Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

["Non Dimenticar Le Mie Parole" by Emilio Livi playing]

♪ Non dimenticar le mie parole ♪

♪ Bimba tu non sai Cos'è l'amor ♪

♪ è una cosa bella Come il sole ♪

♪ Piuù del sole dà calor ♪

♪ Scende lentamente nelle vene ♪

♪ E pian piano giunge Fino al cuor ♪

♪ Nascono coiì le prime pene ♪

♪ Con i primi sogni d'or ♪

♪ Ogni cuore innamorato ♪

♪ Si tormenta sempre piuù ♪

♪ Tu che ancor non hai amato ♪

♪ Forse non mi sai capire, tu ♪

♪ Non dimenticar le mie parole ♪

♪ Bimba t'amo tanto, da morir ♪

♪ Tu per me sei forse Piuù del sole ♪

♪ Non mi fare mai soffrir ♪

♪ Ma io t'ho sempre amata ♪

[knocking on door]

-[door opens] -[sighs]

Do you love me?

[Bennie] Do I love you?

Of course I love you.

I love you before I love you,

I love you after I love you.

I love you. I love you.

[puffs]

I'm not going.

[Bennie] You're not going? You're going!

What do you mean you're not going?

You got to go.

It's time to go.

You're not even dressed. What are you doing?

Get ready!

Let's go! We got people, they're waiting.

[breathes deeply]

[Bennie] You look fucking fantastic.

What are you worried about?

You're the star of the show.

Okay. [sighs]

[Bennie] Let me see.

My god, you're a beautiful woman.

[Stella sighs]

You're on in ten! [thumping]

-Go get them! -[door closes]

[Bennie] Stella means star.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

[Veebie] Good evening, my friends, my lovers.

-[audience] Good evening. -Hello again.

Nice to see you, too. Oh! Hey--

-You're with him now? -[man] Yeah!

Oh. Okay.

Keep an eye on him, he looks slippery.

Like a wet cobblestone, that guy.

[man laughs]

What are you having? I suggest the, uh...

Let me recommend the white wine.

Goes with the cod.

So, uh... [clears throat]

[Veebie] So let me tell you

how I met the Mayor the other day.

I was coming home from work and, uh...

Well, the Mayor comes running up to me.

Just like that! I mean, he was a little further away,

and then he got there and he said,

"You! Come with me quickly.

Someone fell in the well."

I said, "The well, you say?"

He says, "That's right.

Come, quick!"

So we...

I followed him over to the well. He looks down the well.

He points down there and looks at me.

I look down in the well,

I look at him and I said,

"Mayor, there's two guys down there now."

He looks down and he says,

"You're right, there are two guys.

I better go get some help."

I said, "Yeah, you go do that."

So the Mayor runs off.

[audience laughing]

[Veebie] And I'm waiting. The Mayor is going for help.

He comes back with a cop.

He's got a policeman with him.

The cop comes by.

[audience laughs]

He says, "Down there?"

"Yeah, down there," says the Mayor.

The cop looks down there.

He looks at the Mayor...

he looks at me...

and he says...

[grunts] "It's all right.

There's a cop down there with him."

[audience laughing, cheering]

[continues laughing and cheering]

That's a true story.

He gets them every time.

-How're we hitting them, Freddy? -Pretty nice.

George is upstairs with Bambi in the champagne room.

That's the right answer.

[lively music]

[audience cheering]

[lively music playing]

♪ It's half past nine It's fucking time ♪

♪ It's half past one I want some more ♪

♪ It's half past eleven And I'm in heaven ♪

♪ It's ten o'clock You can suck my cock ♪

♪ I'm driving fast Upon your ass ♪

[audience cheering]

Who gave you these receipts, Ray?

Who gave you these receipts? I've got no names here!

The store! The store I bought them from!

What's the name of this store? There's no name here.

There's no name here. There's no...

-No names? -Ladies, ladies,

please stop the fighting.

-What's the problem? -[man 1] I need some receipts.

Real receipts. Not this shit.

[Bennie] You said you had a whole box of receipts?

[stuttering] There they are.

Those are the receipts I have.

[Bennie] Are you giving him the made-up receipts again

where you just write your name and you write...

No, no, no.

These receipts came from the stores

where I bought the merchandise.

What about the box

by Freddie's book behind the bar,

-did you give him that? -[Ray] No, I didn't...

Those are the receipts! What are you doing?

Those are the receipts.

That's what you're supposed to be giving him.

Can you take care of it? Please. I can't do everything, Ray.

-[Ray] Yeah. -Thank you.

[Ray] Excuse me, Bennie,

-before you go... -I gotta go!

-Well, before you go, hol-- -[Bennie] I gotta go!

-Listen. -[Bennie] What?

Excuse me, it's important, okay?

I just remembered, okay?

'Cause I've been going crazy over here.

Uh, Gus called.

[Ray] Now, now, now, things are coming to me, okay?

Oh, now things are coming to you?

What, are you Thomas Edison now?

A lightbulb's going off in here.

[Ray] No, no, 'cause I've been going nuts

with this guy over here, Bennie.

I picked up the phone,

and he asked if you was here, I said, "No."

I said, "This is Ray."

He said, "Ray, tell Bennie I wanna talk to him.

I wanna see him. I wanna to talk to him."

And I says, "Okay, I'll pass on that message to him."

Okay? He says, "It's urgent."

-[Bennie] "It's urgent?" -Yes.

When was this?

[Ray] Gee, about two and a half,

-three hours ago. -Okay.

Do you know what the definition of urgent is?

-[Ray] Yes, I do. -You do. And what is it?

[Ray] Uh, it means right away.

It means right away. Do you consider two and a half,

three hours, right away?

-No, because-- -[Bennie] Because I could watch

a whole movie in two or three hours.

-Yeah, well... -That's not exactly right away.

-[Ray] I agree. -Okay.

-Get it together, please. -[Ray] All right.

Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

a performer is gonna come on in a second.

And before she does, I want you to reach down.

I want you to reach down, all the way down inside of you,

the bottom of your heart,

the bottom of your soul.

And I want you to let her know!

I want you to let her know how much you love her!

I want to hear it at the top of the mountains!

I want to hear it

all the way down to the bottom of the ocean.

-Will you do that for me? -[audience applauds]

Will you do that for me? Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Cabaret Maxime is proud to present...

Madam Stella.

[lively music plays]

[slow, erotic music playing]

[audience whistling]

[slow, erotic music playing]

-[whip cracks] -[men] Whoa!

-[women laughing] -[whip cracks]

[audience cheering]

[slow, erotic music playing]

[slow, erotic music continues playing]

[snorts]

[metal clanging]

[machine hissing]

[glasses clinking]

[machine whirring]

[electricity crackling]

[Gus] Listen to me, you moron.

Lawyers? Let him get lawyers.

-Let him get... -[mumbles]

Let him get lawyers.

No, listen.

Listen to me, you fucking malfunctioning imbecile.

You understand what I'm saying to you?

[Gus] You piece of shit. Are you listening?

Good, good, good.

-Now listen to this. -[thumping]

Did you hear that, you moron?

-Goodbye! -[phone slams]

Come here, Bennie. Sit down.

[Gus] Sit down.

The noise.

The what?

The noise.

The noise?

-[glass clinking] -[Gus] Yeah, the noise.

-What noise? -[Gus] There's been complaints.

Who is complaining?

Fuck's the difference who's complaining?

I said there's noise.

Okay, well, but 15 years, there wasn't noise,

and all of a sudden, there is noise, so?

[Gus] That's what happens in this life.

All of a sudden, things happen.

And now, it's noise.

You're gonna take care of that?

[Bennie] I'll bring down the noise.

Good boy.

There's a shipment. I'd like you to take care of it.

What do you got?

[Gus] The fuck do I know what it is.

It's, uh, G-strings, panties, hose.

[stuttering] What do I know?

Right up my alley.

-Exactly. -Okay.

Okay? All right.

Now, get out of here.

Always a pleasure, Mr. Gus.

-Keep pumping. -[Bennie] I will.

["Lady of Spain" by Eddie Fisher playing]

♪ Lady of Spain, I adore you ♪

♪ Right from the day I first saw you ♪

♪ My heart has been yearning For you ♪

♪ What else can any heart do? ♪

♪ Lady of Spain, I'm appealing ♪

♪ Why should my lips Be concealing ♪

♪ All that my eyes Are revealing? ♪

♪ Lady of Spain, I love you ♪

-Olé! -Olé!

Caramba!

Olé!

[Ripa] Bennie! Bennie, Bennie, Bennie.

Please come in. I've been dying to talk to you all day.

Please sit down. Come on.

You're not going to believe the most stupendous act

that ever came across my way.

-[Bennie] What do you got? -Oh, please, no, no.

You gotta sit down. Sit.

[Ripa] The most incredible,

absolutely stupendous news about an act,

ever, ever, ever.

-For you. Are you prepared? -What is it?

-Are you sitting? -[Bennie] I'm sitting here.

Okay.

A tiger.

Tiger?

[Ripa] Not just a tiger...

[blows raspberries]

A tiger number.

And not just a tiger number...

A tiger number

with the most exotic, hottest, half-naked blonde,

wherever she's from,

amazing chick with a body to die for.

[Ripa] You are not going to believe this.

She comes out with the tiger on stage!

[Bennie] She dances with the tiger?

Place go crazy. Dances with the tiger?

Not only dances with the tiger does she dance.

She's not only a dancer.

She's a singer.

An accomplished singer and dancer with a tiger!

How's your day now?

[Ripa] Huh?

Let's, let's put a pin on that one.

What else have you got?

[Bennie] Well, give me something that I can work with.

Think tiger.

-Hot blonde... -[Bennie] I got it. Back burner.

-Give me something... -My god.

All right, all right, all right, let's see.

I got a few things here.

I got this guy. He does a Liberace...

-Impersonator. -[Bennie] No, no, no.

-I don't want him to... -[Bennie] No Liberace.

Oh, no, no, no.

[Ripa] Twin midgets.

-Twin midgets? -Oh, yes. Sisters!

You know, you're supposed to call them little people.

-Little people? -[Bennie] Mm.

Doesn't have the same ring, but okay.

I got twin little people,

and they do a strip act you cannot believe.

Oh, their strip number is out of this world,

-I'm telling you. -[Bennie] All right.

[Ripa] They not only do a strip number,

get this...

They do it under water.

-[both laugh] -[Ripa] Please, see.

We put this giant aquarium on stage, right?

They strip underwater,

and we've already filled the aquarium with lobsters.

-[Bennie] Lobsters? -Yeah.

So they're stripping underwater,

and then, they dive in a tank full of lobsters.

It kills the audience.

I'm telling you, it's a real winner.

It ain't no tiger!

What do you feed a tiger?

[Ripa] Anything it wants. [laughs]

That's what I'm worried about.

[Drea] I told you where I keep it.

-That's where I like it. -But I put it on the doorknob,

-so when you walk in... -[overlapping dialogue]

Ladies, ladies!

Stop! Please, no insults.

What happened?

I have my dress on that hanger always, neatly.

She wanted to borrow it

'cause she thinks her ass looks good in it,

so I was very nice and I let her,

and then she goes and loses it.

Well, my ass does look good in it,

and you said I could borrow it anytime.

If you put it back where you got it,

you stupid bitch.

-What's wrong with you? -No!

No, no, no. No. Come on. Come on with the words.

-It's okay. -Ugh.

Shannon, is it true you had an agreement with Drea

to use the dress and put it back on the rack

when you were done?

I put it on the fucking doorknob!

-Yeah, that we know! -Halt!

Wait, wait, wait. Now...

-The doorknob is not a rack. -[Shannon] Oh!

-Okay? Rack is not a doorknob. -Mm-hm.

We have to honor the place where things belong

because everything has a place.

Hey, hey, hey! Stop yelling. [clicks tongue]

I got it.

-[Bennie] There you go. -Okay.

-[Drea] I love you. -[smooches]

-Thank you. -Thank you.

And you!

Leave the girls alone.

Okay? Huh?

-Now I'm in trouble. -[Zia mumbles]

Happy?

Who's having sex?

Is anyone having sex?

Huh? I know yous two.

Forget about it. You're having sex right now.

-[audience laughs] -Huh? Yeah, but, no.

Jerking off does not count.

Just real sex!

All right? But I'm not having any sex.

So I watch my roommate have sex.

Right? I drilled a hole in the wall, so I can see.

But it's okay, she's blind, she'll never know.

-[audience laughs] -No, no, she's blind.

So the other night,

she has this freak over, you know.

And he's going down on her, you know.

And she's moaning.

[imitates moaning] All right? Yeah.

And then he starts going, "Meow, meow."

And then she jumps up and squeals,

"Oh, no! Is that you Mr. Whiskers?

Again?"

What? I... What?

I jumped off the bed, started running around the house

looking for the fucking cat.

All right? I got toys, I got catnip, everything.

Nothing! The cat won't come.

[percussive sting]

So anyway, when all else fails,

just do what I do

and take yourself down

to Madame Ying Ying's House of Wonderment.

-[audience] Ooh. -Mm-hm.

You know about it.

And ask for Beatrice.

She's a six foot two, double-D, blonde Korean chick,

with a long, greasy rubber stick.

All right?

Now that's a happy heart attack, baby!

You know what I'm talking about.

[percussive sting]

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen

I'm going to bring on

the wonderful, vivacious Veebie!

[audience clapping, cheering]

[drum roll]

[Shannon] Oh, no!

Oh, no!

[Shannon laughs, grunts]

Help! Help!

[groans]

[Shannon mutters]

Sweet, sweet, sweetheart,

Shannon.

Ladies and non-ladies.

Every now and then, there's a rare occasion

where your eye beholds a sight

that makes you realize you've only been blind before.

A light so astounding that it opens up

a soulful crevasse in your heart,

and you fall right in.

[audience laughs]

And there, the light comes on.

Illuminating, enlightening,

inflorescence of the mind and spirit.

It gives me great pleasure

to introduce the light of our lives,

the fire of our loins.

The one, the only,

sexational Cabaret Maxime Delights!

[lively music]

You're my rock, Suzie.

Miss Suzie!

She'll shake you to your core

and make you tremble member.

Mimi!

The enchantress.

She'll cast a spell on you, make you forget who you are.

[Veebie] Trixie!

She knows how to use it...

to make you lose it.

[audience cheer, applaud]

[Veebie] Don't be fooled by the baby face,

Darla, who packs a wallop, make you lose your wallet.

[Veebie] Romi!

She'll take your heart for ransom,

and believe me, the rest of you is gonna follow.

Drea, the queen of the erotic sex dream...

supreme.

And now...

the cosmic brilliance of the man from another planet.

A legend in any universe.

Mr. Phil Mendrix!

[rock music playing]

[rock music continues playing]

Phil Mendrix!

[rock music playing]

[audience cheer, applaud]

[Veebie] Phil Mendrix.

Why does everything always have to be so complicated?

I don't know, he didn't look too happy.

-What, you think I'm happy? -[Ray] I'm not happy neither.

[Bennie] I know you're not happy,

-but everything's got to take -[Ray] You want to be happy--

ten extra steps.

-It can't just be done... -If you want to be happy,

join the Southern Baptist Church,

where they sing there on the choir.

[speaking in Italian]

Hey, just the man I'm looking for.

Looking to buy you a drink.

-How are you, buddy? -I'm good, how are you?

I'm terrific. Taste that, you're gonna love it.

-What is it? -[chuckles]

First taste it, then we're gonna talk.

Not a temp.

Go ahead, drink it, man. I don't wanna poison you.

[Warren laughs]

Top shelf, huh?

-[Bennie] It's a little harsh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Piss is harsh. That is poison.

You understand me?

I've had after shave lotion

that was smoother than that garbage.

What do we gonna do? Buy everybody a Brut Fabergé

on the rocks?

Pretty bad.

I've been dealing this shit for 40 years

for this cocksucker. Okay?

Forty years ago, you would have had a problem

distinguishing that and Black Label.

Today, this is Drano, okay? It will kill you.

It will take the enamel off your teeth.

You follow me? I want you to take this shit,

bring it back to Gus,

tell him, "Señor Gus, you drink it!"

And let him blow his own fucking pipes out.

-All right, please? -Take it back.

Get it out of my place.

Take that away from me before it burns a hole

in your shirt.

Take it all back.

I'll talk to Gus.

[Warren] Kid, it's not just Gus.

Okay? The whole world is going to shit, kid.

And if you think about it,

when was the last time you had a good tomato?

A delicious tomato?

[chuckles] Uh...

I don't know.

[Warren chuckles] You see what I'm saying?

See there, nothing makes an impression on you no more.

My mother, God rest her soul,

she bought a refrigerator, that old ice box, in 1950.

She bought it for 12 dollars.

Okay? 12 bucks she paid for it.

-It's still running. Full steam. -[Bennie chuckles]

You can hang your veal in it.

It freezes everything, okay?

Today, my point, today,

you buy a toaster for 75 dollars, okay?

In three weeks, you sit down for breakfast,

you have your eggs, and you have raw bread.

The toaster is already busted.

[Bennie] I know. Everything is disposable now.

Okay. So I'm glad you said that. That's a perfect word.

Because on this night, between me and you,

I am disposing of Mr. Gus.

[Warren] He's out of my life.

Fuck Gus. He's done.

You're preaching to the choir, my friend, okay?

I mean, just today, he gave me this big sermon about the noise.

-[Warren] What noise? -[chuckles]

Somebody is complaining about the noise.

Who the fu-- Who is complaining about noise?

That's what I want to know, but he wouldn't tell me.

-[Warren] Uh-huh. -Uh-huh.

[Warren] All right, then.

He's got something up his sleeve.

-Of course. -[Warren] Yeah.

He's got a plan that son of a bitch.

Of course.

Right, listen to me. [sniffs]

I'll make you feel better.

-And this is a fact, okay? -[liquid sloshing]

Everything is pre-destined.

Everything. Okay?

People, maybe they don't like it,

and a lot of people don't accept that.

But everything is pre-destined. Okay?

Bennie, there's no,

there's no big boss in the world.

Nobody is in charge, okay?

There's no King Gus. There's nothing like that.

He's a fucking feather blowing in the wind.

It's all it is. He'll come, he'll go,

and that will be the end of it.

[Warren] You'll be, you'll be an old man,

and he'll be dead a long, long time.

You better remember this.

To realize that you're nothing, is ignorant.

But to realize that you're everything,

young man, is love.

Is love.

I'm not sure if I get it, but I'll drink to it.

[Sandro singing in Italian]

[singing in Italian]

[continues singing in Italian]

[singing in Italian]

[continues singing in Italian]

[singing in Italian]

[Shorty] If I gotta fix that machine one more time,

I am going to kill somebody.

-It's a constant breakdown-- -Just fix it. Listen.

Hey, Freddie, would you do me the honors, please.

-Fix it 'til it stays fixed. -You got it, boss.

Shorty, explain to me the rationale behind the timer

-on the bathroom light. -Told you.

What are you talking about, "rationale"?

Its five seconds long.

-What is? -The timer.

The light stays on for five seconds?

Yeah, then it turns off, it's perfect.

-Well, Ray was very, -Perfect for who?

very upset this morning.

He had a very hard time in there.

I don't know why, I don't want to know why,

but I don't think it's working.

Five seconds is not long enough when you're taking a leak.

What are you-- Five seconds--

After five seconds, if you take more than five seconds,

-you just put your head backward - Okay, and the purpose

-and you reactivate the sensor. -of this is what?

-For real? -I mean, to save money for us.

-To save money? -Yeah, to save money,

-and it'll save the planet. -How much do we save?'

We save like, ten cents a month.

Okay, I'll give you ten bucks

and you give it to the Save the Dolphin fund, okay?

That will work out perfectly.

Mm. I'm sure.

[sighs]

This song has got to go.

What are you talking about? I like this song.

[Bennie] Nah, it's got to go.

This song is great.

I think I've heard better songs. Uh...

I've heard better songs.

-You must... -[fingers snapping]

-...not dance. -[dancers humming]

You see, when you, when you mix...

Step. Step. Front.

-[fingers snapping] -[women humming]

And final position.

[woman humming]

-[Bennie] Okay, stop. -Don't you see it?

-She's pulling me. -[Bennie] Stop!

Stop, stop, stop.

Okay, that happens, you're on high heels,

you're getting used to these shoes.

-They're new. -This is a fucking disaster!

[Bennie] It's not a disaster! It's rehearsal.

Okay, the moves are there, the moves are all there.

What we need to do is...

Cabaret 101.

What's the key to happiness?

-[dancer 1] Eye contact. -Eye contact!

-Right! -[dancer 2] Pussy!

Okay.

When a beautiful woman looks into the eyes of a man

for more than two seconds, in his delusional state,

he thinks she's interested.

If he thinks she's interested

and if he gets excited,

he wants a drink, he buys drinks,

if he buys drinks, I'm happy,

if I'm happy, you're happy, right, Stella?

-Yeah baby, I'm happy. -[Bennie] There you go.

Okay. What we need is character.

-[choreographer] Yeah. -[dancer 1] Um...

What character are we playing here?

[dancer 2] I don't know.

That-- It looks like you don't know, exactly.

What character are we playing? Cats!

This is, uh, Liberace.

This is a cat. Please.

[Bennie] There are many kinds of cats. Right?

We got lions, we got tigers,

we got Tom and Jerry.

Can I be Tom?

You can be tomcat, you can be alley cat,

whatever you want. Okay?

You're too provocative for this rehearsal.

-Yeah. -I must show the girls.

[Bennie] Let's go again!

[snaps fingers]

[whistling]

Hey, babe.

[Stella] Hey.

[water sloshing]

-[rustles] -[glass thuds]

[slow music playing]

[Bennie] Hey.

So, uh,

so this kid walks in on his parents

making love in the bedroom.

And the father says, "Tommy get out, get out!"

So, the kid gets out and closes the door.

When they were done, the mother says to him,

"Maybe you should go talk to the kid,

I mean, he saw something he doesn't understand."

So, the father goes to the kid's bedroom,

he opens the door,

and the kid is fucking his grandmother.

And the father says, "Tommy, what are you doing?"

And he says, "Oh, you don't like it

-when it's your mother?" -[audience applauding, cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

[audience whistling, cheering]

[Ray] Bennie.

There's three guys out there. They wanna talk to you.

-[Bennie] Who? -I don't know.

I don't know their names, I've never seen them before.

Well, maybe you should ask their names?

-Maybe I should have. -[Bennie] Yeah.

I need to know. I mean, what if the Pope walks in here,

I'd like to know it's him.

Well, I'd know if the Pope walked in here.

[Bennie] Not if he was wearing street clothes.

-Yeah, right. -[Bennie] I know I'm right.

[dance music playing]

[Dominic] Bennie Gaza?

Yes?

[Dominic] I knew it was you.

You, my friend, are a legend in this neighborhood.

Talk to anybody in this neighborhood,

they say come and see Bennie.

-Dominick. -Yeah?

Oh, I don't know who you've been talking to, Dominick,

-but hello. -[Johnny] Hey, I'm Johnny,

-Johnny. Nice to meet you. -[Johnny] It's good to meet you.

-[Franco] Franco. -Franco.

-[Franco] Nice to meet you. -Bennie. This is Ray.

We are opening up a club across the street,

-"Good Vibrations." -Ah.

-Good neighbors. -Yeah.

We wanted to say hello.

Welcome.

-[Franco laughing] -[Johnny] Right.

Can I get you guys a drink?

[Dominic] Ah, there you go. Sure. Never refuse a drink.

-What would you like? -Chivas, on the rocks.

I'll have the same.

Bourbon.

[Bennie] Set me up.

Uh, let's have a seat.

-Thanks for the hospitality. -Of course.

[dance music playing]

It's a great place, Bennie.

-Really nice. -Thank you.

[Dominic] How long you've been here?

Feels like since the Pyramids.

[Dominic] Whoa.

Um, we've been here 15 years.

-[Bennie] Fifteen years. -[whistles]

[Bennie] Next month.

-Fifteen years? -[Bennie] Fifteen years.

You're serving a sentence.

Yeah, I could have killed somebody,

-and been out sooner. -[Dominick laughing]

In club years, 15 years is 40.

[Bennie] In my book, 40 years.

That's forty years.

-[Bennie] ...dog land. -Like dog years.

That's what I call stamina.

Insanity is really what it is. Delusion.

[Dominic] But you've got some history here.

-This place? -Yeah, what was it before?

Well, it was abandoned when I took it over,

but it was originally a bordello

when it was built in the '20s.

Fancy word for a whorehouse.

-[Bennie] Fancy word. -[all laughs]

Before that, it was a cabaret for many years,

and even, uh, during the war,

that's when it opened.

And it was this spy hangout,

believe or not.

-There were spies in here? -[Bennie] Oh, yeah.

They exchanged information,

then they exchanged bodily fluids later on

-when it became a porn theatre. -[Fred] Oh...

[Ray] You better be careful what you talk about here,

-uh, Franco. -[Johnny] Dead drops. Spies.

What is this, a fucking whorehouse?

You should close the place and make it a fucking museum.

[Johnny chuckles]

What, uh, what is your concept?

[Dominic] What's that?

The concept behind what you're doing.

[Dominic] Oh, the concept.

Well, we're doing strip.

Full service.

-Top shelf strippers. -Thank you.

Professional, very professional.

-Thank you very much. -Classy joint, Bennie.

Well, here's to your classy joint.

Welcome to the neighborhood, gentlemen.

-[all] Cheers. -[glasses clink]

[Dominic] You've got to come for a visit, huh.

I will.

[Johnny] You have to stop by. Gotta see our place.

-Salute. -[Fred] Cheers.

How 'bout your ladies, how many ladies

do you do here a night?

It all depends...

Depends.

[Dominic] Depends on the night?

Depends on the night. Depends on the night.

We do a revolving repertoire of specialty acts.

We have...

burlesque, strip, comedy, live music...

-jugglers. -[all laughs]

Veebie.

Oh, we definitely got Veebie.

[Johnny] What's a Veebie?

[Bennie] Veebie? All right.

If, uh, W. C. Fields and Mae West had a baby

and abandoned it on Marlon Brando's doorstep,

it might grow up to be Veebie.

Listen, if I can introduce you to some of the band leaders,

you know, if you need some musical acts.

DJ's. We do DJ's.

-[Bennie] DJ's. -Top DJ's.

-That's what everybody is doing. -Yeah. What's the matter,

-you don't like DJs? -It's simple.

-Techno? -They do techno.

-Techno... -Techno.

[Dominic] Oh, what? You don't like it?

I'm not a techno guy. Are you?

-You come visit us. I got-- -[Bennie] You like techno?

I've got year plugs for you.

[imitating techno beat]

[Dominic] Oh, we're not artists like you, Bennie.

-You know, you're a class act. -I was just-- Hold on.

-[Dominick humming] -One second.

Excuse me Johnny, I'm sorry.

No cell phones?

House rules.

You've got to be fucking joking!

-[chuckling] -Rules are rules.

I wouldn't wanna break the rules.

I appreciate it.

Legs, yes. Rules, no.

Break a leg.

-That's another story. -That's what we say

-in show business. -Break a leg.

Hey, Ray, break a leg...

You have a good time with the ladies.

I want to introduce you to three of my superstars.

-The lovely Nadine. -Look at this.

-Whoa. -Hello, baby.

Samantha.

-Jesus. -Romina.

-It's nice meeting you. -[speaks Spanish]

Enjoy, gentlemen.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

-Thank you. -Nice to meet you. Have a seat.

-Hello, darling. -Hi, babies.

[Bennie] Veebie!

-Yeah? -[Bennie] Who's on next?

The Fleming sisters.

Shannon with the shotgun.

[Bennie] Uh, no, no, no. No comedy.

Get, uh, Rosalie.

[Veebie] Rosalie? No, it's early...

-Yeah? -Please.

He wants Rosalie!

[Veebie] Ladies and gentlemen,

in honor of some very special guests

who are new to the neighborhood,

we have a very special lady.

Please welcome to the Cabaret Maxime's stage,

from the land of the midnight sun,

the ravishing, the regal, the ruler of my heart,

Rosalie.

[dance music playing]

[dance music continues playing]

[laughs]

Oh, hey.

[audience jeer]

[whistling]

[dance music playing]

Wow.

Oh, no, Jesus!

You got a hell of a sense of humor.

Ladies...

you want a real job, come and visit us, huh,

across the street. "Good Vibrations".

Franco, give them a card, huh.

[dance music playing]

[dance music continues playing]

[indistinct chatter]

You know, some people almost never go crazy.

Dreary lives they must lead, huh?

We don't have that problem, do we?

These guys...

[Veebie] You know, where there's people,

there's pigeons, there's rats, you know, scavengers.

You know, there are street cleaners.

They live off our crumbs.

Unwilling carrier of diseases, yes, but...

these guys...

These guys are the disease.

Looking for an unwilling host to consume.

-They don't care for crumbs. -[match crackles]

They want the whole cake.

Hey.

All good, Warren?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All good, all good.

Interesting clientele tonight.

Yeah, well...

Bennie, it takes all kinds, huh?

You know, big fish eat little fish.

Sometimes small fish eat big fish.

But it's all relative, kid, huh?

We're all swimming upstream. [chuckles]

I think we may have some sharks in the water.

Well...

The cage goes in the water,

a manta goes in the water.

[both chuckle]

The shark is in the water.

[both chuckle]

♪ Farewell and adieu to you Spanish ladies ♪

Hey.

[clears throat]

What's up?

You okay?

[whispering] You okay?

Did you take your pills?

It's a summer storm, right?

You know that.

It's gonna be over before you know it, right?

Right? Come on.

Fight it.

Fight it with me.

Let's fight it, huh?

Let's fight it.

-[breathes deeply] -Yeah, I know.

I know.

♪ Tell the sun To reach the sky ♪

♪ It's just impossible ♪

♪ Impossible ♪

♪ It's impossible ♪

♪ Ask a baby not to cry ♪

- ♪ It's just impossible ♪ - ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Can I hold you ♪

♪ Closer, closer to me, baby ♪

♪ And not feel you ♪

♪ Goin' through me ♪

♪ Split the second, honey ♪

♪ That I never ever Think of you ♪

♪ Oh, how impossible ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Can the ocean ♪

♪ Keep from rushin' To the shore ♪

♪ It's just impossible ♪

♪ It's impossible ♪

-♪ If I had you ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Could I ever want for more? ♪

-♪ It's just impossible ♪ - ♪ Oh! ♪

♪ And tomorrow ♪

♪ Should ya ask me For the world ♪

♪ Somehow I'd get it, baby ♪

♪ I'd sell my very, very ♪

I get old, some schmuck comes along,

has some ideas...

throws me out...

you make a couple of bucks,

and then you die.

That's a very depressing philosophy, Mr. Gus.

-[Gus mumbles] -It's terrible.

[Gus] Not terrible. It's business.

It's business, Bennie. You and I...

We always made a couple of bucks, yes?

[Bennie sighs] Yeah.

Yes?

-Let me hear that again. -[Bennie] We did.

We made money together?

We still make money together.

[Gus] Everything's been good?

Still good.

Those guys I sent to you, they're working for me now.

You meet them?

-[Bennie] I did meet them, yeah. -Good.

These are good guys.

These are smart guys.

They know what they're doing,

I want you to listen to them.

Take some advice.

You think they have great ideas?

[Gus] Absolutely.

Yeah, well, I'm not a pimp.

[Gus] That's your problem, Bennie.

It's the 21st century.

You're out of synch.

Get modern, juice the place up.

Deluxe condos are coming in.

Everything's changing...

and you're not.

I'm in show business.

I have dancers, I have singers,

I have strippers, I have comedians,

and that's what I do.

It's a small niche market...

but I love it.

You run an idea that lives in your head.

It's got nothing to do with reality.

[Gus] You're off somewhere.

Well, I'm definitely not living in reality.

And if you came backstage,

that would confirm it.

We're thinking about putting a tiger up there,

on the stage, with a beautiful girl.

I mean,

it's gonna be something spectacular.

[Bennie] No, I could see it from here, it's terrible.

Put the old one back.

[Veebie] That looks more like gray.

Like gray?

-No, no, no. -[Veebie] What is that color?

-This is blue. -Put the new one, please.

Is this the new red?

That's fine.

-Three and three. -Blue is fine?

[Veebie] He's happy with the red.

-Three and three. -Okay, fine.

But not the old blue?

The old blue still looks pretty good.

-That's fine too. -It looks like greenish gray.

-Don't use the new blue. -Greenish gray?

-The red one is good. -Fine.

But no, I like the blue one.

Okay.

[Shorty] Which do you think looks better?

The old blue and the new red!

[Shorty] So together. So you want purple.

Not together. Separate. Three and three.

I don't want purple.

Only primary colors in this scheme.

[Veebie] Very nice.

[Shorty] So what, you want yellow?

Yellow, blue, and red. Black and white.

[Shorty] All right.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

[smooches]

What?

-Hi, Bennie. -Hi.

-[Drea] Hey, Bennie. -What?

Listen, you got to talk to her.

-About what? -Talk to her.

What's going on?

-[Drea] Oh, Jesus! -Oh!

-[Drea] Hi! -Hi.

Well, you know I'm a woman, right?

Um, well,

women could tell things sometimes,

especially about other women.

Yes... and?

I'm worried about Stella.

I think she... Something's not right.

-I think that... -[Bennie] Really?

Yeah, I think that she just might, you know...

go south again.

Don't worry about Stella.

Stella is fine.

I got it all under control, okay?

[Drea] Bennie, she doesn't seem right.

She's great. I appreciate your concern, but...

Bennie, you do not want her

going back to the hospital again.

She's not going anywhere, okay?

Don't worry about Stella.

Bennie, will you take her out?

Take her out! Get her out of here!

I mean, you know, treat her...

Treat her like your woman.

-Take her where? -You know, dinner, maybe.

[stammering] Maybe a motel.

-Do you know what I'm saying? -[chuckles]

Like, take her out. Treat her.

-Get her some flowers! -You're right.

You're right!

I know I'm right.

When you're right, you're right.

[mumbles]

That's me.

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In all the old, Familiar places ♪

♪ That this heart of mine Embraces ♪

♪ All day through ♪

♪ In that small cafe ♪

♪ The park across the way ♪

♪ The children's carousel ♪

♪ The chestnut tree ♪

♪ And the wishing well ♪

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

Where do we go? How about that place?

-Yeah, lets... Oh, no! -It's like a good place.

-Hey, Bennie. -Hey, how are you?

-All right. How's it going? -[Bennie] Good.

The boys would like to see you to have a drink.

[Franco] Why don't you come over and join us?

Yeah, I'll come by one day. One of these days.

-Come on, have a drink with us. -Now?

-Who are you? -[Franco] Come on over.

I'm Franco.

-Franco... -This is Stella.

-You should go on a diet. -Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey, hey, hey, Stella. -You're...

-[Bennie] I'm sorry, very sorry. -It's okay.

-You can't say that. -Come join us, Bennie.

-You could bring her. -[Bennie] Please forgive me?

Okay. Let's have a drink.

[Stella laughing]

-[Bennie] He's a nice guy. -[Stella] He's fat!

[Bennie] Franco's a great guy.

-[Franco] I used to be thinner. -[Bennie] Oh.

-[Bennie] How's it going? -[Franco] Going well.

-Well, our first night, yeah. -Good luck.

Sorry, um...

Easy, easy.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Dominic] You made it! -Dominick.

Welcome, neighbor.

-This is Stella. Dominick. -[Dominic] Stella.

-Pleasure to meet you. -[Johnny] Hey, Bennie.

-Johnny. -Johnny, Stella.

Stella, whoa.

[Dominic] Let me buy you guys a drink.

Come on.

Luis, a drink for the lady.

-Bennie, what are you having? -[Bennie] Uh, Rémy.

What do you want?

Mm, well...

Maybe the green stuff.

You want the absinth?

Yeah.

Luis, the green fairy for the lady.

What do you think?

I think you're going to do gangbusters.

We are gonna promote the hell out of it.

We're gonna do social media.

The Cameragram, the Facebook, Twitter, you name it.

You know how to do all that stuff?

No, I hired a Chinese kid.

-Franco knew him. -There you go.

-[chuckles] -[ladies giggling]

[Dominic] You like the ladies, huh?

[Bennie] My compliments.

[Dominic] Look at that.

Pound-for-pound the best around.

She's four years running

international body fitness champion.

I believe it.

Let me put her in your club, huh?

-What? -Let me put her in your club.

Four thousand a night.

-[Franco] Bennie, this is Vicky. -[Bennie] Hello.

Vicky is 24/7.

-[Bennie] That must be tiring. -Yes.

[Dominic] See Vicky here?

-Is this Dr. Katz's work? -[Vicky] Yes.

Dr. Katz, my friend. You know Dr. Katz?

I've heard tell.

Silicon or saline?

-I wouldn't venture a guess. -Watch, let me tell you.

[inhales sharply]

Saline.

[Dominic] You could tell from the rippling.

She's a very small girl.

She invests six, seven grand on her tits.

She makes that back in net profit in six months.

The best part...

It gets easy for her.

She doesn't have to sell it, the tits do all the selling.

It's a money maker.

-[Dominic] Thank you, Vicky. -Bye.

You've got it all figured out, don't you?

Let me put some girls in your club.

All I got are girls.

I got girls from Dan to Beersheba.

I'm good.

You know what your problem is, Bennie?

You think you're better than everybody else.

You should see me swing a golf club.

You'd think differently.

[Johnny] So you're friends with Bennie?

What? I'm Bennie's wife.

-You're Bennie's wife? -Mm-hm.

You're kidding me!

Another one.

You're married to Bennie?

Of course I am.

[chuckles] You better make that a double.

Yeah, a double.

[both laughing]

You're funny.

You're hot.

-Come here, you're hot. -Hey, hey, hey.

What?

Come on, you don't want to talk to me?

Talk to me.

Come on, I just want to talk to you, that's all.

Hey!

-Hey, hey, hey. -Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Easy, easy, easy. Come on.

-Let's go. -Hey, fuck you!

-Bennie! -Fuck you!

[Johnny] Oh, Bennie, we just wanna have fun.

[Dominic] Where are you going, Bennie?

[Johnny] Come back again, Bennie.

-Bring Stella. -What were you doing?

What were you doing over there with her?

Well, you know.

["Whisky Facile" playing]

[sings in Italian]

[laughs]

♪ Sono l'uomo ♪

♪ Dal whisky facile ♪

♪ Son criticabile ♪

♪ Ma son fatto cosiì ♪

♪ Non credete ♪

♪ Non sono un debole ♪

♪ M'han fatto abile ♪

♪ Ma la guerra finiì ♪

♪ Se c'è una cosa ♪

♪ Che mi fa tanto male è ♪

♪ L'acqua minerale ♪

[song continues]

[Bennie] Freddy, can you refill my, uh, prescription?

Thought it was your night off?

Oh, I'm not here.

♪ Se ho il whisky facile ♪

♪ Son sempre amabile ♪

♪ Pur se bevo coiì ♪

♪ Sissi ri siri ♪

♪ Non mi correggo ♪

♪ Non mi tentate ♪

♪ Altre persone ♪

♪ Si son provate ♪

♪ Scusate tanto ♪

♪ Se ho il whisky facile ♪

[Zampino whistling]

[whistling continues]

[audience clapping]

[Sandro] Goodbye, Neapolitan.

Leave the girls alone, Sandro.

[Sandro speaking in Italian]

Uh, Stella in?

She went upstairs.

Yeah, Bennie, what did you do to her?

She doesn't look so good.

Stella?

Stella?

[clattering]

Hey, hey, hey.

Stella.

[clock ticking]

Listen.

If you go...

I'm going with you.

Okay?

[Bennie] But I'm not staying here without you.

So...

You decide.

[smooches]

["My Baby Just Cares For Me" by Nina Simone playing]

[audience] Whoa!

[men cheering]

♪ My baby don't care for shows ♪

♪ My baby don't care For clothes ♪

♪ My baby just cares for me ♪

♪ My baby don't care for ♪

♪ Cars and races ♪

♪ My baby don't care for ♪

♪ High-tone places ♪

♪ Liz Taylor is not his style ♪

♪ And even Lana Turner's smile ♪

♪ Is somethin' he can't see ♪

♪ My baby don't care ♪

♪ Who knows ♪

♪ My baby just cares for me ♪

[woman 3] Hey, that was cool.

[woman 4] What a great pussy!

-[Mitali] Which one? -[woman 4] Ah!

Both of them, baby.

[woman 5] I wanna have a number like that.

-[Mitali] Yeah, you should. -[woman 4] Help me, sweetie.

[Veebie] You have something right there.

Oh, really? Oh, it's my nail.

[both chuckle]

♪ My baby don't care for... ♪

-Really? -[Mitali] Mm-hm.

[door opens, closes]

Mitali, that was phenomenal.

-Yeah? -You are a genius.

-A true artist! -Thanks!

-[Mitali] Thanks, Bennie. -Yes.

How come she gets all the attention?

Oh, she doesn't get all the attention.

She's onstage with a tiger!

The tiger gets the attention.

You like her. I know you do.

-She's not my type. -Mm.

-Just tell me. -Yeah, I'm in love with her.

I just proposed marriage to her.

We're running off to Kalamazoo next week.

What do want me to tell you?

Do you want me to fuck her?

[Bennie] That's up to you, okay?

That's up to you.

You do what you want to do.

[liquid sloshing]

I bet you do.

I bet you want me to go down on that blonde pussy.

[Bennie] Well, we're not actually sure she's a blonde.

Maybe she's not, so don't get your hopes up.

You might be disappointed.

I'll fuck her.

Yeah, I wanna fuck her.

[Bennie] You do?

I fuck you, I fuck anybody I want.

[Bennie] Maybe I'll fuck anybody, too.

-[grunts] -Hey! What the fuck?

[overlapping chatter]

Veebie, get her out! Get her out!

Who the fuck are you?

[overlapping chatter]

[woman 6] Fuck them! Oh!

[Bennie] Now what, now what, now what?

That's what I gotta do?

Is that what I have to do?

Do we have to do this? Is that what we have to do?

-I'm crazy. -[Bennie] Shut up!

I'm fucking crazy.

[Bennie] I'll fucking throw this right at you!

I'm crazy.

[sighs]

[Bennie] That's what you want to do?

You want to fuck people up?

-You're not crazy! -Yes, I am.

-[Bennie] I'm crazy! -I'm crazier.

[Bennie] I'm crazy!

You're not allowed to be crazy.

I don't know what I am.

[Bennie] You don't need to know what you are!

I know what you are!

You're a poet, you're an artist!

You're beautiful.

There's one you, there's only one you.

Stop all this shit.

Can you stop this shit?

[bar owner] All I know is that I was approached

a few days ago by three men.

Wanted to buy the bar.

This bar was never for sale and never will be.

That's a lot of love and work from me and my wife.

[Bennie] I understand.

So they came in a couple of days ago?

[bar owner] About two or three days ago.

Out of the blue, they come in and they tell you this.

[bar owner] Yes, I know these guys from nowhere.

Now I come in and find broken glass,

my wife manhandled by some fucking pigs

that I don't even know.

Now, I want this handled personally.

I want these mothefuckers dead. I'll do it myself.

[Bennie] Okay, but you gotta watch it.

You don't wanna go back to where you were,

you know that.

Well, someone's gonna die for it.

[clicks]

[cocks gun]

[calm music]

[calm music continues]

So, what do I owe the honor of this wonderful meeting?

This clandestine event?

I need to ask you a favor.

[Ripa] Anything for you. You know me.

[hands rasping]

Uh, if anything should happen to me...

[Ripa] Happen? Nothing's going to happen to you.

Are we talking about those guys?

-Those amateurs around here. -[Bennie] No, no.

These ham and eggers.

Come on, they're all smoke, no fire.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

[Bennie] I know, I know. I'm just saying.

If anything were to happen,

I need you to promise me you're gonna look after Stella.

[Ripa] Sure, of course. You know that.

-Okay? -[Ripa] Bennie, please.

Look at me. Absolutely.

But nothing's going to happen.

I know. I don't want her going back to that place.

I swore to her that would never happen again.

[Ripa] These lips...

My lips to God's ears.

I will take care of her, but...

Nothing is going to happen to you, you hear me?

-[Ripa] Done deal. -You never know.

I could get, uh, eaten by a tiger or something.

Yeah. Or drowned in a lobster tank

with two midgets.

-Little people. -[Ripa] Oh, don't start with me.

♪ I don't need to take valium Or opium ♪

♪ To know how it feels To leave here ♪

♪ And I don't need No cocaine highs ♪

♪ Or Spanish flies to need you ♪

♪ No DMT, THC, LSD To blow my mind ♪

♪ Heroin, Mescaline Or meth dreams to lose time ♪

♪ Anyway, drugs tend To diminish my body ♪

♪ And I don't need No blindfolds, whips ♪

♪ Boots, or rubber sex ♪

♪ Schoolgirl's uniform Black seam stockings ♪

♪ Or handcuff stockings To turn you on ♪

♪ Anyway, fantasy Only aborts reality ♪

♪ Forcing one to live Within a distortion ♪

♪ Skin on skin, soul to soul ♪

♪ Belly touching Straight as pain ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't need the pain Or the hate ♪

♪ To feel intensely ♪

♪ And I don't need To be dominated ♪

♪ Degraded, flagellated ♪

♪ And I don't need To be extorted ♪

♪ Exalted, or supported ♪

♪ But I do need to be penetrated Elevated, and appreciated ♪

♪ And I need to embrace ♪

♪ My inescapable Feminineness tacitly ♪

♪ Like all the animals Natural and free ♪

♪ Totally succumbed To the eroticness ♪

♪ Of the intuitive risk ♪

♪ Life's hopeful Between the thighs ♪

♪ And all difference Falls, falls ♪

♪ In the face Of uncontrolled cries ♪

♪ Voyo solo, una perla La cultivare ♪

What's up?

-[Ray] He's here. -Who?

Him.

[engine idling]

[Dominic] Bennie!

Mr. Gus would like to talk to you.

[Dominic] If you don't mind.

-Hold down the fort for me. -Sure.

Please.

[police siren wailing in the distance]

[tires screeching]

[car engine stops]

I love this building.

My father.

[chuckles] My father. Oh, my father.

My father owned this building when I was a kid.

I must have been about...

nine years old.

He worked in the bar.

And my mother, she worked in the kitchen.

Oh, they fought.

They fought. All the time.

She used to call him a... a whore master.

I miss my mother.

I miss my mother.

Oh, it was a classy joint in those days.

It was just... you know, tops.

The bar, music, all the girls.

Beautiful, beautiful girls.

[Gus] The boxers from the neighborhood.

You know, the boxers used to come in to drink.

[clanging]

[Gus] Some good days.

So much fun.

Always laughing.

But times change, Bennie.

They change.

World keeps spinning around, Bennie.

People change. Everything changes.

[sighs]

I miss my mother.

But you got to keep going, no?

[Gus] You gotta stay strong.

Your rent goes up to 10,000 dollars.

[glass shatters]

[flame whooshes]

[tires screeching]

♪ You know my baby ♪

♪ He won't let me in ♪

♪ Got a few pennies ♪

♪ Gonna buy myself A bottle of gin ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna call My buddies ♪

♪ On the telephone and say ♪

♪ Let's go get stoned ♪

♪ Now listen ♪

♪ You know I work so hard ♪

♪ All day long ♪

♪ Everything I try to do ♪

♪ Seems to turn out wrong ♪

♪ That's why I wanna stop by ♪

♪ On my way home and say ♪

♪ Let's go get stoned ♪

Hey!

[chuckles] You remember me?

-Do you remember me? -Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Do you remember me?

No, who are you?

-You don't remember me? -No.

[Johnny] No, huh? Hey, come on.

Have a drink with me. Come here. Let me talk to you.

Let me talk to you, Stella.

♪ Don't you go down ♪

♪ And I ♪

What's the matter?

She's not good.

♪ Let's go get stoned ♪

- ♪ Let's go get stoned ♪ -♪ Oh, baby ♪

Hey!

-Come here, let's go. -[groans]

-Let's go! -[Johnny] Fuck are you doing?

-You're done. -[Johnny] I'm done?

I want your ass out of here.

I'm fucking having a good time, man.

I want your ass out of here.

-[thwacking] -[both grunting, groaning]

[thwacking]

[crowd] Whoa!

- ♪ So let's go get stoned ♪ -♪ Oh ♪

-Oh. -Hey. Ugh.

That's what we should do to them.

[Veebie] You ought to kill the motherfuckers.

-[woman 7] Take it easy. -[woman 8] Veebie, calm down.

Come on, come on, come on.

These things happen.

Okay? This is part of our daily lives.

We're in the service industry.

We've got to deal with customers and that's that, all right?

Nobody's killing anybody.

We got a club to run.

-[sighs] -Tomorrow...

is another day. Why don't we...

Why don't we get inspired?

Why don't we do something special?

Something that's gonna knock their socks off?

-[woman 7] Yes. -Huh?

-[woman 7] Yes. -Spectacular!

-[woman 7] Yes. -[thumps]

Queens of the jungle.

Excellent!

-That's a good one. -I know, I know.

The Metrodone? The Metrodone, the Metrodone.

-Oh... -Let's not get that far.

Yeah, he needs a lot of time for that.

I know it takes time.

-You wanna get that right. -It's not ready yet.

Stella, do "All of Me." Do "All of Me."

"All of Me."

"All of Me." Do "All of Me."

-I don't... -Come on!

Are you sure she's ready to be doing "All of Me"?

-No, yes, yes, yes. -Of course, she's ready.

Have some confidence. You can do that.

Veebie, you open with the, uh, flea joke,

-and then we do "All of Me." -[Veebie] Okay.

-"All of Me." -You're really gonna do...

-[woman 7] Wunderbar! -I still say, uh...

-All right, great. -Knock them dead, everybody.

You know you're a bunch of drunks, right?

A bunch of mental defectives and sexual deviants.

But you are drunks,

and our mental defectives and sexual deviants,

and we love you, goddamn it.

Now I'm saying this because it's a leap year.

I don't say this all the time.

[sighs deeply]

But you're a beautiful bunch of people.

I love you so much, I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna torture you with another joke.

This one is about the amazing Flea Flouse.

Flea Flouse got his name because a lice is a louse

and a flea is a Flouse, and we are peoplelouse.

Anyway, Flea Flouse was an aerialist

in a flee-circus, you know,

so he'd do this kind of stuff...

All day long for thirty years. One day he says,

"You know, I think it's time for me to retire."

So he goes into a travel agent's office,

and the travel agent says,

"Mr. Flouse, what can I do for you?"

He says, "I'm thinking about taking a vacation."

"That's a great idea, where are you thinking about going?"

"Well, I, uh, I read about the south of France.

I've never been there."

"South of France! That sounds great!

The French Riv. Got something for you right here.

How do you like Cannes? How does Cannes sound to you?"

He says, "Cannes, that... Sure, that sounds good."

"Well, okay. You're gonna go to Cannes

and you'll be staying in Ringo Starr's hair."

[audience laughs]

"Ringo Starr? Wow, that's...

Can I afford it?"

"Oh, yeah! We got a special on Ringo Starr this week.

None of the other Beatles are gonna be there."

He says, "It sounds good. I'll take it."

So, off he goes to Cannes.

Two days later, he comes back in.

"Mr. Flouse, what are you doing back?

I didn't expect you until next Tuesday."

"Well, you see, here's the thing.

Ringo Starr is just drumming all day

and shaking his head and, you know,

this is the kind of motion I'm trying to get away from."

"I understand, good point. I apologize.

All right, tell you what I'm gonna do.

This is what we got. Monte Carlo."

"Monte Carlo?"

"You'll be going to Monte Carlo

and you'll be staying in Omar Sharif's moustache."

"Oh. Omar Sharif? Oh, he's...

He's kinda, he's kinda elegant, that guy, huh?

But, uh, I don't know if I can afford Omar Sharif."

"Oh, no, we've got a special on Omar Sharif.

He's got a touch of phlebitis.

Not moving around too much."

"I'll take it!"

Off he flies to Monte Carlo.

Two days later... [imitates door squeaking]

Back at the travel's agent office.

"Mr. Flouse, what are you doing back so soon?"

"Well, here's the thing.

Omar Sharif, very elegant, very kind man.

But because he has a phlebitis

he's not moving around too much.

So he just sits in a chair at the casino all day and night

playing cards and smoking cigars,

and that smoke is going up the moustache

and it's fumigating me."

Nausea is a constant concern."

"I hear you, say no more. My apologies.

Tell you what I'm gonna do, and this is a sure thing.

This just came in.

Gonna send you to Nice." "Nice? That's nice."

"Yes, nice. Nice is nice.

We're gonna send you to Nice and you'll be staying

in Brigitte Bardot's muff.

Now, she calls it a nest,

but other people call it a honeycomb.

Anyway, we're gonna fly you to Nice

and you'll be staying in Brigitte Bardot's muff."

-[audience laughs] -"How does that sound to you?"

[chuckles]

"That sounds great. I'll take it."

Okay, off to Nice, he flies.

Three days later... [imitates screeching]

He's back in the travel agent's office.

"Mr. Flouse, in all my years of doing this line of work

I never had a customer so dissatisfied as you."

"But I'm not.

I wasn't.

It was beautiful.

It was the loveliest time I ever had in my whole life.

All she does is lay on the beach and read books

and nobody bothers her, and it's warm and cozy.

I even got to ride in one of her goats."

"Well, then, what brings you back so soon?"

"I don't know.

there I was in Paradise, and three days later,

I found myself back in Omar Sharif's moustache.

[audience laughing]

[percussive sting]

[Veebie] Now, ladies and gentlemen.

A lady is about to come on.

And I want you to reach down inside yourselves

as far as you can reach,

and let her know!

Let her know how much you love her!

I want to hear it all the way to the top of the mountains!

I want to hear it all the way down by the ocean!

I want you to let her know.

Will you do that for me?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Madam Stella.

♪ All of me ♪

♪ Why not take all of me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ I'm no good without you ♪

♪ Take my lips ♪

♪ I want to lose them ♪

♪ Take my arms ♪

♪ I never use them ♪

♪ Your goodbye ♪

♪ Left me with eyes that cry ♪

♪ How can I ♪

♪ Can be without you ♪

♪ You took the part ♪

♪ That once was my heart ♪

♪ So why not take all of me ♪

[Gus] Call me first. Okay.

Good. Got to go, got to go.

-What? -[envelope thuds]

[Bennie] Here's two grand for this month's rent.

That's what I owe, that's all I'm gonna pay,

and I'm not intimidated

by your amateur-hour shylock collectors.

You think I'm trying to intimidate you?

Huh?

Do you have any fucking idea

the value of that fucking property?

What do you think? I'm going to lose money

because you want to run a colorful cabaret?

This is no joke, Bennie.

You can mail me my receipt.

You are not thinking clearly.

You're not thinking clearly!

You are not thinking clearly!

[upbeat music]

♪ Liar liar with your drawers on fire ♪

♪ White spade hangin' On the telephone wire ♪

♪ Gambler reevaluate Along the dotted line ♪

♪ You'll never Recognize yourself ♪

♪ On Heartattack and Vine ♪

♪ Doctor, lawyer Beggar man, thief ♪

♪ Philly Joe Remarkable Looks on in disbelief ♪

♪ If you want a taste of madness You have to wait in line ♪

♪ You'll probably see Someone you know ♪

♪ On Heartattack and Vine ♪

♪ Boney's high on china white Shorty found a punk ♪

♪ Don't you know There ain't no devil ♪

♪ That's just Screaming Jane When he's drunk ♪

♪ Well, this stuff Will probably kill you ♪

♪ Lets do another line ♪

♪ What you say you meet me down On Heartattack and Vine ♪

You've got to be careful,

because Gus isn't fooling around anymore.

You know what? Fuck Gus, all right?

His cheap real estate.,

his fucking gentrification bullshit, okay?

What is he gonna do? What is he gonna do?

He's gonna make this, what? All Disneyland?

That's exactly what he wants to do, yeah.

Kid, it's gonna be over my dead body, huh?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[indistinct chatter]

What's going on? We're having a good time.

Hey, it's Saturday tomorrow.

Ricardo, I'll see you later.

We'll come and visit you later.

[siren wailing]

[siren continues wailing]

[sighs]

[Ray] Don't worry about it, okay?

You'll be okay.

[Ray] It's not good, boss. Warren...

He's burnt to a crisp, man.

-Burnt to a crisp. -Dead?

I tell ya. Yeah, he's fucking dead.

I told you about them guys.

[lively music]

[lively music continues]

[gunshot]

[body thuds]

-[girl shrieks] -Hey! What the fuck?

[gunshot]

[yelps]

No, no, no! Wait!

[groaning]

[grunting]

[gunshot]

[siren wailing in distance]

Veebie, I told the kid you were in a circus.

[Veebie] Yeah, I was. It was called Catapult.

-[all laugh] -There was a lot of airtime.

-Cats. -And then there was a squirrel.

The main attraction was the squirrel.

[Veebie] Yeah.

You know the story of how Zia caught the fish?

-[kid] No. -You know the sirens of the sea?

You know, they're like the pretty mermaids

and they are singing... [vocalizes]

-calling to the sailors. -[kid] Yeah?

And they drown them. They bring them down with them.

Opposite! She stands on the seashore.

[vocalizes]

The fish just go jumping out.

That's how she caught this guy right here.

-Right? -That's how I get it.

That's how you got the fish. True story.

The fish gets scared.

-You'd make jokes like that. -[all laughing]

I got a joke. You know how that fish get caught?

-[woman 8] What? -It opened its mouth.

Oh, my god.

-I'm stealing that one! -[Veebie] That's a lesson.

-That was a good one. -[all laugh]

[Bennie] You know what that means, right?

We had a monkey that lived with us one time.

[Bennie] For a year. It lived in a room.

-[Veebie] It lived in a cabana. -Lived in Ray's room with Ray.

[laughter]

Ray was very close to the monkey.

[Veebie] Oh, he loved that monkey.

-Loved that monkey. -They used to watch TV together.

[all laughing]

[woman 9] Before she was retired to the cabana.

[Ray] When I first met the monkey,

he was in a steel cage.

I broke him out of there and I put him in a crib.

And then me and him got along a little better.

He was like a little baby.

He dressed the monkey like a baby, with a bottle.

[Ray] He was in a crib, you know what I mean?

Because he could jump out and play around the house.

What did he like to watch on TV?

-[Ray] Cartoons. -Oh, yeah.

Just like a regular kid.

[woman 9] Whole another thing.

He used to do a unicycle act,

with a hat that he'd set on fire.

The craziest thing I've ever seen.

[Veebie] That's how I lost my hair.

-His name was Zero. -[Bennie] Zero the Clown.

-You know Zero the Clown? -[kid] No.

[Bennie] No? Never? He's famous.

He went zero miles per hour.

Which means, like, he went so fast,

you didn't even see him move.

[Bennie] Oh, yeah.

One day, he disappeared.

We figured he's still going somewhere.

♪ I can't give you Anything but love, baby ♪

♪ That's the only thing I've plenty of, baby ♪

♪ Dream awhile, scheme awhile ♪

♪ You're sure to find ♪

♪ Happiness and I guess ♪

♪ All those things You've always pined for ♪

♪ Gee I'd like to see you Looking swell, baby ♪

♪ Diamond bracelets Woolworth doesn't sell, baby ♪

♪ Till that lucky day I know darned well, baby ♪

♪ I can't give you Anything but love ♪

♪ I can't give you Anything but love, baby ♪

♪ That's the only thing I've got plenty of, baby ♪

♪ Dream awhile, scheme awhile ♪

♪ Someday you'll find ♪

♪ Happiness and I guess ♪

♪ All those things That you've always pined for ♪

♪ Gee, I'd like to see you Looking swell, baby ♪

♪ Diamond bracelets Woolworth doesn't sell ♪

♪ My little baby ♪

♪ Till that lucky day I know darned well, baby ♪

♪ I can't give you Anything but love ♪