Original subtitles

Howard!

Just look at him.

Poor thing.

He has no idea

just how much potential he really has.

Trust me, things aren't all so bad for him.

Well, maybe just a bit.

Pack the gun, Howard.

You will need it.

I have to pack my little friend.

Sound speed.

Camera speed.

Production number one, take one.

Hi.

My name is Denise Snyder,

and I'm auditioning for the role of Flowy.

It's Fleaowe.

Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Get it right.

Okay, so I'll be reading with you.

I'm Howard.

Hi.

Nice to meet you. - Yeah, enchanté. Okay.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Fleaowe." - "Commander, what is it?"

Okay, go back to your mark.

I don't know what that was.

Just go back to- - Howard,

just get back to the lines, please.

Howard- - Well, it's her line.

Okay. - Sorry.

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a space kitty!"

"A space kitty?"

"Oh, no, wait."

"It's just an asteroid."

"No, computer."

"How do you frost a cake?"

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

"Voice print confirmed."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe."

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"I'm sorry, Commander."

"But remember, I was in the deep freeze for over 100 years."

See?

She gets it, she gets this line.

Let's continue. - Okay.

"Well, damn!"

"Well, Fleaowe, I will not fail you."

"I forgive you this time."

"So what's your objective?"

"My objective?"

Right, "It's to rescue all the baby space cats,

and bring them home to Scratching Post 4".

"You mean, in 5?"

"Right."

All right, good.

Okay, yeah, great.

Excellent.

And? - "I'm here to serve

all of my Commander's needs." - Okay,

can you do that sexier?

Oh? - Look,

"I'm here to serve all". - Sure.

Yeah, and sort of sexier. - Okay.

All right.

"I'm here to serve all of my Commander's needs this mission,

and physical, if necessary."

How was that?

It was good.

I liked the sexy part.

The sexy part was good.

You're feeling the chemistry?

But it's like there's some chemistry in here, right?

You and I?

Denise, you did

a beautiful job, - I don't know what to say.

Howard, you can't just tell someone

you like the sexy part.

But yes, Denise did a good job.

Yes.

Howard, did you wanna see her do anything else?

Anything but in a sexy tone?

All besides the sexy time?

Yeah, the sexy tone, not time.

Oh, okay. - I'm so sorry, Denise.

Denise, if you wanna try something else,

we can definitely do that.

Let's see.

You've got- - I think I'm good.

I think I'm gonna- - Can we see the

space walk again?

Denise, if you wanna show us

the space walk again, that's fine.

Howard, I think maybe you and I need to talk.

No, I wanna- - Denise, we need

to go, actually.

It's okay.

I actually need to go. - Let's just get goin'.

Okay, she needs- - Yeah, so

bye. - Yeah, but let's just get-

Howard,

for the love of God! - I wanna see

the space walk again. - Thank you.

It was nice meeting you.

It was nice meeting you too, Denise.

I just wanna see- - I am so sorry.

Yeah. - Can you just-

can you space walk out? - Howard,

get behind the camera. - Space walk out,

okay? - Howard.

Jesus Christ, Howard!

What the fuck is your problem.

Don't go after her.

Do not!

No! You stay there. - So we-

We have her information, right?

Do not go after her.

Howard!

Howard! For the love of god, can we cut guys?

Can we just cut?

Because now he's going after our talent.

Great!

You're not gonna get me too, Howard.

♪ Pick up lines express ♪

♪ From Google ♪

♪ 'Cause one thing that your eyes haven't told me ♪

♪ Is your name ♪

♪ What's your name ♪

♪ Do you believe in love at first site ♪

♪ Or should I walk by again ♪

It's Kendra, Howie.

♪ You don't remember me ♪ - This is no podcast.

It's the voice in your head.

♪ In my dreams ♪

♪ Hey girl do you have a GPS ♪

♪ Because I'm lost ♪ - Do you think

going up to the mountains to go off grid

will solve your problems?

♪ And can you step away from the bar ♪

♪ Because you're melting the ice ♪

♪ If you were a booger ♪

♪ I would pick you first ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And are you from Tennessee ♪

♪ Because you're the only 10 I see ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ How are you doing ♪

♪ And baby ♪

♪ How are you doing ♪

♪ 'Cause I would marry your cat just to get into the family ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ How are you doing ♪

♪ 'Cause life without you ♪

♪ Is like a pencil without lead ♪

♪ It's pointless ♪

♪ Pointless ♪

♪ Good thing that I have brought my library card ♪

Fuck you, studio! ♪ Because I'm checking you out ♪

♪ Every step of the way ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ How are you doing ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Oh, shit!

Great.

It's good stuff.

Right there.

Right there.

Up periscope.

♪ Doot-Doo-Doo-do ♪

Okay.

Howard, I told you to hire a hooker,

but you hired a male hooker?

Shut up, you Kartrashian.

My hair's getting stuck in my teeth.

But you had one job, and that's to suck.

And you only had one job, to get hard.

Down periscope.

♪ Doot-Doo-Doo-do ♪

I called the guy to fix the fence.

It's still broken.

No, they take your money.

I'm telling you.

Hi. I'm Hannah. - All right, hold on.

Who are you?

Hey, I'm Hannah, your neighbor next door.

Oh, okay.

Come in.

I'm on the phone.

Yeah, no, the...

No, the asparagus is not good.

No, I'm not gonna make asparagus.

Absolutely not.

Now, I gotta go.

Somebody's at my door.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I gotta go.

Somebody...

No, it's a man.

It's a man.

Okay.

Yeah, nevermind.

Goodbye.

A guy, huh?

Yeah, Moms, right?

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah.

So I just brought you this.

You know, I just moved in next door,

so I just wanted to say hi,

bring you a little snack.

I was just on the phone with my mom.

I heard.

She's gonna call back in like 10 seconds,

so I- - Got you.

Yeah.

So you just moved into number one?

I did.

Oh.

There she is.

Do you mind?

Answer.

Answer Go ahead, go ahead. - Sure.

She'd get a kick out of it.

Hello?

Hi!

Yeah, I'm Hannah.

I just moved in next door.

Yeah, Howard is fine.

He looks like he's been eating, yes.

Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you.

That's very sweet of you.

You know, I'm gonna go ahead and give you back to

Howard. - Howard.

Howard. - All right.

It was nice to meet you.

Bye.

Oh, she hung up?

Yeah.

She sounds really nice.

So what are you up to?

Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Oh?

Awkward silence!

Oh my gosh! - Awkward silence!

What are you doing?

That was good. I was gonna say somethin' in there,

but then- - I know.

♪ Baby, baby, baby cakes ♪

Baby Cakes?

Oh?

Good morning, sweetheart.

Good morning.

Didn't expect you to be up so early?

Well, I'm up now.

I see you are.

Too much fun of that pokey pokey last night.

Well, you know me.

I believe we have some business to attend to?

Oh?

62, right? - Oh, no.

No, honey.

Like, honey, you need it more than I do.

And, oh,

I think you probably would need this more.

I have many of these.

Get the hell on.

Too-da-loo, sweetheart.

♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

Wake up, Howard.

Right there!

Right there! ♪ Oh, it's a beautiful day ♪

♪ Can you feel the cool breeze. ♪

♪ Look out your window and see the birds and the bees. ♪

♪ Squirrels are running around ♪

♪ And they are eating their nuts ♪

♪ People are walking their dogs ♪

♪ Doggies have cute butts ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day for you, Howard. ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo ♪ ♪ It's a beautiful day ♪

♪ For you, Howard. ♪

You have your one job, and that's to suck.

Crying in the shower?

Howie, that's such a bummer.

You should smile more.

Okay I get it.

I wasn't in the right state of mind.

♪ There's not a cloud in the sky ♪

♪ Go out ♪

♪ Enjoy the sunshine ♪

♪ Stop and smell the flowers ♪

♪ Kiss the butterflies ♪

Howie, why are you so sad?

You know, the secret's a real Italian sauce?

What?

Okay, I found this out.

You take a whole onion,

and you grate it with the cheese grater over the sauce,

and it makes it spicy.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.

Well, try this, and tell me

if you feel like it needs onion.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

Finish that. - Okay.

Let's see.

Looks like this is not gonna be ready for a while,

you wanna fool around a little bit?

Babe.

Howie!

Give me an hour, okay?

We'll finish this, and then we will fuck.

Okay.

Bye, babe.

Howie?

Hi, my name is Nikki, and I'm reading for Fleaowe.

And I'll be reading with you.

Oh? - Okay.

Ahoy. - Ahoy.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Fleaowe?"

"Commander, what is it?"

"Oh, no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a space kitty?"

"A space kitty?" - Oh.

"Oh, wait, no!"

"It's just an asteroid."

"No, Computer, how do you frost a cake?"

That's my computer voice.

Oh, okay. - Okay.

Commander, I know how to-

Okay. - Yep.

Go ahead.

Do your line, go ahead.

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

"I forgive you this time."

"So what's your objective?"

"My objective?"

"It's to rescue all the space kittens,

and take 'em home to Scratching Post 4."

"Yeah, you mean five."

Five, right?

Five.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Excellent.

And?

"And I'm here to serve

all of my Commander's needs this mission,

physical, if necessary."

"Right."

"Remember, Fleaowe,

we'll have plenty of down time on this ship."

"We'll make sure you get a big promotion after the rescue."

"Commander?"

"Alpha Screen."

"We have a cataract."

"What's that?"

"It's a type of cat attack."

"Battle stations!"

"Commander, I don't have my space suit."

It's in my chamber on deck Level 4."

"There's no time!"

"Computer, generate space suit."

Nikki, right?

Yeah. - Okay.

Yeah. - Give me more space.

Let's do it, okay?

Like do one like where you're in space.

Oh, okay?

What would make it feel more like space?

I feel like you just...

It was like Earth.

You were just standing there like it was Earth.

Well, we're not floating in space, are we?

Well- - I didn't see that

in the script.

Why, it's space.

Well, for- - You just-

You assume the gravity is the same as Earth?

Well, I assume that we're inside of a space station

at the commander's quarters?

You assume we're inside of a space station?

Well, then where are the commander's quarters?

Inside of a spaceship.

Okay, so we're inside of a spaceship.

Not a station, a spaceship.

Okay, so inside of a spaceship.

In my mind, because it wasn't-

Let's just go again.

Let's just go again.

Just go again.

It doesn't make sense, but okay, fine.

Well, just give me more space.

Sure.

Okay?

Right. - Howard?

Howard, you okay?

We ready to go to scene two? - I'm not-

It's been a long day, all right?

Interior captain's quarters, day.

Okay. - Well, Howard-

She's just making me upset.

Howard, remember, it's my call.

I say when she can go.

But she's making me upset. - I understand that.

You're the writer.

But you know what?

We're on a time crunch here, okay?

I'm sorry, Nikki.

You know, Howard, you gotta be nice too.

The actor is the driving part.

All right. - You know what? Let's just...

We'll start fresh, - I'm sorry.

and we'll just forget it. - I'm a professional.

I'm a professional.

Howard, for the love of god.

You're not the only one.

Interior captain's-

A professional. - Let's just do it.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

Okay sure.

Sure, sure, sure. - Okay, .

All right.

Interior's captain's quarters, day.

"Fleaowe?"

"Commander, what is it?"

What are you doing?

What is- - I'm in space.

But it looks like you're doing yoga.

How is that yoga?

Have you ever done yoga? - It looks like Pilates

or something.

Pilates is laying

on the floor.

This was- - I'm not laying.

All right.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

Okay.

"Commander, what is it?"

"Fleaowe."

What are you doing with your body?

What would you like me to do?

Just a little less gravity.

There was no gravity!

Like, I can't float.

The gravity is a real thing on Earth.

But a little less,

take it like 10%. - Right.

So how would you like me to- - 10%

Here we go.

"Fleaowe!"

"Commander, what is it?"

Now, you ain't .

What is that?

I said 10%.

Okay, 10% better. - Show me what

10% looks like to you. - Okay.

So 10%, it's like this.

"Commander, what is it?"

I was just doing that.

All right. - That's like literally

exactly what I just did. - Okay.

Go ahead.

You do you.

Let's see.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Commander, what is it?"

"Fleaowe."

"Oh, no, it's a bird, it's a plane."

You went back to the...

Go back- - Don't go back to the thing,

this thing.

Just- - I wasn't doing

anything like this.

Just do the-

You were reading this. - Just do the-

You weren't even watching. - Okay.

All right. - Mr. Original, can we...

Can we pause for a second, Howard?

You're just a goddamn screenwriter.

Nikki, did you need a five minute break,

so I can talk to Howard for a second?

Howard, can you just get behind the desk for a second?

Yeah.

Yeah. - Thank you, Nikki.

Yeah. - Sorry about that.

Thanks, thanks, Nikki.

Howard, what the fuck are you doing?

What?

What are you...

Goddammit, the camera is rolling.

You fuck it- - Yeah.

Let's cut the cameras, okay? - No, you fuckin'

embarrassed me.

Well, you know what?

Now, you're on camera. - You fuckin'

embarrassed me. - You're on camera,

so that if you

talk to me like this, - I don't care-

then fuck you. - I don't care

if I'm on camera!

Okay. - You fuckin' embarrassed me.

Okay. - Don't you

fuckin' embarrass me. - Hi, guys.

You wanna wave to the camera?

This is Howard Original. - No, you don't you

fuckin' embarrass me. - Okay.

You know what?

We're gonna cut this. - You know, she can hear this.

♪ I want that butter chicken ♪

♪ I want that butter chicken ♪

♪ I want the bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu butter chicken ♪

♪ I want that chicken korma ♪

♪ I want that chicken korma ♪

♪ I want that chi-chi-chi-chi chicken korma ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Butter chicken ♪

♪ In the kitchen ♪

♪ You'll be twitching ♪

♪ I'm getting really hungry ♪

♪ And I need some curry on my plate ♪

♪ I'm cravin' for the curry that I had just the other day ♪

♪ I need something to dip my naan, dip my naan, dip naan ♪

♪ I need something to dip ♪ ♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

♪ You need to brush your teeth ♪

♪ You need to take a dump ♪

♪ There's no more toilet paper ♪

♪ And you broke your toothbrush ♪

♪ What are you going to do ♪

♪ You look down at your socks ♪

♪ That's what you're gonna use ♪

♪ To wipe your buttocks ♪

That is a nasty drinking habit.

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

You should cut down

to only like one bottle a day.

♪ Right now, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Your butt really stinks right now, Howard ♪

Oh?

Dave.

All right.

Hello, Howard.

Hey, Dave.

How's the scripts going, Howie?

You know, it's coming along.

Oh, Howie.

Coming along is always a lie.

That's what I say when I'm stuck at 500 words.

You know me too well, Dave.

Oh, Howie, I'm exhausted.

You know, it's meeting, after meeting, after meeting,

and then after some more meetings,

and more meetings, and then another meeting.

I know it.

Were there any good ones?

Well, they just loved the Australians.

Did you know that were referred to as Aussie's?

Ozzy's, like Ozzy Osbourne's?

Oh, Howie.

I mean, yeah, Dave,

you realize that you're not Australian?

You grew up in K-Town,

and you lived in a pee stained studio apartment

for the majority of the 2000's.

Shut up, Howard!

The accent works.

I Googled it.

There are no Asian people in Australia.

Give me a break!

Oh yeah, man!

Weta in New Zealand bought my feature film.

They bought the script for 130,000 American dollars.

They shoot early next year.

It's scifi.

A what?

You know, a scifi.

Ah, man.

You mine, sci-fi?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Anyway, it's sci-fi,

you know, space stuff.

Matt Damon's in it.

You know, James Franco was going to be in it,

but he's left town, and his living on some island.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Oh, I'd love to stay and chat, Howie,

but I've gotta take this call.

Hello, Dave here.

That's not a real phone, Dave.

Yeah, well tell Martin Scorsese I'll be free next week.

That is a piece of fruit.

You see that, Howard?

I'm getting paid to do this for a living.

Look at that.

Got another incoming call.

I've gotta run.

Yeah, hi, Steven.

That's a banana, Dave.

Spielberg, yes.

That's nice, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be free maybe,

how 'bout Monday afternoon, 2:00 pm?

Great.

See you then.

Bye-bye. - There you go,

talking to a piece of fruit.

Well, cheerio, Howard,

and have yourself a bowl of Frosted Flakes, too.

Wrong country, Dave.

Cheerios are for the French.

You can rot in hell.

Love you, you idiot.

Well, goodbye, Dave.

And the space cats return to their home,

home base.

500 words.

500 freaking words.

500 words.

500 words.

♪ 500 words ♪

♪ I did 500 words ♪

♪ 30 hours of work ♪

♪ 500 words ♪

♪ I've got 500 words ♪

Wow.

500 words, how impressive.

It's better than 500 words.

It's 479.

479. - You round up.

Okay.

All right, let's see - Yeah.

how I can help you here. - Yeah, thanks.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

Here we go.

Let's see.

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

Okay, your first mistake, right there.

You're and you are - No it's right.

It's right there. - are two different words.

That's right.

You are beautiful.

I couldn't get away with that,

could I?

Here we go.

Okay, so you're interrupting my writing time

to fix my grammar?

Thanks,

Well- - but no thanks.

Listen, okay?

I am usually not into unemployed writers,

but somehow, I find you fascinating.

Well, I'm gonna sell this thing,

and then we're all gonna move to Hawaii.

If you think

you're gonna sell this,

then I will help you make it better.

Uh-huh. - So let me help you.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're helpin' all right.

Okay.

Space. - No, no .

Howie,

you really screwed up big time with the love of your life.

But you don't have much luck in love, do you?

If you could only go back and fix things?

Hi, I'm Elizabeth Thomas,

and I'll be reading for Fleaowe today.

It's already wrong.

Okay, fine.

That's fine.

That was already wrong.

What?

Even your slate was campy

Well, okay.

I mean, do you want- - All right.

Is that what - Would you-

you're going for?

This is... Can we do a serious one?

Like a real serious- - Oh, of course.

Sure. - Okay, okay.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Fleaowe!"

"Commander, what is it?"

"Oh no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a space kitty!"

You have to say- - Oh.

You didn't read the script.

It's a plan

It's a plan.

Plan? I thought- - No, "It's a bird,

it's a plan".

Oh. - It says in the script

it's a plan.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I thought that was a typo- - No, read the-

Okay, so- - Don't-

No, this is....

Words matter.

So read it again, - Oh.

but read it as written, please.

Okay.

"Oh, no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plan, it's a space kitty!"

Why did you say that like it was a broad word?

Say it like it's the right word.

Okay.

Okay,

just say it like- - I just don't see how

a plan would be coming - Just say it.

in space.

Well, there's no guy be a plane in space.

It's a plan.

Well, I mean, 'cause it says, "It's a bird, it's a plan",

it's a lot like that single- - It's a plan.

Just read it as written.

Go ahead. - Oh, okay.

All right, go ahead,

from the top. - Oh, no!

Okay. - "Fleaowe!"

"Commander, what is it?"

"Oh, no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plan, it's a space kitty!"

"A space kitty?"

"Oh, wait."

"No, it's just an asteroid."

"No!"

"Computer, how do you frost a cake?"

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

"Voice print confirmed."

"Oh, stop showing off, Fleaowe."

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to...", which is true.

In the future, that's what's gonna happen.

It's gonna be...

You know, women...

Women will be, you know...

Computers will be- - Wait!

Are you being... Are you just talking about on this script,

or were you- - No, I'm not talking

about in the script.

I'm talking about in the future,

which we assume-

So you have to read the rest of it

like assuming that that's what it is.

Okay.

And I'm sorry about before, though.

'Cause like, you know...

Okay, I'm just the writer.

I understand- - It's all right.

No, I understand- - I wanna do whatever

to achieve your vision. - I'm just the writer,

and words count, right?

Words matter, okay?

So we'll go over it again.

And I feel much better now, so.

Okay? - Okay.

All right, so let's- - Sure.

Let's do that.

And-

"No!"

"Computer, how do you frost a cake?"

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe."

"In the future, as we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"Sorry..."

Oh, that's your line.

"Sorry, Commander, but remember,

I was in the deep freeze more than 100 years."

You see, you're doing that voice?

I was trying to give you kind of a cue.

Voice?

Well, that's just my natural voice.

Howard, would- - I mean, what kind of-

Howard, what are you talking about? What voice?

She's doing a voice for the part.

It's campy.

Okay.

Howard, it's called acting. - Wait!

She can do...

I'm sorry, Elizabeth. - Do you-

I'm sorry, do you want campy,

or to- - What made you-

What made you feel that it was campy?

What's campy about this?

Howard?

I- - What is campy about this?

Hey-

Okay, I'm sorry. - Okay, on a spaceship-

I didn't mean to like come-

They're trying to rescue space kittens.

What's campy-

'Cause this is not like- - What is campy?

No, I wanna know what you-

No, don't- - Howard,

No. - let's all-

Howard, let's take - What is campy?

a five minute break. - Do you want-

Elizabeth, if you need to step outside

for a minute,

Oh. - I'm gonna yell,

I meant, talk to Howard. - Sure.

You're just an actor! - Yeah.

Okay.

You know, actually, I'm not interested in this anymore.

Howard! - Don't make a choice.

I'm so sorry.

It's about choices.

It's about choices.

Howard, what the fuck is your problem, dude?

Come on!

Actors. - You know what?

It's campy. - Let's cut this.

Let's cut this, guys. Come on! - Oh, I'm campy.

Let's cut. - I'm campy.

♪ It's time to write a script ♪

♪ So pull out your laptop ♪

♪ Get those fingertips ♪

♪ Ready to write something ♪

♪ Da-Da-Da-Da ♪

♪ Da-Pa-Da ♪

♪ Nope, you've got nothing ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ You've got nothing in your head, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ You've got nothing ♪

♪ In your head, Howard ♪

Sweet dreams, Howie.

Well,

come here, little guy.

Come here.

Yeah!

Come inside.

Whoa!

Hold on .

"Dear Mr. Original,"

"This is Natalie Rodriguez."

"I just finished reading your screenplay 'Space Kitties'."

"I loved it!"

"Give me a call at your earliest convenience."

"My number is in the signature below."

Yes!

Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Who?

Hello?

Yes, Hi.

Can I speak to Ms. Rodriguez?

Speaking.

Yeah, well, this is Howard Original.

Oh, yes.

Hi, Howard.

Yeah, I had a script called "Space Kittens".

Yeah, well it's on the- - Yeah.

You like it, right?

Haven't had a chance

to read it yet, but it's on the list, mm-hmm.

Well, okay, so there's an option.

Well, I'm available to come in tomorrow.

I'm really excited to talk to you about it.

Yeah, well my assistant should've sent

an email to re-schedule,

Okay. - so you should have that.

Oh, .

Well, we don't get service up here.

So I missed your,

I missed the meeting, I guess.

I missed the message.

Well, we'll speak tomorrow, mm-kay?

Oh, well, okay.

You gotta go?

Okay, well have

a nice weekend. - Gotta go, bye-bye.

Okay, we'll talk about it next, next year.

Oh, wow!

I wish I could show Ms. Rodriguez who I really am,

suave, handsome, and a great dancer.

You're an idiot.

Dammit!

Hey, Hannah, did I tell you the good news?

What?

So remember, I contacted Danny Trejo?

Yeah.

Well, his manager got back to me,

and while Danny's not available,

his sister Jamie is.

Jamie Trejo.

That's awesome. - So we've gotYeah.

But that's just that letter, you know?

That's just saying like, you know,

that she's okay with the production,

and that we're gonna make this movie,

and it's gonna start- - Howie, I'm pregnant.

Your pregnant?

That's great!

That's such good news.

Yeah?

Can't you tell I'm excited?

Yeah, I just wanna make sure!

I mean, we haven't planned for this,

so- - Come here!

Yeah?

Come here.

Yeah. - Oh my god!

Howie?

Are we gonna do this?

Are we ready?

I mean, I think we are.

We've get no choice, right?

This is so good

to be happening to us, right?

Yeah.

I'm just so happy that you're this happy!

I am. - I didn't know

what you were gonna say,

or how you were gonna react.

I'm as happy as Jamie Trejo is.

Guess my swimmers, my boys,

my boys work!

♪ Bah boop ba boop boop boop ♪

Howie?

You are going to be a great father.

Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm ready to do this.

Let's do it!

Okay.

Good.

I'm happy for us.

Okay, so I guess we should go to the doctor?

I guess so.

All right.

Well, obviously, I've never done this before, so.

Mm-hmm.

Howie, you can't ignore me.

I'm in your head.

It's Kendra.

I'm going to get you through this.

Go to your happy/unhappy place.

Hannah?

Yeah? - Are you ready?

I'm comin'.

Wow!

You're beautiful.

Wrong, you are.

Wrong, you're.

How are you?

Good.

Ready for our big night out?

Yes.

You know, I love you.

I love you too, Howie.

Thanks.

Hey, Blue.

Hey, Blue.

You like that pen, don't you?

A writer writes, Blue.

This is the most important thing a writer can use.

That's right, a pen.

That's right, a pen.

Can you hold a pen?

That's right.

That's right, Blue.

You can write a screenplay.

♪ You're gonna write a screenplay ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Da-Da-Da-Da ♪

♪ Cha-Cha-Choo-Choo-Choo ♪

Yeah, give me your right hand, right paw.

Here you go.

Here you go, baby.

Your name is Blue.

From now on, your name is Blue, okay?

Hi, my name is

Samantha,

and I'm auditioning for the role of Fleaowe.

Thanks.

Okay, I'll be reading with you.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, what the heck?

Wrong hand. - Yeah,

The other hand.

This, the good hand.

Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Interior.

I'm sorry.

Can we start over?

Are you like in pain?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just...

I got so into character that I got out of character.

Okay.

So you're in space?

In space, flying through space.

'Cause she gets it.

Okay.

All right.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Commander, what is it?"

Can you point?

It's a space. Can you point? - Yeah, yeah.

Point. - Yeah, yeah, I can.

Can you point?

Yes, I can.

Okay, go ahead. - Thank you.

"Oh, no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a space kitty!"

"A space kitty?"

"Oh, no, it's just an asteroid."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe."

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"Commander, I'm sorry,

but remember, I was in the deep freeze

for more than 100 years."

"Damn, Fleaowe, I will not fail you."

"I'll forgive you this time."

So what's your objective?

"My Objective?"

"Right!"

"Is to rescue all the baby space cats,

and bring them home to Scratching Post 4."

"You mean 5." - "Right!"

One, two, three, four, five.

"Good, excellent, great, and?" - "And I'm here to serve

all my Commander's needs this mission,

and physical, if necessary."

"Right."

"Remember, Fleaowe,

we'll have plenty of downtime on the ship."

"So you're gonna get a big promotion after the rescue."

"Okay, Commander, look at the Alpha Screen!"

"We have a cataract."

"What's that?"

"It's a type of cat attack."

"Battle stations!"

"Commander, I don't have my spacesuit."

"It's in my chamber on Level Deck 41"

"Here, put this on", if you can.

"Put this on."

"Privacy?"

"Just put it on, Fleaowe."

"Stop being a baby."

I'm sorry. I can't do this with this cast.

Oh. - I can't do this

with the cast on it.

Howard- - No, I can't do...

I can't do this with...

All right, we'll try it.

Ahoy.

Ahoy. - I'm pretty sure

she's gonna bang herself in the head with this cast.

I'm so sorry.

When is this cast coming off?

Does the cast bother you? - Actually-

If it doesn't- - Actually-

No, no, .

We're cross-talking.

When does this cast come off.

Actually, never.

It's on for life.

Do you...

Yeah, can you gesture to the screen?

You already pointed.

Oh, yeah. - Just gesture to the screen.

Okay.

Now, gesture, like this.

Gesture to the screen.

"Commander, look at the Alpha Screen."

"We have a cataract."

I can't with this cast.

I just...

How is she gonna

put a spacesuit on? - Howard. Howard, do you...

Jesus Christ.

All right, that's helping.

That's helping.

That looks good.

That's definitely helping.

Okay. - One, two.

All right.

Matter of fact, I wanna see that again.

Can you...

Yeah, here, put this spacesuit on.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta take the first one off, actually.

Oh, good.

Wait, we have another spacesuit for you.

Ah, thank you.

Okay, good. - All right.

All right, all right.

Well, that looks... - All right.

That looks good.

That's all I need. Here, put- - How do I look?

Here, put this bikini on.

Let's stop there.

Thank you.

That was a beautiful audition.

Howard, can I talk to you like afterward?

Well, we have her info, right?

Yeah, well, I'll be in touch.

You won't be in touch, Howard.

I will call you, not Howard.

So thank you, thank you.

Are you on Instagram?

I'm actually untraceable online.

But it was so nice meeting you.

Oh, okay. Nice to meet you. - And thank you

for the opportunity,

Good to see you. - and have

a wonderful day. - Good luck with the thing,

with the thing. - Oh, thank you.

Howard, let's talk.

Okay.

All right, all right.

Take care, bye. - Thank you.

I can't with this cast.

I'm sorry. - Have a good day.

Howard, get the door for her. - I can't.

Please, help her.

Get this...

You know what?

Get out.

Get out, goodbye.

Howard!

What the fuck, Howard?

You're gonna break - I can't with the-

her other arm! - I can't with the cast.

You're gonna break her other...

Let's just cut there.

I can't with the cast.

Cut, let's cut.

Howard, you're such a fuckin' asshole.

But I must warn you, Mr. Original,

she's in a mood.

Must be on her period?

Howard Original.

Hi.

So we've got good news and bad news.

Sorry, Mr. Original, but your script, "Space Kittens",

it's not gonna work for us.

So what's the good news?

The good news for the studio is that we passed on it.

Okay, I see that look on you guys' faces.

Anybody want some coffee, or tea, or caffeine?

Boss, watch your blood pressure.

Oh, I get it.

So diversity got me again?

I bet if this was ,

you'd buy it pretty quickly, wouldn't you?

Starring Erik Estrada from "Chips",

and I'm gettin' Lou Diamond Phillips.

Make whatever excuse for your work being unusable garbage,

but don't go there.

Now, if you excuse us, we have a very busy day.

Jordan Peele is my 12 o'clock

Peele?

I bet if I was a named writer,

you would hire me without even reading my script?

Maybe I should just give up writing

and become some mindless, brainless studio exec.

Maybe you should give up writing.

I, at least, have a job, you talentless hack.

Harry Potter lookin'- - Boss, Boss!

You know the problem with you, Ms. Rodriguez?

You hold all the cards.

You hold all the green cards.

Funny.

Boss, I can call security to remove this man.

No, I can handle this.

Oh, okay.

You know who you are, Mr. Original?

You're nothing but a white, privileged,

ex-frat guy who peaked in college.

Shouldn't you be on a golf course by now?

That's a perfect example, a golf course.

That's what Hispanics are good for,

you know, mowing the grass and cutting the lawn.

You know, this used to be like a movie studio,

and now it's a Home Depot.

You know, you look too young to even be working here.

Like, when is your quinceanera?

Look at bar mitzvah boy over here.

Good one.

If I was Jewish,

I wouldn't go looking to you for money, now, would I?

Okay, okay.

You've said some stuff that you really don't mean,

and Boss, you said some stuff too.

You pointed out that she's Mexican,

and she's biased against you because of it.

And you called him a Jewish Harry Potter.

Can we just be friends and shake on it?

All right.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm a professional.

I'm sorry I said all those things,

but before I go,

I just wanna let you know,

that some of us older guys

remember when the studio was truly great,

when it was run by white people,

not run by you people.

You people?

Did you just "you people" us?

Adios, Nazi!

Out of here!

Let me just tell you something, okay?

This used to be Columbia Pictures.

Now, it's a Chipotle.

You know where the door is!

Hmm, Chipotle actually sounds good.

Grubhub or Uber Eats?

I have the apps.

I'm on it.

Oh, Mr. Original?

Yeah, I know.

My car is being towed.

Oh, no, I wanted to talk to you.

You wanna talk to me?

Yeah.

I read your script, and it was impressive.

You read "Space Cats"?

Yes, I did.

She just threw it in the trash.

Well, she's a bitch.

She's just jealous.

I mean, maybe if you got to know me,

you'd be inspired,

and have something to write?

Every writer needs a muse.

Well, I- - So?

I get it.

I understand what you're saying, though.

But, look, good luck back there.

Have fun.

Mr. Original,

I have clients,

and I'm on my way to becoming what she is.

So I could give "Space Cats" a chance,

but once those checks start rolling in,

I will be taking 51%.

You'd be taking 49.

Got it?

Okay, got it.

Boop.

Howard!

What?

Oh!

Wow!

What was that?

What?

Are you...

Are you on the pill?

Up periscope.

Yeah. - Well, oh, yeah.

Yeah. - I could tell.

You could tell? - Something's different.

You could tell? - Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Wow.

I mean, you disappear into the bathroom for like 20 minutes,

and then you come in, and last only like 15 seconds.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Well, I'm glad you liked it,

because - Oh, yeah.

I want you to do me a favor, a little quid pro quo,

or whatever they call that,

Uh-huh. - you know,

do something for me.

Where are you

going with this? - Yeah.

Yeah? - So take that good feeling,

and when you're at the pitch fest,

I want you to bring up "Space Cats",

'cause you're important in the industry,

and you can pitch it,

and- - Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I'm hungry.

Is there any...

Is there any food,

like any restaurants

that you think are open? - You know, you threw

out everything.

But you've read the script,

and you liked it?

And you like it. - Yeah, I got-

I got the five emails,

and your phone call. - Uh-huh.

My assistant went over it.

But the premise is good.

The characters,

great character dynamics.

Great character dynamic. - But look,

the premise is great. - Right?

The second act, right?

Right?

The woman's a man.

Hey, so I'm gonna go order some pizza,

so let me know what you want. - Okay.

Okay, how 'bout anchovies?

I'm vegan.

Fuck!

Vegan.

Oh!

Uh-uh.

What's going on over here?

What is this?

Salad dressing.

Uh-huh, yeah, I know.

It's expired,

Uh-huh. - and it's been expired, 2016?

Yeah, that was a good year.

This stuff doesn't go bad. - You're kidding, right?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm not even gonna smell this.

This is bad. - Uh-huh.

Throw this away.

Why are you holding onto this random junk in here?

It's not random. - This is-

Yeah, I'm gonna have to clean this out for you.

You're just stocking this up with stuff

you're never going to eat. - I get it. I get it.

You come in here,

and you wanna rearrange my life.

But you know what I really need?

I need the script rearranged, so I can sell it.

♪ Space Cats ♪

♪ Spa-a-a-a-Ce Cats ♪ - No!

Every woman in your life wants to rearrange things, huh?

Well, we'll get to it once the pizza gets here.

But a functional kitchen is key to functional life.

Start there.

And now, back to the "Kartrashian's".

Only on HLN,

the Howard Lifestyle Network.

I'm gonna die here.

I'm gonna die here.

I'm gonna die in a room full of space kittens?

Look, that's me on TV!

Reality TV is not TV.

Oh, shut up, Howard.

Can you believe it?

Howie and I are on TV together.

We're meant to be stars.

Shut up, you Kartrashian!

Great!

You're finally here.

Oh, Howie, this is a blessing in disguise.

Selfie.

You get signal up here?

Just Instagram.

Oh, Instagram.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Who are you?

Who the fuck are you?

Oh, gosh, no.

A Kartrashian, no. - Ah, you are a fun one,

aren't you?

You know, Howard, it's been a long time since I...

No!

This is definitely hell.

This is hell.

You are not in hell!

Come on, Howard!

Just the tip.

Just the tip. - So stupid.

Wow.

Oh my god. - Hey, Phoenix?

Huh? - Phoenix?

Hey, where's your remote?

I'm trying to watch the "Kardashians" when it comes on.

Can we have a little talk?

Where's your remote?

It's right there.

Oh.

Thanks.

Huh?

What?

Basically, I haven't seen you go to work in three months,

and I'm getting

concerned about it. - Yeah, that's-

It's because I'm on call,

and I have to wait

for them to call me. - On call?

You work at a studio, and you're dressed for work.

Yeah, because I'm - It's 10:15.

waiting for them to call me to go in.

Get into work.

What?

I haven't been in three months,

but- - Well, let me

get this straight. Hold on. - Still send me checks.

Hold on, hold on.

What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You haven't been to work in three months,

therefore, you haven't pitched "Space Cats"?

Have you ever spit "Space Cats"?

What happened?

It's dead.

Yeah, I haven't been to work in three months,

because it's on the bottom of the list

of their priorities right now.

So you're just gonna have to wait.

I'm sorry.

The bottom?

Yeah. - Yeah.

There's nothing I can do about that.

Hey, listen, we have a good time.

You're hot.

I'm hot.

We have a good time, right?

But, like, you don't pay any rent,

and I need you to pitch this show.

"Space Cats" is just not the priority right now,

so get over it.

Maybe write another script?

I'm not getting over it.

This is the thing, this is my livelihood.

This is my life.

This is my life on the line.

"Space Cats" is it.

It's my ticket out of here.

Look- - Okay, well,

I did what I could for it.

So you're welcome.

I mean, this is all fine, and good, and great,

and we have fun, right?

Don't we have fun?

Yeah, we do.

So? - Okay.

So we have fun. - What's the problem?

We have fun, - Yeah.

but you don't pay any rent.

You sit on this futon.

You eat fuckin' chips.

Guess what?

This is- - What?

Today's your last day.

Get out.

You're such a dick!

Why are you being like this?

Oh, I'm the dick?

Yeah. - Why am I the dick?

I read your stupid script, Howard.

It's all right.

You can leave.

Okay. - Get your shit,

and leave. - I'll leave.

I'll leave- - Fuck you!

Fuck you, you asshole!

I'll leave when I'm ready

after the "Kardashians". - Oh, so I-

I should go to- - Bye, Howard.

Go to your room, yeah.

Do that, and I'll be gone after the episode finishes.

At least they had their own show!

Fuck you!

And they're not sellouts.

They are sellouts.

Don't you have, like, a boyfriend,

like a big black rapper dude,

and stuff like that?

And like go, yeah, hang out, blah, blah, blah,

and stuff life that?

I'm not that rapper dude.

Oh, you are.

I am?

Hmm. - From the waist down.

Oh!

Thank you.

JK.

And take a beep whenever you're ready. Action.

Hi, my name is Alexis,

and I'm reading for the role of Fleaowe.

And I'm Howard.

I'm the screenwriter.

Hey. - I'll be reading

with you today. - Nice to meet you.

What is...

Can everybody turn their phone off?

Thanks. - Yeah.

Sorry.

Was that your phone? - It might have been, sorry.

And you went green?

Is that...

Is this why- - Yeah,

I just figured - I'm doin' the

green thing. - it would be better

than having a script. - I'm doing the

green thing also. - Oh, okay.

Awesome. - Can you see how I like-

I like it.

Ed Begley told me don't use paper.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, go .

We'd love to hear you do.

Let's go.

Okay.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Floaowe?"

"Commander, what is it?"

"Oh no!"

"It's a bird, it's a plan?"

"It's a plan", that's correct.

Okay. - Yeah.

"It's a space kitty?"

Mm-hmm. - A space kitty?

"No, computer, how do you frost a cake?"

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

You're supposed to say it like, I just wanna frost a cake.

Give me like a Marilyn Monroe,

like a - - Sorry,

I don't really feel comfortable with that.

It's a little too seductive. - Okay, do that

however you want.

Okay. - Okay.

"Voice print confirmed."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe!"

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"Sorry, Commander,

but do remember,

I was in the deep freeze for over 100 years."

"I forgive you this time."

"So what's your objective?"

"My objective?"

"Right!"

"It's to rescue all of the spacey, baby space cats,

and bring them safely home to Space Station 4?"

"You mean 5?"

"Right, 5."

"Okay, good, excellent."

"And?" - "And I'm here to serve

all of my Commander's needs."

Breathy.

Okay. - Breathy,

and I'm here to serve.

I'm here to...

I'm here- - I'm here to serve?

Can I just try it the way

that I feel comfortable? - I'm here to serve.

I'm sorry, I just don't like that at all,

and I just don't feel comfortable

doing that, so. - No, but you're

an actor, right?

"I'm here to serve

all of my Commander's needs this mission."

That's it?

"And physical, if necessary."

I'm sorry, that was not in the sides I received.

Okay.

We added that.

Okay.

Right.

"Remember, Fleaowe,

We have plenty"- - You added that?

Who added that?

That's awful.

Okay.

So nevermind who added that.

"Battle stations!"

"But Commander, I don't have my spacesuit."

"It's all the way in my chamber in Level Deck 4."

Okay, now you

Yeah, go ahead.

Read it again.

"I don't have my spacesuit."

"It's in my chamber on Level Deck 4."

"Here, here!"

We'll, put this on.

Privacy, please, so I can change.

Yeah, I'll turn around.

You know what?

I'm just... No, I don't like this at all.

Yeah, can you pick a costume?

I'm not feeling

comfortable with- - No, but-

Are you even the screen writer?

Like the stuff that you're

including in this - No-

is so inappropriate.

Why is it inappropriate? - I think I need to-

No, excuse me.

I'm sorry, here. - Why is it inappropriate

for you to put on a costume? - I'm so sorry.

I am not going to do this. - Actors wear costumes.

I'm reporting you to the Labor Law Board.

This is unacceptable. - Labor Law?

Howard?

Howard, just- - I'll put it on.

You fuckin' assholes.

Okay.

Okay.

So thanks for coming back in.

I'm sorry I said all that stuff.

Okay.

I didn't mean any of that stuff, okay?

You know, we wanna get you this role.

So I'm sorry.

Okay. - I'm sorry I did that. Okay?

So let's just take it from "Battle stations",

'cause I like you.

I like you.

So let's take it from "Battle station".

Are you married, by the way?

Howard. - Why is that relevant?

Well, you're wearing like a thousand rings.

It really has nothing to do with you,

and so I really don't - I'm just curious.

wanna talk about it. - It's rapport.

I think that's not...

It just doesn't matter. - I just wanna know-

I wanna- - It doesn't matter

It doesn't matter if I'm married.

Huh? - Get to the lines, Howard.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I'm just trying to create rapport.

Mm-hmm. - Okay.

So let's take it from...

Let's take it from...

But you're married, though, right?

Oh, Jesus, Howard. - Are you serious right now?

Jesus Christ. - Let's take it from...

Forget I said that.

Forget I said that. - So if I'm married

does that mean that I'm not getting this role,

'cause you want me to do things that I wouldn't do

if I was married? - No, forget I said that.

That was stupid.

Okay.

Nevermind.

Okay.

"It's a type of..."

"It's a type of cat attack."

"Battle stations!"

"I'm sorry, Commander."

"I don't have my spacesuit."

"It's all the way in my bed chamber in Level 4."

She's angry.

It's like...

Howard. - Yeah?

No, okay. - I just-

All right.

All right, it's okay, it's okay.

I'm a professional.

Here we go.

I'll find my spot again.

Okay. - and here we go.

Say that again.

It's all the way in your...

"In my chambers on Level 4."

"Right."

"Well, there's no time."

"Put this on."

Oh, shoot.

"Put this on."

Oh, crap.

Oh, put this on.

Okay.

Privacy, please.

The camera's gonna get this?

Okay, so I'll turn around

while you put on that spacesuit.

While you put on that...

Okay, it's on. - Is she doing it?

Yeah, she's doing it. - Is she putting it...

Did you put it-

Did it- - Can we just pretend

I put it on?

Okay, fine.

Fine.

Okay then.

Ahoy then.

Ahoy.

She doesn't have the spacesuit,

and that doesn't work.

Howard, - It doesn't work.

it's an addition. - I can't.

I am so sorry.

I just...

Howard, can we talk?

If you don't mind waiting?

I can't.

I can't.

It seems like she just- - Howard, don't.

Stay back here. - She's just drapes-

She just drapes it

over her arm. - Thank you for coming.

I'm so sorry. - You know what?

Howard. - This is her!

This is her!

I'll still try it.

I'm gonna try- - Howard!

I'm gonna try it. - You are being

so unprofessional,

unprofessional right now. - No, I'm sorry.

I've never had an experience

like this before - Yes.

at any audition. - Well, now-

Now, I'm- - Are you actually

a screenwriter?

Yeah, I'm-

Or is this some kind of joke?

Well, what's...

Look- - I feel like

I need to report you

to the Labor Law Board. - Doesn't it-

No, but seriously- - This is so unacceptable.

Doesn't an actor like say the lines

that they know? - Howard!

Am I missing something?

You keep hitting on the talent, so.

Oh, I keep hitting on the talent?

Yeah, but- - This is hitting

on the talent?

Yeah, I mean- - Yeah.

Meanwhile, there are costumes gone.

Let's just cut here, guys.

"Dear. Ms. Rodriguez."

"Fuck you!"

"You are no studio executive." ♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

Fuck you, studios!

Fuck you, studios!

You suck, Howard. - "You hate me."

Ms. Rodriguez!

"I wrote a great script." ♪ Should go back to school ♪

"'Space Kittens' is the best."

♪ You think you're really good ♪ - "But how about this?"

♪ But you are really not ♪ - Ms. Rodriguez.

Oh, I'm Ms. Rodriguez.

Okay.

Oh, I like your-

"Option one,

'Space Kitties in the Milky Way!'"

"Option two,

'Space Kitties 3: Big Catty'".

Fuck you, studios!

"I have a letter of intent from actor, Danny Trejo."

♪ Howard ♪ - Ms. Rodriguez!

"Who plays El Gato."

Here's to "Space Cats".

"I'm going to throw the script over the wall."

"You suck!"

Down the...

"You only deserve..."

"to work for reality TV."

♪ She ready ♪

Drinking. doesn't help you write,

but it's because of drinking that you do write.

Shut up!

It's the voice in your head.

You can't tell me to shut up.

♪ Think you should ♪ - Fuck you!

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪ - "P.S.,

See you in Cannes." ♪ Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪ - "Sincerely..."

♪ Howard Original-oh-oh ♪

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ You're writing really sucks ♪

♪ Howard ♪

See?

See? - Should we

watch that tonight, though?

Let's...

what do we have?

I don't even know what we watch anything of.

Well, I mean, I'm just saying, because .

This is- - Ow.

What happened?

You hurt your foot?

No, it's my fuckin' .

It's my side. - There?

No, right here.

I mean like...

Gosh.

Jesus.

Can you care a little bit

when I'm hurt? - Yeah,

you should care. - Ow!

Whoa.

Okay, this is- - Oh, my god.

This is serious.

Yeah.

All right, let's...

Let's go to urgent care.

Wait, wait!

You think we have to - Take it easy.

go to urgent care?

Yeah, but keep breathing.

No, please, just...

Just drive.

Hi.

Hi,

I'm sorry, I didn't think you would hear me.

I'm just gonna go out for a walk.

With your suitcase?

I just need a day.

I just need one day just to-

A day, a week, a month, a year, does it fuckin' matter?

It does matter.

Yes, it does.

And it matters that you,

that you give me this time, okay?

What for?

What for?

Hannah, talk to me. - Howard.

Talk to me. - Stop!

Talk to me. - Please, let...

Just let go of me.

Don't do that.

Okay?

I am going to go.

Give me a day.

You don't understand, we're married.

I know that we're married, Howard,

but I need to know if we can move forward,

if we can recover after this, okay?

Recover?

Yes!

I lost him too, Hannah.

I know, and I'm sorry.

I just can't. - I'm sorry.

No!

So you lost the baby, huh?

He would've been four today

if Hannah didn't, you know?

How are you going to make it up to Hannah?

Oh, hey, Hannah.

Seriously, dude?

You called your ex?

Well, I thought it would go something like this.

Oh, hi, yeah, Howie.

I'm good.

I'm good.

Yeah, I mean, I wanted to just tell you the good news.

I'll keep it quick.

"Space Cats" was optioned.

Well, they really liked it.

It was optioned, and I'm just really excited.

Like, I really think we're gonna make...

Hello?

Hello?

That must've been hard on you, Howie?

Life isn't fair.

She's the only woman I ever loved.

Ah, poor Howie.

He doesn't have much luck in love, does he?

I hope someone can fix that.

Maybe I can?

Thanks.

You're the darndest, cutest cat in the world.

And what are we gonna do today?

Is I'm gonna get you catnip.

You want a little brush?

I'm gonna get you catnip.

And what could go wrong?

Where is this girl? She's running late.

Howard, they said she was gonna be here

like 20 minutes ago.

Oh, there she is. - Oh, there she is.

Go get your friend.

Okay, so this is my friend.

Of course.

This is my friend, Victoria.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late. - Hi.

Parking.

Hey, Victoria. - It's okay.

Hey!

How are you doing?

I haven't seen you - Fucking great!

in like forever. - Okay.

Yeah, thank you for having me.

So I'm gonna read...

I'm gonna read with you, okay?

Oh, perfect! - Okay.

Oh, yeah. - And this is

gonna be great, okay? - No.

You're in a spacesuit.

I like it. - Yeah.

Did you bring your- - You know,

I just had it in my closet.

Oh. - Did you bring your sides?

She had it in her closet. - Oh, it's all in my brain.

It's all...

'Cause you don't need this?

'Cause- - No, no.

Yeah, okay.

I don't even use sides anymore.

Okay.

All right.

Let's do it. - Okay.

So let's slate.

So you'll say your name, look into camera A right here,

Okay.

and then you'll say

what character you're playing,

and then we'll jump into the scene.

Yeah. - So whenever you're ready.

Hi, my name is Victoria,

and I am playing the role of Fleaowe.

Okay.

You aced that one.

That's good.

Okay.

Interior captain's quarters, day.

"Fleaowe!"

"Captain, what is it?"

"Oh, it's a bird."

"It's a plane."

"Oh, no, it's a space kitty."

"Oh, no, wait, it's just an asteroid."

"No, Computer, how do you frost a cake?"

"Commander, I know how to frost a cake."

"Voice print confirmed."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe!"

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"Oh, sorry, Commander."

"But remember, I was in the deep freeze for over 100 years."

"Well, damn, Fleaowe, I will not fail you."

"Forgive me this time."

"So what's your objective?"

"My objective?"

Right!"

"It's to rescue all the space kitties,

and bring them back to space..."

I'm sorry, I'm gonna do that again, okay?

Oh, of course, go for it.

Take a beep whenever you're ready.

To...

"My objective, right."

"It's to rescue all of the space kitties,

and bring them home to Station Number Four."

"You mean, five."

"Scratching Post Number Five, yes."

"Okay, good, excellent."

"And?"

"And to serve all of my Commander's needs in this mission,

physical, if necessary."

"Right, Fleaowe."

"And, you know, we'll have plenty of downtime on the ship,

and I promise you, I personally promise you,

that you will get a big promotion after the rescue."

"Commander, look at this Alpha Screen!"

"We have a cataract."

"What is that?"

"It's a type of cat attack."

"Battle Stations!"

"Commander, I don't have my spacesuit."

"That's okay, Fleaowe."

"I mean, what you have on is fine,

unless you wanna change into something more comfortable."

Commander.

"Computer, give her another spacesuit."

"Another spacesuit."

Do you want me to change?

No, so you already have the suit on.

Okay, so.... - Just move on.

I thought that was great.

I thought it was terrific. - You know,

I've been practicing. - That was terrific.

It was like the magic technique

that I've been really practicing for a long time.

And guess what? - I don't know why.

They're fine. - I felt like

I was channeling - You were wonderful.

like a space person.

Yeah. - You know,

like that Neil Strongarm.

Like, he's so good.

Neil Armstrong. - That was perfect.

I just felt like I was him.

Yeah.

I felt like you really were like part of NASA.

Thank you for inviting me.

Thank you for inviting me. - Of course.

That was- - Can we like

Very well done. - try another one?

I mean, like- - Yeah.

Do you guys- - That was perfect,

but can we try another? - It was perfect.

Okay, let's see.

" Voice print confirmed."

"Stop showing off, Fleaowe."

"In the future, which we're in now,

computers are superior to women."

"Sorry, Commander."

"Remember, I was in deep freeze for over 100 years."

"Damn, well, Fleaowe, I will not fail you."

"Forgive me this time."

"So what's your objective?"

"My objective, right."

"It's to..."

Sit up straight.

"To rescue all of the space kitties,

and bring them back home to Scratching Post Number Four."

"You mean, five?"

"Right."

Look, see her arms not in the cast, so she can...

"Right."

"Good, excellent."

"And?"

"And to serve my Commander's needs

for all of this mission."

Stop.

Let me do that one again.

Of course.

It's okay.

Okay. - Ask me again.

Okay.

"That's good, excellent", Victoria.

"And?"

"And to serve all of my Commander's needs

for this mission,

and physical too."

Stop!

Stop. - You're making me laugh now.

Come on.

It's okay. - See, we got...

It's chemistry.

All right. - Howard,

let's go back from that last line.

Let's just get this take. - Okay.

Okay, let's just do

the last one.

"Ahoy." - "Ahoy."

"Ahoy."

Stop making me laugh.

She's just too funny. - Ahoy, ahoy.

Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy. - Stop it.

You guys are so great.

I'm just so happy

you read everything. - Isn't she brilliant?

Like, she's...

I mean, look, she was on Broadway.

I was and the Tony's.

Tell them.

Tell them about- - I mean, one or two Tony's.

Give them a little like rundown.

Two? - Two Tony's,

and I'm gonna open

my own school of the Meisner Technique,

and I'm gonna...

It's been - What?

just a wonderful journey,

you know, the actor's journey,

Yeah. - just being grounded

Yeah. - with all of these characters

that you write.

And didn't you win the Obie?

I did, I did that- - That OBGYB.

Yeah, well...

Howard.

Yeah, so I hope you cast me,

and- - She was...

We got it, right?

We could do this.

I mean,

you're the screenwriter. - It's actually-

Do you want- - You wanna do a twirl?

Wanna give her the part?

Can you do it in your seat,

like a little twirl? - Well...

Can you twirl in your seat?

Oh, you know I can twirl.

Or twerk,

or what are they saying? - Oh, no, not twerk.

Because- - You know,

I had a surgery on my...

Yeah.

Like, you know,

if you want this role, you gotta let me know,

okay? - Yeah, of course.

I mean, I'm- - I mean, if you want-

I mean, this is gonna be like a big...

This is a big movie.

I'm available, Howard, you know that.

You're available?

I'm available. - That's what I

like about you, you're available.

Okay. - Whenever you call.

Okay, so...

Oh, she's back.

Howard, I think- - So it wasn't...

She was great, right?

She was amazing.

So next step is going to be...

Oh, Howard, maybe we should have

another separate meeting about this?

Go over the- - You know, I think she

Oh! - basically just crushed it.

Okay.

No, of course she did.

She crushed it.

So...

But I'm saying,

Howard, I think as the producers,

we should go talk like off camera.

Well, we...

Yeah, we'll...

But you have her headshot, right?

Yes, we have her info.

Uh-huh, that's my job.

You're saying that

you're eligible, right?

Okay. - Yeah.

Yeah. - You're eligible?

You know.

I mean, Tony awards.

Remember, I told you.

Yeah.

I'm all set.

I'm not gonna check, so- - Yes, here they are.

Anyway, I'm gonna walk you... You wanna have lunch?

Yeah, sure. - Okay.

Yeah. - So let's do it.

Let's go.

Let's pretend

we just married.

Nice to meet you.

You're so silly Howard!

We don't have...

Nice to meet you.

That's silly.

We didn't know each other

before this thing. - But we get each other

for so long, Howard.

Let me show you the door. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Howard,

What? - are we meeting after lunch,

or tomorrow, or- - No, after.

After. - After?

Oh. - I was saying after.

That's what she said.

Okay.

Saying after.

He's leaving.

Y'all, well, thank you

for having me. - You never know.

Yeah, thank you for being here.

Howard? - Bye.

Goddammit!

Finally, "Space Cats".

My own studio.

I can pinch myself.

Ow.

I can pinch myself.

It's my dream.

Great.

You're here early.

Phoenix, what are you doing here?

Didn't I throw you out of my apartment?

Yeah, yeah.

It's good to see you too, Howard.

Jesus, a thank you would be nice.

A thank you?

You sold "Space Cats"?

"Baby Space Cats".

The studio exec changed it.

"Baby Space Cats"?

Well, you sold it, right?

That's what's important.

Come here.

I owe you an apology.

Oh, oh!

You owe me a lot more than that.

We own "Baby Space Cats".

We both own "Baby Space Cats"?

That's great.

The studio.

The studio owns it.

Fuck me!

Oh, I did.

And now, I'm moving back into your apartment again.

I'm pregnant.

Bee-boop.

Latex allergies!

Got that right.

Gotta wrap it up, Howard.

♪ Howard, Howard, Howard ♪

♪ Howard ♪

Blue?

Blue?

Blue?

Where is that darn cat?

Where is she?

Blue?

Finally, you woke.

Trying to drink myself to death.

Hello?

Who the fuck are you?

Where are my toys?

And how'd you get in here?

Hey!

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

How did you get in here?

Did I meet you at the bar?

Hey.

Hey!

No!

No, I'm calling 9-1-1.

I'm getting you outta here.

Where's the weed? - 9-1...

Weed. - 1.

Hey, Operator?

Yeah, there's somebody...

There's somebody in my house.

You gotta get...

Yeah.

Well, I don't know who she is.

What do you mean, I sound drunk?

I'm not drunk.

You're drunk.

No, come over.

What do you look like?

I've got an intruder in my house.

You gotta come right...

You gotta...

Ow!

Goodbye.

What is wrong with you? - So long.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, Operator, I'll hold.

One minute you want me here,

the other, you don't.

Make up your mind already.

I didn't really call the police on you, you know?

A writer's right.

How original.

What do you want, Blue?

Howard, why don't you grow a pair?

Shut the fuck up.

We both know you do better than that.

Yeah, if you'd let me write.

Oh my god!

It's the "Kim K Clan" show.

Well, what race are you?

I'm white, hello?

Look at all this glitz and glam.

Hollywood is fascinating.

Yeah, fascinating bullshit.

The Kartrashian's.

Hi, I'm Khloé.

I have my own line- - Shh.

I'm a billionaire. - Oh, god.

Haters are gonna hate, hate, hate.

You're just jealous, because they got their own show.

Well, I'd have my own show if I had out to here

and up to here.

Down periscope.

So are you ready to join the clan?

The what?

The clan?

Howard, you're dead.

Professionally, yeah.

Well, yeah, that too.

God.

Now you're getting it.

I don't like getting it.

But you know what?

I can make this work, I guess.

So what do I do?

Do I gotta like marry one of you guys?

I mean, like not the big foot one,

but like..

You're an idiot.

I am an idiot.

Don't worry, Howie, I think that we're gonna be

the breastess of friends.

The breastess of friends.

Yes!

The breastess is best.

And you are not a virgin!

No, Howie. - No!

Definitely not a virgin. - Howie!

Howard!

I'm not Howard! - I'm back.

You know, I'm gonna leave if you're gonna watch that.

But you can't leave.

What are you talking about, Blue?

So what you're saying is I'm dead?

Yes.

Don't you remember?

You fell and hit your head pretty hard.

No, wait.

No, you wouldn't remember.

You're dead.

Well, if I'm dead,

that means my life was a complete and total failure.

Ow!

Why would you say something like that?

Because when I went to CBS,

I threw my script over the fence,

and the script came flying back at me,

and hit me right in the head.

Fuckin' CBS.

But then, I went to Paramount,

and the pitch meeting went great.

They loved the script.

Adios, Nazi!

Out of here!

And the meeting is Monday.

Oh, I'm dead.

But do you hear yourself talking, Howard?

You had a meeting with CBS and Paramount?

But let me...

Okay, how many people wanna be writers?

They like the idea of being writers?

Ooh, I'm gonna be a writer.

Oh, I'm gonna get a cabin, and get retreats, and write.

Life is a real hustle.

Those people don't even try.

You did it, and look how far you went?

Fuck you, studios!

You're gonna be okay, Howie cakes.

You're gonna be fine.

You were happy once, Howard

Why couldn't you leave it alone?

You'll never have a son to preserve the Original name.

Howie, all she needs is love.

How did this all go wrong?

Don't let her walk away like that.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm getting out of here regardless.

What?

Howard, no!

No!

What are you doing?

Howard!

We what?

Okay, so I didn't see that coming.

FML.

Okay, so Howard is, well, her.

Oh my god.

Is he cheating on me?

Meeting Howard was a very different experience.

I'm not used to men pushing me away the way he did,

which is probably why I'm so attracted to him.

And I can definitely see myself marrying him,

even though he's white.

So the only thing I would really say is,

it's so weird,

but there's a really strange smell about dead people,

and he definitely had like a musty,

like interesting, kinda good smelling thing about him.

Oh my god!

That could be a new cologne.

My goodness.

I can finally make more money

than my little sister, Kylie.

A billionaire at 18?

My god.

I'm gonna be...

I'm going to be a gazillionaire.

Ma'am, gazillion's not a thing.

What are you talking about?

Let's continue this.

Yes, it is.

It was in the contract.

Shoot, you're embarrassing me in front of the camera.

And she's crying.

Great.

I'm gonna record this.

You're so fucking rude.

Oh my god.

10 gazillion likes in five minutes?