Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

SLURPING

Another tap water?

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah, mate. No, it's a Tinder date.

Ah, well, she's a six out of ten, but a shag's a shag!

HE LAUGHS

I'm going for a piss. I'll call you back.

MUSIC: In Hell I'll Be In Good Company by The Dead South

Actually, sorry, could I get a glass of water?

Sure.

There you go.

In hell I'll be in good company.

VIDEO CALL ALERT

Hi! How's my baby boy doing? Hey, Mom, I'm fine.

Are you still in bed? Kind of.

You know how proud I am

that you're standing on your own two feet in London.

So fucking stand on them, goddamn it!

It's ten o'clock in the morning! Mom, there's a time difference.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's the other way around. It's three o'clock in the afternoon!

Stop being an asshole and get up.

Listen, I want it to work out for you over there.

You don't want to come back.

I mean, you'll just spend your time

sitting out on the porch in a rocking chair.

Every chair's a rocking chair when I sit in it.

Exactly!

And you don't want to grow old and lonely doing that. Oh, Mom.

I don't think you need to worry about me growing old.

You want me to get the casket ready?

SHE LAUGHS

Did you get a job yet?

You know it's hard for me to get a job.

Baby, as the world's leading internet expert on cerebral palsy,

I can tell you categorically

that being a pussy is not a symptom.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, shit, Mom, I've gotta go. My carer's here.

All right.

I love you, Mom. I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.

Hey, Ruth!

This place is a mess.

Have you eaten today?

No, no, no.

Thank fuck for that. Right, when you're making it,

I'll have a cheese sandwich.

Thanks, Tim.

I mean, I have just walked all the way from the Tube.

Oh.

You must be exhausted.

Do you know, I am a bit.

Tim. Eh?

Have you not renewed your visa yet?

Hey, it'll be fine. No, it won't.

Don't you read the papers? We hate immigrants in this country.

I'm American. You love Americans.

We're like you, but with sex appeal.

Look, it says that you've got to get a job.

That bit's double underlined.

I'm an artist.

My life is my job.

Everything I create is art.

Well, your art looks disgusting.

You're just scared to get a job cos you'll be crap at it.

Well, maybe.

Look, it's easy. I've got a job.

HE SCOFFS Barely!

What exactly do you do?

I'm a carer.

I care.

I went on a two-day course.

They gave me a certificate.

Look, just try and stay.

You're one of the least depressing ones that I look after.

And...

And...and you what?

You like me!

You're friends with me!

God, you're so emotionally retarded.

Tim!

You know that we never use that word.

I'm sorry.

You're not emotional.

Thank you.

What's your name, sorry?

Right.

Here's the dealio.

I need a job

or they're going to kick me out of this country

all the way back home.

So back home to...?

America. Can't you tell by my accent?

Ha! Um...

Oh, you thought I was from Cerebral Palsy-onia!

Yes... No!

No, no. God...Oh, God, no. No. I'll be straight with you, Tim.

The only bit of "disability" that I care about is "ability".

Jesus. I think we're all very different, aren't we?

And very different in different ways.

I, for example suffer, from anosmia,

which means I have a very limited sense of smell.

Uh, that's really not a disability.

Thank you, Tim. That means a lot.

Right, let's get cracking. What sort of work are you interested in?

Airforce stunt pilot.

You probably need a bit of experience to be a stunt pilot.

I do have experience!

How do you think I got like this?

IMITATES PLANE ENGINE

IMITATES EXPLOSION

From....

Well, let's try a different tack.

What sort of skills do you have, Tim?

I can dance. You...

Yeah, I can dance.

Are you...? Should you...?

OK...everything OK, or...?

Whoa! If we can...

..sort that...if you'd like to just...

Put that down. Put it down. OK.

"Boy can dance!" Great. Great.

I will. "His moves are fire!"

Just spotted this.

Actually, a greetings card company

are looking for a young, enthusiastic, entry-level applicant

to work in all aspects of their editorial slash art department.

That could be an alternative, if you...

It does also say they're looking for candidates from a diverse

range of backgrounds, so, you know, you get your visa

and I'll have helped make your future your today.

HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

MUSIC: Check Yourself by Ice Cube

So come on and chickity check yourself before you wreck yourself

Check

You better check yo self before you wreck yo self

Cos I'm bad for your health I come real stealth

Dropping bombs on your moms Kill car alarms

Doin' foul crime I'm that brother wit' the Alpine

Sold it for a six-o Always let tricks know

And friends know we got the indo

No, I'm not a sucker

Sitting in a house of pain

And no, I'm not the butler I'll cut ya

Head-butt ya You say you can't touch this

And I wouldn't touch ya Punk you a sucka

Here to let you know boy, oh boy

I make dough But don't call me Dough Boy

This ain't no kinda motion picture

A guy or trick-a My homie get wit'cha

And hit ya Takin' that yack to the neck.

Tim. Um... Hey, I'm Shaun. I'm...

..chief lunatic at Anarchy Hamster.

It didn't actually say on your CV that you're...

..about the...you know, that you've got a different ability to, um...

..work...which is cool, because we're always looking for sort of

a new perspective, new voice, untapped edge at AH HQ,

that's Anarchy Hamster HQ. Jesus.

You've got a degree in illustrative graphics and design.

What do you...what do you make of our products? Oh, OK.

So, uh, did you just do that? Is that your work? Yeah.

The baby's done a massive shit everywhere. Yeah!

It certainly has, hasn't it? That's fresh...

And what's the red?

Yeah, there's blood in the stool, Shaun.

It's not a good time.

It's...

OK. Um...

What else have you done here?

Oh, your mom. I did your mom.

MUSIC: Call Me by Blondie

Tim, Idris here, at Leg Up recruitment.

Look, I don't know what you said at that meeting, but

you've got the bloody job, mate!

I could kiss your face.

Call me back. BEEP

Tim, Idris again.

Not sure if you picked up my earlier message, but

they want you to start tomorrow, so do give me a call back, please.

BEEP Tim, it's Idris again.

I really need you to get back to me about this job, mate.

You start tomorrow at 9am.

So you don't want to blow it, do you?

Think of the visa. Can you give me a call back? Please?

So, actually, I heard your mum was so fat

that she could sell shade in summer!

Have you been looking these up on the internet?

Yeah...yeah.

And if she sat on a dime, it would turn into nickels!

It's an American site.

You can't really change it from 10p's to 5p's.

It's the wrong rhythm.

I'm going to put you here, OK?

This is...this is Anne, she's a deputy lunatic.

She just does most of the new mum cards.

But this is the real boss, Charlie. Charlie boy!

Hi! Welcome to Anarchy Hamster.

"I didn't know I had it in me."

Yeah? So it's a proud mum boast,

and it's also a joke on carrying a child. Loving that.

What about, if on the inside, it just says,

"I thought it was a huge shit,

"and I was right"?

That's just...

I like that. That's... Can we...?

What about if we change "huge shit" for "stomachache"?

Cos Anarchy Hamster, we're kind of about responsible irresponsibility.

Listen, I'm going to have to go,

but I just want to give you your contract for the job.

Sign it when you like!

It's just a...it's an industry gag. Oh.

Um... OK. Um...

Listen, I'm...I'm just going to say this.

Are...do...

Do you have special needs?

You know, like, for the work station. Do you need

an ergonomical, adjustable chair?

Yeah. Leather. Leather. OK.

Salmon leather. Salmon leather?

And a bigger desk.

Bigger than hers. Oh, I see.

And a guide dog. OK. And new shoes.

Oh, shoes! Right.

YOUR shoes. My shoes? But not those shoes.

OK! Anyway, listen, I'm going to let you two riff.

So, um...yeah. Get going.

Come here. Who's a good boy?

Hey, Charlie,

I didn't think we were allowed to eat lunch at our desk!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Morning. How do you know where I live?

It's written on your job application form.

Do you have problems with personal boundaries?

I do, I'm afraid, yes.

It's another of the burdens I carry through life.

Hello. I'm Idris.

No.

You're not an Idris.

So you must be Tim's girlfriend.

Who are you?

What? You don't think I can do better than that?

I wouldn't go out wi' someone THAT short!

Pfft! Be like fucking a garden gnome.

I'm not THAT short!

Where have you gone, Tim?

I didn't see you down there!

Hey! Don't you dare take the piss out of Tim.

Oh, I wouldn't. I wasn't.

Oh, um, could you just pick up that crap there?

This? Yeah.

Could you just put them in the washing basket?

Er...I guess so.

Idris,

just out of curiosity,

why the fuck are you here?

Oh, just in the area, thought I'd drop in. See...

Also, I got a call from Shaun at Anarchy Hamster.

Should you not be at work today?

Yeah. I'll go in later.

I love being a job guy!

Could you just grab that hoover?

Be good not to...

Try not to be too late, though, Tim.

I don't want you to get into trouble.

Honestly, I don't think I can. Yesterday...

Bad kids

All my friends are bad kids

Product of no dad kids

Kids like you and me

Bad kids

Ain't no college grad kids

Living life out on the skids

Kids like you and me

In class We are a minority

Got no Respect for authority...

FIRE ALARM RINGS

..And won't Play well with others

And steal From all your mothers

They'll try To give us pills

Oh, wait Give us all the pills

Go cry Mom, I gotta go to court

Dad won't Pay his child support.

I think I'm on some kind of quota scheme.

Probably means they don't need to hire a transsexual.

Afternoon, everyone!

The morning post is here!

Say, are you Andrew?

Uh, no.

Could you give this to Andrew? Thank you!

Here's your payslip, Philip.

Hey, Trevor.

Here's your payslip!

Philip gets more than you. I knew it!

I know. I'm on your side, sister.

I think it's because he's a man.

Although it could be cos she's shit.

Hey, Anne. Any calls?

No.

VIDEO CALL ALERT Oh, sorry, it's my mom.

Hey, gimpy!

Why haven't you been calling your mom?

Oh, I got a job now, Mom.

No, you fucking didn't!

You never had a job.

Well, you did have that weekly paper route.

It was supposed to be daily, but at the speed you walk...

SHE LAUGHS

I'm an office guy now, Mom.

I'm in the old 9 to 5,

doing the rat race.

You're not pulling any of your usual Tim crap, are you?

No!

Well, yeah, a little.

British people are so nice, it's hard NOT to fuck with them.

You got your shoes on?

Yeah.

Totally. Put someone on the phone.

I gotta make sure you're OK.

Anne. Come on. Come on.

OK. Yeah.

This is Anne. She's my office friend.

Hi, Mrs Renkow. Come in a little closer.

I want to get a good look at you.

Anne, be nice to my boy.

Make sure he wears his shoes,

because no-one wants me to come over there and make an office visit.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

What do we say? I love you, Mom.

I love you too, honey.

What about you, Anne?

I love you, Mrs Renkow?

SHE LAUGHS

Bye, Mom. Oh, boy!

CALL ENDS

Right, so jump in, people, when you're ready.

Remember, in this room there are no wrong answers.

Very simple idea for new mums.

Ugh.

OK, simple slogan. "Hello, baby."

Then on the inside,

"Bye-bye, wallet."

Oh, I like that, Anne. I like it a lot.

But what about,

"Hello, baby.

"Bye-bye, perineum"?

You know, Anne, it's the part

between the baby-maker and the anus.

It just becomes the vag-anus.

GENTLE LAUGHTER

Vag-anus...

Not appropriate. Not...

Look, Anne.

I'm not saying your ideas are shit.

I'm saying novelty cards are bullshit.

What do you suggest we do instead, Tim?

I don't know. Off top of my head...

..get some self-respect?

All of you.

IDRIS: What, and they still didn't sack you?

I think I might be a superhero,

and my superpower is that I cannot be sacked!

Imagine having a job where you can do fuck all and get away wi' it.

Yeah, where are you supposed to be now? Uh...

Looking after old Eileen, on March Road.

Oh, she's got terrible post-operative incontinence.

She needs changing on a regular basis.

Colin... Idris.

Could you be a love and just pop round and see her?

Now? Mm-hm.

Well, I guess I do have experience of caring for the elderly.

Do you still live with your mum?

Yeah.

It's kind of a lifestyle choice, though.

Is it?

RUTH AND TIM LAUGH

Oh, Ruth. What?

You were right.

I WAS scared of getting a job,

but I've conquered my fear,

and I have you to thank.

Are you going to use your powers for evil or good?

Evil. Yes!

THEY LAUGH

Tim, do you want to step into the office for a minute?

No.

Joking...

Just for a second.

All right. I'm coming.

Hey, Shaun. Hey. Annie!

My two favourite people.

OK. Um...

I just... I want to tell you that I like and respect you, Tim, OK?

I think your behaviour, your whole outlook is a breath of fresh air.

I love it. It's like...

You're like a young Bill Hicks, you know?

I just... I love...

But you've gone too far, mate.

Is it for selling your credit card details on the dark web?

No! No, but I got... I got roasted with that one. But...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..breast-feeding is nothing to ever be ashamed of, OK?

No woman should have to apologise

for giving their kid the greatest start in life. OK?

We're going to have to terminate your contract, Tim? What?

Tim, do you deny saying to Anne when she was breast-feeding,

"I didn't think we were allowed to eat lunch at the desk"?

You're firing me for that?

Cos I really thought it was because I took a shit in your desk.

HE OPENS DRAWER

It's fine.

It was a made-up job anyway.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you just hired me so you could say you had one.

No, no, no. No. That's not...

No, no, no... Whatever, mate.

Bye, then!

Well, we've got you one job. We can get you another one.

You shall not be sent back to America! Tim,

why is it whenever I see you now, Russell's here?

It's cos Tim is more than my client.

He's...he's my little project.

Right, Tim? Oh!

And we are officially Team Tim.

The Tim Team.

Which one sounds better? Neither.

The main thing now is we need to get you another job.

What do you really want to do?

I want your job. My...

What? Yeah.

You help people not get jobs.

I can totally help people not get jobs.

I actually work quite hard to get where I am, so...

Tim, you're Idris. Yay!

Idris, you are going to change old Eileen's nappy.

Would you look at that?!

I've been Idris for less than five seconds,

and I've already got you a job!

Very good. Fucking nailed it!

Ha! Pow!

MUSIC: Walcott by Vampire Weekend

Walcott Don't you know that it's insane?

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