Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Just wait there, love.

Yes, come on.

Not you. Not safe for you.

Can I go now?

Back! Get back!

Go back! Go back! Right back!

Hey, Timothy. I just wanted to see your cute little face.

Hey, Mom. Is everything OK?

No, you broke-ass son of a bitch.

You maxed out the account again.

Your sugar mommy cannot keep bailing you out.

I think, in this instance, it's just "mommy".

Are you eating properly?

Mom, I think we both know I can't eat properly.

You've got to eat, honey.

Jesus, you'll lose about 1,000 calories just trying to sit still.

Could you sit still? You're rocking and rolling all over the place.

OK, Mom. Is there anything else?

Yeah. Just get your shit together. Eat, wear your shoes.

I got shoes.

You did?

If anything, they just make it harder to walk.

Is that where the money's gone? On that gag?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, Timmy, you're a piece of work!

Oh... Right.

Tuna...

..pasta...

..Cheerios...

..and...

..Tangfastics.

Right, is there anything that you want?

Can I get some bread, some cheese?

I'll put Doritos.

They're sort of bread and cheese.

Right. That'll do for now.

You probably can't carry any more anyway.

Oh, and, Tim, hurry up, because I am starvin'.

Fuck it.

Is this food free?

Yes. You no wait.

Please, come to front.

Oh...

..shit!

Allahu akbar.

Er...

Hakuna matata.

Finally!

Oh, you're not Tim.

No, I'm Idris.

Well, you're not an Idris either.

Right, so why are you here?

I've just got some job applications for Tim to look over.

Oh, your mum told you to get out the house?

No.

Right, so, is Tim not in? Maybe I'll just wait inside.

Oh... No. He'll be hours.

Hang on, you were clearly just expecting him there.

All right, Miss fucking Marple.

But I'll warn you - I am very comfortable with a silence.

SHE SIGHS

Marhabaan. You all right?

Yes, not too bad.

Marhabaan.

Sorry, my Arabic isn't great.

Do you understand English?

Oh, yeah.

Or...a little. Little.

My speech comes and goes.

That's OK.

Hi, I'm Benedict, campaign director here at Refugee Effort.

What can I call you, my friend?

Mohammed...

..Ali.

Can I call you Ali?

Yeah! Yeah.

It's so nice to meet anyone that's been displaced from their home

for whatever reason.

You're always welcome here.

I should go.

Sorry. Don't go.

I'd really like to know a bit more about your particular story.

Maybe I could get you some more food.

Could I get another whole dinner to go?

DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV

So...are you well?

MUSIC STOPS

Have you heard of simulation theory?

Yes! Erm...

No.

Well, it theorises that our entire consciousness exists

in a computer simulation.

We're all just streams of code.

Therefore, there's no actual pain or pleasure.

It's artificial.

It's not real.

You cannot suffer, as actions have no material consequence.

You see, if I do this...

..it's not me doing it.

It's the code. That's not real pain.

It's just pixels.

Hittin' pixels.

Sorry, and this is what you believe, is it?

No.

SHE SIGHS

Where the fuck is Tim?

So, let me get this straight -

North African Junior Skateboarding Champion.

Captured by Isis, escape.

Captured again, escape again.

Brother killed, sister killed, parents killed.

Captured again.

Tortured.

Cerebral palsy.

Escaped.

Sea. Raft. swim.

Britain?

Yes.

Can you get cerebral palsy from torture?

Yes.

No, I just want to know as much detail about this as possible.

PHONE CHIMES

I should go. Yeah, of course.

Just before you do, though,

I want to get a quick photo for the magazine.

It's such a great story. People are going to love this.

What else was I supposed to do, Idris?!

Give me one more sensible option.

Maybe not taking the food out of the mouths of starving refugees, Tim.

You know, some of 'em were quite fat.

I don't even understand why you were there.

I don't understand why you're here.

Well, I was just hanging out, just chatting with Ruth.

She, er... She really is a formidable intellect.

This is fuckin' delicious!

HE SNIGGERS

Anyway, it might help with the whole visa sitch.

How? I'm a refugee now.

They can't kick me out.

Tim, they're not going to buy the fact that you're an

international junior skateboarding champion...called Mohammed Ali.

Ah, Ali after the Parkinson's -

float like a butterfly, shake like a shitting dog.

Tim, you know this could actually cost you a visa on a moral level?

Shouldn't we be trying to help Refugee Effort?

What would you do about it, Barney?

You just bang on without ever actually lifting a finger.

You're like Gary Lineker.

I am NOT like Gary Lineker!

OK, let me break a confidentiality,

just to prove a point.

There was a man. His name is Adnan.

He was an architect from Al-Safira in Syria.

He came home one day to find his house had been destroyed.

His young family killed.

For real, Tim.

He fled Assad and Isis on a raft made of pallets.

Came all the way to Britain to try and rebuild his life here.

He came to me, asked if I could help him, and I did help him.

I got him an interview at Bella Pasta.

TIM SNIGGERS

I mean, I don't think he actually went for it.

He told me to shove it up my arse

and I've not seen him since, but the point is I didn't just stand back

and do nothing, Ruth.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, it's Benedict.

Ali, hi. In the hour since we put the story up on the website,

it's had such a great response. Everyone's so moved.

I was wondering if we could actually do a follow-up film,

and obviously we'd be able to help you out with asylum applications,

grants, food.

What would be really good is if we could actually come and see

where you live.

You want to come here?

Like, they could deliver this shit!

Ask him to bring pudding.

Ask him.

Could you bring some pudding?

Er... Yeah, sure.

So, how about tomorrow?

Yeah, around two?

That's perfect.

Gimpy! What the fuck?! You're pretending you're Syrian?!

That's just hilarious!

SHE LAUGHS

You persuaded some people that you could survive a war zone?

Honey, you could barely survive a womb,

and that's like the easiest place to survive.

I love you, you fuckin' maniac.

I'll come visit you in Guantanamo!

Love you!

Thanks so much for this, Ali.

I just thought a more familiar environment would make

for a more relaxed interview, and the people coming

onto our website, they want to see what conditions for refugees

are really like. We can get you some help, you know.

Someone to come round and do a basic clean at least.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Ah.

These must be your cohabitants.

Hi, I'm Ben.

And?

Oh, you're British.

Sometimes we can be refugees in our own country.

Sometimes...

..the things that we're running away from are not drugs...

If I appear in one frame of your film,

I will smash all of your fucking toys.

Hi, I'm Ben. Hi. Idris.

Ben, I do admire everything you're doing.

You're British, too?

Yes, I'm...

The thing is, Ben...

We're lovers.

Yeah, we're lovers.

Yeah, we're lovers. OK.

Wow. This is perfect. What a beautiful story.

It's got everything. How did you meet?

Idris has a heart the size of a disabled toilet.

He loves refugees,

don't you, Idris?

Erm...

Yeah, but, erm...

He calls me his little Piglet and he's my grumpy old Eeyore!

Ooh! A little kiss, there.

Great. Let's get set up.

Sorry, so, can we just make it look a bit more sub-poverty in there?

Action.

None more so than with this remarkable man, Ali,

who fled Syria, despite suffering from quite a severe disability.

Let's go again.

None more so than this remarkable man, Ali, who fled Syria,

despite suffering from quite a severe disability.

Here he is with his partner, Idris Allah.

Hi.

What can you tell us now about this remarkable story?

Well, Ben...

..I come from a town called Al-Safira,

where I worked as an architect.

Are you kidding?

But when I got to Britain, no-one helped me at all.

I was sent to one employment agency...

..but the guy there was so bad...

Well... ..so bad, like, bottom of the barrel...

Scum. Scum.

..I just thought about killing myself.

Course you did. Ben, this is...

And am I right in thinking that your main passion

isn't actually architecture?

Isn't it?

No.

Ali used to be a champion skateboarder.

That was until the torture and the treatment from Isis

changed his life forever.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And then I think if you just say you can't wait to get on board.

What? I just that'd be quite poignant, you know,

with the skateboarding thing and all this.

I can't wait to get on board.

Great.

Perfect. Let's cut there, then. That's really good.

Oh, she's back.

What else was I supposed to do, Idris?

Give me one more sensible option. Just one.

Well, I don't understand why we had to be lovers.

Why can't we just be friends? No-one would believe that.

Barney, you're somewhere between a hanger-on

and a groupie at best.

Why do you hate gay people?

What? I don't hate gay people.

I love the LGBTQ community.

Oh, yeah? What does the Q stand for?

Er...

Well, I don't know, but I celebrate diversity.

My best friend growing up was gay.

OK. I'm calling it out.

Who? Gary Flowerdew.

What?! That was his name!

Look, he's in my phone.

I helped him through some tough times, growing up.

Back in Wales, he was the only gay in the...

Come on, that's true!

Oh, OK, yeah, sure.

It's loaded.

You guys.

Welcome to The Ali Show.

Hi, I'm Benedict Armstrong Jones,

campaign director here at Refugee Effort.

I've been helping refugees for over three years now and I think

it's fair to say they love me.

I can identify the place value of each digit...

Without my help, they wouldn't be able to read or write,

and I insist on providing traditional meals

to remind them of home.

Not too spicy? Thank you.

Now I'm going to introduce you to someone very special.

Ali from Al-Safira, who fled Syria,

despite suffering from quite a severe disability.

Every kid dreams of being a skateboard champion

and, growing up in Syria, Ali was no different,

but after Isis took over his village and cerebral palsy his body,

Ali could no longer do the thing he so loved,

until I, Benedict Armstrong Jones,

found him starving and hungry at Refugee Effort.

Now, with my help, Ali has turned his life around and he...

Can't wait to get on board.

Yes, I'm Benedict Armstrong Jones.

And if you want to help my fight against injustice, donate £5

by texting Get On Board to 34765.

I mean, I know it's for a good cause,

but it seemed to be just a film about him.

Do you think this will piss off Immigration?

I don't like this.

I don't like it one bit.

I agree with Barney, and that is a horrible feeling.

I think this prick is exploiting you.

Er, Ben? We need to talk.

Hey, guys. Listen, the response has been amazing.

We've already raised £60,000 for the refugee appeal

and the comments have been astonishing,

so many positive things said about me... Us. You.

Now, I've actually been calling you to talk about the next stage

of the campaign.

I have this incredible...

No, actually, I'm going to let that be a surprise.

Did you say 60,000 for the refugees?

No, I'm sorry, but this man is not called Ali.

He's called Tim.

And he's not from Syria.

You're not a refugee?

Well, I am, but I'm from America

and I'm not...I'm not running away from Isis,

I'm running away from my mother.

But it's still oppression.

Why does this shit always happen to me?

And I suppose the whole disabled thing...

Jesus!

Oh, no. That part's true.

I was going to be on fucking Newsnight.

Well, it's not all about you, is it, mate?

You don't care about people, you just care about yourself.

Look at Sir fucking Ponce-alot on his high fucking horse.

I've raised 60 grand for charity. What have you done?

Whatever I do, I do it from pure motives.

What, you and your lying, freeloading boyfriend?

Yeah. No. No, that was a lie as well.

Not that it matters.

You're just exploiting Tim.

Is this liberal trash talk turning you on?

By the time I'm finished with you,

you'll have more than a bleeding heart.

I'll write a letter to The Guardian. OK, shut the fuck up.

Look, Barney, you want loads of money for refugees, right? Yep.

Benedickhead, you want to make up for not getting into film school.

Well, me and Tim, we want more free shit.

So there. We can all win.

Right, what's your next big film surprise?

Next door, I've got a room full of people from Al-Safira.

I wanted to film an emotional reunion.

Look, I'm sorry, but you're going to

have to pretend for a little bit longer.

And if you don't,

I'll tell the police that you defrauded the charity.

THEY GREET HIM

Al Jazeera!

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk

Upon arriving to the melting pot

Officer gets me naturalised

Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant punk...

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