Original subtitles

(dramatic organ music)

- [Narrator] Dennis Friedland and Christopher C. Dewey

present Guess What We Learned In School Today,

a Cannon Production made in cooperation

with the Institute for Interpersonal Relations,

produced by David Gil, a film by John G. Avildsen.

- [Radio Announcer] We will have poisonous fluoride

in our waters, like it or not.

Well, let's not kid ourselves,

red countries don't have fluoride in their water.

They know it weakens fertility,

causes cancer and blindness.

Who do you think is behind this movement

to foul the pure waters of the land of the free?

I don't don't have to spell it, Mr. America.

And that's not all.

Fellow Americans,

right this minute somewhere in California,

a woman is standing stark naked before a group.

Is she a strip teaser?

Uh-uh.

My friends, she's an elementary school teacher

and the group are American schoolchildren.

Yes, you heard me,

I'm talking now about the teaching of open pornography

and filth in our public schools.

- Man usually looks to education

to rid himself of ignorance,

yet in sexual matters, this hasn't been the case.

In sexual matters, he prefers fairytales,

like that story about Adam and Eve,

where God takes the rib out of Adam

and makes it into a woman.

Perhaps the lack of sexual honesty results from fear,

but what's fear?

Fear is only the lack of knowledge.

In fact, the more you know about something,

the more you enjoy it.

(grunting)

(breathing heavily)

(dramatic music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- May I buy you a drink?

- Sure.

- What would you like?

- A daiquiri.

- Waitress?

Waiter?

Bring Miss...

- Call me Betty.

- Bring Betty a daiquiri. - A daiquiri, right.

- I noticed you before when I was sitting at the bar.

You're unusual looking.

- Unusual looking?

You must be thinking of somebody else.

- No, you, I remember.

- Interesting.

Look, Betty, I'm a busy man, a man of action,

a man too old to have time for playing games.

- I like tennis.

Do you like tennis?

- Not that kind of a game.

I mean the games between men and women.

I'm from Buffalo.

- I was in Buffalo once.

Do you know that little shop?

- Please.

I'm from Buffalo and I have to fly back tomorrow.

I'd take you to dinner, the theater, buy you flowers,

all the things men do for women they want something from.

Do you understand me?

- Very well.

Excuse me, I've got to meet a friend.

- Please, I said no games, remember?

Here, take this.

That's dinner, the theater, the works.

Take it and let me be with you tonight.

- Look, mister--

- Manley, Roger Manley.

- What do you think I am?

- I think you're a ravishing creature of the night

and I wanna know you.

My decision is made, you make yours.

In any event, keep the money.

I'm going outside now.

I'll wait five minutes,

and then, Buffalo.

- [Lily] And yet, in spite of all this,

he still resists sex education.

- [Radio Announcer] Children were forced to mouth

four-letter words you'd have spanked them for at home.

But now, a hopeful word from great Americans.

(man humming Marine's Hymn)

(man screams)

- Do you have to flush the goddamn toilet

while I'm taking a shower?

- I'm sorry, I forgot.

- Yeah, bet you wouldn't forget

if Robbie were in the shower.

- I wouldn't even be in here if Robbie were in the shower.

How disgusting.

- Sorry, dear.

That was disgusting.

Rita, hon?

Toss me the shampoo, will you?

(suspenseful music)

- But how is it possible that something

as potentially enjoyable as sex could

have gotten us all in such trouble?

Maybe it goes back to the first no-no,

the apple in the garden.

Now that concept was the first to make partners

out of sexuality and guilt

and it's about time we dissolved the partnership.

- I keep feeling like this is just the wrong thing.

- Nonsense.

What's wrong with living a little?

- Nothing, but getting paid for it.

- Don't be silly, baby.

That just cuts through all the red tape

and gets us both where we know we're going anyhow.

Speaking of that...

- [Robbie] Hey Ma, where the no-stink?

- Oh, don't use that stuff, son.

Here try this new cream.

It's got that new anti-persperant

that our boys use in Vietnam.

- Oh, jungle-tested, huh?

- That's right, dear.

- Thanks, Ma.

(light dramatic music)

- Excuse me.

I have to go in the bathroom

to get ready, all right?

- But I wanna watch.

- [Woman] I'm too nervous, all right?

- Yeah, whatever you say, but hurry.

(rooster crowing)

- Morning, prune.

- Morning kid, sleep good?

- Mm-Hmm I dreamt a lot.

(light organ music)

- [Roger] It's funny (indistinguishable muttering)

- [Eve] Roger?

- [Roger] Hmm?

- I think your dedication is really commendable,

but how long does a poor little old gal have to wait, huh?

- Until I get my degree, I told you.

- You're just an old prune.

- An old prune with a lot of work to do.

- Do you really think you're gonna save the world, huh,

all by yourself?

- I don't see anyone else standing in line.

(man hums)

(military drum beat)

(bombs exploding)

- To the battle, sir.

- You're out of uniform, Captain.

- Beg your pardon, sir.

Sir, it's getting hot out.

I think they're zeroing in on us.

- Seems likely.

Hold the mirror up there, boy.

- Really, it's the men, sir.

They're spoiling to get at those jerry gooks.

- Of course they are.

That's why they call them battle spoilers, right boy?

- Yes, sir.

- Hmm, yes, sir.

You really are the spoiler.

- [Rita] Come and get it while it's hot.

- I'd be there now if I could find my damn weight belt.

- Look behind the door.

("Marine's Hymn" instrumental)

- I might have known.

(dreamy music)

- Quit it, you jerk.

- I told you, wait till I get my degree.

- But good grief, you're only a sophomore.

Hey listen, let's compromise.

We'll only do it every other time that I want to, okay?

- You know if I didn't know better,

I'd think you were--

- You do know me better.

Let's do it.

(giggles)

- How am I ever gonna study?

(intense orchestral music)

(relaxed music)

- Ah, here we are.

All ready?

- Yes, but you didn't get ready.

This is embarrassing.

- I kid around.

- Look, I have something to tell you.

- And I have something interesting to tell you.

Are we ready?

- Wow, you really don't play games, do you?

- Of course, life is a game.

- But listen to me a minute, this is important.

- I'm listening.

- I think you're really a nice guy

and I'd like to, but the money.

- I feel a real sense of obligation here, Betty.

I don't know what kind of a home you had but,

well I feel you should have been better.

- Better than what?

I'm an editorial assistant and I got promoted.

- Betty, no games.

- You confuse me, Roger, you really do.

But anyway, what I wanted to tell you.

- What I have to tell you,

since you will play games is,

it's my duty to warn you that anything you say

may be used against you in court.

If action is brought for the crime for

which you are charged, to wit, criminal solicitation

for the purposes of committing prostitution.

I also have to tell ya, thanks to Earl Warn and his bunch,

you have the right to counsel before you make a statement

or that you need not make a statement if you so desire.

Do you have any question about your rights?

- Will you kindly just take your 100 dollars back?

- So, I'll add bribery to your other crimes.

- Well, who do you think you are?

- Who do I think I am?

Ha ha, Detective Lieutenant Roger Manley

at your service, ma'am.

Now, let's get you dressed and out of this flea bag.

- How can I get dressed with these handcuffs on?

- That's your problem.

You started on a life of sin and crime, not I.

- [Eve] Don't forget the School Board meeting tonight.

- [Roger] Nah, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

- [Eve] You gonna be home for dinner?

- Yeah.

Eve, Eve, I don't know if I can stand this beard

for two more weeks.

- Is that when you're gonna bust the hippies?

- Yeah, bust those hippies.

Gonna bust some heads, too.

I'll make em pay for putting this crap on my face.

- Our society makes us feel so guilty about sex

that we can't look ourselves in the mirror,

let alone each other in the nude.

(light organ music)

- Come on, we'll all stick together

and we'll all be warm.

It's a beautiful, sun shiny day.

We're all here together

and that's a wonderful way to start any day.

Okay, is everybody here?

- Mrs. Tomerancz isn't here yet, as you might guess.

- [Lydia] Oh, she'll be along later, I'm sure.

Come on, Al, move in beside us here, come on.

- I don't want to be with you people.

You're all crazy.

- Not as crazy as you were last week

when you took all those sleeping pills.

Now come on, don't make any more people unhappy.

(whisking eggs)

- Hi Ma, Hi Dad.

What's for chow, Mom?

- Your favorite, sweetie, pancakes.

- Uncle Tom's?

- [Rita] That's right.

- Wow, sounds great, Mom.

- Will you stop babying the kid for Pete's sake.

Give him some Spam, (slaps Roger's back) men eat Spam.

- I eat Spam, Dad, I ate Spam yesterday.

- For Christ's sake, the kid loves Spam.

- Mom, where's my quid?

- Oh my God, I forgot it.

Could you eat this quack instead?

Quack is just as full of vitamins and minerals

and all that good energy food.

- All right, if I have to.

- Nevermind, give the kid the Uncle Tom.

What the hell is this quack crap, anyhow?

- It's just cereal, Dad.

Great prices, too.

- And great nourishment for growing bodies.

- Mmm, that tastes great.

- More coffee, Lance?

It's got that fresh perk flavor that you love.

- Mm, freeze-dried, I hope.

- That's nice, that's nice, everyone.

All together now in the warm water.

- It's not so warm.

- You'll get used to it Mrs. Pomeranz.

Water is birth, water is life.

It is the source from which we all have sprung

and now return to it should spurn deep response

from our innermost being.

Feel the ages of evolution course through you--

- Oh God, don't remind me.

I felt old enough this morning

without your laying the ages of evolution on me.

- [Al] I'm worried about the germs.

- [Woman] Oh yeah?

What makes you think you're so bloody clean?

You look like a dirty, old man to me.

- [Al] I bathe in Listerine, that's how I know.

- Gosh, doesn't that sting?

- It did the first two or three years

but you get used to it.

- Robbie, I got you some new vitamins,

be sure you take them.

- Chewable? - Of course,

and with iron, too. - Okay.

- And finish your juice,

it's got Vitamin C. - Okay.

- Will you stop cracking the kid?

You're making a mama's boy out of him.

- I only worry about his health.

- Well, so do I.

- They say at school that arguing at meals

is bad for your digestion, Mom.

So, if you worry about my health, Dad,

perhaps maybe we could stop arguing.

- You're right, (slaps Roger's back) sorry, son.

- Hey Dad, did you hear the one

about the illegitimate cereal?

- No.

- Snap, crackle, and no pop.

(Rita laughs loudly)

- Very good, dear.

(slow military music)

(unzipping zipper)

(sultry music)

- Lance? - Uh-huh?

- Do you mind putting some of this lotion

on my back, please?

- Sure.

- My skin's been so dry, lately.

Just can't do a thing with it.

- What do you think you're doing,

get your filthy hands off me!

- Oh, gee whiz, Rita, golly!

I was just trying--

- I don't wanna hear a word, you scum,

I know perfectly well what you were trying to do.

- But I thought you wanted--

- Watch it, there, Colonel.

You've been abusive enough as it is.

- Abusive?

I only--

- This conversation started 19 years ago and I'm sick of it.

- But you're always cutting me off with the--

- Ha, just think if I defend myself against unnatural--

- There's nothing unnatural.

- Advances made by a-- - That's enough!

- Well, that is not enough.

I know you can hear me

and I've got a thing or two to tell you, buster.

Remember you used to tell me that marriage was a bargain

and all you wanted in bed

was to collect your part of the bargain?

Well, I've got a question for you, Colonel.

When do I collect my part of the bargain?

When do I get some nice things?

When do I get to go someplace

besides that freaking Officer's Club?

- What did you say?

- I said, I'm sick of not having any friends,

of not going to nice places, and doing nice things,

and going to nice restaurants, or having any help.

Your idea of a vacation is going to a cemetery

and saluting old tombstones, for Christ's sake!

What kind of life is that?

- Are you trying to tell me that Marine dead

have died in, in vain?

- The only dead I'm talking about are you and me.

- Oh yeah?

Oh yeah?

You mean that? - Yeah!

More pancakes, Robbie?

- No thanks, Mom, I'm full.

- Eat some more, you eat like a damn bird.

No wonder you didn't make the football team.

- I, I didn't try out, Dad.

- I knew there was some reason.

- He eats what he needs.

I'm glad he's not a glutton like some people I know.

- Well, I've been keeping a few notes, too.

One January, invited Rita to Bloody Mary Brunch

at Carson's, Rita says nix.

15 January, invite Rita to dinner, La Palanaise,

and Rita says nix.

- I can't stand Polish food.

- That's pretty funny for someone born in Chicago.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- 22 January, invited Rita skiing in Lorinchins,

says her back hurts from playing Mahjong.

- So, you take this book out late at night

and read it on the john?

- Sometimes, if you've been-

I mean, if I've been--

- That's pretty sick, you know?

Keeping a notebook on me.

You learn this from your FBI buddies?

- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to tell you.

But I just got so mad about the cemeteries and everything.

- Well, it is a silly way to spend a vacation.

- I know it, I know it.

(sniffing)

But I just like to remember the war,

the girls, the boobs, the guys, we all cut our hair.

(Lance sobbing)

(clarinet slowly playing "Marine's Hymn")

- Oh Robbie, Dad and I are going out tonight

to a School Board committee meeting.

I'm gonna telephone Lydia after to babysit with you, okay?

- Okay, as long as it's Lydia.

- I wouldn't trust anyone else.

- Me neither, Mom.

- [Al] Lydia, Lydia?

- Yes, Al, what is it?

- Would you cry if I drowned?

- Well, probably.

But that's just a habit because I know that the truth

is that you wouldn't die but just have changed for a while

from one form into another.

- Well, I'm gonna try and see if you'll save me.

(light dramatic music)

- Children must learn to integrate sex into their lives

and the fact that so many fail

is largely due to the absence of trained adult guidance.

That's why your parents sent you here to summer.

So, how do we go about untangling the mess?

Now, you children have a good start

because your openness and your curiosity

haven't been replaced yet by fear and guilt.

Now then, how many questions do we have today?

Okay Jimmy, what's that?

- Dr. Whitehorn, there are four kids in my family.

Does that mean that my father

put the seed in my mother only four times?

- No, your mother and father love each other

and they've made love many, many times.

However, making love doesn't always result in pregnancy.

- Dr. Whitehorn, I hear that you can

take a pill and have a baby.

Do you need a father for that?

- You always have to have a father.

However, those pills you're talking about,

there are two of them.

One which encourages pregnancy, which makes it easier

for a woman to conceive a baby.

And the other one, which is called a contraceptive.

Yes, Bobby?

- Dr. Whitehorn, what is a contraceptive?

- A contraceptive can be one of many devices

which prevents pregnancy.

In fact, they're being widely used in the world today

to help curb the population explosion.

- Dr. Whitehorn? - Yes?

- How do people have babies if they're not married?

- As we learned in reproduction class,

babies are conceived through sexual intercourse

and you don't have to be married to have sexual intercourse

and you don't have to be married to have a baby.

But it works out a lot better if you are married.

- [Radio Announcer] Teaching illegitimacy, promiscuity,

free love, abortion, and ultimately,

the destruction of the American family as we know it today.

As if this program of filth weren't enough,

these same left-wing eggheads promote with might and maim

the idea of marriage between the races.

These people say it's alright if the whole world

ends up the color of light coffee.

People want to know what's happening in the country.

Some things have happened lately to such degree

that, put all together, make a threat.

What's going on...

- Good morning, Mr. Douglass.

- Hello, Mrs. B-B-B-B-Battle.

Beautiful d-d-d-d-d-day.

- Certainly is.

- No riots again last ni-ni-ni-night.

- We've certainly been very lucky this year.

- That's because we stopped ba-ba-ba-ba-babying them.

There was a little fistfight down

inside the b-b-b-bar last night

but that was just some of the fellas from the

fi-fi-fi-firehouse.

- Oh, that's a totally different thing.

- Totally, they all get the ha-ha-haircut.

Here's your mail.

- Oh, thanks.

Give me Mrs. Manley's, I'll take it up to her.

- Sure thing.

You have a nice day.

- You, too.

- [Radio Announcer] In another district in California,

the Superintendent of Schools, not a teacher but the boss,

is on record as defending both the teaching and the doing

of unnatural acts.

(rooster crowing)

It is the third day of 97 degrees

and police patrol were doubled in the inner city.

- I'm here!

- [Radio Announcer] Meanwhile, Three River residents

continue to enjoy generally mild weather

with temperatures in low to mid 80's and sunny skies.

Looks like the smart thing to do is to leave the slums

and move to the suburbs.

DHI is 79, no rain in sight.

This is David Wilson with the news, good morning.

- Look at that ffffilth.

What kind of a girl would pose for th-th-that?

- We all know who first put the filth in sex.

But for too many Americans, it's the best part.

- [Radio Announcer] Now we can be alone.

And (growling) you look gorgeous this morning, you know that

and I'll tell you the truth--

- Hello, Lydia dear?

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

- [Radio Announcer] Secretary soon get out of here

and go to work and leave me along--

- Oh, that sounds just fascinating, dear.

You must tell me all about it, sometime.

We're very glad that you're back from California, finally.

I hope you're gonna stay this time.

- [Radio Announcer] What sweet does,

what experience does for a woman...

- Well, it's been hell while you've been gone,

I want you to know.

We just couldn't find anybody that worked with Robbie.

Well, you were his first babysitter

and it just has to be you.

- [Radio Announcer] You know how sexy and glamorous

you really are and--

- So, are you free tonight?

Oh good, well the Colonel will pick you up about 6:45

on his way back from the train.

You could have supper with us, okay?

See you then, bye.

Hi. - Hi.

- Here's your mail. - Oh, thanks.

- So, are you finally getting everything unpacked and all?

- Yeah, I really worked hard yesterday.

Got it all done except the living room.

- I don't think I could ever move again.

The thought of packing up his junk?

I think I'd rather give it all to Goodwill.

- Oh, we haven't been married long enough

to have that much junk.

- [Radio Announcer] I think this will cheer you up.

(strikes match)

(upbeat jazz music)

(inhaling deeply)

- Especially not on a policeman's salary.

- Thanks.

(light dramatic music)

- [Roger] Tuesday the 23rd, 2:17 p.m.

Arrived at Pak Chung Restaurant and Bar,

suspected hangout for foreign espionage gang.

Center of dope distribution and prostitution.

Seeking clear evidence of a known connection

between the worldwide communist conspiracy

and the perversion of American morals.

Today's job: stamp out Chinese communist infiltration

into American vice racket.

- Oh, I hope this is the book that Robbie sent for.

- [Eve] What's that?

- Well, he's making a momstadanki-modular digital system

with an analog digital designer.

- That's nice.

He's a smart kid, your Robbie.

- He's a lovely child. - Child?

(items crashing on floor)

- Mr. Battle?

Oh, this is Lily Whitehorn from the institute.

Oh, you've heard of me?

I hope it was all good.

Well, I try.

Yes, well we're bidding for the contract

to teach sex education in the Three Rivers school system.

- It does sound like you've got the proper qualifications.

I'm personally satisfied about that

but what I'm concerned about is, well frankly,

I've heard some strange things

about what goes on at your institute there.

- Strange things?

What sort of strange things?

- Uh, well we hear there are groups of people

engaged in rather bizarre activities.

It sounds sometimes like it might be

a little on the questionable side.

- You mean nude encounter groups.

- (clears throat) That's about what I mean.

- [Lily] And you think that's some kind of lingo

for an orgy or something?

- [Lance] Oh, I didn't mean to uh--

- Yes, you did. - I did not.

- Now, all we're trying to do

is to get people to understand themselves

and you'd be amazed at some of the things we find

when we finally get them to take off their clothes.

- I've still got questions in my mind.

After all, I do have a very serious obligation

to the community.

- I think you'll find all those answers tonight.

- Oh, I certainly hope so, Dr., Dr. Whitehorn.

- Why don't you just call me Lily?

- Yes, Lily, certainly, well then

(clears throat)

who knoweth what tomorrow bringeth?

All right? - All right then, bye bye.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Um, what did you say this stuff was?

- Amstedmink, system analgesic, is that what I said?

Why, what's the matter?

- Oh, I don't know, what do you think?

(gasps)

- Oh, oh my God.

Oh my God.

Who would do such a thing?

- Maybe the youngen.

- Oh never, not my baby.

- Oh, come off it.

Looks like the kid is healthier than I thought.

- His father and I tried so hard

to shield him from filthy things.

- Did you ever bother telling him

what you were shielding him from?

- How could we do that and still shield him?

I mean, if we told him about this, he'd know.

- Oh, then he doesn't realize that that's a no-no.

- Oh, well that's true.

That's true, he did it in all innocence.

- Didn't you tell the kid anything?

- Oh of course, his father told him

everything he should know on his 17th birthday.

- [Lance] Any bites, son?

- No not yet, Dad.

- I knew a marine aviator once who spent 47 days on a raft

in the blazing heat of the South Pacific.

- Wow, did he get shot down by the Japs?

- [Lance] Well, he sure as hell

didn't float out there from Atlantic City.

- Sorry, Dad.

- He was a real man, son.

One of the great unsung heroes

this country should never forget.

- What was his name?

- Umm, umm, oh.

(fishing reel clicking)

- [Robbie] How did he survive?

- Who?

Oh, you mean uh, um.

- Yeah, um.

Did he fish or what?

- Well son, marines always plan ahead.

There's always a two week supply of food

aboard every raft.

- Well, what did he do for the other 33 days?

- 33 days?

I don't know, see here son, um.

Your mother, um, your mother and I, that is,

have decided that it is time for you

to learn about the filthy side of life.

- Filthy side, like poverty and disease, right?

- Good heavens no, nothing like that.

Ah, I think I got one!

What a monster, ha ha, hoho!

- So you see, Robbie learned everything that he should know

for a boy his age the way he should learn it,

from his father.

- Don't panic, boy!

Don't panic, get the big hooks that you may want,

we're going down, son!

- I don't have em anywhere, sir.

- Boy, I can't swim!

Kiss your mother for me, tell her I went down

with her name on my lips.

(water bubbling)

- Dad, Dad, listen Dad, I think you can stand up!

- [Lydia] Look, this is none of my business

but I think I know something about the subject.

- What subject?

- Sex. - So do I.

- I think you and Lance have made a terrible mistake.

(laundry machine running)

I mean, the kid is 17 years old

and you've got a babysitter for him?

- What if the house caught on fire?

- I'm talking about your whole attitude.

Look at pretty Robbie, see his bouncing curls, good grief.

He's a young stud.

- Oh, I don't wanna hear that.

- If you want him to keep his mind off these dirty books,

you've gotta give him an outlet.

I mean, your son is at the height of his sexual prowess

and you're asking him to have more control

than most adults have.

- How do you know all this?

- Well, it's in the Kinsey Report, for one thing.

- You read that?

- Let's just say I did a little research on my own

and I completely agree with Kinsey.

- Do you mean you've been with other men?

- Hasn't everyone?

- No.

- Well, I have.

Other men, a few boys here and there,

and believe me, it does a boy no harm to learn about things

from someone who knows about things.

You know what I mean?

- Like you.

- I'm getting all nuts.

- What if he learned from someone of bad breeding?

- Maybe I'm of bad breeding.

Look, in my opinion, the boy needs to get laid, period.

He's going to find a way with or without your help.

- Do you think that,

well I mean, could you help?

- What do you mean help?

- What I said.

- Help?

- Well, you did say that you knew teenage boys.

- Oh, more than I can remember.

- More than you, how many?

- Oh well, I think I was 14 years old

and 52 weeks in a year, well,

it makes a little less than a thousand but more than 600.

- Nights?

- No, teenage boys.

(giggles)

- Well, isn't that nymphomania?

- Good grief, nymphos are very sad.

They keep trying to make it but they can't drop their rocks.

They're sick.

Me, I just like it.

- You might help? (inhaling deeply)

- It's negotiable.

- Oh, what would Lance think?

He's such a puritan.

- Look, you won't say anything about this.

- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Get me all excited, oh, but don't tell anybody Lulu.

We don't want anybody else to know that dumbo, Mr. Battle,

can't even get it up.

- That's enough, I said I was sorry.

I don't have to get chewed out about it.

You remind me of a girl I knew back in Australia

during the big war.

- I'm not Australian, I'm French.

- Sorry, no offense.

- It's okay.

- Look, uh, maybe we could discuss a little raise, Lulu.

- 50 bucks a week.

- Isn't that a little too conspicuous?

- 40 clams or I tell the typing pool.

- Good grief, what a morning.

- Will you help?

- Let's wait and see what tomorrow may bring, okay?

- Okay.

- Hey, what do you suppose we have here?

- [Rita] I'd hate to think.

- Come on, let's look.

Hey, listen to this, it's the story of my life.

"Desperate with passion, Eve touched the husky halfback to

"a throbbing bazoom, 'how many men did this make tonight?'

"she wondered in the back of her drugged deadened brain."

(giggles)

"10, 12, how many guys were there

"on a football team anyway?"

(both laughing loudly)

- Very good, listen to this one, I love the title.

Uptown Tomcats by M.T. Pussy.

(giggles)

"Betty purred in the back of her throat as she stared

"into the eyes of the frightened young girl in her arms.

"Her hands moved slowly down across the warm expanse

"of silken lace, it was all so unfamiliar

being with a girl."

- Wow, they'll say anything in these crazy books.

- Yeah, hey, this is really great grass.

You feel anything yet?

- Do I feel it?

Oh, I'm way, way, away.

(both giggling)

Let's read some more.

"Betty's slender hand found the zipper on Alice's skirt

"desperate, breath held expectantly, she slipped it down."

(dramatic music)

(sultry music)

- Hiya, big boy.

Are ya out lookin for a good time?

Or are ya just sorta catching the night air?

- It's daytime.

- Well, it was just an expression.

- Expressions are a dime a dozen, how much are you?

- Oh, I'm just a college girl

trying to get my tuition together.

You know how much it costs to matriculate these days?

- How much and where?

- Oh, well that depends.

You want a quick date or a slow boat?

- A good cruise.

- Mm, well, you know you can

go around the world for 30 dollars.

- It's only 15 in Buffalo.

- I ain't a buffalo.

Okay, well since you're so cute,

make it 20 and you get the room, alright?

- You uh...

- Oh, I see.

Well, anything you want, Admiral.

- Where?

- Camel Hotel round the corner, Room Five, 10 minutes?

- Make it three minutes.

- Mm, alright, Tiger.

(dreamy music)

- Ain't a buffalo?

(laundry machine running)

- Eek, I don't wanna miss the rinse cycle.

I have to put the softener in.

Do you put the softener in before or after the rinse?

- Before, I think.

- Well, I don't wanna take any chances.

I'm just gonna have to start all over again.

I only have half a load

and I'm sure my new enzyme bleach

can get out those nasty coffee stains.

Here, let me help you.

How do you get out of this thing?

- In front.

My God, they put something in the grass.

- Yeah.

(sultry music)

- [Tramp] Hello, sugar.

Been waiting long?

- No, I just got here.

And don't call me sugar.

- Oh my, touchy.

- Look, you don't seem like the kind of girl that--

- Oh God, not that old line.

Gee, what's a nice girl like you

doing in a place like this right?

- Yeah.

- This.

- Hey, no-no, now wait a minute, I gotta--

- I can't wait, you're too sexy.

- No, I mean, you don't understand, I, you don't,

it's, it's not, I, uh...

(groans excitedly)

(moaning)

- Well, how was that, sugar?

- Well, I gotta tell ya, I gotta admit,

that's the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to me in my life.

- [Tramp] Gee, thanks.

Well, I try to be good when I'm bad.

- Good?

Darn, there aren't words.

- [Tramp] You don't need any.

- Well, you see, it makes it tough.

- Makes what tough?

Oh, you mean you want some more?

- No, no, no, not that.

It makes my job a little tougher.

- [Tramp] What?

- Well, you see I, I gotta tell you something.

- [Tramp] What's that, baby doll?

- Well, (clears throat) it is my duty

to tell you that you are under arrest for...

(intensely dramatic music)

(water splashes)

(children shouting)

? Guess what we learned in school today

? A lot of things we thought we understood

? Things about, oh nevermind

? You would never understand

? Not even if I told you if I could

? My teacher she was very nice

? We knew that she really cared

? Then some of us got silly

? Some of us got scared

? One little boy I hardly knew, he held my hand

? His face got very red

? He asked her all about the things that grownups did in bed

? They sleep there, they love there,

? They hold each other and

? I knew he wouldn't understand

- About a week ago, I was walking around

in town and I saw this nutty looking guy

with this queer crew cut and you know, he was all drunk, and

walking lopsided and stuff. - Yeah?

- And he kept talking to his fellow drunks,

just talking about something about cunt

and I didn't get what he meant.

- A cunt? - Yes.

- It isn't cunt, it's cut, stupid.

- Well, actually it's about the same thing.

All that it simply is, a slang expression

for a woman's genital organs.

It's nothing more, nothing less.

And the other word you were asking about this morning?

- Fuck? - Yeah.

Do you know what that means?

- Well...

It means that the farmers sow seeds.

- Well, that's the original meaning of the word fuck.

It's a real English word and it was used

back in the days of Chaucer, and that's right.

It meant a farmer added seed to the soil for things to grow

but now, in this day and age, it's just a slang expression

and what was it you were telling me?

You had it written all over your walls in your bedroom?

- Yeah, when we first learned it, we were young

and we didn't know much.

I mean, we didn't care a thing.

So, we got our magic markers

and started writing like, "Fuck our teacher,"

"Fuck the school," all that and we told our friends about it

and they all started with, "Oh, that's cool."

And you know, all of this started,

whenever we did something we didn't like, "Oh, fuck it"

or something like that.

- Now you've got it all over your dresser and your walls?

- Well, most of it's gone by now.

Eventually, you always say, "Aww, it's a bore."

Then you get the Ajax cleanser and wash it all off.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Bout the way it goes.

- Actually, anything in here after a while,

you do it enough, it's nothing, right?

- Yeah. - Hasn't any power to hurt you

or do anything except like, be a bore.

(crashing)

- [Lydia] Hi, Mr. Battle.

- Oh, hi, hi, hi.

- [Lydia] Hey, can I drive?

- [Lance] Certainly, Lydia my dear, how have you been?

- [Lydia] Just fine, I really feel great

since I've joined the institute.

I don't take drugs anymore.

I just trip with reality.

- [Lance] Drugs?

I didn't hear about any--

- Oh, that was when I was out in California

and down in the village, you know.

- Frankly my dear, all I know

is that we couldn't get a babysitter since you've been away

so that's why we've been virtually no place

for the last four years.

Welcome back.

What do you do at that institute?

- Oh wow, a bit of everything.

Real head sessions, you know?

The whole group's getting to be an action scene.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, the idea is that none of us communicate.

None of us even really know ourselves

so we get together and relate.

No-holds barred.

Touching games, blind games, role-playing,

like I play you and you play me.

And we understand more about the other person.

- That sounds sort of interesting.

- You ought to try it.

My real bag is water therapy.

- Ha, that I know about.

Had this back injury during the big war.

Spent three months in this damn tub

with the water swirling around,

developed a very bad case of fungus.

- No, I mean therapy of the mind.

- You lost me again.

- Well, water is where life begins

and we were all in the water for the first nine months,

so now you get back in the water naked, like you were born.

- Naked?

- Of course, how else would you do it?

You weren't born in a bathing suit, were you?

- Uh, isn't that a rather personal question?

- Oh, Mr. Battle...

(light dramatic music)

- Hi, prune, have a good day?

- Tough, tough, tough day.

Oh, thank God.

(animal noises)

- [Eve] Hungry, I bet.

- You bet, I'm hungry.

Haven't had a bite all day.

God, have mercy, dirty kids with their filthy beards.

- [Eve] Oh, I almost forgot.

You know that School Board committee meeting

that Lance Battle told you about?

- Lance Battle, good man.

- [Eve] Well, you got a letter today from a Lily Whitehorn.

- Lily Whitehorn, hmm, read it to me, quick.

- [Eve] "Dear Lieutenant Manley, welcome to Three Rivers.

"I've heard of your work as a youth counselor in New York

"through the articles you wrote

"for the Delinquency Journal a few years ago

"and look forward to meeting you.

"Currently, we are engaged in a community-wide discussion

"about educational policies--

- Educational policy, bull, it's pornography.

- "About educational policy and I know

"that your informal advice would be valuable to us all

"based as it is on your many years of experience."

- I'll give her my many years of experience.

- "Would you therefore please attend a small meeting tonight

"at the Unitarian Church," and it's signed,

"Cordially Yours, Dr. Lily Whitehorn."

- Dr. Lily Whitehorn.

That broad is a charter member of the Liberal Party

and once led a student strike at City College

and now, she's trying to corrupt our schools.

Well, I got the goods on her, sweetie.

I got the goods on her.

- Oh yeah, how?

- Because now, I can prove once and for all

that sex is an insidious commie plot

and here's an obvious commie teaching filth to our kids.

Well, two and two still makes four, sweetie.

Two and two still makes--

- How can you be so sure you're right?

- [Roger] Cause I'm right and right is right, right?

Right.

- Ever since you stopped counseling

and joined the vice squad, I don't know.

- That's exactly why I joined the vice squad,

my innocent suburban plum.

I spend my working hours cleaning up the moral cesspools

of that corrupt city and I can tell you

that the majority of vice is committed

by left-wing liberals and that's a fact.

And facts are facts.

And I deal in facts.

(dramatic organ music)

- And finally, let me introduce

a new member to our community.

He's one of the foremost authorities in this area,

on youth counseling, and is now a member

of the New York City Police Force, Lieutenant Roger Manley.

(group applauding)

I did enjoy your M.A. thesis,

Compassion and Law Enforcement, Lieutenant, remarkable work.

Truly remarkable, ah, here's my gavelon.

Good evening, Mike.

- [Mike] Good evening, Mrs. O'Reilly.

- [Mrs. O'Reilly] Mike is the President

of the Student Council.

He seemed the obvious representative.

- You mean, they invited a kid in to hear this?

- See, what'd I tell ya?

- God, you're right.

- Now then, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present

Dr. Lily Whitehorn, Chief Therapist

at The Institute for Interpersonal Relations,

who would head the sex education courses being offered

in our school system.

(audience applauding)

- Um, I don't get it.

Now, this institute, you're going to teach sex education

in the schools here?

- That's the subject of this evening's discussion.

- But, why a therapist?

I mean, are the kids sick or something?

(giggles)

- Oh hey, Mike, could you answer that?

- Certainly, Dr. Whitehorn.

We need a therapist to teach us because

by the time our parents get through with us,

we're so hopelessly warped we need a shrink, right?

- That's about it.

The fact is, our society is split right down the middle

between what we say and we do about sex

and what we actually do do about sex

and I want to teach the children that sex

is something we are and not just something we do.

(elegant piano music)

- Hey Robbie, didn't you get any new books

since I was here last?

- [Robbie] I ordered the titles you gave me

a few weeks ago but they haven't come in yet.

- No pictures, either?

- [Robbie] No.

- Well, I guess we'll just have to make do

with what we have.

Do you remember Unfaithful Tramp?

- I don't think so, who wrote it?

- Rodney Cox, ring a bell?

- Must have been a long time ago.

- Okay, we'll read this for beddy-bye.

Shall I read the introduction by the well-known authority?

- [Robbie] Who wrote this one?

- Dr. Herman Blub, ASCME.

- What does ASCME stand for?

- Well, let's see.

American Society, C-M-E, cute male erections?

- Forget the introduction, just read the book.

- [Lydia] You're tense tonight, aren't you?

- I guess so.

Wouldn't you be if you were in my place?

- [Lydia] I guess so.

Must have been terrible to see your father cry like that.

- Well, it happens all the time,

every time he gets out of line with Moms.

- Whoops, time for you to get out of the tub.

Wouldn't want you to shrink.

- [Robbie] Okay.

- My, you really are getting to be a big boy, aren't you?

- [Lance] Why do we have to say anything at all

about sex in the schools?

I mean, kids learn, you know.

- Well, somebody has to.

What have you told your children?

- Do you really think that children care that much?

- Yes, I really think the children care that much.

- [Roger] Dr. Whitehorn?

- Yes?

- Are you now or have you ever been

a member of the Communist Party?

- [Lily] No.

- Answer the question.

- Okay, let's see what kind of job you did on your teeth.

- Ahh.

- Looks good.

- Would you say my mouth had sex appeal?

- Come on, into bed.

- Oh come on, Lydia, that's not the way it happens on TV.

- Now then let's see, where were we?

Unfaithful Tramp by Rodney Cox, Chapter One.

"I had just checked into the cheap motel on the edge of town

"when I realized it was not an ordinary kind of place.

"The woman behind the desk, a tall, zoftic,

"Scandinavian type had give me a very warm, 'Hello'

"when I signed in, lots warmer than a stranger

"had a right to expect."

- Well I think it's a very serious question

because now, you can get these filthy books

on every newsstand.

I had a knockdown drag out with Jack at the drugstore.

Had to threaten him with getting his lease pulled.

- Mr. Battle, do you mean that you actually forced

Mr. Ebberman to remove merchandise from his store

because you objected to it?

- I sure did.

- But what if i objected to his selling cigarettes

or those soap ads that display a nude woman.

- Soap ads aren't designed

to corrupt the minds of the young.

- Nor is the detergent designed

to kill the fish in our rivers.

- What has that got to do with anything?

(Lance snorting)

- "I nearly died watching that tall blonde goddess undress

"in the moonlight streaming in the window.

"The moon gleamed off the snowy mountains behind her

"and I knew they were part of the same kind of nature.

"She walked slowly towards me,

"her pendulous breasts swaying softly with emotion."

- Pendulous?

- Pining.

- "I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

"The motion of her hips was like a tidal wave

"and I ached to be engulfed.

"I put my hand out to her.

"There was electricity in the winter air

"and a white spark stung my fingers I closed on her.

"She gave a small grunt of shock as the spark hit her, too."

- How could you stand there

and say a word like that in front of a child?

- Masturbation?

Because he knew.

And fucked, everyone in this room has experienced it.

- That can't be true.

- Look, Mrs. Battle, I didn't invent it

but from all we can tell,

between 90 and 100% of the population have experienced it.

Anyway, masturbation's got a lot going for it.

It's quick, cheap, easy, always available,

and within easy grasp of the working class.

And nobody can prove that it does any harm.

Of course, unless you believe that old story about warts.

- Nonsense, it causes mental retardation and deformity.

- I would say the guilt

is the worst consequence of masturbation.

Wouldn't you, Mike?

- Well, really we're not as hung up as you people are.

So, guilt probably bothers some guys but not many.

Actually, what we're most concerned about is the warts.

(group laughing)

- [Roger] How long have you been

in the pornography racket, Whitehorn?

- Oh, poor Lieutenant, why have you rejected the children?

- Rejected?

I'm saving them.

From subversion, from corruption

of the mind and the flesh ,huh, and the warts.

I devoted my life to America and the young people in it.

You propose to indoctrinate em with dirt.

Why, instead of that scum you propose,

we ought to organize a police athletic league

here in Three Rivers.

(audience applauds lightly)

- Better still, how about a Little League Marine Core.

(audience laughing)

- Dr. Whitehorn, I wrote something down from the book

I was reading before I came here and this writer said,

"The older generation have an almost obscene obsession

"with the sexuality of the young

"prompted by envious rancor

"and a bullying intention to interfere."

- That child is talking utter nonsense.

- I'm 18 years old, I'm registered for the draft,

and that makes me not a child.

- I think it would be appropriate

if we give Dr. Whitehorn a chance

to make her presentation without interruption.

- [Eve] Very good.

- Must you?

And isn't that skirt a little short?

- Aren't you?

- "We were at the top and blood was pounding in my ears

"like a bongo drum as our bodies melted together

"like hot lead, heavy and deadly."

That's okay dear, don't be afraid.

"Suddenly"--

- I'm not afraid, Lydia, I want you.

(Lydia giggles)

- [Lydia] Look honey, you have me.

I'll take care of you like always.

- That's not enough.

- Well, I never thought you'd be ungrateful.

- Well, I'm not, really.

- Are you still a virgin, Robbie?

- Well, yes darn it.

- Well then, you see why I can't come here

and take your parent's money and go to bed with you.

It wouldn't be right.

- What about, you know.

- Masturbation is a healthy adolescent release.

It's part of your therapy.

Besides, your parents are paying me to look after you.

It wouldn't be professional.

- Then go out with me tomorrow.

You'll be on your own time then.

- [Lydia] Robbie, I'm still five years older than you.

- You just think I'm an adolescent.

- No, I don't.

Well now, I've done all I can to help liberate you

and teach you things your folks never talk about.

I've turned you on to good books.

- Are you sure they're good for me?

I mean, I get so excited.

- [Lydia] Poor baby, I know you do.

That's part of it.

I'd hoped you go out and find someone your own age

and fall in love but you're too much like your father.

- That's a terrible thing to say.

- [Lydia] Your father's a fine man, he's just all uptight.

Then there's your mother but you see where they're at.

- Well, sure I do but that's just what I'm talking about.

- [Lydia] That's what I'm talking about, too.

Just relax, put yourself in my hands

and everything will come out alright.

Now let's see, where were we?

"Hot lead, heavy and deadly.

"Suddenly, I realized the pounding was outside my body, too.

"Fists on the door and the old man shouting,

"'Hilda, Hilda, I know you're in there.

"'Come out, come out, you bitch.'

"I was paralyzed with fright (Robbie breathing heavily)

"for I knew he wouldn't hesitate to use the old shotgun.

"but now for the first time, I felt a really warm glow

"come over Hilda (Robbie breathing heavier)

"as she grabbed me closer, a provocative roll

"coming from her majestic hips.

"This crazy broad was excited by the danger

"and as she knew, so by God, was I."

- To sum up, first, adults must finally accept the fact

that children and teenagers

are sexual beings with sexual needs.

You can't suppress their sexual needs

any more than you can your own.

But we can indicate to young people

the possibilities for fulfillment

that human sexuality offers.

Second, sex education is education,

not moral indoctrination.

We can now look more intelligently on the topics

of masturbation, homosexuality, mouth-genital contacts,

and other expressions that are still illegal

but wildly, I beg your pardon, widely practiced.

We must realize that sex education

is a long cyclo-dynamic process that starts

with our earliest days in life and which never ends.

Thank you, are there any questions?

- I don't get you.

Do you mean to say you're not gonna teach morality

to the kids and it's all gonna come out all right?

- Who said anything about not teaching morality?

- But you propose to teach immorality.

- Lieutenant, if you think we're teaching immorality,

then you haven't been listening.

- On the contrary, I have been and I can tell you one thing,

if this course goes through

and you propose to teach these kids all about

how to be masturbators and how to be queers,

I, for one, will have you arrested

for contributing to the delinquency of minors,

for advocating and inciting to unlawful acts,

for outraging public decency.

Is there a telephone in here?

- In the back by the office.

- Well, I guess that concludes

our question and answer session.

Thank you all very much for coming.

Mr. Battle, with your permission,

I shall prepare the first draft on the report.

- Wonderful, wonderful.

Let's sure enough have another meeting.

Loved this meeting.

- Lance, it's time to go home.

- Aw gee whiz, Rita, you always wanna leave

when a party's getting good, that's terrible.

- Come on Lance, little buddy,

don't you have a reserve meeting in the morning?

- Damn right, never missed a parade in my life.

Be out there first thing, crack of dawn, yessiree.

- Thank you very much.

It's been a most interesting evening.

I learned a lot, I really did.

- My pleasure.

- Good bye. - Good bye.

- [Mike] Lance, you sure could save us a lot of trouble--

- [Lance] You sure could get in some trouble.

(Lance slurring gibberish in the distance)

- Well Eloise, do you think we've got problems?

- Oh, not as many problems as the Lieutenant has.

(dramatic organ music)

- [Lance] I know those damned garbage cans

weren't there before.

- [Rita] They've always been right there.

The last time you complained

they didn't pick up the garbage for three weeks, remember?

- [Lance] Hmm, that's right.

- Hello, Lydia. - Shows you what unions do.

- Unions?

Everything all right, dear?

- [Lance] Hello there, Lydia, good evening.

What, what's wrong?

Is she sick or something?

- No, I think she's meditating, dear.

- Like hell she is, she's on drugs!

- On drugs?

- She told me on the way over here,

she took them in California but said she stopped.

- Oh, I hear they never stop.

My God, I left my baby with a drug fiend.

- [Lydia] Oh hi, I didn't hear you come in.

I was meditating for a bit.

- [Lance] Sure looks like you're on something to me.

- [Lydia] On something?

- Oh, Mr. Battle said that you had mentioned drugs earlier.

- [Lydia] Oh gosh no, why I'm so off drugs,

I don't even drink.

- What does that mean?

- [Lydia] Alcohol is a drug.

- It's not a drug, it's booze.

- [Lydia] Ask a doctor.

- [Eve] Hi.

- [Rita] Oh, hi.

Oh, this is our babysitter, Lydia Oriole.

Lydia, this is Mrs. Manley.

- Hi. - Hi, nice to meet you.

- [Eve] Oh Rita, Roger can't make it tonight.

The office called and he has to work.

- [Rita] Oh, what a pity.

I wonder if he could take Lydia home on the way to New York?

- [Eve] Oh sure, he'd be happy to.

- Thanks.

- There are good drugs and there are bad drugs, right?

Maybe alcohol's like a Neil Myerson or something,

like a sofa drug.

Who ever said alcohol was a drug, anyway?

- [Rita] Come on, Colonel, time for bed.

- [Lydia] So, you're a policeman?

- That's right.

- I never talked to a policeman before.

- Well, most people would rather not.

- Oh, there's just never an opportunity.

I mean, I've never been arrested.

- [Roger] Well, I hope not.

- Oh, friends of mine have.

- For what, drugs?

- Now, are you sure he's asleep?

- Absolutely.

- What about Robbie?

- Well, he ought to be, why?

- Oh.

(Eve giggles)

You wicked woman.

Why does it seem more sinful in my own house?

- Cause you're all hung up on being Mommy.

Want a joint, Mommy?

(both laughing)

- Oh, I shouldn't.

This morning was too much.

- Yeah, I thought about it a couple times, too, tonight.

- You did?

(both giggling)

- So did I.

Well go on, light it.

(strikes match)

I'm glad this isn't habit-forming.

- [Lydia] You just don't look like a policeman.

- That's a very important part of my job.

- Do you carry a gun?

- Yeah, I carry a gun, here.

- Oh, I couldn't touch a thing like that.

(loud screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(loud screaming)

- Okay, that's far enough you two hoods.

(Lydia whimpering)

- Oh thank God you came, they were going--

- I know, my dear, it's all right now.

- There's something hard in your pants, what is it?

- [Roger] It's only this, it's for your protection.

- Wow, it's so big.

- It's loaded, too.

- [Lydia] So, what kind of counseling do you do?

- What?

Counseling, who told you that?

- Dr. Whitehorn, she said you were

the best they had in New York.

- I wish you hadn't reminded me

of that Whitehorn, she's rotten.

- [Lydia] Rotten?

She's a saint.

- I don't care about her Ph.D.'s.

All I'm worried about is the example set for our children.

- Mmm, the example you want is someone like yourself, right?

Mommy stoned on pot with the next door neighbor.

(both chuckling)

- Well...

- Maybe Daddy?

Daddy drunk out of his mind upstairs.

The Daddy who hasn't been able to make it with Mommy

in the past 10 years.

- You play rough.

- Rough?

Straight.

- What do you mean?

Eek, what do I mean?

Let it all hang out.

- That sounds disgusting.

- Yeah it does, doesn't it?

But it means something good.

You don't like Dr. Whitehorn, do you?

I think she knows the facts.

Besides, she can't screw it up any more than the parents.

- You mean me?

- Oh, I don't just mean you and Robbie.

I mean, it starts the first time Mommy slaps his hands

when he tries to play with his pee-pee.

- You mean that, oh my God.

You mean that what that Whitehorn woman was talking about

and my Robbie and those books connected?

- Eureka, a ray of light has struck thy head.

- Well, well, we've got to teach people.

- Right.

- Starting with Robbie.

- That's the spirit. - Come on.

- Where?

- Upstairs, Robbie's upstairs.

- Now?

- Now.

- This is alright, I can walk home from here.

I know you're looking to get to your duty.

- I certainly am.

- Thanks for driving me home.

I wish you'd stop by the institute sometime

and see what it's really like.

- I think I'll do that.

- Fine, see you then, bye.

- [Roger] Good night, miss.

(light sultry music)

- God, I'm scared.

- [Eve] What are you scared about?

I have to go in there.

- [Rita] I know but my baby.

- [Eve] Shh.

- [Robbie] Who's that?

- It's me, Eve.

- Lydia?

- Lydia?

I said Eve.

Did you make it with Lydia?

- Oh wow, I was so asleep

I thought I was making it with Lydia.

- You didn't, did you?

- No, not yet.

Who's this?

- Eve, I said.

- Oh, Mrs. Manley!

- Shh!

- Oh I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.

- It's perfectly alright, you couldn't have known.

But for God's sake, call me Eve.

- Oh sure, Eve.

Hi. - Hi.

- You don't have any clothes on.

- That's right.

- Oh.

Are you going-- - That's right.

- Oh, I don't know how.

- Don't worry about it, we'll work it out.

(slow violin music)

- Hello Mommy, you've come at last,

I thought you never would.

- I waited such a long, long time.

- Well, can I have you now instead of Daddy?

- May I have you.

- May I have you now instead of Daddy?

- We'll talk about that tomorrow, take me.

(playful organ music)

- [Lance] What the hell is going on in there?

- [Rita] Shh, you idiot, be quiet.

- That's the kid in there?

Who's the gal?

Eve Manley.

Nailed himself a quail aye?

(Lance chuckles)

(breathing heavily)

(Lance moaning excitedly)

- Gee thanks, kid.

I really appreciated this.

- Robbie, oh Robbie.

? Time is the thief who stole you from me

? I held you in my arms and bounced you on my knee

? What's happened to my baby

? Now you've grown up, you're closing the door

? Don't need me anymore like you've needed me before

? What's happened to my baby

- 3:19 p.m. Saturday, went to the so-called Institute

to check on suspicious activities.

Decided to go incognito but prepared, nevertheless.

("What's Happened to my Baby" instrumental)

3:27 p.m., discovered dancing class

in progress on corner of grounds.

Legs of dancers weren't covered, as in socialist countries,

otherwise not overtly suspicious.

- Ay. - Ay!

- Ay. - Ay!

- Ay. - Ay!

- Ay. - Ay!

- Ay. - Ay!

- Ay. - Ay!

- [Instructor] Dust gate.

(oriental style music)

(breathing deeply)

(karate style shouting)

3:29p.m., obvious guerrilla activities in evidence.

Midgets disguised as children

being trained to kill and maim.

I must document all charges and leave no loopholes.

This time, I'll make it stick.

- Well, if it isn't J. Edgar.

You catch any Bolsheviks today?

- You know I came to the right place, don't you?

- Lieutenant, any place is the right place

for you to find sin and subversion.

- What do you mean by that?

- Well, you just have that kind of perception.

- Well, thank you.

- Keep your powder dry.

(light dramatic music)

- Keep my powder dry, what's she mean by that?

(horns beeping)

(light jazz music)

(dramatic organ music)

(light jazz music)

- What would your mother say if she saw you here?

- Hi, Mr. Manley.

How's Mrs. Manley?

- What are you looking at this stuff for, huh?

Do you know what it can do?

- It's not for me, Mr. Manley,

it's for a friend who likes things.

- Come on kid, this street is no place for you.

You know what can happen to you

from reading those dirty books, huh?

- No, no sir, I don't.

- You lose weight, your hair begins to fall out,

you're weaker and weaker, loss of appetite.

- Roger, sweetakins, what is this?

Robbing the cradle?

Or were you just trying to make me jealous?

Hmph, now come on Roger,

I've been waiting on you for 25 minutes.

Hmm and bring your little friend along, he's cute.

- [Lydia] Here we are, out together

for our first date and you look so sad.

- I don't know, I guess it's all too much for me lately.

I'm just all confused.

- [Lydia] Tell me about it, Robbie.

? Guess what we learned in school today

? A lot of things we thought we understood

? Things about, oh nevermind

? You would never understand

? Not even if I told you if I could

? The teacher, she was very nice

? We knew that she really cared

? Then some of us got silly

? Some of us got scared

? A little boy I hardly knew, he held me

? His face got very red

? He asked her all about the things that grownups did

? In bed

- [Robbie] I nearly gave my Dad

a heart attack out here once.

We got to talking about these ships

and how great it all was in the old days.

I told him I thought they were nothing but eye sores.

- [Lydia] They just sit here.

- [Robbie] People are weird,

the way they worship World War II.

- [Lydia] Keeps Hollywood in business.

- [Robbie] Guess so.

? They sleep there, they love there

? They hold each other and

? I knew you wouldn't understand

? Mom, why do you look so sad

? Dad, did I say something bad

? And if the world is ugly

? When it gets to be our turn

? Remember, all we ever ask of you

? Is help us, help us learn

- [Robbie] The real problem is, though,

well there were four people after my body.

(Lydia laughs)

- [Lydia] Sounds like delusions of grandeur to me.

- [Robbie] It's not funny, Lydia, it's not even decent.

Well, two of the people are my parents.

One of the others is a man and he's a cop on top of that.

- [Lydia] You have my undivided attention, Casanova.

- [Robbie] Okay, look I know I've got my hangups, Lydia.

But you do, too.

- [Lydia] Hangups?

You mean pornography?

- [Robbie] Yeah.

- [Lydia] Oh, pornography is sort of a hangup, I guess

but I consider it part of your therapy.

- [Robbie] Knock, knock.

- [Lydia] Who's there?

- [Robbie] Norman.

- [Lydia] Norman who?

- Norman Normo, it's the rest of the world that's crazy.

(Robbie giggles) - Let's get back

to the sexual center of Whore Lodge.

- Gee, that sounds like a soap opera.

Well, my Mom found that last shipment of books I was getting

and well, she got all steamed up about it.

She and Mrs. Manley cooked up the idea

that what I really needed was a practical education

in sexual matters.

- So you'd stop reading dirty books?

- Yeah, well the other night, I woke up

and my Dad had passed out and I thought I smelled pot

so somebody, maybe all of em, were stoned

and there was Eve Manley, naked in my bed.

- Did you give in?

- She didn't ask, I was raped.

- Poor baby.

- Well, you know my folks haven't made it in years, right?

Well, now they get so excited watching me that--

- Watching you?

- You heard me.

Well, now they're asking me all the time.

It's the only way they can do it.

I've gotta be there and with Mrs. Manley.

- Could be worse.

- The way I see it, it already is.

First, her husband could shoot me on sight.

He's got a license to kill because he's a cop, right?

Right, and second, well he's been looking at me funny.

- Funny?

- Yeah, funny.

- Funny ha ha or funny strange?

- I don't know just funny.

(enchanting music)

- You know, I think there's only one solution

to your sick family problems.

- [Robbie] I know what we'll do.

We'll run away together.

- No, seriously.

I think you all need a session in the pool.

- That'll go over big with the group.

- You know, it's getting a little late.

Think we better start home.

- Why worry?

I'm with my babysitter.

- Of course, what we are doing here nude

is unmasking ourselves in every way.

That's why there's really no sex in this,

only a sense of release and hopefully, of understanding

which even you could share, Mr. Battle, if you come out.

You thought you were peeping at us girls, didn't you?

And you can't peep at something no one is hiding, can you?

Why don't you come on in and we'll get ourselves together.

- [Lance] You mean I just get undressed right here?

- [Lydia] You can go in the tent if you want.

Oh by the way, do you happen to know

if Mr. Manley is coming?

- [Lance] No, I came here straight from my office.

Unfortunately, I had to fire my secretary.

- Wouldn't come across, huh?

- I think we all reserve that kind of sniping

for some other time.

We might not end up doing it at all.

- Fat chance.

(dramatic music)

(gasps)

- They really did it.

They're really undressed like animals.

Ah, I know, that Battle,

he was a communist sympathizer, he was a plant,

he led me on.

Oh, oh, I need a knife for him.

Nah, a gun will do.

Yeah, a gun.

Oh, the whores, the whores of Babylon cavorting

for the seduction of a poor, sweet, darling boy.

Might be saved maybe, maybe not.

Maybe...

Maybe...

(suspenseful music)

4:53 p.m., rendezvoused with suspects at the institute

for invited orgy at swimming pool.

I decided to play along with the obscene games

until overt criminal acts were detected

and arrests, therefore possible.

Object: protect the boy from further corruption

at all costs.

(water bubbling)

(intense dramatic music)

Resistance from suspects

made a regrettable gun battle necessary.

Fortunately, I was able to save the boy.

However, I discovered while gazing

upon his beautiful naked body before me that I was queer.

Queer?

(gasping)

Queer?

(dramatic music)

(desperately groaning)

(muttering frustrated gibberish)

Bad, bad, bad queer.

(muttering frustrated gibberish)

(muttering frustrated gibberish)

(gasping for breath)

- Oh God, Roger, can't you do anything right?

Did I see you point a gun at those people over there?

(gasping for breath)

I gotta take you in, Rog.

You are a travesty to the New York Police Department.

- Get me, get me down.

- What?

Oh, take you down, sure.

(relieved breathing)

Sorry about that, Roger.

Oh by the way, you're under arrest.

- You bitch!

Show me your badge.

- Oh Roger, and after all we've meant to each other?

Well, if you don't trust me, there.

- Can't be.

- Now you know what some of those broads felt like.

- The hotel?

You're a fag!

- Me, I'm just a cop.

Married, wife, four kids, the whole bit, just a cop, Rog.

- What am I charged with?

- Oh, come on, Rog.

First, malfeasance of duty.

Second, entrapment of offenders.

Third, misuse of a badge of office to gain personal favors.

Four, attempted aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Fifth-- - All right!

All right, I give up.

(handcuffs clicking)

Oh!

Clumsy punk.

- Now, I think we've all seen enough

of the unfortunate results of sexual ignorance for one day.

Okay, class dismissed.

- [Children] Yay!

- And I wanna thank you parents

for coming to this special screening.

I know you'll want to meet singly and in groups

to further discuss the need for sexual implication

and implementation in your school system, th-

Oh, yes Elizabeth?

- Dr. Whitehorn, you're always talking about sex

and stuff like that and some of us kids

were wondering if you uhh, you--

- You mean, do I enjoy an active and healthy sex life?

Elizabeth, if I had one, that's the only kind I would enjoy.

? Guess what we learned in school today

? A lot of things we thought we understood

? Things about, oh nevermind

? You would never understand

? Not even if I told you if I could

? The teacher, she was very nice

? We knew that she really cared

? Then some of us got silly

? Some of us got scared

? A little boy I hardly knew, he held my hand

? His face got very red

? He asked her all about the things that grownups did

? In bed

? They sleep there, they love there,

? They hold each other and

? I knew you wouldn't understand

? Mom, why do you look so sad

? Dad, did I say something bad

? And if the world is ugly

? When it gets to be our turn

? Remember, all we ever asked of you

? Is help us, help us learn

(upbeat jazz music)