All language subtitles for The Nanny s06 e08

I can't wait any longer.

-Sweetheart.
-Mom.

How is she? How is the baby?

Fran, I am so sorry.

I lost the baby?

Well, let me explain.

In rare instances

the HCG levels can elevate
to such a vast concentration

that it emulates--

What the hell are you
talking about?

A false positive. It turns out
you were never pregnant.

[all] What?

My married daughter
isn't pregnant?

How could you screw up
like this?

Screw up has
a negative connotation.

We prefer to use
the word mishap.

Well, what was all that
stomach pain I was feeling?

That was caused
by something you ate.

Fran, I can't tell you
how sorry I am.

Darling, everything is okay.

The important thing is you're
all right.

Yeah.

But you, however...

You are going to call
Myra Needleman herself

and explain why
the Hadassah Newsletter

suddenly has no headline!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you must be feeling--

I can't even imagine
how you're feeling.

Oh, it's okay.
You know, what are you gonna do?

I guess it just--
It wasn't meant to be.

Look on the bright side,
now this'll give you time

to get used to the name Shlomo.

Why don't you go pay the bill

and I'll get my things together
and then we'll go home.

-You sure you're all right?
-I'm fine.

I'm absolutely, perfectly fine.

All right.

[sighs] Yeah.

Honey, you forgot
to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Are you sure you're gonna be
all right?

-You don't want me to stay
with you here?
-I'm okay. You can go to work.

All right.

-Love you.
-Love you.

Darling, you do realize you're
still holding on?

Yes, I do.

Sweetheart, would you like
to talk?

Yes, I would.

Do you mind if we do it
sitting down?

Okay.

There we are.

Now, darling, what's the matter?

Oh, honey, I know that I was
really strong at the hospital

but to tell you the truth,

I already started
loving that baby.

Oh, darling, I know, so did I.
But you know what they say.

If at first you don't succeed,
try and try again,

and again, and again, and again.

I love you so much right now.

Come with me,
I wanna show you something.

Look at this.

I already did a little shopping.

Oh, Fran.

-What if it's a boy?
-Oh, well...

Darling, the child isn't
even born yet

and already you're
pressuring him to be a doctor.

Well, they didn't have
little lawyer suits.

-Darling, I love you so much.
-I love you.

I can't wait to come home,
climb into bed,

and start again-ing again.

Oh, Ma, guess what.

Maxwell and I decided
that we're gonna try

and make a baby right away.

Oh, mazel tov, darling.

No jumping. No jumping.

-Love you.
-I love you, son.

Everything is gonna be
wonderful.

You'll have a baby
before you know it.

Oy, it's gonna take forever.

He's over 40, and his sperm are
practically in a coma.

Ma, what are you saying?

I'm saying his little fish are
gonna need a little help
swimming upstream.

-Franny?
-What?

I know someone
with the exact same problem.

Just got married,
thought she was pregnant,

found out she wasn't.

Yetta, that's me.

Oh. Well, then you tell it.

You know something?

When my mother
couldn't get pregnant,

she went to an herbologist.

And then, she had three of--

Of the dumbest kids
I have ever met.

Yetta, you're talking about Val.

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Well, then you tell it.

You know, it might not be
a bad idea going
to a herbologist.

Your cousin Merle went.
Remember? Mr. Fu?

Ma, you want me to put
my husband's little swimmers

in the hands of a man
whose office is
in a Chinese restaurant?

It's Cantonese.

And it's behind the restaurant.

Meanwhile, he gave Merle
a bunch of roots and crap

and bam, she got pregnant.

All right, I'll talk
to Max about it.

No.

-Why?
-He'll lose confidence,

he'll feel emasculated

and then he'll never
wanna have sex

with you again and then he'll--

And then you'll have her
marriage.

Oh, nice.

-Would you look
at all this stuff.
-Yeah.

Oh, I wonder what this is for.

Oh, this is very good
for the brain. Makes you smart.

Fifty cents a bottle.

And how much for two bottles?

You better take the large.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Fu, I'm Fran.

And, you know, we're having
a little trouble conceiving.

Say no more.

This is an ancient
Chinese mushroom root.

You put it in a shake
and he takes one every 24 hours.

But how many times a day?

Oh, thank you.

So this stuff is really
gonna make his little soldiers
swim faster?

Just ask Mrs. Fu.

Congratulations, Mrs. Fu.

So the shake got you pregnant?

No, unfortunately,
I also had to use Mr. Fu.

-And if you need
a little extra help...
-Yeah?

...eat these special
almond cookies.

It'll make the two of you
really hot for each other.

Wow, that's very thoughtful

but to tell you the truth,
my husband and I don't need
any help

-in that department.
-Yeah.

Why would a woman under 30
need any help?

You know what?
You better give me three dozen.

Yeah. Here, just give me
the whole box.

Val, I find these instructions
so confusing.

No, it's easy, Fran.

Look. Here's the protein shake
that'll help Max's swimmers.

And if he's not in the mood,

here are the cookies
that'll help make him frisky.

Val, I'm the cookie
that'll make him frisky.

Meanwhile, I think it is
high time that the Western
medical community

recognize the value
in ancient Chinese medicine.

Val, those smart pills
are really beginning to kick in.

Isn't it prodigious?

Well, now you're
just showing off.

Fran, you have time
to help me with my homework?

Sure, honey,
I always have time for you.

What's the subject?

Honors Algebra II.

Look, sweetie,
your square root's all off.

-Fran, look, her square root's
all off.
-Yeah.

-Oh, yes. I see.
-Yeah.

Valerie, why don't you take
young Gracie upstairs

and, you know, do whatever
to make it more prodigious.

What's that, Nanny Fine?
Slimfast?

No.

Swimfast.

Why would a woman go
to such lengths to have a baby?

You know, in fact,
I was thinking about having
one of those operations

but then I thought
what if I marry a wealthy man

who insists I produce an heir?

Oh, stop deluding yourself.

Go ahead and have the vasectomy.

Oh, Niles.

I have such a good comeback.

But don't you have to go
wash your boss's underwear?

You know, Nanny Fine may not
know how to work an oven

but she knows
how to get good takeout.

These cookies are delicious.

Well, they are pretty good,
aren't they?

In fact, they're not bad at all.

Niles, is that a new apron
you're wearing?

Have you guys seen Mom or Dad
in the past couple of days?

Yeah, what have they been doing?

Hey, Niles, you know
what Mom and Dad
have been up to?

Erm...

They're trying to co-produce
a new project.

Wow, Dad's gonna let Fran
handle his business?

Eat your eggs.

Hi, baby.

Hi, dumpling.

Um, you smell good.
What is that?

Lemon bowl fresh.

You're wearing those extra-wide
shoulder pads today, aren't you?

I'm not wearing any.

Better.

Should we worry about this?

Let them experiment.
I hope it's just a phase.

-Niles!
-What?

Niles, quick, quick.

Throw this pregnancy test away.
Quick, quick as you can.

Well, I could have done that.
I meant throw it away outside.

Well, you could have done
that, too.

It's another negative. I've been
trying to hold off this bad news

as long as possible.
The poor thing will fall apart.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Maxwell,
as long as I have you here,
there's some business

we need to take care of.
It seems that--

Stop it.

It seems Andrew Lloyd Webber
was slated

to doHollywood Squares
this week.

Oh, that is so typical
of the man.

Oh, he's all commercial.

Honestly, he'd sell out
at the drop of a hat.

And he has the gall
to call himself
a man of the theater?

Well, they couldn't get him.
They want you instead.

Oh, I'm gonna do
Hollywood Squares?

Honey.

Honey.

You seen my pregnancy test?

Sweetheart, guess who's going
to meet nine celebrities

and I'm gonna let her
bring her camera?

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna doHollywood Squares.

Oh,Hollywood Squares.
I loveHollywood Squares.

Oh, honey, that's so exciting.
Have you seen my pregnancy test?

Whoopi Goldberg's
gonna be on the show and--

I know, why don't you invite
your mother?

You're inviting my mother too?

Oh, the test was negative,
wasn't it?

Oh, darling, darling,
I'm so sorry.

I don't understand this.
Why aren't we getting pregnant?

I mean, we keep trying
again and again and again.

I know, darling. I know, I know.

Look, look, I'm tired,
you're tired.

What do you say we just rest
for a while and wait a bit
until we try again, hmm?

What do you say I go

and make the arrangements
forHollywood Squares

and then I'll take
my beautiful wife out
for a lovely, romantic dinner.

Oh, that's so sweet. I love you.

We're not going to wait.

We're gonna try again right now,
aren't we?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[sighs]

Fran, don't be so depressed.

Dr. Reynolds said
there's nothing wrong
with you or Maxwell.

Oh, well, then why'd
she prescribe those stupid
hormones for me?

Darling, taking hormones is
a natural thing.

Your Aunt Addie
and your Uncle Artie,
both took them.

Ma, that's because Aunt Addie
was Uncle Artie.

Shh.

She's collecting
two Social Security checks.

All right.

You know, I never understood
why people buy toilet water.

You ever smell the water
in a toilet?

It's not that great.

What's the matter, Val?
You stop taking
your smart pills?

I had to,
it gave me terrible gas.

What is the use of being
brilliant when nobody wants
to come near you?

Mrs. Fran Sheffield,
your hormones are ready.

Shh.

Does everybody have to know
my business?

It's not like when you had
that nauseous-making rash.

Stop it.

Just give me my prescription,
and I'll take an ovulation kit,
please.

-And here.
-Oy, are you a mess.

I'm glad I didn't ask you out
like your mother wanted me to.

Ma.

Well, you weren't married

and... that was really it.

Well, Val, we better hurry up

because Maxwell's expecting me
back at the house in an hour.

You know, the one good thing
that has come out of all of this

is that it's made me and Max
inseparable.

If you know what I mean.

And remember,
until you're ovulating

you and your husband
cannot have any sex.

Well, so far I think
abstaining is going quite well.

Darling, it's been five minutes.

Would you like
to watch television?

No, then we'll just have
to go downstairs.

No, we've got one right up here.

Really?

We just haven't had occasion
to use it.

Why don't we just try talking?

Oh, right. That's a good idea.

Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong?

Oh, maybe sex is the only thing
we have in common.

Now, darling,
don't be ridiculous.

We have lots of things
in common.

-I don't think we do.
-Oh, yes.

Yes, of course we do.

All right, darling,
we should stop this.

Oh, I know.

No, darling, really.

I know, I know.

All right, I'm serious now.
Stop.

All right, you know what?

Why don't we just count
to three, and then
we'll pull apart.

All right. On three or count
to three and then pull apart?

I know. We'll make it easy.
Let's just count to 300.

Right.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't wanna do anything
that's going to jeopardize us
making a baby.

This is ridiculous.
It can't be as hard as all that.

I mean, you abstained
for five years. How on Earth
did you manage that?

More M&M's, sweetheart?

And in our center square,
as always,

Whoopi Goldberg.

-Yetta.
-Ma, are you nuts?

Why are you dressed like that?

I didn't know what to wear
to this game show,

so I put on what I wore
to the last one.

This is so exciting.

I can't believe that I'm this
close to Whoopi Goldberg
and Howie Mandel.

Now, Fran, don't take this
the wrong way,

but why is your husband up there
with all those famous people?

-Val, a lot of people know
who Max is.
-Oh.

I'll take that guy who replaced
Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Okay. Maxwell Sheffield,
famous Broadway producer.

Four shows on Broadway,
Tony Award winner,
recently knighted.

What have you got
to say for yourself?

Actually, Tom, that's
Andrew Lloyd Webber's bio.

Sorry. All right, here's
your question, Maxwell.

"In England, what do you get
when you ask a waitress
for a banger?"

Well, Tom, I've got--

I'll tell you what I got, I got
six months of penicillin shots.

Thank you, Martin.

I'll just wait for the laughter
to die down before I give
my answer.

[clears throat]

Well, Tom, when I ask
for a banger, I get a slap
in the face.

Sausage?

Buy a vowel.

-I agree.
-Sausage is right, yes.
X gets the square.

I'll take Howie Mandel to block.

All right, that's it.
I want a new square.

Brad Pitt wouldn't get picked
in this box.

I wanna be on top of Whoopi.

Honey, if you was Brad Pitt,
you would be.

All right, all right, now.
Howie, "In the story of Hanukkah

what miraculously lasted
for eight days?"

Esther's husband.

Where is Fran, already?

She went to the bathroom
to take her ovulation test.

-Now?
-Yeah, she has to take it

the exact same time every day.

Val. Val, Val.

I'm ovulating. Now is the
perfect time for me
to be with Maxwell.

-What am I gonna do?
-What can you do?

-He's in the middle
of a TV show.
-I know, I know.

All right, all right.
Relax, Fran.

You know, you've gone
without sex for this long.

Is another month
really gonna kill you?

-Excuse me? What are you doing?
-Oh, Ms. Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm so sorry, I just--
I have to have sex right now.

You know, usually they ask
for my autograph. What is this?

Honey. Honey, honey,
my temperature's right.
It's time.

[clears throat]

I think that one took.

-Is that lemon bowl fresh
I smell again?
-Yes.

Well, it's disgusting.
It smells like a men's room.

And you'd know.

I don't know what I found
attractive about you
the last few days

but you are totally back
to repulsive.

Ditto.

Would you be interested
in taking a Jacuzzi?

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]