Original subtitles

Chapter 10: Connor's money could solve a lot of problems.

Unfortunately, it couldn't guarantee him success in love.

He'd recently been dumped,

but thankfully he had a foolproof plan

for finding his next girlfriend.

Lupe, could you grab that box marked "cool hats"?

The one with the... the fedoras and the fuzzy visors,

and all the other cool hats?

Look, my mistake with Lindsay

was that I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not.

So I'm going back to the place

where I've always had my best romantic success, the club.

Noice!

Ooh, which club?

Noice. That's the name of the club.

- Wait, what? - No, Wait What is a club

on the east side.

Tom, do you want to come? I need a wingman.

Tom... Sorry.

- Me, Tom? - I need another guy by my side,

and you are my number-one guy.

I'll go. I need a night out.

I'm in this ongoing fight with another room mom

- from Camila's class. - Kirsten again?

- Uh, yeah. I've mentioned her before? - A lot.

- She comes up quite a bit. - Yeah.

Cool, well, Lupe can babysit

she's been hounding me for extra hours.

Can Sarah and I get in on this?

- Hmm? - When was the last time

- we went out without the kids? - We went out, like, two nights ago.

You mean when we went to CVS for lightbulbs?

It's after sunset, so...

I don't know about a club. I mean, it's always so loud.

There's nowhere to sit. I get headaches.

And I have, like, a back thing.

Tom, we're gonna be rollin' VIP the whole way.

Okay? I'm talking black car, bottle service,

ample seating with lumbar support.

Oh, yeah, well, I mean everyone's going.

Wow, Tom, he got you on lumbar support.

Dope. I wanted a wingman, I got a whole flight crew.

Why don't you guys, uh, drop off the kids tonight,

and we'll head to the spot around 9:00?

- 9 o'clock? - P.M.?

You're right. That's way too early.

- 10:00. - Noice!

Bam!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

God, I can't believe I agreed to this.

I mean, you know I hate clubs.

Just wear what you have on, Tom.

The Kirsten drama continues, I see.

You know what she wants to get Camila's teacher?

- A succulent. - Oh, no.

Why don't you just give him cash?

He doesn't run a butcher shop in New Jersey, Tom.

We don't slip teachers envelopes of money.

We slip them gift cards.

Then why don't you just give him a gift card?

I would, but when Kirsten says,

"Gift cards are so impersonal, Marina,"

ooh, we really know what she's really saying, right?

- [laughing] Right. Ugh. - [sighs]

But, uh, why don't you just go ahead and tell me?

That's she not just a better "room parent,"

- she's a better parent parent. - Ah...

I put so much effort into this,

and all Kirsten does is criticize and undermine me.

It's fine, okay? You don't have to care.

I do care. It's just that, you know, I think a plant is a nice gift.

Well, it isn't.

Come on, I've gotten you tons of plants.

As a joke because they're terrible, of course.

Yeah, bleh.

Sleepover at Uncle Connor's.

- Who's excited? - Mom, clogs to the club?

Yeah.

Clubs are filled with maniacs and spike heels.

Plus, aren't clogs, like, in again?

- In the trash maybe. - That's mean.

Has anyone seen my full-length denim skirt?

It's got a frog giving the peace sign on the butt pocket.

You guys have gone out before, right?

[laughs] Please, Kel.

We were on a gay Frisbee golf team in college.

The Frisbea Arthurs.

[laughter]

I realize now that you're too young to know that reference.

Oh, oh, what was that insane club that we used to go to,

the one with the waterfall?

Oh, that was, uh, Rainforest Cafe at the mall.

Oh, okay. Point is we partied, but then we got married.

And then the two of you came into our lives.

And now this is the coolest club there is.

[soft music]

♪

Mmm.

Wow, Daddy, you look like that guy

that talks about movies on hotel TVs.

Mario Lopez? Thanks, baby.

Here's that terrible thing you asked me to make.

What is that?

It's a mixture of Gatorade and espresso.

Hydrates as it caffeinates.

Give you a little glow, and then you're good to go.

[groans] Good to go.

- Are you nervous, Daddy? - Me? [chuckles]

Come on, Gretchen, am I ner... No.

All right, Lupe. Hit me with that body spray.

[electronic music]

♪

♪ Tsunami, jump ♪

All right, these wristbands get you in and out of the VIP.

- Do not lose them, okay? - Do these go any tighter?

Mine looks like it was made for a thigh.

That's just 'cause you have little bird wrists.

I'll double-knot it for you, baby.

♪

♪ Jump ♪

♪

Wow, this is the densest concentration

of heterosexuals I've ever seen.

And I'm including both times I went to the Vans Warped Tour.

Well, there has to be some gay people.

I mean, this is San Francisco.

Well, thankfully your mom taught me her tricks

on how to identify lesbians.

Although I'm not seeing any corduroy vests.

I'm Bianca, your server.

Let me know if you guys need anything.

Yeah, is there something you can do about the music?

- It's pretty loud. - Aw, you're cute.

I'll take extra care of this one tonight.

I think she was flirting with you.

- Because that's her job. - Yuck.

No, she's also here to make sure we have a good time

and to round up dimes who are gonna want to come over here

for free drinks.

I think dimes are perfect 10s.

Yuck again.

Okay, ladies, let's leave these nickels here and take a lap.

Hey, I know you were joking about looking out for my husband,

but could you look out for my husband?

You got it.

Is this just the same song over and over again?

- Oh, yeah, wait for the... - ♪ Tsunami, jump ♪

Love that.

I'm just gonna check in on our kids.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Something happen to your kids? - Kirsten just texted me,

"Marina, you seem busy.

Let me take this gift thing off of your plate."

Plate emoji. Smiley face.

History's greatest monster.

We thought our children were dead.

She's trying to squeeze me out.

It's the gym teacher's divorce sympathy card all over again.

Okay, I work at a school,

and this is what Day Denise has to deal with.

Right now I'm Night Denise. Okay?

Okay. Hey, Night Denise and I are going to go dance.

- Do you want to join us? - I'm just gonna convince her

that she's wrong and we're obviously gonna do the gift card.

- Obviously. Okay. - We'll see you out there.

♪

This isn't that bad.

I kind of forget why I was so down on clubs.

Incoming shorties, 9 o'clock. Time to peacock.

Yeah, now I remember.

- Hey, is it cool if we hang out? - Yeah, sure.

♪

I'll just kind of stand here. I didn't want to sit anyway.

So you guys been in the VIP section before?

[laughs] Yeah.

Cool.

So, uh, are you guys, like, uh, BFFs?

Or are you more, like, besties?

[laughter]

We work together.

Where? At, like, a hotness farm?

No, at an escrow company.

So, uh, we're brothers.

Yeah, hard to tell, though, right?

Like Captain America before and after the super serum.

[laughter]

He's like the Rock, and I'm like the twig.

[laughter]

Oh, you're so cute. I want to, like, put you in my purse.

- Well, I'd fit. - [laughter]

So what do you do?

Tom's actually a professional nerd.

Oh, well, yeah, I'm a writer.

Oh, like, uh, you write code?

No, he writes novels. If he wrote code,

he might actually have just a little bit of money.

[laughter]

My boy is broke.

Straight. Straight.

Doesn't know yet, but give it time.

Oh, look, undercut, nose ring.

- They just kissed. - Go, go, go.

♪

Um, excuse me? Are you by any chance LGBT?

Uh, I prefer the term "queer," actually,

but, uh, I mostly date women, so...

- Yeah? Hey, us too. We're gay. - Oh, word?

We were just wondering if any of our people were here.

- Well, you found us. - Hey.

- Denise, Sarah. - Uh, I'm Mel. They're Jenna.

Oh, word?

So, how long have you been together?

Uh, we don't really use the word "together."

Oh, yeah. Neither do we.

Yeah, we've been hanging out, like... like, six weeks.

How about you two?

Oh, well, we've been hanging out for, like, 15 years.

We actually moved in together at six weeks.

- Oh, whoa. - I guess we're a cliché.

Nah, you're cool, you know, old school.

- Like... like Sarah's shoes. - [gasps] Thank you.

Ha! In your face, Shamiah.

- Shamiah's our child. - Oh.

Unbelievable.

I bet.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, just a guy wondering what could be on that phone

to capture such a beautiful woman's interest.

Well, if you really want to know,

I'm locked in a power struggle with a mom at my kid's school.

And I will not stop until I win,

because even though Kirsten wears pigtails

and I went to law school,

she still makes me feel like a failure.

- She called you a failure? - The last thing she says was,

"What will $50 even buy at the Nike Store?"

- That's cold. - I keep typing witty responses

- and then deleting them. I... - Oh, no, no, no, stop, stop.

Don't type till you have the perfect comeback.

When she sees the dots, she's gonna know that you're flailing,

and people like Kirsten, they love the dots.

Wow. Okay, thanks. That was actually really helpful.

I have a Kirsten, too. My stepdad.

And every Kirsten has a weak spot.

What's Kirsten's?

And then after college,

Tom moved back in with our parents.

A lot of people move home after graduation.

But our dad had already converted his room

into the model train room, so Tom still flinches

every time he hears a whistle. [whistles]

Well, at least I didn't cry when Mom got rid of my big-boy bed.

Tom cried at the end of "50 First Dates."

- On a plane. I was on a plane. - Okay.

So, no, there's less oxygen. Your emotions get a little...

Why are we even talking about this?

He's a little sensitive.

We're just tellin' stories, man, chill.

Okay, I got a story. You guys like stories?

It's about a divorced jerk who's trying to win women over

with an $800 bottle of vodka.

Uh, we're gonna go to the bathroom.

We'll definitely be back, though.

What the hell, man?

What the hell yourself, man? Why'd you even bring me here?

I brought you here to be my wingman.

Really? Or do you just need some idiot

to treat like crap and make yourself look better.

That's literally what a wingman is, Tom.

I thought you might actually want to help me out

and, I don't know, maybe have a good time for once.

You know what? Why don't you have a good time.

Okay? All by yourself.

Cool.

♪

My friends are just in the bathroom.

I'm not here by myself.

"Marina, it's getting late.

Should we continue this tomorrow?"

Ah, no. Kirsten wishes.

I feel like we finally got the drop on this sociopath.

Give me a napkin. Let's workshop our reply.

Sorry, I've been listening for a while now,

and I don't think that's the play.

Speak on that.

You need your responses to be shorter than Kirsten's.

Here, look.

You want the ratio blue to gray to fall in your favor.

- It's a power move. - God, I did not know that.

Thank you.

My Kirsten is named Tammy, and she's the reason

why you never meet a new roommate under a pier.

♪

What are you guys doing later?

Later than this?

Yeah, we're heading to this, like, huge queer warehouse rave thing.

- Do you want to come? - Yeah, sure.

Great. We'll meet you out front.

Okay. [giggles]

- A warehouse party? - Why not?

I don't know, because we're at the age

where the best part about going out is going home.

- I miss our bed. - Right, sure, but...

you and me, we settled down very young.

And I wouldn't change a thing,

but we kind of skipped over our huge queer warehouse rave days.

Okay. Fine. Let's go party.

[both laugh]

Besides, these shoes were made for dancing.

They were actually made for nurses working a double,

- but, yes, let's go party. - Let's party!

Oh, no, you're not leaving, are you?

Yeah, I kind of have a headache.

And it turns out my brother only brought me along

as his personal punching bag.

I'm sorry.

Well, my job is to make sure you have a good time.

Let me give you something for your head.

Oh, thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.

♪

Hey, was it aspirin or an ibuprofen?

I'm only asking 'cause, no big deal,

- but aspirin gives me reflux. - I can't hear you.

- What did you just give me? - It was ecstasy.

Wait, what? You're kidding, right?

That wasn't just ecstasy, was it?

It was aspirin.

What?

She said it was.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, she wanted me to have a good time.

Whoa, are you joking?

You just let me in there. I'm VIP.

I don't see a bracelet.

Oh, no. Stupid bird wrists.

♪

"Web M.D., effects of ecstasy."

And my phone's dead. I knew it.

I should've brought my phone charger with me to the club.

♪

Hey, uh, sweaty guy.

- What's up, bro? - Can you tell me what happens

when you take, uh, ecstasy?

Oh, man, you're in for a treat.

It starts with some mild confusion, teeth grinding, sweatiness.

Yeah, how is that a treat?

Then you feel ecstasy.

Okay, well, I'm definitely feeling confused,

a little sweaty.

Teeth aren't doing too great.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm on ecstasy.

You'll be okay, man. Just give in to the night.

♪

Yeah, I don't know how to do that.

Hey, just ran into your brother.

- Hope he's okay. - Why? Was he journaling?

No, but he looked miserable.

I gave him an extra-strength aspirin.

That can't be good for his reflux.

Mm, hey, you're back. Thought you ditched me.

What? Why would I ditch you?

Ah, you just came back for the phone.

- No, I, um... - Want to have another drink?

I officially have no idea where we are.

So, uh, I hate to ask,

but what time is Shamiah's cheerleading tomorrow?

- In about five hours. - Oh, so it's already tomorrow.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God, I love this song.

Wow, Jenna, we get it. You're poly.

You have to flirt with the driver right in front of me?

The driver? God, no. Are you even a Marxist?

Her name is... Kia Sorento.

- [hiccups] - Are you gonna vom?

- Oh, please don't. - Especially since we called the car

and there's a big fee if you vom.

I dry-heave a lot, but I rarely wet-heave.

[hiccups]

♪

I can get through this.

I can get through this. I just need to find Marina.

Go straight to the hospital and then, I guess, rehab.

God, I really can't let go, even when I'm rolling my face off.

♪

♪ This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this ♪

♪ This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this ♪

♪

♪ Drop, drop, drop the bass ♪

♪

You're feeling it!

- I'm feeling it, man! - Yeah!

- Get him up. Get him up. - Whoa.

♪

I'm giving in to the night!

[laughs]

And after my HUD-1 form was approved, I closed.

Yeah, that's pretty standard.

That's the end of my escrow stories.

Well, you had a lot.

Yeah, sorry. You probably deal with this all day.

Listen, you can... you can go. You don't have to hang.

- I-I'd rather fly solo anyways. - I-I-I didn't mean...

I just... I haven't been to the club in so long.

You know, I think I just kind of forgot how to...

how to do this.

- Can I make a suggestion? - Yeah.

Even escrow people don't want to talk about escrow.

- I get that. - And...

maybe lay off your brother.

Tom seems like a nice guy.

He is a nice guy.

Okay, I'm gonna say it.

It's time to turn on read receipts.

- Now? Won't that seem weird? - No, no way.

Let her see that we got her text and that we don't care.

Ooh, I got it. I have a killer response.

Does she wear a hat? Because it only works if she wears a hat.

Oh, my God, that's my husband.

♪

Tom's having the time of his life.

Tom!

- And what am I doing? - Um, defeating Kirsten.

Yeah, and through her, defeating all our Kirstens.

You guys don't know my husband,

but if he's having a blast at a club and we're not,

then our Kirstens have already won.

♪

Tom?

All right, so you don't get the actual, like, address

of a warehouse party until five seconds before the doors open.

[hiccups] Ooh, could you stop braking so hard?

- It's not helping my heaves. - Don't tell Kia how to drive.

- Stop defending her. - Stop controlling me.

- Oh! - Jenna!

Are they okay?

Did I manifest that?

I think they're fine.

They just got in line at the grilled cheese truck.

- I'm never gonna find love. - Oh, sure you will.

Oh. [vomits]

It just takes time.

Unless you're really, really lucky.

I'm actually cool with how we spent our youth.

- I don't miss... that. - [vomits]

Yeah, you know, even though we did miss our 20s,

the good thing about being young parents

is that our 50s are gonna slap.

I love you...

and our kids and our bed.

If we leave right now, we can see that bed.

I can see the party. We made it.

Uh, I think we're actually gonna head home.

- Yeah, you have fun, though. - Okay.

- Okay. - If you're sure.

- Yeah, we are. - We're sure.

Okay. Oh, my... Okay.

♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪

Tom, I've never seen you like this.

I've never seen you like this.

You're so beautiful.

God, I don't tell you that enough.

♪ Can you get enough of me? ♪

- Hey, let's go home. - Yeah.

Oh, no, Connor.

I can't leave him here like this. Look at him.

He's so beautiful.

God, I don't tell him that enough.

Tom, what's wrong with you?

I'm on drugs, and I love you.

Wait, what?

No, that's another club on the east side.

♪ And I can't get enough of you, baby ♪

No bracelet, no entry.

- Tom, what are you doing? - I'm being your wingman.

Wait, he's with me.

♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪

- ♪ Can you get enough of me? ♪ - Oh, okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

I know why you're making fun of me.

- It's okay. I'm not mad at you. - You're not?

No. Look, I always think of you as being so rich

and good-looking that...

I don't think you can be insecure, but when I do that,

- it's like I'm not seeing you. - It's just, trying to date after so long,

it's got me all in my head.

You know, and you started making all those girls laugh.

- I-I felt like I had to put you down... - No. Shh.

- Oh, okay. - It's my fault.

I should've been your wingman helping you soar to the sun.

Instead, I was blocking out your light.

What are you talking about?

Look, it's my fault. I shouldn't have treated you like that.

Come here.

Oh.

- All right. - Okay, how's he doing?

Little handsy.

I just talked to the waitress,

and she gave Tom an aspirin, but he thinks he's on drugs.

- That explains a lot. - Wingman for life, right?

[laughter]

[upbeat dance music]

Club Lupe, can I get a vibe check?

[all cheering]

So Kirsten just gave up?

Yeah. I guess ignoring her worked.

I woke up to, like, 1,000 messages.

The last one said, "You win. Let's do the gift card."

Oh, yes.

Now comes the tough part...

approval from the booster committee.

Nope. Mm-mm.

So that's it? You're just done with clubs?

I think I was just trying to force the dating thing.

- Mm. - I just need to move at my own speed,

and right now that speed is Club Lupe.

♪

Lupe, Lupe, fresh beats, so yeet.

Do me a favor, can you play "Like A G6" after this?

_

You're an artist. I respect that.

♪

All right, all right, get on up on the dance floor.

- Come on, show us what you got. - [girls scream]

Oh, oh.

Here it is.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --