Original subtitles

- [birds chirping] - [traffic]

- [phone alarm rings]

- [Edmund switches alarm off]

- ♪

- It's like I'm living with present-day Randy Quaid.

- [squish] - Oh!

What is my life?

Ow! My toe--fuck!

- Brian Dennehy could get it!

- What? - What?

Edmund, why are you so goddamn noisy?

- I'm so sorry to wake you from your slumber,

but I can't leave your room without catching Hep C!

- NORA: [giggles] Good one.

- No, Nora. Your room is foul.

And if you don't clean your room today,

I'm throwing all of your shit outside

and advertising it on a pole.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're living under my "ruff."

- Your what? - My "ruff."

- Why are you saying "roof" like that?

Also, I am aware that you, and Uncle Wally,

and Grandma are housing me at the moment.

But you can't make me feel bad about it because you don't know

what it's like to be a struggling actor.

- Okay, well, just because I'm not an actor doesn't mean that

I'm not struggling.

The whole city's struggling, Edmund!

- Yeah, okay, I get that.

I'm sorry, I think I'm still adjusting to being canceled.

And your personal hygiene and your overall way of being,

it's honestly sad.

- Messiness is a sign of intelligence.

And in the 2000's,

girls can be both messy and intelligent as well.

- Is that a chicken nugget?

- I think I can eat it from here.

- Don't.[gags] Augh! No!

- ♪

♪♪

- [oldies play on radio]

- Hey, hey, hey! You love my French toast.

Why are you scarfing down all that sausage?

- Ma, I told you, no carbs, all protein.

I'm trying to get bigger.

- So you can show off at your little reunion?

- Ma, it's not a whole reunion. It's just me and my buddies

from my old college Asian Association.

They are very successful and very together right now.

- Oh, I remember those guys. They were huge dorks.

Didn't one guy dress up

like Charlie Chaplin for a whole year?

- We were all dorks back then.

- What kind of Chinese mother names her son Jacque, anyway?

"Hello, I'm Jacque. I'm a silly French person."

- You know, I can't come up with a big career or fancy threads.

But I can be in at least as good a shape as those two.

And if I can hold my own, then it could be a lot of fun

reliving the old days and all the good times we had together.

I was thick as thieves with those two.

- Thick as dorks.

- ♪

- ♪

- Hello. Do you know where I am supposed to be?

- Sorry, what? - I was wondering if

I might know where my pop-up trailer is?

- Are you River Corpse #2?

- No.

- What's your name? - Ed Lin.

- You're a shadow actor? - That's right.

- [laughs] Yeah, good one, bro.

Your folding stool should be somewhere over there.

- Is that good?

- [Ed's stomach rumbles] - Ooh. Do you guys, um--

Do you guys know where the bathroom is?

Oh, okay. Oh.

- APP VOICE: You have arrived.

- I have arrived with the sandwiches.

All right.

- [rap music plays on radio]

- [horn honks]

- CAR ALARM: Stand back from Car-rie Underwood.

Car-rie Underwood disarmed.

- ♪

- NORA: Ah! The Casualty Network.

Whoa! That's so cool.

Oh wow, a real TV set. This is awesome.

- We gotta move. I'm ready to shoot.

What's the hold-up?

- We're waiting on the shadow re-enactor to get off the john.

- Hello? Hello?

Has anyone ordered Jersey Mike's?

Jersey Mike's, a footlong?

Ow! Oh, fuck, cracked my back.

- Wait a second. She'll work.

Let's shoot it. - Great.

Let's go for one, guys. - [bell rings]

- Hey, you're an actor now. - What?

- Just do what you're doing. - Do what I'm doing?

- Yeah, fuck the other guy. Let's roll on her.

- Fuck the other guy! Quiet on set! Everybody quiet!

- ROMAN: And action!

- Like this?

- Nora?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- [Ed's stomach rumbles] - [fart, shit squirts]

- Oh, I have cauldron ass.

- Hey, kids. How was your day at work?

- It was fine.

- It was good.

- Okay.

Okay, what happened?

- It's a long story, but basically I--

- Basically, Nora miraculously showed up

at my job and was cast on the spot

as Strangle Victim #1.

- I mean, I kind of auditioned for it.

- Yeah, well, I had to go to three different callbacks!

- Three different callbacks? So many.

- Whatever. It's--it's fine.

- It was a weird situation.

But if it upsets you this much, I don't have to do it at all.

- It's fine. I'm fine. - You sure?

- It's fine. I'm fine. - Okay.

- Now, I'm going to take this block

of CTown cholesterol

and masturbate to my Wisconsin ex-boyfriend-uh!

- Uh.

- ♪

- [loud buzz]

- Wally!

- [both laughing]

- Walrus!

Oh, good to see you, man!

- Walrus? Oh man,

I haven't heard that nickname in years.

- That night in college, you got drunk and you sucked straws

in your mouth and barked?

- BOTH: [barking]

- [laughter]

- Hey, you gotta do that later, Walrus.

- Oh, well, we'll see, we'll see.

- Come on in, come on in. Check out the rest of the abode.

- [others exclaim] - Wayne is in the house!

- Wow.

- I decked it out with top-of-the-line electronics.

- Wayne, this is nice.

- ALL: Whoa!

- Still hot. Am I right?

- Tia Carrere, the 10 of all 10's, man!

[laughs] - Check this.

- ["Show me love" by Robin S. plays]

- Oh, wow!

- Surround sound, baby! Isn't it dope?

- Yeah! Dope!

- Porn sounds sick on it!

- Yeah, I bet!

- Hey, all right, all right, enough showing off, Wayne.

Come on.

- Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Uh, let's go drink and catch up, huh?

- Yeah, sure! - Whiskey sours, huh?

- ALL: Whiskey sours!

- Whoa, you look good, man.

- Yeah, dude, you are jacked!

- No, no.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm just, you know,

trying to stay healthy and fit and all that.

You look pretty jacked too.

- Aw, come on. - [laughs]

- No, man, I need a better divorce bod.

- Wait, what?

What happened with you and Wendy?

- A long story, bro.

But one with a very happy ending.

- Oh yeah? - I'm free as fuck!

- [laughter]

- Me too!

- No, wait! What, you and Patricia?

Oh, man, I'm sorry, you guys.

- Yeah, divorce is the worst.

- Yeah. - But you know what?

It's really the best thing that ever happened to me.

- Oh yeah?

- I got two motorcycles now, now that Patricia's out of my life.

I mean, if I wanna become a paraplegic, that's my decision.

Mine!

- [laughter]

- You know, Wendy would never let me wear hats or cheat.

Now I can do both!

- [laughter]

- Here's to being single, ready to mingle,

and make your thing-thing tingle.

- That's kind of gross, but hell yeah!

Hey, you, uh--you holding out on us, Walrus?

- Oh, no, no.

I started going out with somebody, for, like, six months.

Brenda.

- Brenda. Ooh, that's a sexy-ass name, dog.

- Six months.

That's, like, 100 months in middle-aged man years.

- [laughter]

- Hey, who else do you got on the roster?

- On the roster?

- You know, who else do you got on rotation?

You always have to have more than three sides.

- Mm, love me some sides. - Sides?

You mean like women? - BOTH: Yes!

- Oh! Oh.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

I'm pretty good with just the one. Yeah.

But she's, like, really, really pretty.

- They all are.

- [chuckles] - At first!

- [laughter]

- Boy, you know what, tonight?

We're all single, okay?

Just like back in the day!

- [shouting]

- ♪

♪ Pump up the jam

♪ Pump it up

♪ While your feet are stomping ♪

♪ And the jam is pumping

♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin' ♪

- I'm having a reaction or face gout.

- [cheering]

- Remember that movie?

- [laughter]

- ♪ Make my day

♪ Make my day, make my--

♪ Make my, make, make my day

♪ Make my day

- [cough]

- [laughter]

- WAYNE: The same Wally!

- ♪ Yo! Pump up the jam

♪ Pump it up, pump it up

♪ Yo, pump it, pump up the jam ♪

♪ Pump it up, pump it up

♪ Yo, pump it

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up

♪ Pump it up, yo, pump it

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it

♪ Pump it, pump it, pump it

♪

- [indistinct chatter]

- ♪

- [clicking]

- Hey, Edmund, what's wrong?

- EDMUND: Nothing. I just feel like I suck at this.

- Everyone was laughing on that last one.

- EDMUND: Yeah, at me!

- It was vulnerable and charismatic.

- I don't know that an ill-timed fart can be charismatic, but...

I know this is what I want to do, that I feel alive doing it.

I just...wonder if it's worth it, you know?

- Do you love it?

- Yeah. I do.

- Ah, there you are.

- Oh, what up, Pizza Top?

- Yeah, you watch it there, Goose.

- Lay some eggs. [laughs]

- NICK: Good news, kid.

We start filming the new season next week

and the director wants you to play the Nevada Knuckler.

- Me? - Yeah, good job.

- Really?

- NICK: The director's gonna be psyched.

- Fucking kidding me.

- Oh my--

- ♪

- JACQUE: Ace, king, queen,

jack of hearts, my friends.

- Whoa! - That's cool!

Hey, how did you learn how to do that?

- Oh, I've been listening to this Penn Gillette podcast.

Crazy stuff.

Now that I'm single, I have so much free time.

- So, um, was it hard for you guys to start over?

- At first.

But now I freaking love being alone.

- Yeah, it's the best.

I've never been happier and not horny at all.

I have actual shit-tons of meaningless sex, like shitloads.

- Hey, what about you, Walrus? Where are you living these days?

- I'm still living in Queens.

- Oh yeah, Queens. Hey, Queens is nice.

It's way cool.

You know, I--I looked at a building there, LIC,

where all the Mets live. Gorgeous views!

- I'm still living in the same house I grew up in.

- You live alone, I hope? - Mm-mm.

I live with my mom and my daughter.

- Oh, Nora! Sweet Nora. What a cute kid.

- Yeah, she's almost 30 now.

- Whoa! Nice!

- Some real Mother Teresa shit right there.

- Good Asian son of the month kind of thing, am I right?

- Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

- What are you gonna do when, you know,

things get serious with Brenda?

- Mm. - What do you mean?

- You can't have your girlfriend move into your childhood home.

- Oh, yeah, right. - With your mom and old kid.

- I guess I never really thought that far ahead.

- WAYNE: Well, you know what?

You're definitely gonna need to get your own pad real soon.

- You think so?

- Hey, but don't worry 'cuz, uh, I've got a great broker.

- [door buzzer]

- Oh! - Oh!

- I think the main event has arrived.

- The main event? What's that?

- We got a stripper.

- [laughs] You got a what?

- Don't you worry, Walrus, she is top of the line!

- Guys, guys, guys, really, a stripper?

Are you sure?

- Walrus, what happens in this loft--

- BOTH: --stays in this loft!

- No, no, no...

- Hey, here she is! Welcome Mindy, folks!

- [hoarsely] It's Brandi. - Hey, Brandi!

- Who called for the party?

- Yeah. - Hey, sweetie.

- [chuckles]

- Where's the vodka?

- Are you okay? Do you need a lozenge?

- I just have strep throat, is all.

Okay if I smoke in here?

Don't worry, they won't stink up the joint.

They're menthols.

- You guys, this isn't cool.

You know, we're too old for this.

In fact, I think she's too old for this.

- Hey, strippers, they're feminists.

- Huh?

- When did you become such a prude?

- I am not a prude.

- Okay, prove it. - Huh?

- Who's up for some Twister?

- I love Twister. Helen Hunt was so good in that.

You remember that sitcom "Wings"?

- I love "Wings"!

- ♪

- [knock on door]

- Hi, Edmund.

Listen, can we talk?

- So you're gonna be the Nevada Knuckler.

- No, I'm not.

- What? What happened?

- I quit. - Why?

- Because I don't love it like you love it.

I don't know if I'll ever love a job like you love acting.

I'm--I'm still searching for what that thing is.

And--and I just want you to know

that I love you more than shadow acting.

- Thanks, Nora.

"The human being who acts is the human being who lives."

- [whispers] Are you stoned?

- Yeah, I smoked a ton of your weed.

Oh, I've been up here for hours. I can't move.

- Whoa, this is kind of like a "Misery" situation.

I'll come up and join ya. - No, I 'm heady right now!

- ♪

- Oh, I don't know how much longer I can hold this position.

- BRANDI: I can do Child's Pose for, like, seven hours.

Oh, oof! - What happened?

- Cramp! [groans] It's my stripping leg.

Aah! Ah, ah, ah!

[grunts]

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, oh my god.

Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it.

That's it, that's it.

That's it.

- Okay, game over.

- Hey, Wally, where are you going?

The bathroom's that way. - Yeah, I think I better go.

- Hey, dude, you can't just leave.

- Yeah, I gotta go.

You guys, you got a whole new lease on life.

And we all do.

But I don't wanna fuck mine up.

I don't wanna be single and sad and desperate.

I just wanna get serious with Brenda.

I don't wanna waste any more time.

I've wasted too much time already.

I'm gonna ask Brenda if she wants to live together.

- Wally, good for you.

- Yeah. That is good.

- Brandi, it was "Mad About You," not "Wings."

- Oh, shit!

- [suspenseful music]

- Cut! Cut! Cut.

What are you doing?

- I'm dismembering him.

- I don't know, something's off.

Let's lose the knife and try a gun.

- Bring in the gun.

Okay, reset. And action.

- [suspenseful music]

- ROMAN: No, no, no, no. Cut!

This scene is garbage. Sorry, Ed.

It's not you, but it is you, because you're a part of it.

But it's just not working. Let's go.

- Okay, let's take five.

- [bell rings]

- Psst. Hey, kid?

I know this all sucks.

I hate it here. It's a fucking shithole.

Truth is, unless you're working full time for "Law and Order,"

New York sucks for film and TV.

If I didn't share custody with my ex of my dumbass kid,

I wouldn't live here.

You gotta go to where the jobs flow like a river after a storm,

where everybody's happy, and the weather never changes.

Where the blow is as pure as the fresh Colorado snow.

You feel me?

- Where is this glorious place?

Is it heaven?

It sounds like heaven.

- [angelic choir]

- Nora! Nora! Nora! - What!

- You know how we always say that New York isn't all that?

- We don't always say that.

- Yeah, well, okay, if I'm gonna be acting,

I need to go where the jobs flow like a river after a storm.

Where everyone is happy, and the weather never changes,

and the blow is as pure as the fresh Colorado snow!

Do you feel me?

- Reno, Nevada, baby! - No, not Reno, Nevada.

No, it's the next best thing.

LA. Los Angeles. Hollywood.

It's been in front of me this whole time!

- Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. LA.

Uh, if you can make it in that city, you can make it anywhere.

That's in New York.

Well, you can get--make a brand-new start of it.

- No, no, no, no! I've made up my mind.

LA, here I come.

- ♪

- Can't believe this is my last day in New York

before I go to Los "Anheles."

- Hey, Edmund, make sure you go to Barney's Beanery.

I hear that Jackson Browne used to hang out there.

- I'll miss you, Edmund.

- I'll miss you too, Grandma. And yes, Uncle Wally.

Oh, I'm so excited!

The one thing I'm a little worried about is being on

that bus for so long.

I'm very prone to bus sickness.

- Not to mention all the drifters

you're likely to encounter.

Most of them are serial killers.

- Really?

- WALLY: Come on, Ma, he'll be fine.

As long as you don't fall asleep.

- Oh, shit.

I needed to think this through more. [sobs]

- Wait. I have an idea.

- ED AND GRANDMA: You do? - You do?

- What if instead of the bus, I drove you?

- Yes! Oh my god, yes! And we can take turns driving

and putting our hand out the window and doing the arm worm.

- No, I only drive my car. You don't--you can't.

You can do the arm worm, though.

- Deal! - Really?

- Los Angeles, here we come!

- Yes! Yes!

- [cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

- ♪

♪♪

- Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

- ♪

- ♪ MTV

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