All language subtitles for Spirit-Quest_2021_English-ELSUBTITLE.COM-ST_62836767

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ What is my place ♪

♪ What is my purpose ♪

♪ How can I trust
That beneath the surface ♪

♪ Is someone I can see ♪

♪ Is worth fighting for? ♪

♪ It hurts to be far
It hurts to be near her ♪

♪ I can't see my eyes
When I look in the mirror ♪

♪ Tell me who to blame
For this deficiency ♪

♪ And if I take my final stand

♪ Grit my teeth
And clench my hand ♪

♪ I know I'm an honest man ♪

♪ But this pair of fangs ♪

♪ Oh, but his pair of fangs ♪

Positive, grateful,
loving thoughts

are like Teflon,
they just slide off.

Unless you savor them
consciously...

Rise and shine, baby bird.

A little breakfast,
a little wakey bake?

You know while you were
sleeping, I was driving.

I hope you had
a good little rest.

Just gotta get gas and it should
be clear sailing from there.

...left to itself

is a binary system
that understands everything...

What are we listening to?

Oh, just a little...
motivational talk radio.

Sure, like a... Tony Robbins
love fest kind of deal?

No, no, this isn't Tony Robbins.
All right?

This is legit.

This is a Franciscan monk.

Most people spend
their whole lives...

I got to pee.

I like it out here.

It's nice.

First of all, you have
to be driven by circumstances,

though it is the spirit driving
you and you don't know it.

And where the spirit drives you
is into the wilderness,

the... the chaos,

the confusion, the narcissism..

And then it says,
if you remember,

and there he met
the wild beasts.

I'm gonna get a...

I don't know, jerky, maybe
Gatorade, you want anything?

No, I'm good.

Just don't get
too much, alright?

You don't want do this
on a full stomach.

You're not my Dad. Thanks.

- We all need father figures.
- Okay.

For the cash, put 20 on four.

Put 20 on four!

Hey guys, it's me.

I won't be checking my phone
for the next 30 days

because I'll be climbing
Kilimanjaro. Woo-hoo.

Wish me luck, okay, bye.

Hey, it's me.
I just want to say I...

I'm sorry, I...

I hope you find what you're
looking for and...

have a great trip.

Yeah.

Alright, let's go.

Hey, what's up?

I want you to take these.

I don't want you
to ask questions.

- Did you just...
- I just took mine.

What happened to waiting until
we got to where we're going?

I changed my mind.

I figure we have about
37 minutes

before we get
to the launch point.

Should give us plenty of time
before these kick in.

It will be fine.

We kinda on
the launch point now.

Will you just embrace it,
stop judging everything?

- All of them?
- All of them.

These are usually terrible,

but the guy I get them
from is a chef.

He adds some peanut butter,
a little powdered sugar.

Pretty good.

It still tastes
like old man breath.

Yeah, they're terrible.

I love a good spirit quest.

What you got there?

It's a Tamagotchi.

From when we were in fifth
grade. It's a digital pet.

You have to feed it
or else it dies.

That doesn't sound like
something a grown man

should have.

I know. Jess gave it to me
as a joke.

She gave me a hard time for not
following through on things.

So she gave me this,
and dared me to keep it alive.

Do you think
that's why she left?

Because you don't
follow through on things?

- What?
- I'm just saying.

I'm sorry, but is she wrong?

Name one thing that you
started and also finished.

Name one thing that I...

This is coming from one
of your oldest friends.

Okay. Uh...

I don't need the negative
energy right now.

Especially after you gave me
a bag of drugs.

No, no, this is good. You asked
me to be your spirit guide.

So we need to get all
the negative energy

right out in the open.

My spirit guide?

I thought we were going out
to the desert to trip balls

and help me forget
about the bullshit

going on in my life right now.

Okay, and if I wanted a guide,

I would not choose
the guy who's unemployed

and just got back from licking
toad in Central America.

- Whoa.
- Well...

What was that about?
Why you attacking me?

All I'm saying is
that you need to release

all the negative energy
from your brain,

and embrace the unknown.

Hello. Did you hear me?
Did you hear what I said?

I said you need to release

the negative energy
from your brain

and embrace the unknown.

Dude, that sounded pretty deep.

Let's stop talking
about real life.

I'm more of a stuff it all down,

let it erupt
years later kind of guy.

I'm shutting down
the operating system.

I'm bringing the smiles back.
Pass the weed, man.

Bingo, see?

That is exactly the attitude
adjustment I'm talking about.

Just keep that flowing.

Alright, alright, don't hog it.

Have you ever dash drummed
so hard you set off the airbag?

No, don't do that.
Not in this car.

Are there gerbils around here?

Isn't a Chupacabra a sort of
a large gerbil?

Or am I way off base with that?

I think a Chupacabra is
a half gerbil, half snake.

Oh, shit!

Shit!

This is not good! Not good!
How long have we been driving?

Twenty five minutes?

Okay, we don't have much time.

I need you to get out,
fix the problem.

- Post haste.
- Post haste, here we go.

Why do I have to do it?
It's your Jeep.

- I'm your spirit guide.
- No you're not.

And you asked me
to bring you out here

and I specifically told you
there'd be tests and challenges.

- You did say that.
- Well, this is your first test.

My first test is
changing your flat tire?

Do you not know
how to change a flat tire?

Because every adult man should
know how to change a flat tire.

Look at this car you drive
and you're Mr. Masculine.

"Oh, I've got the big Jeep."

- I change tires all the time.
- What you talking about?

You said it was cool

the day I showed it to
you when I bought it.

I think it's very cool, clearly.

You have about 15 minutes
before the drugs really kick in,

and then you're not going
to be able to change anything.

I do know how to change a tire.

Nobody likes to be rushed.

Hey, see it through.

I thought that was
gonna be helpful.

Thought that was gonna be
helpful. It wasn't.

Hey, how's it going?

Hmm. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I don't like this.
- Dude.

I love these things. I kept one
alive for like six months once.

Pee-poo, pee-poo, pee-poo.

This is the drugs
just kicking in.

Must be coming in early.
Nothing to freak out about.

He's up there.
This is just in my mind.

Bingo.

This is in your mind.
I call this the fear.

It's when you're
both really excited

and really scared at
the same time.

Dammit, I envy you.

I am really scared.
The car's broken down,

I'm talking to
an astronaut version of you.

and I'm starting to freak
on out, man.

Relax. I know exactly
what you should do.

- You should just give up.
- Give up, What?

What kind of advice is that?
Give up.

What you talking about?

It's great advice.
You love giving up.

You know what?
You're not even real.

- Are you?
- Oh, what?

Of course.
That doesn't make sense.

Look all I'm saying is,

this looks way too hard.

Why should we try stuff
if we're just going to fail?

Let's just stay out
here and hang.

I'm gonna get the tire and jack,

I'm gonna show you
who follows through.

See, that was a test,
you passed.

There is no spare.

Right,
should have mentioned that.

Yo, dude, there's no spare.

Hey, buddy.
Oh, a little sand moment.

I'm high. Those mushrooms
are peaking pretty hard.

We have no spare.
So, I think we should

head back to the gas station.

- You know, get some help.
- You wanna go back?

Yes, I do, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we need to go
further out there.

Out into what? What are you
seeing out there?

- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?

- I'm coming!
- Don't you do that!

Get back here, man.

Brent!

Call Randy's mom.

What?

What does that mean?

Hey, you get back here.
What does that mean?

What did you mean by that?

Brent!

Brent!

Brent!

Brent!

Dude.

Hey, buddy.

Brent.

When did I get
so fucking fragile, man?

Brent.

I can do drugs.
I've done tons of drugs.

Brent!

I'm not scared of drugs.

- Hey guys, it's me.
- Jess made me scared of drugs.

She was all pissed up one time
and got real coked up

and kept wanting to drive
up to Santa Barbara.

Brent!

I want to take these.

Probably didn't
help that I kept calling it

Santa Be-Bes.

Come on Jessie baby, let me
drive you up to Santa Be-bes.

Santa Be-Bes.

Release negative energy
from your brain.

I know there's
fucking snakes out here.

- Hello?
- It's asserting itself.

I can do this,
I can be alone.

I don't want to be out here
right now by myself.

Embrace the unknown.

Hey Eddy,
I can't remember.

It goes C, D, is it G next?

It's G. All right.

Hey!

Hey!

Let's make a pact from now on
that you don't leave me alone

in the dark by myself
tripping on drugs.

What do you mean,
leave you alone?

I've been here waiting for you.

- Where have you been?
- I just had a panic attack.

I was just reliving
every shameful moment

of my life on loop.

Don't! That's...

Stop it.

Okay, that's beautiful.
But stop it.

Now's not the time,
now's not the time, dude.

Seriously? Fucking stop it!

Alright well, I'm sorry.
Just working pretty hard on it.

What do you mean we?
What are you talking about dude?

Quick check-in, are you hearing
that voice as well?

What voice?

No, I'm just kidding.
Of course I can hear him.

Oh, dude.

I am your guardian spirit
from the infinite beyond.

And tonight you will be
greeted by three ghosts.

One from your past.

One from your present,

and one from your
fucking future, man.

I'm just playing, I'm playing.
Hi, I'm Edward Thaddeus Monroe.

But people call me the Mayor.

At least they
used to call me that.

But that's a tale
for a different time.

Care to whet your whistle?

I don't know. Do I, Brent?

Do I want a strange drink
from a desert man?

No, thank you. I changed
my mind. I do want it.

Enjoy it.

Hey, slow down there, slim!
That shit's hard to make.

Dear God!

Now tell me, friend.

What are you doing run around
in the middle of the night?

Hey, I'm not running
from anything. Not anymore.

I'm gonna sit on this stump
here, forever!

Me and this stump
are one entity now.

Pow! Embrace the ride,
motherfuckers.

Yes! Exactly! Embrace the ride,
that's what I'm talking about.

The coyotes are hungry.

And they must be fed.

For nigh is the witching hour.

And they desire human flesh.

And that is why I have brought
you both here today.

Fuck, I'm playing.

I'm playing again. I'm a player.
Oh. look. It's just,

there's no coyotes out here,
it's just apps. It's an app.

It's called Coyote Howl.
Best 99 cents I ever spent.

It sounded really good,
though, right? Sounded real?

What's so funny?

Oh, you know,
just the crushing weight of life

and all of its purposelessness.

Oh, soup song.

Do you boys like beans?
Do you boys like beans?

Do you boys like beans?

Oh, I love beans.

Wow.

Anyone wants some more of
Mayor's homemade moonshine?

- No.
- I... Maybe? Well...

- Not me, I'm good.
- But maybe.

Are you sure you guys came out
here for the right reasons?

Because fella,
you've been here before,

you were out here
like last week.

Maybe I haven't found
what I'm looking for.

Do you hear that, God?

He's still searching
for something to find.

What about you, slim?

What are you looking to find?

Ah, me? Nah.

Not looking for anything, just,
buddy, desert air.

- I'm thinking I'd love...
- When I was a child...

I think it was like
the second, third grade.

There was this little blind boy.

And he always used to sit right
next to the door every day.

I remember the other kids used
to treat him different.

Kind of like he was
an outcast, you know,

because of his inability
to do one thing

that everyone else can do.

You know, kids
are cruel like that, man.

They're afraid of difference,

afraid of stuff
they don't understand.

One time, the teacher
was telling us

this bullshit story about
the first Thanksgiving.

We all know how
that really went down.

And this giant mouse
just ran across the floor.

And this girl screeched.

And the teacher,
she hopped up on the desk,

and so we all hopped up
on the desks.

You know? I remember I looked
over on top of my desk

and the little blind boy was
just sitting there,

cool as a cucumber,
just chillin'.

He put his fingers to his lips,
he went, shh.

What is it, Steven?

What do you want to tell us?

And the little boy cocked
his head to listen.

He said "I think
he's in the wastebasket."

So the teacher hopped off
the desk

and she snuck over there,

opened the lid,

and there was this giant mouse
just staring right up at her.

His is little foot stuck
in a piece of gum.

Couldn't get out.

So the teacher dumped
the wastebasket out the window

and the kids went nuts,
we all applauded,

and then the teacher
looked over at him and smiled.

You know that boy was blind,
but I know he felt that smile.

That boy also

turned out to be Stevie Wonder.

Incredible.

Except that there's no way
that boy was Stevie Wonder.

Yep.

The Magic Man himself.

Ah, nope, not possible.

- Okay.
- I believe it was Stevie.

I think he wrote
a song about it.

The question is not

whether or not
the boy was Stevie.

Which it was.

The question is,
what is it inside you

that makes it possible
for you to believe

that it may not be Stevie?

You didn't grow up in Detroit

in the 50s during
the rise of Motown,

so those would be my starting
reasons for that. I don't know.

You know what?

I'm gonna let you
boys in a little secret.

Everything that you guys
have come out here to find

is right back
where you came from.

In the sweet maiden,
the City of Angels.

Come on, Eddy.

We wouldn't be out here
if that was true.

You're a rebel, an outcast.

Always marching
to the beat of your own drum.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh...

But the beat of that
drum constantly brings me back

to that great city teacher.

Her wisdom is the key
to wealth, success,

lust... right?

All that fleshy desire.

Love. What else do you want?

My true love is the world.

In all of its glory.

The world sucks.

I think it'd be better out here.
All alone.

Everything hurts back there.

It's all rejection.

What glory can you even gain?

Everything does hurt.

We're not gods, we're mortals
in this modern age,

and thus we must numb the pain

with all the things
that money can buy.

Or you can just turn it off.

You know in that great city,

you can get lost.

And you can be alone,

if you want.

Just blissfully unaware

that you're constantly
being called to wake up.

To wake up.

To wake up.

To wake up.

To wake up...

To wake up...

Wake... up.

Wake up. Wake up.

Preoccupy ourselves
with a shiny little trinket.

Turned out to be Stevie Wonder.

Should give us plenty of time
before these kick in,

it'll be fine.

See it through.

I hope you find what
you're looking for.

Have a great trip.

It's a Tamagotchi.

Dive into the unknown.

Confront your inner demons.

Get weird with the new Brent
and Tip

Spirit Quest action dolls.

Whoa, cool. I love toys.
Let's set it up.

Launch headfirst into problems

that may only exist
in your mind.

Spooky.

And the first roadblock

you encounter. Oh no!

- Let's get high.
- On the verge

of making your
dreams come true?

- Yeah.
- Create new ones

to divert and
distract yourself.

Whoa, nice car!

Before the truth
can set you free,

- you've got to get miserable.
- Miserable?

I don't like getting miserable.

Toys, toys, toys,
loving toys. Yeah.

Welcome back, Figureheads.

Oh, today we are looking at
the limited edition

Brent and Tip's Spirit Quest
action dolls,

by Blind Chaperone Toys.

Blind Chaperone Toys.

Derivative, yes, and poorly done
from a technical standpoint.

What balances out
the shortcomings in these dolls

is a sense of awareness
and honesty.

A statement is being made.

Let's check them out.

Toy review.

Let's start with the Tip doll.

Tip designed this doll himself,

dip decided to go
with a Raggedy Ann base.

This doll has no backbone.
Very malleable, very mushy.

The fashion is actually

pretty accurate,
but that's so surface.

Why's Tip not going
deeper below that?

The hair is bright orange
and too short, soft.

It is not something you want
to run your hands through.

Doughy. The mouth is essentially

a butthole with antlers,
unattractive.

Would I buy this doll?

Maybe not, but it will surely
appeal to someone out there.

Now the Brent doll.

As you see here,
Brent used a Thanos base.

Much shorter than Tip's doll.

There's a lot more bulk here.
There's a lot more muscle.

Fun fact about this doll,
it does a Van Damme split.

Brent kind of sees himself as
the action man of his own life.

Mm.

I'm loving the signature
backwards cap.

I've never seen Brent without
it. This is a fun choice.

Look at this fun choice,
this astronaut glove.

Can you even? Try to even.

The face here, the expression
is very intense, very angry.

I actually don't think Brent is
as angry as this doll

would make it seem.
Oh, identity crisis.

But overall,
it's a very well done doll.

I will say I am sexually
attracted to this doll.

Toy interview.

And so, as a special treat
for our 2,000th episode,

I know, I'll be interviewing

the inspiration
for those fantasy dolls,

the spirit questers themselves,
Brent and Tip.

Well, gentlemen, thanks
for being back on the show.

- Thank you for having us.
- Back on the show?

People are loving this journey.
I'm loving this journey.

Don't think that means
I'll go easy on you.

Well, we're not here
for a walk in the park.

I might be.

Tip, where do you think
your racism stems from?

Brent, your misogyny?

Brent, When do you
think you'll finally

stop compensating for you size?

Tip, when do you think
you'll finally accept yours?

Navaris, if I may,
there are two ways to put

a flag at half-mast.

One is to lower the flag.

And the other is
to raise the pole.

Foster Wallace,
don't try to impress me.

If I can jump in. I'd like
to conjecture I'm not racist.

You were saying how edgy
you've been since, you know,

Jess headed off to Kilimanjaro.

Oh, no. That wasn't about that.

I'm good with all folks,
with all walks of life.

- Love thy neighbor as thyself.
- Yes, exactly.

- Here's a good seat for you.
- Right in your lap.

- You are a doll.
- Thank you.

- Blessed.
- Okay.

Being unable to stand
for yourself,

how can you expect
to stand for others?

What podcast are we currently...

I thought the costumes
came out really great.

You chose this. You couldn't
find any white action figures?

In his defense. A girl just
broke his heart, you know,

obliterated his psyche.

No, no, listen.
It's good. You're right.

I have to do better.
I have to set examples...

Okay, God complex. Grow up.

You're a man, not a martyr.
Get over yourself.

I never said I was a god.

And as his spirit guide
and his guru, if you will,

he does have
some transcending to do.

There's no god in me.
All right? I never said that.

I never claimed that there's
any god in me. All right?

Don't worry. Don't worry.
Trust me. No god in here.

What are you saying?

Well, it doesn't
feel good. So...

What happened after was
terrible.

He tore the broaches,
the gold broaches

fastening her gown
away from her.

And lifting them high, he dashed
them upon his own eyes,

tricking out such things as

"they will not see the crime
I have committed

or had done upon me."

If the whole body were an eye,
how would one hear?

1 Corinthians 12:17.

Thanks, man. That's helpful.

"Dark eyes, now when the days
to come look on forbidden faces,

do not recognize
those who they longed for."

With such imprecations,
he struck his eyes again.

And yet again with the broaches.
The eyeballs...

Come on big baby, just do it.

And stained his beard.

You big spineless,
boneless baby.

- No sluggish, oozing drops.
- Bye, eyeballs.

- While black rain...
- Bye-bye.

...and bloody hail poured down!

This is good for me.

Get the eye on the plate.

This will be good for me.

Stevie Wonder.

Brent?

Yeah, I see you. What?
What are doing?

That sounded pretty
real, though, right?

It was really good...

I've been working
on my bird calls.

I found a magical doorway
up at the top there.

I feel like we
should check it out.

I'm gonna check it out.

Okay, all right. All right.
All right, fine.

Well, okay. I mean,
but you can't drop that

and then not tell me what
that means. It's a big one.

Do you find you have like weird
dreams when we're together?

I've been having weird dreams.

I don't usually have...

When you say magical doorframe,
what are you talking about?

I mean, like an actual doorframe
in the middle of nowhere.

Not a metaphorical drug
term or anything like that?

No, like real
wooden post, top beam.

Real deal doorway.

Like, it used to lead
into a room, maybe?

Exactly.

Okay, that's cool.
That's pretty cool.

Oh, that's very cool.
It's a doorway.

Yeah, that's what I've
been saying.

Right. I had to see it, though.
You know what I mean?

So we're definitely
going through there.

Feels like that's
where this is going for sure.

Oh, yeah.

That's disappointing, man.

Not quite yet, my tiny dancer.

It's not that magical
a doorway, though,

is all I'm saying, you know.

...and give thanks.

We wish also to make amends
for the insults to which

your vicar and earthly priest...

Friar Tall. Welcome.

How are your studies
and ruminations? Fruitful?

Very, very fruitful.
Thank you, Father.

Friar Small will be
leaving us tomorrow

to begin his mission.

He will leave this monastery

and go to
the chapel of St. Peter

at the border of
the New Mexico Territory.

Well, well, well, someone didn't
finally get a real job for once.

Looks like it's not all counting
flowers and logging

the wine casks after all, hmm.

- Friar Tall.
- A little sip sip here,

sip there.
Make sure it's fermented.

- Friar Tall.
- What's the matter,

cat got your tongue?

Friar Small will be taking
an oath of silence

for the duration of his journey.

Oh, wow.

Completely mute.

I'm hoping to
work up to a vow like that.

I'm fasting right now.
Only after 8 pm.

Small vows. Baby vows.

The elders and I
have deliberated,

and we have decided that you
shall accompany Friar Small

- on his journey.
- How's that?

His migrating prayer of silence

will bring light to this
war-torn corner

of the world and you

will protect him and help him
maintain his vow to God.

Protect him from what?

Our last conveyance
between here and St. Francis

was disrupted by the Apache
and Spanish conflict.

Disrupted?

The entire party killed.

Dear God.

Exactly. Let us pray.

Oh, Lord,
You are the holy, the light.

Bring us in and through,
all the way through.

You sick sadistic
sad little man.

Wants to be the shining star.
Father's favorite.

Have all the sisters in
a tizzy over his piousness.

Oh, merciful God...

Get ready to have your dick be
vulture meat, we're dead.

I'll be a big useless
baby out there.

Whaa, whaa, daddy help me.

I don't do well on the heat.
I mean, I wilt.

- I don't like feeling thirsty.
- Friar Tall.

Oh, make me an instrument of
your peace, Lord.

Make me an
instrument. Yes, father?

My brothers.

Normally when
entering the desert,

one would encourage
you to be careful of

wild tribes or venomous snakes.

But I say to you remember Moses.

It is that vast emptiness

of this terrain that can be
the most dangerous

to those men who mirror it.

All I'm saying is
you missed out, Jessica Baby.

Majorly wrong decision.

What will go down is one of
the best nights of all time.

One of the best nights.

First of all, not that it's
a major factor, but it is.

Mr. Weatherburns'
secretary called,

says Mr. Weatherburns is not
gonna make it in by five,

can he come pick up
his car up at six?

Excuse me.
Do you mind if you come

closer to six?

All right, all right.
Well, I said I'm sorry.

But my girl's pregnant.
She's been craving pork loin.

And the only quality butcher on
the West Side closes at 5:30.

It's a 15-minute drive
from the garage.

So where's my pork loin?

Tomorrow, we'll get it tomorrow.

I'm just saying,

I just don't think you should
be using the baby as a lie, man.

Ex-fucking-scuse me!

Did you or did you not roll
through Hollywood tonight

in a neon green 300 horsepower
Corvette Stingray with AC?

I think you know that I did.
And not that it was the major

triumph of the night.

But I drove.

I'm talking Sunset Boulevard,
PCH to Highland, no brakes.

You boys are going
to kill each other.

It was all greens, baby.

There were a few reds,
couple reds.

Yeah, but no reds and no blue.

Yeah, not that it's
a major factor.

Anyway, so we pull up to
the Greek, we valet the car

with some cash we found in
the glove box. We drop the tabs.

And we roll inside.

Did Dr. Dixon supply the goods?

He always does, baby,

but I wish he hadn't,
because now we know

were his stash is.

Was just me,
or did "Superstition"

come out of nowhere tonight?

What the fuck did you just say?

"Superstition."

I mean, we pulled up to this
theater, right,

and we beelined it straight
for center stage.

And as we're working through
that fog, that riff comes in

and it's like
the whole joint just landed.

Wait a minute,

is there something going on
between my best friend

and my old lady?

Something intimate.

How could it be that something
as sinister is stealing

another man's girl could go
so completely unnoticed?

I got this paranoia
she's turning

my body into an antenna,

looking for any excuse
to broadcast!

Come on, cool it, baby.

What the fuck is this game?
Come on, now.

Some kind of toll I got to pay

for him saving
my life back in the shit?

At least he says he did.
He says he did.

For now, I need to keep
my wits about me

until the job is done.

But rest assured, if these
premonitions do come to pass,

I will be ready.

I will be waiting.

Dammit.
I did miss out.

I love that one.

I'm glad you got some rest.

It's supposed to be
good for the baby, right?

- All right.
- All right, all right.

Hey, hook me up with
that tasty tasty salt I like.

Ok.

I'll take
some tasty salt myself.

Thank you, Jessica.
That's perfect.

So what was it in for anyway?

What was what in for?

Mr. Weatherburn's Corvette.

What was it in for?

A flat tire.

Finally a bit of
a downhill, huh.

Thank you, God. You know?

I just thought we were gonna
climb and climb,

and just... it's tiring.

I mean, I know it's part of
the process, but it is.

Can we just say
that it's tiring?

The downhill hurts
my joints, though.

Oh, man, this divot's
kind of insane.

Didn't want to roll
my ankle in that.

Can you imagine? You'd have
to carry me or something.

I guess we'd turn back.
We'd probably turn.

If we got a rolled ankle,
we would turn back, right?

Hey, so the Christmas Solstice
talent show.

I mean, assuming we make it back
and, you know,

don't get
an arrow through the neck

or something like that.

I'm thinking I'll sign up,
you know, maybe just,

you know,
because I'm always...

Just to,
not to crack jokes, but,

you know, just to be
a mirror to the community.

You know, just let me know,
I'll just feel your energy.

Um, celibacy, huh?

What's that about? Not that
I don't think it's noble.

Very noble, one of the purest
sacrifices you can make to God.

I just sometimes I think
it would be selfish

if a specimen such as myself to
deprive the world of his seed.

What do you think?
Pretty good, right?

Your silence says
everything I need to know.

I'm very perceptive.
That's the thing about me,

is I sense an energy.

Like when I put something out
there I immediately can tell,

oh, he's vibing on it,
he's not vibing on it.

On the joke.

Okay.

Just gonna look around,
yep, a lot to see.

So what do we think,
are involuntary guttural noises

in violation of your oath?

Because if so, last night,
that would be over, padre.

I mean, there were more
harmonies going on

than a Gregorian chant.

That tight little ass of yours
was like St. Gabriel's horn.

I mean, it was smokier than
Father Delay's chamber in there.

Over the fire pit and all.

You know what I mean? Hey,

I thought we doing
a meditation break,

you know, a quick fiver.

Come on, man.

I'm getting tinkles
all over my robe.

Small, this is madness. I mean,

won't you allow yourself
anything?

Come on.
I know we had our differences,

but I'm worried about you.

Actually, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

If you knew something,
something shameful

about one of the other friars,
would you go to Father Delay?

I mean, it's not a huge sin,
but it would be looked down upon

and tarnish the everlasting
glory that comes from our Lord.

I'm so mad. You know,

if I hadn't snuck out of
mass five minutes early,

I would have seen what I saw

and my conscience
would be clean.

But no such luck. You know?

I was so hungry because I've
been fasting in the mornings.

Know what I mean?

Spiritual conflict.

I don't want to
turn a brother in.

But I don't want to face
judgment if it comes out

that I knew of
a brother's falseness.

What do you think I should do?

Okay, I don't...

I don't think I know
what that means.

Oh, well, I'm definitely telling
Father Delay about that one.

Okay, well,

I can tell you're
proud of yourself.

I can see by the way
you're walking.

Your sandals are squeaky.

It's fucking weird.

Come on. Here we go.

Come on, run, piggies!

Oh, shit. Leave me, man.
Oh, you know what? I'm okay.

Dude!

We're so fucked, man.

Look, I want you to take this,
get back to Jess.

- See your son born.
- No way, man.

This money's not worth
the risk of running with it.

You got more to live for than
I do, alright? Now get going.

I'll cover you.

I'm not that fast, man.
And you're not that good shot.

We're both gonna end up
dead in the sand.

This ain't time to argue
about the odds.

It's either dead here
or dead out there, maybe.

Which one do you want?

No, man.
I can't leave you to this.

Don't count me out just yet.

All right. I gotcha.
Now keep going.

- Okay, man.
- Here we go.

- I'm doing it.
- Here we go.

- Hey Red, Red, Red.
- Yeah. What?

You'll be one hell of a father.
I want you to know that.

- Mad dogs for life.
- Mad dogs for life.

All right. Okay, go!

Fuck you, pigs!

- You get it, man.
- Here we go. Wait, Red.

What you need,
a joke or something?

Just tell Jess thanks
for me or whatever. All right.

- Okay?
- Okay.

You're just...

- Thank you.
- Here we go.

All right, man.

You're not gonna get me, copper!

Okay, but like, what kind of...

What kind of things are we
talking about?

- What?
- Like, thank you for being

an amazing partner
to your best friend, thanks.

Yeah, sure. Whatever.
That's fine.

Sure, okay.
Or like, thanks for being

the love of your life thanks?

I only got six bullets
in this gun. Okay?

- You're a perfect shot.
- They'll be on our tail.

I'm a motherfucking roadrunner.
What kinds of thanks?

Forget about it. All right?

Thanks for that
extra special seasoning

on your Hungry Man dinner plate?

Oh, you better watch it, son.

Thanks for sprinkling it

so liberally on
your reheated meatloaf?

Thanks for fucking
my brains out,

is that what you wanna hear?

- Is that my boy in there?
- Yeah.

- I fucked him, too.
- What the fuck!

Red. Buddy.

Shit!

Hey buddy, listen.

I'm gonna get over to Jess,
I'll take care of her all right

and that baby boy.

It wasn't how it
was supposed to be.

We're not walking
in circles, all right.

We may be walking in
the opposite direction

of the original direction
we were walking,

but it's not a circle.

So you're saying
we're lost, is all?

No, we're not lost.
We're just wandering.

We're going to go in
the wrong direction.

Now we're heading
into probably the right.

So we can talk about
the campfire last night?

Your buddy Eddy,
what's the deal with him?

Eddy.
Eddy's a wild guy, man.

He's got a strange history.

He actually is the VP of
a tech company in Venice.

One day he just traded it
all in and bought a van.

I don't think he's going back.

Oh, that's heavy.

But he seems nice, too,
maybe, I guess.

Why'd you tell me
I could wear Birkenstocks

when we did this thing?

Some hiking boots would
have been awesome, man.

We definitely just came down
that downhill, so...

Car must be this way.
Brent, let's do it. Brent?

You just want to go up
that one again.

Come on. The launch point is
right up here.

It's a completely
different hill.

Look at the terrain.

I'm getting blisters, man.
Come on.

It's not much further.
Just got to get over this hill.

Is that a hawk?

No dude,
it's a fucking vulture.

I don't think there
are vultures out here.

I don't know what
Kilimanjaro is like, dude.

I mean, I assume it's jungle,
maybe it's snow-capped peaks.

You know what I mean?

I just can't picture what Jess
would be wearing, it's like,

I was imagining her,
like, picturing her,

and it was like we were
hiking, running, you know?

And then it clicked
that obviously,

she's probably got more gear
than that, I think,

but I have no idea what.

Carabiners, ski poles,

definitely a sun visor
of some sort.

I mean, at that altitude,

sun protection
is super important.

I'm gonna fucking kill you, man.

- What? Why?
- At that altitude sun protection

- is super important.
- It is.

How about the fucking
desert, Brent?

Well, why don't we
take a deep breath.

No, I don't want to calm down.
I don't want to breathe

through it, all right?
I don't want to look closer.

Because all I see is sand, man.
I mean, I'm trying,

but then I zoom in. Oh, good.

There's more sand it's really
fucking chalky.

Wow, man. Whoo.

- Yeah, you forgot dirty?
- What?

The sand,
it's fucking dirty too.

Inexplicably the sand itself
is fucking dirty.

It's not nice clean sand.
It's gross.

Okay? Probably from some
power plant, or maybe from

our dirty ass car from
the dirty city we drove in from.

Oh but please, let me use
the last little bit of water

I have in my system to clean
it for you.

What are you...

There we go. Yeah. Oh, you
like that? Is that nice?

Is that better sand for you?

- What is this?
- Look, I'm not Jess,

I didn't pack your snack, little
sliced oranges or whatever.

Alright? I'm just
another person out here,

but by all means,
if you need a sand polisher.

Here we go.

Oh yeah, that's much better.

Nice chalky, wet,
covered in spit sand.

- I mean, that's fucking gross.
- Oh, far be it from me,

far be it for me to think
that I can make one little spot

on this earth acceptable to you.

I'm sorry that this weekend
didn't give you enough headspace

that you were looking for.
This is what I had to offer.

No, dude, it's not.

- No?
- This is what you like, man.

You like coming here
and getting high as balls

and seeing shit and spinning
things and being Mr. Positive.

- I'm Mr. Enlightened guru.
- So what, that's me.

If you don't like it
why did you come out here?

Every other word out of
your mouth is embrace this,

embrace that,
surrender to the fear.

That's really easy
for you to be saying, man,

because you're not doing
any of it.

You're not afraid of taking
drugs and getting high.

You're afraid of being sober
and living your life.

You've got
this infectious positivity,

you got this unique worldview,

you're an absolute
joy to be around.

- You better watch it.
- Life fucking moves, man.

And I can't feel good anymore

laughing along to
the same shit coming out of you

out here when I feel like it
ought to be growing.

Happening more than
one weekend a year

for an audience of one friend.

It's really fucking sad, man.
And I'm done.

Good luck. Have fun.

- You're done?
- Yeah.

- You know what, fine.
- Have a good quest, dude.

I don't need you anyways.

Fuck your sand.

Hey, man, have a good
enlightenment.

I will.

Hey. What's up?

Open the door. Open the door.

Dude, you're awake.

Yes. What are you doing here?
And what are you wearing?

It's night ride time, baby.
Come on.

Let's go. Let's get out there.

I'm not going for a
bike ride with you

in the middle of the night.

- That's insane.
- Why not?

You're up.
Get dressed. Let's go.

May I use your bathroom?
I downed a lot of Kombucha

and I gotta go pee-pee.
Thank you.

There he is.

Sorry, I didn't. I didn't
have my Tour De France outfit,

but this is the best I could do.

You look great. You look
like you're ready to go.

I haven't ridden a bike
in like two or three years.

What are we doing? We're going
maybe three blocks, turn around?

Just like 13 miles.

Thirteen miles, okay.

You're not serious
about 13 miles.

- What's that?
- We're not really doing

13 miles though, right?

Just come along.
See how it goes for you.

Dude, slow down.

There he is.

Dude, you did it.
How do you feel, man?

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm pretty sure I'm
gonna pee blood tomorrow.

You might, but dude, you just
accomplished something.

You did something while
the rest of the city just

wasted their life sleeping.

Is that what this is about?

You do this so you can feel
superior to everybody?

Yeah, I think so.

Come on.
The next part's downhill.

I've never told you about
the Santa Monica massacre.

No, dude.

Come on, dude. It was it was
right after we moved out here

and I was eating at Ultra Roscoe

and I got the three enchilada
cheese plate

that I always do, rice, beans.

I don't know why...

I don't know
why either, man,

it's always the same end game.

I looked down and I pull my
sweatpants up,

and I have shit covering

the back of my gray
Colorado State sweat pants.

I mean, it's everywhere.

I see my escape route.
I take it.

- Yeah.
- And then only what

I can describe as an act of God.

When I turn the corner,

who is there standing eye
to eye blocking my path

but Jessica Biel?

- I mean, I just sprinted.
- Oh, no.

I just took off.

- I didn't look back.
- Did you guys make eye contact?

Oh, yeah, she looked straight,
straight into my soul.

And said there's something
wrong with this one.

Nothing could be more perfect.
I've had a crush on her

- since like sixth grade.
- Dude, that's 7th Heaven,

you were always, like,
keeping me up to date.

I can't go to that store
and I can't meet Jessica Biel.

Dude, you can't ever
meet her again.

No, no, no.

- What if you did?
- You look familiar...

What are those
nervous eyes from?

- Who was it?
- You.

I'd say, definitely one of
the worst days of my life.

- I'm so sorry, man.
- Yeah.

I did not see that happening.

I can't believe you've
never told me this.

But then again,
I completely understand.

I'm glad I told you now.

We're just gonna go up here.
I gotta show you something.

You're gonna dig it.

It's just up the ways
a little bit.

Couple more hills, no big deal.

This is Ringo Starr's house.

This is Ringo Starr's house?

Yeah, dude.

One of the Beatles. One of the
motherfucking Beatles lives

right there and it's probably
100 feet that way to his bed,

stretched out after a long day,
spread peace and love, baby.

I don't know, man. He's probably

got a couple
of different houses.

Dude. I'm telling you
he's in there.

Don't fight me on this.

He's in there.

I bet you he's in there.

What if he is just in
his kitchen making a sandwich?

Ringo hungry.

Help. I've got the munchies.

Where's the turkey bowl?

Turkey on sourdough.

- Oh, spicy brown mustard.
- Spicy brown mustard.

Maybe some crisp lettuce,
couple of tomato slices.

Maybe two kinds of cheese.

He loves his cheese.
Ringo loves his cheese.

Ringo loves his cheese.

And he's sitting down at his
island at 4:30 in the morning

taking a bite of his sandwich
like a motherfucking champ.

That sounds like
a pretty good sandwich.

All right, let's do it.

I'm almost ready.

I'm ready when you are.

True treasure of
the night ride, man.

A little sunrise action
for those up to take it in.

I don't know if I've ever seen
a sunrise in Los Angeles.

Intentionally. I don't
know if I've ever

gotten up intentionally
to see it.

I've been here
for, like, 10 years.

It's good, right?

You can do that every day
if you want.

Thank you, man.

I did not want
to be solo tonight.

Today would have been
Tip Harrington's Senior's

67th birthday.

Happy birthday, dad.

We used to ride up here all
the time together,

look out over the city.

Just like we are now. You know?

I did it by myself
for the last two years. But...

tonight I just did not want
to do it solo.

When dad got really sick, man,
we tried everything.

Flew around the country try to

talk to specialists, doctors,
and all that jazz.

Then I heard about this
Native American shaman

out on the Navajo reservation
who had a cleansing ritual.

It sounds so stupid, but I was
like so sure it would work.

That it could be a hinge.

Like he'd still have to go do

chemo at Cedars and everything,
but this would create

an openness for healing,
if he was willing to do it.

So we're sitting there

in this tent for five hours,

sweat, heat, steam, sage.

You know, just trying to feel it
in your lungs.

And at one point, the flap
opens and I can see in there

for the first time in hours.

And I realize, I'm sitting up
real high where the steam is.

All the Indian dudes are like
crouched down low where it's

like just a little bit cooler,
and they're just relaxed,

and they're not fighting it.

I look at dad and he's up
where I am too, you know,

eyes closed,

trying really hard

not to die.

Not succeeding.

I don't know. But in that
moment, I saw it wasn't working.

And then all the medical jargon,
all the classifications,

all that stuff, it was just
like this guy's incanting,

it was just gobbledygook.

And it was hurting him.

I saw it in his eyes.

They opened before the flap
closed and I was like, oh,

you said yes to this, because
you thought it would help me.

I got him out there and I
must have seemed all pissy,

because the elder guy,
he, like, grabbed my arm

and stopped his chant
and muttered something to me.

I just stormed out and
got dad to the car,

and his nephew,

he followed us out there, man,

and he just kind of watched

as I tried to get dad
comfortable in the car.

I don't know why, but I, like,
right before we left,

I stormed over and I was like,

"Hey, what did he
say to me back there?"

You know? "What was that about?"

And he just said,

"a great wind flies
across the sky."

That was the final advice.
The great words of wisdom.

"A great wind
flies across the sky."

Dad went to hospice
two weeks later.

Died pretty quick after that.

I've never told anyone that.

Hey, would you stand up?

Please?

A great wind

flies across the sky!

A great wind
flies across the sky!

"Let's just
come out to the desert.

"Yeah, let's just go
out to the desert

and have a really good time."

"Oh, it'll clear your head."

Oh, yeah.

Just stupid.

That's a fucking joke.

Where were all of you yesterday?

I can't get one tire, huh?

C'mon.

"The end is now."

Okay.

"The search for self
starts with self."

Who would've done this?

"Call Randy's mom."

Well, well, well.

Looks like you finally made it.

Did you find
what you were looking for?

You crafty motherfucker.

The writing on the tires is

the same as the graffiti
at the rest stop.

I told you,
I come out here all the time.

- You set this whole thing up?
- Oh yeah.

You knew I was miserable,
stuck inside myself.

That's not hard to identify.

You knew I had to get out
of the city.

A couple of desert boys.

I had to get out of my head.

That's where
the mushrooms come in.

So you made sure there's no
spare on the Jeep,

but when did you
deflate the tire?

Wait, did I deflate the tire?

Oh, but you had ample time.

I mean, you could have done it

when I was going
to the bathroom,

when I was taking
one of my naps.

You do go to the bathroom a lot.

Man, I was having
some weird dreams too.

Even before we took the drug.

The drugs weren't real.

- The drugs were very real.
- The drugs were very real.

Okay. You highlight
my inability to take control,

plunging me
into a phantasmagoria

with kooky characters
and hallucinogens.

All the while stoking
my sense of fear and isolation.

Okay, so that
I definitely did do.

- Now we're back on track.
- Only to bring me here.

To this...

...altar to shared failure?

And in doing so, bring me
to the realization that...

many before me
have walked the path.

You've walked the path.

And without lessening my pain,

you've lessened my isolation
and judgment about it.

Very good.

Thank you, man.

You're welcome.

Glad you could finally come

to all those realizations
on your own.

So is Jess a part
of this, or is she...

Oh, no. She's gone for sure.

She's definitely
on that mountain.

But in addition to

all of those tasty realizations
with the graffiti

and, you know, all this
other stuff you said...

I hid this tasty joint.

Which I doth presenteth to thou,

in celebration that the questeth
doth cometh to a closeth.

- Just light the joint.
- I'm just gonna light it.

I wasn't gonna try to do
like a quest eulogy type deal.

It was cool, but you don't
know anything about

- that world, you know?
- No, I don't think so.

That's how you finish
the quest right there.

It's actually called quest.

There was really no point.

You didn't have an inkling

I might've been up to something?

And I was so scared
when the tire popped.

I thought we were just
going around the desert.

What was Eddy giving us?
Was that molly?

No, he's been doing for so long,

he kinda has his own, actually.

It was a good time, man.

- Yeah. Glad we did this.
- Yeah.

I had a lot of fun
planning it, you know?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You're quite the Houdini.

Oh, it wasn't that hard

because you were pretty
oblivious to most things.

Oh, wow.

Oh, man. Well, I'm gonna miss
this, I'll tell you what.

Help me get a couple more, yeah?

I think it's perfect.

Let's head back.

You know, you do
what you can, I mean,

I wanted to go
all the way out there.

And you just gotta accept.

This is the quest.

Dude, I feel good.

I feel like a big baby bear
just came out of hibernation.

Oh yeah. Big old black
bear coming out for the winter.

Just rolling out
of my den.

Oh my God. What was in that
old joint you rolled?

Like a Sativa,
a little CBD, hybrid strain.

Like the Labradoodle of joints.

Exactly. Like, classy.
You can get it in

mini and regular standard size.

Oh I love this fucking
desert sun too.

Doesn't it feel good?

Where's the Jeep? What happened
to the flat tire, Brent?

What flat tire?

"What flat tire." Come on. You
got one more curveball for me.

What, Eddy switched the cars.
Eddy?

Bring her out,
bring the Jeep around.

Call Randy's mom.

No, nope. Don't do that.

I told you I'm
burning clean energy.

Okay, I'm feeling assembled,
don't break it all apart.

Are you...

what did you put in that joint?
Peyote? Huh?

Is that what we're doing?

- Call Randy's mom.
- Let's break it apart.

Let's break the whole
fucking thing apart.

Yeah, let's get weird.

The quest is over.
You need to realize this.

The quest is over. I'll come
back out another weekend.

Call Randy's mom.

I'm done, quest is over.

Call Randy's mom?
You call Randy's mom.

This is so simple.

Me. Now. You.

It's hidden in plain sight.

Friar Tall, get over yourself.

I can't say I remember
the age it was

when the
supposed-to-bes of the world

first fell before my eyes like a
tattered piece of Oz's curtain.

But I remember that
when it did all melt away,

what held me together
was the old songs.

And this by far is
the oldest one I know.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull