Original subtitles

Girl, you're on in five. Ooh, yeah!

Thank you.

All right, let's hear it for Debbie!

Debbie! Oh! All right, ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for tonight's star attraction.

Miss champagne white!

Oh, work it out, miss thing.

Somebody better get the extinguisher girl,

because you were on fire tonight.

Thanks, serge.

Sometimes I think you're my biggest fan.

Well, I think rod's got

the market cornered in that department.

He's got a monopoly on my heart,

and his assistant manager discount at mall-wart

ain't half bad, either.

Speaking of rod, he called for you while you were on stage.

- Really? What he say? - I'll hold.

What? Give me the phone, you jerk!

Hi, rod, what's with the halftime call?

You want to talk to me about something?

- Yeah. - Something really big?

God, serge, I think he's gonna pop the question!

Atta girl! Reel him in, hook, line and sinker.

It's not like that. We're in love.

Shove off shit-head, before I call security!

Sorry, darling. Where were we?

What's with all the attitude champagne?

Sorry al, I thought you wanted them dead beats

with a hollow leg and a wedding ring

banging my door down for some private dancing lessons.

The mouth of a sinner in the body of a Saint.

And you got the whole world chasing its tail.

Yeah, and I'd like to keep it that way.

So, if you don't mind, beat it!

Sorry darling. Where were we?

I guess you won't want your paycheck, huh champagne?

Hey! Fork it over. Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

You are one tough bitch, champagne,

and for some stupid reason, I'm crazy about you.

But for some crazy reason,

I'm stupid enough to be the kind of bitch to keep working here.

I don't know what it is you guys,

but when I see the music and hear the lights,

it's like something inside me begins to swell.

Pounding deeper and deeper,

until finally it explodes and well...

Well what?

Well, you know the drill.

Ten bucks and a two drink minimum,

these animals get a show of a lifetime.

Hell you guys, I love what I do, but sometimes I get the feeling

these blockheads wouldn't know if the Mona Lisa walked up

and slapped them in their face with her dick.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Girl, when you dance, nobody can see straight.

Oh, serge.

If only you weren't so gay,

and if only rod wasn't packing 10 inches.

I mean, who knows what could happen?

Why don't you ask him? He's still on hold.

Oh, sorry, rod. Where were... oh!

He says it's ten and a half.

What the...?

Sounds like trouble.

Oh, my god!

What the hell is that smell?

I don't speak Spanish, but if you ask me,

it smells like somebody cut the cheese.

God damn it! It happened again.

I thought that first wacko was just a fluke,

but now it's a regular deja-poo.

You mean he...

That's right, he shit himself right out in public.

Right in front of everybody.

What could possibly possess a person

to poop their pants in a public place!

I don't know.

But that better not be long distance.

Sorry, rod.

What is it that you wanted to ask me?

Champagne. It's too big.

I know. I already told them ten and a half.

Champagne, baby, you got to meet me after work, okay?

Damn, it sounds like all hell's breaking loose over there.

Nah, the only thing loose around here is some guy's stool.

Baby, you got to be careful.

Tell me about it, third time this week.

All these bm's are a lot of bs.

I still got to do another number

in this velvet-flocked-out house.

Champagne, baby, you don't understand.

Maybe you should try a jazz routine.

Huh?

There's already plenty of scat.

Rod. Rod, look out!

Rod!

Oh, god. Oh, my god. Rod! Help! Somebody help!

Champagne, it's no use baby.

I'll scream louder. Help!

- No, don't. - Okay.

- Champagne? - Uh-huh.

You remember that big thing I wanted to talk to you about?

Uh-huh.

- Will you... - I do!

- Will you listen to me? - Wait, what?

Mall-wart. Evil plot.

Sex. Drugs.

Dixie stampede.

Rod, this is no time for riddles.

- You don't understand. - A limerick, then?

- No - haiku?

I was employee of the month.

That's not a haiku.

Champagne!

I'm sorry, darling, I'm so bad at this.

- Champagne? - Uh-huh.

Trust no one.

Why, rod? Why? Rod?

Oh, god, please don't die. Oh, god, no, no.

Well, well, well.

Look, who's all alone now,

without her prince charming to come say the day.

Now, tell us what the dead guy said to you

and maybe we won't waste your sweet ass after the gang bang.

- Yeah. - You just killed my fiancé!

And if you think I'm just gonna roll over

and spread my meat curtains so you midget dick morons

can play hide the Vienna sausage,

well, you got another thing coming or my name

ain't champagne horowitz Jones dickerson white.

Oh, don't!

So I've been married a couple of times!

It's none of your fucking business.

- Oh, iyaa! - Bam!

Oh, shit!

- Yeah, yeah! - Oh, no!

Help! Help! Help!

No! Help me!

Thank god you stopped!

Don't get too excited, I'm a cop, not a customer.

These two guys, they were all over me.

One came up the front, the other came up the rear.

Save your sick fantasies for daytime television.

No, you don't understand.

Well, actually, I'd be lying if I told you

that a speeding ticket turned afternoon delight

in the back seat of a '57 Chevy had never crossed my mind.

But this ain't the afternoon, and you're driving a Ford!

You have the right to remain silent.

Wait, you think I'm a hooker?

Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.

- I was being attacked! - Move it!

Legal name?

Champagne white.

Full legal name?

What are you driving at?

You reek of divorce.

Yeah, well you reek of cheap whiskey and vaseline,

but I'm not sticking to no report.

Here's a news flash,

lose the attitude or I'm throwing you in solitary.

Now, what's your full legal name?

Champagne horowitz Jones dickerson white.

So, I've been married a couple of times.

It's none of your fucking business.

- Spell it. - You got to be kidding me.

Spell it!

C-h-a-m-p-a-g-n-e h-o-r-o-w-i-t-z

j-o-n-e-s d-i c-k-e-r-s-o-n w-h-i-t-e.

Look, you and me are gonna get along

like noise and a hangover if you don't start cooperating.

I'm doing the best I can.

Thank you.

Oh, god.

Listen, champagne, if that is your real name,

I didn't want to pick you up,

but I got the citizens for morality breathing down my neck.

I can't just turn a blind eye anymore.

Then why don't you try turning your good one?

Look, here's my trouble.

You're totally gorgeous

with a dynamite body and brains to boot.

But what I can't understand is what a hot,

steamy, plain, and vanilla pudding like you

was doing turning tricks on the freeway overpass.

- That's simple, detective... - Hammer.

That's simple, detective hammer.

I wasn't. I'm not a prostitute. I'm a professional dancer.

Cool it.

Knock it off. Sit down!

I was simply coming home from the supermarket,

and these two mysterious men, well, they... they shot rod,

and they came after me.

All right. I'll bite.

Why would two mysterious men jump your boyfriend?

- Fiancé. - Fiancé.

They wanted to...

Champagne...

Trust no-one.

They wanted to get their hands on these.

Your tits?

What's so hard to believe about that?

- No offense... - Then write it down!

Damn it, champagne. I want to believe you!

Move it, buddy. You've crapped your last pair of shorts.

Please man. I need another bump.

You need a baby wipe you sick fuck.

Oh, talk about the shit hitting the fan.

Zip it! Your potty mouth punchlines really stink.

So does your station, but don't look at me,

I didn't pinch the loaf.

- Excuse me? - Laying a cable, man. You know.

Dropping a deuce, busting a grumpy.

If a woman spoke to me like that, I'd sue her.

I don't mean to poo-poo your ideas,

but that would be my number two choice.

You're out of line!

Defecation is no laughing matter.

Booty bumps are reaching epidemic proportions.

I've got kids, 12 years old, hooked on them

and there's no way to stop it.

Booty bumps? Sounds like a dance move, if you ask me.

Yeah, and these poor saps are dancing

with the devil straight to hell.

I don't follow.

White lightning, crystal, crick, crack, smack,

Chrissy, Tina, Britney, Judy, Eliza.

The poor bastards are blowing pharmaceutical grade speed

right up their butts.

And they get off on that?

Oh, it's real fun, at first.

A regular roller-coaster joy ride.

The only trouble is, you can never get off.

Before they know what's hit them,

they've shit themselves, and the world comes crashing in.

It's enough humiliation to drive a freaking catholic nun insane.

Talk about your dirty habits.

Sorry, the rim shot guy's off duty.

Tough crowd.

Nice trick, you got me running my mouth

instead of running you in.

Now, where were we?

Hammer. Yeah, she's here. What? Already? Damn it.

It looks like you're free to go. Some guy just posted your bail.

- Good old serge. - He your pimp?

Listen, Mac. I think your record's

got a scratch, cause you keep singing the same damn tune.

One of your boyfriends then?

Well, detective hammer,

if I didn't know better, I'd say you were flirting with me.

So, call me Jack.

I'd love to, but frankly I've always hated that name.

You don't miss a trick do you, champagne?

Not on your life. Here it is plain and simple.

I don't call a man by his first name

unless I've slept with him, in the biblical sense.

And since I don't particularly get off,

being cuffed in the back of a squad car

and dragged down to the station in the middle of the night,

I think we'd better stick with hammer. Don't you?

Now we're done with this little cat and mouse charade.

I think it's time for my exit, stage right.

If you have any more questions, feel free to call...

My lawyer.

Ciao, detective hammer.

Right on, sister.

Champagne!

Brandy!

Thank god you're all right, I've been worried sick.

The police, jail, prostitution.

What gives?

Look, it's been a long night and it's late.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Okay.

It all started when this guy messed himself in the club.

And the next thing I knew serge showed...

Brandy? Brandy?

Brandy!

What?

As I was saying,

the next thing I knew, serge showed up and bailed me out.

So did rod say anything before he,

you know...

- Before he what? - Well, you know...

What?

Well, you know.

Oh, that.

Nah, just some mumbo jumbo about mall-wart and evil plot.

Poor guy wasn't making any sense at all.

Listen, champagne, I know I'm only your adopted

half step-sister,

but I'm also your roommate and your best friend.

I'm gonna cancel my bookings for the next couple of weeks

and I'll do whatever it takes to help you fight this bum rap.

Look, Brandy,

you're the highest paid calf model in the world.

I'm not gonna let a little thing like my life

get in the way of your modeling career.

I took care of dad when mom died

and I took care of mom when dad died

and I took care of you too.

I think I can handle a bump in the road now and then.

Champagne!

Rod's dead body is hardly a little bump in the road.

Please stop saying his name!

- No! - Oh, god, no, no.

- Champagne? - Yes, Brandy?

Will you brush my hair? Like the old days?

Have a seat rapunzel.

So, what are you gonna do now?

I don't know. Move on. I guess.

Today is a new day. First day of the rest of my life.

At least I still have you and Sergio

and my dancing career.

- Champagne? - Yes, Brandy?

- Thanks for looking out for me. - Sure thing, kiddo.

I know something else we could do for old time's sake.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Pillow fight!

It wasn't our fault, miss Dixie.

Yeah. This broad showed up.

She came out of nowhere with groceries.

We tried to take her down.

You've got to believe us, miss Dixie.

Of course miss Dixie believes you...

You unbelievable fuck-ups!

So typical.

You send some men out to do a man's job,

and the other man's woman stops the men the woman sent

to do the man's job in the first place!

- Yeah. - Yep.

- Yep. I totally agree. - Shut up!

You two hack jobs are supposed to be the muscle.

Johnny the guns and Tony the tiger.

Two of the most notorious hoods this side of Tucson,

and you can't handle a shop clerk

and his crying ass of a girlfriend!

You don't understand.

Yeah, that chick had the moves.

I'll show you the moves.

But it's just some lousy stripper.

Just some lousy stripper?

You damn fools.

If rod spilled the beans, then that pasty faced

pole licker may know everything about our mall-wart brand

discount escort service.

- Tsk. - Ooh.

If that information falls into the wrong hands,

then this gravy train is going down faster

than the goddamn Titanic.

Now, what are we gonna do about that meddling saltine cracker?

Her name is champagne white.

She lives with her adopted half stepsister

at that apartment complex, crystal towers,

down by fisherman's wharf.

Yeah, and her adopted half stepsister is Brandy white.

You know, the super calf model.

And maybe we can rough her up a bit.

That might get champagne to come clean.

Oh, that sounds rather titillating.

Tell miss Dixie what you gonna do to her.

Give her the old one, two.

Uh, ah. Yeah? Then what?

How about a half Nelson?

Or maybe a full Nelson.

Triple Nelson.

Oh, god. Oh, yeah. Oh, god.

What are you two buffoons standing around here for?

Send that bitch's sister to the hospital.

- How bad? - Yeah, how bad?

Make the pretty model bleed.

Nice calves.

Hey!

My colleague here just paid you a compliment.

Well, thanks.

What do you say you and I have a little talk, huh?

Well, I'm busy with my exercises right now.

- Maybe some other time. - Maybe some this time.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Damn, a real firecracker,

just like her adopted half stepsister.

Wait. You're the two goons that killed rod.

- Where's champagne, hot legs? - Oh, I don't know.

I swear.

No. Oh, no.

My calves. Why? Why? Ow, ow.

Oh uh!

Brandy, are you up yet?

Mountain-grown aroma.

Damn, that's good coffee.

Brandy, there you are. You want some coffee, hon?

Champagne.

Brandy. Oh, god. Brandy.

Somebody call an ambulance.

Champagne.

Shh, don't speak. What happened?

Well, these two hoods showed up while I was exercising,

and they started asking questions about you, champagne.

I told them that I didn't know what they were talking about.

They just started shooting.

Oh, god, honey, this is all my fault.

- Hold on. I'm going to get help. - No.

It won't do any good.

Oh, Brandy, you're talking crazy talk.

Wake up and smell the coffee, champagne.

I just did.

No one's gonna hire a model with ground beef for legs.

That's nonsense, and you know it.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me!

Everything's gonna be okay, I promise.

That's easy for you to say.

Your calves aren't full of shrapnel.

The bullets must have hit an artery.

What are we gonna do? I got it.

I'll fashion some sort of makeshift tourniquet.

Champagne, don't.

Living a life without perfect calves isn't a life at all.

I'll be in prison,

a prison haunted by the painful memories

of what could have been.

Help me escape this life of agony.

Champagne, please, just let me die.

- Thank you, champagne. - I love you, Brandy.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, god, no.

Oh, god, no. God, no.

So, she was some kind of relative?

I already told you. She was my adopted half stepsister.

And you say you just opened the door

and she went down on you.

How many times do I have to say it?

As many as it takes?

Yes, yes, yes.

- Had she been acting depressed? - No.

On any medication?

Look, detective, if you've got something to say,

say it to my face.

Listen, milk breath.

It appears that your adopted half stepsister, Brandy,

may have committed suicide.

Are you out of your freaking mind?

Don't get hysterical!

You got some nerve waltzing around here in your cheap suits

and your jc penney shoes, with the audacity

to tell me that my adopted half stepsister shot herself

repeatedly in the calves in order to take her own life.

A regular textbook case.

You're the dumbest cop I ever met.

Yeah? Well, we're all good at something, sister.

Did it ever occur to you it could be the same two thugs

that jumped me last night?

- Still waters run deep. - Get out of my house.

We're not done with the investigation.

You were done the moment you walked through this door.

Try this on for size.

A couple of good-time girls get in over their heads.

The fun and games turned ugly.

And like the saying goes,

"the dish ran away with the spoon."

That was Brandy's favorite nursery rhyme.

Oh, god.

Fresh.

Hammer. Yeah? Where? I'm on it. Look, champagne.

I just received an all-points bulletin.

Five more public poopings. I've got to act fast.

Wait, wait. That's it?

First my fiancé, and now my adopted half stepsister

are both brutally murdered,

and you're not gonna do a damn thing about it?

Listen, I don't mean to burst your bubble, champagne,

but without any hard evidence,

my hands are tied.

Give me a call if you uncover any new clues,

or if someone else you know is brutally murdered.

Ooh, you're looking so good.

Ooh, I see you. I see you right there, Sergio.

Hey, Sergio.

Come in.

Champagne, baby, what's going down?

You sound all talking funny.

Look, serge, I don't want to beat around the bush,

but Brandy's, well, dead.

- You got any coffee? - I hope instant's okay.

Serge, what happened to your pants?

Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about.

That's a lot of crap, and you know it.

- Now, what's in your pants? - Nothing, nothing. I swear. No.

- Oh, god. You shit yourself. - It was an accident

you're doing Booty bumps, aren't you?

- No! - God. Serge.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me!

You're higher than a hippie in a helicopter, and you know it.

They told me it would feel good.

And it did. It felt real good. But now I can't stop.

I need more. I need more.

I need more, champagne. My ass is hungry.

I'd do anything for another bump, champagne.

I'll lick your pussy!

First they took rod, then Brandy,

and now you.

I don't know what psycho, sick, wacko freak job is behind this,

but as god as my witness, if I have to lie,

steal, cheat, or kill, I'll make them pay.

Or my name ain't

champagne horowitz Jones dickerson white.

So I've been married a couple of times.

It's none of your fucking business.

Shaboom boom room.

Hi, al. It's champagne. Look, I need the night off.

No way, champagne. Who's gonna cover your number?

Get Debbie. She needs the work.

Debbie? Are you crazy?

Putting that meat grinder on in your place

is like putting a bull in a China shop.

Somebody's liable to lose an eye.

I'm right here.

Well, get someone, because I ain't coming in.

I'm warning you, champagne.

You better be on that stage at 9:00 pm sharp.

Fine.

It's gonna look more like a murder scene than a strip club.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've got the curse, you old coot. I'm on the rag.

- So don't wear white. - Piss off.

Come on. I'm just yanking your string.

Take a night off, kid. You deserve it.

Thanks, al.

Oh, oh, and by the way,

what's the word on the gangster types?

The pushers. Where do they go to unwind?

Don Ramon's Mexican restaurant, south of market.

Why you asking?

Just curious, that's all.

Well, you know what they say, champagne.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Not if the cat swallows the canary first.

Well, just be careful not to swallow more than you can chew.

Don't worry, alzy. This pussy's got teeth.

Shh, it's me, champagne.

Hola, and welcome to Don Ramon's Mexican style restaurant,

bar, lounge, and donut shop.

I am your server, juanita bonita...

Hi.

- Carmen carmacita... - Okay.

Rodriguez Gonzalez Lopez Gina Rivera.

What you like?

I'll have the beef enchilada plate with extra hot sauce.

Oh, yeah.

A strawberry daiquiri and a bear claw.

Yeah. And I'll have the chicken fajitas, chips, salsa,

one cream filled, a Miller high life.

You know, the champagne of beers.

Move it, chiquita!

Accuse me?

You heard him, tortilla breath. Pronto, andale!

So, what if that champagne don't play ball, huh?

Yeah, we'll put the screws to her real good.

And what if she still don't?

Then we'll take her for a long walk down a short pier.

And still don't?

We'll fashion her a pair of cement shoes.

- Still don't. - Look, Johnny...

Ay, ay, ay, papi.

Don't you think you're being too hard on the?

I mean, whoever she is.

Hey, beat it, rosarita.

Don't you got some hash to sling?

Yeah, but by the sound of it, it's already been slung.

God damn it. Can you believe that?

The lounge singer just up and quit just like that.

Who are you?

- I new here. - Damn it.

If they keep hiring more girls,

I'm never gonna be able to afford that new toaster oven.

Listen, cousin, I better get that new toaster oven,

or you might find yourself

having a nasty little accident with a deep fryer.

Who am I kidding?

We're not gonna get out of here alive

if we don't give those goons a show.

- Hey, hon, can you sing? - No.

You're hired.

Hey, buddy.

You got something I can dance to?

- You got it, mama. - Right on.

You were dynamite out there.

I'm glad you dug it.

Yeah. I could really dig into something else,

if you catch my drift.

I hear it's mating season for the bearded clam.

Ooh, now we're talking.

But first I need a Booty bump real bad.

What do you say you smear my rear, big guy.

Bend over, you back door Betty

and get ready for the ride of your life.

- Hey, slow down. - Too late, cream cheeks.

I'm gonna get you speeding so fast

you'll be burning rubber down the hershey highway.

The only highway is my way, you jive Turkey.

You got answers and I want them.

Okay, okay.

- Who's the boss man? - There ain't one.

Listen, punk. I only got so much self-control.

No, no. It ain't a dude. It's a chick.

I want the name, the name.

Dixie stampede.

What does she have to with rod and Brandy?

Nothing. They just got in the way.

You bastard.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just followed orders.

What's the scam?

She gets you hooked on the drugs

and then you go to work for her.

She runs a stable of the cheapest hookers in the country.

What about the ass candy? Where's the lab set up?

The lab is downtown in an abandoned warehouse

behind the deserted shipping dock

across from the demolition site and near the wrecking yard.

I know the place.

Thanks for the info.

Now, beat it before I wise up and change my mind.

The only thing changing

around here is your life expectancy.

There you are. They want an encore, okay?

What happened to him?

He wanted an encore and a toaster oven.

Tony.

- Yes, miss Dixie. - What the hell is going on?

She takes down Johnny the gun, one of my top men,

and think she's gonna walk.

But every dog has its day, and that bitch needs to be fixed.

You want me to put her to sleep permanently?

There's nothing Dixie wants

more than to SWAT that frigging little fly girl.

But, unfortunately, you can't seem to do that.

She's a chick, Tony, a chick.

I know, boss, but she's tough.

And so am I.

I have spent a lifetime undercutting the competition,

shafting employees, and building a monopoly.

I'm not about to let some "dancer" get in the way

of my fast track to corporate domination.

I want the drugs in the streets and the hos in the sheets.

I want it done fast. I want it done cheap.

What's our motherfucking motto?

Mall-wart, always low prices.

Always.

What about that broad, champagne?

Champagne. Champagne.

That's all I'm hearing these days. And I don't like it.

Next time I hear that hoochie mama's name,

it had better be in the history books.

Comprende, Tony?

Should I make it look like an accident.

I don't care, when you do it, or how you do it.

Just find her and do it. Do you hear me?

I want that champagne on ice...

Shh. It's me champagne.

Hold it. Who are you?

Who am I? Who am I?

Yes, who are you? Your name, out with it.

My name.

My name, my name, my name... My name is Diana.

Diana prince, -ton.

Well, Diana, Diana Princeton, this is a private facility.

What are you doing here?

I'm a world renowned nuclear physicist's

assistant's assistant.

- And? - And Dixie stampede sent me.

Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place.

I don't know.

Welcome to our laboratory, Ms. Princeton.

My name is Dr. Pete reedish. Don't laugh.

Okay.

This is the central nervous system

for the creation of the uppers that go into Booty bumps,

anal absorption, shall we say.

Science, after all, is the name of the game.

I most definitely concur.

Now, tell me, why did Dixie send you to see me?

Because she thought

you might want some nuclear physicism.

Where did you say you were from?

- Hasenpfeffer incorporated. - Hasenpfeffer incorporated.

Yeah, yeah. The schlemiel, schlimazel department.

That's funny. I used to work at hasenpfeffer incorporated.

- Shit. - I never heard your name once.

That's funny. I heard it quite often.

Well, that's funny because I have a pistol in my pocket.

Well, that's funny.

I thought you were just happy to see me.

Mae west you're not, miss whoever you think you are.

The jig is up.

So it really was a pistol in your pocket.

Yes. And maybe I was a little happy to see you.

Not that happy.

You can't blame a girl for trying.

You're not actually

a nuclear physicist's assistant's assistant, are you?

Guilty.

You're that champagne broad

that whacked Johnny the gun at Don Ramon's Mexican style

restaurant, bar, lounge, and donut shop, aren't you?

Yeah.

I am that champagne broad

who whacked Johnny the gun at Don Ramon's Mexican style

style restaurant bar, lounge, and donut shop,

aren't you, am't I?

He had it coming.

And now, so do you. Tony.

What is it now?

Look who I found snooping around.

Hey, what did she find out?

Just a few aspects of the drug trade.

I didn't say a word about mall-wart.

Mall-wart?

Smooth move ex-lax, now you got to kill her.

Don't do anything rash, reedish.

I'm sorry, but you give me no choice.

Good going champagne,

you're 10 seconds away from a gunpowder facial.

I got it. I knew those ventriloquist lessons

would come in handy one of these days.

Shoot her.

Hold it right there. This is the police.

We have you surrounded.

- Who said that? - I said freeze.

- You're under arrest. - Where is that coming from?

Where everything comes, her mouth.

- And she swallows. - Hey!

And she takes it up the butt.

- Did you hear that? - Oh, yeah, up the butt.

Just like you two flamers.

- Where'd she go? - Hell if I know.

But if we don't find her,

Dixie's gonna bust our balls after she crushes our nuts.

Hey, there she is!

There's something funny about that mannequin.

Aside from its dubious size, man hands,

and a slight appearance of an Adam's apple,

it looks pretty basic to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Look you go that way. I'm gonna go over there.

Phew.

Cool your jets, Princess.

Damn it, hammer, you scared the bejesus out of me.

I didn't know you had any Jesus in you.

Talk to father O'Malley.

We got a call about a break-in at the bridal hut.

I didn't think I'd find you here.

Just doing some late night shopping.

We found Johnny's body.

Good, you can add him to the collection.

You can't go around acting like the goddamn judge and the jury.

I don't see no one else coming to my rescue.

- We're working on it. - So am I.

You can't take law into your own hands.

Look, hammer, there's only been three things

I've ever been good at in this lifetime.

Dancing and fighting are two of them.

Oh, yeah. What's the third?

If you have to ask, you're not the man I thought you were.

Stand back champagne. I think she's got the rump rage.

- Hammer, no. - I can't take any more chances.

I'm gonna have to put her down.

Hammer, wait, don't.

I know her. She's my friend.

Debbie. Debbie, baby.

Baby, it's me, baby. Champagne.

Champagne.

Yeah. Champagne, baby.

Nobody, nobody is gonna hurt you. Okay?

Okay.

Champagne.

What is it you really want champagne?

Justice.

For who, your boyfriend

or your adopted half step-sister?

It could be your boyfriend

or you're adopted half step-sister.

I want justice for all of them.

Sounds to me like you want revenge.

You have no idea.

- Try me. - It's too hard.

Come home with me tonight.

I'd love to, Jack.

Get on.

Champagne?

Champagne.

Dear Jack, last night was glorious.

Sorry I couldn't hang around to play house,

but I've got a war to fight.

No matter what happens, remember I never meant to hurt you.

Love, champagne.

Ps, I borrowed 10 bucks for a cab.

Damn it.

That was my last 10 bucks.

Shh. It's me, champagne.

Oh, hello. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

You must be the new employee. What's your name?

Cham... pa, pa, pa, Pam.

Pam greer, fawcett, majors,

oh, Newton-John, Jett, Joan Fonda, dunaway,

Von furstenberg. Oy.

So nice to meet you.

Cham, pa, pa, Pam greer-a, fawcett, majors, oh, Newton,

Jett, John, Joan, Fonda, dunaway Von furstenberg, oy.

Such an interesting name. Sounds eastern European to me.

I have a second cousin from Yemen.

Anyway, welcome to the mall-wart family.

My name is Janis.

Janis. I'm the supervising manager.

So if you have any problems whatsoever,

please don't hesitate to come to me,

and I will do everything I can to keep you

from speaking to the media.

Anyway, why don't I let you get settled in

and I'll go check in with hr on your legal documentation?

Okay? Thanks, bye-bye.

Debbie?

Debbie, you'll never believe what happened.

Welcome to mall-wart, always low prices, always.

- Debbie. - I hate overtime pay.

- Debbie. - I love mall-wart.

- I hate lunch breaks. - Debbie.

I love mall-wart. I love mall-wart.

Hey, you, snow white.

Look... oh, my god, serge.

Do I know you?

Yes, serge, because it's me, champagne.

You look kind of familiar.

Serge.

Oh, champagne, baby. Girl, what's going on?

Don't blow my cover.

You sure ain't covering much.

Simmer down helium heels.

Last time I saw you,

you were crashing harder than a Princess in a tunnel.

Well, I never.

Too soon?

Anyways, girl, what had happened

was after I hit rock bottom,

I was out on the streets trying to get a fix any way I could.

But then I found mall-wart and I was saved.

Oh, yes, thank you black Jesus, thank you.

Anyways, girl, so it turns out that the off gassing

from the plastic products

sort of works as a sort of

methadone for my Booty pump habit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's that good, good.

Yeah, well you see, as long as I work at mall-wart,

I feel and act like a normal person.

And girl, guess what? I'm up for employee of the month.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god, serge, that's it.

Rod was employee of the month.

That's how they enlist you as a half priced hooker.

Girl, your weave is too tight.

Uh-uh, you ain't ruining this for me.

I'm telling Janis who you really are.

Watch it you little fudge packer.

What did you call me?

- A butt pirate. - A what?

A Booty bandit. A rump ranger.

- A turd burglar. - A brownie.

Listen to me you little fruit fly,

at least I'm not some middle-aged fag hag

with fake titties and bogus conspiracy theories

wiggling her fat ass up and down the aisle

of some discount department store

looking for some cut-rate revenge.

Come here.

- I missed you. - I missed you too, baby.

- Thanks. - You look so good.

Sergio. There you are. Just the person I wanted to see.

Listen, it was very close and it was very tight,

but the votes are all in, and you have been chosen

as employee of the month.

Sergio, you must be so happy.

I know I would be if I were you,

a young boy emasculated by his desire to lay with another man,

desperately trying to claw his way out of the closet

and prove himself in a bigoted society.

Finally recognized by his mentor,

a compassionate and beautiful woman

who saw a glimmer of hope in the eyes of a misfit homosexual.

God bless america,

land of the free.

There will be cake and punch served

in the employees lounge, okay?

Buh-bye.

Champagne, I'm scared.

Just play along.

I'll think of something.

What? You mean you want me

to let them sell my ass to the first John that comes along?

Like that's a stretch.

I'm sure there've been plenty of mornings

you've woken up next to a complete stranger

who's hair and teeth weren't his own and his crotch smelled

of baby powder and baloney.

Oh, hell, we all have.

But this time you're doing it for money.

Sure, it's illegal. Sure, it's sleazy.

This whole stinking world's a cesspool waiting to overflow.

But you're gonna grin and bear it

because that's what I'm telling you to do, see.

I'm gonna stop them. I swear I will.

I just need some more time

and you're gonna buy it with your body.

I want to put an all points bulletin out from one

champagne horowitz Jones dickerson white.

So she's been married a couple of times.

It's none of your fucking business.

I don't want her harmed, you got that?

We need to bring her in for her own safety.

I got a feeling she's about to walk right into the middle

of a hornet's nest filled with killer bees.

Of course, horton.

I'll send someone over immediately.

Tony, it's time. Bring in the next whore.

Oh, this one's named Sergio.

Welcome to my stable, Sergio.

Turn around. Nice butt... tight, firm.

Even on sale, we could get a good price

for a cum dumpster like that.

Now let's see a smile.

Mm-mm.

I said, smile.

And that's more like it.

I just got off the phone with horton mills.

It seems the head of citizens for morality

is into anonymous gum jobs.

Knock his teeth out and send him over.

You got it, miss Dixie.

Please, not my teeth. I just had them veneered.

Move it, dick bait.

But what about my cake and punch?

Oh, you'll get your punch.

What?

They sent me up from maintenance

to unclog your chimney.

Fine, but make it quick.

I'm real busy.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

Hello? Well, hello, Mr. President.

You want a young lady right now?

Well, I'm afraid all of our girls are tied up at the moment.

No, no, I'm sure I could scrape up something for you.

What kind of lady did you have in mind?

Classy? Sexy?

Refined?

I've got just the girl. I'll send her right over.

Hey, you.

You talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Look, I'm gonna need you

to perform some extracurricular activities.

Now, what I'm gonna ask you

to do isn't exactly in the employee handbook.

- Is it illegal? - In most states.

Ma'am, are you asking me to prostitute myself?

I'm not asking you, grease monkey, I'm telling.

Now, the only trouble is the client,

and this is a really big client, mind you, wants a woman,

but, unfortunately, we don't have any available

at the moment.

So I'm gonna need for you to dress in drag for the evening.

Can you handle it?

Well, I never cross-dressed before.

The panties cling a bit,

and your toes most definitely will hang over your shoes,

but you'll get used to it.

The real problem is gonna be your size.

With such a large masculine man,

your body must be surging with testosterone.

You know, never really thought I was all that manly.

Oh, you are.

Getting you to pass for a woman is not gonna be easy,

and finding a dress in your size,

is gonna be even harder.

We'll have to see what we can find in the plus size section,

possibly the maternity department.

Hell, I've got a slip cover from my couch at home.

I'm sure you can find something.

- It's a sectional. - Got it.

Seats eight.

You know what? I'll get my own outfit.

Attaboy.

The dick's been dropped.

Hey, what's with the new janitor outfit,

some kind of kinky new fetish?

- You can say that. - Yeah.

Hey, there's something real fishy about you.

Yeah? Well, I got a real fishy face.

Come on, Tony.

You've seen one maintenance man, you've seen them all.

I'll buy the maintenance part, but not the man.

Ouch!

You mean she's not a man?

Okay, you know what? Go to hell.

Oh, my god no, no.

It's that broad that's been given us so much trouble.

Well, miss champagne, we meet at last.

You're not gonna get away with this.

Oh, but I already have.

Take champagne to the penthouse.

And...

Have Dr. Reedish fill her sweet, brown Rose full of smack.

Oh, god, no. Please, no.

And when she's good and strung out,

you can slice that hair pie.

No. No.

Or...

Drill for oil in that skanky prune Danish.

Once you're done with her, you can sell her

into white slavery on the black market.

- I hate you. - I know, darling,

get her out of here.

No. No. No, please. No.

That's what I call a case of blue balls.

You bitch.

Make it black and blue balls.

Please, please don't shove that crap up my poop chute.

This dope should shut you up.

Yeah, well, this chair should shut you up.

No.

- Shaboom boom room. - Al, it's me, champagne.

Where the hell are you?

You're due on stage in 45 minutes.

Look, al, I'm gonna be late.

- Here we go again. - Al, you got to listen to me.

Randy and rod have been killed, Sergio has been brainwashed,

and I've been kidnapped by the secret president of mall-wart,

who's trying to take over the world.

Yeah. I'm sick of your cockamamie stories.

Now, I want your fat ass down here at the club,

and I want to see those Lily-white bazooms up on stage

at 9:00 pm sharp, or you are fired.

You got it? You're never gonna work in this town again.

But, al, you got to... Al? Al? Al? Al?

- It's for you. - Huh?

This is for rod and Brandy. Sayonara, shithead!

It's curtains... For you, miss champagne.

You may be blind to all the lives you ruined,

but now you're just blind.

Take this, you scum bag drug pusher.

You pushed Dixie too far.

Lady champagne in my ass, I'm gonna pound every bubble

out of you till you're flat as cheap table wine.

Go ahead. Make my day.

Hold it.

I'm packing enough explosives to blow

these 'ginas straight to China.

You're insane.

On the contrary,

in order to secure mall-wart as the strongest worldwide

economic consumer-based super first,

we needed to come up with a phrase like that.

Then I needed to conquer the world.

And through cum and caca, we will.

But if you blow us up,

you'll die too, and so will your empire.

Wrong again, missy.

Mall-wart has recently merged with McDonald's,

Coca cola, Philip Morris, and sizzler.

An army of crack whores is being assembled as we speak.

They may not be the most attractive people,

but at these prices, our customers can't resist.

So you see, even if I die, my legacy will prevail,

for in essence, they are all me

in every happy meal,

coke classic or Virginia slim deluxe ultra-light 100.

Work as my number one dealer, and I'll spare your life.

Come to the dark side, champagne.

We can rule the world, the galaxy, together.

Well, no.

You'll have to kill me first.

And, you know, I don't even care.

There isn't a single person in this rotten town

who gives a rat's ass whether I live a die.

Except one.

- Jack. - It's hammer time.

- Jack, what are you doing here? - I love you, champagne.

Why couldn't you have just let me go?

You're not just the catch of the day,

you're the quest of a lifetime.

Hell, champagne, you're my goddamn Moby dick.

Oh, Jack.

Piss off, pig, I'm taking you down too.

You got nothing to worry about.

We got the goods on her entire organization,

from the Booty bumps to the discount escort service.

- How did you know? - We've known all along.

You set me up.

I had to, we needed someone to infiltrate the network.

So you used me.

Maybe I did, but then I fell in love with you.

I never bargained for that.

And I thought I was gonna add hammer to my list of last names.

You still can.

Get out of here.

I don't want to see your face again.

I'm sorry, what?

I said, get out of here,

I don't want to see your face again.

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're saying.

I said, get out of here, I never want to see your face again.

I'm afraid I can't do that, champ.

Jack, look out.

Welcome to oblivion, you righteous motherfuckers.

Champagne? Oh, champagne.

Champagne. Champagne.

Yeah.

So that's it? You're just gonna walk out?

Look, hammer,

you got your bust, and a little trim on the side.

Let's not pretend it was anything more.

All I know is I've got five minutes before the lights go up

on a stage that I know better than the back of my hand,

where an audience sits in the darkness, worshiping me.

No questions asked.

There's a star

on a dressing room door

with my name on it.

It may be tarnished, but it's mine.

Do you hear me? Mine.

And I'm not gonna blow that, like I blew you.

I'll never forget you...

What we had.

Do yourself a favor, try.

The days of wine and roses

are gone... forever.

Yeah, but I'll always have

the memories of shit and champagne.

The shaboom boom room

proudly presents,

the one, the only,

champagne white.

Champagne!