Original subtitles

(soft mysterious music)

- That they are amongst us, there is no doubt.

But where have they come from, and why are they here?

These are just some of the questions

we shall do our very best to answer.

Welcome to another delightful episode

of Stranger Than Fiction.

I'm your host, Jack.

Some call me strange (laughs).

(upbeat music)

- [Producer] And, cut to commercial.

Okay, we got 10 seconds.

Okay, camera one, stand by.

And we're back in five, four, three, two.

(upbeat music)

- Tonight, we will be exploring a curious incident

that took place at a classified high school

somewhere in Asia.

Exact location, confidential (laughs).

Details of the incident are, shall we say, vague.

All we know for sure is,

alien activity was reported in the area.

(laughing)

So, now it's time to get our hands

a little dirty, delve into the mystery

and uncover the strange, oh I do love that word.

Uncover the strange.

(mysterious music)

(soft music)

(birds chirping)

(camera zooming)

(gate buzzing)

(soft mysterious music)

- Hi.

(giggling)

Okay.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Omar] Zack attack.

- Awwww.

Hi, Omar.

- Nice face catch.

Yeah, good one.

Whoa, what's she supposed to be, a doll?

- She's the Japanese foreign exchange student.

- Oh yeah, where from?

- Japan.

- Hey, sushi girl, what's with the outfit?

- I don't think she speaks any English.

- Hey, Toshiba, you speak any English?

- All right, Mr. Omar, that's enough

racial slurs for one evening.

- What I say?

(door closing)

- What time should I pick you up, Honey?

- When I'm finished.

- Oh, all right, bye, sweetie.

(soft music)

- [Tammy] Let's get this over with?

- Where's Stanlei?

(light mysterious music)

- [Stanlei] Professor Rosenkrantz.

- Oh, Stanlei, come in, shut the door.

Would you like some toast?

- [Stanlei] No, I'm good, what are you working on?

- This is one of those questions

that have eluded mankind since the beginning of time.

- Yeah, what is it?

- I'm trying to work out the formula for why

buttered toast always lands butter-side down

when you drop it, watch.

Now, a lesser scientist might reexamine

his ideology towards gravity,

or at least the law of probability.

Ah, ooh.

So you see, after buttering and dropping

83 pieces of toast in a row, it's likely that

the results will go down, although the number goes up.

(light mysterious music)

84.

It's around this time we have to consider

this an abnormality, a vivid sense

of something deviating from the normal.

- What's to say this isn't the normal?

- Well, normality is based on consistency,

and some people don't butter their toast,

so how can we know what the common behaviour is?

- Listen, Professor, sometimes there is no answer.

That's just how things are.

- Now you're taking away reason.

Without reason, up is down, down is up.

- Well, what do you want me to say?

Drop a cat, it will always land on its feet.

- Interesting.

Huh.

What if, we took buttered toast and put it

on a cat's back, butter side up,

and then we drop the cat?

Will they ever touch the ground?

- Whoa, Professor, I think you may have just

defied the laws of gravity.

- Yes.

You don't happen to have a cat on you, do you?

- Uh, no.

- That's inconvenient.

- For you or me?

- It can hardly be one or the other.

Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

Is it not Saturday today?

- No, you're right, it's Saturday.

I got detention.

- So late, really?

- Yeah, it's messed up.

Why are you here?

- If not here, where else would I be?

- I guess.

Well, I better get going.

Good luck with the failing toasting.

- Ugh, I have not failed.

(bread squishing)

Just found 85 ways that won't work.

- Right, I better get going.

I'm late, again.

(door opening and closing)

- Ladies and gentlemen, you're all here tonight

for a very special detention,

personally scheduled just for you.

Phones.

It seems that no matter how many times you are warned,

demerited or scolded,

you wanna-be rebels continue to break the rules.

Whether it's skipping class, ignoring your teachers,

not doing your homework,

disregarding the dress code, or.

(rock music)

Being late.

(rock music)

Not to mention, the lack of respect for school property.

So, we've been forced to take extreme measures.

It seems that messing with your weekend's the only thing

that will get you kids to pay attention.

So, as deputy head of the school,

I get to spend my Saturday nights

babysitting you delinquents.

(sighing)

- This sucks.

- Yes, it does.

Well maybe next time you'll remember not to

answer your phone during a history test.

- Well, what was I gonna do, not answer it?

- Yes.

- Well, that's just rude, and besides, it's history.

It's not going anywhere.

(laughing)

What's so funny?

- Anyways, you get to spend the next few hours of fun

writing down these words that say.

- Why can't it be a girl, isn't that sexist?

- His name is Jack.

- But it could be short of Jaclyn.

- Girl, boy, you write whatever you like.

- Wouldn't it be more productive for us to do our homework?

- Perhaps.

But you're here to be punished.

Homework is for home,

hence the phrase.

You have wasted our teachers' time.

Now I must waste your time.

(laughing)

- Whatever.

The whole concept of school is a waste of time.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

You got all these subjects, but the one lesson

you never get taught is how to learn.

- You know, Stanlei,

at the end of this ruler

is a waste of human existence.

- Which end?

(soft music)

- Mr. Hughes?

How many lines?

- Until that pile is finished.

- There's like 1,000 pages there.

- Well then I guess you best get started, Mr. Omar.

Unless you wanna stay here til midnight.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office.

(door opening and closing)

(dramatic pulsing music)

(clock ticking)

- What are you doing?

- Writing lines.

- Leave him alone, he's just doing

what he's programmed to do.

- Programmed?

I'm just doing what we were asked to do.

- You weren't asked, you were told.

- Is your name really Stanlei?

- Is yours really Tammy?

(laughing)

- Seriously, what's so funny,

and what are you wearing?

- Keiko.

- Uh.

(dramatic pulsing music)

What's that supposed to be?

- It's Mr. Hughes getting his head chopped off.

- By who?

- Anyone.

- I think there should be more blood.

- Actually, the neck seals off

the flow of blood by clotting.

So there wouldn't be as much as you think.

- That's gross.

(speaking foreign language)

- How'd you know that?

What are you, a nerd or something?

- Depends on what your definition of nerd is.

- Someone with a Batman pencil case.

- Then, yeah, I'm a nerd.

- This is bullshit, I'm missing a party tonight.

- Relax, the party won't start until midnight.

- What do you know about it?

- You're talking about Farrah's beach party, right?

- [Omar] Yeah, you going?

- Of course I'm going.

- Of course.

- How you getting there, need a ride?

- No, I gotta go home play house with the family.

I'll sneak out later.

- You know, your mom's pretty hot.

- Stepmother.

And they're fake.

- Still seeing that guy from the track team?

- Not anymore.

- Really?

So can I get a number now.

- Sure, when your phone doesn't ring, that'll be me.

- Hmmm.

What, what are we in kindergarten?

Come on, give it back.

- You wanna shot at the title, come and get it.

- Must be a joy to be your parents.

- What'd you say?

- Can't you find another way to build up your self-esteem?

- You here to fight his battles?

- You're a walking cliche of a teen movie.

Stop playing the asshole, take another character.

- You know what, you can keep it.

It's no big deal, I've got like

three more of the same at home.

- You got four pencil cases that are the same?

- They're not exactly the same, their collectors--

- Shut up.

- Shutting up.

- Tough girl, eh?

What happened to your arm?

- Just a regular Saturday night.

- Did you try to commit suicide?

- Why?

- Because un-being dead isn't always being alive.

- Girl's got some issues.

- Nah.

She's just a skinny skank.

- [Stanlei] Read between the lines.

- Uh, guys?

(mysterious music)

- You know you're messed up, right?

- Do I have to say something cool first,

or can I just punch you in the face now?

- Guys?

(rattling)

(soft dramatic music)

(lights shorting)

(soft dramatic music)

(lights shorting)

(soft dramatic music)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(speaking foreign language)

What the hell was that?

(soft dramatic music)

- We're not alone.

(pulsing dramatic music)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(hard breathing)

- What was that?

- I don't know, but it wasn't human.

- What do you mean it's not human?

Did you see it?

- Kind of.

It looked

demonic.

- What, like a ghost?

- More like a wraith.

- It's not a wraith.

- How would you know?

- You lifted it off the table, right?

You felt its weight?

- Yeah.

- Then it's not a wraith, you can't lift spirits.

Besides, I saw it fall to the ground.

- You saw it?

- What it look like?

- It looked like nothing.

Like the dark came alive.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We need to find Mr. Hughes.

- Yeah, where is he?

- Probably dead.

- What?

- Didn't you hear him scream back there?

- That doesn't necessarily mean he's dead.

- Okay, look, his office is just at the end of the hall.

Maybe some of us should go down there and check it out.

- No no, bad idea, I mean, they always split up

in the horror movies and it never ends well.

- Look, let's just get the hell out of here.

- Two floors up, at least 50 yards from the school gate.

I mean, statistically speaking, the odds are,

one of us wouldn't make it.

- So what now, we stay here until we die?

- In the worst-case scenario, that will never be a plan.

- So what do we do?

- We need to get our phones.

Mr. Hughes has our phones.

- Yeah, okay, we get our phones

and then we call the police.

- Okay, so we go to his office.

If he's not there, or dead, we grab our phones

and call for help.

- What's that on your skateboard?

(mysterious music)

- Ninja.

- Ninja, like, like, karate ninja?

- Ninjas?

From where?

(speaking foreign language)

- Speak English.

I mean, we all here don't know what you're saying.

- Space, she said space.

- Like outer space?

(speaking foreign language)

- You speak Japanese?

- Not really, I just, I watch a lot of anime (giggles).

- Nerd.

- How is that even helpful?

- So, what are they?

- I guess they're space,

ninjas.

(mysterious music)

- That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- Are you saying our school's under an alien attack

from space ninjas?

- Do we really have to call them that?

- I mean, you don't have to, it's just a cool reference.

- It sounds like a plot from a bad B movie.

- Look, are we gonna get our phones or not?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Okay, I'll go.

Who's coming with me?

- Maybe she should go.

I mean, she's like, Japanese, right?

- So?

- So, um,

ninjas are Japanese, right?

- And and your point is?

- Well, I don't know, maybe she should talk to them.

I mean, look at her, she could be one of them.

Look at how she's dressed.

(speaking foreign language)

What'd she say?

- I, I don't recognise that word.

- I'll go.

- All right, the rest of you stay here.

(soft dramatic music)

- Do you really think the deputy head's dead?

- Mr. Hughes?

I wouldn't worry about him.

He's been dead a long time now.

He just doesn't know it.

(soft dramatic music)

- Whoa, check this shit out.

Mr. Hughes is a Trekkie.

What a loser.

- It's not Star Trek.

It's Star Wars.

- No no no, look, he got the Spock pointy ears.

- Yeah, but he's green.

He's Yoda.

- Yoda doesn't have pointy ears.

- Of course he does, it sticks out to the side.

- Well if they're to the side, then they're not pointy.

- [Stanlei] What?

- Okay, what would you call pointy?

- You know what, I'm not gonna argue over semantics.

Let's just look for the phones.

- Ah, yeee, shit.

(soft dramatic music)

- You found the deputy head.

(soft dramatic music)

(dramatic pulsing music)

(blade penetrating flesh)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(soft dramatic music)

(hard breathing)

(soft dramatic music)

(hard breathing)

(dramatic music)

(water dripping)

(hard breathing)

(dramatic music)

(mysterious music)

(hard breathing)

(grunting)

(dramatic music)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

- Could you stop doing that?

You're kinda freaking me out.

- How are you so relaxed?

You realise what's happening right now?

- Yeah, some creepy aliens are stalking us.

- No, no, we're not being stalked.

These things want to kill us.

You heard Mr. Hughes screaming, right?

- Yeah.

- And, doesn't that bother you?

- Mr. Hughes potentially being dead?

- Yeah.

- No.

- Why not?

- Because, he's a dick.

- You, uh, uh, it's a strong argument.

Okay, let me put this in a different perspective.

Right now, our school is under attack by space ninjas,

possibly even the entire planet, and you're sitting

down there, doing your nai--

You, wait, did you,

did you grab that while running out of class?

- Of course.

Do you know how much this stuff costs?

- More than your life, apparently.

- This stuff has saved my life.

- Really, saved your life?

- More times than I can count.

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

Did you get my phone?

- Where's, where's Omar?

- I don't know, I don't think he made it.

(speaking foreign language)

- Did you find Mr. Hughes?

- Yeah, I did, and you're right.

There's not much blood from decapitation.

- Oh my God, you're kidding, right?

You're not kidding, we are so screwed.

- It's not working.

- Maybe it's the battery, let me try mine.

- It's not the battery.

- Mine's completely dead.

(speaking foreign language)

(soft dramatic music)

- EMP.

- What?

- EMP, it's gotta be, electromagnetic pulse.

It's a burst of electromagnetic energy

that shorts out all electronic equipment.

Makes sense, it's why the lights are off.

- Are you saying these space assholes fried my phone?

- Space ninjas.

- Whatever.

- If all the electric's out,

that means the school gate must be locked.

- So we're trapped?

- We need to get help.

- I think they're blind.

- Huh, what are we talking about, who's blind?

- Those space nin--

I mean those, those things, I think they're blind.

- They're not blind, they were chasing us down the hall.

- Yeah, but I think they can track us through our breathing.

(speaking foreign language)

- What?

- What makes you say that?

- It came this close to me, and when I stopped breathing,

it's as if it couldn't see me.

But when I exhaled, it could see me.

- Could be, makes sense.

- How does that make any sense?

- Well think about it.

Some animals are blind, hunt at night.

They use different senses.

Like bats.

Some snakes are blind too.

- Blind mice.

- No, that's a nursery rhyme, you--

- What about campus security?

- Yeah, yeah, there's always a guard around here.

- Yuck, hope it's not the one that smells of onions.

- Yeah, because that's what matters most now.

Should we go to the guardhouse?

- Wait, wait, if he's there,

he could be doing his rounds.

He could be anywhere in the school.

- Yeah, but he's got to use the bridge.

The bridge links the guardhouse to the school block.

We may meet him on his way.

- Not like we got any other options.

- Okay, you guys go ahead.

I'll stay here.

- We stick together.

- Yeah, like I've been saying from the beginning.

Never split up, it's a surefire way to get killed.

I mean, look what happened to Omar.

Hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.

- Okay, well, maybe he's not dead.

Maybe he escaped.

- Yeah, so why isn't the school swamped

with police cars now?

- Okay, fine, let's go to the guardhouse.

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

- Right, we run this bridge as fast as we can.

Don't stop for nothing.

- I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.

What? I'm just saying.

- Right, on three.

Ready?

- Wait, is it on three or after three?

Specifics, it's all about specifics.

- What if I smack the granny out of you?

Is that specific enough?

- We'll say on three then.

Three.

- One,

two,

three.

(upbeat dramatic pulsing music)

(hard breathing)

(upbeat dramatic pulsing music)

- What the?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?

- Dude, you have no idea what just happened.

(everyone panicking)

- Quiet!

Now one at a time.

- The school's under attack by space ninjas.

They knocked out the electric, decapitated Mr. Hughes

and also killed a student.

Well, maybe, probably, probable.

- I'm getting a sense that something bad has happened,

but I don't understand what he just said.

- Look, we're in danger.

- From what?

(grunting)

(grunting)

- Ugh, that's not right.

(dramatic music)

- What do you think he's thinking?

- I don't know.

Probably how to dissect Tammy.

- How's he know my name?

- You're kidding, right?

You're not that much of an idiot.

- Zack.

(dramatic music)

- Got it.

- We split, on three.

- Wait, wait.

Is it on three or after three?

- Three!

(dramatic music)

- Shoot it.

(gun firing)

It's not even a moving target.

- Not helping.

- Ahhh.

She, she shot me.

- Ooh, sorry, here, you do it.

(gun firing)

- How did I miss?

He's right in front of me.

- See, it's harder than it looks, right?

(dramatic music)

(gun firing)

(soft music)

- What, I dated a Marine.

(gun firing)

(speaking foreign language)

- [Zack] I can't believe you shot me.

- Let me see it.

- [Zack] Ahhhh, gently, gently.

- It's nothing, it just grazed you.

- Yeah, but you still broke the skin.

(soft dramatic music)

(speaking foreign language)

- Sorry to break up this romance happening here, but

now that this thing's dead, can we go to the gate?

- What if there's more than one?

- And we still have the problem of opening the gate.

Five tonnes, 12 feet tall.

- We need to get Professor Rosenkrantz.

He'll know what to do.

- He's still on campus?

- Yeah, in the science lab.

- On a Saturday night?

What a loser.

- I don't think his social life is important

at this precise moment.

- Is there any bullets left.

(gun clicking)

- No, it's empty.

(gun clattering)

What?

- So you think there's more of them out there?

- I don't know.

What's the quickest way to the science lab?

- Through the canteen.

(soft dramatic music)

Canteen's really creepy at night.

- No scarier than the crap they serve here.

(soft dramatic music)

- What are you doing?

- [Tammy] What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm washing all this blood off.

- You have to do that now?

- [Tammy] Well I'm sorry,

you're not the one covered in nipple blood.

- Now what are you doing?

(speaking foreign language)

Oh, oh, oh.

That's great.

Make sure we're all nice and clean before we die.

- Come on, let's go.

- Pfft, when she says something, everybody goes.

When I say something, no one gives a crap.

(soft dramatic music)

You going?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna be prom queen.

- Of course.

Think Stanlei's got a date?

- Oh my God, you can't be serious, right?

I mean, you're a nerd and she's, well,

like that, that will never happen.

- Never?

- Never.

- Like on scale from one to 10 on a never happening?

- Never.

- So I still got a chance?

- In your dreams.

- My parents always told me to follow my dreams.

(lighter clicking)

(soft dramatic music)

What are you doing?

- [Stanlei] Trying to trigger the alarm.

Might bring some attention from the outside.

- I don't think it's gonna work.

Electric's out, it's all connected.

- Yeah, I know.

What's that poster say about positive thinking?

- Is that the one with the cat or the tree?

- Whatever, we're all screwed anyway.

- Well, Tammy for sure.

- [Stanlei] Why'd you say that?

- In the horror movies, the school jock dies first.

Usually followed by the annoying blonde with the big--

personality.

It's Tammy.

- What about me?

- I don't know.

I haven't worked out who you are yet.

- And you, when are you dying?

- Oh, I won't die.

The audience will connect to my character.

I'm too likeable.

(soft dramatic music)

- What?

Oh shit.

Uh, guys?

One of those karate space things are here.

- Space ninjas, it's not that hard to say.

- Very slowly, everyone move to the stairs.

(dramatic music)

(whooshing)

(soft dramatic music)

Everyone, stop breathing, now.

(chain jingling)

(ringing)

(chain whooshing)

(soft dramatic music)

(chain whooshing)

(exhaling)

(dramatic music)

(chain whooshing)

(dramatic music)

(blade penetrating flesh)

(gurgling)

(chain whooshing)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

I thought you said Tammy was next.

- Doesn't make any sense.

The annoying girl usually dies first.

- Well, she was kinda annoying.

- That's cold.

- Shut up.

- I can't believe you said that.

- Shut up.

- Am I categorised under annoying?

- Definitely.

- Wait, what?

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(crying)

You okay?

- Uh, yeah.

The dull girl?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Come on, let's go.

(sniffling)

(crying)

Professor Rosenkrantz?

- Professor?

(door closing)

(soft dramatic music)

(screaming)

- [Rosenkrantz] What?

- Professor, you okay?

- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

- The school's under attack by space ninjas.

- Really? Is this part of your detention?

- No.

- Oh, well.

That would explain the power outage then, huh?

Probably an EMP.

- Right, that's what I said.

That's what I said.

- Professor, what should we do?

- There's not a lot we can do.

You know, the school's gates are operated electronically,

so without power we're locked in.

But don't worry, I am working on something.

- Wait, how do you have power?

- Oh, I have clockwork equipment.

I wind it up and I can still work.

- We need to get outta here.

We need to get help.

- I see your predicament.

Trapped in a school with space ninja assassins,

it's less than ideal.

- You think?

Listen here, Professor Crazy,

these space ninjas have actually killed two people.

- Well, three, don't forget Mr. Hughes.

- Whatever.

Look, if you don't help us, we're all gonna die.

(soft dramatic music)

- [Stanlei] Do you think the whole planet's under attack?

- Oh, I don't think that's likely.

We would have heard more commotion, panic, noise,

even in a relatively secluded place like this,

if that were the case.

No, I would surmise it's a, it's a

isolated attack, and we're probably being monitored

and measured, calculated.

- But why?

- I would theorise that they're probably using

the ancient Samurai technique of sending a small group

of Samurai soldiers into a trivial area

to test us out, check our strengths and our weaknesses,

and then see how we fare, and based on that,

make a decision to--

- Attack the planet.

- Are you saying

that the planet's fate lies with us?

- That's so freaking cool.

I mean, the way you phrased it and everything.

- Yeah, and you just made it uncool by pointing it out.

- Professor, you got any ideas?

- What time do your parents come to pick you up?

- Ten, that's an hour and a half from now.

- So we've gotta survive til then.

- So what do you suggest we do?

Hang out with Professor Nutjob?

- No, we gotta fight, protect ourselves.

- With what?

- Anything.

- The sports department, they've got bats, right?

- Can I borrow this?

- Sure.

(cat meowing)

- There, you found a cat.

- That's Mr. Gildenstern, that is my childhood cat.

- That's an old cat.

- Oh no no no no no, I cloned it.

- Wait, what?

You cloned a cat?

- Yeah, it's relatively easy.

- The school allows you to do that?

- I don't know.

I never thought to ask.

- How many other things have you cloned?

- Oh, lots of things.

One time I had a really bad cold,

I cloned myself and let him teach the class.

- Holy shit, you've cloned humans?

- Yes, but unfortunately they only last about 45 minutes.

- And then what happens after?

- They just kinda fizzle, blow up.

I haven't been able to stabilise the DNA,

but I won't bore you with the details.

- Too late.

- That's pretty cool.

- That's what Elvis said.

- You cloned Elvis?

- Yes, he's quite a decent fellow.

And a good chess player too.

- How, how did you get Elvis' DNA?

- Ebay, I bought one of his jackets,

and it had one of his hair follicles on it.

Actually, I bought a lot of celebrity memorabilia.

As a result, I have quite a collection of DNA samples.

- Anyway, back to trying to not get

killed by space ninjas?

- Sorry, I've just been caught up

in all the wacky shit that's been going on tonight.

- Well, you know what they say?

Wait for the third act.

- Professor, they can only see us when we breathe.

- Ohhh, carbon dioxide hunters.

That's fascinating.

- Yeah, do you have anything that could help us.

- Actually,

I think I do.

(dramatic pulsing music)

- What are, what are you doing?

- Looking for a weapon.

- That's your weapon, a can of hairspray?

- Hey, if this stuff gets in your eyes,

it really, really stings, okay.

- What's the lip gloss for?

- My lips.

- Girls, we ready?

Can we go now?

- Connect to the theatre.

Sports hall's on the other side.

- Actually, she's right.

- I know.

(soft dramatic music)

- [Zack] Theatres always creep me out.

- I love the theatre.

I mean, the stage is one of the few places

where I feel completely at home.

- You're not gonna burst into song, are you?

- What was this year's musical again?

- Alice in Wonderland.

I was Alice.

- You were?

Man, they cast that wrong.

- Um, what do you mean?

- Well, let's see.

Alice is polite, reasonable, innocent.

She's a contrast to all the weirdness

she meets on her adventure.

That's just not you.

- I don't have to be those things.

I just have to act like it.

It's a portrayal of the character experiencing Wonderland.

- Wonderland?

More like Death Valley.

- What do you mean?

- Alice in Wonderland is really just a parable

viewing the journey of what death and dying might look like.

- No, it's not.

- I'll allow it, I wanna see where you're going with this.

Think about it, one minute Alice is skipping

through the field, and the next,

she's falling down a rabbit hole buried deep underground.

The white rabbit with his watch, obsessing on time,

that's your Grim Reaper right there,

holding its hourglass.

- Uh, don't think that's what our show's about.

- Maybe not on the surface.

- Never really thought of it that way.

- Did you even see the show?

- No.

- I did.

- You did?

- Yeah, and it sucked.

- Whatever.

(grunting)

(screaming)

- He screams like a girl.

I better go get him.

- What should I do?

- Go get some weapons, I'll meet you back here.

(dramatic music)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

- In case we die, I just wanna say,

that was awesome.

- Yeah, but he looks pissed.

- Yeah.

So, about the prom?

- Not now.

- Right, right.

- Stay here.

- Where would I go?

(dramatic pulsing music)

Shit.

That was like.

- Yeah I know, come on.

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(soft dramatic music)

(soft dramatic music)

(gasping)

(hard breathing)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(gasping)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(chain whooshing)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(chain whooshing)

(screaming)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(frog croaking)

(groaning)

- This really hurts.

I always thought when aliens did visit Earth

they'd have more advanced, sophisticated weapons,

like laser guns, not fricking swords and hooks.

So primitive.

- What do you expect, Terminator?

- Kind of, more like Transformers.

You were amazing back there.

- Yeah right.

- No really.

You saved my life, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You know, you're like a Transformer, only hotter.

You're a hot-obot.

- Come on.

- Wait.

I've got it.

You could be called Optimus Fine.

- Okay, I think you're losing too much blood.

- [Zack] Come on, it wasn't that bad.

(soft dramatic music)

(rattling)

(soft dramatic music)

(hard breathing)

(chain whooshing)

(gasping)

(grunting)

(soft dramatic music)

(grunting)

(screaming)

(soft dramatic music)

(screaming)

(soft dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Ohhh.

(banging)

That doesn't sound positive.

- Stay here.

- Stanlei, hey.

- Just wait here.

- Stanlei.

I'm gonna die next.

(soft dramatic music)

Uhhh.

- Chill, it's just me.

- Did you find Tammy?

- Parts of her, yeah.

- That doesn't sound good.

What am I supposed to do with this?

- That was all that was there.

- Why do you get the bat?

- Who do you think's got a better swing?

- Point taken.

- All right, let's go.

(soft dramatic music)

(groaning)

- I'm not sure pool water's the best thing for this.

- Actually, the chlorine helps to kill the bacteria.

- Careful, with general knowledge like that,

you're in danger of becoming a nerd.

- Nah, I think that spot's taken.

- How come we never talk during school?

- I don't know, school politics.

Cool kids to the right, nerds to the left,

and everyone else in the middle.

- Well, what about you, where are you?

- Me?

I don't know where I fit in.

- You know I'm in your history class?

- Yeah, I know.

- In your science class, too.

- Yeah, I know.

- You did talk to me once during class.

- Yeah?

- I bumped into you accidentally.

- What did I say?

- I'm paraphrasing, of course, but

I believe it was something to the effects of

the last thing I wanna do is hurt you,

but it's still on my list.

- I said that?

- I swear, that's what you said.

- That's embarrassing.

- What?

No no no, don't be embarrassed.

It was

so dramatic and

bad-ass, I loved it.

- You did?

- Yeah, I mean,

it's refreshing.

You're just so confident,

and I don't know.

It's inspiring.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So, did you really try to kill yourself?

- I don't know, maybe.

Can we talk about something else?

- Yeah, absolutely, sure.

So, about the prom?

Stanlei?

- Huh?

- I was talking about the prom, and I was wondering.

- Is it raining?

Move.

(soft dramatic music)

(sniffing)

I think they're

gone.

- Oh, that's, I mean, cool.

- What were you doing?

- Nothing, I was, I was just doing the hiding thing

back, back here.

Is it hot in here?

I mean, I guess that makes sense, we've been running

for our lives, and the spike in the blood temperature

thingy and anxiety.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, me, are you all right?

I'm fine.

- Okay.

- What are you gonna do after school?

- What?

- What are, you know, what are gonna do after we graduate?

That is, if we don't get dead before that.

- You wanna talk about it now?

- Yeah, why not?

- All right, come on, follow me.

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

- I've never been in this room before.

- [Stanlei] This is what I wanna do.

- You wanna stand in empty rooms?

- [Stanlei] Funny.

- You dance?

- [Stanlei] Yeah, I do.

- Show me.

- [Stanlei] No, I'm not gonna show you.

- Why not?

- It's not the right time.

- It might be your last dance.

But it's weird.

- Weirder than the invasion of space ninjas

on a high school?

(soft dramatic music)

(upbeat dance music)

- That was,

you were like, really good.

- Thanks.

- How come you never joined the cheerleading team

or school musical or something?

- I'm not much of a team player.

- Wait, you gotta be kidding me.

- I know, I'm never gonna get anywhere with that attitude.

- [Zack] Is that the janitor?

- [Stanlei] What?

- Hey you!

- Hey, over here!

- Up here!

What's this geriatric doing here so late at night?

- [Stanlei] Who cares, at least he's here.

Hey, here.

- Hey, you, old person.

(soft dramatic music)

He sees us.

- That's not good.

- Oh, no no no, come on, not the janitor.

Hey, behind you.

And he's waving back.

- He's gonna die.

- Totally.

It's a shame, but he died doing what he loved.

- He loved mopping the floor?

(soft dramatic music)

- He's coming for us.

- Yep.

(soft dramatic music)

(exhaling)

(screaming)

(soft dramatic music)

- What now?

- I'm thinking.

- Any ideas?

- Only one.

- Oh yeah, what's that?

- We kick their ass.

- Seriously, that's your idea?

- Yeah, why not?

- Because we'll lose.

- Do you lose often?

- Yes.

- Then what you gotta lose?

No rain, no rainbow.

- No wait, what happened to on three?

(upbeat dramatic music)

(yelling)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(grunting)

(upbeat dramatic music)

Ball-less, dude.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(chain whooshing)

- Excuse me.

Stanlei.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(device humming)

(upbeat dramatic music)

- What's the plan, Professor?

- We hold our breath, and head for the gate.

- All right, so same plan we've had for the last hour.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- How do we get outta here?

- I brought back p.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Who's that?

- Just something I whipped up in the lab.

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Is that?

- Come on, let's move.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(grunting)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(punches landing)

(grunting)

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Where's the professor?

- I don't know, he was right behind us.

- Come on.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(grunting)

(hard breathing)

- I can't run and hold my breath anymore.

I need a minute.

- A minute?

Okay, we can do that.

I mean, we got like 45 minutes until our

ass-kicking clone dies on us, right?

- No, no no no no.

I'm afraid much less.

It took me a long time to find you two.

- So how long then?

- Maybe five, maybe 10 minutes.

(dramatic music)

- How do we open the gate?

- With that thing on your wrist.

It'll open the lock and slide the gate back.

- Okay, well, parents will show up in around 20 minutes.

- Doesn't matter, let's just get outta here.

- Let's go.

- We can't just leave him here.

- Well, what do you want me to do?

Carry him?

- Oh dear.

- What is it?

- Gildenstern.

- The cat?

- I'm afraid we're out of time.

Goodbye, Stanlei.

(groaning)

(dramatic music)

(chain whooshing)

(chain whooshing)

(dramatic music)

- I think I love you.

- Huh?

- Uh, um, good job.

That's how I woulda done it.

A little less splash-back with the blood, but yeah.

- Is the professor?

- Yeah.

I'm afraid

Rosenkrantz and Gildenstern are dead.

- All right, let's go.

- Right.

(whooshing)

- What's the matter?

(gurgling)

- I don't understand.

- No no, Zack, we're nearly there.

- It's not, it's not helping.

I can't die.

I'm

too likeable.

- You're not that likeable.

- This really sucks.

I was gonna ask you to prom.

- I was gonna say yes.

- Really?

That's cool.

I finally figured out who you are in the story.

You're the unlikely hero.

Give them hell.

(soft piano music)

(crying)

(dramatic music)

(soft dramatic music)

(water running)

(soft dramatic music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(whooshing)

(punch landing)

(soft dramatic music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(groaning)

(soft dramatic music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(kicks landing)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(gasping)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(blade penetrating)

(ninja hitting floor)

(hard breathing)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(gate buzzing)

(soft dramatic pulsing music)

(crowd chattering)

(radio chattering)

- Copy that, over.

- How many?

- Three.

It looks, promising.

- Well take them down to Groom Lake.

Majestic 12 has been reactivated.

- Yes, sir.

(helicopter flying)

- [Jack] Another speculation?

An unsourced story, or maybe just one more

big government coverup.

On the internet, a few video clips surfaced

of the infamous men in black turning up

at the anonymous school grounds.

They were seen leaving with mysterious items.

Can't help but wonder, what are they hiding?

- Hey.

- From this happening, which apparently never happened,

there was only one survivor.

And where is she now?

Vanished, within 24 hours of her last statement, poof.

(laughing)

Gone, faster than a politician's election-day promises.

But things just don't add up.

You can call it unusual, peculiar,

bizarre even, but that doesn't mean it's not true,

now does it, hmm?

Until next time, I'm your host, Jack.

Don't call me strange.

(laughing)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(soft music)