Original subtitles

"If my young friends intend to use crumbs, fragments and shavings,

I hope they have the good sense and ability to present them coherently

in line with the point of view which directed their making.

These are things we were going to insert during Ginger and Fred

to break the narration and carry a polemic message

against the indecent custom of interrupting films with advertisements.

I shot these micro-stories while making a film about television,

and they were intended to carry a scolding message.

I made too many of them. I couldn't edit them all.

I then completely forgot about them.

Now you've rediscovered them.

Pretend I'm an Etruscan tomb — take and snatch at leisure.

Do as you please. I entrust them to you."

Signed on a Canova table Rome, July 11, 1992

FELLINI'S TV

THE DANTE WATCH

Halfway through the journey of our life, I found myself in a dark wood,

where the straight path was lost.

But with the ne'er abandoned compass watch,

the lost path is quickly found...

OF COURSE YOU'RE LIMPING, GRACE GRAZIELLA,

YOU'RE NOT WEARING GIOIELLA SLIPPERS

Take care, you three.

Show me your slippers, Graziella.

The shoe of springtime.

FACIAL AEROBICS

Open your mouth slowly.

As if you had to swallow a watermelon! More!

Close.

Twist your mouth rightward.

All the way! Left! Right!

Left! Right!

Left! Right! Left!

Raise your eyebrows as far as they go.

Up! Down! Up! Down!

Up! Down!

Look this way and make that forward movement with your mouths.

Quicker! Chew quicker!

Quicker!

TIDBITS

Over there, together! Go!

Scolamangi! The pasta that makes you lose weight!

Truly fabulous!

Of course he thinks everything's great. He's using Maiovo!

Olivoil!

Just give it a thought!

Start making a disgusted face.

Look at your plate. Taste it again.

"Let's taste this." Go on. Swallow.

Look at your wife. "This is disgusting!"

This is disgusting!

Turn around!

Hey, why not try That's More Like It!

Smile.

Give Dad some.

Give it a stir.

Taste it. Bliss.

Taste it, Raffaella.

Move over to her.

That's More Like It! With spoon included.

Turn around. Look at each other. Eat.

Look at each other. "That's More Like It!"

That's More Like It!

Turn around.

That's More Like It! With spoon included.

My mouth is watering for Ghiottolino!

- The cake for everyone! You too! - Go, Bianca.

Look this way, Aldone. Dance!

SINGERS

UEEÈ LIQUOR

Go, Fagiolo!

Up! Ueeè!

- How about me? - Here you go!

Thank you.

To die for!

THE EXECUTED SINGER

Other side. Look at me.

Smile. Sword.

Aim!

Fire!

Fall over! Fall over!

Go over there.

Keep singing.

Lower the gun.

Shoot.

Raise the gun. Go.

Keep singing.

HELP LINE

Go, Tullio!

The other position, Isidori! Down, like that!

Keep talking, Isidori!

Smile more, Friar!

Get up and smile.

Of course you can. Don't worry. Actually, you should laugh.

Try laughing. I'll do it too. Laugh with me, okay?

Like that. See?

Using formal address is more than a sign of respect.

It also shows detachment.

Smile at people.

Look how joyful and happy they all are!

Smile! Smile, and everyone will smile back with joy.

THE ACTRESS

Do you like this role?

Yes, I adore this role.

I love it. I really feel it's mine.

So you feel a particular affinity?

All in all, I think the reason is

a trip I took in Etruria with my mother.

- When you were little? - Yes, I was really tiny!

And I started —

- Could you turn around? - No, I prefer it like this. Thank you.

- You were saying? - Tooth!

- Yes, it was really interesting. - Tooth!

NEWS REPORTS

Roberto, lean back.

Change hands. Show the tripe in there!

Raise the tripe.

Talk, Roberto.

Pass your hand through your hair.

- How long have you been married? - Twenty years.

Sergio.

Doctor, good morning. We're from the news.

Come forward.

Doctor, do you often resort to using hypnotists?

Yes, these are very successful methods.

Keep talking, Roberto. Keep going.

Look in there. Now look at the camera.

...the childhood memories.

Depending on the level of hypnosis,

it can take up to three or four hours.

Smile at the camera. Face the other camera. Smile.

Have you been a doctor in this hospital for a long time?

About a year and a half.

Listen, Mr. Roberto.

Come here for a moment.

Come here. Listen.

We're from the news.

Just a moment. Be kind. All of Italy will see you, you know?

Listen! Come here!

- What can you see? - Everything.

I wanted to get up.

What restaurant were you in?

- The canteen. What's it called? - The canteen.

- I broke a bone. I hurt myself. - Where did you get injured?

- Which part of the body? - My right leg.

Do a panning shot on the soup. Go into the plate!

- Do they feed you a lot? - Show the plate, Fumelli!

- Open your mouth! - Show your plate.

Towards the camera!

Frame his mouth!

...young people, these sometimes unknown universes.

"This evening, we're here"...

This evening, we're here with the mom of a kid

who wanted, at all costs, to look like the singer

who's the symbol of the gay revolution.

In these cases, the task of a reporter is a truly thankless one,

keeping in mind the tragic outcome of this story.

Turn around. "Ma'am, tell us"...

- Ma'am, tell us about your son. - He kept him there, in his room...

- Lower your head. - ...like a god or a saint.

Ma'am, when the boy asked for money for an operation,

did he tell you what it was?

A friend of his told me that Carlo wanted to emasculate himself

to further resemble this singer.

Lower your head and sob, moving your shoulders.

Face the camera.

"Dear viewers, you indeed must know"...

Dear viewers, you indeed must know that, in the absurd zeal of this operation,

the boy had his testicles removed

to destroy the virility that tormented him so deeply

and destroyed his own life.

Look at the camera with a slight smile.

AMATEUR HOUR

Carla Fracci, prima ballerina of La Scala!

Maria Callas!

Sophia Loren!

What a face I have, Mom! Ladies!

Katharine Hepburn!

She's pissed off!

And now the highlight of the evening!

A climax no other television station could have offered you!

We have the most extraordinary pianist of all times,

so let's welcome him with a big round of applause!

As you can see, the professor has no arms.

He has phocomelia.

Since birth, right?

And yet the professor will delight us this evening

by playing the piano fabulously.

"How?" You're wondering.

See for yourselves.

Wait, I'll straighten your seat.

Lift your feet! Lift them!

Okay. Down.

Stop.

Lift your feet.

Smile and look over here.

GAMES

Well done! That's it! Jump forward!

Go!

And now, for 70 million.

How many CucioQ thimbles

does it take to fill the bottle...

you see over there with excellent Jazz water?

Oh, my God. How am I going to do this?

Go, Massimo.

Come on, it's not that difficult.

You have 40 seconds to guess

how many thimbles it takes to fill this bottle.

- Does it take 100? - 200...

200? 300? We don't know!

I can however tell you something that may help you.

Look at the camera and blink!

That bottle contains enough water

to fill no less than seven glasses!

Oh, God, look in the camera again.

Miss Teresa Ramboldi at number one!

Miss Luigia Ripetta at number two!

Miss Angelina Cannavacciuolo at number 3!

Mrs. Nicoletta De Rosa at number four!

They will have 30 seconds to guess the brand of the sauce

that will rain down, as if by magic, into these four basins.

Go!

Pasta supplied by Cavalier Fulvio Lombardoni!

Hands on the taps!

Here comes the sauce! Well done!

Now taste it! Focus! Reflect!

Only 27 seconds remain! You can do it!

Who's my dear assistant Esmeralda rooting for?

- Carmela! - I'm backing the young lady over there!

It's this one! It's this one!

And here's our winner! Miss Carmela! Extraordinary! Well done!

How did you guess?

- Last night, I dreamt of my poor mama! - Good.

- She said I'd win lots of money! - It is a lot of money! Twenty million!

Say hello to the mayor. Come on.

Be quick. Our time's almost up. Go on! Get out.

Filled with joy at having rewarded merit, we'll say farewell with our slogan:

With Sprizzugo, life is a delicious mess!

PLAYERS MUST FILL A TUBE OF GENGILAMP TOOTHPASTE

I did it! It's full! I've finished it!

Do you know you've beaten the record that Scotsman Bud Rambish

set in 1939 in foggy England?

- Mr. Adelmo! - Smile! Well done!

This child has won 18 million in Gengilamp toothpaste

plus a three-day trip, with accommodation, in the Col di Lana.

But there's more! There's another surprise!

Open your mouths! Applause!

...the competition starting next week,

to award 60 one-tube packages

of Gengilamp toothpaste!

STAMINA COMPETITION

...a stressful dance competition that has been going for 46 hours.

The clock behind me now marking the 46th hour. It's a —

Move your belly! Move faster!

- She wants the sandwich. - Do you want the sandwich?

Drink up! Drink up!

Move your belly faster! Face the camera! Keep your head low!

TRIPE OF MINE

Smoke! Face the camera! Applause! Quicker!

One. What's the baking temperature for the initial kneading

and how long should it bake?

- Two... - Move your legs, Francesco!

...cut the base of the cake, and with what —

Look at the anchorman.

Move your legs more! Move your legs more!

Smile! More!

Turn around.

Look towards the players, your Chinese assistants and Alba.

TRIPE OF MINE

Hooray! Here's our flying saucer!

Tripe of Mine! Tripe that even Martians adore!

Hooray! Here comes —

Look here and smile.

...the child.

Start applauding back there.

Go on! Move the can! Tripe of Mine! Move your mouth, Dante!

Smoke! Look at the camera! Smile! Applause!

Move the can faster!

ISLAMIC DECAPITATION WITH FEMINIST DEBATE

...our consciences.

We need to wrap it up, as they're flagging we only have two minutes left.

The science of numbers, and perhaps also astrological coincidences,

give satisfying explanations

for apparently cruel and inexplicable facts of life.

I think this princess died for love,

and love is a privilege even when it's for a man.

He who loves much is forgiven much.

The video shown on television has allowed us to see once again —

I am consenting and understanding when it comes to severity.

Indeed, in the town where I was mayor,

no car parked in a prohibited area

ever avoided a fine.

However, I find this fine absurd.

...our indignation, which should also strike our government,

because our party has proof that we continue to send tons of weapons

to these murderous nations.

Just one minute! Only one minute. Everyone must speak.

...and all the other hundreds, thousands,

hundreds of thousands of women

who are daily decapitated within their families, within society.

What about male taboos? Are we never going to address those?

FRAGMENTS OF TV SERIES

You shouldn't have done that, my dear Reginald.

When the police find my body,

they'll immediately know it was you.

Lift your head.

Give us a last half-scowl.

Stop. Excellent! Well done!

TV SALES

It's so nice to bathe with soap and jewels.

Too bad that men can't experience the magical feeling

of wearing Sweet Encounter silk underwear.

ERCULÌN COFFEE

Erculìn, and it's immediately a party!

- Benevelli? - Yes!

SOOTHSAYERS AND GURUS

...we'll discover together.

Let's defend ourselves from these evil beings.

Thanks to elixirs and filters made by IEC, the International Enchantment Company,

owned by Teresa Anaconda, the profound esoteric practitioner.

Send us the voucher found on Shared Soothsaying,

and enclose 59,000 lire.

And may the stars be with you.

There's no more light. Everything's turned black.

The sun collapses, and the stars leave their orbits.

Dear brothers, the apocalypse is near.

But don't worry. I'll take care of saving you.

I'll take you all to the mountains, to Majelletta.

Up there, we will all be saved.

We must all meet on the Majelletta

at a quarter past 3:00 on October 21.

Be sure not to forget.

Hello? Who's there?

Filippo. Where are you calling from?

Terni. What do you want to know?

- I didn't catch the name of the mountain. - The name of the mountain?

Majelletta. Trust me.

- Can I bring my brother-in-law? - You can bring anyone!

You can even bring your cat, your dog. Anyone you want.

Animals will be saved up there too. Everyone.

"THE COW TOOK A POOP"

Was that enough?

Hey! Did you get enough?

Yes. Can we get some more movements just in case?

- Can't we go? - It's time to go!

What shall we do?

Now, let's pretend there's a cow taking a huge crap down there.

Let's clap and laugh. Imagine the cow taking a crap.

Now there's an act you really liked.

So we're applauding with plenty of conviction.

Here we go.

The act is about to finish. Applause!

Good. Thank you.

There's the photographer!

Did that work? Yes?