All language subtitles for The Nanny s05 e05

Well, it's been five days

and I haven't
lost a single pound
on this damn liquid diet.

Maybe because it's gin.

[mouthing]

Nanny Fine,
how do you eat like that
and stay so thin?

I have a very fast
metabolism.

Every time I think
about how old I am

and the fact
that I'm still single,
my heart starts racing.

Niles, were you listening in
on the terrace

when I had my meeting
with that accountant?

I most certainly was not.

Good, 'cause I just had
the French doors painted.

Oh, well,
I'll warn the children.

Good god, man.

Is it so bloody important
for you to know
how much I'm worth?

Niles, you have
paint on you.

[chuckling] So do you.

[phone ringing]

Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning.

Honestly,
keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock job.

I hardly have time
to skulk about.

Niles, it's the Spy Shop.
Your night vision goggles
are in.

Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.

And tomorrow,
I'm disconnecting
that bloody intercom.

Oh, sir, not the lifeline.

Honestly, if I were
Mrs.Sheffield,

my first act would be...

Well, my second act
would be to fire
that no-good lint trap.

If you were
Mrs. Sheffield?

Please hang up
and dial again.

Nanny Fine,
I am perfect for Maxwell.

I am dependable,
respectable,

and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.

So you're a Volvo.

Unfortunately for you,
Mr. Sheffield wants
to get his hands

on something a little sportier
that he can take the top down.

Well, you know,
obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do?

Dress up like piñatas,
blindfold Maxwell,

give him a stick
and see which one of us
he whacks first?

No. I was going to say

that we should get
an impartial third party
to be the judge.

But, you know, your way
is a nice tip-of-the-hat
to Mexican culture.

An impartial third party?
Like whom?

Well, like
Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I met her once.

She's very smart.
She was onHollywood Squares.

She knows things.

Oh.

♪ She was working
in a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair
she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Oh, thank you,
Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.

It's all set.

She's gonna come over and
observe us with Mr. Sheffield

and determine
who will make the better wife.

-You're kidding.
-No.

She has a great deal of respect
for our experiment.

She has a musical she wants
to pitch to Maxwell?

Wrote a score forNuts.

Well, let's just keep this
between us because
if Maxwell finds out,

neither of us
will have a shot at him.

He'll think
we're both morons.

Good. I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what?

In case he does find out,
let's just tell him that
Val thought of it.

That won't be a tough sell.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

And with my Vinnie Barbarino
glass from Chevron?

You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.

You know, even if I could
keep Dr. Brothers
coming here a secret...

And I wouldn't
take those odds
to Vegas...

How do you plan
to explain her presence
to Mr. Sheffield?

The woman deals with
the psychologically deranged.

She could be here
for Ma, me, Gracie.

And let me tell you something,
mister, you ain't far
from the top of the list.

And don't you blab.
I will know,
because Mr. Sheffield

always acts self-conscious
when he knows
he's being watched.

Mmm.

What?

-Nothing.
-Nothing.

Well, why are you
staring at me?

What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.

Well, I can't now.
You're watching me.

Makes me feel
very uncomfortable.

So much
for making amateur videos
on our honeymoon.

I just hate
these credit applications.

Date of birth?
Not applicable.

Mmm-hmm.

Sex? Five years ago,
Tuesday.

Well, what do you need
another credit card for
anyway?

Oh, I wanna get credit
so I can buy
some new outfits

to impress
Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I mean, look at me, Val.
I look like a cheap tart.

And not in the good way.

Yeah, but I think
under "salary,"
you made a mistake.

Well, that's because
last time I put my real salary
on an application,

they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.

You know,
I remember that.

It had a surprisingly tangy
aftertaste.

You know,
maybe I shouldn't put
50 grand down.

It sounds like
I'm trying too hard.

Yeah, 50 is too much.

Make it 49.99.

That's how they sucked me
in on the Abdomenizer.

Yeah, that's good.

[sighs]

♪ And when I get that feeling ♪

♪I want, ow, sexual healing

♪ Sexual healing ♪

♪Something that's
good for me

[sighs]

Oh, crap.
I dusted through Rosie.

I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.

No, I really shouldn't snoop.

But maybe I'm a reference,
in which case
I have a right to know.

Where's age? Age, age, age.

Hmm, this must
have been age.

Let's see. Salary...

Sir, I demand a raise.

Niles, I am actually
in the room.

So you might want
to rehearse this
somewhere else.

I am saying it
to your face this time.

I demand a salary increase
and I demand it now.

Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.

You know, normally my answer
would be no.

But based
on your bold approach,
my answer is, "Hell, no!"

How dare you come
barging in here like that,
making demands.

-Can't you see I'm busy?
-Yes, I know how much effort

goes into ordering
an air conditioned pith helmet
from the Sharper Image.

Niles, what exactly brought
on this sudden surge
of greed, anyway?

Well, I was upstairs looking
through Ms...Ms. Magazine.

Did you know that
like many women
in today's marketplace...

I too am underpaid?

Well, I happen to think
you're very well paid
for drinking my brandy,

smoking my cigars
and giving conducted
tours of the house,

when I'm not here,
saying it belongs
to Jacqueline Onassis.

Bouvier.
Before she was married.

Look,
if it wasn't for me,

you'd still have
that summer job
playing ukulele

on some London sidewalk
with your partner, Larry.

Well, at least Larry
treated me like a human.

Well, of course
he treated you like a human.
He was a bloody monkey!

Look, if you're not happy here,
perhaps it's time
you made other arrangements.

All right, then,
you repressed tightwad.

-I quit!
-Oh, good.

Go and quit then. Go!

By the way,
there was a call

from someone who wants
to back your new show.

-Well, who was it?
-It was...

Oh, my god, Niles.

-Did I just hear you quit?
-Hmm.

How can you,
after all you two have
been through together?

Do you remember
when Mr. Sheffield had
that horrible contagious flu?

You were the only one
that he would let
in his room.

Yes. It's memories like that
that will sustain me

until I get
to the curb outside.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you can't just let Niles go.

You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.

[sniffing] Oh, god...
Do you smell delicious...

What is that?

Are you wearing Aramis?

You can forget it, Ms. Fine.
My mind is made up.

Niles is
nosy, greedy, surly,
and he's gone.

Now... [clears throat]
as lady of the house,

I want you to start finding
a replacement immediately.

Oh, come on.

You want me
to replace my best...
Lady of the house?

You know,
that Niles could be surly
from time to time.

What's going on?

Niles quit.

Thank you.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hi, Ma. What are you
doing here?

Don't you remember?
We're having lunch
with Aunt Freida.

It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.

Oh, which husband?

Well, since she's
buried seven,

she decided to lump them all
together like Presidents' Day.

Well, you know,
as much as I'd love
to watch you and Freida

fight over who
gets the chicken butt,

I've really gotta find
a replacement for Niles.

-I can't believe he quit.
It's so sad.
-I know, I know.

I can still smell
his chicken cacciatore.

It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.

Yeah.

-[doorbell rings]
-Oh, that's Freida.
Ma, you be nice.

Well, now that
my sister-in-law Freida
is a millionaire,

let's see if, God forbid,
she brings cake.

Ma, you're going out to lunch.
What do you need a cake...
Oh, for the cab ride.

-Aunt Freida.
-Frannie.

[kissing]

Hi, Syl.

[kissing]

Oh, Sylvia, I love
the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.

You know, it's nice
when you get a little older
to go a little softer.

Like your tuchus.

So where's
Mr. Hunky Butler?

Oh, Hunky
went out the door.

You mean, he quit?

Oh, well, maybe he left
a little chicken cacciatore
in a ziplock?

Been there, done that.

You know, Freida,
I was just gonna say, I mean,
it's kind of awkward for me...

but since you're so loaded
and you've got
so much money...

Franella, say no more.

You're mishpachah.

Here, doll.

Oh, no, Freida.

I just meant
I thought you
should hire Niles.

Oh.

I don't know, a butler?

You know,
I'm just not comfortable
bossing people around.

Sylvia, a cold drink.

[snapping fingers]
Move it.

I'll dance
on your grave someday.

You know, maybe I could
use some help.

I've got all that
Lardo porcelain to dust.

Freida, it's Lladró.

If you can pronounce it,
I can afford it.

-Ms. Fine.
-Yeah? What's the matter?

I want to let you know,
you can call off the search.

C.C.'s found the perfect butler
with sterling credentials,
I might add.

-I'm very pleased.
-Oh.

-Thank you, C.C.
-[chuckles]

You're welcome, honey.

Did you hear that?

He is pleased
with the help I hired.

I think Dr. Brothers
would approve.

All right, you win.

When me and Mr. Sheffield
get married,
you can hire all the help.

All right, girls, well,
it looks like I can have lunch
with you after all.

Ooh! How about Mexican?

Nah, I'm in the mood
for matzo ball soup.

-[sighs]
-Have you tried
Casa de Hadassah?

No, I hear
they have great fajitas.
Kosher fajitas.

Oh, my God, they've got
a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.

I love it.

And finally, Trevor,
this is the kitchen,
your domain.

We have
the butler's pantry on the left,
the wine cellar on the right

and the trampy nanny
on her ass.

Listen, Trevor.
Let's just get one thing
straight right off the bat.

You took my best friend's job,
so you and I are not gonna
be compadres.

As long as we're being honest,
I don't want your mother
dropping by incessantly.

A woman her age
should be retired
and living in a warm climate.

You know, I got two tickets
forRent

What do you say
we go together?

And as for your attire,
it is inappropriate
for the nanny

to be seen
in such revealing outfits

in front of the master
and his children.

Please. If I wanted
to be revealing,

I could have
unbuttoned these buttons

and I wouldn't
have worn a bra.
Ooh! Whoo! Peekaboo.

Oh, how can
you stand him?

I mean,
he's so cold, stuffy
and repressed.

I know, honey,
but he is your father.
Oh, you meant Trevor.

Why are you children
still here?
You should be in school.

Oh, Fran's taking us
to Maury Povich to see
that 80-pound baby.

[chuckling]

Here. Dad doesn't
need to know.

Excuse me,
but I cannot be bribed.

This one's
gonna be trouble.

Oh, my god, Freida.

I know. It took forever
to paper over those
carved mahogany walls.

But don't judge it now.

When I get my furniture
out of storage, it'll fill
in all those bare spots.

Listen, Freida, I wanna
talk to you about Niles.
I want him back.

And you can get anyone
to do what he does
around here.

-[Niles] Oh, Freida.
It's booty call.
-[gasps]

Niles, you hussy you.

Don't knock it, baby.

[gasps] You got
a diamond ring?

And a dental plan?

I'm shag-a-delic, baby.

Oh, Frannie, it's so nice
to have a man
around the house.

Nilesy, I'm gonna
start the bath.

Don't be long,
my private dancer.

Niles,
I don't believe you.

Dressing up in sexy clothes,
throwing yourself at your boss.
It's sick.

Sick, sick, sick, sick.

Well, it seems the only way
I can make your high salary,

is to shake my groove thing
with Aunt Freida.

What do you mean,
my high salary?

I saw your
credit card application.

You put down that you make
50,000 dollars a year.

Oh, I had to.

That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield
that I'm 29.

I'm seeking "approval."

Now, come on,
I'm taking you home.

No, no. I will not have
Mr. Sheffield constantly
calling me a snoop.

I have my dignity.

[Freida] Nilesy!

Put on the velvet Speedo
with the bull's-eye.

Look, it's too late
to come back now.

I've made Freida's bed
and now I have to lie in it.

Well, fine.

Just remember, I've been
working for Mr. Sheffield
almost five years

and still I haven't
slept with him.

It's official.
I'm a schmuck.

I fixed you a drink,
Ms.Babcock.

I thought you might
be nervous about
Dr. Brothers' visit.

I hope she picks you.

Oh.

Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.

Nanny Fine
may be dumb enough
to honor our deal,

but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.

Oh, Nanny Fine,
that is low.

Well, I had
to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school.

I had trouble finishing school.

[doorbell rings]

Well, you look
ridiculous.

That is a cheap, dowdy,
matronly sack.

On you, it sings.

Hello. C.C. Babcock.

Everyone's choice
for Mrs.Sheffield.

Hi, Dr. Brothers.
Good to see you again.

[high-pitched laugh]

You know, I don't want you
to feel any pressure at all
to pick me.

You know,
just because I could
get Mr. Sheffield

to listen
to your score forNuts.

I'm a professional, dear.

You can't play
passive-aggressive
with me.

Oh, well,
what do you say to this?

I got a rich aunt.
There's more where
that came from.

No?

Dr. Brothers,
you don't need her.

I am in show business.

I can arrange
that pitch meeting
with Maxwell.

I promise.

Ma, where did
you come from?

Der Weisse Engel
wouldn't let me in.

The boy had to
help me up the trellis.

The Sheffield line
ends here,okay?

-I wanna come back.
Hide me. Please.
-What... What happened?

I can handle the jacuzzis
and giving the oil massages.

I can suck
on a big toe the size
of a Louisville Slugger.

But I will not do windows.

-[Freida] Nilesy!
-Oh, god. Sasquatch.

[indistinct conversations]

-I heard what they said
about you.
-Quiet!

Trevor,
what the hell is going on
in my house?

I wouldn't know.
I don't get involved
in other people's business.

Well, that's not much
bloody good to me, is it?

You're fired.

-You, you're rehired.
-Do I get a raise?

-No.
-I'll take it.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Ms. Fine, what is
Dr. Joyce Brothers doing
in my sittingroom?

Well, if you must know,
she's here to decide
whether me

or Ms. Babcock
is more right for you.

Not that it's any
of your business.

What? You can't be serious.

Hey, you two have
turned into a couple
of complete morons.

-It was Val's idea.
-It was Val's idea.

Dr. Brothers, I don't know
under what pretense
these two got you here,

but I do apologize
for their lunacy.

No problem.

Act one.
A lone schizophrenic
prostitute sings.

♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪

♪Now they're calling me nuts

♪But I can't help it

Yes, and this is the room
where Ms. Bouvier first met
Jack Kennedy.

-Niles!
-Tour's over. No refunds.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]