Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Are you coming into the UK to engage in prostitution?

I'd happily take a rimjob, but you look kind of busy.

Are you a member of a terrorist organisation?

Do I look like a terrorist?

Actually, you do, a bit.

You look like you might have been blown up by one of your own, er...

..badly made devices.

Damn right! I look like the worst kind.

I look like a terrorist with nothing to lose.

Yeah, but obviously you're just a dick.

And I can't be arsed processing you.

Oooh!

I could so have a bomb in this bag ready to blow up a plane.

Yeah.

But you are heading off that way.

You, sir, are Britain's finest.

Next.

It is so easy getting into this country!

Zig zag

Zig zag wanderer

Zig zag wanderer

Zig zag wanderer

Zig zag dreams

Zig zag.

APPLAUSE ON TV

Thank you so much for helping me to the loo.

It's so hard to find good help these days.

I'm back!

SHE YELLS EXCITEDLY

You thought you got rid of me, didn't you?

Hoped. Hoped I got rid of you.

So how's life? What have you been up to?

Tell me everything.

Just sitting about, wiping arses.

BELL RINGS

Urgh. Did you text him?

Did I text who?

Tim! Oh, God.

You're back! How did you find me?

I linked to your Find My Friend on your phone before you left, silly.

That's creepy.

You know, he's so rude.

No. It's just I like to....

He's in the presence of an essential worker and he hasn't clapped once.

God. Sorry I didn't even think.

HE APPLAUDS

Thank you. You're welcome.

We should probably move to a bigger table.

CLAPPING CONTINUES

OK. So whereabouts are you staying then, Tim?

Well, I've had a little trouble finding a place.

HE EXHALES

LIFT DINGS

ORNAMENTS SMASH

Well, er, my nan sadly passed away.

Fuck me, is this shit anecdote ever going to end?

Er, I just mean she left me her place.

It's not huge and it does have a slight old lady smell to it.

But, you know...

"Freedom!"

Braveheart.

Well, you'll know.

Well, that's great, I'll just stay with you.

Yeah, for...for a few days, that would be great.

Yeah. That's what friends are for, right?

What's "friends" got to do with this?

HE CHUCKLES

Good one.

Ruth, can you give me a hand with these?

I can't, I'm inspecting to see if Tim is going to live here.

Well, make yourself at temporary home.

What is the plan, Tim?

So it turns out all I need to stay in Britain is a student visa.

Nah, I don't think it's that easy.

Actually, yeah, that would have been simpler.

Yeah, so I'm going to enrol in college. Amazing, that's brilliant.

Yeah, I always regret my decision not to go to university.

Whose decision?

The university's.

Because?

Cos I failed my A levels. TIM LAUGHS

But, er... So what are you studying, Tim? Psychology, or...?

It's close to psychology.

It is...

..puppetry!

Pup...puppetry?

Dude, I just needed a visa.

And, being differently abled,

you'll be eligible for student accommodation!

I'll come with you and make sure you find the right office if you want.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, who's that?

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Timmy, what's up?

Not much, about to go to college.

I wish I could go back to college again, get some ass and some drugs.

Oh, Mom!

Do you need some condoms? Don't be getting anybody pregnant, OK?

Cos they'll come out like you. Oh, no!

Did you try coke yet?

You got to get quality stuff, make sure you don't get it cut

with those laxatives cos then you shit your brains out.

And maybe, you know, you could get somebody to blow it up your ass.

Yeah.

All right, Timmy, you have a good time, huh? You enjoy yourself.

Bye, Mom.

Love you.

Love you, I love you...

Like, what time do they close?

The website said five o'clock.

Yeah, we're not going to make that.

Let's just come back tomorrow early in the morning.

And the latest madness.

Trans "athletes" claiming their human rights to take

part in women's weightlifting championships.

Wow, do you actually put identities that you're scared of

in "air quotes"? Answer the question!

How is it fair when you have physically stronger men

taking part in the women's weightlifting?

Well, I'm sure you can still watch it...

..crying and jerking off into a sock.

I...I don't do that.

At least we know which direction the Incel Society is.

IDRIS LAUGHS

That's good.

I mean, uh, what a bloody saddo, eh?

Er, I don't think I need your validation.

Hi, I'm Bobbiey.

Er, Tim.

Nice to meet you. You know, I just don't understand

how people can be so lacking in compassion.

Our difference is our strength.

I'm a white pansexual - who's not attracted to women.

Bisha is Indian and queer. Um, no...

You know, it's so hard coming out to Muslim parents.

But men like that feel threatened by - God forbid - Bisha's story.

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't agree more.

Er, I think minorities have got so much to teach us.

Er, as carriers of white privilege it is our job to learn,

not their job to teach.

That's exactly... No, I...

I mean I'm a big fan of the, er, Hillary Clinton quote about...

What, Hillary Clinton the neo-liberal war-monger?

What, do you think I'd like her

just because I identify as a woman and so does she?

I like your vibe, Tim.

We're heading to the bar, fancy a drink?

Actually...

..do you know where I can get cocaine?

Right, who wants a drink? Oh, I'll get these.

Why?

Can you not handle someone you perceive as a woman

paying for a round?

N-no.

I... I'll just have an orange juice.

Mmm. I'm not really sure I'm comfortable

being the only one drinking alcohol, surrounded by people

who identify as male.

Cocktails? Yes! Ooh.

I will have a me-too-garita.

And Idris will have consensual sex on the beach.

Perfect.

You can like it, he's never going to get it.

Up on Melancholy Hill

There's a plastic tree...

I actually wanted a pint.

Bisha, I know you're not allowed to drink and we all respect your views.

We may all be drinking - you do you.

I just want you to know, you are heard, Bisha.

I'm not really, not... Cheers to Tim!

Eurgh.

What, is it 2015?

Why don't you just stab that thing straight into a sea turtles eye?

Tim, er, needs them to drink so it's...

I think Tim can make the decision on his own.

Yeah, it's just the paper ones go all mushy. Oh.

OK, well, I guess if Tim wants to use a plastic straw that's fine.

Sorry... Am I still in trouble?

Yes!

It's called moral relativism.

And as Tim is oppressed as a member of the disabled community...

Ooh, I'm not disabled.

Oh.

Yeah, I...I took the decision to identify as able-bodied.

Er...

Oh...

Oh, my God, I mean that...

..that is...

And I assumed traditional body norms and mis-abled you.

Oh, my God, I need re-educating.

No, you don't.

Tim's actually only just mentioned this thing.

It is not Tim's job to teach.

It is our job to learn. I am so sorry, Tim.

I mean, is there anything I can do to make reparations?

You could get us coke.

Er... Yeah, OK.

So they think you're able-bodied?

Can they see?

And more to the point, Tim, if you really are able-bodied,

you've got no excuse for your smell.

Ruth we're living in a post-label society.

If Tim chooses not to identify as disabled, that's absolutely fine.

Just like I might not identify as a man,

that would be fine too if... if that were the case.

Oh, you're definitely not a man.

But they sound like fucking idiots.

Ruth, come on.

Just because they disagree with your world view doesn't make them idiots.

They are idiots cos they listened to Tim.

They may be idiots...

..but they are idiots with coke.

Hey, I'm knackered.

Idris, where's your bed? Wait, but...

Oh, look who's not clapping.

I can't believe I live with someone

so unappreciative of essential workers.

IDRIS CLAPS

I'm...I'm exhausted and I'm going to go hit the hay.

Hang on, where am I going to sleep?

Seems like a you problem.

Did I say you could stop clapping, fucknuts?

CLAPPING RESUMES

I really think we should get to the disability office, Tim.

Even if it is all the way up there.

Good to get your own place wouldn't it? Both of you.

Bobbiey! Oh, hi, Tim!

I'll see you later.

We're going to brunch if you want to come.

I know this wild place

and I've been telling everyone about my cool new friend.

They would all would love to learn your narrative.

Did you get cocaine?

Yep. I have called a guy.

Sweet!

In that case brunch with you sounds like a hardship worth paying.

So last night I was reading about Malala.

Don't know if you... What, a woman who's decided to squander

her moral capital and go to private school?

Yeah, I...I read it, I just thought,

"Where does this bitch get off trying to lecture us,"

you know what I mean? Don't call her a bitch!

You cis men really need to stop judging.

OK, here's your coffee. Thank you.

Hi, mate, do you want me to get you a chair?

Oh... Why would he need a chair?

Because he's...disabled?

What, you label him because he uses a frame?

He actually identifies as able-bodied.

Oh, OK, cool. Yeah.

I got you, mate. But stools are...

Aw, fuck it.

So, we have so much to do today.

Idris says I need to go to the disability office.

Wow. OK, boomer.

Some friend you are.

Just think of all the narrow-minded bigots we can challenge

when we tell them that Tim self-identifies as able-bodied!

It will blow their minds! I've got the whole day planned.

Dude, I'm not sure that I want to. PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, hang on. It's my guy for later.

Yeah?

Fuck it. I'm in!

MUSIC: Are You With Me Now? by Cate Le Bon

THUD

WHISTLE

THUD

Are you with me now?

Come on, Tim, I think we should try and get this accommodation sorted,

if you can just... What are you doing?

Hmm? Er, we're going to the disability office.

Oh, Jesus. Have you learnt nothing from Tim?

Come on, they're organising an alt-right rally in the Union.

I think it's just the Lib Dems. Yeah, fucking fascists!

Fuck this, man.

Being morally superior is exhausting.

Come on, slow coach.

Yo, Bee!

Oh, there you are. What a day.

Yes! Oh, now it's time to party!

Be good to get out of this oppressive environment.

You could, er, come back go to mine if you want.

If it's, you know, a small thing.

Mad! Money, house, paper

Look down pon mi shoe ah alligator

Ah weh me live? Skyscraper

If you nuh like me you must be a hater

Anything dem wan' me do dem haffi pay for

Fi count my money, y'ah go need calculator

Anywhere me step - undertaker

9-1-1, dem haffi call a operator

Get up and move, dash weh dat

Money tie up inna bank

But ah nuff we stack

Money haffi flip - acrobat...

I mean, could you turn it down a smidge?

Could you turn it down a smidge?

VOLUME INCREASES

No! Uh...

Sorry, excuse me. I just need to squeeze past.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

I just need to get to the sink, thank you.

Oh! Can you keep your party noise down?

I'm tryin' to fuck in here!

What? In my room? Is she tied...

Are those my ties?

I ain't perfect but I promise I won't do you wrong...

Oh, we did some great stuff today, mate.

Look, I'm sorry if I'm a.... I was a bit impatient. I just...

I've still got so much to learn from you, Tim.

Oh, don't worry.

My dealer has assured me that it's ethically sourced.

As is this straw.

Bottoms up.

Fuck! Er...

Look. Well, maybe... Maybe we should...

Do you want a hand there? Help you, yeah. Here we go.

Thank you.

I'll just, er...

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

What the fuck is going on?

Oh... Come here.

Hold it steady. Careful. Yeah.

You got it? You got it?

Careful. Just take it easy.

Oh! Oh! Jeez, gone everywhere.

Should have blown it up his arse.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

That was £200 worth of gear! What did you do that for?!

Whoa! Whoa! He can't help it. OK?

He's very disabled. He is not...disabled.

He is just another able-bodied cis white man

who thinks he can do whatever he wants

because he's got no lived experience of exploitation or suffering.

OK. Come on, princess.

No, he doesn't recognise his own bias, unconscious and conscious.

He doesn't realise he is part of the systemic bigotry

of the failed capitalist structures that are all just a facade.

Off you fuckity fuck.

He needs to de-centre his privilege!

Hey! I've finally got privilege!

Wow. That was amazing.

You know, I'd...I'd love to get some breakfast and have a chat.

I know it's...it's not your job to teach but it is my job to learn.

Nah, bruv, fuck all that shit.

I'm only in it for the D and the coke,

and that queef wasted the coke.

And you're shit in bed.

See you tampons later.

PHONE CHIMES

I got an email. Will you read it?

I think I forgot how.

"Dear Mr Renkow, I'm sorry to inform you

"that, as you've missed the application deadline

"for assisted disability housing,

"we have taken you off our waiting list.

"Have a wonderful year."

Oh.

Looks like we're going to be living with you, Idris!

Idris, stop fucking clapping! I'm trying to sleep.

MUSIC: Close To Me by The Cure

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