Original subtitles

(ambient music)

- [Darcy] Leila once said that somebody once said

that all stories end in death or marriage.

- Ugh!

- [Darcy] That's 'cause somebody was a complete idiot.

- Sweetie, wait!

- You could argue that they're more

or less the same thing anyway,

but hey, this is Leila's story, not mine.

- His note says, he's dead.

- He signed it,

and he dotted the I in his name with a little happy face.

- From this day forward,

I swear to God that I will never let some lying clown

tell me he loves me,

much less agree to marry him for it.

- Nonsense.

- I'll die first.

- You'll go to Harvard first.

- [Darcy] Okay granted getting blown off

on your wedding day sucks a pretty big one,

but you know, hunt him down and kill him,

don't go all hysterical.

I mean, what chick hasn't sworn off boys

at some point in her life.

Really, they're like cigarettes,

you try out a few in the woods behind school.

You puke, you give 'em up,

but right around that third jello shot,

they start to sound pretty good again.

And while we're at it,

what guy hasn't had his most tender lies?

Well, you know, burnt up.

What I'm trying to say is you get over it.

Unless of course you're still a virgin,

then it can take awhile.

A long while.

(upbeat reggae music)

- Good morning, Paxil.

♪ Say the truth will reveal you now ♪

Brunch.

Wanna go to the park later?

(Paxil barks)

♪ You see their faces but you never know their thoughts ♪

♪ Everyday me not done talking deep ♪

♪ So deep ♪

♪ You see their actions but you never know their reaction ♪

♪ Time and time alone can only prove the story ♪

♪ And every eyes will see ♪

♪ Could reveal ♪

- [Darcy] So 12 years later and Leila Sweet

remains the poster child for purity, gorgeous,

virtuous, clueless.

Lost in the sexual woods with a big moral compass,

but without the thing they put in the compass

to make it actually points somewhere.

And if on the bright side,

she has one male friend,

note that he's on the end of the leash,

and he's named after an antidepressant.

- Come Paxil.

Come on, he won't bite.

Come on.

Good boy.

- What do you call this?

- (chuckles) It doesn't have a name.

- Where is Paxil?

- He's afraid of you.

- Well try it at least, dear,

it's full of vitamins and quite slimming.

- Is your sister joining us?

- She's on the phone with Donald.

- Oh yes, Donald.

- He's a very nice boy.

Good family.

- Can I have those toast.

- He's about to be our son-in-law.

- Must be great in the sheets.

- Ernest? - What?

Like you're both having thought the same thing,

or you probably haven't.

- Dad, what now.

Ew!

- It's quite seeming.

- Here we are.

So ready for the big day?

- I guess.

- It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.

I book Sin Andrews. - Again?

- Ernest.

- You're quite a grouchy uncle, aren't you?

- Well, ignore him.

You just fell off the horse once, that's all.

- I think she got bucked off.

- You're right again, sweetie.

In a great big billowing white dress.

- Okay, can I remind you all that I am not marriage minded.

I hate love.

I hate weddings except for yours,

and I hate white dresses.

- Obviously, you burned a perfectly good one,

to billowing gray ashes.

- Okay, I have to go.

I'm late for the park.

Come on, Paxil.

- Oh, sweetie, no.

- How can you be late to a park?

- Bye!

(bouncy music)

(children playing)

- Listen to this,

researchers announced that male dogs raised in New York city

are at an increased risk to develop medical problems,

including anxiety, skin rashes, depression, tooth decay,

hypochondria, and impotence.

But that's so sad.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

(bouncy music)

- Yours?

- Me?

No, mine.

Paxil.

- Very fuzzy head.

- Yours?

- Oh, that's my sister's.

I steal them on Sundays.

We were just about to leave.

I don't suppose you'd want to get a cup of coffee with us.

- I wouldn't?

- You would?

- Oh no, I just wondering why you thought

that I wouldn't.

- So you won't?

- I actually don't do this.

- What?

- The talking to you part.

- I understand.

- Thanks though.

- Sure.

(peaceful piano music)

(car honks) - Daddy!

(chiming music)

Daddy!

- Leila.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

Evy.

Hi, sweetheart. - Daddy, what's in the box?

What's in the box?

(peaceful music)

- [Darcy] Somebody once said

that nostalgia is the rust of memory.

Now that one I agree with.

See, people's brains are basically oysters,

all mucusy and gross,

but there's always a grain of sand inside trying

to annoy the oyster into making a Pearl,

and not a bogus Pearl either.

One with some value.

One with some weight.

The kind you cast before swine.

- Come on, Paxil.

Of course, there is such a thing as a false Pearl.

The ten of lords.

- You know, it looks like the bartender vivisection.

- Oh. - What?

- Good morning, boss.

- Good morning, boss. - Good morning, boss.

The help from slacker hell.

That's me with the Marlboro.

- Remind me to nominate you employee of the month.

Remind you?

Isn't that, what's his job?

- Post-it. - Prozac.

- Paxil.

- [Darcy] Then again, if this guy was your only customer,

how hard would you work?

- Welcome to Sweets Muffin Shop.

Do you like to hear a list of our muffins today?

- What's your problem?

- Leila wants us to be nice to the customers.

- All right, Dottie,

let me hear a list of your muffins today.

- We have cranberry.

- I'll have one of those. - Okay.

What happened to your arm?

Did you get shot?

- It's a nicotine patch.

- Ah, like you don't get enough from smoking.

- Hey, Leila.

Hello?

See you tomorrow, Dottie, will you lock up?

- Sure, you wanna come out with this tonight?

We're gonna get tattoos.

- I already have plans.

- All I said was hey.

It's like I'm invisible.

- Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogoves,

and the mome raths outgrabe.

I remember that one.

- And the faintest idea what it means.

- I have a picture of Evy and me here as kids.

- Yes, I know, dear, I took it, you were six.

- Mammy, are you sorry that you never had children

of your own,

- But I do, I have two beautiful daughters.

- You know what I mean.

- I don't think children were ever an option for me,

or for your uncle.

What's on your mind, sweetie?

- I want to have a baby.

- Immaculately?

- Virginally.

- Oh dear. (chuckles)

- [Evy] This is not a pretty mental picture.

- [Leila] Gee, thanks.

- No, seriously, I can't even get your clothes off.

- Evy?

- Leila, I'm sorry.

It's just that for 10 years

you have been locked up tighter than a nun,

and now all of a sudden you want the Kamasutra.

- Just the part that gets you pregnant.

- Okay.

- Well, you know there are working parts.

- The penis.

- Good.

(bouncy music)

- Make sure you lose the panties.

(Leila sighs)

What?

- Nothing.

- You're not wearing panties?

- No, I'm wearing underwear.

You don't see men running around in-

- Panties?

Maybe in a perfect world.

- Fine.

- Job.

- Excuse me?

- Occupation.

- I run a muffin shop.

- Gee, that's what I do.

- Shouldn't I be getting undressed now.

- Oh sure.

- The doctor will be beating the door down any minute now.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

(door closes)

- I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm Dr. Kirk.

- As in Beverly.

- Yes, my mother claims it's British.

This really is quite the horrifying coincidence.

I could refer you to a colleague.

- No, thank you.

That won't be necessary.

Horrifying.

- Not of course what I meant at all.

Embarrassing is what I meant.

I mean, for me, that is.

Do you know that's on backwards?

- I thought it was supposed to be.

- Ah, not here.

- Oh, well I could turn it around if-

- No, we'll manage.

So you'd like to start a family.

Now that's lovely.

I noticed you answered the sex question, no.

- Yes.

- I see.

How long have you and your partner been trying to conceive?

- I don't have a donor as of yet.

- Artificial insemination?

- No, thank you.

- Right?

I tell you what?

Let's start with a routine exam.

And when you leave, I'll recommend an ovulation kit.

The instructions are on the package.

- Oh, sorry.

I was bored.

It can be erased.

- You wrote this?

It's a- - Ben Casey.

- Yeah.

But I can't remember the one for birth.

- Doctor.

Doctor?

- Oh, yes, off course, I'm sorry.

Right, right.

(suspenseful music)

- Having trouble finding the.

- Your ears are on your neck.

- Quite right.

Would you be more comfortable if the nurse were present?

- No, no, thank you.

(suspenseful music)

(bells tolling)

- Wait, did you lock it?

- Yeah, I locked it.

(door opens) - You didn't lock it.

- But Leila gave me the wrong key.

- She didn't give you the wrong key.

- No, no, no. (indistinct)

- Is the customer in there? - I don't wanna know.

- You were just in there. (Dottie mumbles)

(bouncy music)

- Well, I understand that,

but I'm not the person who rents out clowns.

- [Lady] But he's only five years old right now.

I really need this to be special.

- I'm sure you want his birthday party to be special.

Who wouldn't?

Hello?

I'm not the person who rents out clown.

You mistakenly called my number

when you were trying to reach Clowns to Go.

Their number is the same as mine,

but in the 718 area code.

Hello, Mrs. Barrows.

Hello, hi, my name's Leila.

I'm not the person who rents out clowns.

You mistakenly called my number

when you were trying to reach Clowns to Go.

See their number is the same as mine,

but in the 718 area code.

I get a lot of calls from people looking for clowns, and.

- [Darcy] You know those people who say get a life.

- Sure, I'll hold.

- [Darcy] Well, if you're single,

sexually challenged babe in the big city,

this is a life.

That is until an actual one shows up.

(suspenseful music)

- [Leila] I saw Evy yesterday.

- And how is your sister?

- Good, she's working on another fish story

for the magazine.

- One uses the Ivy league education

I paid for her to write about food.

The other to serve it. - Here we are.

- I think she's getting cold feet.

- Well, it's perfectly normal.

Well, that reminds me.

I have to take some measurements for your dress.

- Oh, not today, Mammy, please.

- Now come on.

- I understand you've got a new doctor.

Are there any secrets in this family?

- How did you find him?

Handsome?

- Competent. - Bull feathers,

he's a hunk.

- How would you know?

- Evy emailed his file.

- Oh God.

- If you can't give it up for a cute single doctor.

I'll shoot your dog.

- He's not trying to pressure you, dear.

- Yes, I am.

- That place sucks.

When I say push,

you have to push hard,

and don't forget if there's a little blood, okay?

- Will it hurt? - For a little while.

Just make sure it goes all the way through

and catch the needle with the cork.

- [Dottie] Okay.

- Got any cream?

- Check the fridge. - We're out.

Okay, ready?

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, one, two, three, go, ouch!

Oh, okay, good. Good, good, good.

Good.

Just let it stay until it ticks.

- Tell me if you think I've got this right.

Attractive, intelligent self-employed woman,

not 30, virgin, seeks potent, genetically sound man.

25 to 44, short-term sex.

No romantics or commitment secrets, please.

- She's hot.

(men chattering)

- So you mentioned in your questionnaire

that you have four kids.

Can I ask if you're still in touch with them?

Well, as much as the next guy I suppose.

Well, you know, teenagers have a mind of their own.

- So your wife has custody.

- You know custody, divorce.

You are divorced.

- Actually, where I come from, I'm known as being large.

And do you want to see?

- No. - No.

- Okay.

- I'll put the dog in a pound for your baby.

I'll get you barking like a Coonhound.

- I'm just really horny.

(man barks)

- I don't shoot blanks full maple jacket.

- I once had an erection for 19 and a half hours.

- You sure you don't want to take a little peak?

- Also the idea of not paying for sex is a new idea to me.

- You know, I almost didn't come over.

The whole thing just seems so,

I don't know clinical.

Then I realized the sacrifice you were making for this baby.

I thought, well, maybe I could help.

Maybe I was chosen to help.

That the virgin of the Plains was risen,

and that I the foul spawn of indifference

had found a purchase on the honeyed trail.

(upbeat music)

(door buzzes)

- I'm sorry, no more men.

- [Eddie] What?

- No interviews.

- [Eddie] I don't want one.

- Who are you?

What are you supposed to be?

- What do you mean what?

I'm Slappy the clown

Nothing rings a bell?

What kind of childhood did you have

that you don't know Slappy the clown

when he comes to your own front door?

- I heard of him,

I just thought he was cuter.

- I brought you these.

- Don't you frighten the children.

I just want to thank you for referring all those calls

to Clowns to Go.

Hey you, tickles.

Fuck off!

- It's Slappy, okay.

And eat me, pal.

Well, I'm sorry to bother you.

Here.

- Bye.

(jolly music)

(window closes)

(suspenseful music)

- Oh, stay back, lady. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just don't want any menus.

- Did I ask you if you wanted any menus, lady?

I didn't ask you if you wanted any menus.

I don't care if you want menus.

- Well, I don't.

- Good, because I don't want to crawl

around like a reptile passing the damn things out.

- Oh, poor you.

- Right, poor me.

If I don't hand these out, I don't eat.

- Well, if you'd bothered to read my sign,

none of this would've happened.

- I read your sign,

I ignored it and that's how I make money.

- And anyhow, aren't you a bit attractive

to be doling out menus for a living.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Nothing, except you could be like a supermodel.

- Then I definitely couldn't eat.

- Fine.

So what do you wanna be?

- According to my MFA, I am a poet.

- Really, I love poetry.

Say one.

- Oh, what am I, a jukebox?

- Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

- We could go get coffee and muffins.

- Do you think I need a date?

(suspenseful music)

- Me, I'd have this guy in a bondage chair

with a rubber ball in his mouth,

but Leila's going the stale coffee burnt pastry route.

We should probably have a talk.

Let me guess a donut.

- That's not mine.

- What are you looking at?

- Him.

- He's a friend.

- Okay, how'd you find a friend?

- On the street.

He's a starving artist.

- That explains the donut.

- It's not a donut and I have to take it somewhere.

- So when he gets up, give him whatever he wants.

- Don't worry.

- And then, you know, show him the ropes.

- We don't have ropes around here, Leila,

if we did, we'd hang ourselves.

- So what's he gonna do?

- What you do.

Do you think he can handle it?

- We're supposed to tell you

what to do around here.

- As you can see business, isn't an issue,

but there is something that desperately needs doing.

- Which is?

- The boss.

- You have to tell her about the birds and the bees.

- They fly.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You have to tell her how to get boned.

- Consider it done.

- You did her.

She has been crewed. - Right here?

- Right here.

Six hours of good, hard, honest talking.

- Is that a slam?

- She was a bit confused about the penis.

- Who isn't?

- Straight up, you guys make the worst muffins

I've ever tasted.

- The customer likes them.

- What?

(suspenseful music)

(Leila screams)

- I don't have an appointment.

- No please, come in.

- I'm sorry about Timmy.

He's mad at his mother for being pregnant.

- Me too.

- Let me get your towel.

- Here. - Thank you.

Here, it's birth. - Oh, you found it.

- It's kinda messy.

- Ah, well, usually is.

Huh!

Here, sit, sit.

Circles, I don't remember circles.

So I have your test results back,

and everything looks normal.

- I'm normal.

- Well, not normal,

I thought that sounds like average

which of course I don't mean.

You're certainly way, way above average,

like I don't a spectacular.

The point being,

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able

to have a child.

If you want to.

Would you like a grapefruit juice?

- Also?

- Also yes, you mentioned that-

- You read my chart then?

- I'm nearly through it.

You have wonderful penmanship.

- I suppose I was a little thorough.

- No, no, I learned you have very good teeth.

Not that, that matters to me of course.

And that you had a fine education,

which you use to become a waitress in a donut shop.

- Proprietor, muffins.

- That your height and weight are perfect.

- Not to mention your skin, of course, your eyes.

Would you go out with me?

- I really can't.

- Of course not, I'm sorry.

- Not that I'm against it

just that it leads to, you know?

- Intercourse?

- You got pretty far in my chart.

- I was actually referring to love and marriage.

Those two, I don't do.

The other thing,

well, I just haven't done yet.

That's why I'm here.

- That's not birth.

- What? - What?

- Birth's not a donut.

It's an upside down triangle.

- Your source? - The web.

Yours?

- A poet.

- I think we got a loser.

- Thank you, Jean.

- Well, I should go.

Timmy's probably at there squirting things.

I just wanted to give birth to you, the sign.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

(bouncy music)

Okay.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(bouncy music)

- Hey, hey, hey!

Timmy, this is not a toy, okay?

You understand?

You could seriously hurt somebody with one of these.

(sighs) Ms. Peters here?

(bouncy piano music)

- Where did he get food?

Who's he?

- A stray, Leila adopted him.

- Hey, who are you?

- Strictly need to know basis.

- Where is Leila?

She's not upstairs.

- Sorry.

- Tight chip as usual, girls,

This place is like the Microsoft of muffins shops.

- Thanks.

- Thanks too.

- You're skin and bones.

I'm gonna make you a tin roof.

It's your uncle's favorite?

Every bite could kill him.

- Mammy, are you kinda like a woman, right?

- It's a good thing I love you, dear.

- You know what I mean?

You're softer than uncle.

- Thank you, sweetie.

- Do you still have sex with him?

- You do know that normal people don't talk like this.

- But when you do does a big bell go off or something

because I've interviewed some men,

and I don't think I have a bell, Mammy.

- It's just in a different key, dear.

You have to wait for the right song.

(upbeat music)

♪ I had a song about clouds and rainbows ♪

- [Man] That's it, I'm tired of you two.

Out of the car.

♪ Sings like a dove ♪

♪ About some words ♪

♪ About anything ♪

♪ Anything you know ♪

♪ I've paint a picture ♪

♪ On my prison ♪

♪ With blue and gray for the sky above ♪

Here's some Twinkies.

(tires screeching)

♪ Anything below ♪

♪ There he go but I won't miss him ♪

♪ I've got better things to do ♪

♪ I'd write a stories and paint pictures ♪

♪ Of many things I love ♪

(upbeat music)

(car engine revs)

(man and woman laughing)

- (laughs) Not without the children.

♪ I have a story about a couple ♪

♪ Still a plot from an old movie ♪

♪ You can tell what inspired you ♪

♪ Oh, anything you love ♪

♪ But I won't miss you ♪

♪ I have got better things to do ♪

♪ Like writing stories and painting pictures ♪

♪ Of anything you love ♪

♪ Anything my love ♪

(sirens wailing)

- Paxil?

You fed yourself.

What a great dog.

- [Evy] Hey Leila, I'm with Mammy shooting winnings

or something.

Oh, I left you some goodies today.

Have you picked a guy yet?

Call me.

(machine beeps)

- [Man] Hi, my son is having a birthday party on the 17.

- Hello? - I was wondering

if you had someone who makes balloon animals,

especially a pig.

Please let me know my number is.

- [Man] Hello?

Hello, are you there?

Hi.

- Who are you? - It's me Slappy.

- (laughs) You're not Slappy.

He's got blue hair.

- All right, so I'm the gingerbread man.

Do you think I could come upstairs,

and change my clothes, please?

- Why?

- Because I'm a cookie.

- Hey you.

Yeah, you ginger snack.

- What?

- Fuck off.

- Do you have a business card?

Eddy, head clown.

(Paxil barks)

- Paxil, head dog.

I'm Leila.

Do you think I could use your- - Oh yeah, sure,

it's right back there.

- Thanks, excuse me.

What are you having?

- Oh, (chuckles) I change my mind.

Would you like anything at all

along the lines of milk?

- Do you have anything along the lines of tequila?

I've had a long day.

- There's a bottle up there, scotch,

but it's 10 years old.

And the label on it warns you that it was 12 years

to begin with.

- Looks like you can use some too.

- Me?

(chuckles) No I haven't had any,

since I was 18.

Alcohol.

I got dumped.

I got depressed and I drank a whole bottle of Blue Nun.

- Ooh! - Mm-hmm.

- What kind of pecker head would dump a babe like you?

- I bet you say that to all the girls.

(peaceful guitar music)

- What's with the guard dog?

- Ah, it wasn't as pretty as the Collie,

so they dumped him.

- Who dumped him?

- Some rich indifferent owners.

Some people shouldn't have dogs.

And those who truly deserved them,

can't have him.

- Like who?

- Orphans?

Orphans do not have beautiful dogs with little red collars.

- And what about Annie?

- She's an exception.

She's a cartoon.

- So what are you having?

(sighs) What's good?

- Drink up!

Drink, drink, drink.

- Okay, thanks.

- In Okay...

Nepal.

- Lesotho.

- Oh, la, la.

Oh!

- There aren't any else. - There's one.

- Okinawa. - That's not a country.

Ah, that's another drink right there.

- No fair, you've played this before.

- All right, more ice.

I fed myself.

- Good for you.

- Have a girl.

- I'm trying, I'm trying.

Okay, don't pressure me.

- Wait, you're married.

- No.

- Gay?

- No.

- Well, help me out here, Leila.

- That's my sex life.

I'm like a total virgin.

Will you show me how.

- Well your lips were a little, a little bit slack.

You might want to, ah.

Just.

- No, show me.

(jazz music)

You'll do.

(upbeat music)

♪ Last night ♪

♪ I got loaded ♪

♪ On a bottle of whiskey ♪

♪ On a bottle of whiskey ♪

♪ Last night ♪

♪ I got loaded ♪

♪ On a bottle of whiskey ♪

♪ On a bottle of whiskey ♪

♪ You know I feel all right ♪

I undressed myself

♪ Feel all right ♪

♪ Feel all right ♪

♪ Feel all right ♪

(upbeat guitar music)

(Paxil barks)

Oh, I never would have gotten that.

- So you didn't actually have sex then?

- [Leila] No, not according to the evidence.

- Well good.

Well, I mean, most people like

to at least remember their first time

so they can pretend years later they enjoyed it.

- Look, I want tips, hard tips.

Hard as bullets.

I want it to be scary.

- Tips? - Positions.

Good ones.

- I have to answer you.

- You're my doctor.

- Yes.

Well, there's a school of thought which believes

that the conception may be more likely to occur

if one were to,

well, if you were to get up on one zone

or for us helping to maintaining a sperm near the cervix.

- Sperm near the cervix.

- Then after you might want to roll over on ones.

- Back? - Good.

And so that your lungs,

your are up in the air. - My legs.

- That will be fine.

- And? - Gravity takes over.

- Gee, it doesn't sound like much fun.

- Speaking to yourself. (chuckles)

- Bad night, dear?

- I think I got drunk and kissed a clown,

- But that's wonderful.

- I went to the doctor.

- You don't need a doctor.

- It got worse at the doctors.

- It's about love, isn't it?

That sickly blue sheen under your skin,

and a fed of the heart can be wretchedly blue.

People have perished.

- It's alcohol, not love.

- There's nothing wrong,

a little champagne in moderation,

and on the right occasion.

- What about a tidal wave of scotch?

- Washes away the inhibition.

Very instrumental in the bedding of your uncle,

and look how that turned out.

Oh, Lord your uncle, the fitting.

- What's the fitting?

- Your baby sisters big day,

the maid of honor.

I left Ernest 10 in love car.

Today's the final fitting.

- When was the first?

- Well, honey, you're not the bride.

Well of course you, you will be one again.

Oh, where's everybody's coat?

- Just bring me a dress.

I don't even care if it fits. - Come on.

Yumi Katsura waits for no one.

She outfitted the Nutcracker.

- I don't see how one person can forget

about another person when that person is sitting downstairs

in a car for an hour.

- 20 Minutes, max. - 40 bucks minimum.

- Where's Evy?

- You tell her.

- She's not in the mood.

- It's her wedding.

I'm not in the mood.

- The important thing is the only thing is

there is going to be a wedding.

- What about the dress?

- Tell her.

- You tell her.

- Tell me what.

No, absolutely not.

I do not wear gowns.

- You can and you will.

- Oh no!

- Don't worry, we'll get it out in a jiffy,

and you're practically the same size as Evy,

except for the rise,

and there is no rise.

And of course, it didn't like that is.

How do you do?

- Is this the joyful bride?

- No.

- Do I detect a future dress.

- You detect a bottle of scotch.

Where's the dumb dress?

- Please, excuse my extra niece.

She poo-poos love and marriage.

- Ah, the single sister of the bride.

Poor child.

- Well, this poor child will also need something in white.

As we mentioned, we're planning an all white wedding.

This one actually is a virgin.

The bride of course is not.

- (laughs) Ernest!

- Don't worry.

When a young woman puts on a wedding dress,

even someone else's she's positively transformed.

(upbeat music)

♪ When I go and lay myself down ♪

♪ Will I dream ♪

♪ Will I dream ♪

♪ Tonight where are you ♪

♪ Where am I in a dream ♪

♪ In my dream, ♪

♪ Fly me away to the moon and stars ♪

♪ Fly away ♪

♪ So far ♪

- You're a bad boy.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Spartacus?

- It's me Eddie.

- Wow, you look like Spartacus.

But then you look like a lot of people.

- Why are you crying?

- (sniffles) 'Cause I barfed on my sister's wedding dress.

- You can tell me. - I just did.

- Come on Leila.

You're trying to get me to say that I'm crying,

or that I'm really crying because I once as a kid,

and I once had parents,

and I once had secret hopes and dreams,

but I'm afraid that that's not it.

It's that I threw up on my sister's dress.

Well, my uncles will have it cleaned,

but still my sister,

my little baby sister has to get married

in dress that I barfed on.

Once you barf on it, they make you buy it.

- Bastards.

(upbeat music)

- One look, I'm talking about, one,

and suddenly I'm in this vortex

of some giant sucking unfathomably forceful force.

- We're still talking about the Virgin, right?

- It's more like a great big thundering speed ball

of a rushing toady flood.

You know the feeling?

- Lust?

- Dread.

- The kind of dread the perfect women inspire.

- I'm married.

- I should write five TV show words on my blackboard,

and I run with it.

Boy, do I run with it?

- Let it out.

I don't completely remember last night.

- You were toast.

- Still I should thank you for being such a gentleman.

- Well, you were tat on conscious at the time

they have laws about that.

- Gee, you're like the perfect clown.

- Well, I'm not a clown now.

- No, you're a vulcanized gladiator.

I saw the movie.

- Touch my chest.

- Oh, it's so cold and synthetic.

- But inside beats the heart of a lion.

- Nobel Roman.

- My sword is that your service.

- Would you be so shamelessly used.

- I'm Spartacus.

- You really do deserve to wear the skirt.

(Leila laughs)

- Hands!

All right, here we go.

That's it.

- Good play, Donald!

Okay, what happened next?

Tell me the full details.

- So then he took off his helmet

- And?

- And he kissed me a lot, all over.

- And you were awake?

- That's so great.

Breast plate on or off?

- On - Oh my God,

it's just like high school.

Did you touch it?

- I laughed at it.

- No, Leila, no!

- Well, he took it out,

I laughed and he left, that's all.

- That's all?

- I think that's probably enough.

(both laughing) (men chattering)

- I love you, baby.

Yeah, come on now!

- He's quite graceful.

He's rich.

And He's gorgeous.

He's perfect in bed.

Oh God.

(bouncy violin music)

- Hey, boss.

I haven't seen you in a while.

- Who are these people?

- Customers.

- When do we get customer?

- Here's the deal Harvard,

from now on the menus is whatever I decided to cook.

I said the price is according to words by.

Lawyers can no longer refer to eat here.

- Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Who is this guy?

- He hates that question.

How would you know?

- I get no salary,

but 10% of the gross.

We've closed on Wednesdays,

because I don't like Wednesdays.

And we are closed on Sundays,

because I do like Sundays.

But it's possible that I will leave at any time.

Do we have an understanding?

- Are you wanted or something?

- Good one, Donald.

- Say yes, boss.

- Can you get her here by 6:00 AM,

nose ring set and shined.

- Doubtful, very, very doubtful.

So who is hungry?

- I could eat. - What about you?

I don't know how to price your meal.

- Leila.

- Eddie.

- Listen, I don't know what got into me last night.

I'm not used to being laughed at.

- Some clown. - Last night?

It's a long story.

- So this is Slappy.

- All the good names were taken.

Could we take this?

- Listen Leila, I'm beginning to feel

a little bit objectified here.

- Well, Defender.

- Oh, good children.

- Are you really the Defender?

- Sure why not?

- Then you gotta help her.

She's sick.

- How is she?

- Mainly Hypothermic it may kill a week.

She'll be fine.

- They always feel better when they throw up on me.

- Who you were again?

- Eddie. - Head clown.

- Oh.

So someone must be worried about you, huh?

What's your name?

- I'm Jack, she's Red.

Nobody's worried.

- Okay, Red, that's a pretty name.

Do you remember your address, hmm?

- She zipped her lips. - Really?

You know, I once did that too.

I once zipped mine for about a month.

So where is the secret key?

- It's a zipper,

not a lock.

- Huh, well.

Okay, then what about you?

What's your address?

- Same as her is.

We're twins. - Huh?

- Well, on that note, doc, Leila, kids,

I'm off to write some wrongs.

Is he your boyfriend?

- I don't have boyfriends, Jack.

- He's not really a superhero, you know?

- Not by a long stretch.

Here you go, sweetie, you want that?

My dog?

I was gonna mention him.

- Hey, that's her dog.

- Okay, will you take good care of him?

Hmm?

He's zipped his lips too.

- Jack, Red, you're staying with me tonight, okay?

- You got cable?

- I'm just gonna go tuck her in, okay?

- Okay.

- Your room is right there.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna wait here for a second.

- Okay.

- You know, make sure everything's cool.

- I understand.

- 'Cause you never know what's gonna happen.

- That's true.

- I'm not even that tired.

- You're a brave guy, Jack,

you took good care of your sister.

Can I shake your hand?

All right, you know, I was thinking that

what if Red wakes up and you're not there?

She might get scared.

I know you'd rather have your own room,

but you think for tonight and my stay with her, protect her.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

(peaceful piano music)

- I may not be perfect at this,

but I won't be mean,

so please don't get anything bad, or fatal, or indictable

while you're here, or not here.

Actually don't get anything anywhere, okay?

Amen.

- Can you look after them, buster?

(peaceful piano music)

- Are they asleep?

- Mm-hmm.

- (chuckles) It's nice, like a little story.

- Yeah.

When Evy and I were kids,

we used to think our father was an astronaut,

'cause there was always spacesuits laying around the house.

His real job was to make sure that the visors

on the helmets didn't steam up.

- Not everyone's a star.

(thunder rumbles)

- What's gonna happen to them?

- I dunno.

I'm gonna make some calls.

- I was thinking that they could stay here.

- What about your mission?

- Well, I can postpone that.

Still, I think Eddie is an excellent choice.

He can name almost every country.

- On Krypton? - I'm serious.

- Okay, seriously then I would have to say the clown

in question is not an excellent choice.

He's less than excellent.

In fact, actually it's insane.

It is stupendously, mind-numbingly insane.

You don't practice on children, Leila.

You don't pick daddies off a Wheaties box.

The only thing more idiotic

than letting that guy touch you

is letting him father your child.

And the only thing dumber than that is you having a child

in the first place.

- Is that a medical opinion?

No, no.

Do you want one?

- No.

- You know when I was about four,

my mom was pregnant with my little sister,

and she asked me if I wanted to touch her stomach,

and I burst out crying.

'cause I thought that she'd swallow this baby,

and she was going to swallow me.

- So?

- So she told me that she loved me more than anything,

that I had nothing to be scared of.

I mean, the reason I know,

I mean, I absolutely know

that you can love somebody again, Leila,

is that you're so completely afraid to.

- Why are you doing this to me?

Please, I can't.

Look, I told you from the beginning.

- No, I know, you don't do love.

(chuckles) Wow!

- I'm sorry.

- Me too.

(door closes)

(thunder clapping)

(somber music)

(car crushes)

(somber music)

- Wheel of fortune.

- This is a very lucky card.

This means that you'll have a lot of luck.

- All right steady, little flip.

- I got a pancake.

(Beverly laughs)

Hey you.

You guys ready?

- It's not done.

(upbeat reggae music)

Okay.

Yeah, it's all right.

♪ Are there any creatures more pathetic ♪

- 10 minutes kids and we're outta here, okay?

(phone dials)

- Eddie, it's Leila.

I just wanted to thank you for what you almost did to me.

Oh, and under the cape very impressive.

I know I've seen videos.

Certainly didn't mean to laugh,

but this just isn't a good time for me at all,

and thank you,

you've been very kind.

Oh, and by the way, I'm Mrs. Herbert is looking

for two clowns on Sunday.

I said you were excellent.

♪ Everything you do ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ Everything you do you do it for your lady ♪

♪ Love your lady ♪

♪ Love your lady ♪

♪ Love your lady, love ♪

♪ Fools in love ♪

♪ They think they're heroes ♪

♪ How does it get to feel my pain ♪

♪ I said fools in love are zeroes ♪

♪ I should know ♪

♪ Maybe because it's fools in love again ♪

- Oh God, that girl talk.

- Let them be.

This is a precious time for sisters.

(Ernest knocks)

- 10 minutes.

- I can be making a big mistake.

- Me too.

- This isn't about you.

- Sorry.

- Stubborn little monster.

She won't put on the dress or speak to me.

- She's not much of a talker.

- Oh! - Are you?

Huh?

Come here you.

- Do we know any of these people?

- That's Dr. Beverly.

- Oh!

(Mammy knocks)

- Leila is this the way you felt

before you almost got married?

- No.

I felt perfect,

and I felt beautiful.

- Well, I fucked up.

- Thanks.

- No, that's good,

because you were really happy and the guy bailed,

and I'm really drunk, (laughs)

so this is good.

This is fine.

- You shave your armpit?

I did.

- Oh my God, you look like an angel.

- Very nice.

Could we get on with this?

- Red.

You're beautiful.

- So are you?

- Okay, holding our places with sunshiny faces.

- Leila, Leila.

- Oh, now look at you.

- Oh shit, I forgot to write my vows.

We're supposed to write vows.

Gosh!

- (whistles) Little Harvard.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- I'm amazed they still let heterosexuals marry.

Here's the groom at least here this time.

- He's here.

- When he'll be divorces him and remarries.

You do realize we will have at least one more of these.

- Your pessimism has no place at this ceremony.

- Mm.

(jolly organ music)

- Would you agree that the eyes are the windows of the soul?

- Absolutely, father.

- Perhaps your bride might like a glimpse

of your soul just now.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God,

and in the face of this company to join together

this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

You too.

- Rough night.

- Before we recite the traditional vows,

I understand the bride and groom have taken the time

to compose something from their hearts.

- Why do I have to go first?

- Just read what you've written, son.

I love you deeply

like the deep snow.

- Sometimes the hardest to fall for words.

Any bride's declaration.

Is she drunk?

- You, there's a guy with a bee suit here.

That's a bee.

- Just forget it.

Let's move on.

Deep snow?

- Well then if any man could show just cause

why these two may not lawfully be joined together.

Let him speak now,

or else here after forever holds his peace.

Anyone?

Nope.

- Excuse me.

- Will thou Donald to take this woman

to be thy wedded wife?

Will thou love her, comfort her, honor her,

and keep her in sickness and in health

as long as you both shall live?

- I do.

Wilt!

- Will thou Evy take this man because I wedded husband?

Will thou love him, comfort him, honor and keep him

in sickness and in health

as long as you both shall live?

- Oh boy!

- Just say I do, dear.

Or I will.

- Or something else.

- Excuse me.

- Is it too late to forever not hold my peace?

I mean to speak now?

- Who is this woman?

- Sister.

- Look Donald, I know this is a really

tricky timing and everything.

I mean, God, you've got your whole family here,

but look, Mike and I didn't even make it inside the church

at least Evy walked all the way up here to tell you.

- Tell me what?

- That you're not the one Donald.

You're certainly a one.

Probably even the one to a lot of women.

Evy says you really know your way around a water bed,

but you're just gonna have to be somebody else's big one.

- Oh, that makes it unanimous.

- Louis, you're his father. - What?

- Anyway, I'm the last person

who should say anything about love.

But I know what it looks like.

You see, it's this thing.

It's this really,

it's this thing that gets under your skin and-

- And what in me is dark illumines.

- Wow, that's great.

Very medieval, but no,

I was gonna say it's a hairball.

It's unholy hairball,

which rots, and festers, and grows enormous,

so for like 12 years, you don't lay a finger on it

for fear that when it stops choking,

and itching, and gagging you,

you won't feel anything at all.

And then one day a light bulb goes on,

and you see,

and you know,

well, but your sister shouldn't marry the man

that she intended to.

That's all.

- She's right, Donald.

If you think about it,

you understand don't you.

- I understand.

I just don't know where to go.

- Well, don't go anywhere.

- We're unmarried, we're not dead,

we can still get together later.

- Well then if there are no more

completely inappropriate surprises,

perhaps now it would be fine time to call these proceedings

to a merciful close.

- Wait, there's actually just one more thing.

- Of course there is.

- When I was 17, I stood outside of this very church,

and swore to God that I would never again

let anyone tell me they loved me,

and guess what?

Nobody has.

Because the longer that the wall stood,

the higher it got until no one could knock it down anymore,

least of all me.

I've spent a long time scared to let anyone in,

especially the one who's hiding it there,

behind the curtain.

How about it? Beverly,

will you love me?

- Beverly, not in my church.

- He's a man, reverend.

He's a good and kind man.

But even if you're a woman,

I'd love him till death even dared.

Beverly, will you keep me in comfort me

in sickness and dubious mental health.

Beverly?

- (laughs) Okay.

(congregation applauds)

(all cheering)

- What are you doing?

Nobody's married.

- We may never get this close again,

so kiss me, darling.

- Are you insane?

(man sobs) (upbeat music)

- [Darcy] As for the rest of us,

no real change in forecast.

The customer smokes and pines,

but mostly smokes.

- Hey guys, don't heat, all right?

- [Darcy] Many men actually did manage

to turn this dump around. - Hey, my man, here.

- [Darcy] All the while banging Evy

who continues to date Donald.

Dottie's in a millennium cult.

Mammy our den mother is deeply in denial.

Forever planning fabulous weddings that will never come

and fussing over the adopted twins.

Ernest on the other hand,

thinks children like dogs should be seen and not heard.

I don't know who that guy is with the preacher,

but he kind of smells.

Me, I got stung by Eddie repeatedly

until I realized I was allergic to bees.

- I have something for you.

It's birth.

- I have for you too.

- [Dottie] Where are they going?

- Boy, your dumb.

- [Darcy] Wine comes in at the mouth.

Love comes in at the eye.

That is always shall no of truth

before we grow old and die.

I lift my glass to my mouth.

I look at you and I saw it.

That's Leila's favorite poem

which she learned at Harvard.

She says it's romantic,

but I take it to me in a guy who only love you

when he's loaded.

Which is why I have no plans for college.

- I brought something for Leila.

I got something for Leila.

I was gonna bring it,

if she, you know to give her.

I found this in the garbage.

I think it was like a snowball.

You know, it's New York city in here.

It's New York and it was like water

with snow in it and stuff,

and it must have broke.

I thought she would like.

It actually plays the song.

(chiming music)

See, this is the empire state building here.

That's the Plymouth, no, Chrysler building.

And I love New York, man.

I really loved New York,

such a great town.

I mean, love it when it snows in New York,

you know, when it covers all the shit and the grime.

I wish there was snow still on it,

she would probably like it,

but still still plays the song.

And there's times square,

and some corner shops.

There's a little cab right there.

There's snow snowing in New York.

And there was song too.

Stars (mumbles) made it out.

I'm coming today...

New York,

New York, it's a hell of a town,

♪ Something's up and the other things down ♪

♪ Now I'm gone to drive in a cab with Leila ♪

♪ All over town ♪

♪ And we'll make it in this town ♪

I love Leila, man.

I really love Leila.

(tapes rolls)

- [Director] 15 is that a tape roll out?

(peaceful music)

(upbeat music)

(ominous music)