Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Well... Well...

What the fuck?

Well...

If it isn't Tiny Tim!

Kiefer.

And when I say Tiny, I mean your dick.

My oldest enemy!

I'm saying your dick is small.

I haven't seen you since art school.

They put you in the girls' dorm

because your dick is so small.

Yeah... No, wait.

We always have to wait for you, Kiefer.

You never got any pussy in art school either.

I remember.

I thought you'd be dead by now.

I thought we might both be.

I'm not dead.

I'm amazing.

My latest exhibition starts next week in Shoreditch.

When's your exhibition, Tiny Tim?

When's your fucking exhibition, Tiny Tim?

Tiny Tim, your dick is so small the only exhibition you've made

is an exhibition of yourself... with your small dick.

That wasn't worth coming back for.

BEEPING

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Timmy.

Where are you?

Why is it so dull?

I have to be really, really quiet.

Mom, you've never been quiet in your life.

Timmy, I really need you to do something for me.

Mom, you're acting really strange.

Are you on the valium again?

No. I really need you to...

..give your Mama a motherfucking kiss, you freak!

Hey, Mom! Hi, baby.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Can't wait to meet Tim's mum. Do you think she'll like me?

No. Why?

No-one likes you, especially on the first impression.

And then when they you get to know you, they really don't like you.

She does like me. Hi, guys! Hi.

Mom, this is Ruth.

Oh, Ruth, I've been dying to meet you.

And would you like coffee?

Sure. Sorry...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You must be Mrs Renkow. Is it Miss? Ms?

I wouldn't want to presume that you'd take the name of a man.

Could be maiden name.

Sorry, I'm mansplaining.

Do you have that term in America, mansplaining?

It's when a man sort of explains something to... Stop it.

I'm doing it again. I'm sorry.

Idris. Idris. I thought you made him up.

I wish I had.

You've raised a wonderful son, Mrs Mum.

Mrs Renkow.

OK...

So, I had an idea to save Timmy's ass.

We get him hitched.

This way, they'll HAVE to let him stay.

So you marry Ruth. What?!

No! Look, you already wipe his ass.

Why not put a ring on it?

The NHS asks a lot, but...

But you're allowed to marry patients!

Yeah, I've considered it if they've got their own flat

and they're, like, 97. OK.

Well, that definitely fucked up my plan. Not necessarily.

I mean, Tim could find another girl.

Well, I want him to get a nice girl, not just get him laid.

I mean, if that was the issue,

I'd pay 500 bucks and hire a streetwalker.

Mom, this is so demeaning.

No, Tim, we could hook you up with a few dates.

And you might find love and all that other bullshit.

Well, if you think so.

Yeah, we'll get you on the dating sites. You'll get loads of hits.

Hey, you know you should keep that camera covered up?

It can record you all the time. Don't be silly.

Can it? What, all the time? Yes.

No. It doesn't really matter cos I don't really watch a lot of...

I mean, the stuff I do watch, it's all female friendly.

Clothes-on type of stuff, not the...

There's quite some rude stuff out there.

Is it MILFs?

Not, Mrs Renkow, that older women aren't attractive. Jesus...

I'm sure you yourself have a very active sex life.

Okey-doke, Tim, let's get you logged in.

Just a few details... Interests?

Eugenics.

Know thy enemy, Idris!

Mom, why do I have to do this?

Because you literally fucked up every other avenue.

Hmm.

Look, don't be scared.

You know that beauty is on the inside, right?

Yeah, but what about the outside?

You're an acquired taste, my love.

SHE LAUGHS

Look at my boy, all dressed up,

going out to date! Mom, I've been on dates before.

Yeah? What kind of girls are you into?

Come on! I just want to know.

Are you an ass man?

Mom, I like to keep a little mystique.

Yeah? You like a nice rack?

All right, all right, all right, all right.

What DON'T you like?

I don't know, Mom. I guess I'm open-minded.

I'm just looking for a girl

that doesn't have...

A gag reflex?

Come on, that was a good one!

Yeah, very good!

I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back

Pair of khaki pants with my shoes shined black

Got a little lady walk that street

Telling all the boys that she can't be beat.

Hey.

I'm Tim.

You seem different to your photo.

Yeah. Maybe I'm a bit shorter.

It's just...

You didn't tell me you were disabled.

I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

Oh, nice.

How long do I have to sit here?

It's not speed-dating. You can leave any time.

Yeah, but so as I'm not being rude.

Because to be fair, I wasn't expecting a disabled.

No, I'm not shocked. I actually went out with a disabled guy once,

so I know how much a fucking pain in the arse it is.

No!

Not feeling it.

But you liked my photo.

Do I look like I am in control over whether I swipe right or left?

INAUDIBLE

Don't worry. I've got a friend who's in a wheelchair, so...

Yeah, but I'm not in a wheelchair.

Wheelchairs turn me on.

SLURRED: So, what's... What's your name? Tom?

Tim. Tim.

Ah. And what... What is it you've got?

Is it... Is it cancer?

Yes, sure.

Why not?

Can you still do stuff?

Do you want to come home with me?

Fuck it, yeah. Why not?

I think this must be her address.

It's where all her deliveries go.

A lot of self-help books.

I'll get her home.

It's not my place to say anything, but I think you can do better, mate.

It's cold out tonight.

Are you drawing me? Yeah, I am.

I kind of look like...

A young Mr Herbert from Family Guy?

Uh, no!

That's not... The right grain of charcoal for the beard.

You're right. You really know your stuff.

The bus is late.

Yeah, there's not been one for, like, 30 minutes. Jesus.

I'd better go.

Shit, that sucks,

cos I've really got to get back to...

Well, nothing really.

SHE GIGGLES

Do you want me to walk with you?

You know, just to...

Three hours later than I need to be?

Oh, why not?

I'm Clara.

I'm Tim. Hi, Tim.

You know, the last girl probably just thought you were pissed

and trying to fit in.

I gave up trying to fit in a long time ago.

Anyway, this is me. Thanks for the walk, Tim.

So...

Yeah.

I would love to... Ask me out?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was coming.

Uh...

How... How do you feel about art exhibitions?

I love art exhibitions.

What about fucking tailboards?

They're, like, the best.

Cool. What are you doing tomorrow night?

Timmy, why can't Mommy meet your new hottie,

your future wife, your baby mama?

Oh, pretty much because of everything you just said.

But I'm so excited for you.

Do you think she'll put out?

Let's just take it slow, Mom.

Look, I'm just trying to help.

You're going to wear your shoes, aren't you? Mom!

I know how to be around girls.

Tim, your mum's just clearly looking out for you, aren't you?

Just making sure that

if you did want to share an intimacy with a lady...

Who uses the phrases like "intimacy with a lady"?

Have you ever had sex, Idris?

I beg your pardon? Yeah.

I've... I've done stuff. Yeah.

Don't you worry about that.

And both sorts of stuff.

Both sorts?

Well, I'll have to say, Tim, this Clara does sound very nice.

She fucking is.

I don't want either of you to fuck this up for me.

I'm going to woo Clara, so keep this shit out.

Where is the exhibition, sweetie?

Oh, you just go down the street

and mind your own goddamn business.

Yo, yo, yo, what a night

New York City Heard it going down

Friday night, midnight

Atlantic City, slot machines Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding

When they ring off, lock the doors

That's when Ghost just g'd off

Cigars, Paisley robes

Four bitches guarding me safely as we walk to the window

The cashier was scared She asked for my info

The manager arrived with two guards...

ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Well...

HE SIGHS

Well... Kiefer, I don't have time for this.

No-one has time for this.

Well, if it isn't the guy with the biggest micro penis

I've never seen.

How many double negatives is that?

Couldn't stay away, could you?

My exhibition evokes the true experience of suffering

with cerebral palsy.

It does in a way,

because it's fucking awful.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say it was world class and groundbreaking,

but it's nice of you to say it. Oh, my God, I didn't.

How much of this shit is pre-programmed?

You know what?

It doesn't matter,

cos I'm here with my date Clara.

Clara?

She looks like she loves a bit of Kiefer.

No, actually, this was on her bucket list.

And by that I mean that list of things

that make her want to be sick in a bucket.

Hi, Tim. Hello.

These are quite good.

They're evocative.

I wouldn't put them on my fridge

and my fridge is fucking disgusting!

Oh, really? Yeah.

Do you not think there's, like, a...perspicacity to them?

Yes.

If that word means shit.

You're... There he is! Oh, my God.

Fuck! I knew you made a mistake and it was tonight in Shoreditch,

not next Tuesday in Brighton, like you said.

How did you even know where to find me?

When he said it was an exhibition by an artist with cerebral palsy,

there's only one causing a five-star buzz.

I mean, it's not like you've got an exhibition, is it?

Hi. You must be hot Clara?

Oh...

I think the "hot" is silent.

Sorry, I didn't mean to objectify you sexually.

It's my third least favourite way of being objectified.

Oh, God. Just so don't make another mistake, what are first two?

I'm joking! Oh, God.

I told him to practise talking to women.

She didn't.

Hi. Idris.

Please tell me my mom isn't here.

No.

She's... She's just paying for the cab.

I've got to go and hide.

Nice ass.

So, where's your little lady friend?

Oh, she's in the toilet.

That's exactly where I'm headed.

That little shit Idris introduced me to the British shepherd's pie.

The shit's going right through me.

Oh, lovely.

Well, I'll stand guard.

MUSIC PLAYS

So...

We could get out of here. Ten more minutes.

I just bought something.

You know, there is a really impressive brain at work here.

Really? Mm-hm.

Actually, do you want to meet him?

Wow. That'd be great. Do you know him?

Oh, yeah.

All cerebral palsies know each other!

I cannot wait for you to meet him.

Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.

I've just been saying how much I'm enjoying your exhibition.

I paint myself, but I'm just an amateur, really, though, so...

Every trained artist was once an amateur.

That's really kind of you.

Every child is an artist.

The problem is how to remain an artist when we grow up.

Jesus. Yeah.

The principles of true art is not to portray

but to evoke.

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves.

So fucking lose yourself.

Tim, that's rude.

This is so fucking bullshit.

He just downloaded the quotes from the internet.

Cerebral palsy represents as both light and shade.

To truly see its limitation and possibilities

is to present it as both two- and three-dimensional space.

No, it doesn't!

Tim, I think Kiefer knows what he's talking about.

No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. Please. Sorry.

Safari cannot connect to the internet.

I went behind the bar and turned the Wi-Fi off.

Safari cannot... Safari cannot connect to the internet.

See the true Kiefer now?

If they made a film about Tim,

it would not be My Left Foot.

It would be Tim's Right Hand Wanking.

I'll use my left foot to kick your ass!

Oh, yeah? Yeah, you piece of shit.

I'll fucking beat your legs into scrambled eggs!

I'll beat you till your voice works!

I'll kick your ass so hard your mom will end up in the hospital!

Everyone, this is want just performance art,

so enjoy it!

Right, stop! Please stop.

Sorry, Clara.

Oh, you're Clara?

Why you little minx, you! Welcome to the fam...

I don't ever want to see you again, Tim.

Well, that's what I said when I first saw him,

but then you grow to just adore him.

Hey, Cuntarella, would you take 500 bucks

to bang him?

And performance art...scene!

Hold tight, count to three Gotta stay close by me

And hold tight, sing and shout

Just ride my roundabout

And hold tight, shut your eyes

Girl, you suit me for size

Forget these other guys

You'll never fall

Each time you call

Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight...

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