Original subtitles

[Jayden] Ugh. There's never anything on TV.

- Hey, everyone. - What's up?

Hey, Claire. When does your sister get here?

I wanna change into something a little less blah.

- She'll be here any minute. - Oh. So I have time.

You guys are gonna love Chelsea. She's like a genius.

She's been in college since high school.

Guest room is ready.

I removed the stale energy with a crystal and the carpet stain with a Tide pen.

Thanks, Solana. I can't wait! Chelsea's moving to L.A. I'm so excited.

If you're excited, I'm excited. And that's really exciting.

I don't wanna overwhelm her.

She's staying for a few days until her boyfriend meets her.

Boyfriends are so slow.

When our parents separated, Chelsea and I grew apart, and ever since then,

being close to her is all I've ever wanted.

It's so important to dream.

And now is our chance

to finally connect and become sister best friends forever.

SBFFs.

[doorbell rings]

She's here!

Already? No, no, no, I haven't changed!

- Chelsea! - Hi. Whoa.

I missed you too.

Come in! Come in! Make yourself at home.

Thank you again for letting me stay here.

Of course, Chelsea.

It really is so generous.

I bought you a Victorian tea kettle as a token of my appreciation.

But it broke into a thousand pieces during my flight.

So I got you this I Heart L.A. Traffic mug,

which I'm told is microwave-safe.

It's beautiful.

- Wow, your house is amazing. - Yeah. We got a great deal

because we're subletting from the subletter's house sitter.

Chelsea, look at what I got.

It's a puffy paint T-shirt making station!

Oh, I didn't know you were still babysitting.

Oh, no, it's for us.

We can decorate them and write our names on them just like when we were kids.

Oh, that's sweet.

I find I wear T-shirts emblazoned with my name across it less these days.

Right. Right. It's stupid. We don't have to.

- Come meet everyone. - Okay.

- Hi. - Chelsea, this is Grant.

He's a personal trainer. We used to date, but we had a mutual breakup.

- So now we're roommates. - How French.

Actually Nebraska.

Nebraska, U.S.A.

- It's so great to meet you. - Oh, wow, you're very shirtless.

And hard.

No. That's just its resting size.

This is Solana. She used to be a lawyer, but she quit to become a healer.

Oh. That's a time-tested career shift.

So happy to share physical space with you.

I'm sensing you feel uncomfortable.

You're good.

I'm gonna make you a garlic turmeric lemon shot.

- That's really not necessary. - You'll drink it.

Okay.

- This must be Claire's sister. - That's me.

It is so wonderful for you to finally meet me.

Jayden Jay J. Michael Jiang,

but you probably know me by my handle @JaydenJayJMichaelJiang.

- Jayden's an influencer. - Oh, cool.

I'm actually not on social media.

What...? Then how do you see how many likes you got?

That's a good one.

Oh, you weren't...?

Oh, my God, Claire.

They're all just like you.

Aw. Thanks, sis!

Wow, I am so glad you have this guest room because I am just beat after that flight.

Yeah. You must be.

So...

So hop in.

Okay.

- [bed creaks] - Oh, oh, sorry.

We've gotta fix that.

I heard wobbling.

- Pretend I'm not here. - Thanks, Grant.

Okay, so, what should we do?

- Um, let's play Truth or Dare. - I'm sorry. I'm just really tired.

- Of course. Of course. - Yeah.

- It's such a great way to catch up. - Okay, one truth.

Yay! Okay.

Um, how did you meet your boyfriend?

Oh, Dwayne.

Well, it was my first day at my new class

in 15th Century Comparative South American Literature

across Multiethnic Diasporic Migrations, so obviously I was already excited.

Excuse me. Do you want us to get off the bed?

Nope. I'm good.

Going up.

You were saying, your first day in Diaper Migrant class?

I'm sorry. Are we just gonna... while he's...?

Okay. So, Dwayne.

Uh, I walk in, I sit down, and he enters.

Tweed sport jacket, red turtleneck, round, nearly invisible jawline.

- Hot. - Coming down.

Yes. He's brilliant.

I began assisting him in his Ph.D. thesis, and we couldn't help but fall in love.

Going up.

So he's wonderful to you, and he really gets you,

and he makes you feel safe to be yourself around him,

and he supports you in pursuing your dreams?

Um...

Yeah.

I mean, up until this point, I've mainly been helping his pursuits,

but now that he's taken a full-time position here at USC,

he's going to support me while I write my novel.

Wow, listening to you two, it's like you've been sisters your whole lives.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Actually, it's a hammer. It's not meant to be sharp.

Besides, we don't have a shed. Or do we, and I just never noticed?

Catch you guys later.

I cannot believe that I'm staying here.

For three whole days.

Three whole days.

Okay, my turn. Truth.

Have I told you about the time that I was briefly the princess of Lichtenstein?

[Claire] And things just got kind of stale with Evan.

And all that initial passion and excitement wore off,

and we were left with nothing but the same boring routines.

- How long were you two together? - Eleven days.

Claire, I'm not gonna tell you this again.

You gotta wait on your tables.

Oops. I forgot. Thanks, Howard.

[sighs] Worst waitress we've ever had.

- But the customers love her. - Of course.

Oh. What are you reading? I'm a bookworm myself. An autodidact, if you will.

Oh, fantastic. I have been yearning for some stimulating discourse.

It's Remembrance of Things Past, his finest, don't you think?

Actually, I haven't gotten to that one yet.

Right now I'm working my way through a tremendous text.

The Da Vinci Code.

Lots of archeology, ancient religion stuff. A lot of people don't get it.

Anyway, I'll leave you to your book.

Oh. Finally some quiet.

Hey, it's Chelsea.

- [Solana] Hey. - Hey.

Chelsea, remember how you mentioned the shed?

Yes. It was a determinative experience.

Right. I triple-checked, and we don't have a shed. It's really weighing on me.

Oh. Grant, that was an off-handed comment.

- I didn't meant for it to be a thing. - No. I'm glad you said something.

It all comes back to the fact that my father got mad

if I didn't put away my toys.

So I used to just shove them under the bed,

which is exactly where I keep my tools.

I got mostly smaller stuff now. A hammer, wrench, pliers.

What if I get a lawn mower? It'll have nowhere to go.

It's just a real bummer.

Sweetie, I get it. My mom used to get mad at me too.

She'd say, "Smile big.

The Tucson Mall fashion show is a launching pad for regional print work."

[cell phone rings]

I have to take this.

Dwayne, thank God.

I can't be around these people. My brain is starting to liquefy.

Can you move your flight up a day? What?

What is it?

Tenure track at Harvard? Oh, my God.

Congratulations, honeydew. This is everything we've ever wanted.

I'll get on a plane as soon as possible. I can't wait of get out of... What?

Sorry, I ordered the seasonal vegetable salad,

and this is a giant steak.

Shoot, I always get those two confused.

Hey, how did your job interview go last week?

Oh. I can't believe you remembered. I actually got it.

Oh, that's amazing.

That's so good to hear. Okay, let's get this order right.

You know what?

I've been vegan for nine years. I could use the iron.

I just got dumped.

By Dwayne.

"The Rock" Johnson?

He wants to embark on this new chapter with a clean slate.

This whole time, he was using me for my female perspective

on Garcilaso de la Vega's ahistoricism!

It's so obvious!

Screw that guy. For real, he doesn't deserve you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I just graduated.

I have no money, no career, no place to live.

I don't why I'm packing. I can't go back.

I can't show my face at the Cambridge Common.

- I'd be a pariah of the intelligentsia! - You're nothing like a piranha.

Piranhas are vicious and impossible to get close to.

Maybe you are like a piranha.

- But in a good way. - This is just not how it's supposed to be.

It's just... It's not how...

- When I first... - Hey, hey! It's okay.

We should think of this as a blessing. We get rid of Dwayne, and...

- And you can live with me. - Claire...

No, it's perfect! We've only just begun our SBFF bonding.

And I'm an expert at the post-breakup ritual. We can eat pizza and drink wine.

We can watch The Princess Diaries 2!

Will you stop? None of those things sound even remotely appealing.

I was just trying to be nice.

Yeah, well, it's easy to be nice when things go your way.

You live in this alternate universe where everything's easy

and everyone falls in love with you, and vegans eat steak.

Meanwhile, I have been toiling my whole life

- for every inch of my academic success. - [woman moaning nearby]

- [Grant] Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Is that...?

That's Grant having sex. Don't change the subject.

It's not my fault that I'm nice and that people like me.

Have you ever noticed how hard I work?

I've had a job since I was 16

while Mom and Dad let you do whatever you wanted!

I couldn't have a job in high school.

The literary criticism debate team traveled.

- [Grant] Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go! - [women giggling]

What is he doing in there?

When you chose to stay with me,

I thought, "Wow, Chelsea and I are finally going to connect."

I didn't choose to stay with you.

I tried everyone I knew in L.A. before calling you.

I mean, this is the last place that I want to be,

as you people would say, "Literally."

Do you know why I wanted to make puffy paint shirts?

Because the last time we did that was my 7th birthday.

It's my favorite memory of us.

It's the way it used to be before you started ignoring me.

You probably don't even, as you people would say, "Recall."

Claire...

- You don't understand. - No, don't tell me what I understand.

You think I'm dumb, but I'm not.

And look around you. I have a job, I have a place to live,

and I have a life that I love.

What do you have?

[door slams]

Wow, thank you.

Yeah, that was amazing, truly.

I'm proud of all of us.

Hoo!

You just never know who you're gonna meet at the grocery store.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I would love to take the place for a month, if that's okay.

And as for rent, I don't have the money, per se,

but I can make up for it in free Latin lessons.

Hello?

Hello?

[speaks in Spanish]

There's something I want you to see.

Your glutes popping after those lunges I showed you?

No, something else. Follow me.

But you're right. They really are.

Okay, close your eyes.

Follow me. You can come too, boo-boo.

Okay, keep them closed.

Okay. I saw how sad you were

about not having a shed for a minute before your threesome,

so I bought you one.

What?

The guy at the store, who, by the way, looked like Paul Giamatti, yum.

Clearly obsessed with me.

He said this is the biggest one they have.

I have the best friends.

And the best shed.

Love you, Grant.

I love you too, man.

Quick pic.

Ooh, yay. I picked this shed color based on my skin tone...

and it's working.

- I can't believe he bought you a shed. - Your friends would do the same.

No, I don't think anyone would buy me a shed.

For a myriad of reasons.

You okay?

Oh. Yeah, I mean, it's just that I have nowhere to go,

and no one to turn to because no one wants me.

I am basically a social piranha.

Oh, God, it's contagious.

You know...

it's funny.

I was really bummed about not having a shed.

And then I had sex with Jane and Tiffany.

And I still felt bummed.

Really? Because it sounded like you were riding Splash Mountain in there.

And now I have a shed.

And don't get me wrong, having a shed is awesome.

But it's not the shed that matters. It's the tools inside it.

Are you teaching me a lesson through the rhetorical device of metaphor?

I don't know.

Because if you are, and tools are friends,

and sheds are the socially constructed expectations of success,

then I have been wasting my time focusing on sheds instead of tools.

Wow, Grant, that's actually really wise.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Really.

Okay. Let's see, needs more...

[door opens]

Hi.

Hi.

Wait, Claire.

Um...

On your 7th birthday,

we made puffy paint shirts.

And yours said "Claire" in bright pink.

And you spilled Cheeto dust all over it.

You do recall!

Yeah. You were crying, you were so upset.

And then you put Cheeto dust all over yours to make me feel better.

Yeah.

You were so sweet back then.

So why'd you stop?

What did I do wrong?

Oh.

No, no, I mean, it...

It wasn't you.

Um...

Do you remember after the divorce,

when Dad used to call all the time and ask for me?

Yeah. He always liked you more.

He wasn't calling to talk to me.

He was calling to tell me what to tell Mom.

And then she'd complain about Dad, and I'd have to interpret it back to him.

They really put me in the middle.

Like Malcolm.

I pulled away because I wanted to protect you from all their petty crap.

And I didn't really know how else to do it.

I had no idea.

Let me show you something.

I was trying to match the original.

Chelsea.

Oh.

Oh, I really did miss you.

I missed you too.

Ooh.

What is that stuff?

It's hibiscus and dandelion root to clear the toxins.

Oh.

Is it working?

No.

Look, I just wanna say thank you to all of you

for letting me live here.

I've never been a tool before.

And it was a great idea turning the shed into a hang zone.

Now it's a shedroom.

'Cause shedroom sounds like bedroom.

- That is so cool. - I love that!

That is so cute!

I'm gonna make popcorn. Does anyone want some?

- Yes. - Sure.

And, Chels, we're gonna have to get you on Insta, right? Yeah, it's time.

Oh, you know what? Again, it's really not for me.

I'm of the emerging perspective that social media creates

a paradigm of vapidness.

I am too. Of that. Uh, too.

You're on social media, aren't you?

What? No, I'm not.

It's okay. I can keep a secret.

Okay, fine. I'm addicted to Instagram. I can't stop.

And I'm a huge Jayden Jay J. Michael Jiang fan.

I almost freaked out when I met him.

He's the reason I bought this plant-based lip balm.

He said it would make my lips as soft as a baby's bottom. And he was right.

Please don't tell anybody, okay? It's my guilty pleasure.

Why would you feel guilty about a pleasure?

Oh.

I never thought of it that way.

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

I'm really looking forward to getting closer to you.

You wanna get close to me?

Of course.

I wanna be close to the woman I love's... sister.

- I'm sorry, did you say "sister"? - Yeah.

Claire. I'm talking about Claire. Your sister, Claire.

- Yeah. - I'm in love with Claire.

I got it.

Um, I just thought the breakup was mutual.

It was, but only for Claire.

- Popcorn. Extra sugar. - Yes!

Okay, Chels. House rule:

You can't eat popcorn unless someone throws it in your mouth.

Yes!

[shouts]

- That was so good! - Grant.

Solana.

Screw it. Hit me.

[all cheering]

[theme music playing]