Original subtitles

♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop

♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop

♪ Dop ba du, oh yeah

- Mm. [chuckles] - Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes, yes!

He's got nothing. No chance!

- Yeah. - He's got nowhere to put it.

- No, no, he's out. - He's done, he's done.

That's what I thought. - Hold on, hold on.

♪

- Oh, oh.

[cheering]

- Okay. - Come on, yeah.

- Come on, Terry. - Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

- I think he's done.

- Oh.

- No, no, no. He's done.

[cheering] - Yeah!

- Yeah, I'll never let you forget this, Terry McConky!

Never!

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" playing]

All right, crank up the Foreigner.

♪

- ♪ Well I'm hot blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot blooded

- ♪ Hook

♪ Got the hook and chatter

♪ Got the hook, ugh

♪ Got the hook and chatter

♪ Got the hook [siren blares]

- Hey, welcome to "Hook and Chatter."

The TFD sports podcast. Episode eight.

- This podcast is brought to you by Alohair,

The number two of two Hawaiian-themed

waxing salons in Tacoma.

From eyebrows to low brows, our deals are so good

you'd be macadamia nuts not to come by.

[bell blares] - Ha ha!

First topic, LeBron, Kobe, Michael Jordan.

Who's the best of all time?

- None of those guys!

It's Dirk Nowitzki, and I'll tell you guys why.

- Wait, what? - Nowitzki?

You're crazy, man. What are you talking about?

- I'm trying out a new persona.

The guy with the hot takes, the contrarian?

- You sound crazy. - How do podcasts make money?

- Computer, the-- - Ads.

How do you get ads? - Having content that is--

- By getting subscribers. How do you get subscribers?

- From TV.

- Contrarianism, hot takes.

You know, thinking outrageously outside of the box.

- Bickering creates a fun dynamic.

- Yeah, slamming people's good too, right?

Especially if they don't deserve it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hey, we should all be hot take guys.

- That sounds great. - Yeah!

- No, no, no. - Ike.

- I'm just kidding, guys. I'm being contrarian.

I'm being a hot take guy. That's what you do, right?

- And we're back. [horn blares]

- Nowitzki? Are you crazy?

He's only got one championship.

- It doesn't matter.

I believe he's the best, and here is why.

First of all, he's German.

How do you get better than Germans?

[mellow rock music]

- Are we really buying a boat together?

- Yeah, you know it.

Look at this baby, huh?

- Mm, I've always wanted a boat.

- I came up with a great name for it.

The Hook, Line and Sphincter.

- Why is it always dirty with you?

- What are you talking about? The name is hysterical.

- Why don't we try something like, uh, like Laurels

'cause that's what we're resting on.

Our laurels. The Laurel.

- Come on, Terry, live a little.

Boat names are supposed to be naughty puns, okay?

I got another one, The Glory Hull.

- Ugh. - Huh? Hmm?

- Gross. - You don't know.

- How about The Terry Cruise?

- You wanna name your boat after an actor?

- What actor? - Terry Crews.

- [sighs] It's Tom Cruise, sweetie.

And it's a pun. Terry cruise.

- Never mind. - Ugh, you're so dumb.

- I think it should be a fun pun.

Yacht-Sea.

Do you get it? Yacht-Sea.

- Yeah. Yeah, no, we got it. S-E-A, right.

- Um, Vicky. - Yes.

- Eddie and I are buying the boat.

- Mm-hmm. - So that means Eddie and I

are gonna name the boat.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it your name on the bank account or our name?

Because if we're both going to buy the boat,

we both can name it, okay?

- Owned. [laughs]

- All right, let's just come up with a name

we can all agree on.

- I got another one. Two firefighters on the ocean.

Let's call the boat Hot Sem--

[horn blares] - Next up,

tonight's MMA heavyweight title fight

just so happens to be at our very own Tacoma Dome!

- Bah!

Champion Stipe Miocic versus challenger

Bobby Ferapolis.

Stipe is considered the greatest

heavyweight of our time.

How do you like his chances?

- I give him no chance.

I think he's gonna get KO'd in round three.

I mean, he's clearly lost his step,

and his footwork is a mess. [cartoony sound effects]

- I'm gonna go one step further here, fellas.

I say he gets knocked out in round two.

- Oh! [horn honks, crash]

- Guys, Stipe is so predictable.

All he does is leg kick, leg kick, leg kick, leg kick.

Maybe after he gets knocked out,

he can get a job with the Rockettes.

both: Oh! [rimshot]

- I'll do you one better and say

he gets knocked out in round one

'cause he's over the hill.

- I bet I could beat him up too.

- I heard he's a terrible father.

[sad trombone music] - Yeah.

- Eddie, I don't wanna have to register as a sexual predator

because of the name of the boat.

- All your name ideas blow.

Fishy Business? Come on, dude.

- How about we call it Shrimp My Ride,

'cause you're such a shrimp? - [snorts]

- I'd actually be okay with that

because it would be a constant reminder of the time

I crushed you in that shrimp cocktail eating contest.

- What? You never beat me eating anything.

- I did beat you, Terry, right here in this very spot.

And I remember 'cause it was the same day

you went on your first date with Vicky.

- Oh, right. - I don't think I've ever heard

the full story about your first date.

- Sure you have. Eddie set us up as a prank.

- No, I know that part,

but I've just heard like bits and pieces.

- Well, Eddie thought we didn't have anything in common,

but as usual, Eddie was wrong.

He also forgot we almost went on a few dates in high school.

- Ehh, I'm not so sure about that, honey.

- No, I'm sure we did. - Uh, no. Nope.

That didn't really happen. - I'm positive.

- Oh, my God. Your memory sucks, dude.

- I wanna hear the full story. Come on.

- Okay. Okay.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was before Jimmy Bleeder opened Bleeder's Steakhouse.

He had another restaurant called Pounders

where you order food by the pound.

- Ugh. - It was pretty good.

Well, that night I got there early,

and I was looking pretty sharp,

but I had some major butterflies.

So I ordered a pound of onion rings to settle my stomach.

And that's when I saw Vicky,

and she looked incredible.

- Of course, she looked incredible.

She's a Penisi.

- It took her a while to see me.

But when she did, the sparks flew.

And I gotta tell you, I made all the right moves.

I was suave.

I was charming.

I was sophisticated.

Everything was perfect, including the cuisine.

[chuckles]

We had a great time, except for the butterflies.

They got the best of me.

She ended up taking care of me,

and that's when I knew she was the one.

We went on six dates in three weeks.

And the rest is history.

- That doesn't sound like a prank at all.

Sounds like Uncle Eddie killed it.

- Yeah, well, I'm glad you believe in fairytales, Lucy,

but that's not how it went down.

Let me tell you what really happened.

- That was the best podcast so far.

I bet you we double our subscribers after this.

- Cha-chingo!

- It is out in the world.

- That fast? - Oh, baby.

- Oh. - Hi. I'm Rosa Roberts.

I work with Stipe Miocic, the UFC fighter.

[laughter]

- Yeah, and I am the monster from "Stranger Things," hi.

- And I'm the Masked Singer.

- Yeah, and I am the professor--

Hall of famer Willie Mays.

- How can we help you? - I handle PR for Stipe.

You may not know this, but when he's not throwing down

in the ring, he's a firefighter.

And when he travels, he likes to visit local fire stations.

He's outside in the car.

[laughter] - Okay.

- Okay, who put you up to this? Was it Jiménez?

- Classic Jiménez. - Yeah, I'm sure he's still

mad at us about those murder hornets.

[laughter]

- Hey-yo! - Holy shit.

- What's up Station 24?

- Stipe.

- Granny. - Stipe.

- Kaponko Myawani. You can call me Andy.

- Stipe. - Stipe.

- Ha, that's cute. And you are Stipe too?

- Yeah--no. Well--

- Anyway, you guys-- beautiful station.

- Stipe, look, they have a podcast.

"Hook and Chatter." I love it.

We've got approximately 23 minutes

if you want Stipe to do a drop.

- Nah. - That's not necessary.

- Ugh. I love podcasts. I have my own.

It's called "Stipe or Not Stipe."

Kinda like Shakespeare. [forced laughter]

So what do you guys talk about?

- Nothing. - Sports.

- Ah! Sports!

Dude, let's do it. I'm an athlete. Perfect.

- No, don't worry about it.

- Yeah, you don't wanna waste your time.

- Stipe has millions of followers.

It'll boost your podcast instantly.

- Still, no thanks.

- Do you not know how podcasts make money?

- Is it from subscribers and subscribers

or is it because of contrarianism?

- Seriously, I would love to do it.

- Let's take some pics,

record the podcast, and get going.

- Awesome. - Okay, cool.

- We gotta delete the podcast. - I know.

- Lucy, the Penisis are legendary pranksters.

Vicky and I have been going head to head

since we were kids.

- You remember that time I made you believe

you were gonna be on the "Wheel of Fortune?

[laughter]

- I was 12.

- Oh, what an idiot.

- But anyway, with this prank,

I came up with the prank to end all pranks.

I was gonna set Vicky up with the biggest buffoon I knew,

Terrence Leslie McConky.

And he was perfect.

I told him I wanted to hook him up with my sister,

and he was so excited.

So excited he even touched my hair, which is a no-no.

And that's when part two of my plan came into play.

So the day of a date, I challenged Terry

to a shrimp cocktail-eating contest

knowing that a gut full of shrimp would make him

even more unappealing than he already was.

- No, hold on. That did not happen.

- Oh, yes, it did.

- So Vicky got to the restaurant,

and she was looking around for the guy

she thought I was setting her up with.

And when she saw Terry, she looked like she ate a bug.

- Hold on.

How do you know how she looked?

- I was there. - Bullshit.

- I was.

And I was looking real good,

with the clothes, the mustache,

the drink, the hair, but none of that mattered,

'cause once that shrimp cocktail kicked in,

all hell broke loose.

[screaming]

- I did not puke.

- Yes, you did. Vicky, back me up.

- Yeah, you puked. - Ba-boom!

- All right, maybe I got a little bit sick,

but Eddie was not there

and I did not lose a shrimp-eating contest.

- I don't understand.

Why would you do that to your friend?

- We weren't friends.

- What did you say?

- We weren't friends.

- [gasps]

- And this is our briefing room.

- Looks just like my briefing room.

This is where your chief stands and says,

"Do I make myself clear?"

- That's it. - I love it. Exactly.

- That's exactly how he does it every time.

- Should we follow you, Granny?

- No, I'm just going to the bathroom.

- Perfect, it's a good time for Stipe to go too.

- Ooh, good idea.

- Then we'll do the podcast and get going.

- To the bathroom. Hey, when we leave...

- You guys gotta delete this.

- But I don't know how to do that.

- I don't know how to do it either.

- Yo, Granny, come on, nature calls.

Whoo-yeah! [laughter]

- Went to our first Mariners game together in seventh grade.

- It was a school field trip. There were like 200 kids there.

- You were the best man at my wedding.

- Family obligation. Vicky kinda made me.

- Oh, come on Uncle Eddie.

I've heard plenty of stories of you guys,

and they all sound like the premise of a buddy film.

- Name one. - "Bad Boys,"

"Beverly Hills Cop," "Lethal Weapon."

- You're not dumb, are you? You're joking, right?

- He saved your life. - And I lost a nut doing it.

- Yes, and while I feel your pain there,

that still didn't make us friends.

- Okay, fine. We're not buying a boat together.

- Fine. - Fine.

- Fine. - Fine.

- Hey, just got to clear some space for memory.

- Better, man. I could talk all day.

- Yeah, Stipe uses up mad gigabytes.

- Friends call me "Mr. Gigs." - Oh.

- For all the mad gigabytes I use.

[computer chimes] - There it is.

What needed to be deleted is deleted.

- So you cleared up the memory? - I did.

- All the memories have been deleted.

- We are good. - Yeah.

- Wow, man, you guys are serious about your drive space.

- Yeah. - All right, let's do this!

[all vocalizing]

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to another episode of the "Hook and Chatter."

- Brought to you by Alohair.

- Tonight, we have a very special guest for you.

You may know him as a UFC heavyweight champion,

but we know him as a firefighter.

- And I know you guys as my brothers.

- Thanks, man. - Man.

- Give it up for Stipe Miocic.

- Hey now! [crowd cheers]

- So Stipe, you are in Tacoma for your big fight tonight.

Are you ready for it? - So ready.

- I just wanna jump in here and say

I think you're a great dad.

I mean, some people might say otherwise,

I don't know why they would do that.

I would never personally say something like that.

But just so we're clear on that.

You ready for the fight?

- Hell, yeah, I am. Hey, listen,

I'm hanging with my new best friends.

- Oh, hey! [crowd cheers, horn blares]

He's talking about us. - Hey.

[laughter]

- You are unreal, man! - Oh, gosh.

- All right, guys, hey, I gonna get going,

but I wanna hear your predictions for tonight.

- Oh, well, you're definitely gonna win.

KO in the third round.

- I'll go one step further

and say you'll put him to sleep in round two, champ.

- Excuse me. Hot take, round one.

- I love it. I love it. - Thank you, Stipe.

Good luck tonight on the fight, and thank you out there

for listening to another episode of "Hook and Chatter."

[siren blares, bell rings] - Thanks so much.

- Ah, man, you were great. - That was so fun.

Hey, brothers, I'd go into a fire with you anytime.

- Come here, man. - Buddy.

- Oh, man. - Man! Ah!

- Granny, Andy, Little Stipe,

parting is such sweet sorrow.

[grunts] - Ah.

[gentle music]

- All right. - Yeah.

- Cool.

- I love you guys.

- Hey, go get him, champ!

- For a guy who punches people in the face for a living,

he's a really, really nice guy.

- Right? Nice. - I know.

I feel so guilty for everything we said about him.

- Right.

- Stipe taught me something today,

and now I'm a better person.

- He has that effect on all of us.

Son of a bitch.

- Come here. [sobbing]

- I love you guys. - I love you guys.

I was really scared. [all sobbing]

I was really nervous. [all sobbing]

- Okay, you're not Lucy's godfather anymore.

- Oh, really? - And you're not her uncle.

- Hold on.

- Well, Terry, you can't really declare that.

- I can and I did. - Okay. Knock it off.

- But he said we're not friends.

- He's just trying to push your buttons.

Now, both of you have a seat, and I am going to tell

the story of what really happened.

- We should take the rest of the shift off

and actually go to the fight.

And hang out with him afterwards.

- Dude's been training for months.

He's probably ready to party.

- Hey, we should offer to pay the change fee for his flight

and take him out to the engine house

for like beer wings and shuffleboard and stuff.

- A whole night on the town. - Yeah, he'd probably love it.

- It's Stipe. - No way.

- Ha-ha, dude! - Hey man,

you're on speakerphone. How are you doing?

- What's up, man? We're all here, my brother.

- I just wanna let you know that Rosa downloaded

your last podcast for me while we were taking pictures.

My left is slow?

- What? - My footwork sucks?

I should join the Rockettes?

- No, no, no, no. - I'm a terrible father?

- That was a hot take. - I've got a hot take.

You're fucking dead!

I'm coming back to kick your asses!

- Put it away. Put it away.

- I told you a podcast was a bad idea.

- Just wait, I can't think straight.

Is that a hot take?

- I should have seen it coming.

Eddie said he set me up

with the hottest probie at 24, Dak Blunt.

- Did I say hottest? I meant sweatiest.

- You thought Dak Blunt was hot?

- But I did marry him. Settle down.

I wasn't a fan of Pounders, but I went,

and when I walked in,

the first thing I saw was Eddie's friend.

- He wasn't my friend. - Okay, yeah, we get it.

Anyway, the guy was finishing off a pound of onion rings,

and ehh, I didn't wanna make it weird,

so I avoided eye contact while I looked for my date.

But then I saw Eddie. He was behind a plant.

And you had that stupid mullet.

- If by mullet you mean my sweet ass pompadour,

then yeah, it was a mullet.

- And I realized I'd been duped.

- Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap! - So sorry to interrupt--

- Can we have the rest of the day off?

Just the rest of the day off? - Hey, you know better.

You're in the middle of a shift, go roll some hoses.

- Ah! This way, this way.

- Anyway...

I knew that Eddie thought he had pulled off

this epic prank.

So decided to enjoy myself.

- [mouthing words]

- And then your father puked.

- You didn't enjoy our first date?

- No, Terry, you puked up

like a hundred shrimp and a pound of onion rings.

- How could you even eat onion rings

after you ate all that shrimp?

- What do you eat to settle your stomach?

- I don't.

- How do you not remember the shrimp-eating contest?

- Oh, you know what? I do you remember it now.

I won. [chuckles]

- [grumbles] - I also realized

that the only way to get back at Eddie

was to go on a second date, and a third, fourth,

fifth, sixth, whatever it took to ruin the prank.

- Hold on. How far did this go?

Was I born as a result of you trying to ruin Eddie's prank?

- No, I ended up enjoying myself on the second date.

And after the third date, it wasn't about Eddie anymore.

I was looking forward to spending time with your father.

I thought he was sweet and funny.

- So would you say it was

a love-after-the-third-date kind of thing?

- I thought it was love after the sixth date.

- Wait, was that the first night we--

[chuckles] - Oh, God.

- Stop it. - Yes. Yes, it was.

That was the night I found out

what a phenomenal and generous lover Terry was.

- Oh, Mom, so gross. - Disgusting.

- Guess what.

He still is.

- Oh. Oh, God. - Ugh.

- Hm. - [chuckles]

[both vocalizing]

[gentle music]

- Do you think the three of us could take him together?

- There's only one way to find out,

but I don't wanna find out.

- Should one of us look to see if he's here?

- No way. - "Rock Paper Scissors."

- Okay, okay, okay.

- One, two, three, shoot.

- Hey boys. [both screaming]

- Oh, God! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Dude, it's all just one big misunderstanding, okay?

- You broke my heart!

- We didn't mean any of it. We were just being contrarian.

- It's time for night-night! [all screaming]

- Seems like the joke is really on you, Uncle Eddie.

You set them up and all these years later,

they're still in love.

- Yeah, you're welcome. You wouldn't exist without me.

- I think it's safe to say Eddie's prank backfired on him.

- Still better than anything you ever pulled.

- Is that what you think? - Yeah.

- Luce, Let me tell you about another one.

A few years later, I had a Swedish hairstylist.

She was great at hair, but she was a horrible person.

She was here on a work visa, and she wanted to trap a man

and marry him, so she could get a green card.

- You didn't. - I did.

I knew you couldn't pass up on a tall, blonde,

beautiful Swedish woman.

So I set you up. And then what happened?

- I married her. - You married her.

- Aunt Ulsa?

She's the reason I love lutefisk.

- Me too.

- And after she got the green card,

what happened?

- She divorced me and took half my money.

- [laughs]

- She was a great hairdresser.

And that was a great prank.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

- Holy shit.

- Oh, oh, oh, and while you two were bickering

over whether or not you were friends, I bought the boat.

With my money.

You're welcome to join me on the Yeah Buoy

anytime you want.

- Oh, no, you didn't.

[laughs]

- It's a good name. - Not the hair.

- B-U-O-Y.

- Love you, Mom.

- Bye, babe. - Wow.

But still, the burning question remains.

Who can really eat the most shrimp?

- Mm.

Ahh.

[chuckles]

- Oh, you don't look so good, Terry.

- I feel great. - You gonna quit?

'Cause I'm not. - I like my shrimp extra veiny.

- So do I.

That's where the taste comes from, bitch.

- Stipe Miocic is pounding Bobby Ferapolis

with his left hook.

You can tell he got some extra practice--

- Are you guys ever gonna tell me what happened?

- [groans]

I told you, Luce, he beat us up.

- You're sticking with the story

that the UFC heavyweight champion came here

and kicked your ass?

- Yeah. - If you say so.

- He's got a fire in his eyes.

- Man, he's got shitty footwork.

- Don't say that. - Mm.

They keep getting better.

You okay? Do you wanna stop?

- [groans softly]

- Oh.

- Oh, God. - Oh, yes!

Yes! [chuckles]

I will never let you forget this, Terry McConky.

Never! Ha-ha!

[relaxing music]

♪

- Go. - I'm going.

- It's your turn. - I know whose turn it is.

I'm concentrating.

- Does your fly help you concentrate?

- Yeah, it does. Getting air to the other brain.

- [grumbling]

- [wails] - [growls]

- [laughs] - Ah!

- That reminds me of when I beat you in the shrimp cocktail

eating contest twice.

- You never beat me eating anything.

- Damnit, Terry! Yes, I did.

[relaxing music]

♪

- Two.

- [grunting softly]

- Would you like me to cut your shrimp into smaller pieces

so it'll be easier to chew?

- No! - Ah-ah.

- Okay.

- Oh, watch the hair! -

I need a nap.

- You give up?

- I give up. - [laughs] Again.

- I'm gonna go watch "Judge Jenny Jr."

- Oh, I'm coming with. I'm coming with.

Whoa. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Oh, my sciatica!

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