Original subtitles

Steve: You got to forgive yourself.

That's not you, but you've convinced yourself you're weak,

and you're not weak.

‐It's absolutely true. ‐You know it.

‐It's so stupid. ‐It ain't stupid.

It's real. It's so real, and you're not stupid.

You're dealing with an addiction.

I've been a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber and a prisoner,

but being a shaman is my calling.

Ayahuasca is Schedule I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD, but it's not a drug.

It's medicine, and in my church, it's a sacrament.

♪♪

We can do in 2 days

what conventional therapy may take years to do,

but only if you are willing to step into the pain.

♪♪

[ Country music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

Mark: You are listening to 93.9 WLX.

I am Mark Royce,

and we are here today talking with Steve Hupp.

Welcome, Steve. Hi.

Steve: Well, thank you, Mark. I'm glad to be here.

Steve is the founder and leader

of the Aya Quest Native American Church

located in Campbellsville, Kentucky.

Campbellsville is a very stereotypical,

conservative place.

Woman: Do you know how many churches there are in this county?

103 ‐‐ Presbyterian,

Catholic, Christian, Episcopalians.

Woman: Have you heard of this Ayahuasca church?

I have not heard of this aska‐wa church.

♪♪

I still don't think a lot of people

even know what ayahuasca is.

Can you sort of explain just sort of...

Give us a rundown.

‐Sure. ‐What is ayahuasca?

Ayahuasca is a natural psychedelic brew,

and it's a chemical portal to the other side.

It's already set up to help us spiritually transition.

Hmm. Just want to be sure

it's not like the Kool‐Aid in Jones...

Jones...Yeah.

I'm not building a cult.

I am not here to build a compound

and load 1,000 people up who think I'm god

so I can lead them to whatever apocalypse I have in mind.

You know, it's the other side that does the healing, you know?

It's the other side that brought us together to this day.

It's the other side who has decided

that Mother Aya needs to come into modernization.

Well, I do not like to hear there's a place

in Campbellsville like this.

I would say something like that is more of a cult.

I just think it's absurd to even think about tea

that would get you closer to God.

We have enough of a drug issue as it is,

so this seems like just another problem.

What I am building here is a mental concept.

It is a place within our minds, and it's called peace,

and it's a word that we haven't talked about that,

when we do think about it,

we've been conditioned to see hippies doing this,

and really a peace is a place of your mind

and a place of your heart.

My goal, at the end of the day, is to change our perspectives,

change how we look at each other,

and that's what I want,

not for the country, but for the world.

♪♪

♪♪

Margaret: I've been a compulsive binge eater for a really long time

and kept it secret and hidden,

even from my spouse, my parents.

It makes me feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable

to talk about my binge eating because to me, at least,

it seems like the amount of food that you eat is a basic thing

that you should be able to control,

and sometimes I can, but most times I can't.

♪♪

I guess this is my chair, right?

There have been times where

I just want to check out emotionally,

and food's a great way to do that.

The main reason that I'm here today is to see

if ayahuasca can help me manage my food choices in a better way

and make choices that are good for me.

♪♪

Luke: At the end of 2016, I planned to take my own life.

I have a motorcycle,

and I just planned on getting on that rocket

and riding it into something super solid

and just kind of evaporating, I guess you could say.

♪♪

My wife, the gleam in her eye

that I saw on our wedding day was gone.

My kids did not like me.

I just felt like maybe it would be better if I'm not here.

Some of the things that I experienced as a kid

gave me the idea that I was kind of worthless or disposable.

The outlook that I have is ‐‐ is quite bleak.

I can rally myself up a lot of the time,

but I don't want to have to put on a mask

to show people the smile.

I want to smile from the inside.

I want to truly feel good all the time about who I am.

♪♪

I feel grateful to be here and that potentially

by doing the ayahuasca ceremony,

I will find the answer that will keep me

from going back down that road.

♪♪

Teri: So how are you all this evening?

I'm good. I'm...

Nervous energy is starting to well back up again.

That's okay. Everybody is nervous.

I don't care how many times you do it.

You're still a little nervous every time you do it.

Steve: Come on in, and have a seat.

How are you doing this evening?

‐Good. ‐Yeah?

‐A little nervous. ‐That is a popular answer.

I'm telling you.

In this group, we have Luke from Oklahoma.

We have Margaret coming from Tennessee,

and we have Gislene from Michigan.

All right.

We are ready to head downstairs

and see where you all

will be spending the next couple of days.

Sound good? ‐Mm‐hmm.

[ Laughs ] Margaret is like, "Let's get it on."

All right.

If you all would like to find your spot, set your stuff down.

Gislene: My depression started when I was a teenager.

I always have, like, just negative thinking

and just thinking bad things about myself all the time,

and I did ayahuasca before about 4 months ago,

and it started good, but it was just very hard on me.

Like, it was emotionally harsh.

Physically, too, I just felt a lot of pain in my body.

I went there looking for purpose,

and then I just realized I had a lot to heal,

so I am doing this again

because I am feeling hopeful that it will change

and make me have more acceptance of myself.

Margaret: I already feel like I'm going to throw up,

and I haven't drank the stuff yet.

Not everybody gets sick on our tea.

Yeah.

The way it breaks down, it's usually less than

half of the people in any given group.

Good, I like those odds.

Steve: How is everybody doing?

First, before we begin,

I'd like to share with you why I'm wearing these.

This right here came from a soldier from Afghanistan.

This right here came from a person

who was battling an opiate addiction

who was sitting right where you are sitting,

and this person, who was a combat medic,

gave me her combat medic badge as a symbol of her healing,

and she came here facing severe PTSD.

Sitting there at that chair,

that first night, they were nervous.

They were tense, but you know what?

The one thing that got them through was,

they learned to trust the medicine.

They learned to trust the process,

and they learned to trust something

they didn't always understand.

With that in mind, Nik, would you please add these

to our altar for this ceremony as symbols of the healing?

With this group here, I knew we were facing

a lot more anxiety

than we normally do in a regular group setting.

I needed to show them that others had sat

in that exact same seat just as nervous as them

and come through on the other side intact.

One of the first questions a lot of people ask,

"Well, how much can I drink?"

You can drink as much as you can hold.

We're not going to stop you, long as you're within reason.

Teri: We'll do your first cup. We'll wait 20, 30 minutes.

Then we'll do a second cup.

After that, we'll wait an hour and a half.

For some people, it will take right up to 2 hours

to start feeling it.

Steve: Teri here is one of the best dosers out here

as far as keeping you where it's not going to become

overwhelming, too intense, and your first night,

we really want your experience to be like a warm hug.

Luke: For 35 years of my life,

I've been standing like a boxer in a boxing stance, you know?

I'm just tired, and I'm ready to put those defenses down

and become a good father, a good husband,

the way I know is possible

that I just can't seem to find the way to do.

Margaret: From what I have read on the Internet,

ayahuasca could give you a perspective

from, apparently, a divine way

that makes you want to love yourself.

That sounds good to me.

Steve: Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest psychedelic

known to man, but this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca's a portal to your inner self,

your subconscious, and through that portal,

you're going to meet a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first takes off, you may feel euphoria

until, boom, the spike hits, and the purge begins.

You may laugh.

You may cry, and you may do both at the same time.

You may puke or shit, but each of those purges

are a physical manifestation of an emotional release.

That's when you truly find healing.

‐Yeah. ‐It's okay.

‐Try not to. ‐Don't fight it.

Don't fight it. ‐Let it go.

Steve: Let it go. Let it go.

Teri: There you go.

Steve: There you go.

Margaret purged quickly, but, you know,

when we poured the second cup, she was right there.

Boom, it was back, and you know what?

If you're going to cut your leg off,

you don't want to do it an inch at a time.

You want to do it all at once, and that's exactly what she did,

and that is pure, raw courage

with a little bit of desperation mixed in.

♪♪

I'm like a lot of Americans out there in that I'm overweight.

I've been obese at times,

and it's been a struggle throughout my life,

but it was never, like, a health concern until I was in college.

I went to Virginia Tech, and we had

the best dining program in the nation when I went there,

and it was all within walking distance, baby,

and I gained a decent 30 pounds in my freshman year,

and then there was a mass shooting

in one of the last months of the school year

that forever changed the course and direction of my life.

Get off the sidewalk. Get off the sidewalk.

Our nation is shocked and saddened by the news

of the shootings at Virginia Tech today.

Margaret: And there were 32 people that were shot and killed

on our campus.

It's hard to say what I was feeling that day.

There was an emergency alert system that was saying,

"A shooting has been reported on campus.

Seek shelter immediately."

The first confirmed death I heard of

was a fellow band member who had passed away,

and my RA had been killed.

I know I was basically just feeling shock and pretty numb.

I count my lucky stars.

I'm thankful that I'm alive today,

but my relationship with food, with each passing year,

has become more complicated and worse.

The shooting was part of that, but there are lots

of other things that have gone on, really.

After the shooting, there was a big sentiment of,

"Live for 32. Live for the 32 that died."

I still try to do that today, but so far in my life,

I haven't really made many changes

in terms of the binge eating.

I'm seeking answers,

and I hope that ayahuasca might be a piece of that puzzle.

Luke: I was surprised with how quickly I started to feel the effects,

and then the jaguar came.

♪♪

♪♪

Gislene, how you doing over here, sweetie?

‐You doing good? ‐Just got a little cold.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I just wanted to check how you're feeling.

‐Good. ‐Yeah?

You starting to feel it kind of kick in a little bit or...

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. I just wanted to check.

Gislene: The difference from my first ceremony from Florida

is that I felt way more comfortable here

and more taken care of because it was a smaller group,

and in Florida it was, like, about 30 people,

so they don't have the time to give you attention.

Growing up in Brazil was nice.

My childhood was good, but when I started being,

like, becoming a teenager,

then things started falling apart.

My parents were depressed,

and so I would just feel depressed with them.

I just hated myself.

I could not even look myself in the mirror.

My anxiety and depression affect my relationships

by making me not feel secure in a relationship

or just doubting myself.

"Why is this person with me?"

Like, I have a boyfriend now, and sometimes I find it hard

to believe that someone really loves me.

♪♪

Steve: Now, with Luke, I was watching his eyes tonight.

They were bouncing everywhere.

When I seen his eyes working like they were,

that was telling me he was in his sweet spot.

He was not getting overwhelmed, but he was on the edge.

He's not asleep, and he's not awake.

He's kind of in between a dream state.

That's where the journey lies,

and that's exactly where we want him.

♪♪

Luke: I was surprised with how quickly I started to feel the effects.

It was ‐‐ It was kind of neat. I immediately felt relaxed.

I got sort of a light visual of a rattlesnake

kind of slither through.

I didn't see the full snake.

And then the jaguar came, and it wasn't angry.

It didn't...You know, there was no flashing of the teeth

or any of that, but immediately she just reached up,

and it felt as though she kind of ripped my face off.

It just seemed she was taking a mask off, you know,

and left me open, and I felt, "You are now raw.

You are at your authentic level."

Steve: Are you ready to head upstairs there, real quick?

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐All right.

I'm going to take a bucket just in case.

How you feeling, okay? ‐Yeah.

All right. Great.

My first impression of Gislene,

I'm seeing a woman with a lot of pain,

and I also see a person who's really reaching for progression,

but I just sense a sadness that keeps emanating from her eyes.

It was intense.

You know, I was scared to go too hard with her on any front

because she was fragile.

In that first conversation,

I just wanted to make her feel comfortable with me,

Teri, Nik, Walter and ayahuasca.

From what I gathered,

your first time taking ayahuasca,

you didn't feel like they had enough people

to take care of you. ‐Mm‐hmm.

‐Was that true? ‐Yes.

Well, that's why it's one of our big concerns that,

one, we stay with small groups for safety

but for, two, so we can give individual attention,

kind of like what I'm doing here with you now.

Mm‐hmm.

Now then, coming into this ceremony,

what was some of the things that we wanted to address?

Yes, so I wanted to address healing for my depression,

just shyness and not having... just wanting, like,

to have a purpose... ‐Okay.

...and a bigger connection to spirit.

And how long have you suffered from depression?

Since when I was a teenager, just, like, growing up.

Was there any event that triggered it,

or was it just one long bout of depression

from then until now? ‐Yeah.

It used to be way worse when I was a teenager

because, like, all the changes in my body,

I just had a really hard time coping with that,

and I just had a lot of self‐hatreds.

‐Right. ‐And I just wanted to, yeah,

to kill myself and...

Can I ask when was the first time

you had serious thoughts of suicide?

When I was 13.

‐When you were 13. ‐Mm‐hmm.

When was the last time that you had them as an adult?

When my last relationship that I had, like, not long ago...

I mean, I just hated everything about it and...

Now, was there ever a time in your adult life

that you would call a great period,

that everything was going your way?

I know I wanted to work with the environment,

so I got this internship,

so everything was going great at that time.

‐Okay. ‐I think it was the best time.

That was some of your best times.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐So you can have good times,

that's what I'm pointing out to you now.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐And that also means

there's also going to be other good phases coming in your life,

and I just want you to think about that

as the medicine starts to work with you.

Steve: I was really pleased with Gislene.

She had a rough start going into her journey in Florida.

She didn't have a good experience

because she couldn't trust and let go.

That's what we had to move Gislene past.

Personally, I feel that they were out for the money.

You know, anytime you throw 30, 40, 50 people

in a room to do ayahuasca,

you're not there doing the healing.

You're there whoring Mother, and when you're whoring Mother,

you're not helping no one.

Luke: Before I knew it, I'm on the ground

with this grown man on my shoulders.

My stepfather was like a stepmonster, really.

♪♪

♪♪

Luke: Last night's experience was very peaceful.

I let go of the stress and anxiety

and all of those things that I came with,

and I feel really good.

♪♪

You know, I chose this shirt because that was an intention

that I had, to come and really realize

that I am a beautiful person.

I am worthy, and that... And I'm wearing it today

because, um, you know, I feel really good, so...

I built this wall of this big man, you know,

but what I realize is that, that was because

I didn't have the big man inside of me, you know?

I didn't feel confident inside,

so I figure if I build this exterior,

at least I would look confident.

As a child, my parents, they separated

when I was about 3 years old, and shortly after that,

I was introduced to both of my stepparents,

and the cycle of abuse just sort of started happening there,

you know, almost immediately,

and that was from the age of 3 into my teen years,

you know, off and on.

My stepfather was like a stepmonster, really.

There was a lot of physical abuse with him.

You know, it almost seemed like a sick obsession

where, you know, choking me out

or beating me in front of people.

There was one time he...

Hmm.

I was reading a newspaper,

and it was one of those rants where,

"What are you over there doing, faggot?"

Whatever, and I said, "I'm reading," you know?

"Well, I don't know what the hell you're doing that for.

It's not going to get you anywhere in life."

And I'm like, "I am going to make something of myself,"

you know? And that pissed him off,

and before I knew it ‐‐ And there were people there.

I'm on the ground with this grown man on my shoulders

with his dick in my face, you know, like...

It's just horrible, you know?

You know, as a child, I felt like,

"My mother's not protecting me,"

and I see how it's affecting my life.

I see how it's affecting my relationship with my children,

and I want to learn how to deal with that

in a much different and more healthy way

so that I can create a life for them

that they're not sitting in front of a camera

like this communicating about how they wish

their parents had raised them different.

♪♪

♪♪

‐If you like... ‐Thank you.

...you may have a seat right here.

Sometimes before the ceremony, Steve will have the individuals

prepare something to use during their journey.

Steve has asked me to bring you here with these materials,

and we'd like for you to make an expression of yourself.

‐Okay. ‐Use your imagination.

Think about your intention for tonight's ceremony...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐...and the transformation

that you came here seeking

and who you want to be. ‐Okay.

‐Okay, do you feel pretty good? ‐All right. Yeah.

All right. Well, it's a pleasure to be working with you.

‐Oh, thanks. ‐I'll see you later.

I'll get crafting.

[ Laughs ]

Hmm.

Steve: Margaret is here because she's a binge eater,

that she's had a problem with her weight for a long time.

Now, binge eaters are like any other addict.

They're using the food to get dopamine

because it's a feel‐good hormone.

Dopamine is really what we're all addicted to.

Even cocaine causes your brain to flood dopamine,

and so does food, especially when you're hiding behind it,

and that's what we're here to break.

Margaret: I was trying to think about my intention and healing,

and the first thing that really popped out to me

was this rock, specifically.

It looked like it had some purple in it, which is amethyst.

It's my birth stone.

It ‐‐ You ‐‐ It ‐‐ You can't see it

because it's in here right now because it's me,

and I'm trapped in a little cage

that I made that's sort of like a snowflake that looks stupid,

but I feel like I'm trapped.

It feels dumb to be so emotional about something,

but I feel like it represents what I'm looking for,

which is freedom from this cage that I put myself in.

♪♪

Teri: Hello, everyone.

‐Hello, hello. ‐Hello.

Imagine meeting like this again.

Right?

If you will notice, this brew is quite a bit darker...

Quite a bit.

...which means it's quite a bit stronger.

You're going to find the medicine

is going to come faster tonight.

The medicine is a lot stronger tonight,

so your experiences are going to be much more intense.

You're incredibly courageous. I applaud all of you,

and just be ready for an intense night tonight.

Now, when it's darker, it tastes better.

Oh, I bet so. I bet so.

Mm, it smells delicious.

So brave, yet skilled at the art of deception.

[ Laughter ]

When I see someone take a moment before they drink,

for me, I like to see that.

I like to see someone pause and just kind of find

that spiritual neutral for a moment and, you know,

look at that cup and resonate with that cup, you know?

That's Mother in that cup.

I know that's hard to understand on that first night,

but, man, by the time you get to the second night,

you truly understand it.

There's things happening here

that no one can possibly tell you about.

You just have to do to understand it,

and that's when Mother will work her magic with you,

is when you come with that kind of open mind‐set,

open heart, and your knock on their door,

and you say, "Please come in, and help me any way you can."

Margaret has to see the real Margaret,

the Margaret that ain't going to let this shit

affect one more... day of her life.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Teri: The biggest misconception about ayahuasca

is that it's a drug.

Um, it's not a drug.

It's not something you do for fun.

It's not, you know, "Hey, you know, let's go party, dude."

It...No.

It is a very powerful tool for helping people.

It's a spiritual portal.

‐How we doing? ‐Great, doing good.

Are you ready to come?

‐Sure. ‐Excellent.

We'll get you a water, and make sure you get some shoes on.

Okay.

Steve: Margaret and I have a lot in common

when it comes to our weight issues and our eating issues.

I have had weight issues all my life,

up and down, up and down, you know?

I mean, that comes with my addictive personality.

You know, there's times I binge eat.

Even today, it'd be real easy to bust into a case of Pop‐Tarts

and sit in front of the TV and just tear them up.

You know, I know what it is to go through a binge

and your self‐worth.

You feel like shit, and physically you feel like crap,

and, you know, that just adds to the depression.

The key to Margaret is her inner dialogue,

and that's why I've asked her to make an effigy

so we both can see how she's viewing herself:

me from the outside, her from the inside looking out,

and I believe it's really going to help bring us together

in tackling this problem.

Now then, you've got your effigy.

Could you please describe this for me?

With what I had in front of me, I took some paper.

I tried to make a little snowflake out of it,

which turned into a cage... ‐Okay.

...that I put myself in and tied myself into.

Tell me how that person got to that cage

because that's how you feel now,

trapped within your binge eating.

Mm‐hmm. I absolutely do.

I guess when I try to think back on when it started,

the first time I ever ate an entire sleeve

of saltine crackers... ‐Okay.

...that's probably where that started,

and I just kind of got addicted to that feeling afterwards.

And you said the key word there: addicted.

Addiction is a strange disease model.

You're going to have to change your approach to food,

and you know that. ‐Yeah.

I've known it for a long time.

For a long time, but there's going to be a day

where you're going to get in front of this thing

because I sense it from you right now how bad you want it,

but you've convinced yourself you're weak

when you fall off the horse, and you're not weak.

You're dealing with an addiction,

and we're going to start over,

and all the yesterdays don't matter no more.

Only thing that matters is what are you going to do tomorrow

to make Margaret everything she can be,

the Margaret that ain't going to let this shit

affect one more ...day of her life?

‐It's so stupid. ‐It ain't stupid.

It's real. It's so real, and you're not stupid.

Yeah.

See, that's part of that inner dialogue

that I want you to master and take control of,

and it will be the hardest work of your life.

So are you ready to throw the binge eater

and the woman that doesn't have any faith in herself...

‐Absolutely. ‐...in this fire?

I want you to really look at that and think about it,

and when you're ready, let's burn that cage

that is holding Margaret back.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Exhales ]

And say goodbye to that Margaret.

Bye.

♪♪

By burning that person in that cage,

we destroyed what was holding her back

and the person who thought they couldn't move forward.

It's up to her now.

The door is open, and she has to walk through it,

and the path to walking through that door on that cage

is her inner dialogue.

You feeling good? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Okay, and we're going to go over here,

and we're going to get into our womb of renewal.

Give me your hand. Thank you.

And let's just walk around this way.

We've created a very special place for her,

and we put her in the womb

because we wanted her to start over.

When we use a hammock to simulate a womb,

you know, the womb was your first bed,

and I wanted her to feel safe and secure,

and I also wanted her to be reflective,

and so by taking her back into this very beginning

in her subconscious mind,

we could start with a positive foundation

to allow her to move forward the next day.

As we're forest bathing,

as we're feeling lights kind of come, go,

change into warm, loving tones, these tones and these colors

are speaking directly to our subconscious,

and as you're hearing my voice,

you're feeling your subconscious open up

to this newfound warmth and love for Margaret.

And Margaret must also give that inner‐child Margaret a hug.

Right now, I just want you to forest bathe.

I want you to feel the energies from the Earth,

from the air, from the insects, from the birds,

and I just want you to be, for just a few moments.

Just be.

Just be.

I remember the day of my capture,

as 80 cops were swirling down on me.

I can taste the gun steel in my mouth.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: When I see Luke, I seen a person

who was holding back a lot of pain.

I feel Luke has some serious trust issues

that stem from his mother,

even though his anger was projected to his stepdad,

and that was the focal point of the anger.

The real bitter pill was, his mother didn't protect him.

But to live, to truly thrive, you got to make peace with it,

and that's what I want for him.

I know everybody has heard the saying,

"A picture is worth 1,000 words."

Well, under ayahuasca, it's worth 10,000 words

because you're talking immediately to the subconscious.

♪♪

What we've decided to set up is a projection room,

and we're going to intermingle some childhood photos

with other photos, some good, some bad, some neutral.

Luke, if you would do me a favor,

just sit there at that end of the bed.

Okay.

Some of these images are going to put him in places

that he hasn't wanted to go to in a long time,

and that's exactly where I mean to take him,

and then move him forward out of that grief,

out of that pain.

What is your relationship right now like with your mother?

So the things that I find still affect me today

are more of the mental pictures of situations

I have seen her in, you know? ‐Mm‐hmm.

And situations she turned a blind eye that you were in.

Right, and that's...

That can be kind of tough to reconcile.

As a parent, you know, the last thing I would ever want

is to cause my child pain. Of course, we all do.

It's inevitable. ‐Sure.

And if she had issues with alcohol at that time...

Definitely, and many other things.

Right.

But my hope with kind of bringing that up this weekend

is that I can completely reconcile that

because I realize it affects my relationships

with my children and my wife.

Yes.

What we've prepared for you

is a little projection here on this sheet,

and we're going to go through some pictures,

and I'd like you to tell me about this picture,

if you would.

We were in Phoenix at that time,

and we did not live in a good place at all.

I was actually held up at gunpoint for a bicycle.

Wow, and you couldn't even tell it by looking at that face.

Well, you know, I think I've done a fairly good job

throughout my life of putting on that mask,

you know, of happiness,

and that's caused a majority of my issue

because I deal with my things in the quiet.

Oh, my goodness.

Tell me about the day you married your wife.

I had never been happier in my life...

and I lost that.

I lost that gleam.

Let's go to the next one.

We kind of understand you like motorcycles.

You know, I planned my suicide last year,

and that was the method that I was going to use.

Oncoming traffic?

Something solid.

It'd have been a good one.

Oh, I know, dust.

You wouldn't have known a thing.

I am so glad that did not happen.

‐So is she. ‐Oh, yeah.

That's my girl.

[ Sighs ]

I remember the day of my capture.

I can taste the gun steel in my mouth,

and like you, my child, a flash of my child

at that one moment as 80 cops were swirling down on me,

stopped me from pulling the trigger.

Right.

Just like you,

I had to hang in there for a little longer.

You know, I look at that face right there, and, man,

she's looking at the love of her life.

I would do anything for her.

And you're doing it.

Yeah. That's right.

You're letting go of the past so it doesn't become

a part of her future, and that's breaking a chain.

That's right.

And that is a brave thing to do.

Steve: When I looked at his eyes in that light,

when that face of his daughter come up

that was about to kiss him,

all the pains of the world faded.

Nothing else mattered.

Arguing with Mom, Mom being an alcoholic,

none of it mattered, and right then was his turning point,

and I knew we had it.

You can't give what you don't have.

Exactly, and neither could your mother.

I know that.

She couldn't give what she didn't have.

‐Yep. ‐But she got you here alive.

That's right.

And that's all that... That's all she could do.

Yeah, and that's all I need, is to be alive.

That's all you needed to be right there.

Yeah.

And without all those experiences that you had,

you wouldn't be that man looking at that child.

Not at all.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Luke: When I saw the pictures of my wedding, my daughter,

the emotion that I felt was gratitude.

You know, Mother Ayahuasca felt like she was telling me,

"You're on the right road."

Let's get you another cup.

All right.

♪♪

♪♪

Immediately drinking the ayahuasca,

it flushed my whole body.

I felt completely relaxed.

And then I saw sort of, like, a cement pad, if you will,

and my wife and three kids and I placed our hands in that,

and it sort of symbolized to me that that is a unit

that I can fully immerse myself into and love

without the fear of it ending or fall apart,

and there was that dialogue

associated with that image where she said,

"It's okay to live in your confidence,

and that it's simple, you know?

You just have to keep moving in the direction you're going,

and everything is going to be okay."

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

♪♪

Margaret: Last night, it was hard to have to confront the fact

that I was not and I have not been kind to myself

or given myself a little bit of leeway and grace.

We worked quite extensively out there by that fire,

and we touched a lot of deep things.

Mm‐hmm. A lot of what you were saying

in terms of my inner dialogue

was really resonating with me.

‐Okay. ‐And that's, I guess,

something that I hadn't really realized about myself,

how negative I was being to myself.

How mean you were to yourself.

Yeah.

A lot of people, myself included,

aren't aware of that conversation

that we're having every moment of the day

that's manifesting everything around us.

Sometimes we got to pull back and just be for a minute,

and then reapproach.

Mm‐hmm.

You're a beautiful person.

Thank you.

Don't lose faith. You're going to do wonderful.

I can feel it from you. I mean that.

Today, Margaret had the first sincere smile on her face

that I had seen since she got here.

This was a smile of a person with a new chance

to create a whole new her, one where she could love herself

regardless of the numbers on the scale.

[ Birds calling ]

♪♪

Gislene: I feel like I took a big weight out of my shoulders.

I'm just feeling light, and my heart feels light.

It just feels good, and I feel like I'm leaving better

than when I came.

My first ceremony from Florida,

I left feeling dark and heavy and disoriented,

and now, after the second ceremony,

I just feel, like, peaceful and relaxed.

Steve: Your inner dialogue is the most important thing

you can be aware of in the next 2 weeks.

Remember we planted a lot of seeds here.

Watch what falls back into place.

We're going to give you a necklace,

and it's going to be an owl,

and this owl is going to symbolize wisdom.

This is one of the supreme predators of the forest.

It is completely silent, and it rarely misses,

and that's why we're using the owl

as a symbol of this ceremony.

I definitely feel an element of self‐love

that I don't know that I've felt before.

Just stepping into confidence is natural now.

I'm not going to operate as that victimized child.

All right.

I'm going to give this to you guys in return.

Oh, thank you, my man.

‐Thank you. ‐That's awesome.

Oh, thank you so... Man, that means...

I can't tell you what that means. Right.

When Luke gave me his necklace,

I looked at it, and you could tell how much it's been worn.

So when he gave me that rock

he brought into the ceremonial chamber

that was going to get him through some of the...

possibly the worst times of his life,

this was his heart he just handed me,

and I just made another lifetime friend.

Thank you, Luke.

I will treasure this forever. I mean that.

Nice meeting you. Thank you for...

[ Laughter ]

I think coming to Aya Quest has kind of opened

the door for me to start, like Steve said,

sowing the seeds of change.

Safe travels, peace of...

Our world and our nation is sick in many ways,

and everybody has their own hurts and their own troubles,

and it's very clear to me that a lot of people

don't know how to deal with that

or even begin to know how to deal with that,

so I am just appreciative of them being a positive force

for change in the world

and doing that through a nontraditional means.

Steve: The healing here is powerful.

People come in, and Mother Aya shows them

a whole new clarity on their problems,

and they leave with a brand‐new perspective on their life,

and that cloud of depression has been lifted,

even if only briefly for a moment.

They realize they can live life without being depressed,

and we can't allow anything to stop that growth

within the United States of America.

We change the mind‐set of this country and we change the world.

Margaret: I actually got a new car

and made a rule where I couldn't get fast food in the new ride.

I had no eating in the car, no eating in the new car.

Luke: My children, they are dealing with a different dad.

I get to be the dad that I've always wanted to be.

As a whole, I just find that my relationships

are so much stronger.