All language subtitles for The Harper House s01e06 Everyone in Town Must Eat.eng

♪

♪

♪

First, we hit the candy store.
[grunts]

Then, we hit the pet
store, aka the mini-zoo.

[grunts] And finally, due to
the upcoming summer solstice,

I want to get my fortune read.

Ollie, it's your money, babe,

but don't waste it on
fake stuff like fortune-telling.

Hey there, little girl, can I
get your support to expose

the lizard people in government?

Lizard people? Like...
Sea Monkeys?

Well, for five dollars
I'll explain further.

How much can you
explain for ten?

Ollie, get over here, right now!

I need you to develop
a "bullshit detector."

Your gullible nature is going
to make you a victim one day.

I completely disagree.

No fracking. No fracking.
No fracking. No fracking.

Todd, are you sure
it's okay to do this?

Jesus, Dad, focus.

It's Kelley Frakes' initiative.

she plans to expand her fracking
here on the north side.

And fracking
causes climate change. Yeah.

Look, I-I know.
Everyone knows. Okay?

But, I-I mean,
it's climate change,

so it's no fun at all.
Look, I'm struggling.

Kelley wants to expand fracking
into the creek,

where me and my friends
play with the turtles.

Or should I say, I play with
my only friend, the turtle.

Ah, don't worry, Mom.

There's no one but that Harper
nerd and Debbie's nervous,

wrong-choice husband.

Johnny, you know what starts
a snowball rolling?

A snowflake.

I don't want anyone
to get in the way

of our fracking license.

I got big investors
lined up to cash in.

Well, we'll have that license
in just 24 hours. [chuckles]

No one's gonna pull off
anything

to get in the way of
that in time.

What's up,
windowless van-stache?

Dorothy Parker, everybody.

LOOK! Oh, my God, Todd
is on TV! Turn it up!

Today, as the clock winds down

on any dissent for the mayor's
fracking expansion,

a local boy
makes a scene at the capitol.

Climate change is real.

There are facts,
and there are clear plans.

Hi, y'all. As y'all's mayor,

I'm out here trying to figure
out how to drum up

some positive economic ventures.

Understandable and relatable.

The local boy, on the other
hand, is abrasive, alone, ugly.

Plus, I mean, it's climate
change, so... snooze.

Dad. I still got a few dollars

and it's still daylight.

Will you take me to get
my fortune read?

Whatever. At least this outing
won't give me a headache.

Ollie, remember what I said
about that fake stuff, babe.

You put your faith in it,
you're gonna be let down.

Leaps of faith are exciting.
Leaps of fact are homework.

Welcome to our blessed boutique.
Feel blessed.

Hi, I'm Joshathon,
the free range kid.

My parents buy our goods
on Amazon

and sell them to you for
twice the price. [chuckles]

Rad! See, everyone's here.

If there's a sale, I'm there,

even if it is just
crystals and brass.

For a place that's supposedly
"at one with Mother Earth,"

they sure
use a lot of plastic

and create
a shit-ton of trash.

Oh, come on.
Look at this, look at this.

CBD toothpicks.
Look, CBD hair pomade.

Come on, now.
This CBD thing is crazy, right?

But let's get some,
just to be sure, you know.

Ah. I need this headache
to go away.

Oh, you just need
a natural remedy.

Is this $65 carrot?

No, it's not.
It's a $65 care-OOT,

flown in from the mystical
Black Forest of Germany

this morning by jet.

Well, I do like
their cake and ham,

but $65... I don't...

A magic number? Yes.

You're into numerology.
I get it, so am I.

Tell you what. I'll give
you a sample off yesterday's

car-OOT for, like, $12.50.

Well, okay. I'm sure you know
what you're talking about.

Hey, little goddess, you have
a great taste in crystals.

Those are our most expensive.

If you listen
while you scratch at them,

you can hear their
high-pitched, scratchy voices

talking to you.

Watch.

Yes. I know. [laughs]

So spiritual.

My grandma says if we want to
get spiritual

we should just go to church.

Bullshit!
That's bullshit.

It's so backwards and,
like, wrong and, like, stupid

to believe in such old,
fake bullshit.

Gross.

Dad, there it is.
I want to do that.

Jame, come here. I can't get
this damn thing to work.

This is for thee to fix.

[gasps]

Thy! Thy the chosen one!

Look, Dad.

That scary,
foreboding old crone is

waving me over.

Of course I should go, right?

The fate of the world is
in your hands.

Give me a hit off
my Monster. Where's my Monster?

How?

This town is located
on a vortex

of converging,
magnetic ley lines.

That's actually true,
geologically.

And on the summer solstice,

this town will line up
perfectly at midnight

with the Pleiades
cluster of stars,

thus temporarily making it

a special spot on the planet.

Holy shit, look at that.

Checks out,
astronomically speaking.

The world needs correcting.

We are scattered, lost.

The prophecies have foretold
that the only thing

to keep the world from ending

is the hope
of the new generation.

Can't really argue with that.

That hope is you.

You must get everyone in town
to come together

and partake of a great uniter.

We need to partake
of someone who believes that

we are the change we want to be.

So, thy little one,

you must get everyone
in this special town

to eat a piece of...

Barack Obama.

[all gasp]

Before midnight
on the summer solstice,

or the world will end!

[gasps]

Tight. I got this!

But what are we
all supposed to do?

Partake of what?

Well, it sounds like she wants
us all to take a bite of...

I think Obama.

No one can eat Barack Obama,

let alone all of the town.

And that's only 24 hours.

That can't be real... can it?

I don't know.
What if it is real,

but we didn't try
to do anything?

That's crazy. Eat Obama?

A-And why Obama?

Well, why not Obama?

He is special.

No, I mean, I get that if it's
anyone, it should be Obama.

He's special.

Even if this was
a real prophecy,

I don't know how
you'd even start.

I'd love to see Ollie try, real
or not, and it can't be real.

Well, our crone did predict
the last election.

And she is from
old, mystic Europe.

I mean, we fly her back
and forth every night.

Costs a fucking fortune in gas,
but it's worth it.

[indistinct chatter]

So we gotta stay fact-based
to end climate change,

which is real
and proven by science.

-Uh-huh.
-[both snoring]

Guys, you're not going
to believe what's happened,

and what's got to happen,
and what's going to happen

-if it doesn't happen.
-Huh? What?

So, a crone told my fortune,
free of charge,

and she said I gotta get
everyone in town

to eat a piece
of Barack Obama

before midnight tomorrow,
or the world ends.

-[laughter]
-Yeah.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

[knock on door]

We better get started,
chosen one.

So, yeah. I mean, it's kinda
fun and exciting

to believe in this.

Not like climate change
or anything.

Okay, I-I get Ollie believing
this, but all of you?

Is this
some kind of sarcastic game?

Katrina, come on,
you're too smart for this.

I'm fifty-fifty.

Fifty sarcastic,
the rest is curious.

I want to see how far
this can go.

What-- But what about
the rest of y'all?

Uh, listen, we're talking about
coming together as a people

to save our planet
from destruction.

All we have to do is simply eat
President Barack Obama.

Which is impossible and stupid.

You're impossible and stupid.

Freddie, say something.

Well, you know, I did have
a headache from Todd

-yelling about the climate.
-What?

You see, then Jame sold me a
sliver of a blackened carrot,

and that worked,
so, uh, maybe this will.

Mm, pretty dumb, babe.

Look, I know it's
a big stretch,

but, I mean, what if it's not,
you know?

Like, what if the world ends
and it's our fault because

we didn't even do
the simplest thing?

That is literally exactly what
I've been saying

about climate change.

Yeah, but this is now.

Is the AC on? 'Cause it's,
like, 120 degrees.

Guys, Even if you believe
this cockamamie prophecy,

we cannot actually eat

the 44th president
of the United States.

-You can't eat anybody!
-Tonya!

All I'm saying is
I'm open to it.

Okay, Ollie,

I'm going to let
you try to do this because

I want you to learn a lesson
about being too gullible.

And I'm going to be there
when it all crashes and burns.

Awesome, Mom. Thanks.

Here we go.

[line ringing]

Hello, little goddess.

-Aunt Brenna!
-DEBBIE: Wait.

-What-what are you doing?
-I'm saving the world, Mom. Duh.

You're not going to believe
this, but I gotta get

the whole town to eat
a piece of Barack Obama

before midnight tomorrow,
or else the world will end,

and all these people are
behind me to try and do this.

ALL:
Hi, Aunt Brenna.

Well, is your mom
for or against it?

-Against.
-I'll be right over.

Now, the first thing to do

is to create
a huge online presence.

Get people on board with
this crazy, fun, flirty idea.

I'm already
a big influencer, so...

You're @WhiteThangTopNotch
FashionBeeotch.

Guilty. I got 500,000 followers
just by being me,

and also having all the taste
in the family.

[snorts]

Oh, man.

Yeah, you're connected
to most of the town.

Got some big shots. Ham.

I see Brenna's organized
marathons and fundraisers

for some okay-ish causes. Hmm.

Okay then, @WhiteThangTopNotch
FashionBeeotch.

Go ahead.

Thank you very much, sweetheart.

Aunt Brenna, you're all
so excited about the Obama part,

you're forgetting about
the eatingpart.

Yeah, Ollie,
how do you see this whole

"eating Barack Obama" thing
really working?

We'll eat that bridge
when we come to it.

Fair enough.

Then let's start counting
our eaters.

♪

♪

We got everyone in town
to at least say

they'd be into eating this dude.

Heh. See, Mom?

I knew Aunt Brenna
would be awesome somehow.

My job is done here.

[grumbles]

The clock is running out

on any dissent against
Mayor Frakes'

expansion of her fracking
enterprise.

But we all would rather focus on
this super-fun thing:

Ollie Harper and her push
to get us all to eat a piece

of President Barack Obama.

[indistinct shouting]

Oh, my God, isn't it cool
your sister's famous?

Dad, all these people are
wasting their energy

on a fantasy while
something real, the climate,

is getting lost!

I demand to talk to the mayor

and get her aid in bringing
Obama to River Creek,

so every single one of us
may eat a piece of him!

[enthusiastic shouts]

There's no way
it's going any further.

I mean, Kelley won't help.

[gasps, cheers]

So, Mayor,
will you help get Obama?

Well, I think
better to be cautious

than complacent.

Ollie, get me one of
those crystal bangles.

I'm on the job.

-[Debbie and Todd gasp]
-[cheering]

Man, this is awesome!

I can't believe
you're into this, Kelley.

But, honestly, what now, huh?
Where are we flying?

Don't worry about it.

I am a connected lady.

And things happen for a reason.

Genocide? Kid cancer?
Poor people?

God works in mysterious,
painful, and cruel ways.

You see my ankles?

Horseshit! You're trying to run
down the clock on this vote.

Boy, don't try
to boy-splain to me.

The Harper boy's right, right?

I mean, we're using this Obama
eating stuff as a distraction

to run down the clock
on any opposition

to the fracking expansion.

KELLEY:
Yeah, but keep the boy from alerting

"you know who"
about our fracking.

I don't want anything
to spook our investors.

Now Americans get their
political information

-mostly from comedies.
-[laughter]

That wasn't a joke.
[grunts]

This man thinks he can write
a woman character.

And... he can't.

Mr. President, we have some
unexpected visitors.

Oh, Barack...

Is that Kelley Frakes?
Let 'em through.

What are you doing here, girl?

I hope you guys get
bathroom breaks.

Oh, good to see you.

Oh, my God, I'm going to faint.

Mr. President,
we're the Harpers.

And, uh... I guess you
already know Kelley?

[chuckling]
Who doesn't know her?

[grunting]

Kelley and me have gone
a few rounds on fracking.

Played a few holes, too, right?
[laughs]

This lady is super connected
on a national level.

Quite a fighter,
albeit on the wrong side.

But she's a Republican asshole.

Gotta reach across the aisle
to get things done.

So, what can I do
for you fine people today?

[whispering]:
Hey, weird little kid, you're up.

Mr. Obama.

A fortune-telling crone told me

I gotta get everyone
in my hometown

to eat a piece of you
before midnight tonight,

or the whole world will come
to an end.

So we're here to ask you
to come back home with us

so you can get eaten.

Oh, my gosh, our little girl!

[sniffling]
I c-- can't believe it.

I can't believe
any of this shit.

Don't look at me.

What is this, Kelley?
Is this a joke?

Mr. President, I am so sorry
on behalf of our family

to squander this audience with
such a powerful man like you

when we have real problems
back home.

Right now, one of
the Dark Lord's minions, Kelley,

is fracking the hell out of us.

-Huh.
-Kid, show some respect and back off.

Barack,
I understand you're busy, so...

Uh, actually, uh,
the little girl has a point.

-[gasps]
-I will feel bad if the world ends

and I didn't do all I could.

So better get to it.

Let's go.

Mrs. President,
you're gonna let him do this?

I mean,
with all due super huge respect,

big fan, really,
but what the fuck, Michelle?

Kid, you gotta work
on your people skills.

Let's get a move on, Harpers!

♪

Fucking liberal hippies, man.
Ha-ha!

I'm actually shocked
he said he'd do it.

Must be bored in retirement.

You're about to get eaten, man.

Yeah, I mean, you seem very cool
and eager to get eaten.

[clears throat]

Uh, hey.
What's up, River Creek?

This is big ol' B.O.
coming atcha.

And I want you all to get ready,

because I'm what's
for dinner tonight.

[chuckles]
That's right,

whether you love me or hate me,

come get a chance to say
ya ate me!

Tonight. River Creek.

Peace.

Okay, everyone, tell...

everyone that this is
really happening tonight.

Let's rally!

Every citizen. Oldies. Babies.

Hospital folks.
And people in jails, too.

♪

[tires screech]

[crowd cheering]

Okay, River Creek, now...

-we eat him.
-[cheering, whooping]

[chuckles]
No need to eat me to death.

Have you all heard
of homeopathic remedies?

That's how I fully cured
my tuberculosis.

[retches]

Homeopathy?
Are you fucking kidding me?

That's one part
one-trillionth of something

diluted to nothingness
in a fluid!

I plan to do this
via homeopathy.

Think of me
as the one part one-trillionth,

and... we put me in your water

and... you drink me.

Any questions?

Yes. Mr. President,

how many calories will be
in our Barack bite?

I'm trying to lose three pounds.

Can I choose what part
of Barack's body I want to eat?

I recommend we rinse before.

What does Michelle think
about this?

Should we not mix with,
say, ketamine,

or, I don't know, ludes?

Are you in your body,
or areyou your body?

Convince Michelle to run,
and then hire me!

Is it cool
if I just ate a sandwich?

Have you had any alcohol
in the last 24 hours?

And now I get Catholicism.

Hey, can I get mine with, like,
an egg on top?

Can my horse get a dose, too?

How do we know
you're really Obama?

Do you have a birth certificate?

That a real man.

He's a great speaker, for sure.

Grandpa,
you of all people gotta know

this is some bunk-ass
crazy shit, right?

Just here to support
my granddaughter.

Plus, I want one
of those commemorative T-shirts.

All right, listen up.

Let's form a line
at the water treatment plant.

♪

So yeah,
this here main tank goes down

to the filtration systems,
usually, but we can reroute it

to the kind of keg spigot
you requested.

Uh, yeah, we're essentially
microdosing the town on me.

We can make an "Obama stew"

by vigorously exfoliating me
as I soak in this tank.

[shudders]
Can you heat me up, George?

"Yes I can," Mr. President.

[grunts]

OLLIE:
Form a line.

Soon you'll all get
a sip of Obama.

It's getting close to midnight.
Let's hustle, people!

[indistinct chatter]

-[grunts]
-KELLEY: How is it?

Too hot?

Uh, actually,
it can go a little hotter.

No, no, give me a bigger cup.

[smacks lips, exhales]

Ew.

Mmm.

[exhales]

[slurps]

Not bad.

[exhales]

Mmm.

[both chuckling]

Okay, it seems everyone
has technically eaten

a piece of Barack Obama
by midnight.

Except you two.

I'm not doing it.

Come on.
There's only a minute left.

Do it for everyone.

Nope. Protest vote.
Not doing it.

DEBBIE [sighs]:
Come on, Toddie.

Yes, it's stupid, but...

[sighs]:
a little cooperation goes a long way.

It's for your sister.

[exhales]

Fine.

-[smacking lips]
-Yes!

We did it just in time!

[bell tolls]

[cheering, shouting]

It worked!

How do you know it worked?

There's no way to prove
it didn't work!

It's unfalsifiable!

And...

we succeeded in running down
the clock on fracking.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mom.
Let's frack everything!

[cheering, whistling]

Okay, this proves
we are actually doomed.

Todd, Debbie,
let me share something

with just the two of you.

This whole time, all of this
was to distract Kelley,

so that my people

could get with some
climate-conscious billionaires

who, if I'm not mistaken,

have bought out
Kelley's fracking company

while we were all distracted
with this nonsense.

So the distraction was
a distraction?

Bingo bongo, baby boyo.
[chuckles]

So even though fracking now
is technically legal here,

she won't have a company
to act on it.

Aw. I was worried
my daughter's nature

would make her a victim one day,

and it turns out her nature
makes her a cult leader. Ha-ha!

Which is
kind of a relief, really.

You're fucking kidding
my ass right now, Mom.

Todd, Todd, Todd.
it's a fine line

between gullibility and hope.

And despite your best efforts,

you can't get people behind you
by being a dick.

[clicks tongue]

Now, I think I've done enough
for you fine people.

I'm not the Giving Tree,
you know.

[Barack chuckles]

♪

BARACK:
Oh!

I am almost tired
of bull's-eyes.

[chuckles]

You know, I can put
a little bit of Barack Obama

in just about anything,
and it's gonna taste better.

So, I didn't crash or burn.

I was right
and you were wrong, Mom.

[laughs]

Ollie,
just because you took advantage

of the whole town's gullibility

doesn't mean I'm not
still worried about yours.

Eh, I'm a kid.

I'll be serious when I need to.

Where'd you get that?

No, wait. I know where.

Obama.

I don't know
who that Obama guy is,

but he's very persuasive.

Hey, Todd, did you know that
we already have the technology

to produce all of our energy
from renewables,

but the oil industry
won't let us?

Yeah, I say that to you,
like, every day.

Sucks! And did you know that
if we don't cut our emissions

down to zero by 2030,

the world will start to end
in our lifetime?!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Chirp.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0