Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(bell ringing)

(whistle blows)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(jazzy solo)

(chimes)

(tires screeching)

(honking horn)

D'oh!

(screaming)

(tires screeching)

And then, the handsome prince realized

he had to go to the bathroom really bad.

But the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room

in the most wicked condition.

So, the prince went out back to the enchanted alley...

That's not a fairy tale. It's something

that happened to you at Moe's.

Shh! Anyway, the prince

passed out for a hundred years

until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

And thank you, God

for the bad things adults do

which distract attention from stuff I'm doing.

Amen.

He's also thankful

for your bounty, Lord.

Good save, Mom. 'Night.

Sweet dreams, honey.

Uh, Mom?

Will you help me with my project?

I need to make a working model

of the digestive system.

Of course, honey.

Thanks. It's due tomorrow.

Tomorrow?! Well, that's too bad, mister.

I'm not going to bail you out this time.

You're right, Mom. I understand.

All right. I'll get you the materials

but you're building it.

OK.

Oh, I'll make the whole thing.

OK, paper-mache mix, pipe cleaners,

pig intestines and sparkle paint.

You're a lifesaver, Apu.

All the other stores are closed.

(gasps) At 11:30?

But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers

buying shiny things.

Whoa!

It's a living mirror!

Cool hat!

I'm glad you're always here.

But isn't it a little rough on your marriage?

You know, Manjula understands.

I told her that endless toil is the only true path

out of this jerkwater burg.

Well, when you have a free night,

we'd love to have you two over for dinner.

Oh, please, do not be insane.

You hosted our wedding!

The least we can do is have you over for dinner.

It is payback time, and this time...

it's personal.

(humming)

Wow! That looks great, Mom!

Some of your best work.

(gurgling)

Oh, it sounds so real!

I didn't turn it on yet.

(gurgling)

Uhh, oh, I'm never eating

chili again.

Ooh, chili!

Nelson, what are you doing?

I'm solving world hunger.

-(gurgling) -BART: Hey, you're wrecking it.

What the-- look out! It's gonna blow!

-(all screaming) -(bursts)

ALL: Ew!

-I hope you're happy, Nelson. -Very.

But I can't help wondering where I go from here.

Stop worrying, Apu.

The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands.

I'm not checking up on you, Sanjay.

I am simply asking you

how many pennies you have left.

(gasps) Seven? I'll be right there.

No, he won't.

Apu's entertaining tonight.

If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar.

-Oh! -This is why I married you.

Ooh, what an outfit!

You are one hot mama!

You think so?

I can't let you in the store

like that because you are smoking.

Oh! Apu.

(doorbell ringing)

Maybe we should not

-answer it, huh? -(door creaks)

Door's unlocked.

Oh, Marge, Homer,

welcome!

Yes, welcome.

What a lovely home!

Oh, you are too kind, Marge.

I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections

that fill me with shame.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home.

Well, let us just say we both feel bad.

Deal.

Who is your favorite

Indian pop singer?

Oh, don't make me choose.

Shankar, Shankar. Oh, here we go.

(frenetic high-pitched wailing)

-Oh, sorry. -(music slows down)

♪ You make me feel so young ♪

♪ You make me feel so spring-sprung ♪

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.

Mmm, this is delicious! What's in it?

Chickpeas, lentils and rice.

And what's in this?

-Chickpeas and lentils. -Try it with rice.

I'm so glad we were able to get together.

Well, you know how hard it is

to pry these two away from work.

(chuckling) Oh, yeah.

Homer's a real go-getter.

(laughing) Yeah.

I'm going right to the top.

(beeping)

Hmm, what's an "eltdown"?

Eh.

I don't understand, Marge.

Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day?

Eighteen hours?

Nobody works that hard...

(clears throat) Mmm-mmm.

But he does work every day, right?

Well, pretty much.

Except weekends.

Wee... kends?

Uh, say, who's up for a game of Ganesh-Gnop?

You told me it was an American tradition

to work all the time and never see your wife.

Yes, perhaps I stretched the truth a bit,

but the Kwik-E-Mart is a harsh mistress.

I think you just don't want to see me!

Eh! Maybe we should just close the door.

(arguing in Indian)

(arguing continues)

Maybe we should leave.

Uh-oh, no way.

I don't want to miss a word.

You don't know what they're saying.

I'm picking it up.

Sala seems to mean jerk,

and I think Manjula means some kind of spaceship.

Uh, this could take a while, folks.

Thank you. Come again.

I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble.

Aw, they're newlyweds. They'll talk things out

and top it off with some loving.

-Oh, dear. -Hmm!

(car honking)

MARGE: Either put the book down

or let me drive.

HOMER: Hey, they stole our idea.

-See? Look. -MARGE: Ooh!

(tires screeching)

"I cherish you, my precious." Uh... Nah.

"You're a heck of a blacksmith."

Nah, I already got him one.

"You're a-peeling"

"Let's never split!"

(laughing)

That's funny 'cause they're monkeys.

So long, rejects.

(grunting)

Stupid cards.

Morning, Apu.

Still in hot water with the squaw?

Worse than ever, I'm afraid.

My shameful neglect

has made her feel unloved.

Now I fear she will leave me.

Oh, she's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day.

That would be like going to an air show

and leaving before the plane crash.

Oh, you are right.

There's still seven days

before Valentine's.

Ah! Seven chances to prove

my love for sweet Manjula.

(slurps) Sweet mint julep...

I'll be at Moe's.

Hmm?

(growling and whimpering)

Come on, boy, come on.

Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him

fetch the Sunday paper.

(whimpering)

Good dog. Good doggie.

"Tax hike approved."

Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.

(whimpering)

Now to trim away the fat.

"Outlook." Ugh!

"Vista." No.

"Spotlight." Ugh! "Mosaic." Nah.

I'd love to look at "Scullery Week" if you're through.

Oh! Sorry, Marge. That's in my stockpile.

You can have this.

This is about investment opportunities

in Yemen.

Give me that!

All right, the personals.

Hmm... (humming)

"Successful mayor-type

seeks open-minded, discreet cheerleader-type."

Oh, that's sweet.

Ah, here's one. "Desperately seeking suction--"

Hey, look at this one!

(gasping) It's a poem.

(gasps) From Apu!

Well, don't just gasp. Read it.

"My darling bride, Manjula.

I hereby mend my ways.

I'll shower you with Valentines

for seven love-filled days."

Oh, how romantic!

I used to take out ads like that

when we were newlyweds.

The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.

We sold it, didn't we?

(both grunting)

Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.

I can't believe it.

He covered your whole bed

with wildflowers!

Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.

Hmm. Sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.

And he says I've got six more surprises coming.

I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.

-(squawking) -(screams)

-Oh! -(squawks)

♪ He loves the nightlife ♪

♪ He loves Manjula ♪

♪ The man they call Apu ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪ (squawks)

He has trained a bird to sing to me.

Limo out front. Tickets to opera.

Front row loge. (squawks)

(groans)

Just once, I'd like a parrot

to say that to me.

Then the bird sang "I Love the Nightlife"

with clever new lyrics.

Ugh! I hate that song.

I do, too, but it was sweet.

Women really like that sort of thing, Homie.

Don't worry, honey.

I got something really special planned

for Valentine's Day.

It's not that monkey card

I found in the car, is it?

Wouldn't you like to know?

(groans)

A chocolate husband!

Oh, how darling!

APU (muffled): Help! I can't breathe!

Oh, Apu!

Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.

(panting) Air... I need air.

Oh, Apu!

Oh! My ears are filled with nougat.

Oh, dear!

There's a nut in my eye.

So then, the second salesman says, "That's OK.

I just ate all the hot buttered corn."

(laughing)

You like that one, baby?

-Hmm. -Sarah, what's wrong?

Usually after two or three truly tasteless jokes,

you're all over me.

Manjula got to see

La bohème.

Sarah, please. Sarah, it's $10 a pill.

And so, with Valentine's Day one day away,

all eyes are on the local romeo

whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife

and introubulating the rest of us.

Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled

a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders.

Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.

See? The problem's communication.

Too much communication.

Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts

and you've spent less on gifts for me

than you have on temporary tattoos.

But Marge, it's worth it!

Look, the Taco Bell dog.

"Yo quiero ta..."

Hey, where'd it go?

Here, boy! (whining)

You just don't get it!

(door slams)

This Valentine's crap has gone too far.

(all agreeing)

Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.

My Barbara will no longer pleasure me

with the French arts.

The gal I'm stalking had me bumped

back to 200 feet.

-MAN: Oh, Moe! -That's too far.

HOMER: And ask yourselves, people,

who's to blame for all this?

Well, I guess we are.

I suppose I do take Maude for granted.

I've done some of that myself.

Will you stop it?

It's easy to blame ourselves,

but it's even easier to blame Apu.

He's making us look bad.

(all agreeing)

-[horse neighing] - What's going on out there?

(playing chamber music)

Aw, geez he's got everything but the Shriners.

(beeps horn)

Hey, watch it! You're all over the road.

We've got to stop that traitor Apu.

-ALL: Yeah! -That's right!

Right after happy hour.

(all agreeing)

-BARNEY: I call side seat! -MOE: Drinking will help us plan.

Come on, Apu. Make your move.

Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.

Naw, not our lover boy.

If I know his M.O.,

he's saved the biggest one for today.

Ah gee, the man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her.

How could we sabotage his labor of love?

I don't know. Gasoline, axes--

I got some stuff in the trunk.

-Hey, there he goes. -Let's roll.

Uh, Homer, you're driving.

Not yet, I'm not.

You'll know when I'm driving,

and it'll-- (shrieks)

Tiffany's, eh?

Yeah, looks like

Smoochy's going to seal the deal

with a diamond the size of a doll's head.

Aw, man, he's making us look like

a bunch of cheapskates.

Whoa, whoa, my rope came loose.

WIGGUM: There he is... behind that shopping bag.

A croissant? What the--

Ah, that's right! They have breakfast

at Tiffany's now.

Only till 11:00.

So, that's it.

The crazy nut!

He went and bought her a sloop.

Well, this is one love boat

that won't delight and amuse.

Wait, chief, he's not purchasing a boat.

Arr, it's kind of you

to deliver these copies of juggs.

They'll keep my men from resorting

to homosexuality...

for about ten minutes.

(all laughing)

Look who's talking.

Arr.

This is turning out to be

a total waste of time.

Not entirely.

Aw, geez we've been following him for hours.

You know, with all the energy

we're putting into this sabotage thing,

we could have written sonnets for our wives

or learned to tango or lovingly restored

one of those antique...

(yells) Ohh!

Whew! At least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.

Man, that smarts!

Oh, baby, we got him now.

There's no escape from the airport.

Oh, nuts! We lost him.

I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.

Hey, look! It's Elton John!

We had to make an emergency landing.

It's that damned chandelier again.

Aah!

What's he doing in Springfield?

I got it. I got it.

Apu must have hired him

to sing for Manjula.

Not if I can help it.

And help it I might.

Mr. John, I'm your biggest fan.

I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio.

Oh, that's very sweet!

-Have a Grammy. -Uh...

Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like

to dub you...

a Knight of the Grand Concourse.

Yeah. It's for all your charity work and, um...

for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again.

Really? I did that?

How the hell should I know? Just get in the cage.

What? Oh, hazing the new guy, eh?

You know, when I was dubbed "Sir Elton,"

the Queen paddled me silly.

Hey, Apu's talking to a skywriter.

So, that was his plan all along.

If he writes a message of love over Springfield,

we're all screwed.

ELTON: Hello? Lads?

Don't forget your old pal, Elton.

Can anyone hear me?

Skycap?

OK, here is the message,

and please don't skimp on the... sarin?

Don't be frightened.

That tank's just Peace Corps surplus.

HOMER: Not so fast, Apu!

Homer! What a delightful coincidence!

We're putting an end to your insane Valentine's rampage.

Never again will good, lazy men have to-- What the...

Oh, no, you don't!

(panting)

Hey, you with the scarf!

Stop skywriting!

I have to deliver a message.

It's the skywriter's code.

I am so sick of that damned code!

If you won't stop, then I'll stop you!

(grunting)

What are you doing? Don't do that!

(plane whirring)

Oh, isn't that sweet?

(sighs) That must be for Manjula.

Just once, I'd like a love note in the sky.

(chuckles)

(grunting)

Lousy message!

You crazy fool, you'll kill us all!

Correction, kill us both!

(Homer grunting)

I love you... it's an angel!

Ooh, that's Neddy's pet name for me.

I love you, poppin' fresh.

Oh, Clancy! (laughs)

I love you, Edna K. It's a little run together,

but that's what it says.

I love you... cactus?

Blobby? Upsilon?

Oh, who am I kidding?

Homer would never surprise me like that.

(aircraft whizzing)

MAN: Doggone it! You ruined my message!

What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard!

-Get off me! -You're making me mad!

-(both yelling) -Oh, me!

My humble love note is turning

into a Valentine's Day massacre!

You think you've got problems.

I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier.

Oh! Elton John?

That's my name.

Well, not really.

I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...

(screams)

That maniac nearly killed us.

Shall I... take you to the pilot?

Ha! You see, because that is your song...

-I heard you. -Yes, because...

someone saved your life tonight.

-(laughs) -Cut it out!

Well, well, "The Bitch is Back." (laughs)

(exasperated sigh)

Aah! Ow!

Durn'it! Why won't you die?

(yelling)

Oh, prickers! (screaming)

Huh? (gasps)

(whimpering)

(gasps)

What in the world?

(groaning) Roses...

So many roses.

Just when I think I have you figured out,

you fall from the sky with roses.

Roses...

Oh, Homie! Oh, they're beautiful!

Oh, I'm going to snuggle your brains out.

Well, I think I have a collapsed lung... but OK.

♪ If I was a sculptor, heh But then again, no ♪

♪ Or a man who makes potions ♪

♪ In a traveling show ♪

♪ I know it's not much but it's the best I can do ♪

♪ My gift is my song, yeah ♪

♪ And this one's from Apu ♪

Oh...

Oh, I can't believe it.

You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.

Well, you and the health inspector.

Champagne squishy?

Oh, thank you!

It should get you pretty darned hammered.

(theme music playing)

-(murmuring) -Shh!

Captioned by Visual Data Media Services