Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

(theme music playing)

(bell ringing)

(siren blaring)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

(honking horn)

D-oh! (screams)

(all scream)

(whirring)

Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of Weird was here?

(chuckles)

I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.

-Dad, it's not-- -"Gigabytes."

(laughing) They've done it again.

"Gigabytes." Wait, this isn't Weird.

Why, there's no magazine called Weird, is there?

This is Wired. It's about computers and technology.

Hey, look. There's a cybercafe opening right here in Springfield.

Will you take me, Dad? Please?

I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.

The internet? Is that thing still around?

I know a web site that shows monkeys doin' it.

Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network.

-It's a-- -(horn honks)

Come on, Lisa. Monkeys.

(groans)

Ach. Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera.

(beeps, whirs)

Ew. This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping.

Eh? Aah! That's Willie!

My name is Mary.

I'm 45, heavy, and willing to settle for less.

Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.

Wow, Dad. You're surfin' like a pro.

Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands.

I invested in something called News Corp--

-Dad! That's Fox! -(screams)

Undo! Undo! (groans)

Dad, do we have any money left?

Well, let's check the old bank account.

See? Even after my cyber squandering,

we've still got $1,200.

-All right, dorks, this is a holdup. -(gasping, murmuring)

Oh, yes! Download to papa.

(beeping)

Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

(groans)

MARGE: We were robbed?

You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person.

We were saving that money for our family vacation.

Now we're gonna have to start all over again.

(groans)

Aw, don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll get us the money,

even if I have to get a second job.

Evenin', neighbor. Low on funds again?

Yes, sir.

Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us

every time you got a bill to pay.

I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle

while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.

Oh, we're... we're not as well off as you think.

We give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets,

and the Leftorium's business has gone way downhill

since Leftopolis moved in next door.

If you're not rich, then how come you have a new refrigerator,

an electric can opener, a milk shake machine?

(chuckling) We picked those up cheap.

They were evidence at a murder trial.

Sweet.

We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar.

Go on.

He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle

on a Mac Davis income.

We've already got tickets for his next seminar.

I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.

Maybe you're right, Ned.

Maybe you're right.

Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life,

family vacations, jet packs, solid gold dancers?

There's only three left in the world.

Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you

the 12 savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you.

Then I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway,

including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know.

(cheering)

Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing.

Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue.

(chuckles) Uh-oh! I'm late for the short line railroad.

(tires squeal)

Let's start with mega secret number one:

"ya gotta squeeze every penny."

You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it.

(murmuring)

That fancy yacht?

A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.

(murmuring)

And those beautiful women?

They used to be men.

(groaning)

The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny.

Come on, let me hear you.

TOGETHER: Squeeze every penny.

Squeeze every penny.

I'm squeezing. I'm squeezing it.

Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.

Oh, Homer, not again.

Ew. We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99 cent store?

Well, maybe for your wedding.

BART: How about here?

Not if we want that vacation.

Look, Mom. They have your dress.

(groans)

Thirty-three cents?

I paid almost double that.

Blue?

Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents.

According to the Mexican Council of Food,

this expired two years ago.

Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.

(chomping, groaning)

This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.

But it's so cheap.

Well, let's see what's in the old vacation fund.

Homer, you could have just unscrewed the bottom.

A little late for "could-haves," Marge.

I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.

There is for a mega-savings vacation.

Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap

if you don't care where you go.

That's right. Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows.

Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price.

Are you going through our garbage?

That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton.

Now it's mine.

Hawaii, here we come.

No. No. We're going to Paris. I can feel it.

Come on, Transylvania.

(Jamaican accent) No, mon, let's go home to Jamaica.

I and I been in Babylon too long.

WOMAN (on PA): Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo

is ready for departure

and has four available mega-saver seats.

-BART AND LISA: Yeah! -Come on, Homer. Japan.

No, not Japan, Jamaica.

I want to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.

Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway.

Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh?

-(groans) -Come on!

Whoo!

(horn honking)

Sayonara, suckers.

(snarls)

Yay! The Simpsons are going to Japan.

(gong sounds)

Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

Come on, Homer. Japan will be fun.

You liked Rashomon.

That's not how I remember it.

Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people,

we could have gone to the zoo.

-Homer! -What?

The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese.

His name is Takashi.

He's in my book club.

Look, Mom. The safety instructions are written in Haiku.

"Fasten seat belts tight.

Your seat cushions float gently.

Headsets, five dollars."

(beeping)

Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.

You're the waitress.

ATTENDANT: Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.

Yeah, isn't it amazing?

They're filming one right now in the bathroom.

Gonna be on towards the end of the flight.

Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000!

Marge, they stole my idea.

MAN (on PA): Welcome to Japan, folks.

The local time is... tomorrow.

HOMER: Here's our room.

Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.

I don't have time for that.

(grunts)

MALE VOICE: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

(beeps, bells chiming)

(gasps) They're years ahead of us.

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

Oh, yeah!

(Marge, Bart, Lisa screaming)

(gasps) It's breathtaking.

Look. There's the Imperial Gardens.

The Meiji Shrine.

The Hello Kitty factory.

(cats yowling)

Who's up for some exploring?

Hey, I'm still checking out Japanese TV.

Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures?

(beeping)

(grunting, groaning)

-Bart, what are you doing? -(grunting, groaning)

Hey, what the... (grunting, groaning)

Hmm. All right.

(grunting, groaning)

Robots be right back.

-(cow mooing) -Whoo!

-All that seizing made me hungry. -Me too.

Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house.

The toilet recommended a place called Americatown.

Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown.

I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich.

I bet it's smaller and more efficient.

MAN (on TV): We now return to battling seizure robots.

-(beeping) -(all groaning)

(mechanical clicking)

I can't believe they stuck us at "Tax-A-Chusetts."

Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.

-And? -Let's just say

the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Howdy, gangstas.

I am average American Joe salary-man waiter.

These prices suck. 10,000 yen for coleslaw?

Don't you serve anything that's even remotely Japanese?

Don't ask me. I don't know anything.

I am product of American education system.

I also build poor-quality cars and inferior-style electronics.

(laughs)

Oh, they got our number.

One square watermelon, please.

Oh, my goodness. Homer, those are $150.

It's worth every cent.

I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit.

D'oh!

Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

But you promised me we'd do something Japanese.

Oh, of course you're right.

You know, I read about a Shinto teahouse

where they practice the traditional...

Run, Bart!

Hey, look, isn't that Woody Allen?

Hmm. Looks like he's doing a commercial.

Oh! (clears throat) Hello.

(clears throat) So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal,

but only Fujikawa Rice Crackers make your interiors go bananas.

What did I do to deserve this?

Oh, right.

Mmm. Fifty-dollar pretzels.

Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'?

Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.

Hmm.

Spare some salt, tubby?

Tubby?

(speaking in Japanese)

-Yoink. -Hey, that's mine!

(yells) Hey.

-(grunts) -(crowd groans)

Like we say in my county, "hasta la vista, baby."

Congratulations.

I am the emperor.

Yeah? And I'm "Clobbersaurus."

(screaming)

-(gasping, sighing) -(crowd exclaiming)

All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus.

(booing)

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san.

Thank god. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

(chomping)

Now can we do something Japanese?

Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff.

In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play

about the 47 Ronin

and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori.

Then we had to do two hours of origami

followed by flower arranging and meditation.

(speaking in Japanese)

Honey, I know you want to see Japan,

but we're down to our last million yen.

Don't worry, ichiban.

I'll show you something Japanese.

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

It's a crane.

The Japanese believe they bring good luck.

Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home.

(Marge gasps) No!

(speaking in Japanese)

MAN: Now, Mr. Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry.

The United States will not stand idly by

while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.

(grunts, groans)

But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?

Beats me.

Try getting a job and earning some money.

That's what I did.

By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

(groaning)

Every truckload of fish we gut

brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.

And I think I finally found what I was put on this Earth to do.

Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi--

-(screams) -Knife goes in, guts come out.

Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song.

♪ Knife goes in, guts come out ♪

♪ That's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about ♪

(groans)

Well, this sucks. What else is on?

-(bell ringing) -(cheering)

(laughs) Thank you.

You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family

tries to win their dreams on

Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.

Family Wish Show. Hmm.

That gives me an idea.

I think we all had that idea.

I didn't. What is it? Lunch?

(audience cheering, applauding)

Thank you, thank you.

And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.

You honor us.

Don't patronize me.

Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish?

Well, I haven't talked it over with the family,

but I think we'd all like a free dinner at Americatown.

No, no, no. We want plane tickets home to Springfield.

(cheering, whistling)

Now, our game shows are a little different from yours.

Your shows reward knowledge.

We punish ignorance.

Ignor-what? (screams)

(laughing)

Okay, let's begin. Our categories are:

"Ow. That Hurts."

"Why Are You Doing This to Me?"

and "Please Let Me Die."

BART: Oh, yeah, number one. Definitely.

MARGE: I don't know...

HOMER: "Ow. That hurts."

We'll go with "Ow. That hurts," Skip.

My name is Wink.

Yeesh!

(laughing, chattering)

All right, Simpsons, whack the pinata.

-(groaning) -Come on!

Whack that pig open. Once more.

Harder. Whack it open.

-(laughing) -HOST: Good.

All right.

You may remove your blindfolds.

(groaning)

Oh, sorry, Dad. We didn't know.

I had an inkling.

Could someone please whack my hernia back in?

Sure thing, Dad.

Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down

as soon as you answer one question about Japan.

Is the answer "Japan"?

Actually, it is.

(speaking in Japanese)

That means you move on to the lightning round.

Oh!

(thunder rumbling)

(screams)

He seems okay,

but he is being burned internally.

(applauding, whistling)

(screaming)

Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab?

D'oh. Whoo-hoo.

Uh... that boy ain't right.

HOST: Congratulations, Simpsons.

The airline tickets are yours.

All you have to do is to pick them up...

from inside that volcano.

Why are you so cruel?

(laughing)

(all grunting)

This vacation really blows.

Well, at least we're past the lightning round.

(screams) Hmm. I see.

I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.

(screams)

Mmm. I don't think that bridge can support much weight.

Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than-- Oh, I'll just go.

(whimpering)

(chanting) Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet!

-Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! -Easy, easy...

Yes! Got 'em.

TOGETHER: USA! USA!

-US-- -(buzzes)

(screams, grunts)

(gasps) Lisa!

-(screams) -(grunts)

MARGE: Oh!

Marge! Your shoe!

MARGE AND LISA: Aah! Aah! Aah!

The plane tickets! (grunting)

-MARGE: Oh! -LISA: Ow!

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end.

Well, at least we'll die doing what we love...

inhaling molten rock.

(all screaming)

(cheering)

(screams) It burns! It burns!

Don't worry, that "lava" is just orangeade

made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.

It burns! It burns!

It's loaded with wasabi.

Kudos, Simpsons. You have won your freedom.

(audience cheering)

Before I go, I want to say something.

Game shows aren't about cruelty.

They're about greed and wonderful prizes,

like poorly built catamarans.

But somewhere along the line, you lost your way.

For shame.

(groaning)

Coming up next, a Canadian couple

who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions.

(applause and whistling)

Oh, that stings, eh.

-(screams) -Ooh, god! Ow! Ooh!

-(screaming) -Sting those Canucks.

(laughs) I love this show.

Take that, you stupid hosers.

(groans)

BART: Good-bye, Japan.

I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken

and your sparkling, whale-free seas.

-Hey, what's goin' on? -What's happening?

(beeping)

MAN (on PA): Folks, we're experiencing

some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time,

-so I'm gonna go ahead and ask you... -(screeches)

...to put your seat belts back on.

When we get to 35,000 feet, he usually does let go.

So from there on out, all we have to do

-is worry about Mothra... -(yawning)

...and we do have reports he's tied up

with Gamera and Rodan at the present time.

Thank you very much.

(roaring, screeching)

(Godzilla screeches)

HOMER (screams): Undo! Undo!

(groans)

Captioned by Visual Data Media Services