Original subtitles

Hey, Jacinta.

Say hi.

Hi!

And these are the criminals.

They will never get out from my jail.

Help me! Help me! Let me out.

That's the record button. Yep.

Is that what it's saying?

That's what it be saying.

Are you a silly‐willy?

Yep.

My dad explained to me,

when you're an infant and you cry,

your mom picks you up

and comforts you.

When I was an infant

my mom cried.

She picked me up for comfort.

‐ Should I put my hair up?

I never put my hair up.

Yes? No?

‐ What?

‐ Should I do the '90s thing?

Like this?

‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Hey, girl.

You looking kind of good!

What's your name?

‐ Stop. No.

I've been in for eight months...

and I have a month left of my sentence.

Thank you.

My first time being incarcerated...

I think I was 15.

I'm 26,

and there hasn't been many breaks in between.

Pitch five.

Get it! Yep!

‐ I'm trying not to be seen

because I've already been warned at the window for talking.

And so if I'm seen, I'm gonna get a write‐up.

What are you doing, Ma?

I don't want to get caught at your window.

Alright. I don't want to get you in trouble.

Alright. I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

‐ Yep, at noon time.

‐ Run! Run, Bridget!

‐ Go ahead! ‐ You flinched.

‐ Go ahead.

I only flinched 'cause I didn't want to hurt you.

‐ Save it.

‐ You're a big baby, I swear.

‐ Abuse.

I called my mother a bitch once, right?

She smacks me in the mouth, and I ‐‐

‐ I didn't smack you in the mouth.

That ain't exactly ‐‐ Don't lie. Don't you lie.

You went... You're like this.

You said, "I should smash you, bitch,"

is what you said.

‐ She smacked me in the mouth.

‐ Tell the whole story. ‐ And cried.

Listen, Joanne,

she calls my mom at like 2:00 in the morning.

She's like, "Your daughter ripped me off."

‐ I remember that. ‐ "I'm gonna whoop her ass."

I hear my mom's truck coming,

flying down Pine Street at fuckin' 2:00 in the morning,

blaring REO Speedwagon

Take It On The Run, right?

I'm like, "Yep, here comes my mom."

So, she's up in ‐‐ ‐ You weren't even there yet.

I was already there, and I'm calling Jacinta,

and she said, "Mom, I'm gonna be there in two minutes."

I'm pissed.

‐ I was in the alley taking a couple of hits.

This girl peeps my mom coming through the door.

She goes "Yeah. Yeah, you, Rosemary."

My mom grabs her and starts beating the fuck out of her,

like boom, boom, boom.

Stomps her, like, a couple of times.

Just stomping this bitch, right?

She turns around. She's like "Hey."

I'm like hey.

My mom stomps her one more time.

She goes, "What are you going to do?"

‐ I'm like, uh... ‐ Oh, my God!

‐ I'm like, what are you doing?

‐ I was like, "Well, I was gonna hit her, Mom."

She stomps her again. That was it.

My mom goes, "Let's go." She goes, "Wait, wait, wait.

Run her pockets. Run her pockets."

I was like, "She gave me all her money.

I ripped her off, remember?"

She goes, "Oh, yeah. Let's go."

The first time I ever got into a fight,

I got beat up really bad,

and I went home crying to my mom,

and she was like, "Don't ever come home like this again."

And she brought me back, and she made me fight her again,

and I beat her up.

And I got this sense of empowerment.

At this point, like, I knew.

And when I was beating her up,

I was going like this. Like, I didn't ‐‐

I was afraid she was gonna hit me again,

and my mom kept making me look at her

when I was hitting her.

And once I got that burst of empowerment,

I was like, "Yeah, I'm never gonna let this go."

‐ Go.

Oh, man.

‐ Go ahead. Let me give it to you.

Take it, Mom. Take it.

‐ Oh, to me. Is it my turn?

‐ Yeah.

I could be having just, like, a full storm of emotions

going on inside me.

My mom can just kind of look

and just be like, "What's going on?"

I'm able to just tell her.

She knows about addiction.

She knows about incarceration.

She knows about...

everything.

‐ A man is facing multiple charges

after police say they busted him with a pound of pot.

Police say they found those drugs during...

I did them with a needle and thread.

I just sat there one day and went like this.

I don't know why.

I was just young.

And then I got Jacinta's name over here.

And then I've got Jacinta's daughter's name over here.

How old were you when you had your kids?

‐ I was 14 when I got pregnant with Todd,

had him when I was 15,

and I was 16, 17 when I had Jacinta,

and 18 when I had my son, Shaun.

Then, I had a hysterectomy due to a rape when I ‐‐

When I was 20,

I had a hysterectomy due to a rape.

So I couldn't have kids after that.

So got lucky that I had my kids.

Those are my two boys, Todd and Shaun,

and their two daughters.

That's my granddaughter, Caylynn.

Jacinta here.

I feel that when she leaves, it's, like...

is it goodbye?

It kills me.

And with the heroin going on,

I keep saying to her, "Jacint..."

I said, "You can't use,

because the addiction is gonna suck you in,

and the heroin that people are selling now is ‐‐

It's not heroin.

It's a ‐‐ It's a drug that's gonna kill you."

So, it's like,

"I don't even wanna see her leave."

I wish she could just stay here...

and wait for me.

Crafts, just to help me forget what's going on...

but I miss my daughter.

It says, "I love you yesterday, tomorrow, and today.

Family together at heart,

even in distance never apart."

And I never send them.

I don't know why.

Sometimes, I just feel like she's okay without me, though.

My mother has another three years left

of her sentence.

I feel guilty.

There's really no way to prepare

for leaving her.

Good luck.

‐ Thanks.

Be good. Stay outta here.

Okay?

I love you.

I love you.

Go, Mom.

You go.

Stay strong.

‐ I love you, Mom.

Fucking stop it from happening!

You're almost out.

Don't do that.

‐ There they are.

- Over there? - Yep.

Alright. Good luck. Stay out of here.

‐ You look good. ‐ Thank you.

‐ Damn. ‐ Hey, baby.

‐ Hi, Daddy.

You okay?

‐ What are you crying for? I'm going home now.

‐ I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy.

You're excited.

Yeah.

‐ You look good.

WYMZ, WYMZ HD, South Portland.

‐ Do it again. Aaah!

‐ I don't understand these people around here.

What is wrong with letting somebody in?

‐ It's not ‐‐ It's closed.

‐ It's not closed.

You just have to...

- I can't do it. - Yeah, you can.

No, I can't.

‐ Just do it.

‐ Aw, man.

Jacinta...

I can't do it. I can't do it.

‐ I felt it. It was in.

Yeah, halfway. Not the back.

You ready? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh, it went through.

‐ See?

‐ This is delicious.

‐ It's a cinnamon bun.

Living room, office,

meditation room.

‐ It's so pretty.

Aw, thanks.

‐ And so this is the other available spot,

and then this has its own entry and staircase.

So you can choose whichever room.

‐ I like this room right here. ‐ This one?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Okay. Yeah.

So, we'll just bring your stuff up.

Katie? She's right there. Ask her.

‐ Like, staying the night? ‐ I asked her today.

She doesn't really want to stay the night right away.

So, it it probably ‐‐ if it would be,

- it wouldn't be for a while. - Yeah.

And then, there's a sleeper couch

down here, too, if she did.

‐ Yeah, I mean, that's fine, yeah.

‐ She said she would want to come visit,

but she was like, "Yeah, no.

I don't want to really stay the night."

So, she's also kind of like,

"Well, I don't want to get comfortable.

I don't even know if you're gonna stay clean.

So I can't really ‐‐

‐ Fair enough, right? ‐ Yeah.

We'll make sure you stay clean out here.

Mama will make sure you do.

Thanks. Okay.

Yeah.

Tuesday night is house night,

so we have our house meeting here,

where I meet with all the residents.

We talk about any house issues, assign chores,

- whatever we need to do. - Yep.

‐ And then Friday night is a mandatory AA meeting here

in Gorham that they all go to. ‐ Which we love.

- Good. - I love that meeting.

So, there's plenty of meeting.

Bye.

She seems alright.

Yeah, she is.

She works here on Tuesday ‐‐ ‐ So is this staffed at night?

‐ No.

Not at all.

‐ No, but there's cameras every place, Jacinta.

‐ Dad, that's not what I was thinking.

‐ Okay. I'm just letting you know.

‐ You won't be doing anything

you'd be getting told on, anyways.

‐ No, she won't 'cause I'll kick her ass.

‐ No, that's not ‐‐ ‐ Her brother will kick her ass.

‐ I will kick her ass.

Daddy can see everything.

‐ No, we all see everything.

‐ Yeah, But I'm your star pupil.

‐ No one comes even closer.

I've been tutoring Franky for the last 12 months.

Sometimes, you only get one second chance, you know?

Then if you're go and use again,

there may not be,

you know, a second chance, 'cause you may not live.

A guy was telling me, a friend that came out used,

and she died

after being in county for four months.

She used once, and she's dead.

She was only 27 years old,

leaving behind a 10‐year‐old son and a 4‐year‐old daughter.

Yep.

Every other time I've gotten out,

I use heroin.

Didn't miss a beat.

It's all I know.

I haven't seen my daughter in 10 months.

I'm excited,

but I need to feel strong enough.

A salute to this great country

is coming up a little bit later on,

plus the best fireworks display.

We're glad you're here!

‐ Breaking all the rules.

Who?

Bonnie Harrison in car number 12.

Make some noise!

‐ I'm with the sober house.

I had Caylynn when I was 16.

When she was just 3 years old,

I was at St. Audrey's Group Home with Caylynn.

I was on like six or seven meds.

I had been on lithium since I was 14 years old.

The youth center put me on it.

I got lithium intoxication. My kidneys shut down.

They took me off all my medications.

Coming off all those meds was just too much.

I asked her grandmother,

"Can you just take Caylynn for a little while

until I get my head together?"

Last thing I said to Caylynn is, "I promise you,

I will be back for you."

Just promising myself, go back for her,

go back for her, go back for her.

10 years later, my kid's still there.

You know, sometimes, it scares me that, like,

I almost feel, like...

in my mind...

'Cause, like, I think, "Oh, my God.

I've been out for almost two weeks,

and I haven't gotten high."

That's amazing for me.

I've never done that.

Are you proud of yourself?

‐ I am. ‐ Good.

‐ But then, like, I'm not capable of being strong,

so like...

Why would you say that?

‐ Because it just doesn't happen like that for me.

So it's like I'm waiting for this bombshell,

and every day, it's like...

I'm just like, oh, don't let it be today.

Like, don't let today be that day.

When you're constantly waiting

for the other shoe to drop,

it becomes a situation of self‐sabotage.

Every night, before you go to sleep,

I want you to write

three to five things that you're grateful for.

Okay?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

This is my home.

Yeah, right!

Where's this new tattoo you got there, sweetheart?

Nice.

Does it hurt?

You know what her best tattoo is?

On her wrist, "Daddy's Girl."

‐ Is it? ‐ I've got to get it darkened.

Yeah, read it.

Hi, little guy.

What's up, buddy?

Puke all over me.

‐ Your brother was holding him up like this.

Puked all down him and didn't even phase him.

He's like, "Hey, will you grab me something?"

And I'm, like, about to puke myself.

‐ Listen, if I wanted any shit from you,

I'd ask for it.

Yeah!

Me and my sister, we kind of had it the same.

When I was 18,

I went to prison myself for drinking and driving.

You know, she grew up here.

She was lucky to have

her biological father

be able to take care of her...

'cause my mom's always been off and running.

‐ Boy, I haven't been through these drawers in forever.

That's Jacinta when she was a baby.

When did you and Rosemary split up?

Oh...

Actually, we split up

before Jacinta was born.

And then we tried to get back together,

and it didn't work out so well

because she was going through

whatever she was going through at that time.

I used to go get Jacinta

and then, of course, bring her back.

I wish I could really remember the date

and how old she was when I got custody of her.

Hmm.

I love this song.

This used to be the biggest crack house in town.

Freddy used to live here.

He was, like, my best friend,

but he was, like, the biggest drug dealer around here.

Okay, this guy, Chuck, right here,

the guy with the black shirt on...

he runs for mayor every year.

He thinks all the prostitutes are going to, like...

get together and make him rich.

Keith!

Why?

I've been out for a while.

Thank you.

Thank you.

‐ Honestly...

she don't need to see those people.

She doesn't.

You know, she's got so many friends that

they all did wrong,

and it seems like bam.

I don't know.

I‐I'm just glad nothing happened.

I really am.

I have dreams.

The dreams are weird.

Like Caylynn behind a door...

crying.

I hear Cay, but I can't ‐‐ can't see anything around me.

I try to get to her, and then I go to touch the door knob,

and it's too hot.

I can't get to the other side.

And the nights that I don't have dreams.

I wake up every hour.

And then once I wake up, I can't sleep.

Hi.

‐ What's the matter?

I can't breathe.

‐ I thought you were stronger than me.

Well, not when I'm pinned down.

‐ Well, that was the point.

Stop, Mom!

‐ Are you still stronger than me?

Are you still stronger than me? ‐ No.

‐ What? ‐ You're way stronger than I am.

‐ Say it again? ‐ You're way stronger than I am.

‐ Are you gonna kiss me? ‐ Yes!

‐ Promise? ‐ I promise.

‐ Alright.

Now kiss me.

Go like this. Go like this.

There you ‐‐ No.

Tighten up. There you go.

Bam. ‐ Bam.

‐ That's how you do it. Straight on.

Bam.

‐ Bam.

‐ No, like this.

There you go.

Bam.

Do you like these ones?

‐ I like them better.

‐ Get them both.

Get them both.

Why are getting that kind of stuff during summer?

You're gonna be hot.

You're not gonna wear that.

‐ Mommy picked it out. ‐ She likes them.

‐ You can wear them whenever, I guess,

but you're gonna need shorts.

John and I took Caylynn when she was 3 years old.

They won't see each other for years at a time,

and the minute they're together,

it's like they never left each other, ever.

Caylynn's father is my son, Eric.

He's currently incarcerated.

For her, sometimes with her father,

it was awkward here and there after not being around him.

Not with her mother. It's never awkward.

It's just an automatic connection

the minute they see each other.

When Jacinta delivered Caylynn...

right after she had her,

I was thinking, "Oh, this is gonna be an amazing mother."

'Cause she looked at me, and she said,

"How do you love somebody so much that you've never met?"

Just to have that much love for your child...

How do you let that go?

Why?

Because I want to take a job, Cay.

‐ I don't want you to. ‐ Why?

‐ 'Cause I think that that's just...

a better place.

They are really trying to help you there,

and you said it yourself,

that that was your choice and nobody else's,

but that was a good choice,

and I don't know why you're gonna quit.

I was hoping you'd stay there for a while.

You have anything to say?

I understand what you're saying, and...

I don't mind staying at the sober house.

I just ‐‐ I ‐‐

Getting a job and moving forward...

it's something that I feel I need to do.

‐ Well, what if it doesn't work?

What if the sober house is the only thing

that's keeping you

going the way you're supposed to?

I don't know. You can do whatever you want.

‐ It's getting hot.

I don't know why this thing is not working.

It's pissing me off, though.

‐ Mommy...

‐ What?

‐ It's okay.

Let's just move on with our lives.

‐ I need my purse.

‐ Can you go see if I have a lighter in my purse?

‐ No. ‐ Please?

No.

Can you go get me my purse?

‐ Over my dead body.

‐ Please? ‐ No.

‐ Alright. I got to get my purse.

‐ No. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Over my dead body.

‐ I'm going to get my purse. ‐ No, you're not.

‐ Yeah, I am. ‐ Do you love me?

‐ Yes, but I'm still going to get my purse.

‐ Why?

‐ 'Cause I need a lighter.

‐ Why? ‐ 'Cause.

‐ 'Cause why?

‐ You know, there's a...

house...

down on my road,

and it's a nice house,

and it's, like, empty.

You could maybe get it

if you save enough money.

‐ Oh, yeah? ‐ Yeah.

So that way, whenever I wanted to see you,

just walk down.

And we can have sleep‐overs

all the time.

That would be fun.

‐ I had good day.

‐ Me too.

Remember that?

This is supposed to be put away with my stuff.

‐ Do you? ‐ What's that?

‐ Yeah. ‐ What is it?

‐ Your mother got me that.

‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.

I think it was a Mother's Day or something years ago.

It's for knickknacks.

‐ I love you. ‐ I love you, too.

‐ Thank you.

‐ Please.

‐ Love you.

I love you, too.

‐ Don't cry, baby.

‐ I'm gonna see you Friday.

‐ Probably we'll see you Friday.

- Thank you for coming up. - Bye.

What are you doing?

Um, nothing.

Nothing.

Um...

I am on my way to Gorham,

but I really, really want to get high right now.

So...

Like, five minutes.

Alright.

Alright. Bye.

What are you gonna do?

‐ I'm gonna get high.

You can't have that camera on.

You should probably shut that off now.

Thanks for not leaving me.

I can't...

can't put myself through this again.

I cannot believe I fuckin'

really went through with it.

Oh, my God.

Like, I...

literally was, like,

talking myself out

of not talking myself out of it.

Like...

I don't get it.

I'm never gonna be a mom.

I went to see my daughter,

and I just had so many emotions going through me.

It's almost like

I was holding off to that point.

Alright. Look, I did it.

Like, I made it to see her.

I'm not a bad person, ,

and I hear people talk about people ‐‐

"Oh, this person got out.

She didn't even go see her kid.

She got high."

It's almost worse to go see them

and then get high and not go back

than it is to just not go at all.

Take it from me ‐‐ I used to get so mad at my mom.

Why'd you even come?

Why'd you even come?

What do you got to say for yourself?

You've got a house full of women

that were scared to death for you last night.

You can't come back to the house.

You know that, right?

Did you think I was gonna let you back in?

‐ I didn't...

I didn't know.

You didn't know. Okay. Alright.

So we know that's not gonna happen today.

My boyfriend wants me to move in with him.

Lucky's place is a safe option because he don't use drugs.

‐ What happened?

‐ What do you mean what happened?

‐ To your pants? You bought them like that?

We met a month or two before she went to jail,

and we got along right from the start,

but she still had drug issues.

I would be like, "I'm done,"

but I wouldn't follow through

with the, "I'm done."

She really is a great person

with a bad habit.

Everybody, "Listen, man.

She's a Geisinger.

Get the fuck out of there."

Once you get involved with that family,

their reputation is that of,

you're gonna get taken.

The odds are, you're probably gonna be getting arrested,

going to jail, you know?

And they're looking at you going, "What?"

My mother's family,

the Geisingers,

pretty much were just known for...

chaos and crime.

Drug dealers know us.

Cops know us.

Everybody in Portland knows us.

- Don't blame him. - I'm not blaming him.

I'm blaming you.

Blame him.

Jacinta's my sister,

and Rosemary is my mother.

What are your charges usually?

Drugs, guns, and burglary.

I got taken away from my mom when I was 11,

but I was always running away from group homes

or escaping from the youth center.

When I was on the run, my mom was the one

that would always come and get me,

and I would stay there with her.

My nana gave my mom this big floor screen TV,

and my mom had the guts taken out ‐‐

that way, when you pushed the TV against the wall,

it looks like a regular TV 'cause you can't see inside.

So whenever the cops or probation would come,

I'd get inside the TV,

and they would push it against the wall,

and I would just sit in there and watch, like,

the youth center staff or her probation officer

talk to her, look, search the house for me,

and the whole time

I'm sitting there, watching them through the TV.

It's pretty funny.

That's my niece, Caylynn, my sister's daughter,

and my sister.

Jacinta lived mostly with her father.

I don't know how old she was when she actually really started

to go to live with my mom.

But she was just so...

innocent.

My mom started hanging out with the bad guys,

who sold drugs and did drugs.

That's when Jacinta started to get involved

in the things that she was doing and started doing drugs

and doing all of the stuff

that me and my mom was doing.

I was 16 when I first started smoking crack with my mother.

Jacinta...

she looked up to me.

She seen me doing it.

Yeah.

No.

Uh, it sucked.

Um...

I think it was ‐‐

One of the hardest things I did was seeing her in there...

and knowing the things that went on there with people.

And that's when I realized that I really fucked her life up.

Alls Jacinta wanted, always, was my mother,

and all Caylynn wants is Jacinta.

I mean, what kid don't want their parent?

‐ My family's fucked. They're twisted,

But hers is, like, fucking pretzel twisted.

You don't even know.

If her mother's out,

Jacinta will do anything in the world for her mother.

Anything in the world.

Why is that, Jacinta?

What are you thinking?

You don't? Or you do?

You don't, but you do.

‐ I do, but I don't.

I just don't know how to explain it...

honestly.

It just make things okay.

It's like that...

best friend that never talks back, you know?

Why are you shaking?

Look at me.

Come here, baby.

Look at me.

You okay?

What am I gonna do with you?

My mother ‐‐ she always dressed so fancy,

and her hair was always done,

and I love the way she spoke.

I just picked up on everything,

every mistake she made,

and I loved it.

I loved the way she drove a car.

I would sit in the back seat,

and you could see both of us in the rearview mirror.

I would forget that my reflection

was there, as well,

and I would stare right at her.

When I would look at myself,

just in the mirror by myself,

I would literally see her.

I wanted to be like her,

not that I wanted to pick up her mistakes,

but if that's what it took,

I was willing to do it.

Alright, Caylynn.

When I go to cheer practice,

my personal issues just kind of go away.

It's not a sport for me.

It's more of a getaway.

Jacinta was a cheerleader.

I think a lot of things Jacinta told Caylynn

that she's like to do

have now become things that Caylynn is obsessed with.

Caylynn was telling me,

"I haven't heard from my mother."

We've actually, you know, blamed it on the drugs,

and we just say that's what ‐‐

why she does the things she does.

‐ We always have told her,

"She loves you more than anything.

She just doesn't even know how to love herself."

I really just want my mom.

Why isn't she staying around?

I'm feeling like...

it was my fault.

Maybe if I had been a different person

she would've stuck around a little longer.

I don't know how Jacinta really feels,

but I know doing drugs, she's blocking it all out.

I know that's a fact.

From one addict to another, that's a fact.

It'll block everything out.

‐ Oh, shit.

Me and Jacinta went to Lewiston one day.

She was using, and then I asked her,

"Hey, can I get some of that from you? Fuck it."

I gave her $20 and got a shot off of her,

and ever since then,

I've started to use with Jacinta.

I got it stuck.

Her daughter called Shaun last night.

Her daughter is hurt,

and I've been in that situation, too.

I've chosen drugs over both my kids.

I can't say anything different.

Come on, Jacinta.

Oh, that's her.

Hey, I'm in front of Old Navy.

Do you see me?

‐ Not bad.

What do you think?

Fucking right.

How did you learn to shoplift?

Watching my mom.

I've been watching her since I was in the fucking carriage.

She used to use my fucking stroller.

I'm my mom's ride or die.

I might've been, like, 14 years old.

My mom got pulled over.

She, like, gave me a look

that, like, I knew that something was wrong,

like, I needed to start looking for something.

I grabbed those 2 ounces of coke,

and I stuck them down my pants,

and I got out of the car, and the cop goes,

"I need you to stay in the vehicle."

And I was like, "I have a kidney disease.

I have to go to the bathroom,"

and I brought those into the bathroom

on the main turnpike.

My mom got arrested,

and then she called from the jail,

and I was like, "Mom, I hid that stuff."

We went back and picked it up, like, four hours later.

It was still there.

Mm‐hmm.

That's a ride or die. There you go.

I felt like I made my mom proud.

‐ Yeah, I could see that.

You probably did.

Some of the things

they couldn't prove me guilty of.

Stealing clothes. Stealing food.

They're saying that's me.

Is that you? No.

Well, that's what a jury would say, too.

Well, what's the truth?

Is that you? No.

‐ Is it? You tell me.

If you was the jury, what would you say?

I mean, it's hard to tell.

It looks... ‐ There you go.

You have to be 100% sure on a jury.

My dad was here in prison before,

and he's always been in and out

of drinking and doing drugs.

It's kind of hard to talk about, but I was, you know,

molested and ‐‐ by my dad.

I'm gonna get teary‐eyed.

That's okay.

I can remember my sisters trying to, like,

hide me in closets and stuff, trying to protect me.

I can remember hearing my father's car

pull up late at night,

and they'd run and, like, put me under that bed.

I can remember, like, hearing ‐‐

rolling under the bed.

When Jacinta got molested,

this guy was babysitting when we went bowling.

I seen the signs afterwards 'cause she was always crying,

didn't want me to leave her there,

and she was screaming, like, "No, mommy!

No, mommy! No, mommy!"

And I can picture now, like...

why'd I leave her there?

So I lived, like, in a lot of shame and guilt

and, you know, resentment all my life.

I feel like living in all that you can never move forward.

Have you ever done any meditation or relaxation or...

‐ Yeah, I've done all that, but when I get in this space...

‐ I'm saying before you get this far,

like, take some self ‐‐ some time.

‐ Like, I can't ‐‐ I don't know what to do with the feelings,

with the emotions that are going through ‐‐

‐ So scattered thoughts, basically?

‐ Yeah.

‐ 'Cause when your brain's like that,

you just need to calm it down.

You need to quiet it, right?

‐ It's weighing on my mind about Jacinta, her using.

I know I can't control it.

Mm‐hmm. Yep.

You just gotta remember she's 27 years old.

The more you separate,

you know...

the better for both of you.

It's a hard life.

I know.

‐ Hello?

You have a call from...

‐ Rosemary. ‐ Confined at

a Maine Department of Corrections facility.

‐ I thought you just said they wouldn't let me be sick.

It's been four months since I saw my daughter.

I don't want Caylynn to see me when I'm using,

but I know she wants to see me,

and I want to see her.

Caylynn, Milky Ways?

Caylynn, why don't you guys pick up your candy?

‐ That's my mom.

You're mama...

‐ Persistent, huh?

‐ Whose baby?

‐ It's my brother Shaun's baby.

That's your brother Shaun's baby?

‐ Where's Uncle Shaun? ‐ Hi.

He didn't come, baby.

‐ Mommy, how long are you staying?

You got to go to bed really pretty quickly.

It's already your bedtime now.

I'm gonna let you stay for a short amount of time, but...

I don't even like candy.

I'm just eating it. ‐ No, it's only 7:30.

I don't have to go to bed for awhile.

‐ I don't have to go to bed.

‐ Gotta get some pictures, bubba.

Here, take a couple pictures with mama.

What did you get?

Where's the cheese balls?

‐ I don't have any.

What you got there, bub?

This is my baby.

‐ Who? ‐ Ba‐bay.

‐ What did you say? ‐ I said, "This is my baby."

‐ Who? ‐ You.

‐ Oh.

‐ Look at that butt.

‐ Stop!

‐ Where did you get all that?

You got that from me.

You're going to be going to bed,

like, real, real soon.

Where are you going?

‐ Get ready for bed. ‐ No, Mommy.

‐ Listen, stand up.

I'm just done.

I'm exhausted.

Caylynn is over it.

You can only tell them you're sorry so many times.

It's not even guilt anymore. It's not even shame anymore.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Cold sweats, nausea, legs, everything.

Where's Lucky?

He's in the kitchen.

He said he wouldn't leave.

Oh, fuck!

In detoxing, your muscles cramp.

You're restless.

The body aches. You're just ‐‐

Your temperature can't get right.

You're just in hell.

I can't fucking do this.

I need something to knock me the fuck out.

Ugh, fuck.

Ow.

Hello? Jacint?

Jacint? Jacinta?

Hmm?

Please go to the hospital for tonight.

Baby, please do it for me.

Please, baby.

‐ Hello?

Yeah.

She's gonna go?

Okay.

‐ I can't do this.

‐ Okay.

I need to get on the floor. I need to get on the floor.

I need to get on the floor. Please.

‐ How you doing?

‐ Don't touch me.

Let's go. Baby, let's go. Please, please.

‐ 10 more minutes.

Do you want me to pay for the methadone?

You want to go to the methadone tomorrow?

Or you want to just keep going straight like this?

'Cause I can't have you go back, Jacinta.

I can't have you go back to this stuff,

I don't want you to go back, Jacinta.

I can't. I can't do this.

‐ Have we the pleasure of addressing

Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

‐ It's no pleasure to me, sir,

to be addressed by either of you.

‐ This is probably

the easiest detox I've ever been through.

I'm through it, Mom.

I'm through it.

Are you proud of me?

I won't, Mom.

I won't.

She detoxed for 3 days.

Now she wants to go spend quality time with her father.

Basically, she takes off.

Goes starts up again.

Those three days...

were for nothing.

I know how smart she is.

I know what she can accomplish.

She's way smarter than me,

but, you know, let's face it,

Lewiston‐Auburn is not a good place to kick a habit.

There's nothing good in Lewiston.

Lewiston is an old mill town.

Drugs.

Jacinta knows everybody.

She knows everybody.

Where is she now?

She's been gone 40 minutes with the truck.

I hate this life. I fucking hate it.

When you heard that she was detoxing,

did you believe it was going to happen?

‐ No.

Nope.

No.

No.

- What's the matter? - Did anyone notice

we had a thunderstorm last night?

Yeah, we were just saying how much...

Christmas used to be a big thing.

Presents ‐‐

There's always one hidden in the tree

that she'd have to find, yeah.

10:30, 11:00, then we'd go to bed.

Then she'd wake up the next morning,

and all the trees be cut.

"Santa did come! Santa did come!"

Yeah.

I don't know.

We had a lot of good times.

‐ Then it just became money in an envelope.

"Merry Christmas, kid." ‐ That wasn't very nice.

That's right. What am I supposed to do?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I don't know what the hell to buy you.

Here, money in the envelope,

That's ‐‐ That's well put.

That's what it is.

‐ Christmas.

‐ I'm so excited for Christmas.

Yeah, we know.

‐ I'm just ‐‐ I'm just in that spirit, you know?

I just love it. It's full of joy.

As long as you're good, you know,

'cause Santa Claus don't get bad kids anything.

‐ Santa Claus...

can climb up the chimney and walk on out.

That ain't the Christmas spirit.

No, I never expected this to happen,

honestly, growing up.

Over time when Rosemary asked to see Jacinta, to visit,

I took Jacinta there to visit Rosemary,

and I'd pick her up.

You know...

she's got to see her mother.

You know, can't keep them apart.

Started going sour when she was, what, 10 or 11.

She wanted to move in with her mother,

and Rosemary really wanted her back.

Somehow, some way, it got to the point where...

Jacinta can make up her own mind.

And I don't know what the age is,

whether it's 13 or 14 in the state of Maine.

If they want to stay with their,

you know, their mother, they can,

if they want to stay with their father,

so that would've been another fight

in court, basically.

And it was like, "Okay, Jacinta.

Give it a shot. See what happens."

I had letters from my mom

circling around my room.

I remember my grandmother had told me ‐‐

the one that I live with...

She had told me, "I know you're sad now,

and I know it doesn't feel good, but once you're older,

you're not gonna be sad anymore.

You're gonna be mad," and I didn't believe her.

I was like, "I'm never gonna be mad at my mom or dad."

Like, I was a little kid, and I didn't understand it.

But, um...

And, um... I started to get angry with them.

My mom hasn't called me in, like, three months.

If you don't want to be a part of my life,

don't be a part of it.

Caylynn said, "I can't take this.

It's the same old song. 'I wish we could.

Maybe we could. Could we maybe.'"

I said, "Cay, baby, what are you talking about?

Tell me more, princess."

"It's so hard to love someone like this,

caught in a blizzard,

but my heart can't take another civil war."

‐ Holy fuck.

‐ "The only thing you say you care about is me.

We both know it's money, drugs, and Lucky,

who you say you love, but you don't.

So, stop taking me in your ‐‐

stop taking me in your twisted lies

because I don't need them."

Jacinta...

You got to do this, honey,

if it means going to the middle of fucking nowhere...

to a treatment center, like...

‐ She just wants me to leave her alone.

Caylynn has told me she doesn't want to talk to me,

stay out of her life.

My baby knows how to make the right decision.

I'm proud of her.

I know that if she keeps that skill in her life,

protecting herself,

she's always gonna have peace at heart.

Have I made the choice to get high

instead of see my child?

Yes.

But it's not where my heart ever wanted to be.

Susan...

‐ Hi, baby.

Hi.

Want a hit?

‐ Lucky!

Lucky was the man that was gonna protect me and...

pull me out of it, you know what I mean?

The non‐addict is way up here, and the addict's down here,

and they reach up for somebody for help,

and instead of them pulling you up,

you pull them down.

Yeah, I feel like I don't even got a choice anymore.

Like...

I have ‐‐ I have to get high.

Like...

it's just what my life is.

See the amount of this?

Mm‐hmm.

That's pure fentanyl.

It's just extremely powerful.

Jacinta's died before.

Her dad told me he brought her back to life.

He slapped the shit out of her a few times.

She came out of it.

People have tried talking to her.

She's tried counseling.

She's tried rehab, prison, sober house.

She got kicked out of the sober house.

She stopped therapy on her own.

She's went back to jail several times,

and I've tried to explain to her over and over and over.

It ju‐‐ It goes in one ear and right out the other.

I just don't know what she should do.

‐ All we can do is hope...

that it ends.

'Cause I really don't see...

I really don't see it ending.

Not unless something drastic happened to her.

You know?

Jacinta heard a pocket dial

where they were talking about

busting into her dad's house.

Jacinta wasn't there.

She called 911.

Turned out, it was some local people

that are suspected of being drug dealers.

Jacinta stole $60,000 worth of drugs.

These guys were looking to harm her.

I got a call from Jacinta's father.

He heard people were out to do harm to her.

Rick had given me the information

about the vehicle that Jacinta was driving.

‐ He asked me, "How much does she have?

What did she steal?" I said, "I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know.

You know, I just know that these people

are after her because she ripped them off.

Why she ripped them off, I don't know."

Mm‐hmm. I said, "I hope you get her before they get her."

Okay.

Nobody in this room's gonna hurt you, okay?

You are not free to leave, okay?

We're here t‐t‐to take control of this, okay?

You're going down the rabbit hole,

and we want to pull you back out.

Does that make sense?

Okay.

Can we get you something to drink?

‐ I'm okay.

‐ Huh? ‐ I'm okay.

You're okay? You sure?

‐ Yeah.

Okay.

So why do you think you're in here?

‐ Um...

‐ Mm‐hmm.

Where have you been living?

‐ Kind of everywhere. Why?

‐ Mm‐hmm. And why is that?

Whoever did it, whatever was said...

I know what I told Nick ‐‐

‐ what the car was and stuff. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ He asked me, did I know where she was?

I said, "No." ‐ Exactly.

‐ Bottom line is, she's still alive, so...

I mean, she could be dead.

‐ Yeah. ‐ So...

‐ You were worried. ‐ I don't ‐‐ I don't care.

‐ You weren't ratting her out. You were worried.

But I would. ‐ No, I wanted her pulled over,

is what I told him.

Oh, geez.

You knew she had all that shit on her.

‐ I know she had it on her.

Seem like you're directing it like I ratted her out,

and I didn't rat her out.

‐ In a way, you kinda did. ‐ That's your opinion.

‐ But, I mean, that's ‐‐ ‐ That's you're opinion.

‐ You didn't rat ‐‐ Yeah, but I'm saying to you,

you didn't rat her out to get her in trouble.

You ratted out ‐‐ her out because you were scared.

‐ 'Cause I was detoxing and...

Had a seizure.

She just was going through a bad detox.

‐ They caught me with...

2 ounces of heroin and an ounce of crack.

Can you tell me... how you got all of that?

‐ Yeah. I, um...

I saw a drug dealer open his safe,

and I saw the combination.

And...

I literally walked a ledge

across a roof this big.

If I didn't ‐‐ If I didn't die getting there,

I was gonna die doing the drugs.

I didn't care.

479 people are talking about this post

of her being arrested.

A lot of people wrote some nasty comments.

"Addiction or not, you have choices."

"What a surprise.

Another scum‐sucking lowlife loser."

Jacinta's in this situation because of Rosemary.

Had she never started or did any crack

with her daughter or her sons...

they wouldn't be there.

This wouldn't have happened.

Absolutely.

‐ When Jacinta was 15,

Rosemary put her out on the street to suck dick

so Rosemary didn't have to.

You didn't know that? You didn't know that?

She didn't tell me that.

‐ Every time she's out, them two run together.

Control. Elevator 1B up to three, please.

Were you prostituting at 15?

Did your mom...

kind of push you out there a little bit?

‐ I don't think my mom meant to hurt me.

She didn't know any better.

I... admire...

my mom.

She's...

the strongest, most beautiful woman

I've ever met in my life.

She just...

She wasn't taught...

how to mother.

I'm very upset with my mom.

I ain't talked to her.

When she tried to call, I kept declining it,

but she sent me letters,

basically, apologizing.

Hello?

- Hello. - Hey, honey.

Hey, Daddy.

What's wrong?

My lawyer just came in.

His words were, "There's no other way to put it,

but you're in a world of shit."

What the hell does that mean?

It's a mandatory minimum of 15 years.

15?!

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He's gonna try to fight this

as much as he can.

Oh.

Based on the quantity of the drugs,

she was looking at substantial prison time.

But I think all the parties involved,

including the prosecution,

realized the environment she grew up in.

She's become a product of her environment.

Originally, my goal was

to get her into treatment out of the area.

During this whole time, though, Jacinta was also asking me

to get a plea offer, get a plea offer.

‐ Okay.

She's looking at a four‐year mandatory minimum.

Well, you haven't really had a chance

to kind of develop your best, you know, defense

or your best, what we call, mitigation, in terms of why,

what the sentence should be for you.

I'm really asking you to consider

delaying your plea

until next month.

Frankly, your story is a complicated story,

and it will take some time for Mr. Lovascio

to try to convince the prosecutor.

‐ I'm just tired.

‐ Okay. ‐ I'm just tired.

‐ I understand. ‐ I'm ready to get it over with,

- whatever it is. - Okay.

‐ I'm still okay with pleading guilty.

Okay.

‐ Three years, four years, it doesn't matter to me.

Not like it's changing a significant amount.

I just feel bad for my family.

Like, they're sitting there, like...

Do you know what I mean? To them, it seems like a lot.

Just ready to go, move on, let it go.

It happened.

Sit down.

On April 13, 2017, in Lewiston,

that you did intentionally and knowingly traffic

in what you knew and believed to be a scheduled drug,

which was, in fact, heroin.

I think it's a matter

of getting out of jail and over to the prison

where she feels she has a chance to see her mother.

So, ma'am, do you understand that charge?

‐ I do. ‐ And how do you plea?

‐ Guilty.

I'd rather be inside than...

using and outside.

Yep.

If God gave me the choice,

"Jacinta, you could do 10 years in prison,

or you could do 10 years as an addict,"

I'd do 10 years in prison.

In the back of my mind, I'm always in prison anyway.

Doesn't matter.

‐ You can hear the little click.

‐ Hi!

‐ Hey, cubby.

‐ I know!

‐ How you doing? ‐ You look good.

‐ I do? ‐ You look good.

Yeah. ‐ I look chubby.

‐ Yeah, yeah. ‐ Oh, well.

‐ I'd rather see you that way than skinny.

‐ Why didn't I bring my glasses in?

‐ Did you want me to read it to you?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Okay.

It says, "Hi, Mommy. I miss you so, so much.

I just want to say, no matter what happens,

I am always gonna love you, even if you're three hours away,

and I know you probably want me to say stuff,

but instead, I want to write you a song that reminds me of you.

If I'm the sun, you're the moon.

If I'm the words, then you're the tune.

There are times my world is crumbling

and the rain is crashing down,

but everywhere you are, the sun comes up.

Even when you're gone, I feel you close.

You'll always be the one I love the most.

P. S., don't forget to blow me a kiss to the stars, mwah."

‐ Aww, that's beautiful. ‐ Look at how much I've read it.

Like, you can literally see through ‐‐

‐It's ripping, but...

I keep it in my pocket every day.

‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.

Every day.

So, in the beginning, I had nothing better to do

than to let you film me.

And then when I got out,

I convinced myself that I could ‐‐

this could be a documentary

about a success story.

Then when I started using, I figured this is part of it.

Like, this is part of recovery.

Like, it doesn't have to end here.

Like, I wasn't gonna give up.

And being back now,

it's a little depressing.

That doesn't have to be where it ends.

I've been here 13 months clean.

I'm stronger. I'm healthier.

But I'm not done.

I could not get out today and go back to Lewiston.

I know that my addiction

is way stronger than I am.

My soul is still alive,

and my willpower is strong.

I just want this to be the last time.

I feel like this place has brainwashed me

into feeling like my mom and I are unhealthy.

When I got here,

they wouldn't let us be housed together.

We didn't see each other.

You said something about feeling

like you were chasing your mom through the system?

‐ It's kind of like...

taking the first...

sentence they give you,

thinking you're gonna see your mom.

And then you get here,

and they ship her out ‐‐

the next day.

‐ High‐risk factors that lead to offense ‐‐

hanging around some family members,

stop working my program, unhealthy situation,

going to the mall with intents to steal.

Those are all just different things...

that would lead me up to relapsing.

I had to make that before I left the prison.

‐ Oh, hell yeah.

If I was out when she did that,

I would've been with her.

100%.

I'd have been doing time with her right now.

Don't get me wrong. It don't make me feel good.

I just know where...

where we stand together.

We have such a bond

that it's unhealthy.

It really was,

and it really still is.

When I got the news my daughter was coming to the prison,

she's supposed to come up to the women's center

where I was at,

but they kept me and Jacinta apart.

Are you gonna try to separate a mother and a daughter?

Are you serious?

Christ, she was at the top of the hill,

and I'm at the bottom of the hill of the prison.

I'm yelling up to her.

‐ I love you.

That was enough to let her know

I'm still thinking about her, and she'd yell down to me.

We get caught, it's a write‐up, class A write‐up ‐‐

communication between another inmate.

But how do we do it healthy?

'Cause I'm not gonna give up on my daughter.

Mark my words.

Three years ‐‐ that's when Jacinta is out.

You think she ain't gonna come running to me?

At the end of the day, it's not my mom's fault,

you know, how we turned out.

I think my mom is confused.

I mean, I don't doubt that she loves us, no.

But I think what she knows of love

and what love really is ‐‐

two different things.

I was loving people the way that she loved me,

giving them drugs or going out stealing with them

and getting them nice clothes or nice things.

That's the love that I got from my mother, and...

that's when I realized that she loved us,

but in the wrong ways.

Love is when you...

love someone enough to make changes for them.

She's my mom, and I want to believe

that she's gonna get better.

But she has a problem,

and it's gonna take more than prison to get over it.

You are receiving a call from...

‐ Jacinta.

An inmate in...

Maine Correctional Center.

Hi, Mom.

The form of research that's most commonly done

to understand this is called ethnomethodology.

Ethnomethodology is a way of studying the assumptions

people make about the behaviors that they engage in.

Who or what might be an agent of socialization?

Who taught you something

that you needed to know for later in life?

Your mother, our family, right?

Our family is a huge agent of socialization for us.

No, it's not, or whatever. Does that kind of make sense?

I know it's a little bit weird, but...

My mother is always gonna be amazing to me...

as sick as people see it to be.

I can accept my mother

and her addiction and her incarcerations,

her mistakes.

I just don't have to be involved.

It's been three years since I saw my daughter.

I can't believe three years has gone by.

Jacinta Hunt.

‐ I remember when my mom was in jail...

she used to be like,

"I can't wait to smell your hair,"

and I used to think she was crazy.

And...

that's exactly

the things I think about.

And I think all the time

about the day that she left,

and I just kept telling her like,

"Caylynn, I'll always come back for you.

I promise, I'll always come back for you."

And it's, like...

the one promise I should've kept good on.

I guess it's not necessarily too late,

but it kind of is.

My mom has explained to me

when she first held me

the emotions that went through her.

Giving me up,

she probably felt like...

she knew that she wasn't ready.

So she needed to let go,

and it must have been hard, but...

it was selfless,

but it was also selfish because she let go

because she knew she couldn't stop.

Her not being able to stop, for me, was selfish,

but what was selfless was knowing

that I'd be safe somewhere else.

And I am, so...

Yeah.

‐ This is her first furlough.

First time of the times she's been in prison

ever her having a furlough.

If she decides to take off, I got my taser.

Brrrr!

Taser her.

‐ Hi, Daddy.

‐ Boy, you ready? ‐ Yeah, I am ready.

‐ I'm not going.

5:00.

Ehhh!

I'm so excited!

Come on!

Ahh, I can't wait!

Do I know you?

Come here!

Oh, my God!

I missed you! ‐ I stopped eating my ‐‐

I stopped eating my fries for you.

‐ No, you didn't. You would've come in if you did.

Look at you!

I love you so much!

I love you.

You can't cry 'cause then I'll cry.

‐ You're so beautiful!

I'm sorry it's been so long.

‐ It's okay.

‐ I can't believe it's real.

I didn't send Caylynn with Wanda

because I didn't love her.

I sent Caylynn with Wanda because I did.

Contrary to popular belief,

it takes a good mother to know

when they can't do what's right.

Just like that.