Original subtitles

I am Chow Ting Fat.

My friends call me Fat.

I'm 33 years old.

This was taken in the first year of high school.

What a nerd, right?

In my essay My Wish,

I wished for six Mercedes Benz,

several apartments,

and a beautiful wife

with a sexy body

and a face like Madonna's.

Well, I failed the essay

and I had to repeat my first year.

But I have never forgotten the woman of my dreams.

Until that night

when my Madonna showed up.

Here's the weather report.

For tonight's weather,

expect scattered showers,

after having clear skies.

Thank goodness I have a new hood.

What the hell?

This thing is like paper.

I've been tricked!

Damn! I fixed it two weeks ago!

Hey, Conduit Road please!

I'm off duty.

-Sorry! -It's not far from here!

-But my house is nearer. -I'll give you 200, just drop me off.

Some other day!

Does my money stink?

Let me help you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Damn!

Why is it reversed?

Let me fix it for you.

Shit!

My umbrella.

You can still use it.

I'll get you a taxi.

Thank goodness he stopped.

Thanks.

You should keep the umbrella.

Sorry I broke your umbrella.

How can I return it?

Ring me up after you fix it.

Okay.

Bye.

I'm glad you're not soaking wet.

That's all right.

It's pouring.

Don't tell me you're off.

-No. -Please wait for me.

Allow me, Miss.

Thanks.

You're soaking wet,

I can't let you help me.

Don't mention it.

I'm taking the taxi now,

why don't you take the umbrella?

Okay.

I'll fix the umbrella and return it.

It's all right.

It's not mine.

Call me when it's fixed.

That's how I met my Madonnas.

The first Madonna is Joey

who owns a boutique.

The other is Sally, a flight attendant.

She's always traveling around.

What do you think will happen to me?

I have one ring, who should I give it to?

I don't know either.

I'll play it by ear and see how things go.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

You shouldn't have counted.

Don't cry.

If you do,

everyone will know you're 28.

Don't cry.

Is the cake beautiful?

For me?

No!

What a cheeky way to propose.

You're the best.

I have no choice

but to leave Sally.

Sally.

What is it, Fat?

I know what you wanted to say. I bought it for you.

Do you like it?

You can't get away now.

I've been waiting for you.

I'm such a push-over.

I don't know how to say no.

Under these circumstances,

I turned to my friend for help.

I am smart.

Joey and I will get married in the US.

I'll marry Sally in Paris.

This is such a perfect plan.

Perfect? But both your marriages

will be in Hong Kong.

I shall see how badly you would screw up.

We're stock brokers.

As long as we make sure both the US

and the European market are running.

US market, keep running.

European market, keep running.

US market is open.

Okay, I'm coming.

What's the matter?

The US market collapsed.

Brokers are lining up

to jump off the office tower.

They asked me to save them. But how? This is a global market.

What's another two hours of sleep? Right?

Why does the US market

collapsed at the same time every night?

Americans are punctual.

Get some rest before the market opens.

Hello?

European market is open.

What's the matter?

The Paris market collapsed, brokers are committing suicide.

Darling!

Again?

Who's calling me? How is it? Yes!

I'll be right there.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Nothing matters.

I have to watch the market!

The US market is closed!

I have to watch the market.

Hello? I thought he went.

I'm back.

Now what?

US market, no. European market, no.

Get it straight!

What kind of market is this?

There you are! Time for lunch.

Who's buying today?

This document...

-What? -Where were we?

Right, previously you bought at five dollars

and sold for four dollars, you're crazy!

That's ridiculous! You're a broker!

You'll be the biggest joke of the year...

Hey. She's gone, go back to sleep.

I can't go on like this.

I know, we'll run three shifts.

Morning, noon and night.

No, odd days at Sally's.

Even days at Joey's.

Sunday will be for myself.

Can you handle that?

-Darling. -Darling.

Thanks!

I've never seen this tie before.

What day is today?

Wednesday.

I'm in the wrong place.

The market doesn't open here.

The European market needs me.

Wait! Your briefcase!

Thanks!

Why is it platinum?

It's the light.

Really?

Look! It's gold now.

Don't use this light bulb again!

Right?

When Sally travels to Paris, I can take it easy.

As for Joey,

I can spend four consecutive days.

This is not a plane crash.

This is when Sally is back.

Then, I'll have to manage both.

But when she leaves again,

I can be with Joey.

Eiffel Tower and the Statue of Liberty.

I can handle them easily.

Hello?

Hello, honey.

Who is this?

What do you mean? It's Sally.

The Eiffel Tower?

What Eiffel Tower?

I'm flying in from France via Bangkok.

I'll arrive at seven o'clock. Come and pick me up?

Okay, see you later.

Darling, I won't be home tonight.

The market again?

The European market is a mess.

Okay, look after my shares too.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

You're giving me a nervous breakdown.

Please don't mess with me again tonight.

You're off tonight. Sally's back.

What? She's back?

When Joey calls, we need to stick to the same story.

You can't keep this up much longer.

Have you seen Fatal Attraction?

I'm lucky to be alive.

Funny how it's already dark at six o'clock.

You told me not to pick you up at seven o'clock?

Well, I'll surprise you.

The Artist of The Year award

goes to Chow Yun Fat.

What? Chow Yun Fat again? It must be a set-up.

It's just a fender bender.

Let's not call the police.

But it's the law.

But there are no cops around.

I'm a cop.

You must be a senior officer.

I'll let this one slide.

You're the nicest cop I have ever met.

I owe you one.

Inspector Cheng!

How can this happen?

Anything is possible with you around.

Call an ambulance.

He's still unconscious.

Shall we call his family?

Search him.

Look for an ID or business card.

Here it is.

Hello.

Hello, do you know Chow Ting Fat?

He is my husband, who's this?

Darling!

What am I doing here?

Shit! Sally!

I'm a cop. Your husband is in the hospital.

What? You had an accident?

Yes, I wrecked my car.

How is he now?

I'm a cop. Not a doctor, ma'am.

I don't know his condition.

Please come to Queen Elizabeth hospital.

Hurry up!

I'll be right there!

Wait for me.

See you, darling.

What did the doctor say, Inspector Cheng?

He's fine.

Did you call his family?

I called the number on his card and informed his wife.

Sorry.

Mr. Chow, I need your address for my report.

It's 5 Jardines Lookout, Ground Floor.

-Darling! -Sally!

Are you all right?

It's only a slight bump.

What room is Chow Ting Fat in?

Let me check.

Anything else?

Sign here and you can go.

-Did you find out? -Room 214.

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

Shit.

I left something behind.

You go with the Inspector first.

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Where is Mr. Chow?

He left something in the room.

Where is Room 214?

-It's the second one at the end. -Thank you.

Fat!

Where is he?

This is Room 214.

What happened to you, darling?

How bad is he, doctor?

He is a mess inside.

-Do you recognize me, darling? -Madam! Please...

Please don't touch him.

-It took us ages to sew him up. -Don't scare me, darling!

-Answer me! -Madam! You can't!

Hey.

It's been an hour, you need to pee.

Sorry, I can't do it in front of you.

I'm just passing through.

Ma'am, please step outside.

Sorry, I have to delay my departure.

This patient is HIV positive.

You'll need to do a blood test.

HIV? My husband is Chow Ting Fat.

Ma'am, are you Mrs. Chow?

Yes, a cop told me to come here.

That was me.

Let's take a look at his chart

and see if he has been discharged.

That's my cue. Carry on.

Do it now!

Forget it, just change my sheets.

Did you find it?

Yes! All set?

-Yes. -Let's go!

The elevator is here.

Wait for me!

Sorry.

What's wrong? Cramps?

Do you feel like throwing up?

Are you all right? Shall I take you to the doctor?

Excuse me! Coming through...

What's wrong with you?

-Don't push... -Don't push!

-Not yet... -I'm falling...

-Watch it! -Be careful!

Thanks.

Honey! We're not there yet, get back in.

Why did you take the pot?

I like flowers.

What?

I like the fragrance.

It belongs to the hospital.

What a jerk!

You brat!

What are you doing?

Your child is cute.

Very cute.

Let go of the kid.

-You're cute. -Stop pushing.

You're so damn cute.

Let go of my son, you jerk!

Here!

Are you a doctor?

-Yes. -The plant is sick, take a look.

Hey!

Ice-cream man.

You scared the hell out of me.

Are you sure there's a drug deal?

I don't really know.

But nobody sells ice cream outside a love motel.

Must be the old hag's idea.

She always gets these crazy ideas.

Try the walkie-talkies.

They didn't work last time.

They're working now.

Let's split up.

What are you waiting for? Go!

Worm calling Inspector Cheng!

Be careful tonight.

Last time we went undercover as lovers.

She scratched my back so hard

that I still have scars.

If you go in with her,

you'll become a zombie.

Don't be so cruel, Sir.

She's been after you for a decade,

yet you showed no interest.

I'm not interested because she failed to make me interested.

This walkie-talkie is working quite well.

Yes, even the old woman heard you loud and clear.

Here's the new arrangement, zombie.

David will be the ice cream man.

You come with me to the motel.

My back still hurts.

I don't care.

I'd like to see how you become a zombie.

Go and get changed.

I can't fit into his clothes.

He doesn't need to change.

He'll look the part in anything.

You're right!

Come on, let's go.

Ma'am, we just got word from Headquarters,

it was a bogus tip.

-What did you say? -Wonderful! Let go!

It's a wrap! Follow me if you want a beer.

Good night, ma'am.

By the way,

I was worried about you.

I was worried about you too.

The case on Chow Ting Fat,

a woman claimed to be his wife at the hospital.

That's impossible.

I saw him leaving with his wife.

Go check it out now.

Now? But you just said it's a wrap.

Shall I go then?

Damn!

You're not having a beer either.

Meet me at the cinema in 15 minutes.

We're disguising as lovers for a scoop.

We'll go for dinner, shopping and supper after,

until we get the information. Don't be late!

You're looking for information about me.

-Damn! -Let's go for some beer.

You wish!

I found a ticket on the ground, is it yours?

It must be yours.

A 9:30 show? It's mine!

You should've told me if you have a date.

Who'll follow the case then?

Let's stay home tonight.

Okay.

Leave the phone

and let's sleep in early.

Sure.

Someone's at the door.

-Mr. Chow. -Inspector.

A bit late, isn't it?

I came by to find out

if you have two wives.

What?

After you left, my men told me

that a woman came looking for you

and said she was your wife.

-What? -Absolutely impossible!

You've made a mistake.

There are so many of us with the same name.

You better double check.

Is this your wedding photo?

Of course, we took it in Paris.

I'm sure he doesn't have two wives.

Of course not.

If he does, I'll chop him.

She's so funny.

That woman must be mistaken.

I'll check over at Conduit Road.

Sorry for disturbing you.

Hey, what did you say?

She said she lives on Conduit Road.

Either there are two Chow Ting Fats

or she's crazy.

You're leaving already?

Have a drink before you go.

No, thanks. I'm in a hurry.

Drive carefully.

Chi Hung, what's wrong?

You are so nervous that you need medicine.

I'm fine.

I'm so glad I found you.

What's up?

Can you talk?

Yes, I'm with Ka Lai. What's up?

Then you can't talk.

I can...

No? What about now?

Where are you? There's a lot of static.

We can talk now.

Go to Joey's place and pretend to be me.

If anyone asks for me, just say you're Chow Ting Fat.

But don't let Joey know.

What? How can I do that?

I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You took acting lessons.

I'll ring up Joey now.

Hello?

-Hello? -Darling.

Darling, where are you?

A cop called and said you were in a hospital,

but I couldn't find you when I was there.

The cop was mistaken.

Watch out for a fat guy.

He's insane.

What fat guy?

He's a client who lost all his money.

He wants to kill me.

Are you in any danger?

Don't worry.

I'm safe.

Hold on.

Hello?

What's up? Darling!

Cockroach!

It's nothing, wait outside.

Go to hell.

Hello?

Hello, who's this?

I was talking to Fat.

He's busy, call back later.

To hell with you!

What's your number?

The number is 905009.

You can reach him here.

Hey.

Hello? Who were you talking to?

Your colleague.

I gave her this number

and I told her to call later.

Are you crazy?

Did you give her this number?

Why not?

Nothing, it's time for dinner.

Go take your shower. Get in.

Where's the cockroach?

It's taken care of.

Really?

Get in!

Cockroach!

Where?

It's just the phone, calm down.

-Hello? -Fat.

Did someone scream for help just now?

I forgot to tell you that I'm in an asylum.

That's how I found out

that the fat guy broke out of here.

He might be there soon.

Don't let him in.

Also, he likes to impersonate a cop.

Don't listen to him.

I know what to do.

Look at me! You said it's taken care of!

What should I do?

I'm a cop.

You're crazy!

Open up, it's the police!

Open up!

Who are you looking for?

Chow Ting Fat.

That's me!

Your wife can't find you at the hospital.

So she reported that you're missing.

I'm responsible for this case.

You're a cop?

Is that you, Chi Hung?

Chi Hung? Aren't you Chow Ting Fat?

Chi Hung was my son.

He died last year

in a car accident.

My wife hasn't been the same ever since.

I'll ask her to open up.

Joey! It's me, open up.

This is...

Please come in.

He's...

Don't worry, I'm here.

This is Inspector Cheng.

Did you report that your husband is missing?

Excuse me, please wait a moment.

Why did you let him in?

He's crazy.

I know, but don't be scared.

Get him something from the kitchen

or he'll know we suspect him.

Then we'll be in trouble.

Be careful.

I will.

Inspector Cheng, please have a seat. I'll serve you something.

Make yourself comfortable.

Inspector, don't move!

Your jacket is dirty. Let me wipe it.

Thanks.

Didn't you say you'll wipe my jacket?

I was wrong. It wasn't dirty.

What should I get?

Chicken.

Joey!

You scared me!

Don't call me Chi Hung.

Why?

Because his name is also Hung.

He'll be jealous.

What should I call you?

Call me Hung Jr in front of him.

Make him feel better.

What's with the chicken?

It's for him.

Don't be silly! The crazy man is afraid of chicken.

Give him bananas.

Hurry up! He likes bananas.

Hurry up!

Have some fruits.

Your wife seems a bit off.

How do you know?

She keeps calling Chi Hung.

She still misses him.

Isn't she crazy?

You know she's crazy.

Did she try to kill anyone?

No.

That's better.

Chi Hung...

Hung Jr. have some fruits.

These fruits are fresh.

Let me peel them for you.

No thanks.

Come over, Hung Jr.

What are you doing?

Stop it you two.

Let go!

Don't!

Hung Jr. has a gun.

Listen to mom, don't shoot.

If you don't shoot, mom will be fine.

-Say no more! -Put the gun down.

Tell mom to drop the knife.

Stop it, both of you.

I'm off.

Mr. Chow, this can't go on.

She makes bogus reports

because she misses her son.

Psychiatry is not my business, bye.

You'd think after he's gone that'll be the end of my troubles?

It's just the beginning of a nightmare.

Sally, can we go?

I'm starving. Hurry up.

There's nothing, see?

Hurry up.

I have good news.

I'm part of the ground staff now.

I don't have to fly anymore.

From now on, I can be with you. Are you happy?

Oh, my gosh! Stop messing around with me!

Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.

I'm full now.

-Hello? -Darling, it's me.

-Who's this? -Sally.

Yes?

I bought a dress

but it has to be altered and I need to go to the hairdresser.

Can you pick it up for me in an hour?

Okay, where's the shop?

Joey Boutique in Central.

Darling, are you all right?

All right? How can he pull this off?

Darling, hello! What happened?

Nothing, I dropped the phone...

Where's the boutique?

Hold on.

-My husband doesn't know your shop. -Let me talk to him.

How can I address you?

His last name is Chow.

So is my husband.

Hello, Mr. Chow...

Please tell me the address.

It's in Swire House.

I know.

I'll send someone later, thanks!

Chi Hung, I need your help.

Chi Hung, buying a dress for Ka Lai?

No, I'm picking up a dress for Sally.

You know her husband? What a coincidence.

His wife is very pretty, do I know him?

I think you have met.

Really? Who is it?

Fat!

No, not him!

What's wrong?

Remind Fat

that dinner is at 8 p.m. at Casablanca.

Ask him to book a table.

Don't talk like that.

I have a weak heart.

Hey!

What is it?

She didn't pay for the dress.

How much is it?

It's 2,300 dollars.

Chi Hung, did you buy something at Joey's boutique?

It's my size!

What's the dress for?

What have you done?

It's not for you.

Who is it for?

I bought it for Fat.

He bought a dress from his wife's boutique?

How is that possible?

There he is, ask him yourself!

What's going on?

I want to know why you bought this dress

from your wife's boutique?

I also wanted to know

why you bought this dress at Joey's boutique?

-Why? -Explain!

Did you forget your friend asked you to buy it?

What friend?

Chi Hung knows him too!

Who is it?

You want me to tell her?

Tell her what?

When you see the person wearing this nice dress.

You'll know who bought it.

You haven't paid for it yet.

Oh yes, an idiot paid for it already.

Helen, send it to this address.

Fat, Joey asked me to remind you

about dinner, 8 p.m. tonight at Casablanca.

All right!

Mr. Chow,

your wife wants to know where you're having dinner tonight.

It's 8 p.m. at Casablanca.

Okay.

Mr. Chow said 8 p.m. at Casablanca.

It's 8 p.m., Casablanca?

Fancy meeting you here, Mrs. Chow.

Hello, Mrs. Chow.

Are you meeting anyone?

My husband.

Me too!

Let's sit together.

Sure.

You look gorgeous in that dress.

The color suits you.

I can't wear that

because I don't have broad shoulders.

Damn!

Why are you so scared?

You scared the hell out of me!

Chi Hung told me you're here

that's why we're here.

But we won't get in your way.

Why is he so scared?

Who knows?

Your dress is so becoming.

-Really? -Sure.

Excuse me, which one of you is Miss Joey?

-I am. -There's a phone call for you.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

What are you doing? I have a phone call.

Forget that, it was me.

We have to go.

Fat!

You know each other?

I'll come over.

Let's go over there.

That dress...

Is it the one you picked up today?

Who is she?

Ask Fat.

What is it?

Come here.

See the lady in purple over there?

Yes, I know her.

She bought a dress at my boutique

but Chi Hung picked it up.

That's because she's his old flame.

What's going on?

You won't believe this.

She was engaged to Chi Hung

before they were born.

But for some reason, they split up.

Chi Hung is now engaged to Ka Lai.

-I know! -Then she came back suddenly

and they are here tonight.

As a friend, I have to help him.

Of course.

The only way to help him is

to pretend to be her boyfriend.

You're so smart!

Thanks.

When we get cozy, don't be jealous!

I'm not crazy, go on.

Go on.

This won't be easy

but what are friends for, right?

Hurry up, Chi Hung is dying.

Darling.

You're late.

Trouble at work.

I've been waiting for you.

Fat is hugging that woman.

What's going on?

I want to ask him too.

Do you know why I stopped that woman?

She's Chi Hung's fiancée,

that one in the yellow dress.

Thanks.

How did that happen?

It's incredible.

-Really? -It's like this...

That's ridiculous! If she's Fat's mistress,

why is Joey so calm?

Why are you so nervous?

I haven't been able to sleep.

Don't you feel sorry for Chi Hung?

You must help him.

Joey is sitting there alone, let's go keep her company.

Keep her company?

We'll be like sisters. Let's go.

What are you doing here?

We'll pretend to be good friends.

Sure! Go ahead!

That's bad.

Kiss me, they won't suspect it.

One more kiss.

I'll go find out what's going on.

It's tough being a mistress.

I understand.

I feel sorry for you.

Thanks! I'm really pathetic.

I always take the fall for him.

It's getting late, we better go.

Fat, can I sit down?

Sit down, Chi Hung!

Let me introduce you, Sally, Ka Lai.

Chi Hung's fiancée.

Hello.

This is a beautiful dress.

Chi Hung, is this the one you brought to the office today?

Did you pick it up for me? Thanks!

Don't mention it! It's a bit complicated.

You're so lazy!

I told you to pick it up and you sent someone else.

-What? -You told Fat to get it?

Sure, it's the least a husband can do when the wife goes shopping.

Of course! It's the husband's duty.

Right, Chi Hung?

But when the husband is busy he can send a friend.

Isn't it, Fat?

If the friend is busy

the husband can do it himself.

I just know that I'm not her husband.

What?

Who said you're my husband?

This is enough!

This is getting too complicated.

I can't salvage it for you!

Sally, Joey, let's go!

It's ridiculous!

I'm sorry, we can't help you.

Me neither.

Why do you need their help?

I don't have a clue!

What game are you playing?

Game?

It's more like the game is playing me.

This isn't how you treat a friend.

I've taken the fall for you

-and now this! -Don't get mad!

Let's not talk about him.

I'll send Sally home, wait for me in the bar.

-I won't be long. -Hurry up.

I've misjudged you!

Let's go.

Must be tough to be Chi Hung's friend.

-Go back for Joey as soon as you can. -I will.

Very nice.

What?

Very nice.

I'm the Big Man

I love you both!

Both are the love of my life

Can't do without either

Hanging on to both! Oh, very nice!

You're the Big Man

Always dating!

I'm in love day and night

All the time

Can't be separated

You're very nice to me!

I love you

Oh, I love you

The world is at peace

I'm the Big Man!

Always dating!

The statue and the tower

Are always by my side

You and me! Oh, very nice

You're very nice to me!

I love you

Oh, I love you

The world is at peace

I'm the Big Man!

I love you both!

Both are the love of my life

Can't do without either

Hanging on to both! Oh very nice!

You're asking for it!

Who is it?

Everything all right?

Why not?

You know what? I was worried about you all night long.

Worried?

Even if they bump into one another there's no need to worry.

I'm smart.

Otherwise, they won't hire me. Stupid!

This is a nice salon.

My friends come here as well.

Philip!

Get a good stylist

for my friend.

Sure! This way, please!

-You can sit here. -Thanks.

-Please wait. -Okay.

The stylist will be right over.

Sally!

It's you!

Is Ka Lai around?

No, don't worry.

Me? I'm not worried.

You should be careful.

If word gets out it'll be nothing but trouble.

Luckily, Fat was there last night

or it'll be disastrous.

That's because they're good friends.

It's hard to say.

Love cannot be forced.

True, an outsider can't help much.

I'm glad you understand.

Sally, we're both women,

of course, we would understand.

You're in quite a tight spot.

Tight spot?

This way, Miss.

Okay.

Since we get along so well,

my birthday is the day after tomorrow.

You and your husband are welcome to join us.

Fat and Chi Hung are such good friends,

they'll have a blast.

Are you crazy?

How can you let Sally celebrate Joey's birthday?

Count me out.

What?

Do I have a choice?

You were the leading man in Casablanca.

I can't do it without you.

It's such a mess.

You won't get lucky again.

Don't worry.

I have a plan. It's all arranged.

At 8 p.m., I'll go out to get newspapers.

You and Sally wait for me downstairs. We'll go up together.

She wouldn't know who's the husband.

What if Sally holds your hand?

I'll bend down and tie my shoelaces.

What if they call you darling together?

They'll know.

I won't give them the chance.

Pretend to pass out once you get inside.

I'll have an excuse to take you to the hospital.

Once downstairs, I'll send Sally home

and you can leave.

Then, I'll go upstairs and enjoy the night.

It sounds all right now.

Will it work tomorrow?

It'll be just the same.

Honey, I'm going to get newspapers.

No need.

I already got it.

I want the evening news.

Here it is.

Thanks.

I just remembered.

Chi Hung loves champagne, one is not enough.

I bought plenty.

What about fruits? He loves durian.

I got that too.

Then I'll go get something you don't have.

What could that be?

-Mr. Chow. -Mrs. Wong, done with mahjong?

No, I left something.

Where is he? Sally is late too.

You're here already!

How long have you been here?

I went to the wrong block. Let's go.

Let's wait for Chi Hung.

But we're already late.

I'll call him. Stay right here.

Hello?

It's time. Where are you?

I'm in an accident.

Hurry up and pay the penalty

or I'm dead.

Let me wrap this up first.

Well? Did you find him?

He said another two minutes.

Sally!

Hey, there you are!

Hello!

Darling!

Chi Hung is not here yet! It's only us.

Come up anyway!

Okay!

Come on.

Oh, dear. Which floor is it?

Let's wait for Chi Hung.

Didn't you see? It's the eighth floor.

Back again, Mr. Chow?

Yes. Who are you?

I'm Mrs. Wong! I just saw you.

Mrs. Wong? Do you know her?

No.

-I don't either. -I lived in Block eight B.

Mrs. Wong!

The mahjong fanatic?

Mrs. Wong, the mahjong fanatic!

-Oh, yes! -It's her.

You know her?

Yes, she's crazy.

There is a mental home in this building.

She calls every man Mr. Chow

and calls herself Mrs. Wong.

Darling.

Let go. I have to tie my shoelaces.

Your shoes don't have any shoelaces.

Right!

Chi Hung should be here. I'll go meet him.

I smell gas! Is there a leak?

I can't smell it!

It's definitely a leak. Your nose is stuffy.

Go inside and check it.

-I really can't smell it. -Check carefully.

-I can't smell anything. -I can't either.

Your face is dirty.

-Really? -Clean it up in the bathroom.

Where is it?

Over there!

How did you know?

Just a guess. Go wash up.

Darling!

Coming!

There's no gas leak.

Excellent.

Where's Sally?

In the bathroom.

Open up, darling!

Darling?

She thought Chi Hung is here already.

Let's trick her and pretend I'm Chi Hung.

What is it, honey?

The door is jammed, I can't open it.

It must be the lock.

Go and get the spare key.

Hurry up.

-Darling! -Coming!

What's with the door?

Latest security lock. It locks automatically.

Darling, my door is locked!

Why is she calling you darling?

Chi Hung must be here.

Darling!

There's nobody here.

Silly, I have the key.

Honey, I'm thirsty.

I can unlock it.

Please pour me some water.

I'm so incredibly calm.

-Darling! -Coming!

What's wrong with the locks today?

I wonder why.

Darling!

It must be Chi Hung, go meet him.

Here's your water.

Go meet him. Go on.

He should know his way.

What's keeping him? It's been ten minutes.

Yes, it's been ten minutes.

Give me the water, ready...

I'll look for that jerk outside

Waiting for him to show up

Holding two glasses of water I sing

Why isn't he here?

Must be one hell of an accident.

The rain falls on my face

I forgot the lyrics, your turn.

Wearing that lovely dress

It's out of tune.

Sitting alone until six o'clock

With two glasses of warm champagne

I probably won't make it tonight.

I'm sure Fat can manage.

Where the hell is Chi Hung?

Right.

My turn again?

Forget it.

I insist.

I have a 12-inch LP.

Can't imagine why it's so long.

Restless sleep...

Let's start our mahjong

and play all night

Forget your worries...

Sorry, I'll start again.

Please take care of yourself

I'll give you a tender kiss

Your red lips, burning with desire

Tenderness, lust, completely lost

-Darling! -Darling!

Your red lips, burning with desire.

What is it?

-Chi Hung! -Chi Hung!

You're heartless and cruel

It's like another lifetime.

Pass out after the song.

Go on!

Chi Hung!

He passed out.

He's always like this.

I'll just take him to hospital.

Let me help you.

You're not strong enough.

Thanks, Sally.

Don't mention it. I'm used to it on the plane.

There's ammonia in my purse.

Let him sniff it.

He's awake now.

It works!

Are you trying to kill me?

You can't wake up!

I don't mean to.

I'm allergic to ammonia.

I'll throw up if I sniff it.

Sally, take him to my room.

Right, it's your place. Might as well help him into his pajamas.

What?

What shall I do?

Get changed.

You don't need Fat's permission.

Hurry up.

Me?

It's all right with us.

You don't need Fat's opinion.

This is a happy occasion.

Why don't we cut the cake?

Come on.

Here comes the happy moment.

FROM FAT

What is it?

You're so careless, let me do it.

He's a nervous wreck.

Nervous wreck?

He screws up all the time.

I...

Say no more.

I'll get it.

Inspector Cheng, why are you here so late?

Is Mr. Chow in?

It's the nutcase.

Why are you here?

Two Chow Ting Fats under the same roof?

Come here.

Both of you are Chow Ting Fat.

You can have the same name

but not the same ID number.

Both flats are registered

under the same ID number.

That's ridiculous.

What is he saying?

How should I know?

I'd like to have some answers.

Hold on.

Hold this.

What you're saying sounds complicated. Let's go inside and I'll explain.

Let's go.

What's with him? What about two Chow Ting Fat?

How can this be Chi Hung and Fat's house?

He's insane.

He lost all his money in shares

and likes to pose as a cop.

Really?

What can I say?

As long as I can get past the fat guy

I'll try anything.

You're saying you have two homes.

Why is he living here?

Why not?

I rented this house so we can be together. Get it?

What?

We're living together! Is that clear?

Crystal clear!

You...

You might as well admit it.

Don't be shy.

He's very shy, Inspector Cheng,

especially in front of a stranger.

Don't touch me, I understand.

You live with your wife in Jardines Lookout

-and have a second home with him. -You're so clever!

Don't touch me!

Who's that crazy woman who claims to be his wife?

She's incredible!

He likes to dress up as a girl and then...

You're saying he's a man?

He was, but she's 101 percent woman now.

I can show you if...

Don't touch me, I can manage...

Look at him, Inspector Cheng.

Women can't be that tall.

Look at her chest.

Flat as a board.

So unflattering.

That's right.

This is a gay unit then?

Don't say that, it's so awkward.

-Now you know everything. -Don't touch me!

Very well, I have to go now.

Show him out, will you?

I don't get it.

How can you stand them?

The door is open.

Beware of HIV!

What HIV?

I told you he's crazy.

Let's eat.

What is it?

This is the last straw.

Help!

What happened?

Help! He's fidgeting!

He's having a seizure.

Any medication on this?

-No. -Then quickly get him to the hospital.

Good work.

Don't stand there! Help lift him up!

Hold on!

My mom said we have to stuff grass in his mouth

so he won't bite his tongue.

That's what my mom said too.

Stuff him...

-Lend me a hand. -Open wide!

The grass is fresh.

Stuff him.

Stop laughing, you jerk!

I can't go with Ka Lai for her fitting.

It's your fault!

MI YUE

Do you like my design?

It's beautiful, Chi Hung will love it.

Not when he gets the bill.

It's expensive, isn't it?

You only get married once, everything has to be perfect.

This is a professional studio.

I took my wedding photos here too.

Look how beautiful they are.

It's beautiful.

Mr. Lau took them for me.

Can I help you, Miss?

My picture is torn.

I want another copy made.

No problem.

-You... -You...

You...

You...

Why are you...

You...

What are you doing here?

To get another copy of my wedding picture.

-Let me see! -You can't...

Why not? If you can, why can't I?

Trust me, you can't see it.

Why not? I want to see it.

-Don't stop me! -You can't see it!

-Don't! -What are you doing?

-I just want to see it! -Let go!

Don't let her see Chi Hung's wedding picture.

Who said I'm married to Chi Hung?

Chi Hung is not your husband?

Look!

This is your husband?

Of course.

Look!

-Chow Ting Fat! -Chow Ting Fat!

Who is calling me?

Don't scare me!

Me and Joey's wedding anniversary is coming up.

Let's talk later.

Why choose this hotel for the night?

Don't you remember?

We spent our honeymoon here.

When will Chi Hung arrive?

We must be earlier than he is.

Over there.

-Congratulations! -Thanks!

Want something to drink?

Sally, what a coincidence?

Sally!

I thought you're out at sea.

It's canceled because of the typhoon.

Typhoon? There's no wind.

It's usually quiet before a storm.

-Sally. -Right.

The honeymoon suite is gorgeous.

They're all set.

Miss, your orders are ready.

Can you salvage the markets tonight?

Ka Lai is here, I can't help you.

Think of something.

Both markets crashed.

You must help me.

Fat.

It's your big day, hurry...

Let me handle this.

Let's eat.

Today is Joey and Chi Hung's anniversary.

Watch what you say.

I know what to do.

Go and give her a kiss.

Clever.

You can't help him much longer.

This is the last time.

Fat, I think you're the luckiest man in the world.

Married to two women at once

and they get along so well.

It's hard to say.

Things are never what they seem.

Fat is such a nice man.

He's blessed with such good luck.

Sometimes I'll pinch his right cheek.

I'll pinch his left cheek.

It hurts

but he never gets mad.

He actually enjoys it.

Sometimes I give him a steak.

Sometimes I give him chicken.

He'll finish them off.

-Right? -Right?

Right.

When I lose my temper,

I'll slap him.

Me too.

That's double the pain.

-Right? -Right?

Joey, I better go now.

We'll be in our room.

Good night.

Our trick worked

and we managed to fool them.

It's bad for my face.

What's the matter?

They're still here, in Room 801.

Ka Lai will be back anytime.

It's safer if you send Sally home first.

That's clever.

But it'll take two hours.

Don't worry.

Joey asked us to leave as Chi Hung might come back.

I want to leave anyway.

Let's go.

You booked a room?

I need you right now.

No, we only have less than two hours.

Why?

I have to watch the US market.

-So... -Is it?

Hurry up then.

-Hurry up. -Coming.

Come on.

Hurry up, I need hot water.

Who was it, honey?

I called Joey, she said she's lonely.

So I asked her to join us.

But I need you.

Don't worry, we have plenty of time.

Watch TV then.

What are you doing?

The last episode of Dallas is on.

Watch it.

It's great, watch it.

Chi Hung.

Where's your husband?

-Where is he? -In the washroom.

Both women are in my room, 804.

If I leave now,

Ka Lai will follow me.

I got it.

There's a window in the bathroom. Climb over and help me!

I can't stay there forever.

You're so stupid.

Tell her you have an upset stomach

and have to use the toilet.

Anything wrong?

Nothing.

Fat must have eaten something bad. He had a stomachache.

So do I.

Go to the bathroom then.

Hurry up.

Over here.

Stop looking around. Come over here.

Why must you get me involved?

What's the use of complaining?

If it wasn't for me,

you won't look so fit

and met Ka Lai.

Fine! Thanks a lot!

What have I done to deserve this?

Maybe you owe me in your past life and you're here to pay me back.

Here we are again.

Come in.

I'd like to see how you pull this off.

Don't worry.

When Sally comes in you sneak out.

What if I see Joey?

If you see her,

tell her I'm busy and ask her to go home.

Knock on the door three times

and you can leave.

Is that it?

Can you do more?

Why am I here?

My wife...

Where's Joey?

Oh no! I can't get the window open.

Shit, I have to knock three times.

Joey's gone.

It's Ka Lai, open up!

Ka Lai?

Thanks!

What are you doing here?

My fortune-teller once said

that I can't stay in room number one.

I need to swap rooms.

Chi Hung's not with you?

He was in the bathroom, but now he's gone.

There's a bottle of sleeping pills under the lamp.

Please keep it for me.

Sure.

Get some rest, bye.

Rest?

The last episode of Dallas is on.

I won't miss it.

I must know how it ends.

I've seen it.

Bobby was shot to death, good night!

Darling, I'll be in the bathroom.

Put away the sleeping pills.

Wow.

We didn't order room service.

But someone just called.

Now I have a stomachache.

Was it something that I ate?

I have to use the toilet.

Lucky she isn't feeling well.

I'm begging you, don't come out now.

Stay longer in there.

Chi Hung.

Chi Hung is so clever tonight.

I'm running out of time.

Hello, it's me.

Well?

Those are actually digestive pills.

There's a freshwater crab over here.

The one with the stirrer is laced.

Darling.

Darling.

We have room service?

Yes.

Smells good.

Hold up, let's have a drink.

Wait.

What are you doing?

Have you played this game?

What game?

It's a good game.

I'll show you.

Don't do that.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm swapping the drinks around.

Guess which one is yours.

Take a guess.

I can't. You're making me dizzy.

This one.

If you're all right,

I can't drink this.

I can't drink this. It'll wipe me out.

What a waste of effort.

You should've told me. I wouldn't need to do all this.

I still have time.

It's him.

What's going on?

How dare you

have an affair with my wife?

You're mistaken. My wife just passed out.

She is your wife?

Wake her up. Let me ask her.

That's easy. Honey, wake up.

Get up and tell them.

Tell them.

Tell them I'm your husband.

Come on, get up!

You bastard!

You seduced my wife and now you're going to rape someone else.

Beat him up!

No! Please!

Don't!

Throw him out!

Help, I'm innocent!

-Go easy on him. -I will.

I'm a broker. I'll give you some tips.

Boss, we got the wrong guy.

Nancy is next door!

-No way! -Yes!

Sorry! We made a mistake!

Let's go!

-Sorry. -Sorry.

How polite of him.

He apologized.

It's not that serious. I still have time...

Hello?

I'm done. It's your turn now.

Joey.

Joey.

What are you doing? Darling.

You can't eat that.

Leave me alone.

Did you finish the whole bottle?

Darling.

Don't move. Who are you?

I'm your husband.

No, you're a panda.

I supposed I look like one.

Go to hell!

Where is the wine?

Wine?

Where is the bottle?

Sleeping pills.

I want to drink.

Where is it?

Sorry, honey.

I want wine.

Here you go.

Give it to me.

Here you go.

I want wine.

Hey!

Must we fight?

You used to cheer me up before I drink.

You're quite sober for someone who's drunk.

Cheer me up or I won't drink.

All right.

Small flower drum, big flower drum

Fung Yeung was a nice place

And when the tyrant came around

Fung Yeung wasn't that nice anymore

Fly...

Fly away...

Not funny? Let's try something else.

Here comes Dr. Slump!

A man with great intelligence

His creations will surprise you

Wendy and Gus are both important

That's terrible!

I did my best already.

-I'll kill you. -Don't!

Go to hell!

Don't throw that!

I'm happy. I can drink now.

At last...

Come, let's have a drink.

Let's drink.

Wait, did you pour wine into my glass?

Of course not, I don't even have enough.

Cheers.

Hello, morning call.

I didn't ask for a morning call.

Don't call again.

I'm wide awake.

I feel like throwing up.

I'll help you to the bathroom.

Take your time.

Why is it locked?

Where are you, Darling?

I want breakfast.

No, I want to change.

I must change for breakfast.

I'll buy you a dress.

Honey, this is a beautiful dress.

When will this end?

Damn! This is Joey's room.

God, what have I done wrong? Oh, god!

Joey!

Is this a haunted hotel?

What have they done?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Don't mess around.

Hey!

Don't mess around.

I get it! You pretended to be drunk.

We've been drunk for a year.

Now you should sober up.

It can't be that serious?

Both? One should be enough.

You really mean it? Stop!

What are you doing?

Enjoy your pain.

Enjoy your sorrow.

Joey!

Listen to me. Don't go, Joey!

Darling!

Sally! No! Joey!

Sally, don't go, listen to me!

Sally, where are you?

I'm here!

Come down if you dare!

Oh no!

You will kill me.

That's what I want.

I'm scared!

I'm the only child.

Please don't break.

Stop...

I know I'm out of luck

but this is too much.

Still can't sleep, Fat?

What are the flowers for?

They're from Joey.

I knew it! She has a soft spot for me.

She's sorry.

I'm leaving for New York

for good.

She's not sorry. I am.

Chi Hung, check all the flights to the US.

-Go on! -Okay!

The US...

Flowers from Miss Yip.

Is there a card?

-No. -That's better.

You dropped this card.

Only one flight at five o'clock.

Let's go!

-Where? -Airport!

There's nothing you can do about love.

Don't feel bad, Sally.

Don't cry.

-You go ahead. -Okay.

What a coincidence.

I'm leaving.

I'm never coming back.

Where are you going?

I'm migrating to the US.

I'm not coming back.

What about Fat?

I thought you would stay.

Me too.

United! Where is United?

Where is United?

Over there!

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Joey! Sally! Don't go!

Oh no, he's here.

Sally, you stay behind.

No, you better stay.

Don't go, wait for me.

Let's go!

Hurry up!

Sally! Joey!

Don't go! That way!

-That way! -Okay!

He's coming.

Hurry up!

Stop! It's going to crash!

Fat, are you all right?

I'm fine!

Get in!

Hurry up!

Hey. What are you doing?

What's the matter?

I'm now charging you for racing in the restricted area.

Officer, my wife is inside.

-Inside! -Tell me about it at the Police station.

Joey.

Sally.

Cheers.

You are still drinking?

You are back?

I never left.

I know Joey left.

I'm afraid you'll be heartbroken.

It's better to be heartbroken together

than being apart.

Understand?

A bit.

But I'm too drunk.

I have to go to the toilet.

Okay.

Wait for me here.

Sir, the toilet is this way.

-Fat! -Joey?

What are you doing here?

I know Sally left for France.

You must be upset.

I feel just as bad in New York.

So you would rather have us be upset together

than be apart? Right?

Right.

Let me go wash up.

I'll be sober when I come out. Wait for me.

Fat!

Are you out of your mind?

You can't do this again!

Haven't you had enough?

Thanks.

What would you like, Miss?

Nothing. Is there another exit?

It's over there.

Thanks.

Excuse me, is there another exit over there?

She went that way, go this way.

Thanks.

Have you seen--

She took that exit.

The other one--

She went that way.

Thanks.

Beer calling Herbal Tea. Target is here.

Stand by, everyone.

Did you bring the goods?

Let me see the money.

The deal is underway. Get ready!

What a coincidence. I'm waiting for a taxi.

-Don't go over there! -Cops!

Come back, it's dangerous!

Damn it!

Don't go over there!

Help!

Joey! Sally!

Surround them!

Let them go!

You've been surrounded! Give it up!

Don't do anything funny

or I'll kill them!

Joey! Sally!

Mr. Chow, stay back!

It's dangerous!

Don't come any closer

or I'll kill them!

Please don't!

Don't harm them.

Trade them for me.

Let me be your hostage.

Why should we listen to you?

I'm the Chief Inspector.

You're the Chief Inspector?

No, he sends me to negotiate.

I can make decisions.

Don't shoot!

I'm not kidding, I'm a senior officer.

Frisk him!

Don't move!

They're holding them hostages.

-Don't beat my husband. -Don't beat my husband.

That cop is your husband?

He's not a cop but my husband.

Stop lying to me.

Whose husband is he?

-He's our husband. -He's our husband.

Honey!

Don't come over, or they're dead!

You want to get away, right?

I can arrange a chopper

that'll take you to Po Toi Island

and then out to the open sea.

I'll get you traveling expenses.

One million US dollars each.

This cop is too nice.

I'll also apply with my boss

to issue each of you a passport.

Hurry up! Or I'll kill them!

Please don't hurt them.

Officer, I made a deal with them.

What deal?

This is confidential, let's talk inside.

I promised them.

Promised them what?

A chopper to Po Toi Island.

You're insane!

And one million US dollars each.

You're nuts.

And a passport for each of them.

I don't care what you say, I must arrest them.

-You won't budge? -No!

-Are you sure? -Yes!

Then I'll kill myself.

What are you doing? Drop the gun!

Drop it before you hurt yourself!

Calm down!

Calm down!

Something's not right, they're taking too long.

-He won't. -Get ready to fire!

Ma'am, as a woman

think from their perspective.

If I fire

and kill myself,

what will happen to them?

That's your business, not ours!

We can't let them go.

-Why not? We'll catch them later. -That's right!

What will happen if your husband is dead?

That's right!

I admire this man.

All right, I'm taking over!

Let them go!

-Let them go... -Thank you...

Fire!

Hey!

You shoot my darling.

Get over here and help!

Help!

Don't shoot! They have surrendered.

Don't move!

Cuff them!

Darling!

Are you all right?

Are you hurt, Mr. Chow?

I'm fine, just a flesh wound.

-Thank you. -Thanks.

-Let's go, guys! -You scratched your face...

I was so worried, it was so dangerous.

Look at him.

Before someone else gets involved,

let's settle this.

Settle what?

I want to be with you.

-I said I want to be with you. -Can we go, ma'am?

You may go.

I'll have a drink with Inspector Cheng.

Dessert is more like it.

You said you're leaving for the US.

You said you're leaving too.

Forget it. Let's all be honest.

If I met you earlier or loved you more,

none of this would have happened.

No matter who I choose

the other one will be upset.

Let's start all over.

Pretend we don't know each other.

If I met Joey first,

it's unfair to you.

What would you do?

Fat, don't look back.

I can't bear it.

Darling!

Come, get in!

What about you? Not getting in?

Hey.

What is this?

Starting over is just as troublesome.

That's right. If I get in, there's still no solution.

Both of you can bear with me now.

But when you can't, I'll have nothing.

You women should know.

I thought of the best way out.

But the ladies may not like it.

Joey!

Sally!

Go inside, as simple as that!

I am a big man

You're getting fat! Lay off the pizza.

I'm a polygamist now.

I could have four wives,

but I have a heart.

I won't do anything to hurt them.

Are we friends?

Chi Hung.

Chi Hung.

How are you?

My lord.

My servant.

-Hi. -Hello.

How nice of you to visit me.

No. One, two, three and four.

You deserve it.

I'm smarter than you. There are four of them.

You're only allowed four.

I need to join another religion.