Original subtitles

[Yawns] Well, fell asleep

reading the dictionary again.

Classic Zach.

You guys are probably asking

yourselves, "hey, what am I

watching here?

Slow down."

Well, brace yourselves, America.

You are watching exclusive

behind-the-scenes footage of a

pre-celebrity.

Yesterday, I, Zach stone,

graduated from high school.

Today is the first day of the

rest of my life.

Good. Good, guys.

Intimate.

Are any of you guys in the shot?

No.

Good. Good.

Let's keep this professional,

okay?

[Quirky music]

* Zach stone

* is gonna be famous

* Zach stone

* is gonna be famous

* Zach stone

* is gonna be famous

* Zach stone

* is gonna be famous

* Zach stone, Zach stone

I played the game for

12 years.

Grades, plays, sports,

extracurriculars, philanthropy.

I was a bit of a Woody Allen

meets Jason statham-

Ferris Bueller.

Dude, what the [Bleep] are

you doing in my room?

Oh, cut, please.

I am just...

dude, what did you do to my

posters?

I don't want to have

clearance issues, Andy.

Zach, get out. Get out.

It's over your head. Okay.

Wardrobe change.

* hanging with Zach

I am lucky enough to have two

loving and open-minded parents

who are beyond supportive of my

decision to spend my entire life

savings on a reality show about

myself, so...

It's the dumbest thing you've

ever done, Zach.

Not true. Not true.

You have worked for three

years at the grocery store

saving all that money.

Tons of money.

Uh-huh, well, are you sure

you want to spend it on this?

Uh, yeah, do I want to spend

my money on my dreams?

Let me think about that.

Ding, yes, because I live in

America.

Ever heard of it?

What exactly are you gonna be

famous for, Zach?

You don't act or sing.

You don't even have hidden

talents.

You give up on anything that

takes Patience or discipline.

You quit piano lessons 'cause

the stool was uncomfortable.

Okay, you didn't sit on the

stool, so you can't talk.

I can do anything.

Okay, I can be a famous writer,

producer, actor, director,

dancer, crab fisherman, slut.

Plenty of sluts still go to

college, Zach.

Ah, but you don't need to go

to college to be famous, guys.

Do you know why?

Because soulja boy, super

famous, and can't even read.

What about all your friends,

huh?

In a couple of months, they're

gonna be leaving, going to

college.

There's a lot of bad improv

going on here, okay, so if we

could just go first positions.

Cut.

So about something else, those

sports teams, win, lose, pick a

side.

[Cell phone rings]

Get my phone, will you?

Yup. Okay.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey.

Oh, hi, mark.

Just cheat up to camera a

little bit.

Oh, that's too bad.

No, cheat up. Cheat up.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, of course we'll help

out.

Yeah, okay, we'll see you soon.

Susan passed away last night.

Oh, I don't know who that is.

Ex-step-grandma Susan.

Grandpa's fourth wife.

Susan.

I'm gonna take it again.

What do you mean you're

gonna take that again?

[Sobs]

Oh, Jesus.

Zach.

God.

[Weeps]

Really, Jesus? Really?

Really?

And scene.

Nailed it. Oh, my...

Hey, Zach.

Okay, sorry.

A person died, okay?

I know. I know.

I know. It is sad.

But I nailed the sad.

Zachary.

Funerals are never fun.

But I feel like this one has

potential, you know?

I mean, this could be exactly

what I need.

It's exciting, it's exclusive,

it's black-tie, there's an

audience.

Where better for me to showcase

my talents?

You know?

Hey, Zach.

That's my good friend Amy.

[Clears throat]

Great girl, great girl, but I

don't really see how she fits

into this show.

You know, she's not the goth

girl, she's not the cheerleader,

and she definitely doesn't fit

into the girl-next-door role.

She actually lives four doors

down, so...

Okay, stop, don't be weird.

Hey, guys, this is my best

friend Greg leblanc.

Hello.

Yay, Greg.

Hey, yeah, what's up?

Greg and I, we... we dominated

high school together.

It was... it wasn't even fair.

We banged every cheerleader.

It was like you, you, you.

Do we have cheerleaders?

What about the parties, dude?

Tell 'em about the parties, the

ragers.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, my bar mitzvah...

no. Cut.

Do you know what I'm doing here?

Do you...

not right now.

I am trying to change my

life, okay?

We have the chance now.

We can be anything we want to

be, okay?

Could we just like... just kind

of be ourselves or just be more

real?

Yeah, let's be real, Greg.

Let's see how that works.

Uh, hey, I'm Zach.

This is my best friend Greg.

He shaves once every two hours.

I shave once every two months.

We had three girlfriends total

in high school.

I've had three girlfriends.

So three total.

We sit in the basement all day,

eating salty, salty foods and

pirating the latest

now that's what I call music!

Albums.

We didn't pirate.

* is gonna be famous

my mom.

* Zach stone is

hey, mom, sorry, I can't talk

to you right now.

I am... "Get flowers."

Getting...

cut the crap, Zach.

Your brother just called me.

He told me that the Volvo's

parked in Greg's driveway.

Well, Andy's a sociopath,

so...

Hello, Gregory.

You're not on speakerphone.

Hi, Mrs. stone.

So Boston college next year,

huh?

Yeah, it's... that's whatever.

Yeah, it's a great school.

Your parents must be so proud.

Okay, well, Greg and I are

just heading into a tunnel now.

Zach, listen to me, there's

one more thing.

We were wondering if you might

want to do a reading at the

funeral tomorrow.

Something... something short.

A minute tops.

Yes, yes, yes.

Give me the spotlight, and I'm

gonna seize it.

I will not disappoint you.

You're the best mother ever.

I love you. Good-bye.

Zach...

gotta let go.

I'm headlining.

Out. We're moving.

It's athletic.

It's like the amazing race.

It's urgent, multicultural, and

a twirl.

Hood slide, here we go.

Whoa, easy. Dismount.

Ow, ow, ow. Here we go.

Okay, I gotta get home and plan

my act and then keep running

with...

hey, sweetie.

Holy [Bleep].

Okay. All right.

Cut. Why are you...

dude, I'm trying to talk to

you.

Well, it's breaking and

entering if you broke anything,

okay?

Why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird.

I've been running errands for my

mom all week, so...

yeah, well, you practically

peeled out trying to get away.

Well, that's not my fault,

okay?

Because this car had a tune-up

recently and is now equipped

with horsepower.

Horsepower?

Yeah.

Zach, I'm going to college in

a couple of months.

Okay, you don't think I know

that, Amy?

Everyone's leaving. Okay?

If I don't get famous, I'm gonna

be stuck in this town, working

at a coal mine for the rest of

my life.

There are no coal mines here.

Yeah, it's a figure of

speech.

Zach, you're gonna be fine.

You're always fine.

Yeah, how fine am I gonna be

in three months when you're, you

know, off at some frat party

and I'm stuck...

oh, my god, here comes the

frat party speech.

I'm just saying, cover your

cups, okay?

Because those boys are

professional date rapers.

It's rapists.

Yeah, well, "tomayto,"

"tomahto."

They both rape.

It's gonna be weird next year.

It's gonna be weird.

Yeah, I know.

Mm, does it have to start now?

Oh, [Bleep] Come on!

Are you... are you...[Bleep]!

Come on. Here we go.

Okay, wait, wait, Zach,

you're not backing up.

I'm making my own privacy.

I'm making my own privacy, okay?

All right, this... all right, this

solved nothing.

So my mom gave me this list of

errands to do for the funeral,

but the problem is she

completely low-balled

everything.

Two dozen roses? Boom!

Make that a dozen dozen roses.

Okay, "pick up your uncle mark

from the airport"?

Not in this piece of [Bleep].

"Hors d'oeuvres."

Okay, that's French.

I recognize that.

But I don't speak French, so I

went with a surefire bet of

glitter.

Wonderful.

Uh, "get deodorant."

I gotta get deodorant.

At this point, you guys are

probably thinking, "Zach, you

are clearly throwing an amazing

funeral, well done.

Now you gotta worry about

finding a date."

Kristy was the hottest girl in

my high school.

I never really got the chance to

talk to her, but that was before

I had the best wingman in the

world.

Thanks?

Not you. The camera.

Oh, guy with glasses, you've

been promoted to set decorator.

All right, whoo, so just dress

the set, make it look romantic.

You want me to dress the set?

Romantic.

Usually, when you want to

court a girl, you gotta go

through a whole rigmarole.

You know, you got to... you got to

meet her parents, you got to

talk to her on the phone, you

got to go swimming with her

brother.

But there's only one thing you

need in order to know everything

you need to know about a girl

like kristy Ackerman.

The Internet.

Boom. Here we go.

Look, I'm gonna Facebook her

right now.

Hold on one second.

Oh, look.

Look, in five seconds, I know

that she likes diet dr pepper,

shades of hot pink, and

Nicki Minaj.

Awesome.

Dislikes banana-flavored candy

and 9/11.

Classy.

And her favorite quote is,

"anyone want a piece of this

[bleep] Cake?"

Attributed to her.

It's gonna be easier than I

thought.

Here we go.

You work fast, dude.

Oh.

Kristy Ackerman.

Do I know you?

Yes, I was the grade above

you at Redding high.

Okay, what is up with the

cameras and the petals?

Oh, I'm making a little TV

show about myself.

I think I remember you now.

Yes.

You're the guy with the

backpack.

Yes, yes, more of a

briefcase, but...

Look, I don't know if you sell

diet dr pepper here...

I was sitting in my car, I was

really sad 'cause I was

thinking 9/11 all day, and I

was listening to Nicki Minaj to

cheer myself up, and I was

thinking a diet dr pepper would

really hit the spot right now.

I don't know if you sell them.

That is, like, how I start

out every day of my life.

Get out of here.

We don't sell any here, but I

have one.

Always have an extra.

Oh, my. Personal stash?

Yeah.

[Pop]

Ooh.

Mm. Mm.

That is warm.

Can you believe how much we have

in common?

I know. It's really weird.

Yeah, it's a good weird,

though.

Good weird.

Mm.

I was planning a party, sort

of a going-away party.

Gonna be the bash of the

century.

All my friends are gonna be

there.

If you're interested, there's a

ticket with your name on it

literally.

So...

Sure.

Yeah.

I'll go.

Yeah, she'll go.

Just I'll give you my number.

Yes, write down the old

number on that.

There she is.

Ah, so...

Yeah, just write it down.

She's gonna give me her number,

and then she's gonna place it

right in here.

No, here.

She's not, and I'm gonna

place it right in here.

So, yeah, maybe if you show up

early, we can share a slice of

that [Bleep] cake.

What'd you just say?

You know what, let's just...

Come to the party, and I'll see

you there.

Have you been reading my fa...

no.

Hot chick may come to the party.

Check. Come on. Yeah, man.

Yes.

Zach, where the hell have you

been?

Running errands for the

funeral.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'Cause your uncle mark

arrived from the airport in a

limousine.

Did it have a minibar?

I hooked him up with a minibar.

How are you gonna pay for

that?

No, I didn't pay for it, dad.

Mom gave me this.

My credit card? Jeez.

Yeah.

You're gonna pay me back

every penny.

No, 'cause I can't afford a

limousine, let alone a dozen

dozen roses.

You bought a dozen roses with

this?

No, I bought a dozen dozen

roses with that.

You bought 12 dozen roses?

Uh, yeah, okay, you know

what, you might freak out...

I'm already freaking out.

You know what, never mind

then.

Never mind. I'll just go inside.

Where the hell are the

petals?

[Vacuum running]

Every room in the house.

Do you hear me?

You know, this will actually

make a really nice montage.

Zach, can you turn that thing

off?

I'm trying to work.

Yeah, what you writing there,

dude?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Let's see what nothing looks

like.

Hey.

"Grandma, I love you.

You'll always be near.

In my thoughts and my heart,

I have you right here."

[Snickers]

Oh, what is this [Bleep]?

Mom and dad gave me a poem

reading.

Probably just an opening for

my reading or something, but

this is...

I'm doing the reading.

Why would they do that?

Zach, mom and dad have been

yelling at you nonstop.

It's these frigging cameras.

You're being a psycho.

Mom asked you to help, didn't

she?

Yeah.

Yeah, and what did you do?

[Knock on doorframe]

Zach, I don't have time right

now.

Mom, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, I talked to my supervisor

at the grocery store, I'm

picking up four extra shifts

next week, and I'm gonna pay for

dad's credit card, so it's all

good.

That was responsible of you.

Is there anything else I can

do?

I can...

Zach, I've got a room full of

people in there who just lost a

loved one, so I want you to stop

all this TV nonsense and put

yourself in their shoes.

[Water sloshing]

[Water running]

I think I finally figured out

what I want to be famous for...

I want to be famous for making

people happy.

Oprah, bono, Mario Lopez... these

people change lives for the

better, and that's what I want

to do.

There's a room full of

heartbroken people downstairs

who didn't get to say good-bye

to a sweet, old lady named

Susan.

Until now.

[Knock on door]

Zach, you in there?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Listen, buddy, I spoke to

your mother, and I think I might

have underestimated you.

Or... or something.

Dad.

Everybody out. Let's go.

This stuff is expensive.

Outside.

Please.

[High voice] It's me, Susan.

Say your good-byes.

Would you stop? Zach!

[Normal voice] All right.

Get outside.

Go, guys. Just go.

Dad.

Hey, do you understand?

Get out. Get out of my house.

Outside.

Where am I supposed to go?

You go to Greg's house for a

couple days.

You took away my performance?

I can't even be there anymore?

Well, not with that camera

crew.

Are you... dad!

I can't leave, dad.

Literally. My dress is caught.

All I wanted to do was

perform at a funeral.

Is that so hard to ask, god?

Perform at a funeral?

Zach, what are you talking

about?

And why do I have to sit in the

backseat?

It's safer back there, okay?

There is less horsepower, okay?

You can never be too safe when

driving a vehicle, all right?

That was a stop sign.

Zach, stop the car.

No, it's fine. I'm fine.

I'm paying attention.

Stop the car.

Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.

Fine, all right, are you happy?

I stopped.

Is that...?

Are you...?

Stay here, okay?

Amy, Amy, dude.

What the hell, Zach?

What? What?

Why won't you let the camera

see me?

'Cause it's complicated,

okay? It's...

Really, are you embarrassed

of me or something?

No, no, why... obviously I'm

not embarrassed of you.

Then why are you doing this?

What am... what is this?

What am I doing? Tell me...

cutting me out of your life.

Look, okay, look, these...

Look, these cameras are a way

for me to change things, okay?

And you should... you should be

unedited or whatever.

Wish we had that on camera.

Are we done? Are we...

yeah.

Okay.

I just... i just feel like these

cameras, they're... they're making

me choose between the people I

care about, you know, like my

family, and the things I care

about, like my inevitable fame

and fortune.

[Laughs]

So what are you gonna do?

You guys are here.

Where's Zach?

Zach told us to wait out

here, though.

[Church music playing]

Mom, why haven't we started

yet?

Shh, shh.

What?

You haven't even started?

I am so sorry.

Our service was supposed to

begin ten minutes ago.

It's just gonna be another

couple of minutes.

Really, I promise.

What's going on?

I messed up.

What do you mean, you messed

up?

I think maybe it was all the

commotion at the house and you

in that dress.

Thank you.

But I somehow... i forgot to

confirm the priest.

You didn't get a priest, mom?

Shh, shh.

She's not gonna get into

heaven.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, she's

going to heaven.

He's coming. I texted him.

He's on his way.

It's just gonna be another

couple of minutes.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

Do you think that you might

be able to give that little

speech that you were gonna give?

You know, the little poem or

something?

Don't overplan.

I'm gonna get this party

started.

No, Zach...

You want me to get this...

Zach, what... oh, my... no.

* party started

* my mother approves

no, there's no...

* so we're green-lit

* my mother approves

I'm so sorry.

* so we're green-lit

* sorry for your loss

Zachary, Zach...

* but you're gonna have

* to wait, wait, wait

welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the funeral.

Sorry for the late start, but

that's appropriate for the late,

great...

Susan i-forget-her-last-name.

Okay, thank you very much.

It's a sad day, guys.

[Sighs]

I knew Susan as well as any of

you.

She was black?

She was black, okay?

She was black.

Deal with it, dad.

Rough start.

Normal. Keep it going.

The priest will be showing up

any minute now, but I would like

to sort of get the festivities

started with an original

composition.

[Beat-boxing]

* Susan

* we miss you

* you were gone too soon

[whispering] * gone too soon

* dub-step remix

* what?

[Imitates bass]

* lyrics

* you never, ever lose

* you always, always win

* we loved your gray hair

* and we loved your pale ski...

Doesn't work. Okay.

Change of pace, guys.

Keep the energy up.

We're in god's house.

Look at her, guys.

She's smiling.

She would have wanted you to

laugh, guys.

Laugh. Laugh.

Via jokes.

Knock, knock.

Who's... who's there?

Wilma.

[Softly] Wilma...

We'll miss you, Susan.

Really?

You want to be... you want to be

sad?

Well, I'm not gonna let you be.

'Cause we're moving.

* we're moving, sue

we're moving, Susan.

And we're moving to the piano.

The piano.

* a little song

* to remember Susan by

* I

that stool is very

uncomfortable.

Yeah, okay, keep on... mwah.

Okay.

Yeah, just, I want you to...

Zach.

Just...

She means a lot to all these

people, okay?

And she's...

She means a lot...

Okay, i... look.

Look, I know, I know, I know,

okay.

This is not working.

I don't... all right.

Life...

Life can be really hard.

Let me just...

I've learned this week that you

need to...

Need to Cherish people when you

have them, because you don't

know when they're gonna be gone.

It could be... it could be today,

it could be tomorrow, it could

be the orientation week.

The point is, you need to love

people while they're here

'cause you won't get a chance

when they're gone.

That's it.

That was very nice.

My parents said that I was

the star of the funeral.

I know it's not much, but even

will Smith had to start

somewhere, right?

I'm Zach stone, and the world

may not know it yet, but...

I'm gonna be famous.

Cut. Nailed it.

Next on Zach stone...

I decided what I want to be

famous for.

You're gonna be famous for

being quiet?

I'm gonna sing, guys.

How's the music coming?

I'm making an album.

Oh, my god, you are?

* I want to text with you

you doing something right

now?

I'm meeting up with kristy.

My ex-boyfriend Omar, he

works at the punkhole.

You're in Zach's band?

Oh, Zach's in my band.

Actually, we're in our band.

* we're the hotness

* and we don't give a [Bleep]