All language subtitles for Anchorman.2.The.Legend.Continues.2013.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

NARRATOR: Ron Burgundy,
for years he was

the prophet San Diego turned to
for its news.

But then, like a shimmering
comet, he disappeared.

So where does the next chapter

of the legend
of Ron Burgundy begin?

It begins in a place where
all great men go

for the second act
of their life,

New York City!

(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING)

Ron Burgundy!

Your lady's got an ass that
looks like a diamond

wrapped in
hundred dollar bills.

You know there's two things
daddy likes

is diamonds and
hundred dollar bills, baby.

And white women.

Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?

Hey, when you've got an ass
like a piece of Bubblicious,

people are going to want to
stop and chew on it.

NARRATOR: It was a time
before cell phones

and when Google and Twitter were
sounds made by monkeys and babies.

RON: Chop suey.

"Chop suey, " says Choppy.

Chop suey. Hmm?

Mickey Mouse
shrieked in pain

as the bear trap
severed his right leg.

Oh! Chuck-wella.

Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy.

Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy. Orgy.

(VERONICA WHOOPING)

- Corningstone. Corningstone.
- (DOING VOCAL EXERCISES)

(IN SHRILL VOICE)
Oh, my God! Oh, no!

- (HUMMING)
- He's getting close!

(WBC NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

Oh! He died too young! Oh!

Five, four...

- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.

(MOUTHING)

Good evening.

This is the weekend edition
of WBC News at 6:30.

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Our top story tonight.

The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...

When the broadcast is over,

send these two
up to my office.

Time to make a change.

(DINGING)

Rumor has it that after
35 years of manning the helm,

Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.

- That's right.
- (EXHALES)

Do you...
Do you think we could be...

We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?

I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.

Oh, my God. That's
what's happening, isn't it?

- Do you know what this means?
- Yes, I do.

Our lives will be
changed forever.

Forever.

We can finally buy
that speed boat.

- We could.
- We could have twenty kids.

Oh. Or two.
We could have two children.

You can constantly be pregnant.

With a surrogate.

What's a surrogate?

Oh, my sweet,
mouth-breathing goon.

My lightly sautéed veal cutlet.

Oh, my giant asshole.

VERONICA: Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.

I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.

- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.

A hell of a job!

I've covered assassinations,
wars, famines, plagues.

Never good.

I have a nasty pill addiction.

You should try switching
to alcohol.

- It's really great.
- Mmm.

The point is,

this is a very demanding job.

Yes.

But I'm close to thinking that

you may have what it takes.

Now, let me look at you.

Oh, my God.

What are you?

Finnish?

Oddly enough,
I'm 90% Chicano, 10% Inuit.

None of that is true, Ron.

Well, I'm Dutch-German with
a dash of Cherokee.

I'm so nervous.

Hmm.

You can take her for
a test drive if you like.

That's a one spicy meatball,
huh!

Sorry.

All right.

We're about to make

network news history.

- Veronica.
- Yes?

You're going to be
the first female full-time

network news anchor.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh! I knew it.

And you, Mr. Burgundy...

Thank you, yes. The first
left-handed baritone.

- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?

You're fired.

Come again?

Fired.

I'm sorry,
it just didn't work out.

You don't seem sorry.

You are the worst anchorman

I have ever seen.

But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.

The injured police officer was
immediately transferred

to an amber-lance.

Amboolance.

An am... Ambrulance.

I can't say it.
You ever have that?

A word you can't get?
I have trouble with broccoli.

Broccoli has always been hard
for me to say. Broccoli.

The slain civil rights leader
was eulogized...

(SNEEZES)

Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!

That doesn't happen every day.

That's a lot of bacteria.

I'm sorry, sweetie,
you're the best. Quick kiss.

Hmm?

- (SNEEZES)
- Oh! Fuck's sake.

Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,

so I'm going to give you
the evening to think about it.

I forbid it!

You forbid it? What?
Who are you? Julius Caesar?

Who the hell is Julius Caesar?

Do you mean Dr. J.? Dr. Julius
Caesar the basketball player?

You... Oh! Be quiet.

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- WALTER: Mom?

I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.

He no go to sleep.

Christ, Lupita!
What are you doing downstairs?

Stay in your quarters.

Mommy? Daddy? Why are you
yelling at each other?

Did Dad drink too
much white wine again?

Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?

Mommy and Daddy
are just having a discussion.

No! He needs to hear this.

He's six years old.
He's a man.

Walter, listen to me.

Are you looking at me?
Walter!

Walter! Walter!

- He's looking at you, Ron.
- Okay, I can't tell.

Life isn't a fairy tale. Okay?

It's not "Let's play Candy Land
and take a three-hour dump."

It's complicated.

It's about getting a paycheck

and keeping a gun
out of your mouth.

- He is a child, Ron!
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

He's got hair on his nugs.
He's old enough to hear this.

Sometimes in life, you're
going to have to drink

a big, fat, stinking bowl
of hot, frothy horse piss!

- Am I getting through to you?
- Ron!

I don't want
to drink horse piss!

Walter, honey, it's okay.
All right.

This is some sort of metaphor
that your father is using.

It's going to be hot,
and frothy, and pungent,

and it's going to spill down
the front of your shirt...

Stop it, Ron!

People are going to be
laughing at you!

(LAUGHS) Oh, they'll
be laughing!

I don't want to drink foamy,
hot horse piss!

Oh, yes, you will.
You will gulp it down.

And then, ironically,
you'll develop a thirst

as if you were alone
in the Sahara Desert.

It'll be the only thing
on your mind.

"Got to have more horse piss."

One time, Fidel Castro made
my father drink horse piss.

Lupita, you are not helping
the situation.

Is Castro going to make me
drink horse piss?

Damn it, Ron!

It happens all over the world.

We will never, ever
make you drink hot horse piss.

I promise you that.

Listen, son, I've heard those
same exact words!

And guess what? I always
have to drink the horse piss!

He's right. I always have to
drink the horse piss.

I will lock you in a closet.

Burns your throat coming down

and it burns your keester
coming out.

I don't want
to drink horse piss!

Veronica,
here's the bottom line.

It's a very simple decision.

It's either me or the job.

It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.

Don't do this.

Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.

Me

or the job.

SEAWORLD ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome to the 3:10

Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.

Sponsored by Enron.

Enron, meeting your energy needs
now and forever.

Here's your host, Ron Burgundy.

Good afternoon, everyone.

And welcome
to world-famous SeaWorld,

here in San Diago, California.

Folks, you're going to learn
a lot about sea life today.

You're also going to learn
a lot about human despair.

And your teacher's
going to be me.

You're also going to learn
that in a pinch

you can fit an entire ham
sandwich in your butt crack.

So you can sample it because
they only give you

a 15 minute smoke break here.

Let's bring out
our world-class trainers here,

Jesse and Paula.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you, Ron.

I'd like to train you
two lil' honeys how to give me

a world class spanking.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know there's no
drinking on the job, Ron.

I'm aware of that, Missy.

There's also another rule
here at Sea World,

no being a bitch on the job.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SOBBING)

Okay.

So, let's say hello
to the stars of the show,

Chippy and Roo-roo!

RON: The rat of the ocean,
the dolphin.

Ooh!

Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!

Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.

- (CLEARING THROAT)
- (DOLPHIN CLICKING)

What did you say?

Oh, really? You're a big man.

You want to go?
I'll punch you in the face.

He said he was going to
punch a dolphin.

- You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
- Boo!

Hey, you want to see
the other dolphin show?

It's right here in my pants.

Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!

Go ahead, yell all you want!

Unhand me, you buffoons!
(GRUNTS)

All right, first, you gave a
gin and tonic

to the sea otters

and then you stuck your dick
in the sea anemone display.

You're fired,
you washed-up drunk!

Guess what, Trevor?

Every morning I get here
early

and rub my private parts
with a sea cucumber.

(GRUNTS)

This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.

(BARKING)

I don't know if I'll vacate my bowels.

It's the only time
I've ever hung myself.

It's too late, Baxter.

(BARKING)

My final words?

Tell the people that I said...

"Firetruck."
Ack. I'm drawing a blank.

(BARKING)

It's okay, you're a dog.

People won't expect you
to remember it word for word.

Goodbye,
my sweet hairy prince.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Evonne Goolagong's
feminine napkin!

Uh, Mr. Burgundy?

Hello, I... Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

Um... Um...

I tried to hang myself?

Because my life's a mess?

And I saw no other option?

I think
you're telling the truth,

but why are you saying it
like you're lying?

Because you're a stranger.

And I don't want you
to judge me.

Yeah, but...

It happened right before you
walked in. You missed it.

Oh, well.
'Cause it happened. Yeah.

So...

RON: Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.

I'm telling you,
suicide makes you hungry,

I don't care what anyone says.

My name is Freddie Shapp,

and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.

We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.

First of its kind!

GNN. The Global News Network.

(LAUGHING)

That is, without a doubt,

the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

You mean news going 24 hours
around the clock?

A channel that's never off,
in other words?

- Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours.
- (LAUGHING)

Freddie Shapp,
you are a fucking idiot.

Mr. Burgundy, I assure you

we are 100% for real.

We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.

And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire

and owner of Koala Airlines.

I saw Kench Allenby play
at the Bob Hope Classic.

He hit a wedge from
130 out,

he put it on the head of a quarter.

That guy can play.

He's funding the whole
network. He believes in it.

Here.

This is your
first week's salary.

By the oversized nipples
of Della Reese!

We've got a whole news team
ready for you.

Sports, weather and a
top-notch investigative reporter.

This is a young guy
I never heard of. Bob Costas.

This guy, we'll get
his gap fixed, Letterman.

And Jennings. He's a young
kid, but they're hungry.

I don't think you understand,
Freddie.

When my wife turned
her back on me

by letting me turn my back on
her for fulfilling her dreams,

I knew the news game
was over for me.

No. You were put on this Earth
by God Almighty

to be a news man.

How dare you think about
depriving the people of that?

The Ron Burgundy I used to
love to watch on TV,

he wouldn't take this
lying down.

What do you say, Ron?

I'll take the job.

And I swear to you
I'll be number one again.

I'll get my son back,
I'll restore my reputation

and make things right
with Veronica.

But more importantly,

I'll do what God put me
on this Earth to do.

Be famous.

Ron... You've made my day.

I won't be using these
jerk offs, though.

I've got the best damn
news team in the world.

- Your call.
- I just have to find them.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.

Last I heard,
Champ Kind was fired

for being drunk on the air
and saying that Asians

can't play baseball 'cause
they're always squinting.

- (BAXTER BARKING)
- (LAUGHS)

- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!

Delicious chicken
swing on through

Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!

I'm local San Diego legend
Champ Kind,

and I believe in two things:

Good chicken, and that
if Jesus had a sidearm

he wouldn't have
been crucified.

So swing on by
and grab a wing.

'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"

BYOL.
Bring your own liquor.

All right, there you go.

One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.

There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.

My gosh,
let me take care of that.

Get out of here before

I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!

If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!

You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.

Ron? Ron Burgundy?

- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?

God, I have longed for you.

- It's good to see you, too.
- Oh, this feels like home.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.

Okay, let's break
the huddle here, huh?

Okay. All right.

You get back here! Oh!

Don't be weird!

So, Harken sits me down
to have a man to man.

I really don't remember
much of it.

I was told later, I guess
I took a swing at him.

I had a knife in my pocket,
he got stabbed pretty deep.

I set a fire somewhere.

There was
something dripping on me,

now I got this nasty
head wound.

Turned out, I guess, I got in
a fight with some of the crew.

Okay.

Anyway, I was pretty insistent
I got on the air,

but as you can understand,
Ed had to let me go.

His hands were tied
in that situation.

Fortunately,
on the way out the door,

I fake a work injury.

With the settlement,
I bought this place.

Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.

Listen, can I ask you
a question?

Sure. Anything.

Is... Is this chicken?

Oh, hell, no.

It's really impossible
to turn a profit

if you serve real chicken.

- Yeah. We use mainly bats.
- What?

Yeah.
But the good quality kind.

That's the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.

Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?

So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?

Yep.

Can I ask you, is there
a recipe for the seasoning?

The seasoning's the great
secret, we use road salt

and ashes from
a crematorium.

- Aw, Champ.
- It's crazy good.

It's crazy wrong.

If you don't like that,
you don't even want to know

what the French fries
are made out of.

You're sure as hell right.

- I'm going to tell you anyway.
- Please don't.

Worms, grubs and camel feces
as a binding agent.

This is a horror show.

Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it.

I'm not going to bite
into a fried bat.

- It's delicious.
- It's all tendon. Look at it.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Was that a bat?

One gets loose
about once a week.

Hey, what brings
you here, Ron?

My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.

Whammy!

That's the best news
I've heard since I found out

you can get high
off insect repellent.

You've got yourself
a sportscaster.

Oh, great.

Denny!

Lock up!

Any idea where
Brian Fantana is?

You haven't heard?

Fantana hit the big time.

Oh, yeah, you're a dirty
little thing, aren't you?

Yeah, that's it.
Just play around.

Roll around
like you're on the bed.

Hey, I'm not here.
No one's here. You're alone.

Do what you do
when you're alone.

What's going on? What is this?

What are these
balls in my face? That's it.

What are these
giant balls in my face?

Yeah, play with them.
Swat them around.

That's it. I'm not here.
None of us are here.

Do your thing. That's it.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

You're not getting
any better than that.

- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Brian, you have any time
for the little people?

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?

Hey!

- Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!

No, but what I have found is
that, you know, you give a cat

a lot of Amaretto, strangely
enough,

and they'll sit still for quite a while.

Oh, hey, look at this one,
this one's great.

The experience of shooting
that one was transcendent.

So much so
that I can confidently

look into the eyes
of any woman and say,

"You know what, I know
what childbirth is like."

And I bet you a woman would
like to hear that.

Look at that little guy
in the fish bowl.

I gotta say, it's really great
and, of course,

it's just so funny.

Yeah. Sad ending
to this one though.

Poor little guy snapped his neck

when I was trying to get him
out of the fish bowl.

Stupid. I used tongs.
Salad tongs.

I don't know why I
didn't just use my hand.

Seems like you could've just
tipped the jar on its side

and let him crawl out
on his own leisure.

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.

You know they call cats

chicken of
the freeway underpass.

- What?
- Don't indulge him.

I never heard that.

Not a lot of bones in cats.

You could probably
just get right at it.

You need to stop, my friend.

We don't eat cats around these
parts, Champ.

(LAUGHS)
That's a blast.

And this one's coming out
today. Cat Fancy magazine.

But not just the magazine.
In church rec rooms,

school binders, everywhere.

It's the biggest launch
we've ever had.

So why are you guys here,
anyway?

Well, Brian,

we're getting the news team
back together again.

Really?

And, of course, we want
to know if you'll join us.

Jeez, I don't know.

I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...

I don't know if I can.

I get it. Christ.

You're the Akira Kurosawa
of cat photographers.

Why would you leave all this?

Brian! Brian!

The cover's out!

Oh, okay.

Oh.

This, uh, this is not good.

It's a typo.

Uh-oh.

I have to point out that
technically speaking

a pussy is a cat.

- I know.
- That's true.

But I never spend $100
on a lobster dinner

for a kitty cat.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, no! We're all going to die!

Thanks, Champ.

Whoo!

I'm not used to driving
these multi-axle vehicles.

The question still remains...

Where's Brick Tamland?

Oh. You guys didn't hear?

No, what happened?

Brick's...

Dead.

BRIAN: Brick was lost at sea

- about a year ago.
- RON: Oh.

Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.

He never came back.

- (PEOPLE SOBBING)
- We all loved Brick.

Sweet Brick.

One time he introduced me
to his parents

who were clearly younger
than him.

Skip and Donna Tamland.

- They were teenagers.
- And they were Asian.

Yes, they were.

He'll long be remembered and
he'll be sorely missed.

(SIGHS)

Thank you, Reverend.

- Oh.
- Oh, come on!

(SCOFFS) Really?

Brick loved to put
his feet into pita bread

because they're like socks
except you can eat them.

What?

It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone. (SOBS)

(SOBBING) I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.

You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.

(SHOUTS) Why? Why?

Why did you take him from us?

You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.

Brick is dead!

- CHAMP: No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!

- Look at him!
- He's not dead.

He's not dead, Brick.
You're not dead.

- You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!

He's dead!

No! You are Brick!
Touch yourself.

- I am Brick?
- ALL: Yes!

- I'm alive?
- ALL: Yes!

- (LAUGHING JOYFULLY)
- ED: Of course.

Of course you are.

You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.

I went to pet the bird
but it was fast.

So I kept swimming.

After a week I landed in
an island called Aloha.

Moses on a Vespa.

He swam all the way to Hawaii.

I married a lady

and people paid me
to catch bad guys

who didn't go to court.

You were a bounty hunter in
Hawaii for the past year?

Yes. I was a bangy hunger in Y
past gear...

You've got a Hawaiian wife?

Yes, her name's Lanai.
We have six kids.

Six kids, you were only
gone a year?

(LAUGHS)
I'm a bangy hunger.

You can be a diaper salesman
in Duluth for all I care.

It's just great to get the news team
back together again.

Hot damn.

(ANCHORMEN LAUGHING)

RON: Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?

And we took that
helicopter tour

and Brick said,
"I wish I could fly."

And we said, "Why don't
you try?" Boom.

I couldn't fly!

He was flapping his arms
the whole way down.

I ruptured my pancreas.

Remember the time I took
Champ's mom to the hospital

and then we hit it off
and I gave her gonorrhea?

Champ's mom got the clap.

- Oh, my God.
- She was pissed.

Fantana's a dirty dog.

I'll tell you something,
she was 78

but she didn't
look a day over 74.

Get rid of the walker
and the eye patch,

I'll tell you,
she ain't bad looking.

Good to go.

Best part of it all,
she actually fell in love with Brian.

- Aw. How is she doing?
- She died yesterday.

Oh, that stinks.
Tell her I said "hi."

Well, I can't because
she's dead now.

- Oh, "dead" dead.
- Dead.

- Oh.
- She passed away.

Gonorrhea?

(LAUGHING)

CHAMP:
You don't die from gonorrhea.

You suffer quite a bit.

Here's the real kicker,

and you guys
are going to lose it.

Do you know
what her last words were?

"Tell Brian I always
loved him."

(LAUGHING)

Oh.
Well, tell her I said hi.

No, I can't.
She's not alive.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about the time
when I was born

and I came out of the vagina?

And I was screaming,

"Here I come.
Oh. Here I come, Mom."

How could we, Brick,
we weren't there.

We're telling stories
involving

the entire news team
from the past.

Oh, what about the time
when we were in the Binewago

and Ron told me that I wasn't
telling the story right?

There you go.
That's pretty good.

- That was about all of us.
- Not really.

Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!

Ron,

Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!

- (BARKING)
- (LAUGHING)

He's naked.

Hey, Ron, who's driving?

Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.

Who wants some
chimichangas, huh?

Best thing I ever did
was install

this deep fryer in the 'bago.

Hey, Ron. Cruise control
just regulates speed,

it doesn't steer.

- Come again?
- Oh!

(HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm!

(SCREAMING)

RON: Is that a pool of blood
or urine I'm in?

(ALL LAUGHING)

These are the guys you hired?

Hey, Freddie!
Pardon the appearance.

Quick tip: never put a
deep fryer in your Winnebago.

No, no, Brick. No.
There we go.

Here we are. Welcome to GNN.

I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?

Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,

everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.

We've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.

There's Curtis Knightfish
from Houston.

Oh, Curtis Knightfish.

They don't get
any better than that.

One night Knightfish and I
got so drunk

we drank the fluid from six
Magic 8 Balls.

Never got the answer.

You had to go to the hospital
for that, right?

Oh, yeah,
I lost a kidney.

FREDDIE: There's Diane Yahwea
from Carson City.

You know what they call her?
"All the Way Yahwea."

Yeah!
She won a Pulitzer.

And the best in the biz.
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.

Rumor is Allenby is giving him
one mil a year.

That's crazy. Who's worth
that kind of money?

RON: Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!

I betcha that brother
bags a lot of p.

- I'd like to pee on him.
- Mmm. Yeah.

Wait. What?

Huh?

I bet the inside of his mouth
is even beautiful.

Can I help you, guy?

(STAMMERS) What was that?

I said, "Can I help you, guy?"

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
What do you mean?

Well, you're staring at me,
hotshot.

- Do you want my autograph?
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

No, he was just explaining

who you were
and I was looking at you.

And then he said something

and I was still
looking at you.

(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Jack Lime is a great man!

(LAUGHING)

Is that what I sound like
when I talk?

(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I guess that's funny. I mean...

- That is you.
- I sometimes sound like that, I guess.

Hey, slugger!

What's feeding time
for that mustache of yours?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Brick, what are you doing
laughing over there?

- Get back over here.
- Get over here.

BRIAN: Come on, Brick.

So, anyways, that's Jack Lime.

Come on, guys.
Let's go meet the boss.

FREDDIE: We'll have
separate cameras

for you, and then sports
and then weather.

Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?

Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.

She's tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.

Oh, hey, Linda!

I want to introduce you
to Ron Burgundy.

Linda Jackson.
How are you, my friend?

FREDDIE: Ron.

This is Linda Jackson.

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Oh. Uh...

Black.

Black.

Black.

You're choking on something.

I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know
why I can't stop saying...

Black. The word "black."

Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Black.

Black.

- Black.
- Black.

Stop saying "black."

If I keep my mouth open,
I just won't say it.

Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?

- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.

Hey, Donna.
Make the coffee black.

- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.

LINDA: Please be seated.

Can you take a seat on
the sofa?

Come on, guys,
it's not preschool.

Sit on the furniture. They were
trying to be deferential, I think.

Great. So I know
that all of you are aware

that the news community
is laughing

at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.

But that is why they
brought me in.

Listen, I feel like
I need to clear the air.

Oh, please don't.

I want you to know, on behalf
of the news team,

we are huge supporters of all

African and Americans.

I like lions.
But not to touch.

I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.

It's African-American.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...

Ron... (CHUCKLES)

- Fish and chips?
- African 'n' American?

Like an "n" with
an apostrophe?

Please just stop it.

Linda, guess what movie
I watch every Christmas?

Little Darlings
with Kristy McNichol?

Six Pack
starring Kenny Rogers?

A modern classic.

Carrot.

Carrot? I'm not familiar
with that film.

It's really, really good.

I put on my comfy slippers and
pour myself a cup of nog

and watch The Wiz.

Judy Garland who? The Wiz
makes the real Wizard of Oz

its bitch.

Hey, we're all the same color
on the inside. Pink.

With a little bit of brown and
a little bit of white.

Milky yellow.

Look, I don't care what color
you are,

black, green, yellow,
brown...

Just as long as you act white.

Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.

A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.

Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.

I call him Leon.

He's about half
as tall as I am

depending on what
time of day it is.

He likes to play
the timpani

and he is
a water-colorist.

What happens to him
when it gets cloudy outside?

Leon goes away.

It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.

Shut your damn mouths!
Sit down!

What's he doing?

I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.

Is he all right?

Do you have a red umbrella
or a kitten?

No.

Something soft and squishy?

No.

CHAMP: Brick, get up, we're
going to watch Carrot.

Yeah, Brick,
do you want to watch Carrot?

Carrot's on?

That's all it takes.

- Is this for real, Freddie?
- Linda, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay! It's okay.

So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.

Is it freaking you out?

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Yes, we're feeling
uncomfortable.

This freaking you out?

Just take my wallet.

I don't give a shit!

We're not all here to hold
hands and sing Kumbaya.

So as long as
you guys get numbers,

we are gonna
get along just fine.

Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.

And unpleasant, you dig?

Oh, I dig.

What does that mean?

Could be a dance.

We dig.
We're no jive turkeys.

Yup, we dig it.

Well, if you gentlemen will
please excuse yourselves,

I'm going to fry me
some hush puppies

and do me a
little dance

and go hang out with
my boyfriend,

the basketball player who
has a humongous donkey.

We hope you two have a
wonderful time.

That was a joke.

Huh.

(LAUGHING)

Of course it was!

I knew it. I knew
she was joking.

Get out.

What team do you think the
fella plays for?

No, no, she was kidding.
She made it clear.

That's why I made
jokes about us.

Guys. Guys,
I got you an apartment

on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.

That's wonderful! When
do we begin our broadcast?

Well, the big launch
is tomorrow

- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.

You guys are slotted for the
2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.

What?
That's the graveyard shift!

"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

This is a real shocker,
Freddie.

Hey, after that meeting,

you're lucky
you weren't fired!

You wouldn't
stop saying the word black.

I'm of the right mind to march
right back in there and ask

for a different time slot.

- That's a good idea.
- Okay, okay.

I'll let you go in if
you can just not say black.

- Black. Nope.
- See.

- She did it too.
- She did what?

A two-way street.

Yeah, double-edged sword here.

It's a two-way
double-edged sword.

It's only one way.

- That clears it up.
- Great.

Let's get your keys. Come on!

(PHONE RINGING)

RON: Is there booze
in the apartment?

FREDDIE: Of course
there's gonna be booze.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

What are you doing, Chani?
Answer it!

Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.

Your job is to
answer the phones.

I'm getting ready
for Secret Santa.

When is that again?

It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks.

One time I threw a pool ball
as hard as I could,

straight up into the air,
and then forgot I threw it.

I started to eat a tomato from
my back pocket,

then the pool ball came down
and hit me in the head.

It hurt so much
I ran around screaming,

"Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no!"

I love stories about France.

I love stories where skeletons
play the piano.

I'm Brick.
I was dead last week.

I'm Chani.

I like the parts of your face

that are covered with skin.

Your hair looks like wet
popcorn in a fishing net.

I just get out of the shower
and burn it a little.

Can you do this?

That's good.

- I liked this.
- Me too.

- What we did.
- Yeah?

- You.
- And you.

You're very pretty.

Come on, Brick.

(PHONE RINGING)

Damn it, Chani! I'm not
picking up that phone again.

You pick it up!

- You pick it up, Chani!
- No.

Chani, not today. No,
not today, Chani.

- It's been a tough day.
- ...really crazy day.

For everybody.

- I think I'm pregnant.
- No. You're not pregnant.

You said it a number of times.
I don't think it's true.

- My water broke.
- No, it didn't.

You spilled water
from that glass on the ground.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Chani.

Okay, from here on out,
starting now,

when the phone rings, you pick
up the phone. You say hello.

Hello.
I'm going to transfer you.

It didn't ring that time,
Chani. Nobody was there.

Nobody was there.

Surprise! Big Daddy's back.

Ron.

What are you doing here?

I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.

I really wish that
you would have called first.

Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?

I was stubborn.

You were all slutty
with Mack Tannen

slinging your ass around
in that office.

I played it with calm,
cool integrity.

But who cares?
We're not keeping score.

What's your point, Ron?

The point is...

(SIGHS) I'm back home.

And I want to spend
the rest of my life...

MAN: Honey, who is it?

Hi, Ron.
I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.

It's okay. It's the '80s.

She's your ex. She's my lover.

Let's go inside.

Why are you smiling so much?

Because I'm happy.
Because we're lovers.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

No one's that happy.

- Would you like to come in?
- Do you want to come in?

Great. And I have no problem
with your situation.

So, is that a gift for me, Ron?

No, it's not.

It's for Walter.

Okay.

So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?

Ron. You walked out on me.
What did you expect me to do?

Just sit here and
wait for you to come back?

Here's a news flash. You would
have been waiting for

the rest of your life
because we are done.

All right. Good.

In fact,
I've a got a new lover.

Oh, what's her name?

- Oh, oh, my lady?
- Mm-hmm.

Her name is, uh...
Her name's Rick Volcano.

Really? Her name's Rick Volcano?

Yes, she's from Easter Island!

- Oh.
- Okay.

Ron, this is awkward I know.

Sitting here with your wife.
We make love.

I'm this close to taking an ax
handle to that face of yours.

Oh, Ron!

So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?

Have you done
a background check on him?

Gary is actually one
of the most successful

psychologists in
all of Manhattan, Ron.

Really sweet.

Are you reading
my mind right now?

Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?

Yes. Yes, I do, Gary.

You perform in nightclubs
with a dummy on your lap.

You make his mouth move.
You're so believable.

Actually I have
respect for your talent.

I don't know how you do it

because you're talking out
of the side of your mouth

and yet it sounds
like the dummy's...

You bring that dummy to life.

Do you really think that a
psychologist

is a ventriloquist?

Fuck you.

(GASPS) Ron!

GARY: It's okay.
VERONICA: You stop that!

He's externalizing.
That's okay.

- No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.

You knew I was going
to throw that punch

'cause you're reading my mind!

(DOOR OPENS)

Mom! I'm home!

- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.

- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.

I missed you!

Walter, your father
has a gift for you.

I have a gift
specifically for you, Walter.

There's a little card on there.
Do you want to read it, kiddo?

Yes. Show us how well you're
doing in school.

"To my dearest sex angel."

Okay, I actually believe that
that's for me.

Hold on. Let the boy finish.

- Ron.
- There's more.

"I long once again to be
intertwined in your limbs.

"Exchanging hot breath
with you.

"I want to have
another child with you."

Mom, I didn't know
little boys could have babies.

No, darling. I believe that
letter was for someone else.

Go ahead, open up your gift.

There you go.

Yes, Gary.

Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.

No, it's not. It's for Walter.
It's a superhero costume.

What is it?

It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.

I'm going to be Lace Man!

Look, Ron.
Joint custody isn't easy.

But what we need to do is

rally around this little guy
right now, okay?

That's never gonna happen.

- Oh...
- Excuse me?

RON: Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!

VERONICA: Need I remind you, Ron,

that you tried to put
our six-year-old son on welfare?

He's a perfect applicant!

He's unemployed. If it wasn't
for us he'd be homeless.

Do you ever hear yourself?

All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.

It's bad enough his mother
pulled a train on KISS.

- I was in college!
- Get your things! Let's go.

Fine. I'm out of here.

- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.

- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.

Goodbye, Dad!
Thanks for the present.

Goodbye, Walter.
My little man.

You promise to do good
in school, okay.

Okay.

And stay away from the he-shes
down in the Bowery.

Ron. I don't think
that's appropriate.

I'll tell you, those fellas,
they got the looks,

they got curves,
they got the chi-chi's,

they smell great,

and then at some point
in the evening you realize

Jacqueline isn't Jacqueline,
she's a Jake.

Okay.

Then you got a decision.

You're either going to be rude
or belly up to the bar

for a couple of more belts
and make the best of it.

Do you hear what I'm saying,
Walter?

Yes, I do.

FREDDIE: Plug it in, Scotty,
let it go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are officially connected
to the world!

Wow!

Look at all those other
countries and people...

Makes you feel small.

Hundreds of thousands
of people,

all speaking jibber-jabber,

not understanding a word of each other,

yet somehow interconnected.

It's a big world!

It's a big world

Much, much bigger
than you'd ever think

It's a big world

Full of cities, mountains
and lots of different stinks

There's brown people
White people

- Yellows
- Even reds!

A thousand ways for
the word donut to be said

- There's tacos, sushi
- Chop suey, pita bread

Big world
Big world

Anyone who says it's small
should be kicked in the head!

There's karate people!

Big world!

Scarfy headed ladies

Big world

Ladies having private time

- Big world
- (SCREAMS)

A skinny guy!

Big world

Wait a minute.
You're not black or Asian.

What are you?

I'm gay.

Hey! You forgot to whisper.

I'm not hiding it.
I'm openly gay.

"Openly gay"? I'm not familiar
with that term.

I'm not ashamed
of who I am and

I decided to tell everyone.

I'm having a hard time wrapping
my head around this one.

Do you eat gay food?

What's the gayest food
you can name?

Kiwis.

- Do you sleep in a coffin?
- No, that's vampires.

Are you allowed to be
out in the sun?

- Those are also vampires.
- Are you a vampire?

No, I'm gay.

If someone puts a pill in your
drink, can they turn you gay?

Maybe temporarily.

Where do you get those pills?

I wonder what it'd be like to
be gay... Just for a day?

If I was gay for a day

There's nothing
I wouldn't say

That's the gay way

If I was gay for a day
I'd go all the way

With guys

That's the gay way

I'd wear a cowboy hat
A nice three-piece suit

I'd talk about sports
and have a nice drink

Champ. That's kind of
what you do now.

That's the gay way

If I was gay for a day
I'd get bitten by a spider

And then I would have
the powers of that spider

I'd climb walls
I'd shoot web from my wrists

And I'd save
the girl in distress

Gay! Gay! Gay!

I think he thinks
gay means being Spider-Man.

Hmm.

I don't know how you would
confuse those two things.

It's a big world
Big world

Much bigger than you think

Big, big, big, big, big, big
big, big, big, big, big

Big, big...

World

Launch in five! Let's get back to work.

- Better go check the AP wire.
- Yeah. Haven't got much time.

CHAMP: I'm gonna check
the box scores.

(SIGHS) There's Lime!

Look at him.
He's a goddamn prince!

Man, there's just something
about him, you know?

I'd give anything
to be friends with him.

I don't see what
the big deal is, you know.

He's not that great.

What did you say?

What's that?

I heard you say something.

Oh.

Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.

Oh, no.
I heard you say something.

He said you're not that great!

Brick!

Is that what you said
about me?

- He's coming over here.
- I know!

I'm gonna rip this guy
in half.

No, no, no! Just give me
a little piece of him.

Uh, Jack, look, it's just...

Here's the thing, the guys,
they just go gaga over you

and, uh, I don't know,
I felt jealous.

Yeah, tough guy.

You feeling tough today, huh?
Are you a big man?

Oh, I'm not a big man.

Look, I said some stupid stuff
and it'll never happen again.

Oh, my God,
are you going to cry?

Huh?

You're going to cry.

He's going to cry. Everyone,
look at his face! Am I wrong?

He's going to cry, isn't he?

No, I'm not about to cry.

Oh, come on, cry! Do it!
Do it, please do it! Cry.

- Are you going to cry, Ron?
- No!

(CHANTING)
Cry! Cry! Cry!

Man, oh, man, I'm so happy
he's not picking on me.

3, 2, 1, cry! 3, 2, 1, cry!

Shut up!
Just shut up!

Just shut your mouth...
Jack Lame!

Ooh.

Yeah, Mr. Butt Vagina has
got some fight in him.

This is bullying
and everyone knows it!

You just called him Jack Lame.
That's not nice.

He just called me Butt Vagina!

It's funny, aren't you the guy
who lost his job to his wife?

ALL: Ooh!

Shouldn't you be
doing her makeup?

(SCREAMING)

All right, guys,
that's enough.

No, shut up, Freddie!

Let me handle this one.

- You listen to me.
- Yeah.

I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm sorry. I'm trying to
keep it together.

No, no, no. Don't do this.
You're on at 2:00 a.m.

Jack has prime time!

Maybe... No.
Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.

I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?

If we lose,
I'll leave New York.

And I'll never read the news again.

ALL: Ooh!

Stop going "Ooh."

And if by some snowball's
chance in hell

Mr. Mustache here

pulls a miracle
out of his ass?

You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.

(CHUCKLES) I like this!
You're on, Stretch.

Everyone heard him?

- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.

- This is on like Pong.
- RON: Okay. Good.

(CROWD WHOOPING)

Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?

We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!

- Cry! Cry! Cry! Cry!
- Brick.

Everyone did it.
It's actually a mean thing.

Good day, everyone! Well, yeah,
I'm Kench Allenby.

But this 24-hour news station,
this is history.

This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.

In the case of Australia,
my motherland,

mad rapists and thieves

being dragged to some
devil island in chains.

Getting homesick.

But our captain on this
incredible voyage

is the best newsman in
America, Mr. Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack!

- Didgeridoo!
- He's such an Aussie.

I love this guy.

You know this bloke here, he
is the best man I've ever met.

And you know,
as I've always said,

if Jack Lime doesn't like you,
well then, brother,

you're a real piece of shit.

Good luck to Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!

Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Getting nervous there,
compadre?

Let's do this.

Did you see him spin
on that desk? So great.

All right.
Quiet on the floor, please.

What a day.

I bit into the donut
and it was full of shit.

(SHUSHING)

All right.

All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.

In five, four,

three, two...

JACK: Good day,
and welcome to GNN.

Thank you for joining us
on what we believe to be

a whole new era of news.

I'm Jack Lime, your guide
for this journey of events

we humbly call

24-hour news.

Today's top story,
Mount St. Helens.

Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.

Really? Just remember you said that
about margarine, Tony.

Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...

That Jack Lime is
one hell of an anchor.

He actually slept with two of
my daughters but he is good.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,

"alarm climate scientists."
Boring.

"China could dominate

"the world economy
in the next decade."

We run that story and you'll
be hungry a half hour later.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyone else?

I got some nonsense here about
the Iran Hostage Crisis.

I feel like a nap.

What's this? Save 12 cents on
macaroni and cheddar dinner.

(GROANS)

Brick, I believe
that's a coupon.

I think I've got a really good
story here, guys.

"During my mid-morning bath

"I could feel the gardener's
gaze upon me

"through the open
bathroom window."

But that's Penthouse Forum.

You just interrupted him!

It's a really
good story, Freddie.

It's not news.

ALL: It's news to me.

Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.

All we're trying to do here, Freddie,
is make the news less boring,

and you act like we took
a runny dump

in your fishing boots.

The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that made
this stupid bet!

I just don't know why
we have to tell the people

what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

Tell them want ear.
Feed to ear.

No, I was talking to Ron.

I said, why do we have
to tell the people

what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

And what do
they want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.

- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.

And we should
do stories on patriots.

Diet fads or
favorite Halloween costumes.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious
investigative pieces,

about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.

And only the
best sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the wind!

Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.

Tornados, earthquakes, floods,

we'll throw Brick
right in the middle of it.

No, this goes
against every rule

of broadcast journalism
I know.

Freddie, my old friend
Pat Summerall once told me,

"You've got to break a
few eggs

"when you're swinging a
sledge hammer

"down at the bus station."

Damn straight!
Let's break stuff!

We got 10 hours till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

- Is that candy?
- I don't know.

(COUGHS)

It is candy.

- I like you.
- I like you.

Tell me something about you.

Well, I never have to
get a haircut

because my hair
naturally sheds.

I can throw a football
110 yards in the air

and catch it.

When I expel gas
it wiffles or waffles,

I call it a farg.

What about you?

My name is Chani Lastnamé.

I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I believe in romance.

I am related to a puppet.

If you wanted me to, I would
grow a beard by tomorrow.

Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was
I gonna get them to you?

You hand them to me.

Oh.

You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,

and that is not
an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

- Well, Chani, I'm telling the truth.
- (GROWLING)

Sir.

Get your filthy hands
off of her!

- (SCREAMS)
- Help, help!

My phone messages!

- Leave me alone, lady!
- Not today!

She has rainbow lasers
coming out of her eyes.

Chani, I can see you behind
that desk and you're fired!

Why?

(HISSES)

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying
to murder me.

Sometimes it takes one man to
stand up and reclaim the city

and, in doing so, the streets
are red with blood.

When you're around I get
hot swirls in my pantyhose.

And my dangle-down presses
against my zipper.

(BOTH HUM)

Can we go to a date?

(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.

(BOTH WHIMPER)

It's okay, Ronny,
you got this. Piece of cake.

The only thing is everything's
at stake here.

Your career, your child,
literally everything.

You got it though.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, did you hear?

Evan said there's some
strange copy in the prompter.

If I gave a shit I'd call
someone. But I don't...

So let's go.

NARRATOR: Ron Burgundy
and his news team

had made a few groundbreaking
discoveries through the years.

They had invented the bread bowl

and laminated porn mags.

But the new brand of news,
or info-tainment,

they were about to unleash,

would forever change history.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m.
Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is

America. She's the greatest
country in the world.

Heck,
the history of the world!

God bless America!

For starters, we kick butt.

Nazi butt. Russian butt.
You show us a butt

and we take the boot to it.

If you like to whine and bitch
about all the things

wrong with America,

go swim your ass across
the Atlantic Ocean to China!

That is one handsome devil.

Indeed.

Some experts say silicone
breast implants are dangerous,

unhealthy and degrading
to women,

I say, in my most
journalistic way I can,

bring on the fun bags.

Now, Brian, I read somewhere

that the early prototypes
of the breast implant

were actually filled with
taco meat.

Well, I don't know,
I don't know the specifics

but I do know they
are still testing

with all sorts of material.

Pudding, whipped cream...

Tuna fish.

Nickels.

Okay, if you wanted
a heavier breast.

I like the news!

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

(REPEATING) Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're answering
the question,

so I think you can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think
there is any danger

to the average person
out there?

I'm afraid that this wind
is so strong

that babies are going to be

ripped out of
their mother's arms

and be into the lion cages.

Sounds horrifying!
Well, there you have it.

Mother Nature can be
a stone cold killer!

What the hell was that?

Freddie loaded it.
I just hit it on cue.

It's kinda cool.

And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,

it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,

have found
the cutest little patriot

on God's green earth.

(RON LAUGHING)

Look at that little guy!

So funny and so adorable.

Well, for all of us here
at GNN, I'm Ron Burgundy.

Stay classy

and stay strong, America.

FREDDIE: And we're out!

Wow! (LAUGHS)

I couldn't take my eyes

- off the screen!
- Yes.

You were electric, Ron!
Whammy!

That just felt right!
That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.

Everyone did.
Wonderful.

BRIAN: Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Linda.

We were just
trying something new.

You changed the format
of the entire show

without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister.

We just done went
and brought it!

Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.

If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.

Oh. Oh, really?
Well, go ahead!

Take a swing!
Take your best shot!

Huh?
I have five brothers,

and two of them are defensive
backs in NFL, so come on!

- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.

This thing's
not gonna feel good.

I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody!

Ron, just do what men have
been doing

for thousands of years

and punch the woman.

Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!

(GRUNTING)

Ron! No!

(GRUNTING)

I didn't do it! Get off me!

(SQUEALING)

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

(HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING)

What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!

(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)

BRIAN: You sound like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

My binky. I need my binky.

Get him his goddamn binky!

Security!

Hey! Get him out of here!

And you know what, you too, Freddie!

I thought you were more
professional than this.

Is this because I'm white?

It's not because you're white,
it's because you suck!

I know exactly what apartheid
feels like!

(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

KENCH: Bugger me
with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd struggle to start,

but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.

AD SALES GUY: Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved
our whole launch.

Spike?
What are you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no,
this can't be right.

His team start at a 0.2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable! They
tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible?

Well, guys,
it goes without saying,

I owe you gentlemen
an apology.

I dragged you out here
and this thing

was a disaster
from the word "Go."

No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Champ, my friend,
what's in store for you?

Well, my doctor's been at me
to get another liver transplant.

Champ,
how many liver transplants

does that make now?

This will be the fourth one.

Champ deep fried the other three
and served them at his restaurant.

You know I did.
(LAUGHING)

And what about you, Brick?

What's next for the great
Brick Tamland?

I am going to win the Olympics.

Well, I highly doubt you're going
to compete in the Olympics.

If you were though, what sport?

The kicking.

The Olympic sport of kicking?

Maybe that's brand new.

What about you, Ron? What do
you think you're going to do?

I've got some exciting
investment opportunities

I'm going to look into.

It's funny, I got a call the
other day from some clowns

who are trying
to start up a business

where they take water and put
it in little plastic bottles,

regular water, okay,
nothing special about it.

They put it in plastic bottles

and they're going to sell it
for a dollar.

A dollar a bottle.

If you get a call
from Fred and Gina Sparkletts,

run for the hills.

(BARKING)

Uh...

Guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear

- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.

You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN wants you back.

For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.

What's your deal, Freddie?
Quit yanking our crotch hoses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went through the roof.

People love what you did.

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!

By the back acne of Brett Somers!

It's total crap

- and they can't stop watching!
- (ALL CHEERING)

NARRATOR: The news team
had been famous in San Diego,

but that was small time
compared to New York.

And they were about to have
a sloppy, drunken ride

down the gin-slickered
waterslide that is fame.

That'll do it
for all of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

Lame.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

More graphics, okay?

Brick loves the colors.

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.

Yeah, don't sass me, beardo!

Finish and ask a question here,
for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for just half a second?

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

There's something new
on the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much

as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana on why
everyone who is someone

is lining up to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack

and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.

I don't know
if we can get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know
they were going to have that?

- No.
- BRIAN: Get in here, Champ.

I'll tell you, I love cocaine

so if this is anything like that...

Oh, then you're going
to love crack!

Now what are we doing here?

We're going to take
some of these rocks...

Okay.

Now what you're going to do is
you're going to put

your crack rock
in the glass pipe.

I'll pack it in there.
Brick, do you want any crack?

(LAUGHS)
Sorry, I'm afraid of fire.

Now what am I doing here?

Stuff that rock in your pipe

and then you're going
to want to point your pipe up

towards the heavens
as if you're saying,

"Thank you, God,
for giving me this crack."

Okay.

Whoa! Whoa!

You feel that right away.
Wow, that's good!

That's an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised,
the effect, it happens very q...

Oh!

You just want more and more
and more and more and more.

Brian, hey listen, my mom's
got this diamond necklace

and I'll sell it to you
if I can get some more.

They're actually enjoying it.

Of course they're enjoying it.
It's crack.

RON: What's that? Stop!

Oh, apparently the police are here.

The police are here? Really?

For Ron Burgundy and
my whole crack news team...

(LAUGHING)

I just made that up.

That was a good one, Ron.
That's actually a very good one.

You should write that down.
Is that written?

Well, we got it recorded now.
That's great!

(SIRENS BLARING)

RON: Well, now we know, guys,
you can't smoke crack on live television.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Please come in
and shut the door.

If this is about sweeps, um,

I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts

that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky

and hitting the ground,
people.

We're calling it
"Death From Above."

We might do some interviews
with airline stewardesses,

in bikinis, to get
their viewpoint.

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

(CHUCKLES)

I've been watching you a lot.

And you just do whatever you want.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm a bit
of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow the format.

You pretty much walk around like...

Like you're king of the world.

I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.

- You know what?
- What?

Oh!

I find it hot as shit!

Are you going to hurt me?

Well, it depends.
Is that what you like?

God, no.
Who wants to be injured?

Have you ever heard the
expression, "Hurts so good"?

Yes, I've always been
baffled by it.

The idea of rolling an ankle

or banging your elbow
on a coffee table

and deriving pleasure from it,

it's very perplexing to me.

Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so afraid right now.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Um, come in.

Uh, Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know

if he can go back to calling
himself Jack Lime

instead of Jack Lame.

He's really struggling with it.

No. Can't. It's a bet.

Oh, Jesus!

If you want to change it,
you can.

Like what?

Jack Off?

GNN's Jack Off.

Jack... No, that's worse.
You know it's worse.

It sounds like jack off!

Art Areola.

Mmm.

Sounds ethnic.
It almost sounds Italian.

Freddie, I can't...
Listen to me, Burgundy.

This is far from over,
do you hear me?

I'll see you on the playground.

Well.

This, uh,

meeting has been

very productive.

You can pick me up at 8:00.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, I think I just
tore my undercarriage.

Oh, man. He's just like me
but he's a cat!

That's a cat?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality

Garfield laughs over here!

I think our boss just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened.

But Linda Jackson got very
physical with me.

I knew it.
She's probably in a gang.

I mean, there was
just a ball of motion

and sweat and hair and noises.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man. The ladies been all over me
since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or nothing,

but I just gave Sheena Easton crabs.

That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful that two people do.

Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites

all over
his penis and testicles.

RON: I'm just saying...

Don't you think that person
should alert their partner?

Semantics.

(LAUGHS) Sounds to me
like it's her fault

for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

- Brick has a date?
- Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when
two people get together,

do something social,
have a few drinks,

yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

(GROWLS)

Then you get sticky.

(MOANING)

- Oh, it's okay.
- RON: No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun. It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.

RON: Oh!

There it is. Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.

For you I'm thinking
Teddy's Big Stick.

It's the only one that comes
with the Presidential Seal of Approval.

This one will fit right into
her oval orifice.

It's a great condom

for when you're charging up
San Juan Hill,

AKA, a lady's puss.

Particularly good
if you're a Rough Rider.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

BRIAN: Clam Dam.
BRICK: Clam Dam.

RON: Clam dam.

Clam dam.

Clam dam.

Clam dam.

It's a non-lubricated condom,
but it'll collect your pearls.

What about Cock Frock?

Cock Frock?
It's a full body condom.

And you can paint in it.

Wait a minute.

Sleeve It to Beaver.
It's a great condom.

Takes you back
to a simpler time

when everything
was in black and white.

It's particularly good
if you're going in

for the Eddie Ass-kill.

My penis weighs 50 pounds.

No, it doesn't, Brick.

- Thirty pounds.
- Mmm-mmm.

Seventeen pounds.

No, your penis probably weighs
four or five ounces.

Fifty pounds.

So you just went back
to the original number.

Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day

to all of our
Native American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map,
it's just green.

No, there's a map there.

- Look at the monitor.
- Right. Oh. (WHIMPERS)

Ron, where's my legs?

- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.

I don't have any legs, Ron.

Your legs are fine.

The color of your pants

just matches
the chroma key behind you.

See you're standing right now
on your legs.

Brick, it looks like it's hot in Texas.

Ron, I'm a ghost. Whoo!

Brick, do you want
to do the weather?

- No. No, thanks.
- No?

You want to come back
to the weather?

- Nope.
- Nope. Okay.

Ron, tell me
what this looks like.

Okay, Brick, it's live television, my friend.
Why don't we go to commercial break...

It's 50 degrees in this state.

We don't have a commercial lined up.
Um...

I'm going to take out my real one.

No, no, no, no, no!

And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,

I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.

Wow, London.

Arguably one of my favorite
cities in the entire world.

I put it in my top 90,

right in between Omaha

and Jacksonville, Florida.

So, tell me, what are some
of your favorite haunts?

Well, I love it all.

- Big Ben. The Tower of London.
- Mmm-hmm.

Naughty Hill.
The Wailing Wall.

Grabbing a sherbet and walking
along the Thames.

It's pronounced "Thames."

Uh, Piccadilly, the Beatles.

The Beatles aren't a place.

Uh, the Beatles' Building.

Where the Beatles spent a lot
of their time as young men.

Where they learned
how to be a Beatle.

Beatles' Building,
right in downtown London.

Yeah, I was, I was in London
for two years

and I never heard
of a Beatles' Building.

You got me.
I've never been there.

I couldn't even find it on a map.

Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

Look, it's not that
you're not attractive,

it's just I'm a little old-fashioned.

- Well, I am a modern woman.
- Mmm.

And let me tell you,

when I see something
that I want, I go for it.

We're going to do this, aren't we?

We most definitely
are going to do this.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Do lunch boxes
and sleeping people count?

Of course.

Then, yes. I have kissed
Scooby Doo and Roy.

I tongue-kissed a lawn jockey.

I once pooped in the basement
of the Lincoln Memorial.

The Lincoln Memorial
has a bathroom?

No, but they have a basement.

I feel like if I knew how,

I would start to sing
a love song right now.

I feel like I'm about
to watch you start to sing.

(SINGING) I feel like I'm about
to sing a love song to you

And I feel like I'm about to
sing the same love song to you

I don't know how to do it but
I think it starts like this

Do do do la do do

It continues like
do do do doo

Because I love you so

And sometimes in a love song
an eagle flies over and goes

(SCREECHES)

Lots of animals
are in love songs

You got the eagle, the bunny
the rabbit, the squirrel

And the bunny goes...

Bunny love in a love song

And we just sang our first love song

Together

I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.

I'll be so careful not to bite
a hole in your cheek.

Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Allenby,
I wasn't expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.

But then I heard
about this little story

that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.

You see, some of the planes
from my airline

have had parts
falling off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.

We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One
company working with another.

Mr. Burgundy may well be

one of the most
valuable media tools

that any corporation
has ever had.

Everything he says
becomes the truth.

So you treat him like
the thoroughbred he is

and, my girl, you could have
a very, very rewarding career.

And who knows, maybe you
and I can be

riding thoroughbreds naked off
the coast of Capri. Hmm.

No.

Okay, you can have pants on.
But we'll be topless.

Mr. Allenby,
I'm not going to ride

on thoroughbred horses
with you topless.

Fine, they can be ATVs.

You can be in a bikini,

and I'll be wearing
my Speedos, swim trunks,

the ol' budgie-smugglers.

Look, I would do this
for my career

but I am
not sleeping with you.

Well...

To synergy.

You seem a little quiet,
I must say.

Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

Mmm. This is delicious!

So...

How long have you
and Linda been dating?

- Mother.
- (CHUCKLING)

Oh.

No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.

Um...

Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.

When we get together

we're like an Oreo cookie
covered in sweat.

Isn't that right,
my Nubian sex princess?

What are you talking about?

I've touched her booty.

I put my hands on that booty.
I have done it.

Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.

What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white elephant
in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers

of race by assimilation.
That's all I'm doing.

Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

We actually don't watch you.

We find what you've done
with the news offensive.

Well, I know how you're
getting your news.

You're going down
to the corner barber shop

and then Lumpy Jones
comes in and says,

"I'd like a haircut today.

"Did you hear what they're doing?"

And then the barber says,

"Lumpy, I ain't talking to you
until you pay your bill.

"You haven't paid this bill
in two months."

Etcetera, etcetera.
And they tell two friends,

and they tell two friends
and it spreads that way.

What is your problem, man?

Hey, black don't crack, right?

That's what we can
at least all agree on.

If you haven't noticed
we don't converse like that.

Okay, okay.

Fair enough.
Look at Big Papa down here.

He's thinking to himself,
"Shit, look at that white pasty cracker

"sittin' at my table, eatin' my food,

"in my house,

"touching my daughter."

I have. I have touched
your daughter.

- Honey!
- We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like!
You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean when it
comes down to it,

I'm just a bad-ass pharaoh
with a big dick and fat wallet.

Linda, I don't understand what
you are doing with him.

Oh, you know what I'm coming
at you with,

you big, black mother of Linda.

Mix it up in a pot!
Making it spicy!

Oh, my Lord.

Hey, that's my momma, man.

Hey, can I get an "Amen"?

Hmm. Can I get an "Amen"?

Seriously though,
folks, can I get an "Amen"?

Please don't do this.

It's fine.

Can any of you crazy-ass
motherfuckers pass me the...

- Oh!
- This man is out of here.

- Get out of my house.
- Oh, okay.

Get out of my house, Papa.

Get out of my house!

This is fun.
Get out of my house, man.

He's telling you to leave.

Get out of my house!

I must not be saying it right.

Get out of my house,
you big dummy!

Get out of my house!

I can't say it much louder.

Get out of my house! Get out!

(GROANS)

Oh! Now I get it! You want me
to leave the house!

I'm not your big papa!

Stop! Stop! Dad!

RON: I don't think that dinner
could have gone any better.

LINDA: Are you nuts?

No, I'm not!
I had a wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you
in the head!

I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

What?

I hate to pin it on you, but
you did invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I just... I'm just under
a lot of stress because...

Because Allenby,
he doesn't want you to do

the story that you're doing
for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story.
Wonderful exposé.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard
of synergy?

So your mom thought
we should get together,

spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope, don't care for him.
Never have.

Don't like the mask,

the costume, the getup,
the webs.

Spider-Man's a poser, son.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary.

By the way,
how is that shit-heel?

What's a shit-heel?

A shit-heel is a real fun term
that you should call Gary

every time you see him.

When he wakes you up
for breakfast say,

"Oh, good morning, shit-heel."

He'll probably give you five
dollars or some candy.

You're a shit-heel, Dad.

You should just call Gary that

'cause it makes him
really happy.

It makes me sort of happy
but it makes him really happy.

- Dad.
- Huh?

Sometimes I hear sounds at night
and I get scared.

I think there's a ghost
in my closet.

Now, you listen to me, son.

I'm a grown man, okay.
I've done things.

I've been places.

I watched the fall of Saigon
from my hotel room

in Bermuda.

So I have experience,

and I'm going to tell you this right now.

There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.

Thank you, Daddy.

There's no such thing
as ghosts, tree werewolves,

angry store mannequins with
dead eyes

who look at you like this.

I'm starting to get scared.

Why? I'm telling you things
that aren't real.

So what's real that's scary?

You really want to know

the one thing
you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

- Voodoo.
- Voodoo?

Yes, voodoo.

That shit will mess you up.
And it is 100% real.

Promise me

that you'll never go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

I love you?

What?

Huh?

Are you trying to say
you love me?

No. No.

What do you think I am,
some kind of fruit?

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

Well, for one, he called Gary
a shit-heel!

And he hasn't slept for four days!

He keeps talking
about tree werewolves.

Ron, listen to me.
He is seven years old.

You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!

He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,

and he wants you to be there.

I will be there. All right?

Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?

I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?

Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.

Fine!

Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.

Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat,

the head of the PLO
and, some say,

the key to peace
in the Middle East.

Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,

so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.

Terry Bradshaw's nipple!

Thank you for watching GNN.
I'm Jack Me-off!

Ha.

We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.

I really thought we had
a chance this time.

What about my
"Death From Above" story?

You better ask Ron about that.

We're pulling that story, Brian.

What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.

It was my call, all right, Brian?

Just let it go. It's synergy.

What does that mean?

Take it easy, Ron.

We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.

You take it easy!

I'm not in this to finish second!

I think Champ
is just saying that we...

I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?

And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.

I mean, let's face it.
You'd be nowhere without me.

I'm the one who got invited
to the set of Urban Cowboy.

Not you guys!

I'm the one with the hot black girlfriend.

I'm the one who gets his
Caesar salad made table-side!

- That is nice.
- Oh, salad.

I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.

Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.

Shut up, Brick!

Just shut up for once!

Ron yelled at me.

You're damn right I yelled at you!

When you talk nonsense
for 15 years,

someone's going to get
just a little bit tired of it!

You don't yell at Brick.
Are you still smoking crack?

No.

I only smoked that one time.

That's a lie.
I've done it six more times.

You made Brick cry.

(SOBBING)

You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

But, seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?

You know what, Ron?

We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.

But I don't like
the man you've become.

You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?

I was taking pictures of pussies,

Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.

We took a gamble.

Took a gamble
to follow you here.

But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,

and beating Veronica
at all costs.

It had nothing to do
with the news,

- nothing to do with the team.
- Brian, don't.

You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,

but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,

you use your tongue to spell
out the alphabet around her...

The bubble. Around her bubble.

- The vulva!
- The Volvo.

I always do the KISS logo

or the Led Zeppelin
"ZoSo" symbols.

I know the El Camino
is the coolest thing ever

because it's a car
and it's a truck

and that's just two
different ways to get pussy.

I can't argue
with any of those points.

And I know that no matter what,

you always stand by your friends.

Sorry, Brian.

I've got a sore back.

You'll have to excuse me.

It's so sore from carrying your ass
for the last 15 years.

I think you're sick in the head, Burgundy.

Thankfully, I've got a
whole spoon full of medicine.

Oh! Oh!

I don't know who I am.

Oh, my God!
The room is spinning.

You'll regret this!

You'll regret this, Brian!

I can't move my left side
of my body.

One, two, three, get up
on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat,
the secretive head of the PLO.

Hey, don't let her
get into your head, Ron.

I can't believe this.

How do you even get
that guy's number?

We've got to get someone
from a foreign country.

Guys, we're on in 20, 20, Ron.

You ready?

What's that, huh?

Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase

on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.

You know what?

Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.

No. That's not news, Ron.

Give it to me live, okay?

- And don't question me again.
- Bill!

NARRATOR: Journalists back in 1980
thought that a car chase wasn't news.

But Ron Burgundy wasn't a journalist,
he was an anchorman.

Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,

reporting live from New York.

We have breaking news
developing

in our nation's heartland.

A high-speed car chase
is in progress...

Keep the "Breaking News" logo up.
Keep up the graphic.

...reaching speeds
of up to 100 mph.

And for the first time
in news history,

we will stay with it live

until it resolves
in either a huge accident

or a massive shootout.

Ron Burgundy is so brave
for covering this.

What an American!

GARY: Are you worried
your dad's not gonna come?

WALTER: He'll be here.
He promised he would.

Does he usually stick
to his promises?

Always. Except not most
of the times.

We're going to stay
with this live.

I know there's other news
out there.

There's boring interviews
with weird foreigners

going on right now
that are not important.

This is the pulse of what's going on
in our country right now.

Freddie, what's going on?

Why is there a local car chase
on the TV?

It's Burgundy, he insisted.

Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?

He didn't have a story
so he made one!

You can't do that!

Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.

Ron, speculate on
who's driving the car.

Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.

He's probably 6'7", 6'8", but
a skinny 6'7", 6'8", about 160.

He may have a hostage or two.

Uh, we don't know.
He could have something in his car.

The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!

I've never seen anything like it!

Mr. Arafat,
is there any scenario

by which peace could be
reached with Israel?

YASSER: Peace is
what burns in my heart...

What was it? Excuse me.

What happened to the...

The network cut to another
developing story.

Some kind of crazy car chase.

Who covers a car chase?

I'm sitting here with
the most important interview

of my entire career,

and they're cutting
to a car chase?

RON: This is
extremely gripping.

Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!

He hit a car!
Did you see that?

Oh, they just wrecked!

- RON: Wow!
- I fucking love the news!

ALL: Yeah!

Oh, my God, that car
just hit another car.

This is awesome.

RON: And he just loses it! Wow!

That's exactly what we needed.

It was getting
a little boring.

Hey. You did a great job.

Thanks, Gary.

I don't think
your dad's coming.

I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.

Stop reading my mind!

All right.

(SIGHS)

I mean,
this is what I worry about.

WALTER: My dad thinks
you're like a wizard.

GARY: I'm a psychologist.

I have a ponytail, for God's sakes.

We're just getting word
that police

have finally apprehended
the suspect.

It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,

he's 80 years old,

and he was simply confused.

Wow! What an afternoon!

I'm Ron Burgundy.

I may not always
know the facts

but I'll always
tell you the truth.

Thank you for watching.

(CHUCKLING)

And we are clear!

Yes!

Great!

All right!

I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!

Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.

(CHUCKLING)

I don't deserve this.

It was a team effort.
It really was.

KENCH: Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

we all know there's one reason

that GNN have gotten
to the top.

And that reason
is the greatest

bloody newsman in the world.

Long may he reign!

- Mr. Ron Burgundy!
- (CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, Ron!

Yeah!

(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)

LINDA: Fire it up, Ronny!

(BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Let's blaze.

Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.

We did it, my onyx hellion.

You're magic!

Good friend.

(CONTINUE PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)

NARRATOR:
In the myth of Icarus,

Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,

flew too high

and the sun melted his wings.

Ron had no idea who Icarus was.

He thought he was an alien villain
from Star Trek.

(ALL GASPING)

(SCREAMS)

LINDA: Oh, my God, Ronny!

Ron!

Open the bloody gate.

WOMAN:
Somebody call an ambulance!

My heart is split like a melon!

Do not die in front of us!

Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA)

Damn it, Milton, what is it?

DR. BRANGLEY: Well, Ron...

I, um...

It looks as if both optic
nerves are separated

from their respective corneas.

- What?
- No other way to put this, but...

You're blind.

But surely there's some drug
or some machine...

Ron, I've looked at all
the test results repeatedly.

There's always false positives.

- Run the tests again!
- Okay, all right.

There is one more test
I can do.

I knew it!

Yep, you're blind!

Clearly, there must be
something in this

new-fangled office of yours

- that can help me!
- Settle down.

There's got to be something in here!

Orderly. Orderly.

Zombies! Zombies!

Ahh!

If you get my hands on me,
I'll kill you.

NARRATOR:
The world of the blind.

Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,

had forever entered
this realm of darkness.

- (BARKING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Ron, it's us!

RON: I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.

I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.

Still hot off the griddle!

There we go.

Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.

Jack Lime's been filling in for you

since you've been gone.

You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.

Uh-huh.

Brick!

That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.

What about Linda?
She hasn't called.

Linda's pretty busy.
I'm sure that's what it is.

Have you ever eaten
the boot from Monopoly?

Mmm.

Yum. It is so good.

So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?

You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.

Well, every day begins
about the same.

I wake up screaming in terror

because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.

Every day?

Yes! Every day!

And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.

Making breakfast.

I've eaten everything from
nails to drink coasters.

Don't even bring up
Thanksgiving.

I got halfway through
a Nerf football.

You haven't been blind for Thanksgiving.

You know what
the biggest indignity is?

I can't even masturbate.

Really?

What's masturbate?

Heck, one morning
I spent 20 minutes

aggressively rubbing my shin,

wondering, "Where's the sensation?
Where's the pleasure coming?"

Went through
half a can of Crisco.

You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?

Feel it. Tell me that
doesn't feel like a penis.

That feels like a shin.

Yeah, because you're feeling it
through the hands of a sighted person.

Ron, purely for empirical
evidence and science,

I'd like to feel your bony, hard cock
and compare that to a shin.

You think I'm stupid, don't you?

Go ahead,
laugh at the blind man.

Laugh at the village fool.
The carnival freak.

I'm like the Elephant Man,
aren't I?

Oh, come on, Ron.

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
Do I amuse you?

More!

I'm a man. I'm not an animal.

What you're going through

has nothing to do
with the Elephant Man.

It doesn't even
remotely compare.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Let me say
it real slow and real loud.

I'm

blind!

I guess we should
get out of here.

Maybe you should go. Yes.

Why don't you guys get out of here!

Despite my complete
and utter isolation,

your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!

Good-bye, Ron.

What?

- No, don't go!
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Please! Wait! I'm all alone!
Come back!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

(SOBBING)

I'm alone!

Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?

You feel like a big shot?
Are you a big man now?

Are you getting
your jollies off this one, God?

I hope you're happy.

VERONICA: Well, I never
thought that I would see

the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.

Who is it? What is that noise?

Take my hand.

I can't see it!

Reach for it, Ron!

You have to learn
to do for yourself now.

All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.

Get up. There we go.

Cher, is that you?

You can't recognize me
by my voice?

Billy Dee Williams.

Really?

Every news station is copying
what you did, Ron.

All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.

The genie has been let out
of the bottle,

and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.

- That's why I quit WBC News.
- What?

There's no real news being
reported out there.

It's just all about ratings.

Veronica.

Why are you here?

I'm here for our son, Ron.

Walter needs you.

I need you to start
taking responsibility

for him and for yourself.

Do you realize
you're talking to a man

who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a...

With a violin that he found
at a flea market?

What? How?

Wouldn't you have known it was
a violin when you touched it?

I'm just saying,
it's not going to be a cakewalk.

Well, then we best get to it.

It's next to impossible.
I can't do it!

- (BLOWS)
- (YELPS)

Just remember the curves.

The curves.

- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.

Yes, I'm still sitting here
nude like you requested.

I can't do it!

- (BAXTER BARKING)
- Baxter found something on the beach!

Ron, be careful!

- (BARKING)
- RON: It's okay!

- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!

It's not just a fish.
It's a shark.

And by the smell of the oil
from its liver,

it's a juvenile great white.

Oh, my goodness!

If he stays tangled in this net,
he's not going to survive.

Walter, sweetheart,
it's a shark.

It's not just a shark, Veronica,

he's a Carcharodon carcharias.

The largest
apex predator in the ocean.

Son,

don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.

We'll do it together, Dad.

RON: That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough

to swim out to the deep ocean.

Can I name him?

Of course you can, son.

What about Crackers?

Give me a goddamn break.

Seriously, you've got one of
the most vicious predators

in the ocean and you're
going to name him Crackers?

In the future, when you say
I can name something,

don't be a dick about it.

Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.

All right,
I can live with that.

(BARKS)

Don't worry, Baxter, we won't
feed him your dog food.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: Even though Ron
Burgundy had lost his sight,

he had never seen so clearly.

He had the love of Veronica
and his son.

The beauty of the lighthouse.

And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.

RON:
Well, you're a hungry guy.

A-ha! Got you!

- Yes!
- You got it.

- You struck him out.
- (LAUGHING)

ALL: Happy birthday, Doby!

Ron, Walter.

Mom, we made
a birthday cake for Doby

out of seal meat
and chum icing.

- We did.
- Nice, nice.

Listen, I...
Walter, I fear that the shark

is getting too big
for the cove now.

What do you know, bitch!

Excuse me, young man.

Walter, that language
is only used by your father

when your mother messes up.

She ruins everything!

First she made you leave
and now she wants Doby to go.

It might be time
to set Doby free.

The other day we found old man
Crowley's walker by the cove.

He's been missing for a week.

Oh, dear Lord.

- I'll go talk to him.
- All right.

Wrong way.

NARRATOR: Just like
the passing of the seasons,

it came time for Doby
to return

to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.

I hear his tail splashing!

He's actually swimming away!

Do you think he's crying,

weeping violently
in the depths of the sea?

He's a shark, so, no.

I think that he's
surrounded by water.

If we ever see him again,

do you think
he'll remember us?

Absolutely, my son.

Sharks are known
for their photographic memory.

Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?

I promise.

If I say I'll be there for you,

there's nothing on God's Earth
that will stop me.

I love you, Dad.

Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?

- Come on.
- Okay.

Doby, I hope you're happy.

And I hope you eat
lots of fish and surfers.

Ooh!

Oh, there you are.

I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.

I thought we could steam
them up tonight

with a nice butter sauce

and some wine.

(SIGHS)

Veronica.

Yes, Ron?

Can you explain this?

(BEEPS)

Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.

Somehow, they must be
getting erased.

But there is a procedure

that can possibly
return your sight.

Please get back to me
if you're interested.

(BEEPS)

Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?

Yes. Ron, just let me explain.

How could you?

We've never been
this happy and...

(GROWLS) Damn you, woman!

(YELLING)

You lied to me!

I gave you everything!

I gave you my heart,

my smile,

my seed.

And you lied to me.

- WALTER: Dad!
- Sweetheart.

No! Dad!

Don't leave, Dad!

Dad!

Sweetheart,
we have to let him go.

- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- He needs to go free.

Just like Doby.

He'll be back. He promised.

(CAR CRASHING)

RON: Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!

Of course!

DR. BRANGLEY: Ron,
the operation was a success.

But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.

Well?

Yes.

I can see.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

You are my inspiration.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, hey, good for you, Ron.
Whammy.

Champ.

Ron, you grew a mustache.

(CHUCKLES) Brick.

Brick and I are having a baby!

We're gonna name it Sugar.

- I'm 22 months pregnant.
- All right.

KENCH: Well, get over here,
you bastard.

Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.

Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.

(SIGHS)

- (DOOR OPENING)
- (EXHALES)

How you doing there?

Oh.

I'm fine. Just, uh...
(CHUCKLES)

Just a lot of people in there.

Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.

There's...
There's no need to explain.

But, listen, I mean,
you're back.

VERONICA: Hello, Ron.

What are you doing here?

I had to come tell you
something very important.

You must be Linda Jackson.

You must be Veronica.

Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.

This is a touching moment
for me.

Please, don't take this
the wrong way,

but if you touch Ron again,

I will pop up from
the backseat of your car

and burn your face
with a curling iron.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)
That's all fine and good

but, uh, if you did that
I'd be forced

to put your hand
in a paper shredder

while I smoke a cigarette.

Well, in that case,
I would have no choice

but to mail your severed
foot to your grandmother.

Merry Christmas, Nana.

I was feeling
a little bit down

but this is definitely
picking up my mood.

Well, I guess I'll leave
you two alone

and it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

- This has been great.
- (SCOFFS)

Bye, Linda.

I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.

I wasn't calling for me,
I was calling

because Walter has a piano
recital in half an hour

at the Tishman School on 65th Street.

And he wrote a piece for you,
Ron.

Aw, Walter.

It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.

Ron, I just got a call from
the control room!

Oh, big fan. Oh, Ron...

Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom

Four's a Family,
Five's a Crowd...

Oh, sure.
(SINGING) Four's a family

Five's a crowd

The neighbors get mad
'Cause the family's so loud

- (CHUCKLES)
- It's so funny.

That's it.

She found out that her husband
was cheating on her

and she severed his penis
while he slept!

Oh, my goodness.

The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,

and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!

We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,

but we've got to go,
right now!

Ron, this can be your comeback.

- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.

That... That will get
sky-high ratings.

- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.

Go.

FREDDIE: Come on, Ron.
Priorities!

- Veronica!
- Come on!

LINDA: Can you hear me?

Yes, yes, you're coming in
loud and clear.

You're back
and you get this story.

- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.

- KENCH: God, look at him.
- (LINDA CHUCKLES)

Like a beacon in the night!

- My golden goose.
- LINDA: All right, baby.

So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.

Five, four,

- three, two...
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good evening, America.
After some time off,

it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.

We have a story tonight
involving an affair,

a cut-off penis, a TV star,

twelve kilos of cocaine, devil
worship, and a car chase.

And throw it to the feed.

The only problem is...

- What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?

- It's not news.
- What?

- Turn off the prompter.
- Ron, this is Kench.

What the hell do you think
you're doing, mate?

Just read what's
in front of you,

or I will ruin you! Don't!

Don't! You leave Kench
inside your head!

God damn it!

You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,

but it's taken me until now

to realize what real news is.

Real news is supposed
to let people know

what the powerful are up to,

so that that power
doesn't become corrupt.

But what happens when
the powerful own the news?

Recently, I've been on a bit
of a personal journey.

I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.

I became blind.

I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.

And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.

But the most important thing
I've learned is that

there was an emptiness left

after turning my back on three

of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.

Hi, Ron!

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to see my child's recital

and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.

Good night, America,
and never forget,

you deserve the truth.

Good. He's dead, done.
Linda,

get the skirt in, the blonde.
Anyone!

He's coming back!

Also, I just wanted to say
a quick hello to Baxter.

Hello, Baxter.

- We've got dead air.
- (STAMMERING)

Yes, yes, yes.

We're taking care
of it right now.

Guys, I'm sorry.

For a while there,

I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.

Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Brian, I...

No reason why I killed
that story of yours.

It was excellent reporting.

And, Champ, I'm really sorry for...

Actually, I wasn't gonna
apologize for anything to you.

You've done horrible things to me.

BRICK: Ron, you're a good man

but you've fallen victim
to your own ego

and your own hubris.

And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.

What was that, Brick?

I have a hot dog in my desk.

Thank you.

So that's it, huh?
You're sorry.

You know what, Burgundy,
apologies are like assholes.

Everyone's got one
and everyone's got a shoebox

full of Polaroids of them
under the bed.

I don't know what that means.

It means that
apologies are cheap

and that I have a shoebox full
of Polaroids of butt holes

and I keep it under my bed.

Maybe one day you'll...

You'll think enough of me
to let me buy you a beer

and we can look
at that shoebox together.

Don't hold your breath.

I only show that shoebox to my
good friends and hitchhikers.

- I understand.
- CHAMP: Ron...

We're the news team.
This can't end.

Well, we'll see how this one
does at the box office.

- What?
- Mmm-hmm.

Just let him go, Champ.

(SOBBING)

Ron!

Long live Ron Burgundy!

Guys, he's gonna come
to my recital.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Damn it!

It's so hard for a rich white man
to get a taxi in this city!

- Thank you.
- Is Dad going to come?

No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.

He's going to come. I know it.

Taxi!

I need to see my son!

And now, to play
an original composition

that he wrote for his father,

here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.

I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!

What the hell?

Well, hello, Ron.

You out for a jog?

Jack Lime!

Where's everyone going?

Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?

I have to be somewhere.

Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be

'cause you pretty much
destroyed my career.

Do you realize
what it did to me,

by making me
call myself Jack Lame?

It was a living hell!

I had to get
a new driver's license.

I can't get
restaurant reservations!

I have to do my own hair.

Look, I'm sorry but I'm out
of the news game.

I just walked away.

You can't just walk away
from the news.

It's like a...
It's like a frat or KISS Army.

You're in it for life.

I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!

Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.

This will be over fast.

Maybe not so fast!

My news team. Thank God!

Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.

Not a problem. When I'm done
with these mutts,

I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.

Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

When I'm done with you,

I hope we can be friends
in the future

and maybe see
a movie together.

BBC NEWS ANCHOR: Wait!

It's too bad you don't have
free health care

because the BBC World Service

is about to beat
your arses bloody!

God save the Queen

and God kill Ron Burgundy!

(ALL YELLING)

No. Not now.

JACK: Fall back, fall back.

(GRUNTS)

If y'all are gonna get down,

then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV VJ News crew need in!

What the hell's a VJ?

I don't know.

Is that like a vlowjob?

It's the future, sucker!

We gonna play all videos

and then eventually just reality shows!

It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.

And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.

Entertainment and news,
that's a contradiction.

In celebrity gossip,
guess who was seen canoodling

with death at Spago?

Ron Burgundy!

Tonight's top story,

an exclusive interview
with Jamie Farr

plus a couple
of douche bag anchormen

- get their balls stomped!
- (BASEBALL BAT THUMPS)

Hey!

There's not gonna be any fight
without Scott Riles

and the incredibly polite
Canadian news team.

(ALL YELLING)

What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?

The real voice of Canada!

Give it a rest, eh?

Give me a break!
They can't have news.

Nothing happens in Canada!

That's not true!

Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.

And sometimes the lake freezes.

I like your ginger ale!

This is Jeff Bullington, ESPN.
All sports.

That's 24 hours of sports,
but today it's 23

'cause one
of those hours is me

rectally extracting your spine.

Twenty-four hours of sports?

That actually sounds
pretty good to me.

I'd watch that.

Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.

Only news told much, much later.

(ALL YELLING)

Wait a minute.
Is that the ghost

of Stonewall Jackson with you?

Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.

(GROWLS)

The Minotaur isn't even history!

He's mythology! You're crossing
a lot of formats here.

(ROARING)

Hey, let's not
downplay the fact that

that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.

You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?

Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?

You're too old for this.

I had a crush on him
when I was a schoolgirl.

Hmm.
You like it wrinkled, huh?

Well, you see,
there's the thing.

When there's an early moon,

I almost feel like a stallion again!

He's on our side, right, Ron?

(ROARING)

He's a were-hyena!

(BOTH GASP)

Oh, my God, don't chase us!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

All right, everyone, listen up!

By virtue of being
on this battlefield,

there is no return.

People will die.

Hey, everyone,
if I happen to kill you today...

Sorry.

I would be remiss if I did not
mention one last thing...

Today's blood soaked battle

will be sponsored by R.C. Cola,

a delicious beverage

when you're about
to behead a colleague.

And as usual, no touching
of the hair and face!

Yeah, that's... (STAMMERS)
I can go with that one.

I wouldn't appreciate it.

When El Trousias,

maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,

let the battle begin!

I am El Trousias!

Hear my siren song!

- (PLAYING)
- She's pretty.

- Yeah, she has a nice figure.
- I'm not jealous of her.

No.

Banged her.

That means you can start.

Man, that's like from
a Kajagoogoo video.

(GUN VIBRATING)

Brick, what the hell is that?

It's a gun from the future.

Where did you get it from?

(LAUGHING)

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Huzzah!

(ALL YELLING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

An eye for an eye,
I guess I owe you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'd love to meet Shelly Hack.
Terrific.

(GRUNTS) Cowboys don't
have throwing stars.

Man, Burgundy,
you're strong as shit.

I drink Ovaltine for breakfast.

Son, how's my hair?

Thanks.

(GROWLING)

Fill that gap.
Fall upon your swords.

Life has no meaning.

- (CANNON FIRING)
- (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

There will be a mint julep

waiting on the other side,
sir.

Release your soul to me.

(GASPING)

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(ROARING)

Sorry!

CANADIAN ANCHORS:
Sorry! Sorry!

BRIAN: Sex Panther,
I summon thee!

(GRUNTS)

(SNARLS)

(ALL COUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

- WOMAN: Oh, no! Look out!
- (ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.

Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.

Why do we have to fight?

There's so much
I could learn from you...

Colonel Burgundy, I will
give you three questions

and then I shall consume
your soul.

Okay. Do you dwell in heaven?

I march upon a shadowy shore

betwixt the world of men
and the shivering gates of heaven.

- Oh, so purgatory.
- No.

Shadow shore,
betwixt the world of men

and the shimmering gates
of heaven.

In the middle.
Between the two.

- Do you have another question?
- Yes.

Uh...

Of all the new
Japanese car imports

that are on the market today,
what's your favorite?

That is your question?

I am a decorated general

who has come from
the afterlife to visit you.

That's my second question.

- All right, Honda.
- Oh, good.

I like the mixture
of the stylish interior

with the gas efficiency.

- One more question?
- That's right.

And then I shall
consume your soul.

That's okay. Maybe I'll lay off
on the last question.

Are you sure?

I just don't want
my soul consumed...

- (INHALING)
- (GASPING)

(GROANING)

Hey!

(GRUNTS)

Send my regards
to Sir Winston Churchill.

Please, no! (GRUNTS)

What in the name of Dan Roundfield?

Gary!

Yes, Ron. (GRUNTS)

You and I never got along.

But using the power of my mind,

I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.

- Now, go.
- RON: I knew it!

Go to your son's recital.

I knew you had mind powers!

And make it the greatest day
of your life!

- (ROARING)
- Gary, no!

(ROARING)

Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.

Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.

I repeat, cook these fools.

We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!

Man, what a rush!

The monster's my friend!

Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!

(LAUGHS) Hey, Ronny.

Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.

No!
That's out of the question!

We're outnumbered, Ron.

Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hello, kiddies.

Is there room in the
sandbox for a few more?

Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!

Hey, what the hell are you
guys doing here?

This is a national news fight.

You made one mistake today.

You messed with somebody
from San Diego.

It's actually pronounced
San Diago.

Hell, Ron and I may not agree
on everything,

but we share the bond of being

from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.

(LAUGHING)

Well, ain't that cute?

But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.

Why don't you
go back to your mama?

Don't you use my mom's
name in vain.

Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman

who raised seven children
on her own

and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.

Even in her coffin she had
the ass of a 19-year-old.

Tight like an apricot.
No disrespect.

She served four tours of duty
in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.

She won the bronze in
the hammer throw at Helsinki.

I enjoyed her on the show Emergency!

Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,

my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.

(ALL MUMBLING)

You crazy son of a bitch.

I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."

Well, you forgot one thing,
leatherman.

You drop that smoke,
you die, too.

(LAUGHING)

With the things I've done
in my life,

oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.

So I sure as shit ain't afraid
to burn here on Earth.

Oh, my goodness!

That's the most badass thing
I have ever heard.

All right!

Looks like this fight's over.

(SIGHS)

Let's go, boys.

Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!

Sparklers!

- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- ALL: No!

(EXPLOSION)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLES)

Dad!

I'm never gonna have
to drink horse piss!

Odds are you'll still have to,
but enjoy the moment, son.

I love you, Mom!
I love you, Dad!

NARRATOR: A father
reunited with his son.

Come on, folks,
that's good stuff.

And then the same man finally
learns to love his wife

more than his career?

Suck on that,
Tennessee Williams.

And how about Liam Neeson
showing up earlier?

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get Liam Neeson?

He doesn't have a phone,
and lives on a mountaintop,

and we got him.

If that isn't worth 14 bucks,
I don't know what is.

So go home with
your significant other,

and make love, and then hold
each other afterwards,

and say,
"That movie delivered.

"It was the nut flush.

"Thank you, Hollywood. "

And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,

Brick and Chani
ask us to join them

as they exchange their vows.

My dearest Brick.

I love the nicknames
you call me.

Like Chani or Miss.

Or Miss Chani or Chani.

I call you Duncan Wentworth

or my little flesh hair
creature

or a guy who doesn't
call the police

when I touch
his bathing suit area.

Chani, you make
my heart beat so fast

that my right arm hurts

and I forget where I am
and what I am doing.

Then men shock me
with two air hockey paddles

and I feel better

except the right side
of my face sags for a while.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Beautiful ceremony.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, hello, ladies.

Caf or decaf?

Why?

Oh, I need to know how
I'm gonna make your coffee

tomorrow morning
when you wake up in my pants.

You're Brian Fantana
and you're Champ Kind.

- We love you.
- Yeah.

This is a fair warning, girls,
uh, if I get really drunk,

you're going to have
to do all the work.

Yeah, and we can go back
to our place, too.

That way your sheets
don't get covered in hair.

Yeah, we've got to get up
early for work.

- A little Asti Spumante, huh?
- WOMAN 1: Yeah.

Go back and listen to some records?

They wanted it so bad.