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Steve:
You got to forgive yourself.
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00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:10,183
That's not you, but you've
convinced yourself you're weak,
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00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,597
and you're not weak.
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00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:14,385
‐It's absolutely true.
‐You know it.
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00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,559
‐It's so stupid.
‐It ain't stupid.
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00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:20,728
It's real. It's so real,
and you're not stupid.
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You're dealing
with an addiction.
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I've been a lot of things
in my life.
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00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,280
I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,
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00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:33,489
but being a shaman
is my calling.
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00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:36,122
Ayahuasca is Schedule I
narcotic,
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00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:40,169
the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug.
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It's medicine, and in my church,
it's a sacrament.
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♪♪
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We can do in 2 days
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00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:50,757
what conventional therapy
may take years to do,
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00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:54,049
but only if you are willing
to step into the pain.
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00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,184
♪♪
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[ Country music plays ]
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Mark:
You are listening to 93.9 WLX.
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I am Mark Royce,
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and we are here todaytalking with Steve Hupp.
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Welcome, Steve. Hi.
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Steve: Well, thank you, Mark.I'm glad to be here.
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Steve is the founderand leader
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of the Aya QuestNative American Church
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locatedin Campbellsville, Kentucky.
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Campbellsville is a
very stereotypical,
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conservative place.
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Woman:
Do you know how many churches
there are in this county?
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103 ‐‐ Presbyterian,
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Catholic,
Christian, Episcopalians.
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Woman: Have you heard of this
Ayahuasca church?
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I have not heard of
this aska‐wa church.
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♪♪
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I still don't thinka lot of people
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even know what ayahuasca is.
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Can you sort of explainjust sort of...
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Give us a rundown.
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‐Sure.
‐What is ayahuasca?
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00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,418
Ayahuasca is a natural
psychedelic brew,
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and it's a chemical portal
to the other side.
45
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It's already set up to help us
spiritually transition.
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Hmm. Just want to be sure
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it's not like the Kool‐Aid
in Jones...
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Jones...Yeah.
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I'm not building a cult.
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I am not here to build
a compound
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and load 1,000 people up
who think I'm god
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so I can lead them to whatever
apocalypse I have in mind.
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You know, it's the other side
that does the healing, you know?
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It's the other side that
brought us together to this day.
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It's the other side
who has decided
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that Mother Aya needs
to come into modernization.
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Well, I do not like to hear
there's a place
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in Campbellsville like this.
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I would say something like that
is more of a cult.
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00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:53,049
I just think it's absurd
to even think about tea
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that would get you
closer to God.
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00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,585
We have enough of a drug issue
as it is,
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so this seems like
just another problem.
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What I am building here
is a mental concept.
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00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:05,227
It is a place within our minds,
and it's called peace,
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and it's a word that we
haven't talked about that,
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when we do think about it,
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00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,570
we've been conditioned
to see hippies doing this,
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00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,776
and really a peace
is a place of your mind
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and a place of your heart.
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My goal, at the end of the day,
is to change our perspectives,
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change how we look
at each other,
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and that's what I want,
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not for the country,
but for the world.
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Margaret:
I've been a compulsive binge
eater for a really long time
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and kept it secret and hidden,
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even from my spouse, my parents.
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It makes me feel very vulnerable
and uncomfortable
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to talk about my binge eating
because to me, at least,
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it seems like the amount of food
that you eat is a basic thing
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00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,037
that you should be able
to control,
84
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:07,405
and sometimes I can,
but most times I can't.
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00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:10,674
♪♪
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00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,247
I guess this is my chair, right?
87
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,342
There have been times where
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I just want to check out
emotionally,
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and food's
a great way to do that.
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The main reason that
I'm here today is to see
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if ayahuasca can help me manage
my food choices in a better way
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00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,613
and make choices
that are good for me.
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00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:41,949
♪♪
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00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:47,948
Luke: At the end of 2016,
I planned to take my own life.
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00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,924
I have a motorcycle,
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00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,825
and I just planned
on getting on that rocket
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and riding it into
something super solid
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00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:58,090
and just kind of evaporating,
I guess you could say.
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00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:04,389
♪♪
100
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,557
My wife, the gleam in her eye
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00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:09,306
that I saw on
our wedding day was gone.
102
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,269
My kids did not like me.
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00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:17,940
I just felt like maybe it would
be better if I'm not here.
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Some of the things
that I experienced as a kid
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gave me the idea that I was
kind of worthless or disposable.
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00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,872
The outlook that I have is ‐‐
is quite bleak.
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00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:31,120
I can rally myself up
a lot of the time,
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00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,542
but I don't want to have
to put on a mask
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00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,882
to show people the smile.
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00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,546
I want to smile from the inside.
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00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:39,415
I want to truly feel good
all the time about who I am.
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00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:42,302
♪♪
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I feel grateful to be here
and that potentially
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by doing
the ayahuasca ceremony,
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I will find the answer
that will keep me
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from going back down that road.
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♪♪
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Teri:
So how are you all this evening?
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00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,856
I'm good. I'm...
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00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,357
Nervous energy is starting
to well back up again.
121
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,359
That's okay.
Everybody is nervous.
122
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,071
I don't care how many times
you do it.
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00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,031
You're still a little nervous
every time you do it.
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00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,491
Steve:
Come on in, and have a seat.
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00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,081
How are you doing
this evening?
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00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,696
‐Good.
‐Yeah?
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00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,213
‐A little nervous.
‐That is a popular answer.
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00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,205
I'm telling you.
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00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,168
In this group,
we have Luke from Oklahoma.
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00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,629
We have Margaret
coming from Tennessee,
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00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,550
and we have Gislene
from Michigan.
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00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,010
All right.
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00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,140
We are ready to head downstairs
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00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,757
and see where you all
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00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,683
will be spending
the next couple of days.
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00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,813
Sound good?
‐Mm‐hmm.
137
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,400
[ Laughs ] Margaret is like,
"Let's get it on."
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00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:42,028
All right.
139
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:48,117
If you all would like to find
your spot, set your stuff down.
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00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:51,536
Gislene: My depression started
when I was a teenager.
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00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,786
I always have, like,
just negative thinking
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00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:59,209
and just thinking bad things
about myself all the time,
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00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:03,050
and I did ayahuasca before
about 4 months ago,
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and it started good,
but it was just very hard on me.
145
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,974
Like, it was emotionally harsh.
146
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:13,851
Physically, too, I just felt
a lot of pain in my body.
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00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,810
I went there looking
for purpose,
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and then I just realized
I had a lot to heal,
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so I am doing this again
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00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,730
because I am feeling hopeful
that it will change
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and make me have
more acceptance of myself.
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Margaret: I already feel like
I'm going to throw up,
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and I haven't
drank the stuff yet.
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Not everybody gets sick
on our tea.
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Yeah.
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00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,409
The way it breaks down,
it's usually less than
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half of the people
in any given group.
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Good, I like those odds.
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Steve:
How is everybody doing?
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00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,302
First, before we begin,
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00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,640
I'd like to share with you
why I'm wearing these.
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This right here came from
a soldier from Afghanistan.
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00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,516
This right here came
from a person
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who was battling
an opiate addiction
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who was sitting right
where you are sitting,
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00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,651
and this person,
who was a combat medic,
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00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:09,611
gave me her combat medic badge
as a symbol of her healing,
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00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:13,244
and she came here
facing severe PTSD.
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00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,543
Sitting there at that chair,
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00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,656
that first night,
they were nervous.
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They were tense,
but you know what?
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00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,457
The one thing that got them
through was,
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they learned
to trust the medicine.
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They learned to trust
the process,
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and they learned
to trust something
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they didn't always understand.
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With that in mind, Nik,
would you please add these
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to our altar for this ceremony
as symbols of the healing?
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00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,637
With this group here,
I knew we were facing
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00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,522
a lot more anxiety
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00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,729
than we normally do
in a regular group setting.
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I needed to show them
that others had sat
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00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:49,243
in that exact same seat
just as nervous as them
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00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:52,237
and come through
on the other side intact.
185
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,370
One of the first questions
a lot of people ask,
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00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,077
"Well, how much can I drink?"
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00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,327
You can drink as much
as you can hold.
188
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,539
We're not going to stop you,
long as you're within reason.
189
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:05,421
Teri: We'll do your first cup.
We'll wait 20, 30 minutes.
190
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,920
Then we'll do a second cup.
191
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,091
After that, we'll wait
an hour and a half.
192
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:12,430
For some people, it will take
right up to 2 hours
193
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,927
to start feeling it.
194
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:18,019
Steve: Teri here is one of
the best dosers out here
195
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,636
as far as keeping you
where it's not going to become
196
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,693
overwhelming, too intense,
and your first night,
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00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:27,568
we really want your experience
to be like a warm hug.
198
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,647
Luke:
For 35 years of my life,
199
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:32,412
I've been standing like a boxer
in a boxing stance, you know?
200
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,115
I'm just tired, and I'm ready
to put those defenses down
201
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,156
and become a good father,
a good husband,
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00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,750
the way I know is possible
203
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,115
that I just can't seem
to find the way to do.
204
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,750
Margaret: From what I have read
on the Internet,
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00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,712
ayahuasca could give you
a perspective
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00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,592
from, apparently, a divine way
207
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,050
that makes
you want to love yourself.
208
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:57,642
That sounds good to me.
209
00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,229
Steve:
Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea
210
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,935
made with plants
from the Amazon,
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00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,936
and it is the strongest
psychedelic
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00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:08,818
known to man,
but this isn't like LSD.
213
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,567
Ayahuasca's a portal
to your inner self,
214
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,739
your subconscious,
and through that portal,
215
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:18,489
you're going to meet a goddess
we call Mother Aya.
216
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:22,163
When your journey first
takes off, you may feel euphoria
217
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:29,593
until, boom, the spike hits,
and the purge begins.
218
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,127
You may laugh.
219
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,551
You may cry, and you may do both
at the same time.
220
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:37,801
You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges
221
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:41,524
are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.
222
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,806
That's when you truly
find healing.
223
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,228
‐Yeah.
‐It's okay.
224
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,733
‐Try not to.
‐Don't fight it.
225
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,244
Don't fight it.
‐Let it go.
226
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,526
Steve: Let it go.
Let it go.
227
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:56,870
Teri: There you go.
228
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,197
Steve: There you go.
229
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,201
Margaret purged quickly,
but, you know,
230
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,003
when we poured the second cup,
she was right there.
231
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,038
Boom, it was back,
and you know what?
232
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:08,791
If you're going to
cut your leg off,
233
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,673
you don't want to do it
an inch at a time.
234
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,880
You want to do it all at once,
and that's exactly what she did,
235
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,972
and that is pure, raw courage
236
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:18,507
with a little bit
of desperation mixed in.
237
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:22,101
♪♪
238
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:26,268
I'm like a lot of Americans out
there in that I'm overweight.
239
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,099
I've been obese at times,
240
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,444
and it's been a struggle
throughout my life,
241
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:35,610
but it was never, like, a health
concern until I was in college.
242
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,242
I went to Virginia Tech,
and we had
243
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:41,079
the best dining program
in the nation when I went there,
244
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,905
and it was all within
walking distance, baby,
245
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:48,832
and I gained a decent 30 pounds
in my freshman year,
246
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:51,503
and then there was
a mass shooting
247
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:54,092
in one of the last months
of the school year
248
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:57,468
that forever changed the course
and direction of my life.
249
00:11:57,467 --> 00:12:01,427
Get off the sidewalk.
Get off the sidewalk.
250
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:05,269
Our nation is shocked
and saddened by the news
251
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,136
of the shootings
at Virginia Tech today.
252
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,443
Margaret: And there were 32
people that were shot and killed
253
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,147
on our campus.
254
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,728
It's hard to say
what I was feeling that day.
255
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,534
There was an emergency
alert system that was saying,
256
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:18,988
"A shooting has been
reported on campus.
257
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,318
Seek shelter immediately."
258
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,834
The first confirmed death
I heard of
259
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,116
was a fellow band member
who had passed away,
260
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,750
and my RA had been killed.
261
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:34,709
I know I was basically just
feeling shock and pretty numb.
262
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,302
I count my lucky stars.
263
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,377
I'm thankful
that I'm alive today,
264
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:41,513
but my relationship with food,
with each passing year,
265
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:46,471
has become more complicated
and worse.
266
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:49,314
The shooting was part of that,
but there are lots
267
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:53,110
of other things
that have gone on, really.
268
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:56,316
After the shooting,
there was a big sentiment of,
269
00:12:56,317 --> 00:13:00,987
"Live for 32.
Live for the 32 that died."
270
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:05,579
I still try to do that today,
but so far in my life,
271
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,196
I haven't really made
many changes
272
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,873
in terms of the binge eating.
273
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,872
I'm seeking answers,
274
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:15,344
and I hope that ayahuasca
might be a piece of that puzzle.
275
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:24,138
Luke:
I was surprised with how quickly
I started to feel the effects,
276
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,177
and then the jaguar came.
277
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:38,441
♪♪
278
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:44,493
♪♪
279
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,830
Gislene, how you doing
over here, sweetie?
280
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,247
‐You doing good?
‐Just got a little cold.
281
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,116
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
282
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,883
I just wanted to check
how you're feeling.
283
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:55,625
‐Good.
‐Yeah?
284
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,796
You starting to feel it kind
of kick in a little bit or...
285
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,295
Yeah, yeah.
286
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:02,467
Okay. All right.
I just wanted to check.
287
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,512
Gislene: The difference from my
first ceremony from Florida
288
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,734
is that I felt way
more comfortable here
289
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,555
and more taken care of
because it was a smaller group,
290
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,861
and in Florida it was, like,
about 30 people,
291
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,106
so they don't have the time
to give you attention.
292
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,318
Growing up in Brazil was nice.
293
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,742
My childhood was good,
but when I started being,
294
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,201
like, becoming a teenager,
295
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,541
then things started
falling apart.
296
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,327
My parents were depressed,
297
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:37,251
and so I would just feel
depressed with them.
298
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,881
I just hated myself.
299
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:42,968
I could not even look myself
in the mirror.
300
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:46,085
My anxiety and depression
affect my relationships
301
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:50,434
by making me not feel secure
in a relationship
302
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,971
or just doubting myself.
303
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,144
"Why is this person with me?"
304
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:57,983
Like, I have a boyfriend now,
and sometimes I find it hard
305
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,110
to believe
that someone really loves me.
306
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:06,698
♪♪
307
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,737
Steve: Now, with Luke, I was
watching his eyes tonight.
308
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,912
They were bouncing everywhere.
309
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,041
When I seen his eyes
working like they were,
310
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:16,368
that was telling me
he was in his sweet spot.
311
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:20,964
He was not getting overwhelmed,
but he was on the edge.
312
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:23,462
He's not asleep,
and he's not awake.
313
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,384
He's kind of in
between a dream state.
314
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,343
That's where the journey lies,
315
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,723
and that's exactly
where we want him.
316
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,310
♪♪
317
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:37,186
Luke:
I was surprised with how quickly
I started to feel the effects.
318
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:40,056
It was ‐‐ It was kind of neat.
I immediately felt relaxed.
319
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:43,654
I got sort of a light visual
of a rattlesnake
320
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,031
kind of slither through.
321
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:48,157
I didn't see the full snake.
322
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:52,826
And then the jaguar came,
and it wasn't angry.
323
00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,827
It didn't...You know, there was
no flashing of the teeth
324
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:58,500
or any of that, but immediately
she just reached up,
325
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:04,049
and it felt as though
she kind of ripped my face off.
326
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,546
It just seemed she was taking
a mask off, you know,
327
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:11,639
and left me open, and I felt,
"You are now raw.
328
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:15,267
You are at
your authentic level."
329
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,398
Steve: Are you ready to head
upstairs there, real quick?
330
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:22,767
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐All right.
331
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,113
I'm going to take a bucket
just in case.
332
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,398
How you feeling, okay?
‐Yeah.
333
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,241
All right. Great.
334
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,356
My first impression of Gislene,
335
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,453
I'm seeing a woman
with a lot of pain,
336
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:35,159
and I also see a person who's
really reaching for progression,
337
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:39,461
but I just sense a sadness that
keeps emanating from her eyes.
338
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,417
It was intense.
339
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:44,167
You know, I was scared to go
too hard with her on any front
340
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,050
because she was fragile.
341
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,797
In that first conversation,
342
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,878
I just wanted to make
her feel comfortable with me,
343
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,764
Teri, Nik,
Walter and ayahuasca.
344
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,182
From what I gathered,
345
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,310
your first time
taking ayahuasca,
346
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,597
you didn't feel like
they had enough people
347
00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,981
to take care of you.
‐Mm‐hmm.
348
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,767
‐Was that true?
‐Yes.
349
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:04,361
Well, that's why it's one
of our big concerns that,
350
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,777
one, we stay with small groups
for safety
351
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:11,027
but for, two, so we can give
individual attention,
352
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,070
kind of like what
I'm doing here with you now.
353
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,534
Mm‐hmm.
354
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,453
Now then, coming into
this ceremony,
355
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:19,252
what was some of the things
that we wanted to address?
356
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:23,707
Yes, so I wanted to address
healing for my depression,
357
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,549
just shyness and not having...
just wanting, like,
358
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,205
to have a purpose...
‐Okay.
359
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:31,384
...and a bigger connection
to spirit.
360
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,764
And how long have you suffered
from depression?
361
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:38,392
Since when I was a teenager,
just, like, growing up.
362
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,231
Was there any event
that triggered it,
363
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,016
or was it just one long
bout of depression
364
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:45,060
from then until now?
‐Yeah.
365
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,154
It used to be way worse
when I was a teenager
366
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:50,319
because, like,
all the changes in my body,
367
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,699
I just had a really hard time
coping with that,
368
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:56,117
and I just had
a lot of self‐hatreds.
369
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,577
‐Right.
‐And I just wanted to, yeah,
370
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,498
to kill myself and...
371
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,036
Can I ask when was
the first time
372
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,959
you had serious thoughts
of suicide?
373
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,289
When I was 13.
374
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,134
‐When you were 13.
‐Mm‐hmm.
375
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:12,839
When was the last time
that you had them as an adult?
376
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:17,852
When my last relationship that
I had, like, not long ago...
377
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,767
I mean, I just hated
everything about it and...
378
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,516
Now, was there ever a time
in your adult life
379
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:26,479
that you would call
a great period,
380
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,320
that everything
was going your way?
381
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:29,816
I know I wanted to work
with the environment,
382
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,897
so I got this internship,
383
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,242
so everything was going great
at that time.
384
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,368
‐Okay.
‐I think it was the best time.
385
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,025
That was some of your
best times.
386
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,414
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐So you can have good times,
387
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,161
that's what I'm pointing
out to you now.
388
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,123
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐And that also means
389
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,883
there's also going to be other
good phases coming in your life,
390
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,416
and I just want you
to think about that
391
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:51,339
as the medicine
starts to work with you.
392
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,589
Steve: I was really pleased
with Gislene.
393
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:57,221
She had a rough start going
into her journey in Florida.
394
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,009
She didn't have a good
experience
395
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:01,933
because she couldn't trust
and let go.
396
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:06,062
That's what we had to move
Gislene past.
397
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,522
Personally, I feel that they
were out for the money.
398
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:11,072
You know, anytime you throw
30, 40, 50 people
399
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,567
in a room to do ayahuasca,
400
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,568
you're not there
doing the healing.
401
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:17,570
You're there whoring Mother,
and when you're whoring Mother,
402
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,283
you're not helping no one.
403
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,414
Luke: Before I knew it,
I'm on the ground
404
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,661
with this grown man
on my shoulders.
405
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:28,544
My stepfather was like
a stepmonster, really.
406
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:39,006
♪♪
407
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:45,521
♪♪
408
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,558
Luke: Last night's experience
was very peaceful.
409
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,692
I let go of the stress
and anxiety
410
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,900
and all of those things
that I came with,
411
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,030
and I feel really good.
412
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,407
♪♪
413
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,945
You know, I chose this shirt
because that was an intention
414
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:02,579
that I had,
to come and really realize
415
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,446
that I am a beautiful person.
416
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:07,423
I am worthy, and that...
And I'm wearing it today
417
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:11,335
because, um, you know,
I feel really good, so...
418
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:20,887
I built this wall
of this big man, you know,
419
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,596
but what I realize is that,
that was because
420
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:26,677
I didn't have the big man
inside of me, you know?
421
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,354
I didn't feel confident inside,
422
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:32,193
so I figure
if I build this exterior,
423
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:36,109
at least I would look confident.
424
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:38,900
As a child, my parents,
they separated
425
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:43,204
when I was about 3 years old,
and shortly after that,
426
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,200
I was introduced
to both of my stepparents,
427
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:50,424
and the cycle of abuse just sort
of started happening there,
428
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,666
you know, almost immediately,
429
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:56,508
and that was from the age of 3
into my teen years,
430
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,415
you know, off and on.
431
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:05,514
My stepfather was like
a stepmonster, really.
432
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:09,194
There was a lot of
physical abuse with him.
433
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,475
You know, it almost seemed
like a sick obsession
434
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,270
where, you know, choking me out
435
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,404
or beating me
in front of people.
436
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,531
There was one time he...
437
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,448
Hmm.
438
00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:22,867
I was reading a newspaper,
439
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,195
and it was one of those rants
where,
440
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:26,991
"What are you over there doing,
faggot?"
441
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:29,794
Whatever, and I said,
"I'm reading," you know?
442
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,999
"Well, I don't know what
the hell you're doing that for.
443
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,829
It's not going to get you
anywhere in life."
444
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,844
And I'm like, "I am going to
make something of myself,"
445
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,706
you know?
And that pissed him off,
446
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:41,263
and before I knew it ‐‐
And there were people there.
447
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:44,428
I'm on the ground with this
grown man on my shoulders
448
00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:47,468
with his dick in my face,
you know, like...
449
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:49,313
It's just horrible, you know?
450
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,018
You know, as a child,
I felt like,
451
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:54,608
"My mother's not protecting me,"
452
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:56,475
and I see how
it's affecting my life.
453
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:58,902
I see how it's affecting my
relationship with my children,
454
00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:00,901
and I want to learn
how to deal with that
455
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,243
in a much different
and more healthy way
456
00:22:03,239 --> 00:22:05,069
so that I can create
a life for them
457
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,954
that they're not sitting
in front of a camera
458
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:10,201
like this communicating
about how they wish
459
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:12,044
their parents
had raised them different.
460
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:16,999
♪♪
461
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:22,762
♪♪
462
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,178
‐If you like...
‐Thank you.
463
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,176
...you may have a seat
right here.
464
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:29,058
Sometimes before the ceremony,
Steve will have the individuals
465
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:32,226
prepare something to use
during their journey.
466
00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:35,896
Steve has asked me to bring
you here with these materials,
467
00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:38,646
and we'd like for you to make
an expression of yourself.
468
00:22:38,649 --> 00:22:40,859
‐Okay.
‐Use your imagination.
469
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:43,700
Think about your intention
for tonight's ceremony...
470
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:46,026
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐...and the transformation
471
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:47,581
that you came here seeking
472
00:22:47,575 --> 00:22:49,155
and who you want to be.
‐Okay.
473
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,659
‐Okay, do you feel pretty good?
‐All right. Yeah.
474
00:22:51,662 --> 00:22:53,832
All right. Well, it's a pleasure
to be working with you.
475
00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:55,291
‐Oh, thanks.
‐I'll see you later.
476
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,791
I'll get crafting.
477
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,383
[ Laughs ]
478
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,258
Hmm.
479
00:23:01,255 --> 00:23:03,625
Steve: Margaret is here because
she's a binge eater,
480
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:07,642
that she's had a problem
with her weight for a long time.
481
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:10,216
Now, binge eaters are
like any other addict.
482
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,522
They're using the food
to get dopamine
483
00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:14,976
because
it's a feel‐good hormone.
484
00:23:14,977 --> 00:23:17,557
Dopamine is really
what we're all addicted to.
485
00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:20,693
Even cocaine causes your brain
to flood dopamine,
486
00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:25,071
and so does food, especially
when you're hiding behind it,
487
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,660
and that's what
we're here to break.
488
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:34,833
Margaret:
I was trying to think about
my intention and healing,
489
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:36,830
and the first thing that
really popped out to me
490
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:38,712
was this rock, specifically.
491
00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:41,169
It looked like it had some
purple in it, which is amethyst.
492
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,800
It's my birth stone.
493
00:23:42,796 --> 00:23:44,466
It ‐‐ You ‐‐ It ‐‐
You can't see it
494
00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:47,925
because it's in here
right now because it's me,
495
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,217
and I'm trapped
in a little cage
496
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:55,350
that I made that's sort of like
a snowflake that looks stupid,
497
00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:58,061
but I feel like I'm trapped.
498
00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:01,862
It feels dumb to be so emotional
about something,
499
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:06,527
but I feel like it represents
what I'm looking for,
500
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:10,658
which is freedom from this cage
that I put myself in.
501
00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:19,293
♪♪
502
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:28,510
Teri: Hello, everyone.
503
00:24:28,509 --> 00:24:30,719
‐Hello, hello.
‐Hello.
504
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:32,599
Imagine meeting
like this again.
505
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:34,426
Right?
506
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,731
If you will notice, this brew
is quite a bit darker...
507
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,265
Quite a bit.
508
00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,018
...which means it's quite
a bit stronger.
509
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,440
You're going to find
the medicine
510
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:43,148
is going to come faster tonight.
511
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:45,358
The medicine is a lot
stronger tonight,
512
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,489
so your experiences are going
to be much more intense.
513
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:51,237
You're incredibly courageous.
I applaud all of you,
514
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,660
and just be ready
for an intense night tonight.
515
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,660
Now, when it's darker,
it tastes better.
516
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,542
Oh, I bet so.
I bet so.
517
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,919
Mm, it smells delicious.
518
00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:05,168
So brave, yet skilled
at the art of deception.
519
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,170
[ Laughter ]
520
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:13,801
When I see someone take a moment
before they drink,
521
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:16,394
for me,
I like to see that.
522
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:19,730
I like to see someone pause
and just kind of find
523
00:25:19,727 --> 00:25:22,857
that spiritual neutral
for a moment and, you know,
524
00:25:22,855 --> 00:25:25,435
look at that cup and resonate
with that cup, you know?
525
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,901
That's Mother in that cup.
526
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:30,571
I know that's hard to understand
on that first night,
527
00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:32,491
but, man, by the time
you get to the second night,
528
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:34,069
you truly understand it.
529
00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:35,744
There's things happening here
530
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,413
that no one can possibly
tell you about.
531
00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:40,752
You just have to do
to understand it,
532
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:44,128
and that's when Mother will work
her magic with you,
533
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:47,126
is when you come with
that kind of open mind‐set,
534
00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:49,839
open heart,
and your knock on their door,
535
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:54,050
and you say, "Please come in,
and help me any way you can."
536
00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:57,103
Margaret has to see
the real Margaret,
537
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,597
the Margaret that ain't
going to let this shit
538
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,850
affect one more...
day of her life.
539
00:26:09,068 --> 00:26:13,698
♪♪
540
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:18,327
♪♪
541
00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:23,827
♪♪
542
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:27,422
Teri: The biggest misconception
about ayahuasca
543
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,419
is that it's a drug.
544
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,091
Um, it's not a drug.
545
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:32,880
It's not something you do
for fun.
546
00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:37,053
It's not, you know, "Hey,
you know, let's go party, dude."
547
00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:39,014
It...No.
548
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:42,604
It is a very powerful tool
for helping people.
549
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:46,941
It's a spiritual portal.
550
00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:51,145
‐How we doing?
‐Great, doing good.
551
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:52,441
Are you ready to come?
552
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,454
‐Sure.
‐Excellent.
553
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:56,406
We'll get you a water, and make
sure you get some shoes on.
554
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,026
Okay.
555
00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,953
Steve: Margaret and I have a lot
in common
556
00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:03,372
when it comes to our weight
issues and our eating issues.
557
00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:05,462
I have had weight issues
all my life,
558
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,917
up and down,
up and down, you know?
559
00:27:07,918 --> 00:27:10,838
I mean, that comes with
my addictive personality.
560
00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:12,838
You know, there's times
I binge eat.
561
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,260
Even today, it'd be real easy
to bust into a case of Pop‐Tarts
562
00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:19,640
and sit in front of the TV
and just tear them up.
563
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,098
You know, I know what it is
to go through a binge
564
00:27:22,099 --> 00:27:23,979
and your self‐worth.
565
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:26,936
You feel like shit, and
physically you feel like crap,
566
00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:30,067
and, you know, that just adds
to the depression.
567
00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:33,025
The key to Margaret
is her inner dialogue,
568
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,066
and that's why I've asked her
to make an effigy
569
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:38,370
so we both can see
how she's viewing herself:
570
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:41,905
me from the outside,
her from the inside looking out,
571
00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:45,040
and I believe it's really
going to help bring us together
572
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,998
in tackling this problem.
573
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,340
Now then,
you've got your effigy.
574
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,875
Could you please describe
this for me?
575
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,300
With what I had in front of me,
I took some paper.
576
00:27:55,299 --> 00:27:57,889
I tried to make a little
snowflake out of it,
577
00:27:57,885 --> 00:28:01,005
which turned into a cage...
‐Okay.
578
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:04,353
...that I put myself in
and tied myself into.
579
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:07,389
Tell me how that person
got to that cage
580
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:09,104
because that's
how you feel now,
581
00:28:09,104 --> 00:28:10,944
trapped within
your binge eating.
582
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,859
Mm‐hmm.
I absolutely do.
583
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:18,029
I guess when I try to think
back on when it started,
584
00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,530
the first time I ever ate
an entire sleeve
585
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,082
of saltine crackers...
‐Okay.
586
00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:24,035
...that's probably
where that started,
587
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:28,416
and I just kind of got addicted
to that feeling afterwards.
588
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:31,205
And you said the key word
there: addicted.
589
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:35,459
Addiction is a strange
disease model.
590
00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:38,014
You're going to have to change
your approach to food,
591
00:28:38,008 --> 00:28:39,298
and you know that.
‐Yeah.
592
00:28:39,301 --> 00:28:40,801
I've known it
for a long time.
593
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:42,892
For a long time, but there's
going to be a day
594
00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:45,518
where you're going to get
in front of this thing
595
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:49,015
because I sense it from you
right now how bad you want it,
596
00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:51,399
but you've convinced yourself
you're weak
597
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:54,516
when you fall off the horse,
and you're not weak.
598
00:28:54,524 --> 00:28:57,034
You're dealing
with an addiction,
599
00:28:57,027 --> 00:28:59,397
and we're going
to start over,
600
00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:02,954
and all the yesterdays
don't matter no more.
601
00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:07,040
Only thing that matters is what
are you going to do tomorrow
602
00:29:07,037 --> 00:29:11,497
to make Margaret
everything she can be,
603
00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:14,500
the Margaret that ain't
going to let this shit
604
00:29:14,503 --> 00:29:17,213
affect one more
...day of her life?
605
00:29:17,214 --> 00:29:19,174
‐It's so stupid.
‐It ain't stupid.
606
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:22,014
It's real. It's so real,
and you're not stupid.
607
00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:23,600
Yeah.
608
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:25,555
See, that's part of that
inner dialogue
609
00:29:25,555 --> 00:29:27,925
that I want you to master
and take control of,
610
00:29:27,933 --> 00:29:32,103
and it will be
the hardest work of your life.
611
00:29:32,104 --> 00:29:34,944
So are you ready to throw
the binge eater
612
00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:37,530
and the woman that doesn't
have any faith in herself...
613
00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:39,106
‐Absolutely.
‐...in this fire?
614
00:29:39,111 --> 00:29:41,531
I want you to really look at
that and think about it,
615
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:43,990
and when you're ready,
let's burn that cage
616
00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:45,781
that is holding
Margaret back.
617
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,664
[ Inhales deeply ]
618
00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:51,963
[ Exhales ]
619
00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:54,837
And say goodbye
to that Margaret.
620
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:56,545
Bye.
621
00:29:56,545 --> 00:29:59,665
♪♪
622
00:29:59,673 --> 00:30:02,763
By burning that person
in that cage,
623
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,299
we destroyed
what was holding her back
624
00:30:05,303 --> 00:30:08,353
and the person who thought
they couldn't move forward.
625
00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:10,138
It's up to her now.
626
00:30:10,142 --> 00:30:12,482
The door is open, and she has
to walk through it,
627
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,357
and the path to walking through
that door on that cage
628
00:30:15,355 --> 00:30:18,395
is her inner dialogue.
629
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:19,820
You feeling good?
‐Mm‐hmm.
630
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,778
Okay, and we're going to go
over here,
631
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,568
and we're going to get
into our womb of renewal.
632
00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:27,033
Give me your hand.
Thank you.
633
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:28,744
And let's just walk around
this way.
634
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:34,081
We've created a very
special place for her,
635
00:30:34,082 --> 00:30:35,712
and we put her in the womb
636
00:30:35,709 --> 00:30:38,709
because we wanted her
to start over.
637
00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,672
When we use a hammock
to simulate a womb,
638
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:43,633
you know, the womb
was your first bed,
639
00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:46,973
and I wanted her
to feel safe and secure,
640
00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:49,810
and I also wanted her
to be reflective,
641
00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:52,766
and so by taking her back
into this very beginning
642
00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:54,808
in her subconscious mind,
643
00:30:54,811 --> 00:30:57,361
we could start with
a positive foundation
644
00:30:57,355 --> 00:31:00,935
to allow her to move
forward the next day.
645
00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:02,902
As we're forest bathing,
646
00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:06,163
as we're feeling lights
kind of come, go,
647
00:31:06,156 --> 00:31:11,076
change into warm, loving tones,
these tones and these colors
648
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:15,038
are speaking directly
to our subconscious,
649
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,580
and as you're hearing
my voice,
650
00:31:17,584 --> 00:31:19,714
you're feeling
your subconscious open up
651
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:24,171
to this newfound warmth
and love for Margaret.
652
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:30,514
And Margaret must also give
that inner‐child Margaret a hug.
653
00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:32,934
Right now, I just want you
to forest bathe.
654
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:36,273
I want you to feel the energies
from the Earth,
655
00:31:36,269 --> 00:31:40,439
from the air, from the insects,
from the birds,
656
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,280
and I just want you to be,
for just a few moments.
657
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,200
Just be.
658
00:31:48,824 --> 00:31:50,454
Just be.
659
00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:55,158
I remember the day
of my capture,
660
00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,833
as 80 cops
were swirling down on me.
661
00:31:57,833 --> 00:32:00,213
I can taste the gun
steel in my mouth.
662
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:10,970
♪♪
663
00:32:10,971 --> 00:32:17,311
♪♪
664
00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:20,270
Steve:
When I see Luke, I seen a person
665
00:32:20,272 --> 00:32:23,862
who was holding back
a lot of pain.
666
00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:26,189
I feel Luke has some serious
trust issues
667
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,074
that stem from his mother,
668
00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:31,071
even though his anger
was projected to his stepdad,
669
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:33,454
and that was the focal
point of the anger.
670
00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:37,621
The real bitter pill was,
his mother didn't protect him.
671
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:41,462
But to live, to truly thrive,
you got to make peace with it,
672
00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:44,549
and that's what I want for him.
673
00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:47,416
I know everybody has heard
the saying,
674
00:32:47,424 --> 00:32:49,554
"A picture
is worth 1,000 words."
675
00:32:49,551 --> 00:32:52,761
Well, under ayahuasca,
it's worth 10,000 words
676
00:32:52,762 --> 00:32:55,682
because you're talking
immediately to the subconscious.
677
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,062
♪♪
678
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:01,149
What we've decided to set up
is a projection room,
679
00:33:01,146 --> 00:33:04,976
and we're going to intermingle
some childhood photos
680
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:09,323
with other photos, some good,
some bad, some neutral.
681
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:10,951
Luke,
if you would do me a favor,
682
00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:12,447
just sit there at
that end of the bed.
683
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:14,529
Okay.
684
00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:17,504
Some of these images are going
to put him in places
685
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:20,665
that he hasn't wanted
to go to in a long time,
686
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:23,205
and that's exactly
where I mean to take him,
687
00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:25,380
and then move him forward
out of that grief,
688
00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:27,838
out of that pain.
689
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:31,839
What is your relationship
right now like with your mother?
690
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:35,933
So the things that I find
still affect me today
691
00:33:35,931 --> 00:33:39,601
are more of the mental
pictures of situations
692
00:33:39,601 --> 00:33:42,521
I have seen her in, you know?
‐Mm‐hmm.
693
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,980
And situations she turned
a blind eye that you were in.
694
00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:48,072
Right, and that's...
695
00:33:48,068 --> 00:33:50,858
That can be kind of tough
to reconcile.
696
00:33:50,862 --> 00:33:53,742
As a parent, you know,
the last thing I would ever want
697
00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:56,490
is to cause my child pain.
Of course, we all do.
698
00:33:56,493 --> 00:33:58,253
It's inevitable.
‐Sure.
699
00:33:58,245 --> 00:34:01,365
And if she had issues
with alcohol at that time...
700
00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:04,003
Definitely,
and many other things.
701
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,880
Right.
702
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:09,667
But my hope with kind of
bringing that up this weekend
703
00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:11,633
is that I can
completely reconcile that
704
00:34:11,633 --> 00:34:14,143
because I realize it affects
my relationships
705
00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:15,925
with my children
and my wife.
706
00:34:15,929 --> 00:34:17,349
Yes.
707
00:34:17,347 --> 00:34:18,847
What we've prepared for you
708
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:21,768
is a little projection
here on this sheet,
709
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:23,978
and we're going to go
through some pictures,
710
00:34:23,979 --> 00:34:26,019
and I'd like you to tell me
about this picture,
711
00:34:26,022 --> 00:34:27,442
if you would.
712
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,530
We were in Phoenix
at that time,
713
00:34:29,526 --> 00:34:32,856
and we did not live
in a good place at all.
714
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:35,872
I was actually held up
at gunpoint for a bicycle.
715
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:39,405
Wow, and you couldn't even
tell it by looking at that face.
716
00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:41,871
Well, you know, I think
I've done a fairly good job
717
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:44,291
throughout my life
of putting on that mask,
718
00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:46,251
you know, of happiness,
719
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:48,551
and that's caused
a majority of my issue
720
00:34:48,545 --> 00:34:51,335
because I deal with
my things in the quiet.
721
00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:52,799
Oh, my goodness.
722
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:55,339
Tell me about the day
you married your wife.
723
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:58,313
I had never been happier
in my life...
724
00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,885
and I lost that.
725
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:05,101
I lost that gleam.
726
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,063
Let's go to the next one.
727
00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:09,733
We kind of understand
you like motorcycles.
728
00:35:09,733 --> 00:35:12,533
You know, I planned
my suicide last year,
729
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:15,277
and that was the method
that I was going to use.
730
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,660
Oncoming traffic?
731
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:18,276
Something solid.
732
00:35:18,283 --> 00:35:19,953
It'd have been a good one.
733
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:21,331
Oh, I know, dust.
734
00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:23,248
You wouldn't
have known a thing.
735
00:35:23,246 --> 00:35:25,366
I am so glad
that did not happen.
736
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:27,633
‐So is she.
‐Oh, yeah.
737
00:35:27,626 --> 00:35:28,996
That's my girl.
738
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:33,048
[ Sighs ]
739
00:35:33,048 --> 00:35:35,048
I remember the day
of my capture.
740
00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:37,590
I can taste the gun steel
in my mouth,
741
00:35:37,594 --> 00:35:40,684
and like you, my child,
a flash of my child
742
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,430
at that one moment as 80 cops
were swirling down on me,
743
00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:46,394
stopped me
from pulling the trigger.
744
00:35:46,394 --> 00:35:47,734
Right.
745
00:35:47,729 --> 00:35:49,769
Just like you,
746
00:35:49,773 --> 00:35:54,823
I had to hang in there
for a little longer.
747
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:58,569
You know, I look at that face
right there, and, man,
748
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:01,623
she's looking
at the love of her life.
749
00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:04,248
I would do
anything for her.
750
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:05,535
And you're doing it.
751
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:07,168
Yeah.
That's right.
752
00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,665
You're letting go of the past
so it doesn't become
753
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:13,878
a part of her future,
and that's breaking a chain.
754
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,300
That's right.
755
00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:19,678
And that is a brave thing
to do.
756
00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:22,008
Steve: When I looked at his eyes
in that light,
757
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:23,683
when that face of his daughter
come up
758
00:36:23,682 --> 00:36:25,432
that was about to kiss him,
759
00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:27,853
all the pains
of the world faded.
760
00:36:27,852 --> 00:36:29,602
Nothing else mattered.
761
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:32,904
Arguing with Mom,
Mom being an alcoholic,
762
00:36:32,899 --> 00:36:37,069
none of it mattered, and right
then was his turning point,
763
00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:38,610
and I knew we had it.
764
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:40,373
You can't give
what you don't have.
765
00:36:40,365 --> 00:36:42,235
Exactly, and neither
could your mother.
766
00:36:42,242 --> 00:36:43,742
I know that.
767
00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:46,123
She couldn't give
what she didn't have.
768
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:48,121
‐Yep.
‐But she got you here alive.
769
00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:49,623
That's right.
770
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:51,254
And that's all that...
That's all she could do.
771
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,001
Yeah, and that's all I need,
is to be alive.
772
00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:55,092
That's all you needed
to be right there.
773
00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:56,718
Yeah.
774
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:59,505
And without all those
experiences that you had,
775
00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:01,929
you wouldn't be that man
looking at that child.
776
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:03,258
Not at all.
777
00:37:03,263 --> 00:37:05,773
And that's a beautiful thing.
778
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:10,095
Luke: When I saw the pictures
of my wedding, my daughter,
779
00:37:10,103 --> 00:37:14,023
the emotion
that I felt was gratitude.
780
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:17,153
You know, Mother Ayahuasca
felt like she was telling me,
781
00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:19,402
"You're on the right road."
782
00:37:19,404 --> 00:37:21,114
Let's get you another cup.
783
00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:22,874
All right.
784
00:37:22,866 --> 00:37:27,246
♪♪
785
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:32,325
♪♪
786
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:34,593
Immediately
drinking the ayahuasca,
787
00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:35,956
it flushed my whole body.
788
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,802
I felt completely relaxed.
789
00:37:40,216 --> 00:37:46,346
And then I saw sort of,
like, a cement pad, if you will,
790
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:49,557
and my wife and three kids
and I placed our hands in that,
791
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:52,849
and it sort of symbolized to me
that that is a unit
792
00:37:52,854 --> 00:37:56,734
that I can fully
immerse myself into and love
793
00:37:56,733 --> 00:38:01,493
without the fear of it
ending or fall apart,
794
00:38:01,488 --> 00:38:03,408
and there was that dialogue
795
00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,366
associated with that image
where she said,
796
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,907
"It's okay to live
in your confidence,
797
00:38:08,912 --> 00:38:10,872
and that it's simple,
you know?
798
00:38:10,872 --> 00:38:14,502
You just have to keep moving
in the direction you're going,
799
00:38:14,501 --> 00:38:17,171
and everything
is going to be okay."
800
00:38:25,970 --> 00:38:27,850
[ Birds chirping ]
801
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:32,807
♪♪
802
00:38:32,811 --> 00:38:38,861
♪♪
803
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:41,818
Margaret:
Last night, it was hard to
have to confront the fact
804
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:46,870
that I was not and I have
not been kind to myself
805
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:52,156
or given myself a little bit
of leeway and grace.
806
00:38:52,163 --> 00:38:54,373
We worked quite extensively
out there by that fire,
807
00:38:54,374 --> 00:38:56,634
and we touched
a lot of deep things.
808
00:38:56,626 --> 00:38:59,706
Mm‐hmm.
A lot of what you were saying
809
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:02,302
in terms
of my inner dialogue
810
00:39:02,298 --> 00:39:04,048
was really resonating
with me.
811
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,840
‐Okay.
‐And that's, I guess,
812
00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:09,014
something that I hadn't
really realized about myself,
813
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:10,773
how negative
I was being to myself.
814
00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:12,015
How mean you were
to yourself.
815
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,426
Yeah.
816
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:16,024
A lot of people,
myself included,
817
00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:18,230
aren't aware
of that conversation
818
00:39:18,231 --> 00:39:20,531
that we're having
every moment of the day
819
00:39:20,525 --> 00:39:23,145
that's manifesting
everything around us.
820
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:26,162
Sometimes we got to pull back
and just be for a minute,
821
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,365
and then reapproach.
822
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:28,735
Mm‐hmm.
823
00:39:28,741 --> 00:39:30,031
You're a beautiful person.
824
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,744
Thank you.
825
00:39:31,744 --> 00:39:34,414
Don't lose faith.
You're going to do wonderful.
826
00:39:34,414 --> 00:39:37,634
I can feel it from you.
I mean that.
827
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:41,835
Today, Margaret had the first
sincere smile on her face
828
00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:43,758
that I had seen
since she got here.
829
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:47,086
This was a smile of a person
with a new chance
830
00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:52,023
to create a whole new her,
one where she could love herself
831
00:39:52,015 --> 00:39:54,635
regardless of the numbers
on the scale.
832
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:57,772
[ Birds calling ]
833
00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:01,440
♪♪
834
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:04,361
Gislene: I feel like I took a
big weight out of my shoulders.
835
00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,740
I'm just feeling light,
and my heart feels light.
836
00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:10,068
It just feels good, and I feel
like I'm leaving better
837
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:12,084
than when I came.
838
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:14,826
My first ceremony from Florida,
839
00:40:14,829 --> 00:40:18,629
I left feeling dark and heavy
and disoriented,
840
00:40:18,625 --> 00:40:20,835
and now, after
the second ceremony,
841
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:24,125
I just feel, like,
peaceful and relaxed.
842
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:26,840
Steve: Your inner dialogue
is the most important thing
843
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,511
you can be aware of
in the next 2 weeks.
844
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,470
Remember we planted
a lot of seeds here.
845
00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:35,272
Watch what falls back
into place.
846
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:36,936
We're going to give you
a necklace,
847
00:40:36,935 --> 00:40:40,055
and it's going
to be an owl,
848
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:43,403
and this owl is going
to symbolize wisdom.
849
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:46,689
This is one of the supreme
predators of the forest.
850
00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:50,824
It is completely silent,
and it rarely misses,
851
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:52,703
and that's why we're using
the owl
852
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,910
as a symbol of this ceremony.
853
00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:59,422
I definitely feel an element
of self‐love
854
00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:02,455
that I don't know
that I've felt before.
855
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:06,880
Just stepping into confidence
is natural now.
856
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:12,721
I'm not going to operate
as that victimized child.
857
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,890
All right.
858
00:41:15,890 --> 00:41:18,940
I'm going to give this
to you guys in return.
859
00:41:18,935 --> 00:41:20,305
Oh, thank you, my man.
860
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:23,441
‐Thank you.
‐That's awesome.
861
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:26,819
Oh, thank you so...
Man, that means...
862
00:41:26,818 --> 00:41:29,238
I can't tell you
what that means. Right.
863
00:41:29,237 --> 00:41:31,357
When Luke gave me his necklace,
864
00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:35,834
I looked at it, and you could
tell how much it's been worn.
865
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,497
So when he gave me that rock
866
00:41:37,495 --> 00:41:39,655
he brought into
the ceremonial chamber
867
00:41:39,664 --> 00:41:41,584
that was going to get him
through some of the...
868
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:44,002
possibly the worst times
of his life,
869
00:41:44,002 --> 00:41:48,342
this was his heart
he just handed me,
870
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:51,719
and I just made
another lifetime friend.
871
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:53,388
Thank you, Luke.
872
00:41:53,386 --> 00:41:54,926
I will treasure this forever.
I mean that.
873
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,179
Nice meeting you.
Thank you for...
874
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,220
[ Laughter ]
875
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:00,694
I think coming to Aya Quest
has kind of opened
876
00:42:00,685 --> 00:42:02,805
the door for me to start,
like Steve said,
877
00:42:02,812 --> 00:42:04,482
sowing the seeds of change.
878
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,020
Safe travels, peace of...
879
00:42:06,024 --> 00:42:11,154
Our world and our nation
is sick in many ways,
880
00:42:11,154 --> 00:42:14,664
and everybody has their own
hurts and their own troubles,
881
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:16,697
and it's very clear to me
that a lot of people
882
00:42:16,701 --> 00:42:18,331
don't know
how to deal with that
883
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:21,957
or even begin to know
how to deal with that,
884
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:25,416
so I am just appreciative
of them being a positive force
885
00:42:25,418 --> 00:42:27,208
for change in the world
886
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:31,761
and doing that through
a nontraditional means.
887
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:34,218
Steve:
The healing here is powerful.
888
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:36,348
People come in, and Mother Aya
shows them
889
00:42:36,345 --> 00:42:39,675
a whole new clarity
on their problems,
890
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:43,602
and they leave with a brand‐new
perspective on their life,
891
00:42:43,603 --> 00:42:46,113
and that cloud of depression
has been lifted,
892
00:42:46,105 --> 00:42:49,025
even if only briefly
for a moment.
893
00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:53,145
They realize they can live life
without being depressed,
894
00:42:53,154 --> 00:42:56,784
and we can't allow anything
to stop that growth
895
00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:59,743
within the United States
of America.
896
00:42:59,744 --> 00:43:03,464
We change the mind‐set of this
country and we change the world.
897
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:20,102
Margaret:
I actually got a new car
898
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:23,678
and made a rule where I couldn't
get fast food in the new ride.
899
00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:26,064
I had no eating in the car,
no eating in the new car.
900
00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:56,629
Luke: My children, they are
dealing with a different dad.
901
00:43:56,634 --> 00:43:59,894
I get to be the dad that
I've always wanted to be.
902
00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:02,927
As a whole, I just find that
my relationships
903
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:03,772
are so much stronger.
67317
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