Original subtitles

hello everyone and welcome to another

wonderful episode of hex presents

i am your host laurie brister a horror

filmmaker extraordinaire

who is presenting to you this

introduction in a rather

casual and informal fashion welcome to

my

um living room and i feel that this

informal presentation

is quite appropriate given that it's

summer it's a glorious day outside and

and here i am in a a checkered shirt so

fabulous right so the reason i have you

all here today

is for a re-release of a hex presents

feature film

called eagle maniac now unfortunately

when we first shared the eagle maniac

there was a technical glitch

and well that's not fair at all for the

artists concerned

so we've fixed that and we've uploaded

the video again

hence this wonderful new introduction

and for any of you who haven't seen

egomaniac before

you are in for a spectacular treat

directed by kate shenton eagle maniac

premiered

at frightfest the uk's premier horror

film festival

a few years ago it's a wonderful

independent film

that stars nick lamont and adam reese

davis

and it's concerns the making of an

independent horror film which is

something i can relate to very easily

as an indie filmmaker myself it is a

hilarious

horror comedy and i genuinely mean it is

hilarious because most horror comedies

are utter cringe and i suffer through

them with the patience of

a man with very little patience but this

is worth watching it's hilarious and

utterly utterly dark

kate shenton is something of a director

writer prodigy and has been the winner

of an up-and-coming talent award for new

directors

and directors from screen international

and

as a real talent to behold and that's

not to

pay the service either to the cast who

pull their own weight and do a

magnificent performance

nick lamont as the independent filmmaker

going insane

in her attempts to produce a horror film

about well what's supposed to be a

romantic comedy thriller with a zombie

ends up having to

include a talking hand puppet it's or

talking dog shooter saying oh

it's lots of crazy stuff like that and

uh adam ruiz davis who plays the

sleaziest producer imaginable

it does so in a very authentic way and i

should know

because i am basically a film producer

myself

so he's done a powerful character study

of us all

with his performance in this film and

also starring as

lawrence r harvey from human centipede

any of you who have met lawrence at

festivals and conventions will know that

he is a gentle soul

but i don't think you'll find a more

gentle soul

than the character he plays in this who

is utterly hilarious

so do enjoy egomaniac

and please check out kate shenton's work

online

and if you like our video please like

and share

thank you so much and goodbye

i did it i did it i made my [ __ ] film

there's no idea how hard i've worked

there was a moment when i thought

making this film would drive me crazy

my name is katherine sweeney and this is

the director's commentary

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

you only get one chance to taste the

true flavor of a wine just

one the first sip

i am full bodied rich

spicy and yeah i can taste the french

countryside it's good

yeah it's really uh it's got that sort

of

grape thing and red

flavours and yeah it's good really good

yeah it's expensive right

i watched your films really what did you

think good

a bit transgressive for my taste but

yeah you've got potential

thank you you're welcome you've got the

fire the fire you know the fire

the hunger a spark of talent there's so

many wannabes out there trying to make

[ __ ] films but you

yeah you're the real deal so catherine

tell me what's next come on hit me

uh well dude right no hesitation okay

you've got one minute

pitch me if i like it i'll get you a

million

okay um well it's a zombie horror

romantic comedy

feature length about this woman who

manages to

survive the zombie apocalypse and then

one day she meets the zombie of this guy

she had a huge

crush on it stop to stop your pitching

is [ __ ] you're telling me the story i

don't give a [ __ ] about the story

all i want to know is one thing

what does it have a talking dog in it

well does it have a talking dog in it no

put one in

but it's a zombie horror romantic comedy

doesn't matter put one in

why because they sell films everybody

loves talking dogs

they're [ __ ] good films don't make money

[ __ ] films make [ __ ] loads

i don't think a talking dog would work

within the um the artistic vision

of the people right you're not an artist

you're a filmmaker

your job is to tick boxes the more boxes

that get ticked the more money i make

i didn't become a filmmaker to make

money why did you become a filmmaker

because i love making films and i'd like

to think i'm

pretty good at it really yes i'm a

creative person

and i just want to share my work with

the world filmmaking

it's not creative it's supply and demand

you make a film you package it you put

it on a shelf you sell it

well i disagree do you

you make me a film with a talking dog on

the poster

and i'll get you at least a million

possibly two

well i've never made a film for more

than a grand i thought you made a

feature documentary

i did on a ground did it make money not

really

there you go nobody [ __ ] saw it

it's supply and demand all right you got

talent don't waste it trying to be an

artist

welcome welcome to the second annual

shorter than short

film festival where we pride ourselves

on bringing short film

to the viewing public

we're very excited to announce that

today we have the director of [ __ ]

catherine sweeney

here to introduce her film so let's give

her a big round of applause

so i first got the great and let's see

the film

[Music]

[Music]

thank you so much for screening my film

i mean i had hoped there'd be a few more

people but really that's my strong

turnout for our festival

is it you'd be very proud of yourself we

can't wait to see what you come up with

next year

oh no i need to get the funding first

i'll do that

we're expecting big things from you

hi i'm devon i'm a writer i'm a director

producer i'm a dp i'm a sound person

i'm a walk-on artiste card

have you got a film in the festival no

have you ever made a film

no have you got any money no

have you got any equipment i've got a

gopro

i'll be in touch

interior protection bunker

nikki white is the sole survivor of the

zombie apocalypse

ah i can breathe smart

intelligent and observant

she is a scientist looking for a zombie

antidote there's got

to be an antidote

not here she has a samurai sword

and always wears perfectly applied lip

gloss

and she's on the hunt for zombies

where are you selfie scum

interior creepy corridor

nikki white is walking down the corridor

a zombie's groan can be heard in the

distance

she's looking for it she will find it

she

will kill it

nikki turns a corner she sees the zombie

she slowly approaches

the tension builds

she is about to strike

kevin cut cut god i'm sorry sorry cut

[ __ ] sake what now what is my

my motivation here you're a zombie your

motivation

is to eat my brains yeah yeah but but

what kind of zombie am i

am i sort of a 28 days later one or am i

more dawn of the dead

um um i don't give a [ __ ] okay well

you're the writer

so it's kind of like your job to give a

[ __ ] fine then 28 days later [ __ ] given

that won't work what do you mean that's

not gonna work well if i was a 28 days

later zombie i wouldn't pause would i

go straight for your brain fine then the

other kind dawn of the dead

[Music]

no i'm not feeling that why well it's

all that slow movement it would be too

restrictive for my character okay then a

mixture of both

that'd be ridiculous you can't be two

types of zombie you'll be whatever i

write you to be

you need to think about the little

details [ __ ] the details i just want to

finish the script

and make my [ __ ] film great idea

shame about the execution

which review was it that said that by

the way shut up see that's the thing

about bad feedback isn't it it always

lingers in the mind

shut up or i will cut you a wikipedia

page is more insightful than catherine's

documentary

that was one review the other one was

really positive

listen i'm just saying you need to think

about those details

okay you're going to be a 28 days later

zombie

your motivation is to attack nikki and

then nikki will knock you unconscious

happy can zombies be knocked unconscious

[ __ ] you

[Music]

hi

i'll be back in a minute yeah okay

ah he's really hot really really hot

really really really really hot okay

okay fun fun casual casual fun

what do we not talk about gore

be yourself be yourself

just be yourself but not too much

so you're a filmmaker yeah what sort of

films do you make

horror mostly really you don't look like

the sort of person that make horror

films

i may look normal but believe me there

is one messed up imagination inside of

here

and you work in sorry you did

tell me i'm an editor for solid rock the

music magazine

yeah you know i get to meet a lot of

musicians most of whom are

pretty mental but uh you know it's about

finding an interesting angle to

interview them

i'm always finding different ways to

kill people i'm really inventive when it

comes to murders

not that i've ever killed anyone in real

life just you know in my head

because it's part of the job you know

not really

like my last film [ __ ] i've always had

this thing for gimps ever since pulp

fiction

and in it the [ __ ] gets handcuffed to a

radiator by his dominatrix and then she

dies

so the only way for him to escape is to

cut off his own arm it was

really fun to make and this sex shop

they lent us all these display

toys that they had in the window so now

in my room i've got like all these crazy

[ __ ] rings and

anal beads and this thing called called

the stud muffin i don't even know what

it does

and the thing i'm working on at the

minute is a zombie horror romantic

comedy

i'm just writing the sex scene but it's

proving difficult

why because zombies can't get erections

so

sorry let's talk about you what's your

favorite horror film

i'm not really into horror to be honest

i'm a bit squeamish well you should get

over that by watching my feature

documentary it's about people that get

pierced with hooks and then suspended

into the air

i actually did it myself for the film

and actually if you want to see my scars

they're still quite purple

no no you're okay thanks

sorry sorry i just have this habit of

going on and on about my filmmaking it's

just because i really

really love it you know like if i didn't

make films

probably go crazy

let's talk about something else

[Music]

this hasn't gone well has it

no

[Music]

hi mom it's me yeah yeah everything's

going great and i've got this meeting

set up with this producer tomorrow

um apparently he's a bit of a big deal

uh he's told me he's done

all these films everything sounds

amazing so uh yeah we'll see how that

goes

the um the thing is i've got my phone

bill coming up tomorrow

and i just wondered if there was any

chance that you

that would be great thank you thank you

so much yeah

mm-hmm yeah yes i am yeah no any mom

i've got uh i've got to go i've gotta go

everything ready for this meeting okay

okay love you thank you for doing that

love you love you love you bye

yo yo yo javi yeah your massive dick

how's that hey

yeah so this shawshank uh sequel i'm

thinking shawshank two

charlie shack the twist is uh yeah they

they don't escape or something yeah

i know 15. 50 million all right yeah

we're chat yeah

yeah ciao

uh you must be catherine sweeney you

must be nathan nice to meet you at large

yeah you too

yeah i've heard quite a lot about you

you've got quite a reputation

really i'll tell you what should we get

a drink you know a proper drink

i've never seen into a last one i'll

have a large gin and tonic

cucumber not lime

so tell me about this feature film well

it's a zombie horror romantic comedy

i love it who's your producer i don't

have one great well i'm your producer

now

but you haven't read the script i need

to my gut tells me that this is going to

be

huge uh what sort of budget thinking uh

50k 60k you need to raise your standards

no i won't work on anything less than a

million

any potential financial interest

well not really not really there was

someone but it doesn't

really matter tell me he's not really

right for the films

don't you tell me it's derek maxwell

from metamorphosis films have you worked

together

yeah yeah we've done a few uh bits and

pieces together yeah we drank bellini's

in cans

well basically he offered me a million

pounds if i put a talking dog

in my film because apparently everybody

loves talking dog films

they do make a lot of money but of

course i'm not gonna do that because

that would be ridiculous

i think you should do it what

i think it's a great idea but it's a

zombie horror romantic comedy

and it wouldn't work look you put a

talking dog in your film metamorphosis

could potentially pre-sign it which

would make you really attractive for my

investors

we could be making this thing on five

million

five million i just don't see how a

talking dog's gonna work

you need to broaden your horizons no

just wait for this right yeah

one sock yeah wait for the magic

i've got some buttons in here somewhere

see it's all about what glue you use

that stuff's no good hey

full of frustration and hello

look at the dog my name is princess and

i'm a talking dog

everybody loves talking talks woof woof

isn't she quite a lover already

i'm not gonna do it just think about it

yeah you can keep that it'll give you

some inspiration

it's been on your foot just keep it

[Music]

um

[Music]

interior abandoned warehouse

a zombie is approaching nikki and kevin

don't worry kevin we can fight him

together oh

real god whoa what the [ __ ] is that cut

cut [ __ ] you kidding me i'm not sharing

a [ __ ] set with that thing oh and i'm

not gonna have this argument again ouch

we'll call you when we need you don't

be rude to my extra snacks or it's not

like he has feelings hey

i have feelings really no one gives a

[ __ ] guys can we stop can we can we stop

arguing in my imagination please okay

we'll call you back when we need you

thank you very much i'm so much better

looking than him you must see this

okay look i know you're not keen on

princess but we need to make this work

because we need to get the money and

make the film

oh okay that makes so much sense now

thank you so much for explaining that to

me

so tell me please when was it that you

sold out this is not selling out it's

just a little

compromise same thing look do you want

to be stuck in my imagination forever

because there is some [ __ ] up [ __ ] in

here my friend

honey i'm the best thing your

imagination's got oh really

i can turn you into a subplot like that

you wouldn't dare

you're not the only romantic lead in my

head

there are others

but that was cruel going to find out

completely

please don't cry

[Music]

you told me i'm special you are special

you are very very special

i promise

bye i'm still not working with that

[ __ ] thing

hi um i wondered if you've got a dvd

documentary called on tender hooks

it's about human suspension so it's

about people who have

hooks put in their back they're lifted

off the ground

all right so you want to watch that it's

actually a really misunderstood

spiritual

release um it's directed by catherine

sweeney

me if it's a documentary it'll be the

documentary section

just looked in the documentary section

and it's not there

so could you look it up on your system

for me

you sings it no it's not it's not music

it's a dvd it's a documentary

right according to the system we've got

one copy

in the documentary section i've just

looked in the documentary section i've

literally checked every dvd and it's not

there

according to the system it is well maybe

the system is wrong

the system is never wrong

well could it have ended up in a

different section

if the system says it's in the

documentary section

it's in the documentary section somebody

probably stole

it stole it people steal films it

happens all the time it's an epidemic

well can you reorder it nope why not

it's on system

but it's not in the shop it's still on

the system company procedure i

i can't be seen ordering unwanted stock

well i want it ah

sorry i can't help you get another shot

yeah but my distributor says this is the

only shop that stocks go online it's not

available online

legally or maybe the bloke who stole it

will bring it back it's not gonna bring

back a stolen dvd

you will live it as bad as it sounds i

spent a year making this film

i worked in a hawaiian restaurant

singing happy birthday on the ukulele

wearing nothing but a hula skirt and a

pair of coconuts just to pay for the

post-production so can you please please

please order my dvd

not he's still on the sister wait wait

no whoa whoa

no accident all right lady goodnight ah

stevie

you're precious he's doing it

ha ha he didn't press confirm can't the

system

i love you sister i love you too chester

so let me give you the guided tour this

is the kitchen you're in the living room

and back there's the bedroom

so you sleep in your car now i like to

think of it as my executive apartment

so technically you don't have a home

i've got a better thing to spend my

money on

like what i talked about so

sorry we're gonna have this meeting in

your car no silly

in my office

so i've spoken to my investors they love

the idea they think it has got huge

potential

although they think they're going to

need some names names actors

and names that will bring in an audience

anyway i've spoken to a few casting

directors got me wait

you're casting my film without me is

that a problem yes it's a problem

it's my film if i give you melons how

are you gonna give me pears

i don't even just think about it look

don't worry because my instincts are

always spot on

what about auditions uh water i want

auditions for the actors

uh yeah these guys aren't gonna do that

because they are big styles

i want auditions first rule of

filmmaking you never get what you want

especially you can i at least see these

people before we cast them

ah see what i can do

no do you want some breakfast i'll get

the older agar going you know egg bacon

sausage

yeah great there's a little shop just

around the corner do you want to go

grab some stuff

so i have a producer now great

who is it it's nathan

nathan phillips

he said you drank bellini's together in

cannes i'll drink with a lot of people

in cannes

never bellinis so

how's your script coming along great

great

um i've put a talking dog it

you clever girl yeah it hasn't been easy

i bet it hasn't

but you've proven to me you're more than

just a filmmaker you're a businesswoman

a toast to the soon to be famous

catherine sweeney

thanks you're welcome

talking dogs eh they're the future

didn't people used to say that about 3d

yeah

a 3d talking dog film yes oh no oh yes

no no no no make me a 3d talking dog

film i have no idea how i would film

that

it's exactly the same you just use a

different camera and stuff really really

hate

3d yeah you said that about talking dog

films and now you're making one

a zombie horror romantic comedy with a

talking dog in it

in 3d international sales would be huge

the chinese will [ __ ] love it no

yes all right it's easy you just need to

chuck a few bits at the camera look i'm

not

turning my beautiful emotional feature

into some kind of

novelty theme park ride catering

catering couch with sweeney sweetie

catherine you have

come so far don't ruin it now

make me a 3d talking dog film

and i'll make all your dreams come true

i hate you don't hate me

i'm gonna make you rich and famous rich

and famous

rich and famous i'm gonna make you rich

and famous i'm gonna put you in a bin

bag and drown you

on just give me a line an action

anything i've got nothing

what are you doing just adding to the 3d

effect

[Music]

hi dad it's me yeah yeah i'm fine

um yeah everything's going great with

the film um we're in talks with this

executive producer guy

and he's got some really interesting

suggestions

but um hopefully he's going to put some

money into that'll be great

and it's just that i don't have that

money now and my rent is

due so i just wondered if there was any

way that you

that would be amazing just a little bit

to tie me over

okay thanks daddy

yeah and what look i've gotta go now but

i love you

thanks bye

you're gonna love this guy he's

literally huge like the biggest name in

horror

and you've got a massive cult follow him

he's read the script

no but he likes your idea but he does

fit the character description what

character description the one that i

emailed to you

what do you mean about me i email you

every day do you

no what did it say he needs to be young

good looking

you know gorgeous yeah yeah he's all of

those things and more

great well who is it we'll have to wait

and see

so uh michael has recently starred in

single mom torture pawn two

tits on hooks and demonic bought it baby

three revenge of the placenta

yes i played the placenta i'm so excited

about this

i've never played a zombie before you've

never played a zombie before

no i see zombies are either

on mars or in little groups and that's

more

background artiste work uh whereas i'm

more

featured roles spoken like a true agent

nathan can we have a word please yes

in private

back in the moment be like two minutes

all right someone's got a hungry face

you're [ __ ] me right what do you

like him like him

look at him i can't he's in there use

your imagination

you're a producer and you don't have an

imagination well it's actually easy to

make films if you don't have an

imagination

you are unbelievable oh thank you look

let me make this really clear

we are not casting him in my film why

not

because he's completely wrong for the

character you've seen my investors want

a star and he's a star

never heard of him the morning boy baby

three is a classic where have you been

we're not casting him i'm willing to

compromise but this is ridiculous

right we don't cast here my investors

don't invest which means we don't get

the money

which means we can't make a film and you

still want to make a film don't you

hmm

um sorry sorry about that we were just

having a little chat about your contract

contract you mean i've got the pass and

of course we think you're going to be

brilliant

fantastic i've been practicing with

zombie faces

pretty amazing kevin's not really a

scary zombie yeah just ignore this

she's just a director no um

you will let me know the shoot dates as

soon as possible

as i have to book the time off work

where do you work

in a call center i sell magazine

subscriptions to little old ladies

oh i bet you sit next to brad and

angelina don't you

no i'd sit on my own in a cubicle

[Music]

interior derelict shower room

nikki stares longingly into kevin's eyes

the end of the world was the best thing

that ever happened to me

it meant i could be with you

[Music]

don't touch me don't touch me please

don't be like this

i was perfectly formed in your head and

you

[ __ ] me up oh i'm sorry you're upset

about the cast he's repulsive

we have to cast him it's just a little

compromise for the investors

yeah okay keep telling yourself that

what's that supposed to mean that means

that there seems to be an awful lot of

compromise going on here but only from

you if i have to compromise

to make this film then that is what i

will do

are you sure that this is even still

your film

she's late yeah but only about like 20

minutes or something only by like an

hour

oh my god i am so so sorry that i'm late

hi i'm natasha

i have a ba lambda m a rada and musical

theatre training at central

i can sing dance my method act and

improv my skills are horseback riding

sailing scuba diving sword swallowing

and i've got a full clean driver's

license oh i've just had parts in

eastenders holby city downton abbey and

i've just had a part in game of thrones

what game of thrones you like that

didn't you it was nothing

it was just a close-up i thought show us

what you did it wasn't a close-up of my

face

um before we get started can i just do a

few warm-ups

sure take as much time as you need

from a cheeky chop i'm a cheeky chop

chip sauce i'm a cheety chop

hot potatoes

[Music]

where are you dad

great now i'm just going to hypnotize

myself

okay can we get on with the audition now

please natasha

natasha

i am no longer natasha i am an

empty vessel waiting for you to fill me

with your directions

fill me direct me

direct me

i have to cast her don't i yeah

great i didn't mean to shoot her

oh my god thank you so much for giving

me the party i'm so excited

who else is in it i'm michael storm oh

my god i know him did you see him in

demonic

baby three no i just worked with him in

a call center anyway see rehearsals

isn't she amazing i need some wine

[Music]

kevin

[Music]

oh god i love my imagination

no biting time for the placenta

you're all right you're like [ __ ] thanks

i'm not sleeping well oh well let's get

some coffee in here

um i'll have a double machiato no

chocolate on top

so i've spoken to my investors they are

really happy with everything

they're going to invest yes great just

not yet

oh for [ __ ] sake there's just one tiny

little thing that we need to work on

what you you're just not marketable

what do you mean well your face is a bit

you know you've got those little bags

and

like what is that smell you're just not

a sellable commodity

i'm not a commodity i'm a director yeah

but people want to know what's behind

the camera they

want to know that it is well fit i don't

do

fit i know but with a little makeover

and a lot of photoshop i

reckon we can pull something off peter

jackson isn't sexy

tarantino isn't sexy tim burton looks

like a hedge

yeah but they've got something you

haven't a [ __ ]

you've got all the bits and pieces to

make yourself into a semi-attractive

woman

you just need to harness them will make

my investors happy

what do you want me to do just a quick

little photo shoot

i want it to be tasteful trust me it

will be the higher taste

i freed all my house plants yesterday

they felt impressed really

oh here she is uh catherine this is

julie and julie and this is catherine

hi um can you do wider lens

yeah anyway i've left your outfit for

you in the dressing room

outfit yeah i've got a whole new look

plan for you now hurry up come on time's

money money's money

she really all you got unfortunately

yeah

see what i can do great

you've got to be kidding me

i don't believe in organic anymore no

it's not really

no no

wow you look amazing

i look like a [ __ ] yeah but you look

like a kind of edgy director [ __ ] yeah

very fleshy shoe oh why don't you uh put

some red lipstick on

no it'll finish the look well it'll

distract from

my investors they will love it

fine

no she looks better from behind at least

yeah

i used to be happy

i followed my dreams

right let's shoot this lady with your

camera

a shotgun no you are a strong

independent woman who will not be told

what to do

yeah don't do that less about stronger

like imagine you're a man or something

so you're a real director

yeah yeah just suck it in suck it in or

suck it in or suck in or suck it in more

too much your eyes they need to be in

further apart

yeah yeah can you try it yeah yeah look

at the camera

no camera don't look at the camera i can

turn around turn around yeah imagine

your eyes

are coming through the back of your head

no no like no

don't look at the camera all right um go

for something more natural like you're

an intergalactic space warrior

yeah yeah no not from that galaxy

could you be a bit prettier do all of

that

but backwards yeah ambitiments

they're more ambivalent yeah really

strong and vivid strong

stronger no no no you just look like you

can't

debated come on you just smell a bad

smell it's your dignity

yeah it's gone stale

it's probably the best we're gonna get

yeah

this better come off yeah of course it

will

can you twerk the chainsaw

what you know that thing when you like

kind of shake your butt

can you do with a chainsaw i'm not gonna

twerk a plastic chainsaw

oh tell me to can't get you a real one

look just like the [ __ ] chainsaw

i'm getting paid this come on

on that's quirk it yeah there we go

yeah my investors are going to love that

[Music]

do you uh what i didn't need to mix no

it's supposed to

okay so this is the image before the

corrections

that looks nothing like me yeah that's a

good thing no

that looks like the face of cinema of

the future

catharines sweden sweeney

interior some deserted

place nikki and princess are having a

girly heart to heart

sometimes i wonder if he only loves me

because i'm the last woman

on earth if every woman who ever lived

was alive right now

he would choose you over all of them

you [ __ ] little [ __ ]

your own scenes without me just a couple

just to develop princesses character

she's got more lines than me well you're

a zombie you've got a very limited

vocabulary

okay

so uh how many scenes are she in

i don't know well does she have more

than me

i don't know does she

you've turned me into a subplot

we had to make princess the central

character to get the funding

you make me sick

i'm sorry this was supposed to be a film

about the unconditional

love between a woman and a zombie it is

it is we just have to make a few

little compromises

this whole film is now just one

big compromise well maybe that's what

you have to do to make a film

well good luck making it without me

because i quit

you can't quit i imagined you i created

you

your imagination's always been far

bigger than your ability you know that

i was the best thing about you

you couldn't even make me real

i'm out here you're not going anywhere

kevin

kevin

kevin

kevin

[Music]

hi mum it's me yeah look i just wanted

to check something because last week

my allowance didn't go in and i wrenched

you again

well obviously i don't have time to get

another job now because this is what i'm

doing it's taking up all my time set

oh thank you thank you both for being so

[Music]

supportive

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

just tell him you've got an amazing cast

enthusiastic investors and the brilliant

marketing strategy

okay you know this pre-site is really

important it will secure the investment

now is your bra run show yes uh what

about your bum cheeks

almost visible nice and remember

sometimes you have to take one for the

team and if you do have to suck his [ __ ]

just

close your eyes to swallow

you look ridiculous i've got to say

exceptional

my producer insists i wear this stuff

now

part of the marketing strategy

apparently this is what i have to do to

become a successful filmmaker

wow it does look good

catherine i'm going to tell you a secret

when i started out in this business as a

filmmaker i was just like you

i really was i wanted to make films that

changed the world

beautiful films and then i realized

people they just don't give a [ __ ]

all they want to do is see the same film

over and over again just with different

packaging

and that is all this [ __ ]

multi-million dollar business businesses

[ __ ] packaging

so um how's your film coming along great

great i'm thinking about renaming it

you me a talking dog and the end of the

world talking dog you're making a zombie

film money

a zombie horror romantic comedy with a

talking dog in it

with a talking dog why have you got a

talking dog in it because i'm told

they're the future of cinema

who told you that you did oh

we'll get rid of it what talking dogs

are over finished

but you said everybody wanted them now

everybody's moved on to something else

so i've just spent six months putting a

talking dog into my film

for no reason i thought you were all

about this artistic integrity

so did i until i became a filmmaker why

did you become a filmmaker

you've asked me this before

yeah but i want a better answer

last time i said it's because i love

making films

but it's more than that it's that

i need i need people to tell me that i'm

a genius

and i need recognition and i need to

make this film

and i will do anything to make it happen

spoken like a true filmmaker

no not a filmmaker an egomaniac

[Music]

so he'll do anything to make this film

happen

anything tell me

tell me i'll win an oscar tell me win an

oscar oh god how did you come

nope you should have faked it

let me have to ask you to leave my

wife's coming back in a minute

you're married only on paper you could

have told me

it made a difference

well i'm not one of those guys that

promises you the earth [ __ ] you and

then never answers your calls okay

i like you catherine i think you're

talented

and i'm going to support you in your

career so you'll pre-sign my film

yeah of course i'll get the paperwork

over to you next week

this is how it works in this business

you know

you do me a little favor and i'll do you

a little favor

got cash for cab yeah

so did you see the deal yep we should be

starting next week

you should be really proud of yourself

i have a personality from faith

hi derek it's catherine um i'm sorry if

i've been giving you a lot of messages

but i really think we need to get this

pre-signed sorted

so if you give me a call that would be

great thanks hi derek um

i keep going through to your voicemail

and i'm just a little bit worried about

that if there is a problem

i think we should talk about it hi derek

one professional to another

let's meet up and talk please because

it's been a long time now

we need to get this free sign done you

said

that this was gonna happen so this needs

to happen now

okay i've waited long enough i'm derek i

own a house i have a wife

[Music]

oh

[Music]

derek it's catherine if you could give

me a call that would be great

thank you it's catherine i'd really

really like to talk to you please

derek it's catherine please

give me a ring

[Music]

derrick is a [ __ ]

hi derek it's catherine sweeney director

i just wanted to

know if you're gonna call me back soon

[Music]

hi derek it's catherine sweeney and i

just wondered if

you might be able to come in and ring

back that would be great thank you

all right

i've spoken to my investors

and they love the idea they love the

cast

but they don't love you so we're gonna

replace you

what well you know some of your creative

ideas have been questionable i mean

what possessed you to put a talking dog

in a zombie horror film

you did and the the lead zombie horror

guy where's he gone

he's barely in it oh it's just

it just feels a bit mainstream i thought

you were different

i thought you were edgy i was different

and edgy

so what happened i met you look

it's over catherine we're going to need

a better director

are we thinking of adding some

spaceships in so i'm going to talk to jj

abraham's because he loves

spaceships look it's my film it's my

idea you can't just replace me

yeah but ideas are to a penny and

unfortunately this one's falling out in

your pocket

i [ __ ] up executed for you you [ __ ]

it

yes why because i was taking one for the

team

no no i told you to suck his [ __ ] but

not [ __ ] it

there's a difference yes you suck his

[ __ ] you leave him wanting more you [ __ ]

him he gets everything he wants

no wonder he's not returning your calls

don't be dramatic this film is my

life and you will not take it away from

me it's just a film it's my

film can you please put the knife down

you will not take it away i'll give you

an imdb

don't patronize me you're gonna be

absolutely fine you're really talented

i'm gonna be fine am i yeah yeah my gut

tells me you're gonna be huge

well maybe it's about time we had a

little chat with y'all

hey nathan's got why did you make me do

all those things to my perfect script

oh i'm sorry catherine i already [ __ ]

up your film

it turns out my instinct was real

cup of tea what are you doing outside my

imagination

well you always joked you're a little

bit crazy

[Music]

what am i going to do now well you do

what any true filmmaker would do

hi i like your top

okay guys there's been a slight change

of plan okay that sounds a little

worrying

it's nothing to worry about i just had a

small disagreement with nathan

and i killed him

wait you're you're joking right

no i ripped out his guts and he was

always talking about his gut

instinct so it seemed appropriate so

it's just you now

yeah so we're still gonna make this film

it's just we have to make a few

compromises

um i don't have a budget so i'm not

going to pay you also

i don't have catering crew art

department props set or a camera but

i do have a

a talking dog hello

my name is princess and i am the star

wait i'm not the lead anymore no talking

dogs are the future of cinema

not again look um i've been in this

situation before and it

didn't really work out so i don't

really want to be a part of this film

anymore everybody loves talking dog

films

yeah i'm more of a cat person a zombie

horror romantic comedy with a talking

cat in it

that is amazing you are crazy natasha

there is a fine line between crazy and

genius and i'd like to think i'm on the

right side of that line

yeah i'm leaving you're making a huge

mistake

this film was going to win you a factor

for everyone pew pew pew pew tiny batter

for you

i'll still be in your film i've got

nothing

better to do thank you

excuse me how do i get out of here just

one moment

using the door's locked help

how am i going to open it

oh

my god

[Music]

slight problem now because the lead

actress is

dead and you're still alive and

i kind of have to think about you know

the continuity

so that's okay

i understand i was thinking about doing

it myself anyway

oh come on you're not seriously still

gonna cast him as me are you

he was the only dead actor available but

we've been over this a hundred times

he's not sexy enough

you ripped out my gut am i gonna make a

film without my gut instinct

mate to be fair your gut instinct was

pretty [ __ ] but it was better than her

pretentious [ __ ]

nathan will you just get the [ __ ] out of

my head please am i dead

uh well technically you're in

catherine's hyperactive imagination but

i'm still dead

yeah no she stabbed you with a knife oh

i was just about auditioned for

hollyoaks am i dead too

you literally no one gives a [ __ ] about

you right what's this

film about you've never read the script

no i can't read

not even a producer just like wearing a

suit whoa whoa who the [ __ ] are they

they're characters in a film that i'm

gonna make soon soon you wrote the

script two years ago

we're supposed to be in production now

well i just

i haven't got around to you what about

us you are going to make us into a tv

series it's been five years catherine

five years we've been rotting away on

your hard drive

i just haven't had a chance to finish

the script unless she wrote you

i've been annoyed for so long why

haven't you written me down

i'm going to write you down soon you

haven't developed me

catherine what's my favorite color

what's my favorite color who is he

[Music]

don't ask you've really let us down

catherine

each and every one of us you think about

me all the time

but you never write me down at least she

still thinks about you

she's forgotten about us and us we're

nothing but ideas and ideas

what's my favorite color what's my

favorite color

just shut up just all of you just shut

up just shut the [ __ ] up

okay i admit it i've made a few

mistakes yeah you did [ __ ] that

executive wait you [ __ ] the executive

why didn't you just suck his dick i've

done things that i'm not proud of

but i did them all for all of you

my imagination is the most important

thing to me and i promise you

the world will know you but for now

i'm gonna make this film even if it

kills me

how the only thing we need

is a camera

i brought the gopro

[Music]

wait what's my line again it's just

you me and our perfect little world okay

okay got it i got it okay

it's just you me and our perfect little

world cup that was [ __ ] can you do it

again please

it's just you and me and our perfect

little world cup

no it's just you me in our perfect

little world can you just act

better is that possible could you maybe

just act better that would be great

great okay natasha this is a really

close shot

so if you can just be less

be less do less do less do less with

your face

good oh come on you're not really gonna

cost him as me are you

look with a little bit of makeup he

looks great

yeah but he's all noddly and i'm

supposed to be sexy sorry hey

i had sex once it was lovely

she charged me double

great you know what would be cool

it's a zombie talking dog everybody

loves zombie animals

shut up nathan shut up nathan literally

i can't think with you chipping in with

your stupid ideas

shut up yeah i just i don't know about

you but i'm finding natasha really

difficult

to work with today i mean obviously

don't say anything about oh hi natasha

yeah um yeah we're just going over

the scene with michael um yeah we'll

call you back when

we need you though seriously i don't

know what her problem is

we need something else we need something

else we need we just need we just

ah it just needs more it just needs more

than what you're giving me guys

this performance natasha is lifeless

okay

in this scene we just need more just

give me more no slightly less

perfect action cut this is not

this is not what i imagine i just wanted

something

it needs a bigger uh he's a bigger

finish he's a big it needs a big

ending we need something to end on we

need to

um i just need more it just needs

something else

and that will be the perfect thing i

know it's going to be perfect

[Music]

your eyes

hi can i help you hi my name's catherine

sweeney i recently [ __ ] your husband

but now

i'd like you to be in my film

there we go yes

yes this looks so good now we just need

to make sure

that we get you right in the light

okay there we go

the one thing i always have on a film

set

is gather because you never know when it

could come in handy

okay we just need to make sure

that this is covered because you know we

need to look after the location you know

what these location people

are like we just need to make sure that

the floor is all covered up

and so that no blood gets on the floor

because

there is gonna be quite a lot of blood

what do we need what do we need what do

we need

makeup that's what we need call the

makeup lady oh it's also me

i'm just gonna put a little bit of

powder on you

just to make sure to take care of that

shine

no shiny faces i'm very proud of this

it is my own recipe up here

and then and you know maybe we're gonna

go for some splatter

you know generally just some there we go

i'm all about

being artistic

that is what we need that's good yeah

we're just gonna like if you're

okay do you think we need any more

do you think there's any in your opinion

let me know because you know this is my

film but i just want to make you feel

comfortable

okay so i think we are just

about ready to get started thank you

what's that is that him don't

say a word let's make this a surprise

anna i know

you in

hello darling the aesthetic effects look

amazing this really raises the

production values

tell me i'm a genius tell me i'm a

genius

tell me i'm a genius you

are time for your close-ups

thank you so much for having me back i

mean i know it's been a bit inconvenient

what

the whole police trying to find me thing

i just want you to know i

really appreciate how accommodating

you've been

thank you thank you so much for watching

my film

i'm speechless you've no idea how long

i've waited for this moment

and there were times when i thought the

whole world was against me

but i did it i made my

[ __ ] film you know ideas

are to a penny but one thing that

matters

is making them happen so if you have an

idea if you have a story to tell

you just go out there and you tell it

and you don't let anyone

or anything get in the way

go out there and make your masterpiece

any questions

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

so

so

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

um

rich and famous

rich and famous

[Music]

which

[Music]

with

you