Original subtitles

CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(bell ringing)

(buzzing)

D-oh! (screams)

REV. LOVEJOY: ...And may we burn

in painful and foul-smelling fire

forever and ever.

A...men...

...onite minister will be giving a guest sermon

next Sunday.

Go in peace.

A... (coughs)

Don't make me come up there.

-...men. -HOMER: Whoo-hoo!

MOE: Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking.

-(stomach growling) -Oh.

I'm starving.

Mom, can we go catholic

so we can get communion wafers and booze?

No. No one's going catholic.

Three children is enough, thank you.

Hang in there, son. I'm taking us out

for our traditional Sunday brunch.

DRIVER: Idiot! HOMER: He zinged you, Marge.

(giggling)

-(gasps) -Brunch is served.

(smacking loudly)

I feel guilty coming here every Sunday

and never actually buying anything.

Why? We're following the rules.

If it has a toothpick in it, it's free.

-Hey. -(smacking)

Ah, this is my kind of aisle,

soy substitute, whiz-less cheese...

(gasps) Oven-roasted cud.

It's packed in its own drool.

Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal.

(gasps) How about alfalfa-bits?

Those suck.

I hate this store.

But, sweetheart, Mommy--

I hate you , too.

I want to live with one of my dads.

Mmm.

So you say this product is known as fudge?

Yes, just like it was last week.

If you're going to get snippy,

I'll take my business elsewhere.

Cherry Garcia? Yuck.

Honey Bono? Desmond Tutti Fruitti?

Ech.

Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors.

(grunts)

Candy Warhol?

Xavier Nougat?

Nah. Nothing made of dead guys.

What's in the back?

-(grunting) -(shivering)

Hurry up! My hands are getting cold.

(Lisa sneezes)

Oh, my goodness, Homer,

get her out of there!

Ohh!

Ugh. Sherbet Hoover?

Oh. We've got to get you home

to a warm blanket and a cold compress.

Whoo!

(grunting)

(man clearing throat)

Those are eight dollars a pound, sport.

Hmm. Eight dollars a pound times

say, oh, five pounds is, umm...

Let's see.

How many pounds in a gallon?

Oh, I can't afford that.

(gasps) Unless...

(sneezes)

(laughing) I told you I'm a financial genius.

I buy an eight-dollar lobster,

fatten it into an $80 lobster

and eat the profits.

Lobsters need saltwater.

I'm way ahead of you.

BART: Dad, the fish.

Son, I'm still fine-tuning.

Eh-eh.

Uh-oh!

Eh-eh.

Perfect.

(sneezes)

Oh, you don't sound so good.

We'd better get you some cold medicine.

No problem, I picked some up at the store!

Oh.

Oh, Homey,

you made breakfast.

Nothing's too good for my one and only.

Eat, eat. You're nothing but skin and bones.

(sneezes)

Oh.

Oh, how are you feeling, sweetie?

(nasally voice) Much better.

(sneezes)

Oh, my. You're burning up.

I'm going to tell the school you're staying home.

I'm afraid I can't allow that.

Lisa...

Mom, no, wait!

We can make a deal!

You don't have anything I want.

Ohh...

NARRATOR: The ocean abounds

with fearsome creatures,

but none attacks its prey with more fury

than the seaweed shark.

The struggle is soon over.

Oh. You shouldn't be watching the learning channel.

You need to take it easy.

But I'm hardly learning at all.

Why don't you play with one of Bart's

video games instead?

Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.

-(sighs) -(evil laughter)

Foolish dingo, you must find and devour

the seven crystal babies,

or spend eternity trapped

in deep didgeri-doo!

(evil laughter)

I am so scared.

All right. I guess you're supposed

to go through this stupid door?

Hmm. I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.

What? Nunchuks? Those aren't even australian.

Oh, great. So I'm dead now.

Fine. I'm sick of this stupid game anyway.

Yes! I am just four power wands away

from an antigravity lozenge.

(gasps) Hope I don't run into that weird little troll.

Hi, Lisa.

LISA: No, pause, pause!

I brought your homework.

We have to read this.

LISA: The Wind In The Willows?

It's about a toad and a badger and a mole.

I drawed on mine. (chuckles)

Is this my house?

No. You live in a different house.

Choo-choo-choo, whoo, whoo!

Then I shall rule The Down Underverse!

(evil laughter)

We'll see about that, mate.

HOMER: Okay, together we weigh 300 pounds.

According to my driver's license,

I weigh 140 pounds.

That means that you weigh, ohh...

160 pounds.

Oh-ho-ho! You're doing great.

No, no!

Yep! That's it! Bite, bite, bite!

-(knock at door) -MARGE: Lisa?

Oh, sweetie, you look so much better.

Ready to go back to school?

Uh, I don't know.

(coughing) I mean, I could risk it, but...

No, no, you just stay put.

Wow. You didn't even feel her forehead.

How do I get that kind of credibility?

With eight years of scrupulous honesty.

Eh. It's not worth it.

Oh, I really need one more day, mom.

I think the germs are regrouping.

Now, for breakfast, I'll have hash browns,

coffee and a short stack.

And would it kill you to heat up the syrup?

(tires screeching)

But I... I might infect the other kids.

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

So long!

Welcome back, Lisa.

I trust you got the homework I assigned.

The Wind In The Willows?

Oh, yeah, Ralph brought it over.

Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.

(gulps) Test?

(Taskmaster's voice): Game over, mate.

Ohh...

Okay, all right.

You can bluff your way through one test.

"Mr. Toad has a red blank."

Okay, skip that one.

"Mr. blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank."

Oh, I am in deep blank.

And the lowest grade in the class...

She's going to say my name.

Lisa Simpson, zero.

(gasps)

-SKINNER: Lisa... -(gasps)

...the president of Harvard would like a word with you.

Nasty business, that zero.

Naturally Harvard's doors are now closed to you,

but I'll pass your file along to...

(snickering) Brown.

Hmm. Heck of a school.

Weren't you at Brown, Otto?

Yep. Almost got tenure, too.

(gasps) No! Not Brown,

Brown, Brown, Brown...

Lisa, you're saying Brown an awful lot.

Are you okay?

Well, actually,

I do feel a little feverish.

Ah. Don't worry about the test.

Just get yourself a nice drink of water.

Then come back and finish the test.

(gulps)

I need a miracle.

-Come on. You owe me. -What's up, sis?

-Bart, shouldn't you be in class? -I am.

It's a little something I whipped up at shop, mostly latex.

What are you doing out here?

We've got a test, and I didn't read the book.

I'll get a zero for sure, Bart.

What do I do?

Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero.

-(growls) -Uh, but that's not for everyone.

There's one other possibility.

Hey, I can't go in there.

Relax. There's nothing here you didn't see

when Dad boycotted pants.

NELSON: Hang on. I'll buzz you in.

Buzz!

Teacher and subject?

Miss Hoover, Wind In The Willows.

Hmm-hmm-hmm. Oh.

Here we go.

(gasps) Oh, my god.

These are the answers to the test.

I don't want to cheat.

Hey, hey, these are study aids.

They're for novelty purposes only.

If a few bad apples use them for cheating,

I can't be held responsible.

Forget it.

I'd rather get a zero.

Good for you, lass.

I got me a zero once

and my life turned out just fine.

Oh! Whoa!

That's a nasty clog.

Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have you?

(grunting)

Keep the change.

WILLIE: Come here, you slippery rascals.

Good news, my delicious friend.

You're going to be a free-range lobster.

Come on, boy. Dig in.

They'll give you a big, strong thorax.

Whoa!

Why, you little... Ah!

Ohh, look at him cower.

Just like the boy.

I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal.

(giggles) I'm gonna get you for that, you little scamp.

Here! Yeah! Take that, Pinchy.

(giggling)

I graded this morning's test over lunch

and most of you did quite well.

-I got a B. -No, Ralph. That's an F.

I must have spilled some kahlua.

Perfect, Lisa.

And you got all the extra-credit questions.

Even the one that got cut off by the copy machine.

Oh,well, I guess I was just on a roll.

(groans)

Don't be so modest, Lisa.

You earned that A+++.

Actually, there are four pluses.

No, that's drambuie.

Mmm.

Ooh, so plump and juicy.

Hmm! He's going to boil up nicely.

(slurps)

Well, I guess this is it, old pal.

This is your big day.

The water's boiling.

Quick. Chuck him in.

-Uh... -Come on. Chuck him in.

-Okay. -Let's go! In the pot, in the pot!

Ohh.

-But, Marge, look at the little guy. -(gasps)

(growling)

He looks like an ordinary...

Ow! Son of a--

Feel that, Marge? He likes you.

And now, for the main course...

Steamed Maine cabbages.

(clears throat) Pardon me for asking,

but where the hell's my stupid lobster?

We're not eating Mr. Pinchy.

He's part of the family now.

(grunts)

Pinchy, I made you some risotto.

Dad!

BART: What, you got to be kidding me.

What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster.

No, but I enjoy the smell.

Well, lobster or no lobster,

this is still a very special dinner.

(humming fanfare)

Lisa broke her own record

by two whole pluses.

Mom, where did you get that?

Oh, it just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging.

By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.

Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy?

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, I am sick of everyone being so proud of me!

That's my girl!

BART: Ah, cheer up, Lise.

You got a good grade without even reading the book.

That's win-win.

Can't you see the difference

between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud?

Hmm, I suppose, maybe if, uh...

No. No, sorry, I thought I had it there for a sec.

(bell ringing)

Psst, Lisa, check it out.

Tomorrow's fraction quiz.

I'll give you the numerators free,

but the denominators are going to cost you.

I don't want your dirty denominators.

-Well, la-dee-da, lady cheaterly. -(gasps)

Can I at least keep you in my rolodex?

No!

I never cheated before and I never will again.

Oh, I almost wish I hadn't gotten away with it.

SKINNER (over speakers): Lisa Simpson,

report to the principal's office

to discuss the results of yesterday's test.

We never met.

SKINNER: I've just received some rather unusual news

regarding your unprecedented A triple plus.

To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened.

Uh, no, not saddened.

What's the word?

Ah, yes. Delighted.

-What? -I'm delighted to report

that your grade

brought the entire school's G.P.A.

up to our state's minimum standard.

We now qualify for a basic assistance grant.

It's the greatest honor the school has ever received.

And it's all thanks to you.

Your devotion to scholarship

is a shining beacon to all who...

Stop it! I cheated!

Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated!

Lisa, what are you trying to say?

I cheated!!

(gasps)

SKINER: You cheated?

Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.

Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?

She doesn't know.

You're the only one I've told.

Well, then...

one could make the argument

that there really is no problem.

But what I did was wrong.

Oh, very much so,

but as long as we handle this

in a mature and above all, quiet manner,

we'll still get that grant money.

(chuckles)

Oh, you really scared me there.

But we can't accept that money.

It's tainted.

Now, now. Leave the money out of this.

It's not the money's fault you cheated.

Besides, I've already started spending it.

Check out the new scoreboard.

-(fanfare plays) -CROWD: Charge!

(laughs)

I'm still learning all the buttons.

Well, if you're going to cover this up,

I'll just have to go over your head to Super...

-(buzzer sounds) -...intendent...

-(buzzer sounds) -...Chalmers!

(explosion)

Skinner!

I am outraged that you've kept this from me.

You were supposed to call

as soon as the new scoreboard was in.

Tell me, does it play that song "Charge"?

Oh, does it ever!

(grunts) You can't keep this scoreboard

because there's not going to be any grant money

because I cheated!

Lisa, let's take a walk.

A little traveling music, Seymour.

(stadium organ music plays)

(grunts) Good lord, what a dump.

-(dog barking) -(cat meowing)

It's not surprising this school

was once classified

the most dilapidated in all of Missouri.

-LISA: Hmm? -That's why it was shut down

and moved here, brick by brick.

Look around, Lisa.

That grant money could do a lot of good.

Don't you think those youngsters

deserve a regulation tetherball?

-Ow! -Ohh!

We can buy real periodic tables

instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer.

Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolgnium?

Oh, delicious?

Correct.

I would also accept "snacktacular."

And for the first time ever,

our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

Hi, Lisa.

Hi, Supernintendo Chalmers.

Meow.

I'm learnding.

Ah, way to go, Ralph.

Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a coleco.

How many can I put you down for? A lot?

Please say a lot.

I need this.

I don't know.

I'm not even sure we can keep this one.

It's up to Lisa.

What do you say, Lisa?

Will you keep our little secret

for the good of your classmates and your school?

And let's not forget old Gil, huh?

(chuckles) The wolf's at old Gil's door.

Uh... I guess I don't have much choice.

Oh, thank god!

Now let's talk rust-proofing.

These colecos will rust up on you like that.

Shut up, Gil.

Close the deal, close the deal.

Relax, boy.

We're not going to cook you.

Enjoy your day at the beach.

Ooh, look. Here's a little playmate for you.

(whimpering)

Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab.

What's wrong with you?

Grr, it's not his fault he's a sissy.

Someone's been coddling him.

Don't look at me.

I wanted to eat him.

Sorry. It's usually the mother.

You know, I run a small academy

for lobsters like this one.

We stress tough love,

daily chores and the like.

No. We're not sending the lobster away

to some snobby boarding school.

Arr, I understand.

It... It's hard to let go.

Eh, tell me this then.

Do you have any spare change?

SKINNER: And now

to present the grant money,

a legendary figure in educational disbursement,

State comptroller, Atkins.

Whoo!

Thank you.

I'm here tonight to honor the girl

whose unprecedented test score

has set a new standard in excellence.

Lisa.

(applause)

Thank you.

I know this giant check

is very important to everyone here.

But what's even more important is the truth.

(all muttering)

Because, after all, education is the search for truth.

No. No, it isn't.

Don't listen to her. She's out of her mind.

And the truth is, we don't deserve this grant

and I don't deserve your applause.

I cheated on that test.

(audience gasping)

Wait. How dare you condemn this girl?

Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated?

On your wives or your husbands?

(all muttering)

What she just did took courage.

And where I come from, Canada,

we reward courage.

So I hereby decree that you keep the grant

and let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves.

(applause)

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

You got the highest grade in the class.

-But, mom... -The highest grade.

Okay, Lisa's gone.

Places, people.

Oh, man, acting is tough.

I'll be in my trailer.

Ah, good old predictable Lisa.

I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.

Heads up.

Here comes the real comptroller.

COMPTROLLER: This grant ensures

a light bulb in every classroom

and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge.

(applause)

Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible?

Where's Lisa Simpson?

(applause)

Come on up here, Lisa.

Now how about that? Smart and modest.

Well, I should be going now.

These giant checks don't hand themselves out.

Okay, people, let's have a round of applause

for the real comptroller.

-COMPTROLLER: Hmm. -(applause)

CHALMERS: Idiot.

I know a liquor store

where we can cash this right now.

(cheering)

LISA: And done.

That's one grade I truly earned.

Ohh, who left these muddy claw prints

on my clean floor?

Sorry, Marge.

Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds.

But don't worry, I put him in a nice, hot bath.

(sniffs) Hey, what smells so good?

Yeah...

Pinchy?

Pinchy?

Oh, Pinchy!

(crying)

(Homer sobbing)

(sobbing loudly)

Oh, man, that's good.

(sobbing loudly)

Pass the butter.

(sobbing loudly)

Are you going to eat that all by yourself?

Uh-huh.

Pinchy would've wanted it this way.

My dear, sweet Pinchy.

No more pain where you are now, boy.

(grunts)

(sucks) Oh, god, that's tasty.

I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

(smacking)

Oh, Pinchy.

(theme music playing)

Shh.

Captioned by Visual Data Media Services