Original subtitles

Well, hey everyone. This is Rick.

And I'm making this video,

well, for many reasons, I guess.

I suppose that the main reason is that

I want there to be some record of the way that I feel.

My ideas, just who I was, really.

I met, got to know some ex-members here and there,

some more than others.

But I wanted to explain some of the things

that I've been doing and thinking

and some of the frustrations that I've had.

Anyway, I don't know, I guess it's just my...

Sort of my...

Last grasp at immortality.

I know that I'm not immortal, and I know this video

is not going to make me so.

But at the same time, I want to...

I want people to know that even though

some of the things that I'm gonna do are rather shocking,

and... maybe not right

in a lot of people's books.

I want to explain some of the reasons behind them.

So anyway, I'm just...

Loading up some of my mags here.

You guys don't mind

if I do that while I talk, right?

Originally I thought that

I was gonna have this opportunity in march.

It's early January now.

And I...

I don't know, I guess I got some bad information,

'cause all of a sudden, a couple days ago

I heard that the opportunity was gonna arise.

And I mean, well, this weekend, which is basically right now.

It's Friday night, so I was caught off guard.

I wasn't really prepared,

so sort of having to cram.

It's funny, I always thought that...

You know...

I used to think a lot about suicide.

It's actually... Well, believe it or not,

it should have started a long time ago.

It should have started when I was fucking born, actually.

But to tell you the truth,

it didn't really start in earnest

until... the infamous teen training happened.

Yes, teen training.

Fucking brainwashing.

Man, I started thinking "wow! How could I do it?"

Well, I was... I wasn't the oldest.

I was the oldest for a long time,

but of course, at teen training there was

a bunch of girls that were older than I was,

but you know...

Let me tell you, this suicide

was nothing that you talked about with people.

Anybody.

They'd beat the devil out of you or whatever.

It's just fucking insane.

But you all know that, that's old news.

Anyway, that's when I started thinking about suicide.

I was thinking, well, you know what kind of poisons there are.

Poisons, you know, are easy, or so I thought.

I've learned since then if you wanna take poisons

and you wanna make sure, or at least reasonably sure

that it's gonna work,

it's good to take some dramamine beforehand.

It settles your stomach so you don't barf it up.

Anyway, I didn't know about that then.

I thought about... Drinking chlorine,

which of course is ridiculous.

I thought of, you know,

maybe I'd heard of, like, lead poisoning,

you know, I thought...

Or maybe I could, like, jab a pencil

under my skin or something.

Stupid shit.

But, you know, I was just a little kid.

Actually, who gave me that idea was one of my nannies.

Indirectly, of course.

'Cause she used to scream

and yell at my sister whenever she...

I don't... well...

Well, my sister had such a fucked-up time

at teen training.

She was fucking six years old, for god's sake.

Fucking animals. I hate those fuckers.

They're going to fucking get it, too,

if I have anything to do with it.

Anyway.

Stay on the course here, Rick.

So I think I got 13 in here.

The cool thing about the Republicans

is their love of guns.

They just love their fucking guns.

With the assault ban expired, which I credit them for,

we have high capacity magazines.

Now this is my super cool sheath that I got online.

It's an... I think they call it an in-belt

or in-waistband holder,

so it doesn't actually stick out.

It actually goes inside your belt

so you can pull your shirt over.

So... that's very cool.

Anyway, when you're carrying a loaded gun...

This gun is a very safe weapon,

but you know how things go.

The idea of just sticking it in my pants

with a clip or whatever didn't really appeal to me,

'cause if you get into a fight or something,

or somebody stabs you or something, or...

I don't know, whatever.

You're rolling on the ground.

You just don't want the fucking thing to go off.

So this cool sheath works very nice, I think.

Anyway, I went with a 40 caliber.

I found a 9mm.

I think everybody does.

The reason is... That I didn't go with a nine

is that there's a great debate always,

because the 9mm people say their guns

are the greatest thing since sliced fucking bread.

The ammo's cheap.

They're effective.

Also, this is especially good

for people who like firing their guns a lot,

like gang bangers maybe.

Or even police officers who have to, you know,

fire their weapons in the line of duty.

A 9mm is not nearly as loud as the bigger calibers,

so you're gonna have less hearing loss,

which is cool.

The only problem with nines,

I was actually reading this one story that

stood out to me.

As we used to say in teen training...

It was about this cop. He was in a gun fight

and he was shot with a 9mm round.

And he didn't feel it.

Well, he didn't realize it until he was fucking shot.

Until the fight was over.

So after that he said,

I got rid of my 9, went with a 45.

I went with a 40, because I think

it's the best of both worlds.

I just shot a 45 for the first time today.

I was able to rent one at the range

where I'm a member at.

That fucker's loud.

And it didn't kick me as much as I thought it was going to.

Anyway, I like this.

It's small, compact.

Anyway, my high capacity magazines

went from a 10 to a 13.

So that's cool.

Um...

I think I'm going a little overboard.

I bought a bunch of mags, and all these fucking bullets.

I went with a police round.

It's a full load of powder.

They don't skimp.

Some people say that the hollow points

don't expand as they should because of ballistic gelatin

they use for their tests isn't really accurate.

But you see, if this fucker goes through somebody,

it's gonna expand.

And that's what I'm counting on.

You see, I'm counting on that because I have my gun.

All of this fucking ammo.

But the truth is... is that this is my weapon of choice.

The ka-bar knife.

Served marines for many, many years.

I changed the angle on mine.

I learned a lot about knife sharpening recently.

They come with a 30 degree angle

because these fuckers are abused and beat on.

They're used for fucking everything.

I only want it for one purpose, and that's taking out the scum.

Taking out the fucking trash.

So I went with a nicer edge.

A finer edge that cuts better.

So I basically changed it to, like, a kitchen knife edge,

which is 17 degrees.

And now... I can fucking shave with this fucker.

So one shot, one kill.

Well... hopefully.

Anyway, we'll see about that.

Then I have some smaller knives and stuff.

Anyway, where was I?

You know, I better check to make sure

that this fucking thing is actually recording.

Okay. We're back.

I decided to move the camera a little closer.

I don't know if it was picking up the best sound quality.

So, anyway.

Duct tape.

You can fix fucking anything with this stuff.

Yeah, I'm gonna fix some people with this.

Anyway, okay.

So sorry, I'm getting all the fuck off track here.

Where the fuck was I?

Suicide. Yes. Suicide.

A horrible thing when adults contemplate suicide.

But it's so much worse when you've got a fucking little kid

who is not born to be a messed up little fucker

but... he's a little life, you know?

She's a little life, and you just fuck 'em over

because you're a sick fucking pervert

and you don't have anything better to do with your life

than to fuck up your little kids.

It's just so far beyond me.

I can't fucking imagine it, but yet it happened.

It happened right before me.

Happened to all of you.

Thousands of us.

Some worse than others.

I had it good in many ways.

I didn't get fucked in the ass, you know, I was a guy.

Lot of you girls... crap.

I can't even compare my stories with yours.

But that's not what this is about,

we're not sitting here comparing

"oh, you got it worse than I did,"

or "you got it more times than I did,"

because it's not about that.

There so many other kinds of abuse that went on

that to some of us just as bad, and to some of us it wasn't.

And some of us didn't have it that bad.

I'm not gonna sit here and say "oh yeah, I had it worse,"

or "I didn't," because it doesn't matter.

It should have never happened at all, to anybody.

That's the point.

So, that's when I started contemplating suicide.

And I've been fucking thinking about it ever since.

Because man, god dammit, after teen training...

Shit.

It's like all hell broke loose.

We were just never the same.

I got into martial arts a while ago.

I'm still basically a beginner, you know.

I mean, you think of somebody who spends a lifetime,

like, 30 years,

like my teacher in Washington had.

Thirty years studying martial arts,

and the guy's still learning every day.

So I studied, what? Like, a year, two years.

I'm just a fucking novice.

But hey, it all helps.

I thought it would help more, I guess, for me,

but... I think I'm just really fucked in the head.

I've tried so many things.

Trying to somehow to fit in.

Somehow to find, you know, a normal life.

Nah, everybody sucks.

Everybody has said, who I talk to about this,

well, you know,

that everybody has their problems

in this fucked up life.

But those people that say that, you know,

they don't have a clue as to what actually went on.

I mean, 'cause they weren't part of a cult.

They were just your average "systemites" I talk to.

Well man, I'm so happy for them.

And I'm so happy that yeah, sure,

they didn't have it perfect at home,

but, you know, it wasn't like this for everybody.

But there's a number of guys that I talk to in Washington...

I sort of consider Washington my home,

because that's basically where I was

the last four years or so,

ever since I left.

So, now, this is interesting,

because I don't think most other family kids

can relate to this because, yeah, they were abused.

But one thing I don't think

that they were that much is secluded.

And that can really fuck you over,

because if you don't have that mirror, if you will,

of kids your own age,

kids that are older than you,

siblings, whatever, friends, then it really fucks you up.

And I was reading an article about how there were...

How some people say...

It was one of those conspiracy things.

I can believe it, it's possible.

And who knows?

Anyway, they were saying how they were doing experiments

on prisoners in the states

for the last 40 years or something

trying to see how they can break 'em.

And translate those findings to the general populace.

Modified, of course.

I don't know if it's true or not.

It was interesting reading, anyway.

But that's what happened to me.

Not having that mirror of other people

to hold up and see how I would relate to them

and, you know, in those formative years...

If you're only fucking around perverts.

These people are fucked in the head,

and try to fuck you over.

Wow. I didn't even have TV, for god's sake.

So anyway, when I started martial arts,

I got into knives.

I thought knives were the coolest thing.

I'd experimented with trying to make, you know... retractors.

I guess every teen boy does.

Of course with me, you know,

if anybody saw it, it was like,

"oh my god, don't you know that you're full of the devil!"

So I would just sort of hide all my shit.

That was around the whole bodybuilding time.

What a joke.

But anyway, I just got fascinated with knives,

and because, you know, actually when this started,

believe it or not, this was back

when they were trying to fix and reindoctrinate

my sister merry after she tried to expose the family.

Okay, we had, as kids...

I didn't get along that well with merry

because she was older.

She was better at playing the game than we were.

We were just little fuckers, trying to have fun.

She set the bar so high,

because they really did grade on a curve.

It made it tough for us.

But, you know, none of us rejoiced

when that happened to her. Nobody.

Nobody deserved that, especially not a kid that age.

So I watched every day, new bruises on her.

Big fucking, fat fucking bruises on her.

I started thinking to myself,

"holy fuck! You know, there's gotta be a way...

There's gotta be a way that one person

can stand up to a group of strong men.

There's gotta be some sort of equalizer."

And I found that equalizer.

In edged weapons.

In training.

But I never had a chance to learn till I left.

And even then I was

into finding an art that was just brutal about self-defense.

Just, you know, give me the worst technique possible

and I wanna learn that.

Not because I'm that way as a human being,

but I've seen how ugly human beings can get

when they wanna fuck people over.

Fuck little kids over.

And when... if I ever see that,

if that ever happens to me, it's that whole mentality.

I'm gonna get down to business

and there's not gonna be anything left.

That's just what I was looking for.

Didn't find it.

I tried karate for a while.

I always knew that I didn't have the time.

I guess that I was just trying to fit in.

I was... it was something in the back of my mind.

It was always like...

I'd always felt like the resources that I had

just weren't adequate, and no matter how much I did,

I'd replenish those resources, it just wasn't happening.

So I was just using my own power without replenishing it.

Eventually it would be gone,

which is kind of what I feel now.

But anyway, getting back to that.

I finally found this teacher.

He was really cool.

He was sort of a new age guy,

but man, that guy could fucking kick ass.

He was... he studied an Indonesian system

which was under their pencak silat umbrella.

Very brutal. No fucking around system.

So... oh, I got two rounds left.

Anyway.

So I always figured that...

And I always still think about suicide

and I try to push it away.

I am successful for a while,

but it always comes back.

It started coming back more frequently,

those thoughts, and...

And I just...

I just wanted it to end.

That was my hope and also my fear.

That when I died, I would just want to flatline

and nothing else,

'cause I would not wanna go through,

in another dimension,

what I'm going through here, and what I had been through.

Now I'm not so sure about that.

I don't really know what to think,

but I think there's enough evidence, if you will,

to at least make one stop and consider

that we may not believe in god, but I don't,

at least certainly not the Christian fucked up god

who has a big fucking dick

that he wants to stick up everyone's ass.

But I don't know, I'm starting to think that life goes on,

and that fucking scares me.

That really does scare me more than anything,

because I don't know, I don't want it to go on.

I just want it to be over.

So anyway... I think about suicide all the time.

Then I figured I'd cut my wrists,

because I like knives so much, you know.

But everybody does this, to simply cut across the wrist.

Sometimes more than once.

One's bullshit.

They say the best thing to do is to get a scalpel.

It's incredibly small, sharp, and just dig,

dig in right there and go as far as you can go.

So yeah, I was thinking that's pretty cool, you know.

Maybe I'll, you know, rent a nice hotel.

Nice hotel, you know, maybe the penthouse.

Run a nice fucking bath in the jacuzzi tub.

Spend the night with a nice hooker.

I thought that'd be cool,

because I've never been with a hooker before.

And...

Anyway, it's like Tom says,

you're gonna pay for sex one way or another.

Might was well pay somebody who knows what they're doing.

So anyway, that's sort of my dream.

Not the end, you know.

Have some beers,

get out my scalpel in a nice hot jacuzzi tub.

Just end it.

Without enough time to breathe out.

Before that, though, I just wanted to leave.

Just wanted to take whatever money I'd saved up

and just go somewhere cool, like Bali.

And now...

Indonesia isn't the greatest place to be.

I don't know about Bali.

Not so good on my Indonesian geography right now.

But... somewhere like that.

Could be anywhere, really.

It'd have to be warm

and it would have to have a nice Sandy beach.

And... lots of pretty girls.

And you know, just go.

Wait till the money runs out.

You know, just have fun, just have a break.

I've been going non-fucking stop,

like I'm sure everybody else has,

since I've left that fucking cult.

And man, that fishing.

Fucking Christ that was hard.

That was fucking hell.

That would be one of my ideas of hell,

is to be on that fishing boat for eternity.

God dammit.

It was fucking nasty.

Part of it was because it was my first job, you know,

it was my first real introduction

to life on the outside, was that.

And yeah, it was a jumpstart. Let me tell you.

But... I got through it and I did really well.

I got an extremely good review and a good bonus

and it was cool.

It was a good experience, but anyway.

Getting back to suicide.

That's what I wanted to do then.

I would kill myself,

and god how I wanted to do that.

I want to follow that scenario.

I just wanna leave.

Spend a few months and then end it.

But you know what I feel about that, that would be

the selfish thing to do,

that would be the quitter's way out.

Because yeah, I'm sort of quitting right now,

but in a way, I'm not, because I'm not doing it

the way that I wanna do it.

I'm trying to do something lasting.

Something that, god forbid,

in the next life, if it does go on,

I can look back at this and if I'm able to and know

that, okay, maybe I didn't technically do the right thing,

but I tried to do something to help.

I didn't just fade away.

I didn't just turn tail

and run and let those fuckers win.

But I did what I could to make a difference.

And I don't know how really far that I'm gonna get.

And it's starting to look like it's not going to be very far,

and that's gonna suck ass.

I might not... well I'll get one person, that's for sure.

My source for the information.

The goal is to bring down those sick fuckers, mama and Peter.

My own mother.

What an evil little cunt. God dammit.

How can you do that to kids?

How can you do that to kids and then sleep at night?

I don't fucking know.

Anyway.

That's my goal.

But I'm one person

and I'm working under situations

that aren't that great right now,

because I only have a small window of opportunity

to get the information that I need out of this person.

I'm not trained in torture methods,

which is... why I'm gonna have to make do.

I got my drill here.

The reason why it's got this fucking padding on here

is because I'm trying to silence it a little bit.

I'm in an apartment.

I got gags.

Fucking socks.

I got a soldering iron.

Heat.

I got a crude implement that can work wonders,

especially if it's used in the right way.

But...

I'm not trained, I don't know how to fucking do this.

I don't wanna fucking do this, god dammit.

Oh man, you gotta see this.

This is not for torture,

but man it could be.

775,000 volts.

You've gotta hear this puppy.

Wow!

That's gotta scare anybody.

But it's not gonna be used for scaring.

It's gonna be used for temporarily incapacitating them.

It's a non-lethal weapon.

Anyway.

So I don't wanna turn and run,

you know, I don't wanna...

My goal is to get those sick fucks, mama and Peter,

and then I can go to the next life,

knowing that... you know, I made a difference.

I'll still go.

No matter what happens I'll still go,

knowing that I tried.

That I did the best that I could at the time.

Given my experiences, given my state of mind,

given that I was alone,

given that I struggled with so many things,

given that, you know, that if I had it clear,

if I had the warrior's mind, like miyamoto musashi

wrote about in a book of five rings,

you know, that I probably would have gotten

a lot further in this endeavor.

You know, just thinking of nothing,

nothing by killing your opponent single-minded,

no background noise in the mind.

No eternal chatter.

Getting down to business and doing it.

But unfortunately it hasn't been that easy for me.

Anyway.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot.

We'll see what happens.

Hopefully if I don't make it,

hopefully somebody else will pick up the torch.

Hopefully in the end, whether they rot in jail

and get buffoed in the ass by some inmate,

or whether somebody blows their fucking head off,

or slits their fucking throat,

hopefully somebody will do something effectively

that will end their fucking miserable lives.

But anyway.

My main incentive in this is knowing

that it will make me feel a whole fuck of a lot better.

But maybe it'll bring, well, if I'm successful,

which is starting to look kind of slim,

slim chance right now, but it's worth a shot.

Because if I am successful, I mean, I can just see

those fucking thousands of family kids,

you know, who have been abused...

Okay, well maybe there's not 1,000.

But you know, maybe some of the kids,

especially the new generation.

They don't know that they're abused.

They don't think they...

I guess they certainly haven't been sexually abused,

but you know what? That's not good enough.

Because what about the thousands of us

who have been fucked over? Literally.

What about us? Where's our apology?

They're not even sorry.

They're not even fucking sorry.

Can you imagine all of a sudden, to hear one day,

"guess what? Mama and Peter are fucking dead."

Yeah, somebody went into their house

or their fucking motor home or whatever

and poured gasoline on them and they lit a match

and had a fucking barbeque.

Wow! Can you imagine?

I can imagine putting myself in this place.

How it would make me feel if I heard that somebody did that.

And I would be like, "wow! There is justice in this world."

And an incredible weight would be lifted

off my shoulders,

and I would be able to go on with my life.

Yeah I'd have fucking problems,

but I got stuck on this one thing.

I got stuck because there's this need that I have.

This need. It's not a want, it's a fucking need.

And I wish it wasn't, but it is.

It's a need for revenge.

It's a need for justice, because I...

I can't go on like this.

So I can imagine how I would feel,

how liberating it would be.

And I hope that I'm successful.

Like, I can't see how

I wouldn't have this effect on people.

You know, any...

Anything you talk about the family

would just end up like,

"oh but Jesus Christ, they got what they deserved."

That's worth dying for.

Even the thought, even the attempt

at bringing that about for people.

That gift for them is worth dying for.

You bet it is.

So that's what I'm gonna try to do.

I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try my very best.

Now, there is one problem, though,

and that is as I go on my merry way,

I'm not going to... hurt

or try to hurt any law enforcement.

Now, that's gonna be really tough to do this,

without doing that.

But... that's where I draw the line.

I'm not gonna hurt them.

I'm not going to try to hurt them.

I respect law enforcement.

The justice system has let us down,

however, those cops are out there,

putting their lives on the line for us,

and I must say...

Yeah, there's some fucked-up cops out there.

But I'm thankful for them and I respect them.

I got to know an ins agent.

He's a really cool guy at my range.

That's where I got my concealed weapons permit.

And I'm so glad that I did that,

'cause even though I really don't carry my gun around,

because my gun's really only for one purpose.

Even though I have all these bullets,

I guess I figured it's better to have them and not need them.

But I really only need one, and that's for myself.

So I don't carry my gun around.

I'm so glad I went to that concealed weapons permit class,

because I learned so much.

I learned about the law.

One cool thing that I learned,

and this is something that our instructor

brought up out of the blue,

that here in our great state of Arizona,

Jesus land as some people call it,

if you catch an adult sexually abusing a minor,

if you catch them in the act,

you can walk up to them and execute them.

And it would be a justifiable homicide.

A legal shooting.

You better damn well be able to prove

it was actually happening, or you're gonna be fucked.

But the law still stands, it's legal.

And that brings a smile to my face,

every time I fucking think about that.

But you know what?

My instructor said, "that's too good for them."

It's too good for them

just to walk up and put a bullet in their head.

This is a normal dude, you know,

and I looked around, everybody in the class,

vigorously shaking, nodding their heads

and saying, "yeah, that's fucking right."

You know, these are normal people.

They're talking about walking up

and blowing somebody's head off for doing it once.

Well, what does that tell you?

Maybe I'm not so weird after all, you know.

Now of course, you've gotta catch 'em in the act.

Well, you know, it's a little too late for that, for us.

But the truth is, that's the way people think.

That's the way people think

about these sick fucked-up perverts.

Just get 'em out of the way.

So I...

Boondock saints.

If you at all have a chance to see that movie,

it's excellent.

I've watched that movie so many times.

It's just... yeah.

You just get sick and fucking tired.

Now, they weren't really executing child abusers,

they were executing drug dealers and murderers.

Mafia, all that kind of shit.

But anyway...

People don't really seem to care that much

when those kind of people start dropping like flies.

Makes the world a safer place.

But that's not why I'm doing it to make it safer,

I'm doing it for justice.

I'm doing it for myself.

I'm doing it for a lot of other people

who would like to see those fuckers go down.

So anyway, here I am.

I've been lucky, I guess in some ways.

You know, I was expecting to come here

and have to pull a kind of 47 Ronin kind of thing,

where to avenge the death of their lord,

they had to become, you know, vagrants and bums, basically,

for two years. Whatever.

So I guess I'm lucky I didn't have to wait that long.

Just shows how stupid these fucking cultists are.

You know, just even after all I wrote...

Even in the last thing I wrote on the "moving on" website

where I was just trying to get some help with this,

but you know what? I was kind of glad I didn't get

any help with this, even though I wanted it.

Because to me, I mean,

I was as clear in that as I could be

without actually spelling it out.

And I'm glad, you know.

I'm glad that others of us

haven't gotten to the point that I've gotten to,

where we really don't have anything to lose.

You know, I'm happy because it...

What it tells me is that, yeah,

people still have hope, they're still going on.

This one guy, he said that he knew what I meant

right off the bat, right after reading that.

And he said that we're dropping like flies.

Well, I don't know if we're dropping out that fast,

but yeah, a lot of people are going out.

I don't know, I think it's kind of easy to just one night,

you know, one day just... Decide to end it.

Just do it.

But I think it's pretty fucking hard to do

what I've been trying to do and, like, plan to where I know,

not really knowing when,

but soon I'm gonna have to go.

But I don't know, it's... It's harder not...

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But yeah, I really don't have anything to lose, I think.

Yeah, I don't really wanna...

Go through my life the way it is now.

I've tried for four years.

Sure, it's not long.

Feels like a fucking lifetime.

Feels like a god damn lifetime to me,

and every day, if it had just gotten better,

just a little better even emotionally,

mentally for me, and...

It would have been okay. It would have given me hope.

But it's gotten worse.

Every fucking day has been a little worse

than the day before.

Um...

It kind of reminds me of that movie office space,

where he's talking to the hypnotherapist.

And he says that every day is a little worse.

And the guy says "well, that's fucked up."

And he catches himself and apologizes.

But yeah, it's fucked up, it's really fucked up.

But, hey, it's a life,

and we're gonna play the hand that we're dealt.

So anyway, like James penn would say,

time to get busy living or get busy dying.

Yeah, James penn got busy living.

Guess I'm trying to get busy dying.

But, you know, people die.

They do, every day.

Every day.

Its gonna happen to everybody, you know.

Sometime I wish that, you know,

I'd get the braveheart speech from somebody.

But it's true, you know, I feel like we're in a war here.

It's not necessarily like a literal war,

like I'm making...

But it's a war nonetheless.

I feel like every one of us who is left

in some way speaks out,

in some way tries to help somebody,

in some way tries to help ourselves,

is a soldier in this war.

It's a war on terror,

because these fuckers are the real terrorists.

You know, bush and kerry

get up on their campaign platforms,

and they talk about how they're gonna hunt down

al-qaeda terrorists and kill 'em.

And kill 'em.

That's what they said.

Hunt them down and kill 'em.

Well, you know, my question is,

you know... what about these fucking perverts, you know?

Aren't they the real terrorists?

Terrorizing little kids, driving them to suicide.

Isn't that like murdering them?

Basically?

You fuck with their minds so much that they can't go on.

They can't really go on.

Isn't that like killing them?

Fucking bastards.

Anyway.

It's a war on terror.

It's like the military.

You know, there's so many different branches.

There's, like, special ops,

that I'm starting to think I'm sort of in this war.

There's the medics.

I know some people who are medics.

The kind of people who are so cool to be around,

and... make you feel good about yourself.

Encourage you.

They have their own...

God knows that they have a lot of their own struggles,

but they try to put those aside and help other people.

Those are like the medics.

There's people in psyops.

Psychological warfare, I think.

There's the generals,

people who are trying to coordinate this effort

even now, as we speak.

You know, they're trying to do what they can to put together

new battles, new court cases,

articles trying to get people aware of what happened.

It's happening still in many ways.

So yeah, I think we're all part of...

We all have our part to play.

And... yeah.

Um...

I got in contact with my sister.

Well I consider her my sister, because to me she is.

She's not flesh and blood, but I'm talking about divida.

Everybody calls her davida.

But her name's actually pronounced divida.

I was actually with her in Ukraine

when she left, and she really felt forced to leave.

She could have gone back to the states, I guess.

She had no money. The leadership wouldn't let her.

You know, they...

They took that back later and said that it wasn't true.

But I know.

I was there.

They basically said she couldn't go to any other home in Europe.

The home that we were in was basically falling apart.

She was fucking scared.

But I admired her so much for her bravery,

because she just left, in the fucking Ukraine.

She would basically have one meal a day,

sometimes not even that.

Her friends would feed her.

She got into the...

Being a mafia boss' girlfriend.

She almost got herself killed.

Had a fucking hard life.

But she's still going. She's...

Yeah, she's dancing in New York.

Anyway.

She calls me and sometimes we talk.

And she tells me the stuff that she's going through,

and... it breaks my heart, you know,

'cause I wanna help her,

but there's just nothing that I can do,

because it's all up here,

you know, the damage has been done.

I'm not saying that she's crazy,

but she has nightmares at night.

I guess a lot of us do.

I have nightmares,

but not really about the same things,

but about the cult.

She has nightmares about being dragged out of bed in

the middle of the night to go have sex with berg.

God damn, I can only imagine what my sister goes through.

I was telling somebody today about how different

my sister... this is Christina, became after the pregnancy,

and just what that did to her.

It was just... So sad to watch that.

To see her retreat into herself.

And now sue calls me today

and tells me how great my sister is doing.

That's been actually one of the hardest things

for me to have to, you know, pretend that I'm making peace

with these fucking perverts, you know?

You just wanna grab 'em and just rip out their throat.

And you know, I gotta be nice.

It started with Gabe and Amy.

Man, they have so much blood on their hands

it's not even fucking funny.

I hope somebody takes 'em out.

I don't think it's gonna be me.

I definitely don't think I'm gonna get that far.

But... somebody's gotta take 'em out.

Those fuckers.

Anyway, yeah, I talked to them on the phone,

you know, tell 'em about myself, try to be nice.

You know, joy, trust, Angela, sue.

Whatever she's going by these days.

She calls me and, you know, I have to do

the whole thing again.

So, anyway.

Uh...

She's telling me that my sister's doing good.

Yeah right.

I was talking with somebody else,

we were talking about, 'cause...

We sort of left around the same time, I guess.

She was at my mom's place for longer than I was, though.

Talking about my sister,

and what a sad little thing she was back then.

I can only imagine how bad it is now.

Anyway, my mom's going to pay for that.

She's going to pay dearly, one way or another.

If I don't get to her...

If I don't get to her, and next life goes on,

I'm going to keep hunting her in the next life,

and let me tell you,

I wanna keep going until somebody gets her.

I get her. Justice will be done.

Believe me, it's only a matter of time.

Somehow, someway, it's gonna happen.

I'm gonna try to do my part.

We'll see what happens.

We'll go from there.

That's what my boss always says,

"we'll see what happens, Rick, and then we'll go from there."

He's such a cool guy.

He's, like, the best boss in the world, I think.

That's actually one of my main regrets

is having to do this.

Having to leave him.

Dessert him, 'cause I know that he needs me.

He has other guys working with him, thankfully,

or it would make it so much harder for me to do this.

But still...

I wrote him a long note.

Tried to explain what I could.

What could he say, you know? What could he say?

Anyway.

Yup. What can you do?

Okay, well, I'm gonna go take a break now.

Maybe think of something else useful to say.

Well, I got my beer.

That helps a bit, I guess.

I'm bringing a six pack along for the road

in my little cooler.

And hopefully, before I actually have to go,

I'll be able to... make it a little more pleasant.

I don't know, though...

One of these fuckers to the head.

I don't think there's gonna be much time to feel anything.

Might hurt at first for a second,

but no more than cutting your wrist.

So let's hope I don't fuck up and do something stupid

and blow my nose off instead of my fucking head.

Well, anyway.

Um...

Maybe fate will smile on me.

The god of war.

The god of revenge.

Maybe they will wish me happy hunting.

We shall see.

But yeah, I mean...

I guess I said all I can fucking say.

What can I say?

You know.

What could I fucking say?

Um...

Oh... to have a happy and peaceful life.

I tried. I did.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I gave it what I could, you know? I did.

Yeah, should I beat myself up

because I'm not as strong as other people?

You know, should I berate myself

because I didn't have, you know, mental stamina?

It's funny, you know, 'cause parts of the Bible

are pretty right on, you know?

Stuff here and there.

I mean there's gotta be something, right?

Right?

Sort of like a monkey typing

on a typewriter for all eternity.

All eternity.

He's bound to write something interesting.

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, I forgot what I was gonna say, actually.

Oh, what's that...

What's that verse about?

I try to forget all those fucking verses,

but they still keep coming up every now and then.

Luckily they're not as clear as they used to be

and that brings some comfort to me.

But I'm thinking about the ones that, you know,

about fainting in your mind.

What's that verse about?

Oh, a... a... a... Wounded spirit that can bear.

You know, that kind of thing.

I sort of fainted in my mind, you know, and...

I can keep going in the physical.

But, you know...

Do good work, have a good job, you know.

Fairly nice apartment.

But it's all on the surface.

I fainted in my mind, and I can't get out of it.

You know, I can't find

the smelling salts to wake me up, so, you know...

What am I supposed to do?

You know...

So, anyhow, I guess we'll see what happens.

I hope that, you know, that you all keep going.

Whoever watches this video.

I hope that it helps to understand

a bit where I'm coming from.

But I sort of seem laid back right now.

But Jesus Christ, anger does not begin,

does not begin to describe how I feel

about those people and what they've done,

you know I mean, rage. I get livid.

You know... it's just a little closer to the way I feel.

And...

That's gonna feel good to do some damage,

even if it's not that much.

As far as I can go.

That's what I'm gonna do.

It's going to feel so fucking good.

Liberating.

So...

Anyway, what can I say?

I guess I said it all.

So...

Yeah...

I guess I'm gonna go now.

I wanted to see that movie white noise,

just 'cause I'm sort of interested in the afterlife.

Yeah, it's just a fucking movie.

But... it looked cool.

So... I like movies.

I think that it's 'cause

I wasn't allowed to watch that many.

Yeah, sure, I watched some with berg and all,

but... shit.

It's kind of cool to watch movies now.

So I guess I'm gonna go watch that one.

Drink some beers.

Be happy.

What more could you want?

Yeah. Well.

I could think of a few things.

I thought how cool it would be

to go hunting for some child traffickers

that are kidnapping little fucking kids

down in Indonesia

and some of those hard-hit countries.

Can you imagine coming down there

to steal little children and use them as sex slaves?

To use 'em?

To use their organs? Cut 'em up?

I mean, can you fucking imagine doing that?

I mean in a way, that's what these fuckers have done to us.

I mean they didn't actually grab a knife and cut us up, but...

They fucked with our brains.

Used us as slaves.

And that's what we were,

every last fucking one of us.

Didn't matter how we were treated,

we were just fucking slaves, just there.

For those sick fuckers' pleasures.

That's all it was.

That's all it was at berg's and mama's house.

All right.

Oh well.

Keep fighting.

Keep the faith.

And all that other stuff.

And someday, in some way,

some of us are gonna be around to see those fuckers burn.

Literally or figuratively.

They're going down.

And with that happy thought, I shall leave you.

Shit.

- Hello? - Hey.

Elixcia, it's me.

Ricky?

Yeah.

It's been a while.

I know.

What...

What have you been up to?

Oh... you know... just working.

My grandparents helped me get a job.

Got an apartment.

Okay...

How have you been?

Um...

I'm fine.

Good.

What's going on?

Um... I need you to write something down for me.

Oh... okay. Hold on.

Okay.

Um... it's 519,

los altos, apartment 343,

in Tucson, Arizona.

I need you to call the police

and give them that address.

Ricky?

I need you to tell them to go to that address

and tell them that they'll find a dead body.

Ricky!

What happened? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm in my car my cellphone battery is about to die.

I'm gonna have to stop and grab a charger or something.

Just call the cops.

And I'll call you back in a little while.

Wait!

I'll call you back.

I love you.

Ricky!

Yeah. Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good as I can be, you know, I...

Stopped and got a phone charger for the car.

So I should be good for the night or... whenever I stop.

Where are you?

Um, on the highway, heading west.

Or to California.

What happened?

Did you call the police and tell them where to go?

Yeah. But... I don't know what they're gonna do.

They didn't seem really helpful

since I told them it was in Tucson.

You called the Washington police?

It... yeah.

Um... that's okay. They'll figure it out.

Ricky... What exactly happened?

I haven't heard from you in so long. Please.

Tell me what happened!

I... after I left Washington,

after I left you,

I... I started to look for my mom.

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah.

I... I just had to, you know I...

I couldn't run from it any longer.

Someone had to do something.

Someone had to put an end to it all.

The lies, the abuse, mom.

The whole damn thing!

A little fucking justice!

I had to find her.

Cut off the head of the snake.

Berg always wanted me to be the Messiah.

Guess I found by mission,

it just wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

I mean, I don't know what that makes me.

I mean, I never have...

I came to Arizona because my grandma and grandpa are here.

I knew that it was the only place that my mom

had ties to in the states.

I knew it was the only place

that she would regularly return to.

Did you find her?

I waited.

I followed up on whatever leads I could get.

She's so damn secretive.

You know, I don't understand how she can just disappear

and become invisible.

I mean, how can that kind of monster

just walk the earth so anonymously?

I know.

So I waited.

I waited, and finally... I heard she was gonna come back.

They were gonna have a gathering for the elders.

A fucking party!

I thought it would be perfect.

I could get mom and every other fucker

responsible for all this shit in one fell swoop.

At one point I realized that

maybe just taking care of mom wouldn't be enough.

I mean, the family survived after berg died.

Fuck, it'll survive after my mom.

I was wrong.

I can't just cut off the head of the snake.

The whole fucking thing needs to be burned down.

That's the only way that this will all stop!

I'm sorry.

No, don't.

Don't apologize.

You have nothing to apologize for.

We shouldn't have to apologize for what's been done to us.

So, um...

I... while I was trying to find my mom, I...

Got in contact with one of my old nannies.

- Susan cotton. - Oh god.

Yeah, or... whatever name she's going by now.

That's one reason why it's so hard to track these people down.

Anyway, as fucked up as it is, it was perfect.

My mom only communicated with a couple handlers.

And son of a bitch, Susan was one of 'em.

Hell, I even heard that she was my mom's number one.

Her eyes and ears.

For what she did to me, I guess it only makes sense.

She was my ticket.

Ricky?

Talk to me.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that killing someone is easy.

It's not.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

All of this bullshit

that's been building up inside of me since I was a kid,

there was just no more room for it.

It all just came out at once.

What happened?

No, I... I shouldn't, it's...

It's stupid to put this on you.

I need to know.

Um... I met with sue tonight for dinner.

I couldn't eat anything sitting across from her,

but she had no problem. Made me wanna puke.

Ricky.

So, we went back to my apartment,

'cause I wanted to get whatever information I could out of her.

To get mom.

And she started talking about, um...

She started talking about my sister, merry.

Oh no.

You know how bad the family fucked up her life.

Yeah.

She started saying all this shit about how messed up she is

and how it's her fault

that she can't move on and all this other bullshit.

I... I... I... I just lost it!

I mean, for all that they've done.

They just don't...

They don't get it.

Right! They don't fucking get it.

I mean, the entire time that Susan

was lying on the floor bleeding she was looking up at me

like she didn't understand!

How doesn't she know?

They did what they wanted, they ruined people's lives,

and they refuse to take any fucking responsibility!

I just want them to admit what they did.

That they were wrong.

I wanted sue to understand, but she didn't.

She died confused, like I was the bad guy.

You're not.

I thought killing Susan would...

I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

It's so hard, she... she didn't understand.

I, um...

I wanted to get to my mom tonight,

but I'm just so exhausted.

I... I... I just wanna stop thinking.

Just come home.

I can't.

Please.

I can't.

I'm so tired. I've been up for two days, I...

I need to stop.

Um... yeah.

I can't do this anymore.

I... I... I'm so exhausted.

There's a rest stop. I'm gonna pull off.

Wait, don't go!

I love you.

I have to go.

Ricky!

Oh my god, Ricky!

Are you okay?

Um, yeah... I'm fine.

Please, Ricky.

I need to do this.

After everything I've done,

everything that's been done to me,

it's... it's... it's the last thing to do.

I thought I would just...

Pull off the road to this rest stop here, but um...

This place is too bright.

There's too much light, I... I don't feel comfortable.

I don't want to die here.

I love you... so much.

I know how hard everything has been on you.

I wish you didn't leave.

I know, it's just...

There were so many other people

that got out who reached out to me.

So many, even more on the message boards.

I just felt this... this burden.

They still saw me as a leader.

All that bullshit that my dad spewed, I...

I guess some of it stuck.

I just couldn't do nothing anymore.

We need justice and no one else is gonna give it to us.

You feel guilty because you survived all that.

No! I feel it, too.

We got through so much together

and I need you to get through this.

You'll be okay.

You've always been more adaptive than me.

The longer I stayed, the longer I'd be dragging you down.

You have so much ahead of you.

I'm sorry I...

I'm sorry I failed you as a husband.

That's not true.

You shined so bright, but I brought too much pain.

This was all just a matter of time.

You were always the stronger one between us.

When we finally left the family, everything was such a struggle,

but you were so strong.

Remember that first year out?

We had no idea how the real world worked.

We couldn't get interviews,

because we didn't know what a resume was.

And the apartment.

We were so proud until we moved in

and we couldn't understand why there wasn't any furniture.

How could we know it didn't come with any?

Not to mention it was the shadiest part of town.

We're lucky we made it out alive.

Keep telling me nice stories.

I remember...

I remember the first time I saw you

when you moved into the house in Budapest.

There was a bunch of us living there,

and everyone was falling all over you.

You were a celebrity to us.

But I saw that look on your face.

You didn't want to be davidito, the second coming.

You just wanted to be Ricky.

It's probably a good thing I was so shy.

Probably would have been like everyone else.

But I saw you.

It took me so long just to talk to you for the first time.

Took so much nerve just to say that lunch was ready.

Then that night you asked me to come to your room,

and my chest felt like it was in a vice

and I couldn't breathe.

But then you were so nice.

I can't believe how shy you were

for all the attention that you always got.

And we stayed up all night, and...

You taught me some card games.

And we just talked, and suddenly it was morning.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

Me, too.

And you topped it off by sneaking a Rose

into my pillow the next day.

I miss you so much.

I love you.

All I ever wanted in this world was to be loved.

Ricky.

Come die with me.

Ricky!

I'm so scared to die,

but it's the only thing that makes sense.

I can't stand another day on this earth.

What do you think happens after you die?

I don't...

I believe in angels.

After you die

those angels are going to bring you

a feeling of love

that you've never experienced before.

I like that.

I need to get going.

I don't wanna die here. I...

I wish you could be here with me when it happens.

- I... - I know.

I'm so sorry.

Baby, I love you so much. I...

I just want you to be happy.

I love you.