Original subtitles

just breathing it guys whenever you're

ready

i don't even know where to begin

times of tough yes

we may be undead

but it's still a pandemic we're bored

like immortally bored

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and then there's the hole

everything

no one will even invite you inside

anymore well hello

you can't come in without masks

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curfews have made food scarce like

we can barely eat let alone afford rent

okay she's underselling it we're

desperate like

lisa vanderpump's dog has died desperate

very

so now we have to

find a third roommate

is this thing on it is i can do like a

is it don't tap it okay sorry

test

hi i'm charlie i'm a psychic vamp i'm an

energy vamp like a high energy vamp if

you will so i feed on like vibes like

the spiritual would say chakras just

energy in general

um welcome to ghost housing it is a

convenient way for the no longer living

to find a place to live so being a day

walker i can be out and about and i can

scout locations for some of our more

nocturnal clientele you know

places like this

windowless damp cold

terrible for humans but perfect for

vampires

new york is full of these

recently

i have been dealing with this

tough nut to crack i've got these two

little sweethearts who are just so

insistent on finding a millennial to

live with and i'm just like wow there is

not a ton of thousand-year-old vampires

out here looking for temporary housing

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myself

i am looking for a fresh dart

i was recently exercised from my castle

in my homeland of romania i went out for

a stroll to clear my head for a decade

or two and when i returned the entire

thing was under quarantine

so now i have crossed the terrors of the

sea

and found my way here

to america to the blood apple

and now i am in search of a residence

from where i may brood and contemplate

my immortal suffering

and you know maybe make a friend or two

hello

yes is this charlie curator of housing

for ghosts you must be lucian indeed

yeah buzzy right in come on up hey

curtis welcome

no you have to do it like right away

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i'll actually let him in in a second i

actually just sent you guys a gofundme

link for um it's awareness around

climate emissions from cell phone towers

i know it doesn't seem like climate

change would be a big deal to my people

but we are here for an eternity and by

the way when i say my people i'm not

trying to be exclusive or offended oh

hey

hi buddy good morning

wow

oh by the way are we all composting

here it's fine

i guess charlie found us a new roommate

so this is actually happening i mean i

for one am excited to get some new

energy in this place

yes

is this the residence of

rebecca

and brian

yes

obviously there was some sort of mistake

i am

former count of transylvania

luchen vladimir

worries to friends and close

acquaintances

may i enter

well of course you may boris get on in

here please make yourself at home

oh my god

he's so adorable

he's like a real classic vampire

it's a retro

i think this is gonna work out

i'll give you the tour

ah this is perfect what dark and

beautiful sleeping quarters oh actually

glad you like it

so meals have gotten a

little complicated

i tried for a while to go vampire vegan

hashtag vampigan

so i was only eating animals

now

after a while i realized that i actually

love animals just as beings in the world

sewing back on humans but with everyone

staying inside

we've had to get creative

no

no

yes

definitely us this was my genius

dating apps

obviously everyone's at their thirstiest

right now so it's like spotting virgins

it's never been easier

oh

yes but not for eating

okay fine i'll eat them after

that defeats the purpose of finding a

virgin

oh darn you're right

i find your methods overly laborious i

will return shortly with sustenance

no you can't everyone's infected i've

eaten people with all manner of disease

plague malaria civilized hepatitis

cooties

plague

i do not fear this covet 19.

one

one human ready for the vow oh my god i

can smell how infected he is get him out

of here dr fauci is a hologram forest

he's too brainwashed to be hypnotized

are you kidding me where do you find

these people time square ew

more for me

oh

the earth is flat the scientists were

all wrong they're in the pocket so i

think my first exposure was buffy

yeah he was actually buffy um

i mean listen i wasn't like trying to

become a vampire god no um

because listen yes i'm immortal okay

fine i'm like undeniably more mysterious

thank you um but no it's

it's actually been kind of tough

you see i was really trying to become an

instant influencer but

those streams are gone

completely vanished

and literally banished i can't be seen

in photos

but lately i've been trying to get into

the undead online community

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it has been hard because it's niche you

know there's not a ton of them i think

what i'm finding out is that beings that

have been around for centuries aren't

like dying to learn new things

i do think though that if i get to

understand lucian closely

then i can crack into this key

demographic and it'll explode date of

birth

november 15th 988.

oh this only goes to 1900. um

we'll say 1988. okay

i'm afraid i asked you um do you have an

email i've actually been on social media

for quite some time as the

neck

romancer

i have a small following in bucharest

lately i've just been getting lucian to

count things out loud you know

like the count does

surprisingly tick tock loves it it's

hide and seek you have to count out loud

one

two

three hey lucian how many humans do you

see um

i see one

two

oh there's three

why are we eating them

the only thing he seems to have taken to

is binge watching yeah i started him on

game of thrones you know it's sexy it's

gory plus i can't wait to see his hopes

and dreams shatter by that trash ending

jamie lannister no

when the queen of dragons went mad and

burned the city

i found it quite tragic and

sophisticated um is this you

what you already have social oh my god

you have more followers than me well i

shared your videos they were quite well

received

those should have been my likes

you know if we combine forces i think we

could maximize our influence over the

masses of mortals

oh my god

i also found that they knew exactly the

right amount of blood to include in a

wedding

i think it started when i was very young

and my mom would play rod stewart's

forever young

but actually

i've always wanted to be mortal young

people always act like they're going to

live forever but i

am actually gonna live forever

so for the first couple of years

i was teaching myself all kinds of

skills

then after a while i thought

why

i have all of eternity to learn

everything

and then after that

i don't know things just

things just stopped having a purpose

i know but the idea of me outliving lady

gaga really sucks like i want to go out

into the sun and burn sucks so like i

want to have a bad romance with her

i want to turn her so that we can be on

and off again forever

well generally it's good not to turn

more people into one day

i help the non-living deal with their

life after death you can read about it

in my book living with eternity by

walter ravenfeld

that's me

my running theory is that vampires are

often stuck at the age and time they

become vampires much like pop stars or

celebrities who become famous at a young

age

these young vampires are just not

equipped to handle what's out there

so without a werewolf to be my rival in

love

what was the point in me hypnotizing a

mortal man about three things i was

absolute shut up chad so i've been

setting up this real life gender

gender-swapped twilight for myself it's

like self-care so it's basically

life and death but better excuse me

forrest i'm on a call yes but i couldn't

help but overhear that you're in need of

a werewolf

oh

oh

you don't get to be a millennial old

without meeting a werewolf or two

unfortunately

they are savage and civilized beast but

every once in a while you meet one that

is alright

i am happy i can provide this for

rebecca

so like

karen ate chad

like yes maybe i shouldn't have referred

to him as a tasty snack and yes it's

kind of hot watching on a woman like

totally murder a man in cold blood like

i'm really living for that

but no she is not my lady jacob voris

was completely wrong she cannot hang and

honestly i'm really disappointed in him

like

being a

werewolf

it's kind of just like being a woman but

more intense

i wanted to uh talk to you two about a

round slave

our slave the one who cleans does

laundry other unsavory tasks you mean

alex are familiar yes familiar slave

what is the difference well we're paying

him we are yeah we are

in

eventual immortality and everlasting

life

this seems like semantics okay he has a

point

no no no no oh my god no are we slave

voters no

no oh my god

i've got a pair of socks i would like

him to throw in with the next load

anyone need anything

i always saw it as kind of an unpaid

internship

you you hope it will go to something

real but i also acknowledge that

it may just be sucking life out of you

i'd rather

hold out hope for immortality than for

google stock options

we're really so sorry about this that

was not the attention oh i mean it's

totally fine i like working yeah

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it's for the best

we did the right thing yeah yeah

should we watch the circle oh my god

yeah

so vorace wasn't exactly what we were

looking for at all like

at all

but but he's not the worst roommate i

mean he um

grounds us

and we oh my god we all like the same tv

shows

i'm never gonna financially recover from

this

we should totally get a tiger

no

but no

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cause i don't understand

we were bound

it's just not good enough

this is supposed to give me the shadows

house okay

no one's even gonna watch this

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you guys are making a vampire jock

when is somebody gonna make a werewolf

doc i'm just saying like we have stories