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(theme music playing)
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CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
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(bell ringing)
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(whistle blows)
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(playing the blues)
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(tires screeching)
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(tires screeching)
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(honking horn)
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(tires screeching)
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D'oh! (screams)
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(elephant trumpeting)
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ANNOUNCER: And welcome back now
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to Cash In Your Legacy .
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This week we're appraisingantiques in Springfield.
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{\an8}This gentlemen's beer tap
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{\an8}dates back to the turn of the century,
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{\an8}and remarkably seemsto never have been washed.
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{\an8}Yeah, yeah,I've been meaning to wash that,
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{\an8}but, huh, it's been such a century.
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{\an8}At auction, I'd expect thisto bring $20,000 to $30,000,
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{\an8}except that on the handle,somebody's carved "Homer rocks."
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{\an8}And I do! Whoo!
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{\an8}Appraised value, $15.
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{\an8}I-I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!
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(grunts) Aw, geez.
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{\an8}I don't know how you can all
just lay around the house
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{\an8}on a nice day like this.
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{\an8}When was the last time we went for a good,
old-fashioned family walk?
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{\an8}Oh, we stopped those when the kids said
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{\an8}I was too fat to carry.
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{\an8}Oh, come on, let's go for a walk.
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{\an8}This family's getting so lazy.
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{\an8}I'm not lazy.
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{\an8}I'm just, um, uh...
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{\an8}Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
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{\an8}Why don't you finish your own darn...
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{\an8}-(snoring)
-(thud)
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{\an8}Fine! If we're not going for a walk,
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{\an8}we'll just talk about our day.
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{\an8}I wrote another poem about a duck.
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{\an8}Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt!
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{\an8}All this fresh air is making my hair move,
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{\an8}and I don't know
how much longer I can complain.
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{\an8}(tires screeching)
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{\an8}Get a horse!
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{\an8}Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?
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{\an8}We're walking, Homer.
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{\an8}(groans) There's some dogs.
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{\an8}We could all ride dogs.
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Forget it! Nobody's riding any.
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Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
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-(dog whimpers)
-(thud)
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{\an8}Oh, look! There's the store
where I buy my yarn.
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But you don't want to buy
your buttons there.
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Phew! Well, I dodged a bullet.
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Now, there's the place
you want to buy your buttons.
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And that's where the bookmobile lady
used to live.
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{\an8}If you love me, you'll kill me.
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Hey, Mom. Look.
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MARGE: Oh! looks like
something exciting's happening.
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Well, we'll have to read
about it in tomorrow's paper.
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{\an8}Why can't we see it now?
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Well, it's not really
on our walking route.
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(grunts)
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Where'd you get that champagne?
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Clown.
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Thanks, noodles.
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All this commotion just for a store?
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Hey, it's not just a store.
It's a megastore.
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"Mega" means "good"
and "store" means "thing."
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(gasping)
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Wow, what a high-tech wonderland.
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Oops, got an itch.
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-Itch.
-Ew!
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Whoa, this place has everything.
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Even a shoplifting department.
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{\an8}What convenience.
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{\an8}I'm doing all my thieving here.
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This is so much nicer
than the Kwik-E-Mart.
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-Oh?
-(baby cooing)
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I'm sorry, but... it really is.
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Yes, I know, but still.
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(baby cooing)
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{\an8}Hey, Dad. Give me 50 bucks.
I gotta buy some things.
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{\an8}-Uh, better make it 100.
-Yeah, me, too.
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Homer, don't you think
you're spoiling... (chuckles)
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(blowing raspberry) New music?
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Man, all these bands are
just ripping off Judas Priest.
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("Living After Midnight"
playing on headphones)
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Oh, I hear this really sucks.
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Hmm, "director's commentary."
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I'm sorry. I am really sorry.
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Ach, uh, I don't know what I was thinking.
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But, uh, Field of Dreams
was good, wasn't it?
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Made us all believe again.
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Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.
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Aw, thanks. You're sweet to say that.
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Uh... where are you?
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I'm back here.
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Hi, will you bring me
a sandwich... please?
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No-no crust.
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(all screaming, crying)
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Cool!
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-(tires screeching)
-(horn honking)
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-Step lively, Smithers.
-(horn honking)
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That orphanage won't demolish itself.
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-(horn honking)
-Sir, although...
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I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking,
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it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.
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Deploy the cow-catcher.
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-(grunting, moaning)
-(thud)
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(tires screeching)
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Whoosh! Once again, my underwear
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has become tangled in a cow-catcher.
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Ooh, d'oh, tarnation!
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I've got to see
what the excitement's about.
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Make way!
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Doctor coming through.
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(groaning)
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-Excuse me.
-(shrieks)
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-I'm sorry.
-(shrieks)
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Pardon me, good sir.
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Well, hi-diddly-- (screams)
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That's a good lad.
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(groaning)
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Books and cocoa in the same store?
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What's next, a talking banana?
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-Huh?
-Uh, I don't see one, sir.
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No, of course not.
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The very notion
of a talking banana is absurd.
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Still...
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(fanfare playing)
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(crowd exclaiming)
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Attention, good shoppers of Springfield.
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Someone very special
has just entered the store.
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The world's most popular billionaire--
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Oh, please. All this fuss
for little old me.
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Please welcome the owner
of Fortune Megastores,
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00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:03,881
Arthur Fortune.
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00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,007
What?
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00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,472
Hello, Springfield!
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Hello, Arthur!
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You know, I've done a lot
of exciting things in my life.
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I went down Mount Everest
on a boogie board...
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00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,565
Oh! Ooh!
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00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:21,941
Climbed Niagara Falls...
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00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:23,526
Oh! Wow!
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00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:27,238
And just last month,
I knocked out Muhammad Ali.
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00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,364
(doorbell ringing)
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(blow landing)
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How awful.
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00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,453
But this is the biggest thrill ever,
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the opening of my 112th store.
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(cheering)
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00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,751
Now, I'm afraid, I've got some bad news
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00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,086
from my accountant today.
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00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:45,298
It seems I have too much money.
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Who wants a dollar?
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00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,010
I do! I do!
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I do!
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Hah, right! What's your name, young man?
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I don't know. Just give me the dollar.
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00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,102
Well, I hope this starts you
on your way to a great fortune.
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00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,896
Now, who wants the second dollar?
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00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,356
-I do.
-Uh, well, all right. Here.
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00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,483
-Now.
-I do.
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00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,775
Oh, the heck with it.
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00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,778
Dollars for everyone.
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00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,407
(cheering, clamoring)
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00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,702
Fortune! Fortune! Fortune...
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00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,537
That man's totally insane.
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00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,957
Uh, well, this goes
right into the old poor box.
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00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,584
Not so fast, old chum.
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(screaming)
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00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:24,670
(thud)
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♪ We love Arthur Fortune ♪
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♪ He gave us a dollar, whoo ♪
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00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:29,717
♪ We love Arthur Fortune... ♪
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00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,677
Uh, that flamboyant fop!
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00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,137
He's got them eating out of his hand.
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00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,931
You have to admit, he is charismatic, sir.
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00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,475
Oh, bosh! Anyone can lead a conga line.
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00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:38,851
Hop to it, Smithers.
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00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,728
♪ Conga, conga, conga ♪
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♪ We love Monty Burns more ♪
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♪ Conga like you mean it ♪
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♪ Please don't make me Shock you ♪
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Springfield is still swooningfrom the whirlwind visit
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00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,449
of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.
190
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,952
Uh, the man has no idea
191
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:57,662
how to behave like a billionaire.
192
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:58,871
Where's the dignity?
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00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,207
Where's the contempt for the common man?
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00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,960
This new breed of fun-loving billionaire
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00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,253
is a welcome change
196
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,630
from the classic, joyless miser
197
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,757
brooding in his cavernous mansion...
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00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:13,052
-BURNS: Bah!
-(bah echoing)
199
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,179
...grasping a glass of brandy
200
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,515
with his thin, claw-like fingers,
201
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:21,602
and the superior smirkon his greedy, soulless face.
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00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:22,979
(sighs)
203
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,981
{\an8}I thought I had everything.
204
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,985
{\an8}Money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth.
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00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,112
(sighs)
206
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,406
But what's it all worth
when nobody likes you?
207
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,116
I like you, sir.
208
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,450
Are you still here?
209
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:40,913
HOMER: Easy.
210
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,624
Easy.
211
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,168
(exclaims excitedly)
212
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,504
Whoo-hoo! Look at me, I can juggle.
213
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,172
-Mmm, Simpson!
-(grunts)
214
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,299
(explosion)
215
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,550
I need your help.
216
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,719
I want to be loved.
217
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,220
I see.
218
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,931
Well, I'll need some beer.
219
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,683
I want you to look at me
220
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,436
the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.
221
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,648
Oh, Arthur Fortune. (wistful sigh)
222
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,026
Yes. That's the look I'm looking for.
223
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:13,821
What would make you and your slovenly kind
look at me that way?
224
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,656
Well, you don't have to
call me "slovenly."
225
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:16,699
Yes, exactly.
226
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,743
That's the kind of pointer I need.
227
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,161
Tell me more, fatty.
228
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:23,664
-Hmm.
-Though, this is a great idea, Simpson.
229
00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,082
Free silver dollars!
230
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,002
Compliments of C. Montgomery Burns!
231
00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:33,382
-(coins clinking)
-(screaming)
232
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:37,136
(yells) Take it out! Take it out!
233
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,222
No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back!
234
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,475
That was a close one.
235
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,185
Want to go bowling?
236
00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,896
Maybe you should see a doctor
about that coin in your brain.
237
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,814
Maybe you should mind your own business.
238
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,940
Afternoon, miss.
239
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,067
(horrified gasp)
240
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:54,737
I can't believe it.
241
00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:58,282
{\an8}I'm still not among the hundred
most popular billionaires.
242
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,160
{\an8}I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake.
243
00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:03,496
Well, how about donating money to charity?
244
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,623
Lots of crazy old coots do that.
245
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,292
A charitable donation, eh?
246
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,628
Well, there's a first time for everything.
247
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,255
Um, there.
248
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,424
Take this check for $200,000
249
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,718
to the Springfield Hospital.
250
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:18,844
Can do.
251
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,517
(grunts)
252
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,686
Now there's nothing to do
253
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,729
but sit back and wait
254
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,606
for the kudos to roll in.
255
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,780
(crickets chirping)
256
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:41,701
(coughing, gagging)
257
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,871
Where are my kudos?
258
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,289
Mm, no.
259
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,332
We don't have any record
260
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,543
of you giving the hospital
any money, Mr. Burns.
261
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,752
(gasps) Oh, but we did get
262
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,045
a very generous donation
263
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,172
from a Mr. Homer Simpson.
264
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,298
What?
265
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:01,470
{\an8}(grunting)
266
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,764
{\an8}It's not fair. It's not fair.
267
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,433
{\an8}(muttering)
268
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,560
(groaning) Morphine, please.
269
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:08,978
HOMER: Wait a minute.
270
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,604
Because I brought the check,
271
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,815
they named a wing after me?
272
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:16,736
(laughing)
273
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,654
Oh, you must be mad.
274
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,115
Well, I will be
when the morphine wears off.
275
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,324
But until then...
276
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,701
♪ Teedily, deedily, dee-dee ♪
277
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,286
♪ Teedily, dee-dee-dee ooh... ♪
278
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,662
Gee, I feel bad.
279
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,873
If people knew the real Monty Burns,
280
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,541
and not the silver-dollar-throwing
281
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,461
morphine addict you've become,
they might like you.
282
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,087
{\an8}Yeah, if you want to change your image,
283
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,922
{\an8}you've got to get your face out there.
284
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:40,009
Go on the radio.
285
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,802
That's it. The radio.
286
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,513
I'll go on the most
popular program of the day.
287
00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:47,933
I assume that's still Don McNeilland his Breakfast Club.
288
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,727
Oh, get with the times, man.
289
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,188
It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch .
290
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:55,441
Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns
would like that show.
291
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,735
What's the matter? Think I'm not hip?
292
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,696
I don't have enough vo-dee-oh-doh?
293
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,077
Thank you, knick-knack and paddy-whack,
the Siamese midgets.
294
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,288
We'll be sure to catch
your new series on FOX.
295
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:10,664
Good luck, Mr. Burns.
296
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:12,583
And if you get in trouble,
I wrote some jokes
297
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,169
about how white people are different
from black people.
298
00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:16,378
Hmm.
299
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,546
How're you doing, Mr. Burns?
300
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,381
Jerry Rude, welcome to the show.
301
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,008
(titters) I am pleased to--
302
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:22,510
All right. Let's get this geezer out quick
303
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,386
so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.
304
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,056
You see, white people
have names like "Lenny,"
305
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:30,226
whereas black people
have names like "Carl."
306
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:32,019
(laughing)
307
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,521
Zoom.
308
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:34,980
Now, Mr. Rude,
309
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,483
I just want you to know I'm a good sport.
310
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,152
If you want to make fun
of my legendary love of cashews,
311
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,821
(chuckles) you have at it.
312
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,072
Uh-huh. All right.
313
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,282
Uh, how many times a day
do you go to the can?
314
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,117
Oh, about 40, I suppose.
315
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,244
When are we going on the air?
316
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,787
We're on the air now, skeletor.
317
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,413
-What?
-Question two.
318
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,040
how long is your wiener, seriously?
319
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,458
Great heavens!
320
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,502
What kind of Radiola show is this?
321
00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:59,421
All right. How about this?
When was your first gay experience?
322
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,883
Oh, well, when I was six,
my father took me on a picnic.
323
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,010
That was a gay old time.
324
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,763
Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.
325
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,098
Oh, that sounds lovely.
326
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,933
(coughing) Queer. Queer.
327
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,102
Um, ever murder anybody?
328
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,228
Murder?
329
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:16,647
Well, mistakes have been made.
330
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,732
Monty, I've heard
you're a pretty flatulent guy.
331
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:19,942
Any comment on that?
332
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,443
-No, no. See here.
-(farting)
333
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,779
Stop that. Attention wireless listeners.
334
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,197
Most of the sounds you are now hearing
335
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,366
are not being made by me.
336
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,826
-Do stop. Stop it.
-(farting sounds)
337
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,495
Will someone please stop the farting!
338
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,205
D'oh! Oh! Oh!
339
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,665
Don't worry, folks. He's not dead.
340
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:36,667
I still hear some faint sounds of life.
341
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,960
(farting sounds)
342
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,630
{\an8}That didn't go well, did it?
343
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,133
Good thing those lesbians knew CPR.
344
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,676
Oh, what's the use?
345
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,178
I'll never be a popular,
beloved billionaire
346
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,597
like Arthur Fortune.
347
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,432
Oh, Arthur Fortune.
348
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,142
(sighs)
349
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,520
You know what that fabulous man just did?
350
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,857
He gave the Springfield Zoo
two male pandas,
351
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,943
and got them to mate successfully.
352
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,237
{\an8}And a stunt like that impresses people?
353
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,991
Oh, yeah, and I'm not easily impressed.
354
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,076
Wow! A blue car!
355
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,078
If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers
356
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,538
can win people's hearts,
357
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,748
I'm going to bring them something
358
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,291
that man has searched for
359
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,460
since the dawn of time.
360
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,713
{\an8}-A sober Irishman?
-Even rarer.
361
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,015
HOMER: Whoo! That was
one long helicopter ride.
362
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,650
Do you really think you can capture
the Loch Ness monster?
363
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:43,734
I mean, he's eluded
364
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:45,611
Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.
365
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:46,737
(scoffs)
366
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,614
Peter Graves couldn't find ugly
367
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,199
at a Radcliffe mixer.
368
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,742
(clears throat) Let's see now,
369
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:53,786
we have the monsterometer,
370
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,496
flipper-finder,
371
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,081
hoaxiscope, which is important
372
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,874
for the looking and finding.
373
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,210
Ach, the whole town's turned out.
374
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,045
I've never seen them so excited.
375
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:08,008
Hey, Willie. That old couple
looks just like you.
376
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,094
Aye, 'tis my Ma and Pa.
377
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,929
They own a tavern hereabouts.
378
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,597
They still have the same pool table
379
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,767
on which I was conceived,
born and educated.
380
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,647
{\an8}-So you're back, son?
-Aye.
381
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,816
I suppose you'll be leaving soon.
382
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:24,942
Aye.
383
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:31,448
(grunting) Good. Good. One more.
384
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,743
-(grunts)
-Where's my monster, tubby?
385
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,787
{\an8}What do you people think
I'm paying you for?
386
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,872
{\an8}Uh, to work in your power plant?
387
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,708
You're not paying me anything.
388
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,876
You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly
389
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,253
with the grabbing and the duct taping
390
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,546
and the tennis ball in the mouth.
391
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,672
It hurt me.
392
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,757
The beast looks something like this,
393
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,385
{\an8}only without the saucy T-shirt.
394
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,221
-Check.
-OK.
395
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:58,267
(whistling)
396
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:02,104
(water bubbling)
397
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,691
He's been down
in that icy water for hours.
398
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:09,445
How can the lad survive
such brutal punishment?
399
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,412
-(dog barks)
-(call bell rings)
400
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,749
(grunts) Tilt, you monster!
401
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:24,918
(beeping)
402
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,336
Oh, my great, good God.
403
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,921
Gentlemen, your attention, please.
404
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:31,133
I am detecting a gigantic amphibious
life-form.
405
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,969
It's 80 meters long
and it's heading this way.
406
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,430
Oh, good glayvin! It's on my shoe!
407
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,514
(beeping continues)
408
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,266
It's a... a small frog.
409
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,559
Just get off. Just get off there.
410
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,727
Get out. Get out!
411
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,563
Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute.
412
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,191
This isn't the monsterometer.
It's the frog-exaggerator.
413
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:48,525
Oh, my!
414
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,444
We're the laughingstock of the town.
415
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,238
Don't worry, Mr. Burns.
416
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:54,323
We're going to find that monster
417
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:55,824
no matter how long it takes.
418
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,494
Besides, I'm getting
kind of used to wearing a kilt.
419
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,955
(chuckles) Can you believe,
I'm a size four? Whoo!
420
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,124
-Ach!
-Aye.
421
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,834
D'oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal
422
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,462
that has 24 miles of water to hide in.
423
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,048
Drain the lake.
424
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,424
-What?
-You heard me.
425
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,551
{\an8}Deploy the delochinator.
426
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,807
(grunting, groaning)
427
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:23,519
(muttering)
428
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,276
(church bell rings)
429
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,365
We've lost our homes
and everything we hold dear.
430
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,491
Aye.
431
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,704
I see it! I see the monster!
432
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,706
(snorting)
433
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,708
Nay, 'tis merely
434
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:50,129
a Loch Ness High School's
discarded homecoming float.
435
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:55,050
{\an8}-No way! Aberdeen rules!
-(explosion, crashing)
436
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,344
(all screaming)
437
00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:01,348
-(roaring)
-(all screaming)
438
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,144
My God, it's him!
439
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,895
Come on, boys. Overpower it.
440
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,313
(whistling)
441
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,732
Fine. I'll do it myself.
442
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,529
(snorting)
443
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,656
That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
444
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:19,700
I was a little worried
when he swallowed me,
445
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:22,035
but, well, you know the rest.
446
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:23,495
(sighs)
447
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,747
And now for my triumphant return
448
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:26,874
to Springfield.
449
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,008
Monster fever has gripped
Springfield by the throat,
450
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,843
and it's all thanks to one man.
451
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,846
Montgomery Burns has captured
not only a legendary monster,
452
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,556
but also our hearts.
453
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,225
And by the way, girls, he's single.
454
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,476
Single?
455
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,437
Well, he passes the Selma test.
456
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,273
(crowd cheering)
457
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,859
Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
458
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:57,738
And now, presenting
the ninth wonder of the world,
459
00:19:57,821 --> 00:20:00,866
the eighth being Gomer Pyle's
heavenly singing voice,
460
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:04,536
I give you the Loch Ness monster!
461
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,497
(cheering)
462
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,416
-Thank you. You're too kind.
-Monty! Monty!
463
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,960
-Yes, that's it. Let it all out.
-Monty! Monty!
464
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,879
Clutch me to your common bosom.
465
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,298
Hey, look. He's getting up!
466
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,431
No, no. Stop it. Stop it.
You'll enrage the beast!
467
00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:25,557
(cooing)
468
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,600
No more pictures.
469
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:27,851
You're driving him mad.
470
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,941
(groaning)
471
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,109
Stop it. You're blinding me!
472
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:39,154
(groaning) Oh! I can't see.
473
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,490
(grunting) Run!
474
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,367
Run!
475
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,953
Mr. Burns will kill us all!
476
00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:50,624
-Wait. Don't go.
-(thud)
477
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:53,043
Love me!
478
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,798
Well, if you wanted people to love you,
479
00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,259
you sure blew it with that insane rampage.
480
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:01,843
-(sighs)
-But you know what?
481
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,888
To be loved, you have to be
nice to people,
482
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,390
every day!
483
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,685
But to be hated,
you don't have to do squat.
484
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,311
You know, perhaps, you're right.
485
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,772
I got so swept up
with the notion of being liked,
486
00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,857
I completely forgot who I am.
487
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,901
I am a selfish old crank,
488
00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,903
and that fits me like a Speedo.
489
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,949
(cooing)
490
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,368
So what do we do with our friend here?
491
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,828
Throw him in the dumpster?
492
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,162
No, no, no.
493
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,291
I really want to give
the lovable scamp a good home.
494
00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:41,633
-D'oh!
-Tough luck, Simpson.
495
00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:43,302
Come on, Nessie, one more pull.
496
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:44,970
(shrieking)
497
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,305
OK. OK.
498
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,140
You want a shrimp cocktail?
499
00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:50,267
-(grunts)
-Yeah, they're not great.
500
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,186
(theme music played on bagpipes)
501
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,528
(theme music playing)
502
00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:38,273
Shh!
503
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,233
LISA: Ooh, I hear this really sucks.
504
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:43,987
{\an8}Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services
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