Original subtitles

Yeah, because there's, there's...

- Ooh. - Jamie, baby.

- Blake, baby. - You're 30.

- I'm a woman now. - You look so old.

- It's sad. - Just yesterday,

- you were in your prime. - Right?

And today, you're even hotter, like.

What are people supposed to do with all of this?

People can't handle that.

- I think they'll die. - Rapid fire.

What are you most excited for?

It's your 30th year.

- 31st. - Shut up.

- Go. - Oh, we're going to Rome.

And Coachella.

I got an expensive gym membership.

You're gonna get ripped.

- I want an eight pack. - Get one on the front

and the back.

We're going to Disneyland with Nana.

- That's gonna be really- - Blake!

- Hi. - How was your, uh,

- Tinder date with Scott? - Oh, you know about Scott.

Oh, she was asking where you were earlier.

How do you know his name?

- I just met him today. - I love details.

- Ooh, mm, mm. - Ooh!

- Um, it was okay, thanks. - Of course it was.

You smell so good.

- So how was it really? - It was six hours long

and we made out in a bounce house, I might be in love.

She was like really close to my face, right?

- Yeah, no she was. - Happy Birthday,

- Jamie. - Ooh, thank you, Sarah!

Whoa, I thought you were gonna kiss me just then,

and I was like, wait, what is happening?

- Okay, I'll, like, right, let's kiss. - Okay.

- Oh. - I'm kidding.

- No, you're okay. - Unless you want to.

- Oh, yeah, maybe later. - Later, okay.

- Aw! - No, not really, though, oh.

30th year, keep going.

Um, my fourth graders finally love me.

Class pets for the win.

We're gonna have some really fun parties.

And your March Madness bracket is a thing of beauty.

- Tom Hanks is healthy. - That's always a plus.

I'm buying stock, I'm thinking airlines and hotels.

Woo, grown up, I like it.

I've just got a good feeling about everything.

Oh no, I don't want everyone to sing.

Come on, I know you.

Everybody, yell happy birthday on three.

- One, two, three! - Happy birthday!

We now have over 51,000

cases of COVID-19 in

the United States, as cited

by Johns Hopkins University.

There are more than 500 people who have died.

While there have been

more than 470,000 cases confirmed worldwide,

those numbers will probably be much higher

by the time you actually hear this

as cases are skyrocketing

- so quickly now. - The Center for Disease

Control says it's too soon to tell exactly

when the pandemic will end.

In fact, back in February, I heard

this could be a recurring illness that

- mutates every year. - Given the degree and the

efficiency of transmissibility

of this virus, that

- we might have a cycle. - Now the pandemic

has definitely begun to snowball in the United States,

there's a sense that

the worldwide epidemic will be

- centered on the United States. - It is shattering, just

the rates that this has overwhelmingly changed

- our lives. - Now a vaccine is unlikely

for probably 12 to 18 months.

And it's just beginning.

The World Health Organization

said the pandemic won't peak for at least a few

more months. The death toll could even re-

Hey, sorry.

- Still no flour? - Nope,

everything was gone but the produce.

There was a guy in line with a cart

literally full of cucumbers.

He just looked at me and was like,

"I guess I'll make some pickles."

- That's haunting. - It was.

- You hear from Scott? - No,

I seriously met him at the worst moment in human history.

Mm, best Tinder date of your life, novel Coronavirus.

Hey, your makeup came.

Ooh! Have you reached out to him at all?

I sent him a text last week,

kinda tryna sum up all this weirdness,

but he didn't even respond.

Man, they forgot my Boy Brow.

I'm really proud of you for continuing to try.

You know, it's bare minimum.

It makes me feel like a real boy.

- I respect that. - You are a real boy.

- You're a real boy, Harry. - So what'd you say to him?

Mm, I sent him that GIF,

you know, the one of the muppet that's like,

and the camera zooms in on his face.

That's it? Did you send a text with it?

Well, I feel like the GIF says it all, you know?

Hey, funny GIF, and I care about you,

but not a weird amount 'cause we only hung out one time.

Also, isn't this crazy?

Maybe we should stay in contact

in case someday we can touch mouths again, but no pressure.

Have a great summer, stay cool.

Do you like me?

You don't have to say. Asterisk.

Down at the bottom of the page, footnote,

because I kinda like you.

Whoops. Uh oh.

- Blake. - It's better without words.

Okay, he's probably just stressed about COVID.

Plus, I feel guilty for even thinking about guys right now,

- people are dying. - Yeah, I know.

I feel guilty for being mad about my Boy Brow.

One more?

- Ah. - At least we have company.

I think I'm over feeding them.

Yeah, that fat sweaty one is not looking good.

Man, a month ago, these mice made me a god

among my fourth graders.

Now, I'm just a grown-ass single woman with pet mice.

Hey, you can pull off pet mice.

You could pull off an ant farm, that's how fabulous you are.

You're my whole world now, little mice.

- Whoa, Jamie. - What?

It's from Nana's nursing home.

"This letter is to alert you that on March 23rd, 2020,

we learned that one or more of our residents

- developed COVID-19." - One or more?

And this was like a week ago.

We gotta check our mail more often.

You have reached

- the voicemail of - Nana's still not picking up.

- 503. - Try again.

I'll try the nursing home.

Help us.

Um, uh, hello,

is, is this Willowbrook Senior Care?

Is this the police?

- Are you coming? - Listen,

our grandmother is a resident

- at your facility and- - Maybe not anymore,

she's probably a resident in heaven above.

I'm sorry, who are we talking to?

- My name's Dora. - Could you just,

could you just tell us,

does our Nana have COVID?

It is bad, honey, I have never seen such carnage.

Can we speak to whoever's in charge?

COVID-19's in charge now.

Dora, Dora, go lay down.

I'm so sorry, this is Nurse Ackerman.

We just wanna know if our grandma's safe,

uh, we got this letter saying that you have COVID-19

- in your facility. - Mm hm,

we've had a serious outbreak.

What's your grandmother's name?

- Paulina Jerikovic. - Okay, let me check.

Okay, from what we know, she's not exhibited any symptoms,

but, seriously, we don't have enough gowns,

we don't have enough face shields.

We've been trying to get hold of the governor,

so if you can take care of your grandmother at home,

that'd be much safer than her being here.

Uh, we live in Albuquerque, but our sister Erin

checked her in and she's local in Washington.

Whatever you need to do, the sooner the better.

Dora, where'd you get that phone? Stop calling people.

Oh my gosh, um.

Are you calling them back?

No, I'm calling Erin.

I haven't talked to her since COVID started.

Oh my gosh, Jamie, it's been so long.

- How are you, sister? - Uh, weird.

Blake's with me,

we're, we're both weird.

Oh my gosh, why?

- Well, the pandemic. - People dying.

- Oh, yeah. - You know?

It's so sad, my girlfriend just had a baby

and they made her wear a mask.

Can you believe they made her do that?

I mean, Jefferson's birth was hard enough,

do you remember how hard Jefferson's birth was?

Erin, Nana's nursing home had a COVID outbreak

and we wanted to know if you were gonna get her?

I'm not gonna abandon the woman who raised us.

I was gonna bring her back to our house.

Okay, we just wanted to know.

Um, when are you going?

'Cause she needs to get out like right now.

Well, I can't get there till Thursday

because we're on a cruise,

which has been such a nice break from everything.

You know, everything was just starting

to feel so heavy.

- Hey there, bumble bee. - Hi.

Oh, hey, Jamie.

Hey, you've really thinned up.

- Thanks, Doug. - I'm sorry,

- you're on a cruise? - Yes.

- The tickets were so cheap. - Because it's a death trap.

No, everyone's being super careful

and they're soap in almost all of the bathrooms.

So are you guys dating anyone?

- Okay, we gotta go, Erin. - Erin, the finger food buffet

- just opened. - Ooh, I gotta go too.

Bye.

Still no answer from Nana.

Google Maps says we can get there in 20 hours,

if we leave right now,

we'll get there by tomorrow afternoon.

Perfect, that gives us a full day

before Erin gets back and murders her with negligence.

- What? - I don't want her to die.

She won't, we just gotta focus.

Ooh, you smell like ham.

We should make some ground rules to be safe.

- Our safety is her safety. - Exactly.

We leave the car as little as possible.

We only stop for gas or to sleep.

No interacting with strangers.

- Don't touch your face! - Ugh!

And the most important rule of all...

you can't fall in love with me.

- Too late. - Aw.

Okay, I think we've got enough food

that we won't have to go to any stores.

I'm packing biodegradable wipes so we can just go

- on the side of the road. - Whoa.

- Whoa, what are you doing? - I'm taking the mice.

I don't want 'em to starve while we're gone.

You can't bring those mice. Nana hates mice.

Oh, I forgot that she

Poked that dead dog

and it ripped open and dozens of bloody mice ran out.

Ugh, okay.

I could probably leave 'em with one of my students,

Jacob Harper's like obsessed with them.

Is that the kid

- who keeps texting you? - Constantly.

Mostly it's about the mice,

but sometimes it's like, "How are you?"

Or "You're a strong woman."

- He's nine? - Yep.

- How'd he get your number? - From a bathroom stall.

But, really, how'd he get number?

- I have no idea. - Okay.

Hello?

Hey, Mrs. Harper, hope you're, um, healthy.

- Who's this? - It's Jamie,

Miss Jerikovic, uh, Jacob's teacher.

- Hi, Jamie. - Oh, it's Miss Jerikovic.

Jacob, put your shirt back on.

So I'm going on this emergency trip,

uh, it's only for three days,

but I need someone to watch over Bert and Ernie for me,

they're the pet mice from class.

- Ugh, really? - We'll do it, Miss Jerikovic,

we'll take them!

Jacob,

don't put my phone in your mouth like that,

I have to put this phone back on my face,

how do you think that makes mommy feel?

No, I don't know, Miss Jerikovic,

I, I'm sorry, it's just, I'm,

one more thing on my plate right now, it's not ideal.

I know, and I can totally find someone else,

it's just I know that Jacob really likes these mice.

I love the mice! I love the mice!

- I love the mice! - Ugh, I know you love mice.

The wooden spoons don't go in our pants, Jacob.

They go in the cow-print jar by the stove,

and sauces and stews.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come back here, stop that.

Look at me, how many spoons do you have down there?

How long are you gone for?

Miss Jerikovic, you said you're only gone for three days?

- Oh, yes, yeah. - And we'll basically

have to do nothing, right?

They just sit it in the cage?

Yep, you just feed 'em once a day,

and then, you know, make sure they're still breathing.

- Okay, fine, we'll take them. - Yeah!

Jacob, stay inside!

Hey, thanks, Mrs. Harper.

No, problem.

Oh, you know, you, you really shouldn't-

Yep, you know, they're, you're fine, okay.

Uh-huh.

Just maybe not in the holes

- as much. - Oh, mm hm.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

I really haven't been outside for like weeks.

- Yeah, it's creepy. - Let's just fill up

and get outta here.

All right, if I'm not back in 10 seconds,

- leave. - Godspeed.

I'm just trying not to think about how many people

- have touched that pump. - Uh, I don't wanna make

things worse, but also, don't think about that guy

over there.

Oh! Is he staring at us?

I mean, I think he's smiling.

He's wearing a mask,

he can't be creepy, right?

Yeah, 'cause creepy guys never wear masks.

Okay.

Ugh.

- Yes? - I need a glove.

Uh, no gloves, I used the last one's getting groceries,

but I brought some sandwich baggies.

They're snack size.

Oh, I hate this,

- I hate this. - You're doing so well,

- okay, don't touch anything! - Hm.

I have an itch.

I'll blow on it.

No, it's on my butt.

It's in the hole.

I guess I should get back out there.

- I believe in you. - Trash bag.

- Don't touch, don't touch that. - Okay.

Ugh! Nngh!

Don't kick the car!

- I touched the pump! - It's okay.

- It's okay. - Ah, I'm sweating.

You don't know what was on that pump,

it coulda been disinfectant.

It didn't need to be phlegm, or pee, or liquid poo.

I didn't even think about liquid poo!

You can't get Coronavirus from liquid poo.

- You don't know that! - I think it's hot enough,

it would've killed all the germs.

- It's not boiling. - It feels like it.

- It's not. - You can't get it

- from in-body stuff. - We do not know that yet,

- they have not done enough - I read an article,

- studies yet. - I think Fauci

- got some in poo hypothesis. - They're trying to come up

with a vaccine, they're not studying people's poo yet.

I'm sure proctologists are in the room where it happens.

Ah, I don't even wanna discuss this anymore.

Here, look, I'll play something.

I got something nice.

Here we go.

- What is this? - It's whale sounds.

I thought it would be soothing.

It's kinda nice, you just-

[loud whale moaning

Be honest,

- these are just fart sounds. - No, these are whale noises.

- Those are farts. - It's from a nature,

- nature website. - Farts are natural.

That's a fart.

That's a fart!

Uh, uh, okay, let's go.

Gettin' your core workout in?

? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ?

? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ?

? La, la, la, la, la ?

? La, la, la, la ?

- It's Nana. - Oh, finally.

- Nana! - Is that my Babycake

- and my Jaybird? - Nana, oh my gosh,

- are you okay? - Oh, I'm just fine

I'm not allowed to leave my room.

- Good. Definitely don't. - Do not leave your room.

But I'm getting pretty bored.

Maybe, maybe take up cross-stitching.

No, that's for old people.

- I love cross-stitching. - Well, we talked

with one of your nurses

and they said that it would be safer for you to be

- somewhere else right now. - Erin was planning

- to get you on Thursday. - No!

I mean, I love Erin.

- It's okay if you don't. - No, no.

I mean, I, I love Erin so much,

I don't have to convince myself.

- We know that. - One time she took me

out for the day, and she left me in a hot car

- for two hours. - Oh my gosh!

I still love her.

And I mean, I'm not saying

that I'll die if I go home with Erin,

but even if I do die... it's not murder.

- No, you don't- - Although, Erin

doesn't have to come pick me up,

my car is just sitting in her garage,

- I can drive myself. - But your feet

can't push the pedals because of your arthritis.

Oh, I got pretty good at using a mop handle.

- It's not that hard. - Nana, listen,

we're driving right now to come and get you.

We're gonna bring you back to Albuquerque.

Ah, thank you, I am so glad you are on your way.

Well, I wasn't gonna tell you this before,

but I think there's only one nurse here.

- In the whole place? - And sometimes,

I can hear her crying in the supply closet,

begging Jesus to take the old people instead of her.

So, yeah, it will be nice to come home with you.

- Yup, good plan. - Okay, we'll see you soon,

all right, we'll be there tomorrow.

I love you, girls, and, and I love Erin too.

Don't tell her I told you about the hot car.

- We won't. - Okay.

- All right, love you. - Okay, love you.

- We'll see you soon. - Hurry.

- What is happening? - She's fine,

she's in her room.

'Cause recycled air's not a thing.

What are we doing?

Hey, we're already doing

the only thing we can do.

You're right.

These really do make me feel better.

I know.

? Wish I was by your side ?

? Guess I got to let go ?

? Gonna do for me what's ?

? Nobody would bathe ?

? We gotta save the whales now ?

? Have you ever met Miss Lindy ?

? She's the gal with bright red hair ?

? Opera ?

? Operation, radio ?

? Please don't turn away ?

? I'm running out of small talk ?

? Oh, ee, sa ?

? Ooh ?

? I love that little girl with the bright red hair ?

Spud's strong hand

grabbed Jenny's wispy arm.

"Why don't you meet me down at the docks

later tonight, baby?"

Jenny was scared, this was the baddest guy

in the whole school after all,

but she fired back anyway.

"Uh, guess what, no, thanks, Spud!"

Spud's eyes narrowed as he retorted,

"I said, I'll meet you at the docks."

Jenny gulped big time.

Then all of a sudden, Jamal Anders strode in,

holding his trusty pet lizard.

"Hey, why don't you leave her alone, Spud!"

"Hey, Jamal," Jenny said.

And Jamal's lizard kind of nodded its head,

as if to say, "Sup."

Jenny was so grateful for that.

- Man, this book is terrible. - Chapter Four.

- It's really bad. - Spud let go of

Jenny's arm and turned to Jamal.

"If you're so tough, maybe you should fight me

at the docks later tonight, Jamal!

If you can handle it!"

What is it with Spud

- and these docks? - Chapter Five.

"Also you're both invited to my birthday party.

It's at the docks on Thursday

- at six." - I'm just wondering

if Jenny and this lizard are gonna bang.

- It's inevitable. - There's definite heat.

There's chemistry.

What you doin' on your phone?

Oh, you know, just important feminist work.

Ooh, are those biceps real?

Mm hm, 100% grass-fed!

Zoom in, zoom in.

- Yeah, like this? - More.

- Oh, yeah. - More.

There it is, look at those veins.

Mm, pixelate it,

pixelate it!

- Even more? - Bigger!

- You're filthy! - I need it!

- Look how pixelated that is! - Ah, so good!

Yeah, I don't even know where he gets these biceps

'cause he said that he doesn't like going to gyms.

Maybe he just like lifts pumpkins in his backyard.

He does have a garden.

- Stop. That's adorable. - I know, it's cute.

- Right? - Or weird.

Garden men could go either way.

- Right. Right. - They could be like

this brawny sexpot,

- Mm. - who's just one

- with the earth. - Yes.

- Or you get a garden gnome. - A garden gnome.

Who just fertilizes his rutabagas with his own poop.

- Oh. - Scott's no gnome.

- He's no gnome. - No, he's cool.

- Ooh, is he a reader? - Yep, he likes books.

- Okay. - He's a bookman.

- So he's literate. - Mm hm.

- That's a good sign. - He read a menu

while I was with him and I was like, "You too?"

- He passes the test. - That's my one rule.

I don't wanna say he's perfect.

You can say it.

- I- - Say it.

- I can. - Say it.

I don't want to, I said,

- I don't wanna say it. - Say it.

- He's, he's, - What is he?

he's p-,

he's perfect!

Maybe you should talk to him

instead of just like sending one random GIF,

and then just, I don't know, giving up.

I reached out, I don't wanna be all up in his business.

- You should- - He's got things.

I'm not saying call him,

but you can at least explain yourself to him.

I can't explain a GIF I sent a week ago,

like, "Oh, I know you didn't respond,

but remember that text I sent last week?

It was supposed to be funny?

- Oh my gosh. - What?

- I just sent it again. - What?

The muppet GIF, I sent it again to Scott on accident.

Are you serious?

Oh my gosh.

Oh, it's Jacob, ooh, I normally wouldn't answer,

but it might be about the mice.

- Gosh. - Now I have to find

another GIF to try and explain this GIF.

I don't think another GIF, just hold on.

- I can't send him a text. - Don't.

- It has to be a GIF. - Don't.

It's a proportionate

- response. - Don't.

- Take your call. - Do not.

- Hello, Jacob? - Um, Jamie.

Oh, it's Miss Jerikovic.

Is everything all right?

- Jacob? - Not really.

Okay, just talk to me, is it Bert and Ernie,

- are they all right? - Ernie had babies?

Oh, oh my, um,

oh, Jacob, I'm so sorry.

I really thought I checked all the right areas.

Does a mouse's look-

what does a mouse's look like?

- Are you asking him? - My mom's really mad.

- It happened on her hands. - Like, the birth?

She was taking them away from me

because I was playing with them too much,

and they all just came out.

- Oh, oh, Jacob, um, - It got on her blazer

- and in her hair. - tell your mom

- I'm really sorry. - I'ma send him

the Ryan Reynolds

- face palm GIF. - Jacob,

- who are you talking to? - It's a good one.

- It's Jamie. - No, it's Miss Jerikovic.

- Who? - My teacher.

- Give me that! - No, no, no, that's okay,

- I don't need to talk to- - Why does my son

- have your number? - I'm so sorry,

- he called me. - You should not be talking

to a nine-year-old on his personal phone.

When he texts me, I never answer.

- You guys are texting? - I don't answer.

I don't, you know, I didn't even realize it was his phone,

I thought maybe it was a family phone.

So now you're shaming me

for giving my son a phone?

- Well, he's pretty young. - He's only nine.

Stop talking to my son,

we are already doing you a massive favor.

You know what? You can just put the mice back in the cage,

you don't even have to look at them.

Just leave 'em there, and I will fix everything

- when I come back. - Have you ever smelled

- mouse afterbirth? - I have not.

Well, you will.

What? I think she's gonna get that other mouse pregnant.

- Something's happened. - What have you done?

- I sent the GIF again. - Blake!

I think it's like permanently copied to my clipboard

- or something. - It's still in the text box,

- you don't have to press send. - I just, I was distracted,

it's not every day that your sister gets accused

- of being a pedophile. - She didn't say pedophile,

I don't think it's the same

- over text. - I sent it again!

Why are you still talking to him?

I thought I copied the right GIF this time!

Maybe you should just send him actual words.

I can't do that,

- I'll look like a fool. - You already look

like a fool, oh.

- What? - I started my period.

Was it all the yelling? The diaphragm

- sometimes gooshes the blood. - Yeah, I exerted myself.

Okay.

I figured out what to do

- about your period. - Yeah?

- It's all natural. - Oh, I love that.

And I suggest that you insert this side.

- Oh. - This is for holding,

this is, it's a four-pronged approach.

- Look how friendly it looks. - Look at that,

- just mm. - Mm.

- Yes. - And I found a cork

in the gutter over there, you can use that too,

- there's lots of options. - That's great,

I'll do that right after I'm done bleeding

- through these sticks. - For real though,

- what did you do? - Uh, I just grabbed

- some wipes. - Made a pad?

No, I just stuck it in.

You stuck it in?

Yeah, that's what I do when I don't have a tampon.

I usually get some toilet paper and-

- You can't do that, you can't just shove

- stuff up there. - Yeah, you can.

No, it's like specific, protected cotton

in the applicators, you, you,

I bet you have like flecks of dissolved TP up there

- from like 2007. - No, I was doing it

way before '07.

Whoa, I bet you're gonna give birth

to just like a matted TP baby someday.

It's been like 15 years,

I think it woulda happened already.

What's the gestation

- for a TP baby? - I don't know,

- 30, 40 years of TP flecks. - Ugh,

I gotta figure out how to fix this thing with Mrs. Harper.

What do you mean? You can't unbirth mice.

No, I know, I, but I can do something,

maybe not now, but later.

Like you're gonna put the mice back in when you get back?

- Are you thinking about it? - No.

No, you're right, you can't unbirth mice.

Mm mm, no, sir.

What's done is done, lady.

But there's always something you can do.

- What? - Nana's gonna die

- if we don't leave soon. - Man, don't joke.

? I'm gonna take you on a ride ?

? We're gonna move through the night ?

? Why you so salty ?

? I'll still take a bite ?

- Deal breaker. - Okay?

- He's perfect in every way. - Mm hm.

He like, he likes all the same music and movies as you,

and you guys connect on everything,

- Yes? - but

he has rotisserie chickens for hands

and two honey-baked hams

for a butt.

- Deal-breaker or no? - Are they cooked?

- Yes, how warm he is. - What is, what is

the internal temperature of this meat?

Okay, I'll say, it's like, you know, its body warm,

- so it would cool down. - Is it seasoned,

- like are these hams sticky? - Yes, honey-baked.

- Oh my gosh. - And, rotisserie chicken,

- you know, like it's got the- - No, I couldn't.

That's a deal breaker for you?

That's a deal breaker for me.

It's not a deal breaker for me.

I'm just saying, if he has a great sense of humor,

he can carry it off.

He'd be like, "Hi, I'm Bob,

and I got rotisserie chickens for hands,"

- and everyone would love him. - I don't think-

- He'd be like - The novelty

- Bob the chicken hand guy. - would wear off.

You'd probably cheat on him with someone

with a regular butt.

I would not, I would never,

- you think I'm that vain? - You'd miss

- those sweet cheeks. - Sweet cheeks?

His are literally honey-baked.

I would never call ham sweet.

- It is sweet. - It's a savory treat.

It's sweet and salty,

which all the best treats are.

Deal-breaker, he must motorboat

every woman over 70 he meets.

- Hold on. - He can't help it.

- And there's contact? - Like full-on,

like his cheeks have to be kind of like smushed

- a little bit together. - Ah.

- Ah, see, it's a deal-breaker - Anytime

- It's a deal-breaker because - he went to the

- grocery store. - it's actual

sexual harassment,

- and it's like assault. - It's like Tourette's,

- but it's, - it's assault Tourette's.

it's assault Tourette's.

- Yeah, no, it's a - You'd be discriminating

- deal-breaker. - against him if

- you didn't. - What, and it's not

a deal-breaker for you?

No, it's a deal-breaker for me.

Okay, there, there we go.

- Deal-breaker. - Yep?

He's perfect, he never farts on you.

- No such man exists. - But he sweats hot dog water.

Not a deal-breaker.

- Not a deal-breaker? - No, it's not

a deal-breaker because if he thought it was kind of funny,

I think it would be something we could laugh about.

So like, I mean, if you worked out together,

would it make you gag?

No, I mean it's hot dog water.

I like ham, I like hot dogs.

Would it turn you on?

- Maybe after like enough - Oh my goodness.

- Pavlovian training. - Oh my goodness.

It's Scott!

He responded? He wasn't freaked out

by your five muppet GIFs?

What, what is it?

Oh my gosh, um,

it says, sorry, this is Scott's roommate.

He got COVID and he didn't make it.

I'm, oh my gosh.

He, well, he was like in his 30s, right?

He was 29.

I know I didn't know him like at all,

but, man, he was really cool.

That is so sad.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

I was sending him muppet GIFs while he was dying.

- Oh my gosh, I wanna barf. - That's bad.

I really hope he didn't have his phone,

like maybe his.

Um, I don't understand

- this. - What?

He just sent me a picture of a penis.

- Wait, what? - He just sent me a picture

- of a penis. - Oh my gosh!

The roommate just sent, is it Scott's?

I don't know whose penis this is.

- It's, whose? - I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know.

- Why would the roommate? - It's really blurry.

It's really blurry, it's not a good picture.

- That's a penis though. - Is he sending it

- to everyone? - Ew, he wouldn't

- send, like from his- - Like a, like a

consolation, like, oh, he's dead.

Here's something to remember him by.

Ah, that, that feels, that's horrible.

- That's not what this is. - You should call him.

What if it's his penis?

- What if he's hitting on you? - With this?

I think he's on the toilet.

- Like that's bowl, - He,

- that's bowl. - he sent you a toilet penis

right after he told you.

Oh, man, this is so much to unpack.

- Maybe he thought it was funny? - That is not funny.

- Well, yeah, I, - I don't think it's funny.

I don't think it's funny either.

I'm just laughing kinda 'cause I'm scared and-

- Okay, I think, I think you need to call him.

- Uh, uh-huh. - This is-

- I don't want to. - Blake, he sent you

- a toilet penis. - I'm aware!

Right after he told you his roommate,

- Mm hm. - who you were dating,

- We were not dating. - is dead!

Okay, yeah, that's what happened.

Call him, FaceTime him.

- What? - Look him in the eyes,

make sure that he doesn't do it to someone else.

You gotta do it.

- Do, he will not expect it. - Okay.

He's not gonna, he's not gonna pick it up.

- I'm doing this. - You don't know

- Okay. - the inside mind.

Okay.

Scott?

Oh, oh!

No, no, no, what?

Okay, okay, so,

- He is not dead. - so.

No.

He's...

- That's repulsive. - Okay.

- Lying about dying - Oh my gosh.

from COVID like right now?

Ugh, and also, you couldn't think of a single better way

to just tell me you didn't like me?

Well, we don't know that.

I mean, he did send you a picture of his penis.

It was clearly an accident.

It was not a flattering picture.

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

I mean, clearly, like he picked up his phone

after he told me he was dead,

- so he's an idiot. - Yeah.

But... I feel really stupid.

You do not need to feel stupid.

Well, it's just that I,

I liked that giant pile of crap.

So. Hm.

Blake, baby, we're going 90.

Is that four La Croixs?

- Hard day, baby. - Yeah.

Don't kick the car, it's not,

it's not her fault!

Stop.

I'll be back.

- Nana! - Jaybird, what's up,

- chicken butt? - Hey, Nana.

I really miss you.

I miss you girls, too.

- How's Blake? - Uh, she,

I mean, she's, uh, she's not great.

Well, how are you, sweetheart?

Me? Oh, I'm fine.

- Mm hm. - I am fine.

- Okay. - I just,

I can't wait to see you.

It'll feel like some part of all this isn't,

you know, just the worst.

Well, you always land on your feet,

- sweetheart, you always do. - What are you doing?

I can't talk long, my battery is going.

Hello.

Is that Nana?

- Nana, who is that? - Oh, that's Fred,

he's trying to get into my room, but he's got it.

- Got what? - You know,

the Corona.

Give me the keys, I'll drive.

Nana, why does Fred wanna get into your room?

'Cause this is time of night that he...

- Nana! - Ugh.

He finds a great deal of comfort in his routine,

and so do I.

Oh my gosh, I think Fred's the Raven.

- What? - It's a thing,

you know, like the guy in nursing homes

that goes around to all the ladies and keeps them satisfied.

Nana, do not let Fred in!

I am so excited about seeing you, girls,

and I'm ready to start a whole new chapter in my life.

- I want Bruce with me. - I thought his name was Fred?

- No, Bruce, my dog. - Um, that seems-

- Hello, Judith. - Fred!

Why is he calling you Judith?

They're all Judith to him.

I want you to go to your sister's and get my dog,

I need a familiar face.

- We're familiar faces! - Can you call a nurse?

Fred is literally scratching at your walls.

I think all the nurses have gone home, I mean, this place

- is like a free-for-all. - What?

? My lips may say ?

What is this creepy song?

- I don't know! - Okay, okay!

I love you, bring my dog

or I'm n-

- Ugh! - Nana! Ugh!

I think her battery died.

The nurses can't all be gone, she might've been confused.

And now she's canoodling with a sick Raven.

We don't know he was a Raven,

he could've been an exclusive booty caller.

She's just so pure.

- She doesn't even say fart. - I know, she says, oops,

- I popped my bottom. - Popped my bottom,

- it is so much worse. - Hello,

this is Nurse Ackerman, how can I help you?

Nurse Ackerman, we're so glad you're there.

So we were on the phone with our grandma just now,

and there was a man with COVID trying to get into her room.

Ugh, Fred, I shouldn't be saying this,

but I hope he's the next to go.

Hold please.

This hold music actually slaps.

- Ooh, oh, Willowbrook. - Okay.

- Mm, mm, mm, mm. - Yeah, okay.

- Ooh. - What is this?

This just took it to a whole new level.

Oh my gosh, I'm seeing stars.

- Woo! - Ooh, hello,

- Make-A-Wish Foundation? - Dora.

- I would like to make a wish. - Dora, give me the phone.

Okay, we've barred Fred's door.

Hey, Jeanine, move them

to the porch, the freezer truck's coming tonight.

Wait, I have a note from your grandma.

- You do? - It says, "Dolphin Testicle 89."

She said you'd understand what that meant.

- Um. - No.

- I don't think we do. - We don't.

- Paula Jenkins? - Oh, no, our grandmother's

- Paulina Jerikovic. - Oh, she has a note here too.

It says, "If I die here, please bury me with my dog."

- But her dog's still alive. - That's not my problem.

Okay, well, thank you

- so much. - Jeanine,

- is this poop or blood? - It's poop and blood.

Could you also please just keep that Raven away

- from our grandma? - Don't worry,

- Raymond's dead. - Who's Raymond?

I gotta go.

She's okay,

they're taking care of Fred,

and we are gonna go get this dog.

You're saying it's okay,

but we really don't know if anything is okay at all anymore.

- Shh. - Thank you.

Oh, that calms me so, that's so nice.

Oh!

Hey, you guys, hold on,

I'm watching, I'm watching "Bad Moms Christmas."

Oh.

Put that down!

- Sorry, hi, hi. - Hey, Erin.

We've all just been quarantined in our rooms right now.

Does someone on the ship have it?

Well, there's no tests on board, so, technically,

- no one has it. - That's,

- is, is anyone sick? - Well, there's a lot

of people coughing, but only a few people dying.

But, I mean, when does that not happen on a cruise?

I ask you, hm, come on,

- motion of the ocean. - Erin, you need

to try to get off that cruise as soon as possible.

Uh, and waste my Groupon?

- I don't think so. - Okay, um,

we're on our way to go and get Nana and-

- You guys are on a road trip without me?

Ugh, well, now I regret this cruise.

Nana asked us to pick up Bruce.

- Is he at your place? - No,

but there's a really funny story.

So this the whole cruise thing happened so fast,

I was really stressed about what to do with Bruce.

And so I'm at Trader Joe's and I'm in line,

and I'm complaining to just like anybody that would listen.

And this guy just walked up and saved my life,

and offered to take Bruce.

So you gave Nana's dog to a stranger during a pandemic.

Gorb is not a stranger.

He told me all about his mom's MS.

And he is the strongest person that I know.

- His name is Gorb? - It's Gorb,

or Lorb, or something, I don't know.

It was really hard to understand everything he was saying

with the mask on, but I have his address

because I had to drop off the dog,

so I will send that to you.

What was that?

That's a code blue, or red, or something,

it's been going on for hours.

Listen, I get home the day after tomorrow,

we should totally go to dinner or something.

Restaurants aren't really open.

I'm so excited to see you guys.

- Okay, bye. - Wait, don't make

- any memories without me. - Okay.

- Love you, bye. - Bye.

I feel so bad.

I feel so bad that she's being so stupid.

She's young, she's healthy.

If she can survive Jefferson's childbirth,

- she can survive anything. - So help me,

if I have to hear one more detail

- Jefferson's childbirth. - about her vaginal wall.

- Split from hole to hole. - Hole to hole, baby.

Have you ever pooped out your pee hole?

Give her some credit though,

she's the only woman in the world to have ever birthed

a baby, so.

- Gorb. - Gorb, there he is.

He's actually not too far out of the way,

he's pretty close to Erin's,

which means he's on the way to Nana's.

We can just swing by and get the dog.

Wait, no, no, we don't know who Gorb is,

Erin doesn't know who Gorb is.

Are we seriously gonna go to this stranger's house

and hope he doesn't have COVID.

And hope he didn't eat Bruce.

You know, Nana, she's not gonna get in this car

- without her dog. - Well, we can't

pick her up at all if we go there and get it.

We're not gonna be stupid.

We're not gonna go inside,

we'll just knock on the door.

We'll stand back

- on the sidewalk. - Ugh!

Scott is texting me.

Absolutely not, absolutely not.

- Do I wanna know? - No.

What did he say?

He asked for your Hulu password.

- Are you serious? - He's clearly a douche bag.

You are so much better than him.

- Does he think I'm stupid? - He's stupid.

And when my grandma might die

and end up in a freezer truck!?

Those nurses coulda been ordering Otter Pops.

Okay, I need to blow

off this steam!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I don't know why

this song works for you, but I'm glad it does.

Oh, it works every time.

Ooh, ooh.

Whoa, oh, yes.

- Oh, no. - Mm!

- Come on. - No.

- Come on! - No, it's not my thing.

- Groove with me. - No, Blake, come on.

You know you want to.

Oh,

- look at that. - Come on, Jamie,

get out here and dance with me.

- No. - I'm Jerry Lewis,

and I want you to play a show with me.

You know my body doesn't move like yours.

- Ooh, okay. - Oh, yeah!

Blake, Blake! Blake!

Is it illegal to sleep in a parking lot?

Nothing's illegal right now.

If we sleep for just a couple hours,

we should make it to Nana's by tomorrow afternoon.

By today afternoon.

Ow!

Stop that.

- Stop it. - No.

No, you can't poke mine,

they're still growing, I swear.

I'm not tired,

almost dying woke me up.

You wanna listen to the audio book?

Oh, okay.

Jamal looked deep into Jenny's eyes

and said, "Out here on the docks,

I don't know, you seem different."

Jenny blushed, "It's been a really amazing day, Jamal."

She made eye contact with Jamal's lizard,

and they seemed to understand each other.

Then a loud scream echoed in the distance.

They both whirled around to see Spud sprinting toward them.

"I can't believe you went to the docks without me!"

Suddenly, Spud was upon them

and he punched Jamal's lizard right in it's face.

Big mistake.

? Me, me, me, me, me ?

? Ba, lo, ke, ka, key ?

? Me, me, me, me, me ?

? Ba, lo, ke, ka, key ?

? Me, me, me, me, me ?

? Ba, lo, ke, ka, key ?

? Me, me, me, me, me ?

? Ba, lo, ke, ka, key ?

? Me, me, me, me, me, me ?

? Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha ?

? Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha ?

Ooh, ooh, Jamie.

That biker thinks that we're honking

- at him. - What?

Oh, oh, crap, sorry.

- Ah! - Sorry, no,

we, we weren't honking at you,

we were honking to the music.

It wasn't you, it was the-

Did he just spit in your mouth!?

Don't, don't scream, don't scream!

Just get off, oh my gosh!

Don't swallow, don't swallow!

I never do!

Hand sanitizer.

- You can't drink it! - I have no choice!

- Lie back, lie back! - Ah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, stay there, stay there.

I think we did all we could do.

You think you're safe to be around Nana?

I don't know. Maybe.

We don't know if that guy had COVID or not.

We don't know how long it takes for symptoms to set in.

I just couldn't live with myself if we got Nana sick.

- Or anyone. - We'll be careful.

Everyone will be okay.

Blake? Blake?

Blake? Blake?

Blake!

Meh.

No!

- Hey, baby. - What?

You farted in your sleep.

Oh.

It was like a loud one, it woke me up.

- Sorry. - It's okay,

I couldn't smell it.

I can't smell or taste anything right now.

I peed on myself.

? Stop that ?

You gotta stop.

Now that I know what he's really like,

all his pictures look so fake and staged to me.

- Who even took that picture? - Right?

The caption is, just a boy and his dog.

That dog is probably a paid actor.

- Man, look at that. - Paid actor!

Are you kidding me with that?

- Paid actor! - What is that?

Who's his agent?

- My gosh. - Sign me up.

Oh, and there's the garden,

the dumb garden, I bet it's full of radishes!

Man, and look at this picture.

Look at that.

It's actually like a really cool picture.

- Stupid. So cool. - I don't know

where the burn is in that one,

- but I 100% support you. - I don't know. I don't know.

I thought there was a burn.

You saw what you wanted to see,

it was just confirmation bias.

Just embarrassed. How can I trust myself ever again?

You can trust yourself.

You can trust yourself.

And women, we're great.

I love us.

? Please, get on your knees ?

? I came from the jungle up in the trees ?

? I got a few tricks up in the sleeve ?

? If you wanna touch my ? ? Please use caution ?

Shoot!

Shoot!

Hey, Mrs. Harper.

Jacob, Jacob, what's wrong?

Jacob, no offense, but stop calling.

Shh. Jacob, is your mom around?

- Can I talk to her? - She doesn't know

I'm calling you,

she said you're not professional.

I am professional.

Jacob, is it Bert and Ernie?

All the mice are dead!

- Wh-what? All of them? - Bert ate

- all the babies heads. - Oh!

And Ernie's head, and then I was forced

to put him down.

- What did you do? - I put him in a paper bag...

Well, he could still be fine.

And then I dropped my bowling ball on him!

- What? - And now I have no one.

It's so gross in here.

- Oh my word. - I was just so mad at Bert.

He killed his family, why would he do that?

- Jacob, give me the phone. - Why would he

- do that? - We left the mice alone,

like you told us to, and they murdered each other.

Mrs. Harper, it was a mistake,

uh, we're all going through a lot right now.

Do you know what my son had to see today?

A severed mouse spinal cord! Baby mouse tendons!

And he said the Lord's Prayer

as Bert's life leaked out of his lunch bag!

And I could not be more sorry,

but I genuinely couldn't have done anything about it,

nature can be very ugly sometimes.

I'm calling Principal Belnap,

you won't have a job by the afternoon!

- Can, can I just- - Goodbye!

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Because that was like

- really bad. - Yeah.

Yeah, it was like...

- Bad? - Yeah, it, it's fine.

There's a lot going on right now

and this is the only thing we have control over.

So we can just get Nana

and the world can continue

- to eat itself. - Yeah.

This guy might not even be home.

Well, where else would he be?

Yep, you're right, good point.

Wait, dogs can't get COVID, right?

No?

Oh, hey, hey, sorry.

Um, we were just about to knock.

Uh, we're, uh, here for Gorb.

- Gorb? - Mm hm, Gorb.

Ah, there's no Gorb here.

Um, Lorb?

- Borb? - No.

Corb? Is that a-

- He, he's taking care of a dog for our sister,

it's a big Bernese Mountain Dog.

- Evan? - Yes, probably.

- Yes, that's probably it. - Yeah, he's, he's out back.

Okay, we'll just, we'll follow.

- Can we go that way? - Okay.

- You comin'? - Yep, okay, hold on.

Evan, there's somebody here for ya.

- Really? - Yeah, they're saying

- something about the dog. - ...Okay.

They say they don't have Corona,

- but I can't trust 'em. - Good to know.

All right, I'm headed out.

- Love you, Uncle Gene. - Love you too, baby boy.

- Sorry. - Thank you.

- Mind your own business - Thank you.

and let me alone,

I can hear you messing with my stuff, and I can.

Shoot!

Well, hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, we're here for Bruce, we're Erin's sisters.

Mm, do you guys wanna go upstairs and sit on the couches?

- Oh. - Uh, no, thanks.

- They're microfiber. - No, that's okay.

Play on the tentoline?

- Sorry, play on the what? - Tentoline,

it's a tent on a trampoline.

I like to put candy in there sometimes and just-

- Oh, cool. - Uh,

that's really nice of you, but we're kind of in a rush.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hey, hey, wait, hey. - Hey.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, Evan?

You guys want some snacks?

No, we're just here for Bruce.

Right, okay.

I don't like that.

Do you think he's single?

I spit.

- Um, we can see you. - Hey.

- We can still see you. - That's someone else.

It's Scott leaving me a Marco Polo.

Are you gonna watch it?

I don't wanna deal with it right now.

You guys sure you don't want anything?

You want a drink?

- Got some soap wine. - No, we're good.

- Thanks, though. - A lotta people

have been taking alcohol and turning it into hand sanitizer,

but I took some Dial and fermented it into wine.

- We're, yeah. - Well, that's,

I don't know if that really works.

- Zip, zip, zip. - I don't, we don't want it.

Doesn't sound good to you guys?

- All full. - It's still basically soap,

you can use it as hand sanitizer too, if you want.

- Just stop. - No, we don't.

That, I don't think that actually gets anything clean.

- Mind your. - You should not be licking

- your hands. - Oh.

- That's just regular wine, - Especially when you do that.

- right? - Yeah, it's a red.

- Yikes. - Okay.

Hey, where's our dog?

He's in the basement.

You didn't kill that dog, right?

No, I wouldn't, okay, don't freak out.

- Okay, okay. - Hey.

- Hey. - Wait!

- Where's our dog? - Dog, we just want the dog.

- Okay, okay, gentle voices. - Give us our dog, please.

I just need 30 minutes.

- What are you doing? - Nothing illegal.

What is going on?

And why does it reek like Anthropology candles down there?

- It's their Volcano line. - Hey, this isn't funny,

Evan, we're trying to save our Nana

from a COVID infested nursing home before she gets it.

- Do you want our Nana to die? - No, no, I, uh.

- I've got this poodle. - She's not senile.

Nana will notice if we bring her a different dog.

No, no, no, Shoshana is mine.

I'm just saying, your sister

brought up her Bernese Mountain Dog,

he's a purebred, Shoshana's in heat right now.

What?

- You are sick. - No, I'm savvy.

Have you seen the animal shelters right now?

They're cleared out.

Companion pets are selling like hotcakes.

And bernedoodle puppies? Forget about it!

- Are you serious? - You'll want one.

You both will.

I'd give you one, can we just chill out?

I'm gonna come get her myself.

- That not cool! - No!

- Hey! No. - No, no.

- Don't you dare spit! - Don't you, no, don't you!

I didn't wanna have to do that, but I need 30 minutes,

or I will lick both of you in your nasal passages.

- No, you won't. - Nothin'

- I haven't done before. - Ew.

Do not disturb us.

Bugles!

? There is this guy ?

? His name is Evan ?

? He's taken these dogs for seven minutes ?

? In heaven ?

? Except it's really hell ?

Keep going, keep going.

? Because we have to wait ?

? For them to mate ?

? And they are gonna have ?

? Perfect little babies, yeah ?

I feel bad,

I feel bad laughing.

- You gonna watch it? - No.

Blake, it's me, your favorite person

in the world.

I don't really know what I'm going to say,

so it's probably gonna turn out really bad.

Um, I mostly just wanna say I'm s- I am sorry for-

I'm not trying to like make excuses at all,

but I am a person with a, a lot of anxiety,

and that's when the world isn't, you know, exploding.

Plus, you, you're so,

you're so cool.

I didn't know how to respond to your GIF that you sent,

it was so good, I didn't know what to,

um, say about it, and then you sent it again.

Um, so I didn't,

so I told you I was dead.

Just pulled that one out of the bag.

Oh, and then I was tryna undo that.

And, um, so what hap...

Okay, so I was on the toilet and I had told you I died,

that's where I was kinda coming from.

Whoa, my goodness.

It's annoying how close the camera button

is to the keyboard, you know, and you can just easily,

you know, you're typing a text

and you can just press the camera button.

I mean, especially if you're a guy with big hands.

Hey, nah, you've already seen it, so.

It's not that big.

I do have a huge hands, I mean, they're so big,

they, they make my penis look so small.

I do stupid things a lot, and when I do,

I don't talk to the person ever again

because that's just the easiest way, just, you know?

But I would like to keep talking to you

if you wanna be my friend still.

Okay, bye.

Oh, also, about the, um, the Hulu password,

it was supposed to be a joke, I was, ah.

But I recognize from your deafening silence,

that's not where we're at.

And it was totally a joke because I have my own,

which you're welcome to borrow if you'd like.

Uh, the password is, um, bethmarch4eva,

without an R.

It's messy, but he's sweet.

Ugh, I just have whiplash.

Is he the best or the worst?

He's not just a model shot,

or just a toilet bowl penis shot.

- He's- - He's a model shot

and a toilet bowl penis shot.

He's always gonna be a toilet bowl penis shot up here.

He's just a person.

- Yeah. - I get it.

You gonna call him?

No, I'm gonna send him a pic of my penis.

- Uh, hey. - Hey.

- Um. - I got your Marco Polo.

Oh.

Money! Oh, money!

Puppies tonight! Puppies tonight!

You in the crowd now, puppies tonight!

Do the thing, Bruce, do the thing!

Ooh. Ooh.

"Don't cry, Jenny," Spud said.

Jenny couldn't help it,

she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

Spud laid spread-eagle on the sea-soaked dock,

blood pooling beneath his stocky body.

He was built like a marshmallow,

that was probably what she'd miss most about him.

"Thanks for showing us this place," Jamal said shakily.

Just before he went completely limp,

Spud murmured, "Docks symbolize love."

And then he was gone.

- Spud, no! - This book is ripping

out my heart.

Hallelujah! It happened!

It was beautiful, I filmed the whole thing,

- I'll send it to you. - We don't want it.

You guys want some soap wine for the road?

- What? - Soap wine for the road?

- Let's just go. - Yep.

- All right. - Proud of you, Bruce.

See you folks later.

He looks so pleased with himself.

Ugh, I just got another text from Jacob.

This kid is gonna put me

in jail!

- Oh, no. - Ah, that's a big piece.

Come on, baby girl.

- You can do it. - Come on!

You don't need that thing that fell on the ground.

It was stupid, it was holding you down.

? Ooh ? ? Ooh ?

? Wah ? ? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? You're gonna start ?

? Gonna start ?

? Gonna start this car ?

? Come on ?

? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ? ? Start for me ?

? Start ? ? Hey, hey, hey, hey ?

? Start ? ? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ?

Champs Auto was closed too.

- COVID. - You folks

- having car trouble? - We're figuring it out.

- Thanks. - We are so close.

We're only 30 minutes away from Nana.

Not if we walk, it's like three hours,

plus a two month walk back to Albuquerque

with a senior citizen.

You can borrow my Uncle Gene's car!

Uh, we probably shouldn't get in your car.

Ah, man, we can't use any cars. We can't take a bus,

we can't call an Uber.

There is no way for us to get to her.

What about Nana's car?

It's at Erin's house, there's no one there.

That's at least a little closer.

- Yeah. - Wanna borrow

my rollerblades?

I got some more.

- Okay. - All right!

- We're doing it! - It's actually really nice.

Woo.

- Get the- Bruce! - Heel, Bruce.

Huh!

- Bruce! - Oh my gosh.

- Blake! - Ah!

- We made it. - Yeah,

we just gotta grab the car.

- Be at Nana's in 20? - Okay.

Wow, there are a lotta cars on Erin's street.

Is someone having a party?

- Ooh. - Hey, the Chickorakies

are here, guys.

- Hey, you guys made it! - What?

- You wanna get a burger? - It's Erin's house.

- You guys want something? - Doug, why are you home?

They docked us early, you didn't hear?

Most of the other passengers are on board,

but they let us off 'cause we're rich.

- Oh my gosh. - Well, it's not personal,

we're just, we're more valuable, wink.

So any who, all these guys were having a good time

on the boat, we figured, let's bring the boat here.

- Am I right guys? - Woo!

I don't know half of these people.

These are all your cruise people?

Isn't that crazy?

- Ugh. - Oh, man,

we'll just cook that one a little longer.

Maybe give it to one of the older people.

- Doug, where's Erin? - She, uh,

went to get your grandma.

Where are Nana's keys?

They're just in the glove compartment.

Hey, we'll see you guys later.

Who wants to play some suck and blow?

C'mon Bruce!

Oh, you're heavy, okay.

- Don't touch that! - Okay.

- Okay. - Oh, gosh,

this is full of after dinner mints.

They're not even wrapped!

- Woo! - Woo!

What do we do?

- Hi! - Hey, hey, you're in town.

Oh, did Doug ruin my surprise?

Look, I'm picking up Nana right now,

and I thought we could just all hang out together tonight,

- like a girls' night. - No, no, Erin,

uh, just let us grab Nana, we're already on our way.

Oh, stop it, I'm like two minutes away.

- Can you go any faster? - No, I'm flooring it,

this thing is so old.

Erin, um, I don't mean to be rude or anything,

but I really think you should stay away from Nana,

especially 'cause you've been around people

- who have Coronavirus. - We don't know that

that's what those people died of.

A lot of the people in the pile,

looked like they had a lot of other problems going on.

Okay, whatever, you've been around people

who may have had Coronavirus,

either way, Nana's high risk,

I really think you need to stay away from her!

Yeah, just let us do it, please.

It's sweet how worried you guys are about Nana,

but it's making you so anxious.

She's gonna be fine, this pandemic is not a big deal,

- really. - Have you been watching

- the news? - They're just trying

to make us scared, I'm not gonna live my life like that.

Thousands of people are dying!

People die in cars, people die from the flu.

People get eaten by crocodiles.

What, they're gonna cancel the NBA

because somebody gets eaten by a crocodile?

Stop touching your face, Erin!

I know, it totally makes me break out.

- She is impossible! - I'm here.

I'll call you guys after I get Nana.

No, Erin! Um, tell us about Jefferson's birth story.

- Now? - Mm hm, yeah.

Uh, you're right, we're so anxious,

and maybe a story would help.

I don't think you've told me about it yet.

Okay, but we need to start with my birth

because really that's how this whole thing begins.

So I was a high-risk birth

because I pooped so much in the womb,

the doctor thought I would choke on it and die.

McKenzie comes running in and she's like,

"What's a mucus plug?"

And my water broke.

And the sad thing is like, it was a mini dress,

so it just.

The bride was really cool about it after.

And the doctor comes in and he said,

"You have the strongest vaginal wall

- I've ever seen." - I can't.

- I can't. - And I said.

And his feet came out, they were just kicking.

And one of the nurses said, "He's breech."

And in, in my mind, I just said, "Jefferson, baby,

your breech," and it was just kind of like everything

went sort of quiet.

And he just like scurried right back up in there.

And he just like spun around and came out head first.

Like we just understood each other.

And once they like wiped all the poop

from his beautiful little face,

they just handed me an angel.

I thought, I'm just a vessel.

But I don't know if everything like went back together

the way that it's supposed to,

but we just like carefully scraped it off

and put it in a jar, and I use it as night cream.

That's her Escalade, right?

We should have her meet us somewhere

to talk about her and Doug's first time.

Ugh, let's have her meet us at Denny's.

- Denny's isn't open. - She doesn't care.

I'm gonna go get her, I'll call you guy later, bye!

- Erin, Erin! - No, no, no, no!

She's getting out!

She's going inside!

Take care of Nana for me, Jamie.

No, no, no, Blake, what are you doing?

There's always something you can do.

No, no, no, Blake!

No, she'll infect you!

Ow, Blake!

Go, Jamie, go!

Just stay, just stay, just stay down!

- You're on my finger! - Erin!

- Ah. - Stop!

- Hi. - Stop it!

Sorry, I missed you.

Um, I'm actually right outside.

- No, just, okay, okay. - It is really good

- to see you though. - It's good to see you too.

- Okay, now get off of me. - Stop struggling!

All right, let's-

- Just stay down!

- Hey! - I love you, but stay down.

Oh, hey, Jamie.

Oh, I love your pink hair.

I mean, you're roots, obviously, need to be done,

but I bet it was really cute when you first did it.

What's wrong?

Nana's dead.

- Oh, Jamie. - Don't touch her,

don't touch her.

I don't understand, we just, we just talked to her

and she was fine.

Apparently, it was really sudden,

um, she was fine this morning,

and, uh, then her heart gave out.

- Oh, no. - No, no,

she's just inside though.

We just, we got all the way here,

we just have to go and get her, right?

I just, having a really hard time breathing right now.

I'm just, um, really, really hot.

- I can't, - Jamie?

- I can't breathe. - Jamie, whoa, whoa.

- Jamie! - Jamie!

- Where are you going? - I'm too hot!

Jamie, just slow down a minute.

- Ugh, she's going so fast! - She is in such great shape.

Oh my gosh, we lost her.

Dead body!

Oh, oh, don't look, don't look at it!

It's just me.

Hey, baby, you lost your pants.

They were too chafey.

Yeah.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm sorry I can't hug you.

Oh, that's nice, thanks.

Ew!

- Ew, wear a mask! - Come on!

Oh, calm down, they don't even work.

Dude, I don't think we're gonna find your pants.

- Did you bury them? - No, I didn't bury my pants,

Erin.

This way. I have ears like a bat.

It happens in motherhood.

Boom, there they are!

Wow, you really flung those bad boys.

I'm way impressed.

- Mrs. Harper. - You do not need

- to answer that right now. - Hello?

- Hi, Miss Jerikovic, Jamie. - Yes?

It's Ainsley Harper, I, um,

I wanted to apologize for being so hard on you earlier.

I went through Jacob's phone and, um,

there are a lot of much older women in his contacts.

- I mean, I'm not that old. - He's been texting

the babysitter, the widow across our street,

my gynecologist. I just feel terrible.

Ugh, I have a lot of rage and I usually blow off steam

by shooting guns out of my sunroof,

but with the kids not being in school,

I just haven't had that me time, you know?

- Sure. - And Jacob is just friendly,

- he's not a weirdo. - You know, he's actually

a really nice kid, Mrs. Harper,

very emotionally in tune.

Well, I'm not gonna call

Principal Belnap or anything.

I mean, I'm still not very happy about the dead mice babies,

- What the hell? - but I'm just too tired

to argue about that right now.

- Hang in there, Ainsley. - I'm still gonna need

you to pay for my damaged blazer though.

- It just wasn't right. - Sure, absolutely.

Okay, thank you so much.

Hey, that's good.

No, Erin, neither of us

- is dating anyone. - I was just asking.

There's just, there's a pandemic happening right now,

- I mean, for some. - so it's kinda hard.

But you don't understand,

this is my car!

I can't just have you getting into a random car.

- Oh my gosh! - Oh, Nana!

Jaybird, will you please tell Nurse Ackerman

that this is my car and my dog.

- Nana! - Oh, oh-oh, baby.

- Oh my! - Oh.

I don't understand, they told me you died.

Ugh, I am so sorry,

Dora has been messing with our files,

- it's been a nightmare. - Okay, okay,

yeah, can we just get our Nana home?

Yes, I will go get the release forms.

- Okay, okay. - Babycakes!

Hi, Nana, I'm sorry, we can't get close,

Erin and I got exposed.

- Hi, Nan. - Hi, Erin.

- Wha... - We did it.

- Yes, we did! - Mm!

- Mm. - Ah.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

- Hey! - Ooh.

- Doctor, don't. - Oh, my.

See you at home?

I'll see you in a couple weeks.

I'll take good care of her.

Ah, oh, oh, Erin.

I love you too.

Oh, oh, no!

I can't handle this right now!

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like ?

? I'm dynamite ?

Oh gosh.

? You're gonna love ?

? Gonna love me ?

- ? But you can't have it all ? - I'm invisible,

I'm invisible.

- Ah! - Ah!

? You're gonna love me ?

? Gonna love me ?

? But you can't have it all ?

Well, I haven't,

I haven't cut with this.

- Size four. - I need food!

No, you don't, you've eaten.

? And I know we could be the best, baby ?

? But I know I'm tired of hiding ?

? And I know I want it all ?

? And I know I got to feel me ?

? Feel me ?

? Ooh, yeah ?

Well, where were you on the night of the crime?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

Lose weight.

Feel great.

? I'm gonna feel like dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Ooh, yeah, I'm on top tonight ?

? I'm gonna feel all right ?

? I'm feeling like I'm dynamite ?

? Dynamite ?

- And I have a date tonight. - Way to lighten up, Dr. D.

Blind date service.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull