All language subtitles for Kentucky.Ayahuasca.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

I want to know, when you look
at yourself, what do you see?

Honestly, I try not to stare at
myself too much in the mirror.

Steve: You're not a slut.
[ Sobs ]

You're not
a piece of shit.

And you are not the first person
to fall prey to a predator.

Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,

but being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca
is a schedule‐I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,

but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,

and in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy
may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.

♪♪

I started working with people
as a medicine person

and as a shaman approximately
15, 16 years ago.

At the time, I was recently
released from prison.

I applied everything that
I'd ever learned

while I was a criminal
to doing ceremonies underground.

If I worked with somebody,

it would be in a different
location each time.

And each location
would only be used once.

And I made sure my footprint
in that location

was incredibly minimal.

Here's this class‐I scheduled
substance

that the government looks
at the same as meth,

opiates, heroin ‐‐

and it's healing people
right in front of me.

There was many times I was
wondering what in the...

am I getting into.

I am not only distributing
a class‐I substance,

I'm manufacturing
a class‐I substance.

If they bust me doing this,

I'm going to prison
for the rest of my life.

But you know what?

Every time, Mother was there
just nudging me ‐‐

"Come on, dude.
You can do this."

I go to the spirits, and they're
like, "We got your back.

We need you to trust us.

We need your skill set to bring
Mother out of the jungle.

And then, in 2013, gay marriage
was starting to become legal

in a handful of states.

And Southern Baptist ministers
were scared

that gay couples were gonna
come to Kentucky

and force them
to marry them.

‐Homosexuals...
‐Kentucky enacted

the Religious Freedom
Restoration act.

This act states that
the government

shall not substantially burden
a person's freedom of religion.

Essentially, however people
worshipped in their church

was off‐limits
to the government.

I recognized quickly,
that in this act

there was a loophole
that I could go legit.

I went to the local authorities,

I filed my paperwork
that I was starting a church ‐‐

of course I didn't
mention ayahuasca.

It was just a Native
American church

where we were gonna
offer spiritual ceremonies.

And that's when we stepped out,
planted our flag.

I am here, and I'm giving
the most powerful psychedelic

known to man to some of
the most unstable people.

And guess what?

We're healing 'em
every step of the way.

♪♪

Donavan:
When I wake up in the mornings,
I always have at least one beer

just because I‐I feel sick
if I don't.

♪♪

I'm an alcoholic, for sure.

On average, what I drink a day,
after work it's about a 6‐pack.

On a day off work,
probably a 12‐pack.

If not, a 24‐pack sometimes.

This morning.

Now I'm pretending being
an alcoholic's great ‐‐

being an alcoholic's fun.

And in reality, it's not.

It's definitely gotten me
into trouble before.

I went to jail
because I, um, I was drunk

and had broken out
a bunch of car windows.

I've woken up on
the roofs of bars.

I got Appendicitis
from drinking alcohol.

My liver got so inflamed
it burst my appendix.

The number‐one reason
I want to come

and try ayahuasca is
to beat my alcoholism.

It'd be really nice
to stop drinking,

kind of move on with my life,

try to do something
more productive.

♪♪

Elizabeth: I have past traumas
that I carry around with me

like heavy luggage
that I need to unpack.

For eight years I was addicted
pretty heavily to opiates.

Got to a point where if I
didn't stop what I was doing,

I was gonna die.
That's what that addiction does.

It takes your life from you
piece by piece by piece.

♪♪

I am two‐and‐a‐half years clean,

but just ‐‐ just because the
drugs are out of the system

doesn't mean that that addict
mentality isn't fully gone.

So I had to learn
how to re‐live my life

and ‐‐ and it's still a struggle
to this day.

My intentions for coming here
to Aya Quest

are to deal with a lot
of my past traumas

that I've been holding on to

that causes anxiety
and depression

and just ‐‐ just depletes
your self‐worth.

And I'm ready to rise
above that.

So are you all ready to see

where you're going to spend
the next couple of days?

‐Yes.
‐Yes, ma'am.

Alright, well if you all would
like to grab your things

and follow me.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

In this group we have
Donavan from Tennessee,

Elizabeth from Massachusetts,
and we have Emma from Illinois.

Ever since I was little,
I always felt like

I had two sides to me.

Um, and I'm known
for being, like,

this happy‐go‐lucky person.

And yet, when I go home,

I feel like
I'm going to explode ‐‐

like I'm just empty inside,
and, like, life has no purpose

and there's no ‐‐
there's no‐‐ no reason

for me to wake up
in the mornings.

No matter what I do,

I always have this lingering
depression and anxiety.

And so that's why
I'm taking ayahuasca,

so I can find out
what the root cause is

and open it up finally ‐‐

dissect it ‐‐
and move beyond it.

‐Hello.
‐Hello.

My name is Steve Hupp,
I'm the chief shaman

with Aya Quest
Native Americas Church.

How is everybody doing?

I hope well.

I'm a little nervous,
but I'm excited.

Okay.
Well, I appreciate your courage.

I'm probably
gonna cry a lot

and want someone
to hold my hand a lot.
That's okay.

That's all good.
We're here for you.
Okay. Thank you.

But part of this also,
remember, is we want you

to get through your rough
patches because that's where

the confidence is really
gonna be built for you.

Because at the end of this,

we're not gonna be there
to hold your hand.

Alright.
Now, I know a lot of you
right now are nervous

and a little tense,
and who wouldn't be?

I remember my first cup.

Now, I can tell you
your experience tonight,

especially your first night,
we're not gonna push you

off a cliff ‐‐
I promise you.

We're gonna take it small
and incremental

because I want you
to find your balance

within the medicine tonight.

Teri:
So we will do your first cup.

We're gonna give that
about 20 or 30 minutes

and then we will do
a second cup.

Steve:
Let's say you do pick up a cup
and you go to drink it,

and your throat just closes.

Spit it right back in the cup.

That's your body telling you
right now,

you got everything you need.

Just chill out, re‐approach
20 minutes later,

and 9 times out of 10,
it'll go down just fine.

So what I'm saying to you is
if you're in that sweet spot,

that ain't the time
to try to go higher.

Try to learn everything
you can while you're there.

Oh, man.

Donavan: What's not so nice
is when you drink it.

It's like drinking instant
coffee that somehow got burnt,

and then was left out
in the woods for,

like, three weeks
and a cow shit in it.

Like, it's so bad.
[ Laughs ]

Elizabeth: I've been sitting
in my shit for far too long,

and I feel like ayahuasca
is really going to

blow my mind wide the...
open on this.

Emma: My stomach was just,
like, in knots.

I was like, "I don't know
what to expect."

And I was ‐‐ I was terrified.

I'm like, "What did I get
myself into?"

♪♪

Steve: Ayahuasca's
a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD,
ayahuasca's a portal

to your inner‐self ‐‐
your subconscious.

And through that portal,

you're gonna meet a goddess
we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first
takes off,

you may feel euphoria
until ‐‐ boom!

The spike hits,
and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges are
a physical manifestation

of an emotional release.

That's when you truly
find healing.

♪♪

On the day of the ceremony,

it's not recommended
to drink any alcohol,

but Donavan's alcoholism
runs so deep

he drank a beer that morning.

One beer is gonna take
one hour

for your liver to metabolize it,

so he's not gonna have
any ill effects by having a beer

that morning and drinking
ayahuasca that night.

And I can't have him
sitting there going,

"'...' I wish I had
a beer right now."

I'd rather you drink that beer.

But after noon, I don't want you
to have nothing.

And if I find after noon
that you had that beer,

you're not drinking ayahuasca
that night.

Donavan:
I definitely started noticing it

and definitely being sure
that I was feeling it.

Like, I kinda just
kinda felt calm

and like I was kind of moving
with the music a little bit.

I think I was ‐‐ I was 19 when
I started heavily drinking.

Before that, I hated drinking.

I wanted to do Molly
all the time.

I loved Molly.
I wanted to do Molly,

I wanted to take acid,
I wanted to smoke weed,

I wanted to do your classic
rager/party drugs.

Then, uh, I went to jail
because I was drunk

and had broken out
a bunch of car windows.

And they put me on probation.

And when I was put on probation,
I was getting drug tested.

I couldn't smoke weed anymore,
and that was the main drug

I was doing ‐‐
so I started drinking.

Probation, I‐I like to blame it
for making me an alcoholic,

but it's not totally to blame.

But it definitely played
a huge role

in me becoming an alcoholic
because alcohol's legal.

♪♪

Steve: He was drunk,
he blacked out,

and didn't know
why he was there.

And then when they brought him
his paperwork,

it was vehicular homicide.

♪♪

Elizabeth: I feel great.

I feel it moving through
my belly, though.

Teri: Mm‐hmm.

I think the way it works
with everybody

is completely different.

All you can do
is just roll with it

and let her do
what she's gonna do.

♪♪

Emma: When I put the hood over
my head and started crying,

that was when
it was starting to hit me.

And I was, like, really
tuning in to the music.

And the music was just so
beautiful it just made me cry.

Steve:
Emma made the comment that
she is one that cries a lot,

and she might need somebody
to hold her hand.

But if you're just going
through a painful process,

you need to go through that.

Sometimes you got to put
your big‐girl panties on

and you got
to pull them up tight

and you got to walk it off.

My childhood was really
a fog to me.

I don't quite remember
most of it.

I always say, like, I don't
have a lot of memories.

My parents split
when I was three,

so I was always back and forth
between her and him.

The most explicit memory I have
is being six

and my dad had told me that
he was gonna take me to court

and I needed to choose
between her and him.

He told me that my mom
didn't love me

and, um, I needed to leave her
and that he needed me

and that he was the only one
that could take care of me.

My father was always
very up and down.

I remember going skiing with him
and him crying on the chair lift

saying he couldn't live anymore
and that he was so miserable

and the only thing
that would make him happy

was if I left my mom
to come live with him.

And, um, I would just tell him,
"Why don't you get a dog?

Why don't you get a dog?"

All that would matter was me
choosing him over her.

High school was when
I started drinking

because I couldn't
handle whatever was ‐‐

whatever I was feeling.

I'm hoping that ayahuasca will
help me with my drinking issues

so I don't allow myself
to move past

that point of not
caring anymore.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: With Donavan, we have
arranged a photo collage,

if you will, to be placed
on a wall through a projector.

We're using the LED lights
and colors

to speak directly
to his subconscious mind,

while we're using imagery
to imprint

and discuss certain painful
topics and pleasant topics.

Please, have a seat.

When there was positive scenes
up, switch to green.

When there was secure scenes
up of family, friends,

and groups,
switch to blue.

The reasons is,
is blue is a secure color.

When there was jail scenes up,
I wanted red.

I wanted that to signal
his subconscious,

"You got to stop because
this is where alcohol

is gonna lead this young man

if he doesn't get a grip
on himself right now.

Where do you see you
going in life?

Where do you want to go?
Let's ‐‐ Let's talk that.

Obviously, you don't like

how your life
is progressing thus far

or you wouldn't be
trying to change it.

Is that correct.
I think I've been so...

up all the time I haven't
actually, like, sat down

and actually put some real, good
thought into what I want to do.

Do you drink every day?
Just about, yeah.

It makes me sick in the morning
if I don't drink a beer.

That's physical withdrawals.

Yeah, it is.

You know there's only one way
to quit, right?

Quit.
Quit.

Quit.

That's the only way.
I've been there.

I started drinking when
I was five years old

is when they gave me
my first taste of whiskey.

I didn't get a handle
on my alcoholism

till my first D.U.I.

I would like if you would just
kind of kick back here

and just sit here
for a few minutes,

just watch this imagery
and just relax a little bit.

The reason I chose some of
these images of incarceration,

because if you
keep... up

then that's where
you could end.

You know, I was in prison
with a guy

who woke up
in a jail cell one day

because he was drunk,
he blacked out,

and didn't know
why he was there.

And then when they brought him
his paperwork,

it was vehicular homicide.

Your liver.

Your liver's the second
largest organ in the body

outside of your skin ‐‐

and it's the only
one you got.

You ever see someone
with jaundice, where their liver

ain't functioning
and they're all yellow?

And the other side is,
alcoholism ain't gonna get

any easier for you to tackle.

It's just gonna get harder
the longer

you let it have free hand.

And then you can't do that stuff
that you like,

with the friends
that you want,

and the family
that you could build.

And while you might have thought
about this in many other ways,

in many other places,

you've never done it
while you're under ayahuasca,

and that's why
we're doing this ‐‐

just to give you
some time to think.

'Cause, Donavan,
you're a good guy.

You got a lot going for you.

You got a lot
to offer the world.

When I was working
with Donavan,

the first thing
that came to me is,

"He hasn't really,
seriously grasped

the depths of his addiction."

And that's where I'm not sure.

Is he at a place that
he truly wants to change.

But you know the one thing
that I do know, that I do know

I cannot make any prediction
on a first night and that is,

Mother Aya.

Mother Aya's the wild card
to all of this.

Donavan: Definitely being
upstairs with Steve

really triggered the ayahuasca.

It started getting it going,
it started, uh, helping me

kind of feel the effects.

I started off seeing, um,
my own face.

And it wasn't like looking
in a mirror,

it was like looking at another
person, but i‐it was me.

It was my own face,
and it's so hard

to picture that in ‐‐
in your own head.

I started feeling the effects
a little stronger.

I started feeling, like, all
at once alcohol withdrawal

would hit me ‐‐
I was getting shakes.

And then I purged very hard.

I don't know what it was,
something came out, man.

I think it was good.

I think that was good for me,
for sure,

to ‐‐ to ‐‐ to let all that ‐‐
that bad, just toxic shit out.

Just kinda purge it out.

‐You alright, bro?
‐Y‐Yeah, I'm fine.

[ Laughs ]
...

Elizabeth:
I found my biological father.

He would tell me, "It's natural
for you to want me

the way that I want you."

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: The day after your
first night's ceremony

is an incredibly important day
for the main reason of,

people are processing.

And they're processing
sometimes raw emotions

that are still bubbling up
to the surface.

I feel really good,
very relaxed at the moment.

[ Laughs ]

I already feel Mother Aya's

working through my system
and she has incorporated

a lot of good already,
even with my past.

I already feel more
at peace with it.

Between ages four and seven,
I was sexually abused.

I don't know who.

I just remember distinct things,

being told to keep
something a secret.

Seeing male genitals

and not understanding
what was going on.

Being touched and being told
that ‐‐ that it was our secret.

And around 14, I had started
dabbling in drinking alcohol,

marijuana,

and then it just
graduated to opiates

because of whatever memories
that would flood my mind

I wanted to numb myself from ‐‐
so that's what I did.

I numbed.

When I was 19 years old,
I was told by my mother

that there is a big possibility

that my father was not
possibly biologically mine.

So I reached out and found
my supposed biological father,

and, uh,
he's a pretty awful man.

I remember being really...
up on drugs, and I ‐‐

I blacked out and ‐‐ and when
I came to, he was touching me.

He would tell me, you know,
"These are all feelings

that it's natural for you
to feel sexually toward me.

It's natural for you to, um,

want me the way
that I want you."

And then right after the act
went down, I‐I would throw up.

I‐‐ [ Sighs ]

It was ‐‐ It was awful.

It was awful and confusing,

and ‐‐ and I didn't know
what to make of it.

It made me feel dirty.

It was a disgusting feeling,

and I just wanted
to kill myself.

I‐I was ready and willing
to leave this earth.

Because of all these situations
in my life,

I feel at a very young age
being ‐‐ being touched

equaled being loved
beyond measure.

I would really like to, uh,
change that way of thinking ‐‐

that sex no longer
equals love.

It can be a part of love, and
a beautiful part of it at that,

but it doesn't mean love.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve:
So how are we doing?

Elizabeth: Please go down
and not come right back up.

Oh, you're gonna talk
to it already, huh?
Yes.

[ Laughter ]
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.

That's a good, beautiful way
to start. Beautiful way.

Cups will be coming at you
much faster tonight,

but again, you've got to be
the judge

on whether you drink or not.

This is not a drinking game.

We just make it available
and it's up to you

to how far you feel
you need to go or proceed.

♪♪

We are a spiritual triage.

We only have two to three days
with you,

and we do what no other medical
establishment can do in years.

And that is give you
a brand‐new life,

a brand‐new connection
to the Universe,

and a whole,
brand‐new you.

♪♪

Donavan:
The second night was really
euphoric, um, right off the bat.

The first night felt like
alcohol withdrawals all at once.

The second night
was a lot different.

And that's when I saw, like,
this big, red, fiery eye ‐‐

like a‐a‐a‐a cosmic eyeball.

Um, it was a little freaky.

So I opened my eyes,
um, I was like,

"Hold on. W‐W‐W‐Wait a sec.
I'm ‐‐ I'm, like, I'm ‐‐

I'm about to get burned down
by this eyeball.

And then, uh, it just kind of
dispersed and it was gone,

and I was in
complete nothingness ‐‐

no sound, n‐nothing.

I wasn't even thinking.

It was just, I was present.

It was such a disembodiment,

um, it was like only
my consciousness was in this.

I came out of that feeling
so good.

It just felt ‐‐ it felt great.

It felt like everything had been
lifted off my shoulders.

I would drink to the point
of severe blackouts, like,

would wake up in hospitals

or wake up
not knowing where I was.

♪♪

Steve:
Part of Emma's problem is,

is all she wanted to do
was love and help her daddy.

And all her daddy did
was tell her

how bad of a job she'd done.

Tonight with Emma,

I chose to use the tent
to create a symbolic womb...

Okay, just watch
your step coming up.

...a symbolic safe space

that will be lighted up
with different colors

that give her something
to hold her visuals

while the medicine
and the light show is working

so I can give her
to Mother Aya

in a place that
she'll be more open

and more likely to accept
the subtle messages

that Mother's gonna give her.

What was your life like?

Start as soon as you
can remember.

Um, I don't remember
a lot of my childhood,

but the parts that I do,
a lot of it was, um,

counseling my dad
through his bipolar disorder.

And how old were you
when you were doing this?

Like six years old.
Wow.

So a lot of things
just fell on me to,

you know,
look out for myself,

but also look out to make sure
my parents were happy.

Tell me about your relationship
with your mom.

How was ‐‐ How was that?

It was nonexistent
because I thought ‐‐

I didn't trust her because he
had told me at a young age

that my mom didn't love me

and she would never
take care of me

and that I needed
to leave her.

And he told me that he would,
like, never be happy

unless I would do that.

Well, and unfortunately
for you,

there is a thing called
sexless incest.

And what it is is it's where

you have to fulfill
a role of a friend.

Okay, it doesn't mean
that anything

inappropriate happened
physically.
Yeah.

But what you're describing
to me is,

is you had to help your dad
at six years old deal

with a mental illness.
Yeah.

And he wanted you in his life
to fill the holes

when his other females
wasn't there.

Mm‐hmm.
Exactly.

If you could just take away
anything that your dad

put upon you,
what would it be?

One thing.

Guilt.
Guilt.

I think it's why I feel like
I have no self‐worth.

Because, it's like, "Oh,
you're worthless.

What does it matter?"

You did nothing wrong.
Y‐You know, you were a child.

You had no ‐‐ no idea that you
were being manipulated,

and you did the best you
could given the circumstances.

Could you tell me a little bit
about the drinking ‐‐

when it began?

It fell really out of control
a few years ago.

It became binge drinking,
where ‐‐

where the chances
I could get drunk,

I would drink to the point of,
like, severe blackouts.

Like, would wake up
in hospitals

or wake up not knowing
where I was.

When was the last blackout
that you had?

Like a few weeks ago.

Um... Yeah.

You were self‐medicating
a lot.
Mm‐hmm.

That's when the guilt
was eating you up.

Yeah.
And, you know, here's ‐‐
here's the flip side.

You have to be an incredibly
caring lady

to, at six years old,

know your... up in the head dad
needs some help.

And you tried.
But you know what?

That wasn't your weight
to carry.

You didn't fail him,
he failed you.

As I'm talking to Emma,

I'm recognizing
a strong confidence

coming through her eyes,
through her demeanor.

Yesterday, before ayahuasca,
she had no control emotionally.

She would cry
at a drop of a hat.

And tonight, we touched
every painful topic in her life,

and I've only seen two times
that tears came to her eyes.

That's progress.
That's making peace.

That is stability starting
to interweave

back into her reality.

That's healing.

Emma: The ayahuasca was, like ‐‐
something was just,

like, opening me up

and she was saying,
like, "It's time.

Like, we're gonna do this."

I was looking up at the ceiling

and everything
just started vibrating,

and then suctioning out.

That helped catapult me into
my journey with Mother Aya.

And She said, "You fill yourself
with black energy.

You cannot do that because you
are actually a ball of light.

You are this divine entity."

It was the most nurturing
and loving voice.

And, like, I felt so lucky.

Like, I remember feeling like,
"Oh, my gosh.

I'm so lucky she's treating me
with so much love.

She's treating me
with so much love."

I definitely feel like that
small child in me was healing.

I feel like she was kind of
almost walking away finally.

And she just exited me,
and for the first time

just said,
"We can ‐‐ We can move on now."

[Crying] It wasn't my fault.

It's okay.
... you.

Elizabeth: I knew something
was about to go down.

♪♪

[ Drum beats ]

♪♪

Steve: Elizabeth is gonna be
a tough case

because she comes
from a lot of trauma.

She had a biological father who,

for all intents and purposes,
raped her.

I'm hopeful that Mother Aya
tonight

will really touch her heart

and her mind with pure,
unconditional love.

You get that chair
sitting there by itself.

‐Right there.
‐Right here?

‐Okay.
‐And it's just us.

[Voice breaking ] I just got
really emotional coming in here.

Steve: That's all good.
Teri: That's okay.

It's okay.
[ Laughs ]

That's what we came for

is to crack some
of these emotions.

And to help us heal.
[ Sobbing ]

That's okay.
And just take
you a moment.

Elizabeth:
Mother Aya now is running
through my veins and my system

and, you know, I'm kind of
tripping out in a sense.

And I knew ‐‐

I knew something, like,
legit was about to go down.

It's just how far
I was willing to go with it

was ‐‐ was the question.

You share with me
what you can.
Okay.

But try to go as deep
as you can.

There you go.
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

My mom drops a bomb on me
that my dad, who raised me,

who loved me, may possibly
not be my biological father.

And I was 19
when that happened.

She tells me she knows
who my biological father is,

and that she's been
in contact with him

and that he's not exactly
the nicest man in the world,

but she wanted me
to make my own decision.

So I reached out to him ‐‐

probably the worst...
mistake of my life.

I remember the first night
meeting him,

he was very open
about everything.

And, uh, one comment
he did make was,

"Tell me how big
his penis was",

which I thought
was really... weird.

Right.
I was a little weirded‐out
about that.

And at this point in time,
I'm in my full, like, sexuality,

I started abusing drugs.

He took advantage of me.

He, um ‐‐ I can't even
believe I'm, like,

ad‐admitting
this right now,

but ‐‐ but it's just
part of my story.

It's ‐‐
Yeah.

And I remember
just being,

like, in and out
of consciousness

and he was touching me,
and ‐‐

But I was so... up
on drugs, I didn't...

It's alright.
I remember, like, crying
hysterically in a corner,

asking him not to touch me,
and he'd do it anyway.

Um...

I was really suicidal
after that,

and I wanted out ‐‐
I wanted out of this world.

I was so disgusted with my‐‐
I couldn't look at myself.

I was so disgusted
with myself.

I want to just breathe
for a second.

Take your time.

[Voice breaking]
It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault!
No.

No matter how old
I was, like,

I was still young‐minded
and he just...

And he knew it.
... with me so bad.

And he mind...
you.
Mm‐hmm.

And I‐I still to this day have
not been able to forgive him.

I want to forgive myself,
but I can't.

I'm not there yet.

That's okay.
Like... you

That's okay.

Trust me, I‐I'm proud of you.

Mm‐hmm.
You're a hero in my eyes.

I'm not sure I could have lived
through what you did.

But I want you to also
understand is,

is that was yesterday,

and I know you know it,
but not under ayahuasca,

and right now your
subconscious is wide‐open

and that's why we're doing
what we're doing.

So what are we doing?

Well, what we would like
to do is,

is we've created
this arena of introspection.

It has some TVs and mirrors,

and it's also gonna
show yourself

from a different
perspective.

We're gonna use
the colored light therapy

to work right
with your subconscious.

And I feel you're strong
enough to do this.

She comes from this cauldron
of shit.

This shit soup.

But this is where we got
to go in

and kinda change
the neural pathway

to get around these roadblocks

that she hasn't been able
to overcome on her own.

Also, what's gonna be
happening, Teri and I

will be using conversational
hypnotic techniques

to really seed her mind
with things that will help her

with the challenges
of the days to come.

I want to know, when you look
at yourself, what do you see?

[ Inhales deeply ]

Um...

You know, honestly,
I try not to stare at myself

too much in the mirror.

Okay, can I ask you why
you don't want

to look at yourself
in the mirror?

Probably because of all
the shit that I've dealt with.

And, um, especially
with that situation

with my biological father.

His DNA is running through me ‐‐
we do look similar,

and you don't need
to look at that sometimes.

You're
a beautiful woman.

You're an intelligent
woman.

You are kind and loving.
[ Sobbing ]

Do any of those match
your dad?

No.

Steve: And let me tell you
what you ain't.

You're not a slut.

[ Sobs ]

You're not
a piece of shit.

You're not a pile of trash
to be used and thrown away.

And you are not the first person
to fall prey to a predator

using everything
within his means,

including
his genetic makeup,

to get what
his instinct desired.

And you're not a victim...

...not today
and not tomorrow.

Mother Aya doesn't
come to victims.

No, she comes
to warriors.

To warriors, exactly.

[ Sniffles ]

I will hear his voice
for the rest of my life.

You are not a slut, you are not,
you are not, you are not.

And I will tell you right now,
for him to step in and say,

"You are beautiful,
you are loved,

you are vindicated,
you are free."

I literally, like, felt the
chains just break on my soul.

♪♪

♪♪

Ahh.

Leaving Aya Quest, I feel like
I purged myself of the emotions

I no longer need
to hold on to.

I feel connected to others,

I feel my heart is open,
and I feel cleansed.

Hey, how you doing?

It's so hard to explain how
clear your head is, it's just ‐‐

it's, like, I wish there
was a better word for it.

Everyone told me my eyes
were clear.

Like, they kept saying,
"You got really clear eyes."

I don't even know
what that means really,

but I can feel what they
mean because I feel clearer.

I just ‐‐ I didn't want a beer.

I didn't need a beer.

It's something I'm not used to,

and I can't express the amount
of gratitude I have.

Elizabeth:
The biggest lesson that I have
learned from Steve and Teri

is...[Sighs] to honor yourself,
um, in many ways, good and bad.

I got to have a hug
after last night.

Come here! Mmm.

That pain you carry around,
you don't ‐‐

you don't need to live there.

You are the master
of your universe.

You paint your picture.

You create it.

Being able to go through my
story in a whole with you two.

You taking it all in,
and me just as is,

good, bad, ugly ‐‐
didn't matter.

And then in turn, being able
to take myself in

good, bad, ugly ‐‐
doesn't matter...

‐Right.
‐Mm‐hmm.

...was the best gift
that I could have been given.

[ Laughs ]

And your bravery, if I had the
congressional medal of honor,

I would give it to you
right now.

I have yet to see anybody
who has honestly

stepped into the muck of what
their past thrust upon them,

and you swam
to the other side.

No matter how you got there,
you got to the other side

through that level of shit
and things that were done to you

by people who were
in control of you.

And any time you ever doubt
yourself,

you remember just
how brave you really are.

[ Cries and sniffles ]

It was very important to tell
Elizabeth how brave she was.

And this wasn't no bullshit,
I wasn't making this up.

This lady has some raw courage.

She chose that, "Okay, it's
my past. I'm gonna own it,

I'm gonna work with it,
but guess what?

It ain't gonna own me."

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbling ]

Well, I want to thank each
and every one of you

for coming ‐‐ for experiencing
Mother Aya in your own way.

I would like you all to remember
to make yourself

the number‐one priority
at all times.

You cannot help a single
human being

unless you can
take care of yourself,

and that is something I want you

to keep in the back
of your mind at all times.

That is my best advice
to all of you.

Donavan:
Ayahuasca is not a cure‐all,

but if I really work
with the, uh, experience,

I‐I could have a happy life

without having to drown
myself in alcohol.

It feels amazing.

I've never really felt
like this before.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Doing ayahuasca was 100%
worth it for me.

When I came here, I felt guilt,

and a lot of self‐defeat
and lack of love for myself.

And now I feel like
I've accepted these emotions,

and I've purged myself
of the emotions

I no longer need
to hold on to.

And it was just totally healing.

Elizabeth: I feel like I hit
the... lottery.

Ayahuasca was the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

The best thing that has
ever happened to me.

I have forgiven myself.

I don't need to sit in the guilt
or shame anymore.

So now, it's like I'm free.

The chains are broken,
my pieces have been restored.

I found the... key.

I let myself out of jail.

Steve: I cannot put into words
how blessed I am,

and how fulfilled I am
to be able to fulfill

this very honorable role
of a shaman.

I have seen everybody who
has touched ayahuasca

be touched back
by Mother Aya.

She told me she would have
my back no matter what,

and that she would protect me
and mine through thick and thin.

And I'm gonna tell you what.

In 18 years, she has never
let me down one... time.

She has whipped my ass,
she's brought me to my knees,

and she has lifted me
to my feet ‐‐

but not once
has she abandoned me.

I love her.

♪♪

♪♪

Donavan: Now I don't have
a drinking problem.

I just don't drink.
But on top of that,

everything else
is more positive.

I've been living a more
positive life.

Just ‐‐ I just feel happier.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

It's really amazing, the change
that I have seen in myself

and that others
have also seen in me.

I am so grateful, uh, even
through pain and strife,

to still be able to
come out on top.