Original subtitles

I want to know, when you look at yourself, what do you see?

Honestly, I try not to stare at myself too much in the mirror.

Steve: You're not a slut. [ Sobs ]

You're not a piece of shit.

And you are not the first person to fall prey to a predator.

Steve: I've been a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber and a prisoner,

but being a shaman is my calling.

Ayahuasca is a schedule‐I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,

but it's not a drug, it's medicine,

and in my church, it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy may take years to do,

but only if you are willing to step in to the pain.

♪♪

I started working with people as a medicine person

and as a shaman approximately 15, 16 years ago.

At the time, I was recently released from prison.

I applied everything that I'd ever learned

while I was a criminal to doing ceremonies underground.

If I worked with somebody,

it would be in a different location each time.

And each location would only be used once.

And I made sure my footprint in that location

was incredibly minimal.

Here's this class‐I scheduled substance

that the government looks at the same as meth,

opiates, heroin ‐‐

and it's healing people right in front of me.

There was many times I was wondering what in the...

am I getting into.

I am not only distributing a class‐I substance,

I'm manufacturing a class‐I substance.

If they bust me doing this,

I'm going to prison for the rest of my life.

But you know what?

Every time, Mother was there just nudging me ‐‐

"Come on, dude. You can do this."

I go to the spirits, and they're like, "We got your back.

We need you to trust us.

We need your skill set to bring Mother out of the jungle.

And then, in 2013, gay marriage was starting to become legal

in a handful of states.

And Southern Baptist ministers were scared

that gay couples were gonna come to Kentucky

and force them to marry them.

‐Homosexuals... ‐Kentucky enacted

the Religious Freedom Restoration act.

This act states that the government

shall not substantially burden a person's freedom of religion.

Essentially, however people worshipped in their church

was off‐limits to the government.

I recognized quickly, that in this act

there was a loophole that I could go legit.

I went to the local authorities,

I filed my paperwork that I was starting a church ‐‐

of course I didn't mention ayahuasca.

It was just a Native American church

where we were gonna offer spiritual ceremonies.

And that's when we stepped out, planted our flag.

I am here, and I'm giving the most powerful psychedelic

known to man to some of the most unstable people.

And guess what?

We're healing 'em every step of the way.

♪♪

Donavan: When I wake up in the mornings, I always have at least one beer

just because I‐I feel sick if I don't.

♪♪

I'm an alcoholic, for sure.

On average, what I drink a day, after work it's about a 6‐pack.

On a day off work, probably a 12‐pack.

If not, a 24‐pack sometimes.

This morning.

Now I'm pretending being an alcoholic's great ‐‐

being an alcoholic's fun.

And in reality, it's not.

It's definitely gotten me into trouble before.

I went to jail because I, um, I was drunk

and had broken out a bunch of car windows.

I've woken up on the roofs of bars.

I got Appendicitis from drinking alcohol.

My liver got so inflamed it burst my appendix.

The number‐one reason I want to come

and try ayahuasca is to beat my alcoholism.

It'd be really nice to stop drinking,

kind of move on with my life,

try to do something more productive.

♪♪

Elizabeth: I have past traumas that I carry around with me

like heavy luggage that I need to unpack.

For eight years I was addicted pretty heavily to opiates.

Got to a point where if I didn't stop what I was doing,

I was gonna die. That's what that addiction does.

It takes your life from you piece by piece by piece.

♪♪

I am two‐and‐a‐half years clean,

but just ‐‐ just because the drugs are out of the system

doesn't mean that that addict mentality isn't fully gone.

So I had to learn how to re‐live my life

and ‐‐ and it's still a struggle to this day.

My intentions for coming here to Aya Quest

are to deal with a lot of my past traumas

that I've been holding on to

that causes anxiety and depression

and just ‐‐ just depletes your self‐worth.

And I'm ready to rise above that.

So are you all ready to see

where you're going to spend the next couple of days?

‐Yes. ‐Yes, ma'am.

Alright, well if you all would like to grab your things

and follow me.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

In this group we have Donavan from Tennessee,

Elizabeth from Massachusetts, and we have Emma from Illinois.

Ever since I was little, I always felt like

I had two sides to me.

Um, and I'm known for being, like,

this happy‐go‐lucky person.

And yet, when I go home,

I feel like I'm going to explode ‐‐

like I'm just empty inside, and, like, life has no purpose

and there's no ‐‐ there's no‐‐ no reason

for me to wake up in the mornings.

No matter what I do,

I always have this lingering depression and anxiety.

And so that's why I'm taking ayahuasca,

so I can find out what the root cause is

and open it up finally ‐‐

dissect it ‐‐ and move beyond it.

‐Hello. ‐Hello.

My name is Steve Hupp, I'm the chief shaman

with Aya Quest Native Americas Church.

How is everybody doing?

I hope well.

I'm a little nervous, but I'm excited.

Okay. Well, I appreciate your courage.

I'm probably gonna cry a lot

and want someone to hold my hand a lot. That's okay.

That's all good. We're here for you. Okay. Thank you.

But part of this also, remember, is we want you

to get through your rough patches because that's where

the confidence is really gonna be built for you.

Because at the end of this,

we're not gonna be there to hold your hand.

Alright. Now, I know a lot of you right now are nervous

and a little tense, and who wouldn't be?

I remember my first cup.

Now, I can tell you your experience tonight,

especially your first night, we're not gonna push you

off a cliff ‐‐ I promise you.

We're gonna take it small and incremental

because I want you to find your balance

within the medicine tonight.

Teri: So we will do your first cup.

We're gonna give that about 20 or 30 minutes

and then we will do a second cup.

Steve: Let's say you do pick up a cup and you go to drink it,

and your throat just closes.

Spit it right back in the cup.

That's your body telling you right now,

you got everything you need.

Just chill out, re‐approach 20 minutes later,

and 9 times out of 10, it'll go down just fine.

So what I'm saying to you is if you're in that sweet spot,

that ain't the time to try to go higher.

Try to learn everything you can while you're there.

Oh, man.

Donavan: What's not so nice is when you drink it.

It's like drinking instant coffee that somehow got burnt,

and then was left out in the woods for,

like, three weeks and a cow shit in it.

Like, it's so bad. [ Laughs ]

Elizabeth: I've been sitting in my shit for far too long,

and I feel like ayahuasca is really going to

blow my mind wide the... open on this.

Emma: My stomach was just, like, in knots.

I was like, "I don't know what to expect."

And I was ‐‐ I was terrified.

I'm like, "What did I get myself into?"

♪♪

Steve: Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD, ayahuasca's a portal

to your inner‐self ‐‐ your subconscious.

And through that portal,

you're gonna meet a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first takes off,

you may feel euphoria until ‐‐ boom!

The spike hits, and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges are a physical manifestation

of an emotional release.

That's when you truly find healing.

♪♪

On the day of the ceremony,

it's not recommended to drink any alcohol,

but Donavan's alcoholism runs so deep

he drank a beer that morning.

One beer is gonna take one hour

for your liver to metabolize it,

so he's not gonna have any ill effects by having a beer

that morning and drinking ayahuasca that night.

And I can't have him sitting there going,

"'...' I wish I had a beer right now."

I'd rather you drink that beer.

But after noon, I don't want you to have nothing.

And if I find after noon that you had that beer,

you're not drinking ayahuasca that night.

Donavan: I definitely started noticing it

and definitely being sure that I was feeling it.

Like, I kinda just kinda felt calm

and like I was kind of moving with the music a little bit.

I think I was ‐‐ I was 19 when I started heavily drinking.

Before that, I hated drinking.

I wanted to do Molly all the time.

I loved Molly. I wanted to do Molly,

I wanted to take acid, I wanted to smoke weed,

I wanted to do your classic rager/party drugs.

Then, uh, I went to jail because I was drunk

and had broken out a bunch of car windows.

And they put me on probation.

And when I was put on probation, I was getting drug tested.

I couldn't smoke weed anymore, and that was the main drug

I was doing ‐‐ so I started drinking.

Probation, I‐I like to blame it for making me an alcoholic,

but it's not totally to blame.

But it definitely played a huge role

in me becoming an alcoholic because alcohol's legal.

♪♪

Steve: He was drunk, he blacked out,

and didn't know why he was there.

And then when they brought him his paperwork,

it was vehicular homicide.

♪♪

Elizabeth: I feel great.

I feel it moving through my belly, though.

Teri: Mm‐hmm.

I think the way it works with everybody

is completely different.

All you can do is just roll with it

and let her do what she's gonna do.

♪♪

Emma: When I put the hood over my head and started crying,

that was when it was starting to hit me.

And I was, like, really tuning in to the music.

And the music was just so beautiful it just made me cry.

Steve: Emma made the comment that she is one that cries a lot,

and she might need somebody to hold her hand.

But if you're just going through a painful process,

you need to go through that.

Sometimes you got to put your big‐girl panties on

and you got to pull them up tight

and you got to walk it off.

My childhood was really a fog to me.

I don't quite remember most of it.

I always say, like, I don't have a lot of memories.

My parents split when I was three,

so I was always back and forth between her and him.

The most explicit memory I have is being six

and my dad had told me that he was gonna take me to court

and I needed to choose between her and him.

He told me that my mom didn't love me

and, um, I needed to leave her and that he needed me

and that he was the only one that could take care of me.

My father was always very up and down.

I remember going skiing with him and him crying on the chair lift

saying he couldn't live anymore and that he was so miserable

and the only thing that would make him happy

was if I left my mom to come live with him.

And, um, I would just tell him, "Why don't you get a dog?

Why don't you get a dog?"

All that would matter was me choosing him over her.

High school was when I started drinking

because I couldn't handle whatever was ‐‐

whatever I was feeling.

I'm hoping that ayahuasca will help me with my drinking issues

so I don't allow myself to move past

that point of not caring anymore.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: With Donavan, we have arranged a photo collage,

if you will, to be placed on a wall through a projector.

We're using the LED lights and colors

to speak directly to his subconscious mind,

while we're using imagery to imprint

and discuss certain painful topics and pleasant topics.

Please, have a seat.

When there was positive scenes up, switch to green.

When there was secure scenes up of family, friends,

and groups, switch to blue.

The reasons is, is blue is a secure color.

When there was jail scenes up, I wanted red.

I wanted that to signal his subconscious,

"You got to stop because this is where alcohol

is gonna lead this young man

if he doesn't get a grip on himself right now.

Where do you see you going in life?

Where do you want to go? Let's ‐‐ Let's talk that.

Obviously, you don't like

how your life is progressing thus far

or you wouldn't be trying to change it.

Is that correct. I think I've been so...

up all the time I haven't actually, like, sat down

and actually put some real, good thought into what I want to do.

Do you drink every day? Just about, yeah.

It makes me sick in the morning if I don't drink a beer.

That's physical withdrawals.

Yeah, it is.

You know there's only one way to quit, right?

Quit. Quit.

Quit.

That's the only way. I've been there.

I started drinking when I was five years old

is when they gave me my first taste of whiskey.

I didn't get a handle on my alcoholism

till my first D.U.I.

I would like if you would just kind of kick back here

and just sit here for a few minutes,

just watch this imagery and just relax a little bit.

The reason I chose some of these images of incarceration,

because if you keep... up

then that's where you could end.

You know, I was in prison with a guy

who woke up in a jail cell one day

because he was drunk, he blacked out,

and didn't know why he was there.

And then when they brought him his paperwork,

it was vehicular homicide.

Your liver.

Your liver's the second largest organ in the body

outside of your skin ‐‐

and it's the only one you got.

You ever see someone with jaundice, where their liver

ain't functioning and they're all yellow?

And the other side is, alcoholism ain't gonna get

any easier for you to tackle.

It's just gonna get harder the longer

you let it have free hand.

And then you can't do that stuff that you like,

with the friends that you want,

and the family that you could build.

And while you might have thought about this in many other ways,

in many other places,

you've never done it while you're under ayahuasca,

and that's why we're doing this ‐‐

just to give you some time to think.

'Cause, Donavan, you're a good guy.

You got a lot going for you.

You got a lot to offer the world.

When I was working with Donavan,

the first thing that came to me is,

"He hasn't really, seriously grasped

the depths of his addiction."

And that's where I'm not sure.

Is he at a place that he truly wants to change.

But you know the one thing that I do know, that I do know

I cannot make any prediction on a first night and that is,

Mother Aya.

Mother Aya's the wild card to all of this.

Donavan: Definitely being upstairs with Steve

really triggered the ayahuasca.

It started getting it going, it started, uh, helping me

kind of feel the effects.

I started off seeing, um, my own face.

And it wasn't like looking in a mirror,

it was like looking at another person, but i‐it was me.

It was my own face, and it's so hard

to picture that in ‐‐ in your own head.

I started feeling the effects a little stronger.

I started feeling, like, all at once alcohol withdrawal

would hit me ‐‐ I was getting shakes.

And then I purged very hard.

I don't know what it was, something came out, man.

I think it was good.

I think that was good for me, for sure,

to ‐‐ to ‐‐ to let all that ‐‐ that bad, just toxic shit out.

Just kinda purge it out.

‐You alright, bro? ‐Y‐Yeah, I'm fine.

[ Laughs ] ...

Elizabeth: I found my biological father.

He would tell me, "It's natural for you to want me

the way that I want you."

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: The day after your first night's ceremony

is an incredibly important day for the main reason of,

people are processing.

And they're processing sometimes raw emotions

that are still bubbling up to the surface.

I feel really good, very relaxed at the moment.

[ Laughs ]

I already feel Mother Aya's

working through my system and she has incorporated

a lot of good already, even with my past.

I already feel more at peace with it.

Between ages four and seven, I was sexually abused.

I don't know who.

I just remember distinct things,

being told to keep something a secret.

Seeing male genitals

and not understanding what was going on.

Being touched and being told that ‐‐ that it was our secret.

And around 14, I had started dabbling in drinking alcohol,

marijuana,

and then it just graduated to opiates

because of whatever memories that would flood my mind

I wanted to numb myself from ‐‐ so that's what I did.

I numbed.

When I was 19 years old, I was told by my mother

that there is a big possibility

that my father was not possibly biologically mine.

So I reached out and found my supposed biological father,

and, uh, he's a pretty awful man.

I remember being really... up on drugs, and I ‐‐

I blacked out and ‐‐ and when I came to, he was touching me.

He would tell me, you know, "These are all feelings

that it's natural for you to feel sexually toward me.

It's natural for you to, um,

want me the way that I want you."

And then right after the act went down, I‐I would throw up.

I‐‐ [ Sighs ]

It was ‐‐ It was awful.

It was awful and confusing,

and ‐‐ and I didn't know what to make of it.

It made me feel dirty.

It was a disgusting feeling,

and I just wanted to kill myself.

I‐I was ready and willing to leave this earth.

Because of all these situations in my life,

I feel at a very young age being ‐‐ being touched

equaled being loved beyond measure.

I would really like to, uh, change that way of thinking ‐‐

that sex no longer equals love.

It can be a part of love, and a beautiful part of it at that,

but it doesn't mean love.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: So how are we doing?

Elizabeth: Please go down and not come right back up.

Oh, you're gonna talk to it already, huh? Yes.

[ Laughter ] I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

That's a good, beautiful way to start. Beautiful way.

Cups will be coming at you much faster tonight,

but again, you've got to be the judge

on whether you drink or not.

This is not a drinking game.

We just make it available and it's up to you

to how far you feel you need to go or proceed.

♪♪

We are a spiritual triage.

We only have two to three days with you,

and we do what no other medical establishment can do in years.

And that is give you a brand‐new life,

a brand‐new connection to the Universe,

and a whole, brand‐new you.

♪♪

Donavan: The second night was really euphoric, um, right off the bat.

The first night felt like alcohol withdrawals all at once.

The second night was a lot different.

And that's when I saw, like, this big, red, fiery eye ‐‐

like a‐a‐a‐a cosmic eyeball.

Um, it was a little freaky.

So I opened my eyes, um, I was like,

"Hold on. W‐W‐W‐Wait a sec. I'm ‐‐ I'm, like, I'm ‐‐

I'm about to get burned down by this eyeball.

And then, uh, it just kind of dispersed and it was gone,

and I was in complete nothingness ‐‐

no sound, n‐nothing.

I wasn't even thinking.

It was just, I was present.

It was such a disembodiment,

um, it was like only my consciousness was in this.

I came out of that feeling so good.

It just felt ‐‐ it felt great.

It felt like everything had been lifted off my shoulders.

I would drink to the point of severe blackouts, like,

would wake up in hospitals

or wake up not knowing where I was.

♪♪

Steve: Part of Emma's problem is,

is all she wanted to do was love and help her daddy.

And all her daddy did was tell her

how bad of a job she'd done.

Tonight with Emma,

I chose to use the tent to create a symbolic womb...

Okay, just watch your step coming up.

...a symbolic safe space

that will be lighted up with different colors

that give her something to hold her visuals

while the medicine and the light show is working

so I can give her to Mother Aya

in a place that she'll be more open

and more likely to accept the subtle messages

that Mother's gonna give her.

What was your life like?

Start as soon as you can remember.

Um, I don't remember a lot of my childhood,

but the parts that I do, a lot of it was, um,

counseling my dad through his bipolar disorder.

And how old were you when you were doing this?

Like six years old. Wow.

So a lot of things just fell on me to,

you know, look out for myself,

but also look out to make sure my parents were happy.

Tell me about your relationship with your mom.

How was ‐‐ How was that?

It was nonexistent because I thought ‐‐

I didn't trust her because he had told me at a young age

that my mom didn't love me

and she would never take care of me

and that I needed to leave her.

And he told me that he would, like, never be happy

unless I would do that.

Well, and unfortunately for you,

there is a thing called sexless incest.

And what it is is it's where

you have to fulfill a role of a friend.

Okay, it doesn't mean that anything

inappropriate happened physically. Yeah.

But what you're describing to me is,

is you had to help your dad at six years old deal

with a mental illness. Yeah.

And he wanted you in his life to fill the holes

when his other females wasn't there.

Mm‐hmm. Exactly.

If you could just take away anything that your dad

put upon you, what would it be?

One thing.

Guilt. Guilt.

I think it's why I feel like I have no self‐worth.

Because, it's like, "Oh, you're worthless.

What does it matter?"

You did nothing wrong. Y‐You know, you were a child.

You had no ‐‐ no idea that you were being manipulated,

and you did the best you could given the circumstances.

Could you tell me a little bit about the drinking ‐‐

when it began?

It fell really out of control a few years ago.

It became binge drinking, where ‐‐

where the chances I could get drunk,

I would drink to the point of, like, severe blackouts.

Like, would wake up in hospitals

or wake up not knowing where I was.

When was the last blackout that you had?

Like a few weeks ago.

Um... Yeah.

You were self‐medicating a lot. Mm‐hmm.

That's when the guilt was eating you up.

Yeah. And, you know, here's ‐‐ here's the flip side.

You have to be an incredibly caring lady

to, at six years old,

know your... up in the head dad needs some help.

And you tried. But you know what?

That wasn't your weight to carry.

You didn't fail him, he failed you.

As I'm talking to Emma,

I'm recognizing a strong confidence

coming through her eyes, through her demeanor.

Yesterday, before ayahuasca, she had no control emotionally.

She would cry at a drop of a hat.

And tonight, we touched every painful topic in her life,

and I've only seen two times that tears came to her eyes.

That's progress. That's making peace.

That is stability starting to interweave

back into her reality.

That's healing.

Emma: The ayahuasca was, like ‐‐ something was just,

like, opening me up

and she was saying, like, "It's time.

Like, we're gonna do this."

I was looking up at the ceiling

and everything just started vibrating,

and then suctioning out.

That helped catapult me into my journey with Mother Aya.

And She said, "You fill yourself with black energy.

You cannot do that because you are actually a ball of light.

You are this divine entity."

It was the most nurturing and loving voice.

And, like, I felt so lucky.

Like, I remember feeling like, "Oh, my gosh.

I'm so lucky she's treating me with so much love.

She's treating me with so much love."

I definitely feel like that small child in me was healing.

I feel like she was kind of almost walking away finally.

And she just exited me, and for the first time

just said, "We can ‐‐ We can move on now."

[Crying] It wasn't my fault.

It's okay. ... you.

Elizabeth: I knew something was about to go down.

♪♪

[ Drum beats ]

♪♪

Steve: Elizabeth is gonna be a tough case

because she comes from a lot of trauma.

She had a biological father who,

for all intents and purposes, raped her.

I'm hopeful that Mother Aya tonight

will really touch her heart

and her mind with pure, unconditional love.

You get that chair sitting there by itself.

‐Right there. ‐Right here?

‐Okay. ‐And it's just us.

[Voice breaking ] I just got really emotional coming in here.

Steve: That's all good. Teri: That's okay.

It's okay. [ Laughs ]

That's what we came for

is to crack some of these emotions.

And to help us heal. [ Sobbing ]

That's okay. And just take you a moment.

Elizabeth: Mother Aya now is running through my veins and my system

and, you know, I'm kind of tripping out in a sense.

And I knew ‐‐

I knew something, like, legit was about to go down.

It's just how far I was willing to go with it

was ‐‐ was the question.

You share with me what you can. Okay.

But try to go as deep as you can.

There you go. [ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

My mom drops a bomb on me that my dad, who raised me,

who loved me, may possibly not be my biological father.

And I was 19 when that happened.

She tells me she knows who my biological father is,

and that she's been in contact with him

and that he's not exactly the nicest man in the world,

but she wanted me to make my own decision.

So I reached out to him ‐‐

probably the worst... mistake of my life.

I remember the first night meeting him,

he was very open about everything.

And, uh, one comment he did make was,

"Tell me how big his penis was",

which I thought was really... weird.

Right. I was a little weirded‐out about that.

And at this point in time, I'm in my full, like, sexuality,

I started abusing drugs.

He took advantage of me.

He, um ‐‐ I can't even believe I'm, like,

ad‐admitting this right now,

but ‐‐ but it's just part of my story.

It's ‐‐ Yeah.

And I remember just being,

like, in and out of consciousness

and he was touching me, and ‐‐

But I was so... up on drugs, I didn't...

It's alright. I remember, like, crying hysterically in a corner,

asking him not to touch me, and he'd do it anyway.

Um...

I was really suicidal after that,

and I wanted out ‐‐ I wanted out of this world.

I was so disgusted with my‐‐ I couldn't look at myself.

I was so disgusted with myself.

I want to just breathe for a second.

Take your time.

[Voice breaking] It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault! No.

No matter how old I was, like,

I was still young‐minded and he just...

And he knew it. ... with me so bad.

And he mind... you. Mm‐hmm.

And I‐I still to this day have not been able to forgive him.

I want to forgive myself, but I can't.

I'm not there yet.

That's okay. Like... you

That's okay.

Trust me, I‐I'm proud of you.

Mm‐hmm. You're a hero in my eyes.

I'm not sure I could have lived through what you did.

But I want you to also understand is,

is that was yesterday,

and I know you know it, but not under ayahuasca,

and right now your subconscious is wide‐open

and that's why we're doing what we're doing.

So what are we doing?

Well, what we would like to do is,

is we've created this arena of introspection.

It has some TVs and mirrors,

and it's also gonna show yourself

from a different perspective.

We're gonna use the colored light therapy

to work right with your subconscious.

And I feel you're strong enough to do this.

She comes from this cauldron of shit.

This shit soup.

But this is where we got to go in

and kinda change the neural pathway

to get around these roadblocks

that she hasn't been able to overcome on her own.

Also, what's gonna be happening, Teri and I

will be using conversational hypnotic techniques

to really seed her mind with things that will help her

with the challenges of the days to come.

I want to know, when you look at yourself, what do you see?

[ Inhales deeply ]

Um...

You know, honestly, I try not to stare at myself

too much in the mirror.

Okay, can I ask you why you don't want

to look at yourself in the mirror?

Probably because of all the shit that I've dealt with.

And, um, especially with that situation

with my biological father.

His DNA is running through me ‐‐ we do look similar,

and you don't need to look at that sometimes.

You're a beautiful woman.

You're an intelligent woman.

You are kind and loving. [ Sobbing ]

Do any of those match your dad?

No.

Steve: And let me tell you what you ain't.

You're not a slut.

[ Sobs ]

You're not a piece of shit.

You're not a pile of trash to be used and thrown away.

And you are not the first person to fall prey to a predator

using everything within his means,

including his genetic makeup,

to get what his instinct desired.

And you're not a victim...

...not today and not tomorrow.

Mother Aya doesn't come to victims.

No, she comes to warriors.

To warriors, exactly.

[ Sniffles ]

I will hear his voice for the rest of my life.

You are not a slut, you are not, you are not, you are not.

And I will tell you right now, for him to step in and say,

"You are beautiful, you are loved,

you are vindicated, you are free."

I literally, like, felt the chains just break on my soul.

♪♪

♪♪

Ahh.

Leaving Aya Quest, I feel like I purged myself of the emotions

I no longer need to hold on to.

I feel connected to others,

I feel my heart is open, and I feel cleansed.

Hey, how you doing?

It's so hard to explain how clear your head is, it's just ‐‐

it's, like, I wish there was a better word for it.

Everyone told me my eyes were clear.

Like, they kept saying, "You got really clear eyes."

I don't even know what that means really,

but I can feel what they mean because I feel clearer.

I just ‐‐ I didn't want a beer.

I didn't need a beer.

It's something I'm not used to,

and I can't express the amount of gratitude I have.

Elizabeth: The biggest lesson that I have learned from Steve and Teri

is...[Sighs] to honor yourself, um, in many ways, good and bad.

I got to have a hug after last night.

Come here! Mmm.

That pain you carry around, you don't ‐‐

you don't need to live there.

You are the master of your universe.

You paint your picture.

You create it.

Being able to go through my story in a whole with you two.

You taking it all in, and me just as is,

good, bad, ugly ‐‐ didn't matter.

And then in turn, being able to take myself in

good, bad, ugly ‐‐ doesn't matter...

‐Right. ‐Mm‐hmm.

...was the best gift that I could have been given.

[ Laughs ]

And your bravery, if I had the congressional medal of honor,

I would give it to you right now.

I have yet to see anybody who has honestly

stepped into the muck of what their past thrust upon them,

and you swam to the other side.

No matter how you got there, you got to the other side

through that level of shit and things that were done to you

by people who were in control of you.

And any time you ever doubt yourself,

you remember just how brave you really are.

[ Cries and sniffles ]

It was very important to tell Elizabeth how brave she was.

And this wasn't no bullshit, I wasn't making this up.

This lady has some raw courage.

She chose that, "Okay, it's my past. I'm gonna own it,

I'm gonna work with it, but guess what?

It ain't gonna own me."

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbling ]

Well, I want to thank each and every one of you

for coming ‐‐ for experiencing Mother Aya in your own way.

I would like you all to remember to make yourself

the number‐one priority at all times.

You cannot help a single human being

unless you can take care of yourself,

and that is something I want you

to keep in the back of your mind at all times.

That is my best advice to all of you.

Donavan: Ayahuasca is not a cure‐all,

but if I really work with the, uh, experience,

I‐I could have a happy life

without having to drown myself in alcohol.

It feels amazing.

I've never really felt like this before.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Doing ayahuasca was 100% worth it for me.

When I came here, I felt guilt,

and a lot of self‐defeat and lack of love for myself.

And now I feel like I've accepted these emotions,

and I've purged myself of the emotions

I no longer need to hold on to.

And it was just totally healing.

Elizabeth: I feel like I hit the... lottery.

Ayahuasca was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

The best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have forgiven myself.

I don't need to sit in the guilt or shame anymore.

So now, it's like I'm free.

The chains are broken, my pieces have been restored.

I found the... key.

I let myself out of jail.

Steve: I cannot put into words how blessed I am,

and how fulfilled I am to be able to fulfill

this very honorable role of a shaman.

I have seen everybody who has touched ayahuasca

be touched back by Mother Aya.

She told me she would have my back no matter what,

and that she would protect me and mine through thick and thin.

And I'm gonna tell you what.

In 18 years, she has never let me down one... time.

She has whipped my ass, she's brought me to my knees,

and she has lifted me to my feet ‐‐

but not once has she abandoned me.

I love her.

♪♪

♪♪

Donavan: Now I don't have a drinking problem.

I just don't drink. But on top of that,

everything else is more positive.

I've been living a more positive life.

Just ‐‐ I just feel happier.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

It's really amazing, the change that I have seen in myself

and that others have also seen in me.

I am so grateful, uh, even through pain and strife,

to still be able to come out on top.