Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

(bell ringing)

D'oh!

-(screams) -(tires screech)

(pounding on door)

Come on, Simpson, open up.

We know you're in there.

(water dripping)

Hmm... That one.

Someone's in here.

(crying)

No!

No!

Oh, for the love of...

Boy, I've never seen

a man so desperate to get out

of five minutes of calisthenics.

One, two, three, four.

Up, down, three, four.

Up, down, three, four.

This new exercise program is great.

Yeah. Every muscle in my body's getting a workout.

Especially my big, fat mouth.

Yeah. Especially your big, fat...

Oh, wait.

Raise your right hock. Aerate.

Raise your left hock. Aerate.

I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts

and less Franklin Roosevelts.

(groaning)

...Two.

Actually, homer, that's just one.

See, each pushup includes

both an up part and a down part.

D'oh!

Hey, where's Charlie?

How did he get out of this?

He's at home on disability.

Yeah, he got injured on the job.

They sent him home with pay.

It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.

Stupidity, eh?

Must hurt self.

Must hurt self. Must hurt self.

D'oh!

Hmm, probably better that didn't hit me.

(electircity hums)

-Yes? -Hello.

May I help you?

Uh... Could you give me a little push

in the opposite direction?

Okay.

Thank you.

"Carpal tunnel syndrome"?

No.

"Lumber lung"? No.

"Juggler's despair"? No.

"Achy-breaky pelvis"? No.

I'm never going to be disabled.

I'm sick of being so healthy.

Hey, wait.

"Hyper-obesity.

"If you weigh more than 300 pounds,

you qualify as disabled."

(fanfare plays)

You can do it, old boy.

Yes, I can.

Yes, yes. That's the spirit.

If you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home?

Uh-huh. That's the deal.

No more exercise program.

No more traffic.

No more blood drives or charity walks.

Dad, I know we don't do a lot together

but helping you gain 61 pounds

is something I want to be a part of.

-Dad! -(screams)

I must protest.

You're abusing a program

intended to help the unfortunate.

I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey,

but try to see it my way.

All my life, I've been an obese man

trapped inside a fat man's body.

Have you told Mom about this?

No, it would only worry her.

If you want to add to her worries, go ahead.

I guess I'm just a little more grateful

for all she's done for us.

-Dad! -Yes, sweetheart?

Obesity is really unhealthy.

Any doctor will tell you that.

Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that,

little miss smart guy.

(gasps)

My God, that's monstrous.

I've never heard of anything so negligent.

I'll have no part of it.

Can you recommend a doctor who will?

Yes.

Hi, everybody.

BOTH: Hi, Dr. Nick.

Now, there are many options available

for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself.

I recommend a slow, steady gorging process

combined with assal horizontology.

Of course.

You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups

such as the whipped group, the congealed group

and the choc-o-tastic.

What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?

Be creative.

Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts.

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

You could brush your teeth with milk shakes.

Hey, did you go

to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?

And remember, if you're not sure about something,

rub it against a piece of paper.

If the paper turns clear,

it's your window to weight gain.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Oh, it's a dream come true, boy.

I can, nay, I must

eat everything I've always wanted.

Now come on.

Every second I'm out of bed, I'm burning precious calories.

Now get grabbing.

Eat around the banana, Dad.

It's just empty vitamins.

Lucky for you, this stuff doesn't work.

I don't know.

Fish sandwich.

Are you sure?

Oh!

225? That means I lost weight.

(clears throat)

Homer, you're on the towel rack.

Woo-hoo!

Four more pounds, and my dream comes true.

Working at home.

Here's your lemonade

and here's your beer.

Oh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter.

When's your next coffee break?

Anytime I want.

(tiger growl)

(tango music playing)

Oh.

Hey, Flanders, bad day at the rat races?

Yeah, a crazy guy shot a bunch of people

and the subway ran over my hat.

Hey, Lise, come look at this.

Neat.

-Hello, honey. -Hi.

Um... There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Did you put on a little weight this week?

I was going to surprise you,

but what the heck.

Honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds

to get on disability.

(gasps)

Have you lost your mind?

Have you thought about your health

or your appearance?

Oh, so, that's it, isn't it, Marge?

Looks.

I didn't know you were so shallow.

Oh, please.

I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds, but...

Beautiful. Good night.

Oh.

I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound

or I've got to face another day at work.

Bad news, Dad. We're out of food.

We're even out of the basic elements of food.

You ate all the tarragon and you drank the soy sauce.

I need a miracle.

Ah, honey, that looks just like a real doughnut.

Dad, it says "Non-toxic."

Well, that's a plus.

Woo hoo-hoo-hoo!

I did it!

Uh, Dad, towel rack.

(chuckling)

Oh, my.

(Mr. Burns clearing throat)

I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal.

It will allow our safety inspector here

to preform his duties from home.

And so, excelsior to you, mister...

What's the name of this gastropod?

Simpson, sir. One of your chair-moisteners from sector 7-G.

Yes.

Simpson.

Thank you for your pity.

Mom, are you ever planning

to step in and put a stop to this?

Normally, your father's crackpot schemes

fizzle out as soon as

he finds something good on TV

but this season, uh...

I'm looking for something loose and billowy

something comfortable for my first day of work.

Work, huh? Let me guess.

Computer programmer?

Computer magazine columnist?

Something with computers.

Well, I use a computer.

What's the connection?

Must be the non-stop sitting and snacking.

Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining

so we offer a range of alternatives

for the ample gentleman-- Ponchos, muu-muus, capes

jumpsuits, uni-sheets, muslin body rolls

academic and judicial robes.

I don't want to look like a weirdo.

I'll just go with a muu-muu.

(alarm ringing)

ANNOUNCER: Arnie Pie-in-the-sky with the morning commute!

Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets.

Due to a fire at the army testing lab

a bunch of escaped infected monkeys

are roaming the expressway!

Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows

'cause those monkeys

seem confused and irritable.

Hee hee hee!

I pity those poor suckers on the freeway.

Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk.

Honk, honk, punch.

Gas, gas, gas.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work

except for all those daylight savings days.

Lousy farmers.

"To start, press any key."

Where's the "Any" Key?

I see "Esc... "

"Ctrl... "

And "Pg-up"

There doesn't seem to be any "Any" Key.

Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.

I think I'll order a Tab.

Whoop! No time for that now.

The computer's starting.

"Check core temperature. Yes / no."

Yes.

"Core temperature normal."

Not too shabby.

"Vent radioactive gas?"

N-o.

"Venting prevents ex-plos-ion."

(chuckling)

Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab?

Okay, then, yes.

Vent the stupid gas.

Ah, no!

The corn!

Paul Newman's going to have my legs broke.

♪ Bart and Lisa have to go to school ♪

♪ While I get to stay home ♪

♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

I like school.

Why don't you live with it, then?

I would if I could.

Not me, sister.

When I grow up, I'm going to be a lardo

on workman's comp, just like Dad.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

(guttural laughter)

Whoo, whoo, whoo...

Yeow!

Mom?

This whole thing is really creepy.

Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?

I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how.

Your father can be surprisingly sensitive.

Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat?

He sulked for a week

and then closed his detective agency.

Maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings.

The longer he lives like this, the harder

it'll be to go back.

Hmm, you're right.

Hmm! Maybe if I use my least-nagging tone of voice.

(softly) Homer?

Hmm.

(sharply) Homer?!

(sternly) Homer?

That's it. That's the one.

Send him on in.

Dad?

Yes, honey?

Hmm. Mom just baked a cake.

Ooh!

Homer, we need to have a serious talk.

You dragged me all the way from work for that?

Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons

of your controversial plan, shall we?

I--

Con: You're endangering your health.

Pro: I'm drought and famine-resistant.

Con: You're setting a bad example for the children.

Pro: I don't have to go to work.

Con: You're running the air conditioner non-stop.

It's freezing in here.

Pro: Uh...

Uh... I love you?

Con: I'm finding myself

less attracted to you physically.

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here

and nobody's going to take it away from me.

You never had faith in me before

but let me tell you, the slim, lazy homer you knew is dead.

Now I'm a big, fat dynamo

and where's that cake?!

There's no cake.

Oh.

"Vent radioactive gas?"

Y-e-s.

"Sound alertness horn?"

Y-e-s.

(horn blowing)

"Decalcify calcium ducts?"

Well, give me a word.

Give me a... Hey.

All I have to type is "Y."

Hey, miss doesn't-find-me- attractive-sexually-anymore

I just tripled my productivity.

Good. Good for you.

"Y." "Y".

Let's see, so many letters to choose from.

I'll pick "Y."

"Y." "Y."

What? What the heck are you doing over there?

(groaning)

There. You found the floor.

"Y, y, y, y."

"Y, y... "

I'm going out.

I run errands during the day.

Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer?

(door slamming)

(mail slot clatters)

The mail. The mail is here!

Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward James Olmos."

"Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss

another issue of the Utne Reader?"

Kids.

Free sample of fabric softener?

Woo-hoo!

(dryer buzzes)

Mmm.

I can feel three kinds of softness.

Dad, what are you doing down there?

Washing my fat-guy hat, honey.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to search for the sun.

According to daddy's will,

I inherit the entire plantation.

I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.

(computer beeps)

Uh, what's your Dad's job again?

He's a nuclear safety technician.

What's he doing with that broom?

Uh, what isn't he doing?

I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.

(guffawing)

Hey, leave my dad alone.

Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad.

He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings.

Hey, what are you kids looking at?

Hey, look.

He's trying to get up to yell at us.

Don't make me close that shade.

(groaning)

Hey, Homer, you promised Mom

you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

Nuts to that. I'm going to the movies.

Shouldn't you be working?

I got someone to cover for me.

(beeps)

One for honk, please.

Oh, gee, uh, just a minute.

I have to check with the manager.

That overweight guy wants to see the movie.

I'm terribly sorry, sir

but I'm afraid our facilities

are not equipped to meet your needs.

What are you talking about?

What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage

couldn't possibly fit in our seats.

I could sit in the aisle.

I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.

MAN: Hey, fatty, I got a movie for you--

A Fridge Too Far.

(laughing)

Shame on all of you.

Give me my dignity.

I just came here to see "Honk if You're Horny" in peace.

Sir, if you just quiet down,

I'd be happy to treat you

to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food.

I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.

The overweight individuals in this country

are just as smart and talented

and hardworking as everybody else

and they're going to make their voices heard.

All they need is a leader.

Huh!

I'll work harder than ever before and show the world

overweight people aren't

undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible.

What happened to my bird?

Oh. Marge?

Lisa?

Flanders?

"Explosion imminent"!

Oh, my God!

The plant's going to explode!

(metal rattling and groaning)

Hey, that thing's going kah-kah koo-koo.

Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Wait. I know.

"Vent gas."

"Pressure too high"?

Oh!

"Tank must be shut down manually"?!

Oh, stupid bird!

I never should have put you in charge.

Why, you--

Oh, who am I kidding?

It's all my fault.

I got to call the plant and warn them.

OPERATOR: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat.

To obtain a special dialing wand

please mash the keypad with your palm now.

(shrill shriek)

(labored breathing)

I'm going to have to shut it down myself.

Fat don't fail me now!

D'oh!

Oh!

Hey, buddy, you gonna slow your car down and let me in

because I'm a big, fat guy and I can't go anywhere

because there's going to be some poison gas.

I mean it's gonna be really poisonous!

Everybody's going to be dead, especially me!

The ice cream man!

Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car!

T-take anything you want, man, take it all!

(babbling)

Push out the jive.

Bring in the love.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant

and ate everything in the restaurant

and they had to close the restaurant.

Hey! My dad may have gained a little weight

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac!

Oh, that's raspberry.

(groans) Oh!

-Ice cream! -Ice cream!

Workers, please. There will be time

for the frozen pudding wagon later.

You still owe me ten more Iroquois twists.

♪ Ten, hi-yi-ya ♪

♪ And nine, hi-yi-ya ♪

Get away, damn it!

Run for your lives!

I'll take a rocket pop!

What can I get for 30 cents?

Let go!

I got to get to the tank!

Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

♪ Six, hi-yi-ya ♪

♪ Four, hi-yi-ya ♪

Whoa-oh!

♪ Three, hi-yi-ya ♪

(whimpering)

♪ Two, hi-yi-ya ♪

(screams)

Stupid switch!

I wish I had my reaching broom.

♪ One, hi-yi-ya ♪

Wait a minute.

There's probably a...

(screams)

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking

have turned a potential Chernobyl

into a mere Three-Mile Island.

Bravo!

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day

while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt

prevented the release of toxic gas.

Bart!

We'll have you out of there

as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated.

(laughs) Thank you, Mr. Burns.

It was pretty scary up there...

(laughs)

For a while, I feared for my life!

(laughing hysterically)

Oh! Stop!

Now, Homer, if there's anything else

I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?

I guarantee it.

One.

One.

One!

Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.

Woo-hoo!

♪♪

♪♪

Shh!

CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.