Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ Santa's number one deer So the story goes ♪

♪ The one that All the children know ♪

♪ They know your nose ♪

♪ It glows and glows ♪

♪ Rudolph Rudolph Rudolph Rudolph ♪

♪ Rudolph is A reindeer superhero ♪

♪ Rudolph You're a reindeer superhero ♪

♪ With your big red shiny nose ♪

♪ Rudolph You're a reindeer Superhero ♪

♪ But you know It didn't start that way ♪

♪ All the other reindeer Wouldn't let him play ♪

♪ They said you're too uncool ♪

♪ Your nose is bright as day ♪

♪ So Rudy packed his bags And then he ran away ♪

♪ They say Rudolph You're a reindeer superzero ♪

♪ With that big red shiny nose ♪

♪ Rudolph You're a reindeer superzero ♪

♪ Now with a misfit toy ♪

♪ With the misfit boy ♪

♪ Then one Christmas eve There came a really big snow ♪

♪ Santa's sleigh wouldn't go ♪

♪ The Christmas Town CEO Canceled Christmas and so ♪

♪ The toys had nowhere to go ♪

♪ But does anybody know About the light that glows ♪

♪ Hey Santa What's that you say? ♪

♪ You ain't got nobody Who can pull your sleigh ♪

♪ You better think fast Don't let it get away ♪

♪ Rudy's got a nose that glows And he can light your way ♪

♪ Yeah Rudy got the need With his nose he could believe ♪

♪ He kept The Christmas guarantee ♪

♪ He was a hero indeed ♪

♪ Check that out! ♪

♪ Rudolph like a street flare Way up in the sky ♪

♪ Yeah with his big Red shiny nose ♪

♪ Rudolph You're a reindeer superhero ♪

♪ Yeah That's how this story goes ♪

Christmas is the greatest,

most perfect achievement in human history.

Love in its purest form.

I have dedicated my life to practicing Christmas.

Christmas is an opportunity to give,

expecting nothing in return.

To paint a picture of our own worth.

All the other days are just gray.

I hate gray.

Christmas is cool.

In this world, you're either cool,

or you're not cool. You see that guy?

He's cool.

Super cool!

Hey!

We never really talked or anything,

but we ride the same train.

I try to be cool like him. I do everything I possibly can.

I keep Christmas alive all year long.

How cool is that?

Christmas is not just a holida.

It's a way of life,

and a daily challenge to be perfect.

As perfect as Christmas.

I love everything about Christmas.

I can't even wait for Christmas morning.

I'm up at midnight.

12:01, actually.

Don't want to seem too eager.

Perfect!

I love the smell of Christmas.

Cinnamon,

fresh pine scent.

Chestnuts roasting...

...ideally, and the colors.

It's magic.

That's all everybody wants, right?

A little magic?

To be happy. Have a perfect life.

Lots of friends, community, family...

that loves you.

Well, that's what Christmas does.

Christmas colors are the happiest,

because Christmas makes everyone happy.

Christmas lights make any house the happiest house on the block.

Look at that house.

I bet whoever lives there has the happiest,

most perfect life of anybody.

You guessed it. It's my house.

Winning!

My mom's therapist thinks I'm weird.

Everybody does.

You're judging me right now, too.

Don't deny it.

You're making your mind up now that I'm not normal.

That there's something wrong with me.

Like, there's something wrong

with wanting to live in a world with magic,

and people are nice and don't hate you for being different.

And for liking Christmas more than they do.

Because this world needs Christmas.

Serious Christmas every day.

Try telling that to a world of 12-25ers.

Sometimes, it makes me wanna jump off a bridge.

But I'm no George Bailey. I'm just a freak.

A Christmas freak.

Merry Christmas!

It's not Christmas!

Weirdo.

OMG. Romans are taking a census.

They haven't invented change of address forms yet,

so we have to go back to Bethlehem

where we were born.

Very inconvenient. I'm walking.

My wife is pregnant. Technically I'm not the father,

but I'm cool with it.

Not like I'm going to abandon them on Christmas.

That'd be the worst thing anybody could do on Christmas.

We are a perfect family.

Very modern, even though we live in ancient times.

Rudy was always a strange boy.

- Hi, Mom. - Where are you?

I'm home, but you know that because you track my phone.

My therapist says a mother never stops worrying.

- Tell your therapist I'm 43. - He knows.

He says that you're old enough to be much more

considerate of my feelings.

- He says you're very selfish. - He must be expensive.

Rudy expects too much from people.

He expects everyone to be good.

I worry about him.

That sort of thinking just leads to disappointment.

What time will you be here?

I have plans with friends today.

You don't have friends.

Thanks for reminding me.

I think Rudy is kind of cool.

He's not cool.

I guess a boy's best friend really is his mother.

Oh, the line from Psycho.

Very amusing, Rudy. Of course,

Norman Bates' mother was dead. Is that what you'd prefer?

- Rudy? - No.

That wasn't convincing.

My therapist will find that fascinating.

You haven't met a girl, have you?

You're my only girl.

I like him. Not like, like him like him.

I mean, kinda.

He's different.

I like him. He's cute.

He's not cute.

You haven't forgotten about dinner?

No, Mom.

There's something different about you today.

A mother can sense these thing.

I hope I'm not picking up on

another one of your annoying cries for help.

My therapist says I'm an empat.

Mom,

do you remember the Christmas we gave away all my presents?

Here we go again. I told you a million times,

that was your father's idea.

My therapist says you blame me. You don't, do you?

That was our best Christmas.

That was your father's last Christmas.

"We have too many things," he said.

He was right. Nobody cares about what's important.

Nobody cares.

You sound just like him.

- Do you forgive him? - He doesn't deserve forgivenes.

That is not very Christmassy of you.

It's February, you idiot.

Not Christmas.

My therapist says you're broken.

- Yeah. - That's why you're single.

- You're single. - Grow up, Rudy.

He's a dreamer. Like his father.

My name is Luis Reyes. I work with Rudy in the kitchen.

I don't talk to him.

Hey, Luis.

- That's cool. - I was pretty sure

he liked me back.

He never came out and said it, though.

You know how guys are.

He's not normal. I need normal. Abnormal can get you killed.

He's weird. He's got no huevos.

He lets everyone push him around. Débiles.

I don't let nobody push me around.

Luis! Zip it!

Oh, I'm Clarice.

I work with Rudy at Moonracer's.

We sometimes look at each other when we're working.

I look at him. We're busy.

He doesn't really have time to look at me.

I saw him talking to a salt shaker one time.

- ♪ I'm a misfit salt shaker ♪ - He was singing,

♪ I'm a misfit toy ♪

♪ I'm a salt shaker with pepper I'm a pepper shaker with salt ♪

♪ Life could be sweeter If I was sugar ♪

♪ Instead I'm treated like I'm a booger ♪

♪ Stuck on your finger Flick it on the wall ♪

♪ Nobody wanted me at all ♪

It was cute. He's cute.

He did something, right? Dude's all messed up,

walking around singing "Merry Christmas"

all the time. He's a freak.

God knows I tried.

I did everything a loving mother could.

What did he do? He killed somebody?

- He's incel, right? - He's not incel.

It's always the mothers fault.

I suffered from extreme anxiety when the surrogate was pregnant.

They tell little boys, "Be tough, be hard.

Be ready to fight. You want to be normal, don't you?"

It's crazy! I think Rudy's the normal one.

He's not mean,

and I don't blame him for liking Christmas so much.

Nothing bad ever happens at Christmas.

It's time to wake up, Rudy. Choo choo!

Gotta get to Santa's workshop and make the toys.

It's broke!

Hey! What are you doing?

You just gonna leave that there on the street?

What about that other one?

It falls on the ground, it's mine.

Bye.

He calls the facility "Santa's workshop,"

but it's called Moonracer's.

And he calls the residents "Santa's elves."

It's cute.

And finally, today's word is forgiveness...

This isn't what I ordered, and it needs salt.

Thank you, dear, anyway.

And Wednesday night is bingo night.

He was right the first time.

I forgot what I ordered.

That's my tip!

Excuse me, did an elf drop this?

- It was on the floor. - Ma'am, be cool!

Oh yes, I did lose that. Thank you, baby.

Merry Christmas. Who here likes cookies?

Heads up! Watch it, soldier.

Sorry, I didn't see you.

You came in the out door. That's the out door.

Really?

- But didn't I come in that door? - Yes.

- And I'm the commanding officer? - Yes, sir.

Then that's the in door.

That isn't safe, sir.

You know what else isn't safe? Attitude.

You need an attitude adjustment?

Because the enemy is all too willing to give you one.

Enemy?

Mickey, table six wants to know when bingo starts.

Bingo is on Wednesdays. Did you tell them that?

- No. - Could you do that?

They want to talk to a manager.

Right there, attitude. You see that?

You deflected. That was deflection.

You gotta take ownership, Clarice.

The war is already over unless you take ownership.

This guy may be full-on section eight,

but at least he owns it.

Now go tell table six I'm busy.

I've got one guy around here living in the real world.

Does his job, got his head on straight.

- Never leaves the field early. - Stop, grandpa!

I ain't touching that. I'm not here.

- You don't feel me... - Sticky pendejo.

Sorry, boss. There's something sticky out there.

It's on the floor. It's on tables.

Old people are sticky. You ever notice that?

- You love sticky. - No I don't.

- Just clean it up. - Make him do it.

I hired you to clean up after the residents.

You wanna do what I hired you to do, don't you?

- It's nasty. - Say it.

- Say I want to do it. - I don't want to do it.

- I wanna do it. - Of course you do.

And I will provide you the opportunity to succeed.

Just bring the right food to the right people.

It's not rocket science.

He did. She forgot what she order...

Attitude! Right there.

Those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves, soldier.

I'm off work now. I'm supposed to go help my mom.

Ain't no mommy's on this team.

Just a daddy.

Mr. Buchenwald, what seems to be the trouble?

Please, move along!

I...

I was going to give this to you on the actual Valentine's Day,

but you probably won't be here

because you're probably going to get fired.

I wish I was that cool.

I admit the Christmas thing is pretty high

on the OCD scale.

And I think he's got a pretty active,

you know, inner monologue.

That's why I made these videos and sent them to you.

I want other people to see what I see.

- So you were... - I wasn't stalking him.

Who we talking about?

We're talking about Rudy Rotnase.

Why are we talking about Rudy?

- Has he died? - No. No.

Would you say Rudy is a cool guy?

What do you mean by cool?

Okay.

When Rudy was a little boy,

I used to dress him up in all these little outfits

for all the different holidays.

It was absolutely adorable.

All the kids in school were very jealous.

Funny story.

He used to always cry and say,

"Mommy, they're gonna beat me up. Again."

Can you imagine?

Is Rudy popular?

Popular? I don't know about that. Tell you what I do know.

That old biddy who lives next door to me

has ten cats in her apartment,

and it stinks to high hell.

You wanna do a video, do a video on that.

Whatever.

What are you doing?

Hi. Merry Christmas.

I love this song. Don't you just love this song?

Did you know there's a movie about the Vienna Boys Choir?

It's a Disney movie, and it isn't about Christmas.

- Weird, huh? - No.

They sing a lot of traditional Christmas songs in it

which makes it better.

Kind of cold out, am I right?

Yeah.

Seems more Christmassy when it's cold, so.

Yeah, right.

Personally, I don't mind if it's cold out.

I mean, you can have Christmas when it's hot

like they have Christmas on the equator.

They probably have Christmas in Saudi Arabia.

Well, they should.

But when it's cold out, it just makes Christmas seem more...

real.

Oh, okay. Well, hey, Merry Christmas.

It's not Christmas.

Somebody needs an attitude adjustment.

What did you say?

Merry Christmas, anyway.

What is his deal with Christmas?

I like Christmas.

In December. When it's Christmas.

My neighbors leave their Christmas lights up all year.

They don't turn them on all year. They're just too lazy

to take them down when you're supposed to.

I take mine down right at New Year's.

This is America.

That's how we do things.

Welcome to Bethlehem, baby Jesus.

We're here to say Happy birthday to you.

14.99?

Hi.

Oh, I didn't see you.

- What are you doing here? - Umm...

I was at the Dollar Tree and I saw you come over here.

You followed me?

- Sorry. - Oh, that's okay.

I like this store.

Yeah. It's cool.

- I come here sometimes. - Really?

Were you videoing me?

Not really.

Yeah.

I better go. I'm supposed to help my mom.

- What's wrong with her? - She's in therapy.

I'm going to help her move some furniture.

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.

I went to a Christmas party one time in July.

It was weird.

It was fun, though.

Clean up on the Christmas Aisle.

You want a ride?

I have a car.

I see that.

I can give you a ride home.

It's okay, really. I get good gas mileage.

Do you want music?

You can play whatever kind of music you like.

You really like Christmas.

- Wow. Is this your house? - Yeah.

You really, really like Christmas.

Isn't it just so beautiful?

It's cool.

- You think so? - Uh-huh.

What's it like inside?

Wow!

Are you gonna make fun of me?

For what? I like your tree!

- It's cool. - It's artificial.

It is?

Easy to take care of, though, huh?

You don't have to take care of it. It never dies.

Really?

Who's this?

This is Prancer.

Hi, Prancer. You look so cute with your little antlers.

- Wanna try my cat ears? - Prancer likes being a reindeer.

Right. Like, with Santa Claus.

- There's Dasher, and Dancer. - And Prancer.

- And Vixen. - Comet, and Cupid, and Donner.

- And Blitzen, and you. - Me?

- Rudolph. - I identify more with Hermie.

You wanna be a dentist?

You know the Rankin and Bass classic?

She knows the Rankin and Bass classic.

Everybody knows "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer."

- It's "nosed." - What?

You said "nose." It's "nosed."

- "Red-nosed," with a hyphen. - I thought it was "nose."

It's "nosed."

- You want a Christmas cookie? - Sure.

I just baked them.

Thank you.

Delicious.

I've never had a guest here before.

Really? Why?

Most people think I should put my Christmas things away

after December 25.

I don't. I like it.

You should have a party.

It'd be cool because it's not Christmas,

except for it is, here.

I guess it's always Christmas here.

It's funny.

I think it's cute.

You're cute.

She thinks I'm cute!

It's your mom.

Oh.

It's my mom.

You'd better get it.

Hello? Mom?

Yes, I'm on my way.

I have to go.

My mom likes for me

to redecorate her house for her pretty frequently.

If I had a house,

you'd be the very first one I'd ask to help me decorate.

Especially Christmas decorating.

It's not Christmas for my mom.

No, I was just saying. I mean, it's February.

I know it's February.

People always tell me what month it is all the time.

I can help you rearrange your mom's furniture.

If you want.

I have nothing better to do.

It doesn't look too cluttered, does it?

I don't like it to look like I have too many things.

It looks a lot like it did before.

Very spacious.

Well, thank you, Clarice.

- Are you dating my son? - We should go.

- Yeah. - Well, think about it.

You'd be his first. He's got that new car smell.

And don't let his eccentricities put you off, dear.

My therapist says he's harmless.

- Probably. - Thanks, Mom. Merry Christmas.

That's one of the eccentricities I was talking about.

It's always Christmas with him. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.

He won't even think about other holidays. I tried.

Well, Happy Valentine's Day.

You see Rudy? Valentine's!

- I like her. - Thanks, Mom. See you later.

Come on, Clarice.

Run along, you two. It's very nice to meet you, Clarice.

Rudy, don't screw this up. Ixnay on the Christmas, 'kay?

Pig Latin.

Maybe you can get to the bottom of this Christmas fetish.

My therapist calls it a fetish. His father left at Christmas.

I would never want to think about Christmas ever again.

In fact I don't.

What's Christmas? Never heard of it.

Rudy, don't forget about dinner. You're pretty, Clarice.

Thin!

Cat ears.

So, that was your mom?

Yep.

She, she seems nice.

You don't really look like her, though.

She's adopted.

Oh.

Okay.

You're different.

- I am? - You're cool.

I like how you go against the grain.

Always go against the grain.

- That's what Negan told Carl. - Negan wasn't cool.

Or Christmassy.

Christmas is the first to go during a zombie apocalypse.

Without Christmas, humanity is doomed.

Scary.

Isn't there an episode where they have Christmas for Carl?

Christmas isn't an episode, it's a feeling.

Like, Jesus is the reason for the season.

That's more of a bumper sticker.

My mom has that on a sweatshirt.

She wears it whenever she's making the turkey.

- It has turkey stains on it. - I like turkey.

Is that why you feel Christmas so deeply?

Because turkey?

- Jesus. - I'm not religious.

Me neither.

There are some really good Christian Christmas stories.

- Can I ask you a question? - Okay.

- It's February. - We already established that.

Sorry. I know you like Christmas and everything. Most people do.

But most people don't have their house all decorated

for Christmas in February.

Why take down all the beautiful decorations?

- 'Cause Christmas is over. - It's never over.

Don't you want it to be special? Like,

I love this pizza.

But if I eat the same pizza every day,

how can it be special?

What if it's the best pizza?

And you eat it in the best place?

With your best...

friend.

I guess that's pretty special.

- Oh. - I'm supposed to be at work.

I have to pick up Luis' shift.

I could give you a ride.

That would be cool.

You smell like candy canes.

Thanks.

Rudy has never had a girlfriend.

My therapist thought he was gay.

Clarice? She's hot. She's a woman. I like women.

Women!

He's different. Different is not what you want on your team.

I'm going to have to fire him.

You leave Rudy alone.

If you do not leave Rudy alone, you will be sorry,

and I will talk to the manager.

Clarice is very quiet.

My therapist will say,

"Rudy ought to prefer a stronger woman."

But at this point, frankly,

I'm surprised he's brought home a live human.

And not a snowman or a cinnamon bear.

We ate pizza in the cemetery.

It was wonderful.

Nobody ever kissed me before.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything.

When do you think was the exact moment

that Ebenezer changed his heart?

When he was remembering his life or when he saw his death?

Hmm?

Never mind.

Just like everybody else.

Oh, yeah. Scrooge, duh!

I wish I was cool.

I wish I was cool.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, really?

I wasn't expecting that.

- People don't usually... - Super cool guy here.

- Not just my opinion. - For sure.

You probably noticed my cool clothes.

Literally everything is a cool brand.

Anthropologie, Aeropostale, old school magic sizzle.

- I mean, you look amazing. - I know.

Also, I do super cool things,

like kayaking and grownup dodgeball.

- I can't even. - Can't even with what?

Exactly! And I use phrases like that with total confidence.

All. The. Time.

You really are cool.

Uh-uh. That's why I'm so popular.

I encourage you to be the best,

most authentic version of Rudy you can be.

You know my name?

I'm just as surprised as you are.

- I must be special. - Is that your Christmas wish?

To be special?

What are you, millennial?

I don't really know. I think I'm Gen X.

Boomer.

So Boomer, tell me. What is it you really want?

I kinda wish I was more popular. People don't really like me.

I know. It's weird how truly unpopular you are.

Considering how much you love Christmas

and keep it going all year.

And the way you dress.

- You know, like that. - Right?

It must be something else about you that people hate.

Hate? That's a strong word.

- Seriously? - Fine.

Well, don't jump off a bridge, if that's what you're thinking.

Like George Bailey.

- Have you tried just being you? - No. It doesn't work.

It worked with Clarice.

She'd probably think I was cool if I took up kayaking.

It's not about kayaking. It's about what's in you.

Isn't that your whole thing with Christmas?

How it brings out the best in everyone?

That's all you gotta do.

Believe in yourself as much as you believe in Christmas.

Being cool isn't about being cool.

So, be cool.

Be cool.

Lovely around here, isn't it?

I call it Christmas Town.

- Better known as the North Pole. - Rankin and Bass.

- The Christmas Tree Forest. - Yep.

Here's where we grow them.

Are we done quoting "Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer?"

"Nosed."

It's spider-webby out here.

But it seems more natural when it's decorated,

don't you think? Hey, cool guy,

do you think the woodland creatures know it's Christmas?

Why don't you ask them?

- Use the magic scarf. - This?

When you wear it, you can wish for anything.

But it's yours.

I found it on the train. It's kind of sticky.

They should be better about cleaning those floors.

I sense you tried to give it back to me,

but it had big gulp on it,

so now you'll have it professionally dry cleaned.

And then you'll ride the train, who knows how many days

until you see me again.

Without a word,

you'll return it to me and even though we've never met,

we'll become best friends and maybe lovers.

Yeah, I don't think I'm...

- I don't know. - I don't either.

This is your fantasy, not mine.

- Give me my scarf. - No.

- I'll have it cleaned. - You are selfless and pure.

Thank you.

Anything you want, just ask the scarf.

Anything.

- But watch out. - What?

Watch out!

- Oh, hey. - Watch out!

Watch out!

No, it's okay. I'm all right.

I'm the one with mental problems. Right?

- Right? I'm the crazy one! - Thank you!

Sorry. I didn't see you.

Be safe. Have fun. Have a nice day.

Don't get hit by a car.

Great kid.

Hey, mister.

My mom says I'm supposed

- to apologize to you. - What for?

She says it's not nice to throw things at you.

You know, 'cause you're mental.

Oh, okay. I guess.

Sorry, not mental. She says you're nice,

and I should stop calling you a weirdo,

or I'll get in trouble.

Okay, well, yeah, don't get in trouble.

I gotta go. I'll see you later.

Hi.

Hi. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Yes, it is!

That is a lovely scarf.

Yes, it is. Looks great on you.

Thank you.

I did what you said. Can I get my bike back now?

It's a magic scarf.

At least you think I'm cool, right?

- Hi, Mom. Merry Christmas. - Am I a terrible mother?

- What? - You were such a good boy.

- You're drunk. - No!

Yes.

It's all my fault, isn't it! That's what you think!

Margaritas?

Banana smoothie!

Margarita.

Did you want something? Absolution? Confirmation?

Validation? What can I do for you?

You were such a good boy.

So...

boring though.

Just this dull, little thing in the corner

playing with a nativity set.

Thanks, Mom!

As if constantly replaying Christmas

would bring your father back.

For the record,

everything is not always about dad leaving.

Yes, he abandoned us on Christmas day.

That's just perfect, Donna. Merry Christmas!

Santa!

Okay.

Now that I say it out loud, maybe it is a little about dad.

Therapy has done wonders for me.

I am very conscious of my patterns,

and I'm not a slave to them.

Anymore.

- Right. - I've learned,

that doing the same thing more than once

is the very definition of insanity.

I don't think that's the exact quote,

but you're right. I'm in a loo. I do it to myself.

I realized that.

But, Christmas is the only thing that makes me happy.

I'm sorry that's dull for you, but it's my loop.

I own it.

What do you mean you own a loop? What is that?

We're all in a loop of some sort.

We make our own loops.

You have your binge and purge loop.

Don't make this about me.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

My therapist says that my deep state of denial

prevents me from truly understanding things.

Sounds like a breakthrough. I gotta go.

He says there's something very wrong with you!

I'm just relieved to know that it's your father's fault!

We thought you'd never find a nice girl.

- Like Clarice. - Clarice found me.

I love you.

That's new.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, mister!

Excuse me! Hey! I was...

Huh? What do you want? I didn't steal it.

It was just lying there.

No. Hey.

- I was... - Spit it out. Are you mental?

- I got a knife! - No! Hey.

I was almost hit by a car a little while ago.

You yelled at me.

Woke me up.

Yeah. That's right. Keep your eyes open.

I bought you a present.

- Why is it in Christmas paper? - It's a Christmas present.

It's not Christmas.

Here.

Aren't you gonna open it?

- There's something in it? - Yeah.

You got the receipt?

In case I don't like it, I can return it.

Well, it's...

It's a bunch of socks.

I thought maybe you could use some new ones.

I like socks.

- I don't have any clean ones. - Well, cool.

Now you have some clean, new socks.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Who do you think you are? Will Ferrell?

Hey, I was wondering,

do you think you might wanna have dinner?

♪ The clothes I wear ♪

- ♪ The magic in my hair... ♪ - What up, Brock?

Text me.

Hey, how's it going?

Merry Christmas.

Got these threads at Anthropologie, yo.

♪ I can't even ♪

♪ I know I am the coolest ♪

What up? I do not know your name.

- ♪ Oh I'm gonna... ♪ - Hey, everybody!

Merry Christmas!

Hey, man. How about an icy brew for your bro?

You got a magic eight ball, or you gonna tell me

what kind of icy brew you want, bro?

Right on!

Hey, you never talked to me before. Must be the new Rudy.

Must be. The old Rudy comes here and usually asks for a Rainier.

How fly is that?

- Super fly. What do you want? - Rainier!

And two shots of whiskey!

Whiskey!

Ladies.

Merry Christmas!

Ladies! What's the what?

- What's the what? - That's hysterical!

- You are amazing. - We were talking.

Cool, what's on the agen?

Getting to know you, obviously.

I love men who talk in abbreviations.

It means you're busy and important,

and you don't have time to waste on a single syllable.

Do you come here often? Because this is my first time here.

But if you come here often, I'm gonna come here often.

Take it easy, I'm a slow ride and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Eagles, Foghat and Aerosmith in one sentence. I'm swooning!

Nice shirt. This scarf is hot!

Where'd ya get it, Aeropostale?

No! I found it on the floor of a train.

That is so cool!

You're the coolest person I've ever met.

I've always been cool. Just nobody noticed.

I was on the DL.

I should probably go to the little girls room

and freshen up. Would...

- Would you excuse me? - What?

- I said excuse me. - No problemo.

I know what's up.

You ladies are going to talk amongst yourselves, and decide

- who's the lucky gal tonight. - Seriously?

No fight. It's all right, all right, all right?

Promise? You're too pretty, and there's enough Rudy!

For everybody!

I've never seen someone bomb like that before.

Check it out. I'm having a party tomorrow night at my place.

I just decided. 8:00 p.m.

I'll be there. Young, dumb and full of Christmas spirit.

- You know what I mean? - No.

Right on.

You just decided you're having a party

but you already had invitations?

Hey, everyone. I'm a wild and crazy guy.

Don't you watch Saturday Night Live?

SNL's totally my scene. It's so cool!

Hey, man. What's up?

You look almost as good as me tonight.

We're like two elves on a shelf.

You know what that's from, right?

The movie Elf on a shelf. Check it out. Blu-ray, my place.

Or we could just Netflix and chill. That'd be cool.

What are you doing, man?

Being amazing. What are you doing?

Your amazingness is freaking everybody out.

- More than usual somehow. - Hey, it's cool.

- You see this scarf? It's magic! - Really?

I do not claim to know how it works,

but it makes me extremely cool.

Bulletproof. Zero awkward.

Yeah, I noticed.

Hey, nice of you to check in.

Look, I'm having a party. It's an event, 8 p.

We're filling up fast, but you can tend bar.

JK. I'm keeping it real.

Almost sick enough to want to see that train wreck.

Hells yeah! My digits.

I'mma cruise over here and check out this chessboard thang.

Lates!

What up, my dudes!

Let me show you how the chessing is done.

Oh, look, you're playing with the little Santa Claus people

who lives in Santa Claus village.

And then you got the Mrs. Santa Claus

and she wants to move over here.

Yo, kayaking is more my thing.

Merry Christmas!

Hey, you guys are hardcore. You wanna play adult dodgeball?

Go home, man. Quit being so weird.

Nailed it!

I almost felt bad for him.

But at the same time, it was pretty spectacular.

So he kinda gained a little respect.

We're out of ketchup!

Can one of you go in the kitchen and get me some ketchup?

Kitchen. Now.

How many does it take to go get me some ketchup?

Hmm.

Somebody wanna tell me what that was all about?

It was on the floor.

I'm supposed to pick stuff off the floor, right?

- You were going to keep it. - That's not your business.

It's not yours.

- Maybe I dropped it. - You didn't drop it!

Miss Loving dropped it. She always drops it.

How do you know she didn't drop it for me?

Maybe she likes to see me bend over and pick it up.

You're gonna take that one joy away from her?

- Ew. - All right.

- Give it... - Boss!

I can help.

Let this scarf represent friendship,

and harmony between you.

Let the raging waters of discord calm,

and may you both find peace.

Love one another.

Man, you never say nothing except Merry Christmas,

and when you do, it's a hippie wedding?

I thought it was nice.

- It was stupid. - You're stupid.

- Your face is stupid. - Enough!

Get back to work.

Do not talk to each other.

If I see you even look at each other,

- you're both fired. - No negativity.

Not at Christmas.

I'm having a Christmas party.

Tomorrow night at eight.

- God. - And you're all invited.

It's going to be super cool, and really fun!

- BYOB? - I'll take care of everything!

I have tons of eggnog, and I'll make mulled wine.

We can have Christmas cookies and a cheese log.

We can string cranberries and popcorn,

and sing Christmas carols.

We're going to have so much fun. You're going to love it!

Eight o' clock, and best of all,

you get to meet all of my really cool friends.

My other friends, because you guys...

are my best friends.

I love you guys.

Clarice especially.

I'd throw a lasso around the moon

and pull it down for you, Clarice.

See you at eight!

♪ From ear to ear You see my grin ♪

♪ From there to here From nose to fin ♪

♪ I might just have to Grin again ♪

♪ Say what you want I'm misfitting ♪

♪ I want a Charlie in a box ♪

♪ I want balloons Made out of rocks ♪

♪ I want square wheels On my bike ♪

♪ Why should we all Just be alike ♪

♪ Misfit, you'll agree ♪

♪ Misfit, well that's me ♪

♪ Misfit happily ♪

♪ I'm not out of step ♪

♪ What's up, Mr. Sky? ♪

♪ Moonlight in my eye ♪

♪ Misfit in MI ♪

♪ I got magic help ♪

♪ I hear my own beat ♪

♪ When I dance down the street ♪

♪ I'm a pepper shaker Filled with salt ♪

♪ That's how I am It's not my fault ♪

- Hello. - Hello.

Goodness, you're in a hurry.

I have to get ready for my big party.

- Are you having a party? - Yes!

How delightful! What's the occasion?

Having...

friends.

You wanna come? Please come.

It'll be super cool and really fun!

Tomorrow night at eight.

See you then!

- Hi! Oh. - Hey.

Can I have the wreath if it falls on the ground again?

Yeah, sure!

Hey, I was wondering about that dinner.

I'm busy. I've got plans.

My mom orders from really nice restaurants!

Okay.

It's Valentine's for her,

and I thought maybe it was for you too.

- It's not Valentine's for you? - For me it's Christmas.

- That's weird. I'm busy. - Oh.

Well, I'm having a party at my house tomorrow night at eight.

If you're not busy, maybe you can come to that instead.

- Why? - It's Christmas!

- No, it's not. - Okay, well.

If you wanna come, you know where I live.

If the wreath falls down again, I get it, right?

- Yeah! - Hey.

Is there something wrong with mom?

She's lonely.

Is there something wrong with you?

We all have something wrong with us, don't we?

That's true.

Welcome, friends!

Welcome to my home.

Here, you'll find joy and good will of Christmas

all year round.

It is my humble gift to you, my good dear friends.

I have gifts for you, and you, and you!

♪ And you and you ♪

- That's not a Christmas movie! - ♪ Debatable ♪

I like eggnog.

Oh no, Prancer. That's bad for you!

Stop it, Prancer. Stop!

Stop it, Prancer!

Prancer, stop!

It's today!

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Reach for the Fridge Sugar and cream ♪

♪ Booze in the eggnog Gives you wings ♪

♪ Chorus to the song Don't mean a thing ♪

♪ ...till we sing ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Now do the ham Pop in the pan ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ See how he makes Cheese log and cake ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong ♪

♪ Drink all around Half vodka bottle ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Take the ham from ♪

♪ The oven ♪

♪ And put it down ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ What to wear today ♪

♪ Prancer's all right ♪

♪ Green suit is tight ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ His face is very manic Nose has afallen ♪

♪ Don't even panic ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Tears down the stairs ♪

♪ Glam fancy wares ♪

♪ Eats like a bear Rum everywhere ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ He took the wreath He took the wreath ♪

♪ He took the wreath He took the wreath ♪

♪ Noon, you're at home Wait by the phone ♪

♪ Watch video, watch video ♪

♪ Ding dong, ding dong ♪

♪ Wait for the time Party is near ♪

♪ Friends will be here Friends will be here ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ring ♪

- Hi, Clarice. Come in. - Hi.

- Am I the first one here? - Yeah.

Everyone else is on their way.

- Your house looks really nice. - Thanks.

- May I offer you an eggnog? - Do you have anything else?

- Punch. - Okay. Thanks.

Were are you able to find the place okay?

- I've been here before. - Right.

It's just it's getting late, and I thought everybody might be...

having a hard time finding my house.

It's got Christmas lights all over it,

so it's pretty easy to spot.

- I brought you something. - You didn't have to do that.

It's Valentine's tomorrow, so...

- This is a Christmas party. - I know.

Anyway, this is for you.

I thought you could be my Valentine,

since it's almost Valentine's and...

I like you.

I made eggnog.

I feel embarrassed. I should go.

Go where?

I've never done that before.

I never went up to a guy

and asked him to be my Valentine.

You don't have to be my Valentine,

but that was really hard for me.

I just thought you liked me, too, is all.

I do.

- But Christmas... - What's the big deal?

I mean...

I get it. It's a Christmas party, obviously.

But, am I not even supposed to mention

that it's really Valentine's Day?

That's kind of where it gets weird, Rudy.

- You think I'm weird, too? - Yeah.

That's why I like you. I mean, fine.

Pretend it's Christmas if you want.

- Pretend? - Yes, pretend. It's February.

I know Christmas is your jam, and that's quirky cool,

but Christmas is December 25th, not February 13th.

What do I have to do to make you understand?

To make everyone understand Christmas is not a day?

Yes it is!

You can celebrate Christmas whenever you want,

but that doesn't mean it's not Valentine's Day.

- Tomorrow! - Valentine's is fake.

It's made up by a greeting card company.

Oh. Sorry Valentine's isn't as authentic

as your February Christmas party

with your cheese log, and eggnog,

and your shopping mall of presents under your fake tree!

It's what's in your heart that counts,

not what's under your tree.

And that tree is awesome!

That was our first fight.

You know what?

Don't lasso for the moon for me. I don't want it.

I don't want to be your Valentine.

♪ Sleighbells ringing ♪

♪ But my heart Is made of stone ♪

♪ I got nobody waiting at home ♪

♪ Wish there was somebody ♪

♪ Still that sad trombone ♪

♪ Plays through the silent nigt For me ♪

♪ Another cool Christmas ♪

♪ I've lost my heart again ♪

♪ Another cool Christmas alone ♪

♪ I was a fool last Christmas ♪

♪ And here I go again ♪

♪ Another cool Christmas alone ♪

♪ Silhouette by a fire light ♪

♪ Stockings hanging In case they might ♪

♪ Fill with Christmas joy Tonight ♪

♪ For who will need ♪

Oh my god.

Nelson still has his Christmas tree up.

Whatever.

Nelson still has his Christmas tree up?

It's months past Christmas. He should know that it's a rule.

On the 27th, you have to remove your Christmas tree.

You need a woman in life.

- Maybe. - Get rid of it.

♪ Jingle bells Batman smells ♪

♪ Robin made an egg ♪

Robin, with his funky feet, wouldn't lay eggs.

- Watch this. - Impossible.

♪ Joker took ballet ♪

♪ I hear Christmas singing ♪

♪ But my heart is out of tune ♪

That's not how you sing it.

♪ Way up high ♪

♪ All on my own ♪

Make your wish, Rudy. Make it for love.

- Love in its purest form. - ♪ Nobody I got no friends ♪

♪ Just the moon ♪

♪ I've got no need For mistletoe ♪

♪ I wish I may ♪

♪ I wish I might ♪

♪ Have this Christmas wish Tonight ♪

♪ A star up in the sky So bright ♪

♪ Shining for me ♪

♪ But it's just another Cool Christmas ♪

♪ I've lost my only friend ♪

♪ Another cool Christmas alone ♪

♪ I was a fool last Christmas ♪

Cool people have parties.

♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ But if Christmas Weren't so cool ♪

♪ Fingers crossed ♪

♪ I'd find my friend ♪

- Well, that catgirl showed up. - Oh.

I didn't see you there.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing. I didn't.

I know what you're doing.

- You gonna jump? - Why not?

Everybody hates me.

The whole world would just be better off

if I never said Merry Christmas again.

Hey! Thanks for the socks.

You're welcome.

Merry Christmas.

They keep my feet warm, I wash them out in the river.

Takes a while to dry.

I can get you some more.

- It's okay. - It's nothing.

It's not nothing.

Not to me.

A lot of people don't think the way you do.

Don't think about helping people.

Sometimes I bunch them up into a sock pillow.

A bit dangerous though.

Can't nobody steal them if they're on your feet.

They'll steal your pillow, though.

Who would steal from you?

You're worse off than me. You have nothing.

What you mean I don't got nothing?

I got stuff. I got everything I need.

The ones who steal are the ones who don't got nothing.

I got everything.

It falls on the ground, it's mine.

See? I love this wreath.

Okay.

I mean, I don't have a fancy house,

all fixed up like it's Christmas.

Or a girlfriend.

I used to have a wife.

She didn't look like a cat, though.

It's Valentine's Day.

- You know that, don't you? - I know!

Okay. Well, excuse me.

Don't seem like you do. At least I know what day it is.

It's today.

I got that much.

I know what I am.

I know who I am.

I got that much, too.

I'll tell you something else.

I know who you are.

Who am I?

You're the one who's about to jump off a bridge.

That water's cold, you know.

Here, take this.

I want you to have it.

- Don't get it wet, either. - It's...

- Taco Bell hot sauce. - Shh.

You want somebody to steal it? It's for you. It's a gift.

Makes everything you put it on taste delicious.

It's magic.

- Thank you. - Listen, son.

I never saw anybody try as hard as you to believe in people.

I'm not very good at that myself.

You take after your momma, I guess.

You're a good boy.

That's not enough.

You don't need to be no better than that.

Daddy should have told you that a long time ago.

Do you forgive him?

My dad?

Yeah.

I guess.

That's good.

That's real good.

That's how you get out of them chains.

Forgive yourself like you forgive your daddy and...

Poof.

You're free.

Stop fooling around up there and watch.

Tada! See you next year.

Gotta let it go, son.

Hey!

Where are you going?

Hey!

What's your name?

Oh, no. You went to Red Lobster?

- Yeah. - We go there all the time.

- They got cheddar biscuits. - Should've gone to Red Robin.

Bottomless fries.

I make an exception to the carb rule for French fries.

Right, because I can't even eat Lobster.

I got that puff puff in my bag.

- I'm so allergic... - Beyoncé is not funny.

My Grandma loves Beyoncé.

Wanna know the real feminist?

- Taylor swift. - Josephine Baker.

- Who's that? - Google?

I just sent you the repeat.

Did you just text Al

- that I'm not fun? - No.

First, I am fun. Second, I'm very fun.

Stop shooting those stupid things.

- Don't point that at me! No! - Incoming!

Ah!

- Hello? - Is somebody there?

Go see who it is!

- You go! - It's probably Vern.

- Estevez! - Hey, Vern!

- Vern? - Hello?

Kitty?

- You're not Vern. - No. Sorry.

- Who are you? - Are you spying on us?

He looks like Ed Sheeran.

- Why are you spying, Ed Sheeran? - I'm not Ed Sheeran.

- I'm Rudy. - Why are you spying on us, Rudy?

I was just walking by. I heard your conversation.

It was interesting.

I'm sorry. I'll go.

- Do you have any beer? - At my house, and I have eggnog.

Why are you wearing that outfit? Is it a costume?

The hat?

- He always dresses like that. - Do you know this guy?

- No. - Yes. I see him on the train.

I think he's cute. Like an elf.

Come inside. Would you like something to drink?

Do you have any cocoa?

- Please? - Okay, okay.

So, what you say your name is?

- Rudy. - Sup, Rudy?

You have eggnog. That's for Christmas.

- I like Christmas. - "I like Christmas"!

- Check this guy out! - Don't pay any attention to him.

- I like Christmas too. - You do?

Who doesn't like Christmas? I'm Molly.

- This is Al. - I'm Hall.

That's Estevez. And Nelson's making the cocoa.

Rudy wants to say something. Say it, Rudy.

Those are the actors in The Breakfast Club.

- We know. - That's weird.

Says the guy dressed like an elf.

No, I like it. The Breakfast Club is good.

It's not a Christmas movie, but I like it.

Are you guys just super into the movie or something?

It's a coincidence. Those are our real names.

- Okay. - Are you judging?

- No. - Good.

Because you see us how you want to see us.

In the most simplest terms.

In the most convenient definitions.

But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain,

an athlete, a basket case, a princess,

and a criminal.

- Does that answer your question? - What question?

Exactly.

And why do you have eggnog in February,

Mr. Ed Sheeran peeping Tom guy?

- It was for my Christmas party. - It's Valentine's.

- You're having a party? - Yeah but I left.

Do you spy on people all the time?

- No! - Dude left his own party.

That's hardcore.

Nobody came. One person came. She's my friend.

Was my friend, I guess. I was mean to her.

Nobody came to your party.

Why were you mean to her? What did you do?

Did she look like an elf too?

- You hit her, didn't you? - You hit an elf?

Now, violence, statistically speaking...

She doesn't look like an elf. She looks like a cat.

- You hit a cat? - No, I didn't hit her.

Did you poke her with a really sharp candy cane?

- That would hurt! - No, I yelled at her.

She brought me Valentine's candy.

Yelled at her for bringing Valentine's Day candy?

I don't blame you.

That cheap stuff you get at Fred Meyer is toxic.

Have you guys been to that place called

the Meadow on Mississippi?

So good.

Even if it is Fred Meyer chocolate, you say thank you.

And you don't even eat it... until you're alone.

It was a Christmas party!

- It's Valentine's. - It was a Christmas party.

Wow. Okay.

Hot chocolate.

Al.

Estevez.

Rudy.

Molly.

To old friends, and new friends.

Cheers!

Merry Christmas!

Obsessed much? Not healthy.

That's what I hear.

So, Rudy, was the girl who brought chocolate

and looks like a cat your girlfriend?

I don't know. I never had a girlfriend before.

Do you feel friendzoned?

Story of my life.

Rudy can turn it around, if he wants to. Can't you, Rudy?

My mom's therapist would like that.

- What would you like? - I like this hot chocolate.

At home, I put marshmallows and rain sprinkles on top.

That was deflection.

I wish men would just be honest.

Have you ever met an honest man?

- Never. - Hello?

You wish.

What would you wish for, Rudy, if you could wish for anything?

I wish it was Christmas every day. For everyone.

Do you ever talk about anything else?

What is it about Christmas that you like?

Everything! Don't you like Christmas?

It's one of my favorite holidays.

Christmas isn't a holiday.

If it's not a holiday, what is it?

Christmas is a feeling.

A perfect...

feeling.

Christmas is life.

Christmas is the opposite of gray.

Gray days.

Everybody is at their best at Christmas.

Everybody is kind.

Everybody's forgiving.

Everybody's honest.

Why can't you be kind, forgiving and honest all year?

Are you kind, forgiving, and honest?

Yes.

Was it kind to yell at Clarice?

No.

Is it forgiving to expect your mother to be someone she isn't?

No.

Is it honest to keep things that don't belong to you?

No.

No wonder everyone disappoints you.

You can't even live up to your own ideals.

Nobody's perfect. People aren't perfect.

So shines a light on a weary world.

Actually, if you're going Willy Wonka,

- it's "So shines a good deed"... - Do you mind?

It seems to me that all you're really trying to do

having Christmas every day,

is to hold up in your little gingerbread house

and recapture that one special moment in your life.

When you thought the world was right.

The world was right.

You always knew your dad wasn't coming back.

You don't have to worry about people being mean to you.

Abandoning you like you're nothing.

Is that how you see yourself?

That's how everybody sees me.

Not Clarice.

She's nice right now but in the end,

she'll just make fun of me.

Because you pretend it's Christmas Day, every day?

I do not pretend.

- Because Christmas is not a day. - Boy, you're too frustrating.

You're giving me sciatica.

Somebody like you could never understand

what it's like to be somebody like me.

The drama queen award goes to...

you!

I feel funny.

Did you put something in my cocoa?

Yes.

- What? - Just a little Christmas magic.

Simmer down.

Who's there?

This looks familiar.

- How did we... - Where are we?

I don't know. We should go.

Go where? We're already here.

Boy, would you look around and tell me where you think you are?

I went through a lot of trouble to make this happen.

This is the house I lived in!

When I was a kid. I still have that tree.

Look how perfect everything is.

- Christmas! - Who's that?

Lord, for somebody as obsessed with Christmas

and you are obsessed, you are thicker than Ashanti.

And that girl is thick.

Right round here. Right on that middle section.

I don't know how much money she spends on clothes but...

I mean, she does look good. She must have a...

- deal with the devil. - We are gonna get arrested.

Luckily for one of us, that's not true.

- Rudy? - Yes, Mom?

Oh, now you're getting it.

Really because I don't feel like I'm getting it.

Oh, for goodness sake. Get dressed.

- Where's Daddy? - He left.

Why?

Don't worry. He'll be back. He can't get along without me.

We just have to show him

how much better it is when everything is perfect.

Then he'll want to come back and be perfect too.

Doesn't he love us anymore?

Mom.

We're not here. She can't hear you.

I thought you said you were getting this.

I didn't say that.

I have to give Daddy my Christmas present.

- It's socks. - He doesn't want presents.

- Yes he does. - Not today!

Can I give it to him tomorrow?

I don't know. Look at me, Rudy. Remember this.

Less than perfect is never good enough.

Promise me you'll remember that.

Okay. Mom?

Oh, for goodness sake, get dressed.

What is perfect?

When something is the very best it can be.

Including people.

Is Christmas perfect?

Not this Christmas.

Then we can do it better tomorrow.

I promise. I'll try really hard.

Tomorrow is not Christmas.

I bet it can be if you wish hard enough.

What are you doing?

Wishing it was Christmas every day!

Go get dressed!

- Mom? - Yes?

Am I perfect?

No. Not when you're still in your pajamas

after I've told you twice to get dressed.

You are most definitely not perfect.

That...

was a moment.

Yeah.

It's so disorienting the way we just pop from place to place.

- Why isn't he in a car seat? - Hush, I'm trying to hear

what your mom and that man are fighting about.

This is like a Hallmark movie.

But with black people.

Me, Rudolph. I'm talking about me.

Hey, there's my snow globe.

- I loved that thing. - Would you hush?

I wish it would be Christmas every day

till Daddy comes home.

Then everything will be perfect again.

Is that not the saddest little thing you've ever heard?

I tried to make it perfect.

I want to give Daddy his Christmas present.

Your daddy said to tell you you're very spoiled,

and that you have too many toys, and that there are

a lot of boys and girls who don't have any toys at all,

and that he'll come back just as soon as you're a good boy

and learn what Christmas is really about.

What is Christmas really about?

Ask your father.

That's cold.

When he comes home?

Oh, yes.

He was never coming home.

Sounds like a loop. Moving on.

Hello?

Hello, Miss Rotnase.

Rudy isn't here right now.

I'm not sure.

He went out. Uhm.

- I can have him call you. - Would you?

Thank you, dear.

Oh, Clarice,

you two don't have plans for tomorrow night, do you?

Oh, good. I didn't think so.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't bring it up.

I'm sure you'll find something to do. You have friends.

Rudy and I have a standing date for Valentine's Day.

He looks so forward to it.

Isn't that sweet?

You'd rather be with mom on Valentine's Day

than that nice, white girl with the cat ears.

- Mom kinda expects it. - I bet you're gonna try

to regift that box of chocolates Clarice brought you.

Rude. Give me that box.

Mmm.

Mmm, these are not from Fred Meyer.

- These are good. - You can eat that?

I thought we weren't really here.

I make exceptions for chocolate.

Not till you apologize to Clarice, Mr. Christmas every day

'cause it's all about love and forgiveness.

Fool wouldn't know love if it bit him the back pocket.

That's where you put Clarice's Valentine card.

Read it.

That's not a real Christmas card.

That's annoying.

You know what angels do when things are annoying?

- Snap out of it! - Ow!

- All glory to Cher. - Ow!

Everybody gets one wish in this life.

Don't screw it up.

I already did.

Then, fix it!

Boy, you're not 20.

You're not even 30.

In fact, 40 might be generous.

You ever heard of moisturizer?

That's your answer right there.

You gotta keep things soft, and supple, and smooth,

and nice to the touching. Damn, I look good!

- You know how old I am? - Are we still talking about me?

Figure it out, Rudy.

Before it's too late.

And that nasty little dog of yours eats your face off.

Prancer?

It's Valentine's Day!

I don't wanna be your Valentine.

I'm the crazy one.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Hi.

- Who are you? - What are you doing?

- Does somebody know this guy? - Hold on.

He may have a concussion.

Can you get on your feet, buddy?

Would you like something to drink?

- How about some cocoa? - No.

- No cocoa. - We got a fire over here.

Come hang out. Get warm.

- We're all out of beer, though. - I have beer.

At my house.

And I have eggnog.

What's wrong with me? I have eggnog,

and it's not even Christmas.

And...

I have a girlfriend.

She loves me.

I gotta go.

You guys want to come to a party at my house?

I'm in love!

Do you have egg-free eggnog? I'm ovo-adverse.

There you are!

I love the eggnog. Love it!

I'm a little tipsy.

Wow. I knew you were talented

but I didn't realize you were this talented.

This place is amazing.

You do all this on a dishwasher salary?

- I'm paying you too much! - Craigslist, free section.

I'm gonna have to fire you.

Get in the pants you need.

You've got professional grade style, soldier.

- Own it! - Owned.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I was rude.

Do you forgive me?

I shouldn't have tried to make you do Valentine's Day.

Yes, you should. It's...

Happy Valentine's Day, Clarice.

Chocolate?

Somebody already had one.

Clarice, this is Nelson. He's my friend.

- Nelson, this is... - Janet.

- It's Clarice. - Enchanté.

How nice.

What charming underclothes you both have on.

Mom!

You have people. I wasn't exp...

- Oh, hello Clarice. - Hello, Mrs. Rotnase.

Merry Christmas!

Mom, come meet all my friends.

Oh, no, no. I can't stay.

You don't want me here.

Of course I do. You're my mom.

- I love you. - I love you too, dear.

I'm sorry. I have been terrible.

No. Don't say that.

You weren't.

I used to think that about myself

for a long time and it's not true.

I'm all right.

We're all right.

Not...

- perfect. - Far from perfect.

Your father would be very proud of you.

Listen, I just stopped by to talk to Clarice.

You know, woman to cat.

Hi, kitten!

You wanted to talk to me, Miss Rotnase?

Call me Donna.

After we spoke, I realized...

I was being selfish.

A boy doesn't wanna be with his mother on Valentine's Day.

Valentine's is something his father and I would...

You'll always be my girl.

♪ One two three four ♪

♪ I don't even care If it isn't really Christmas ♪

♪ I don't even care If it isn't really Christmas ♪

♪ I want a Christmas Pizza party ♪

♪ Fancy cheeses like havarti ♪

♪ Tinsel trees endowed with bos Ornaments on my toes ♪

♪ Wrapping paper everywhere Friends are flying in the air ♪

♪ Everybody have some fun ♪

♪ The Christmas season's Just begun ♪

♪ Cookies, candies, caramel ♪

♪ Cranberry sauce Is hard to sell ♪

♪ Of course I like A roasted turkey ♪

♪ But I am a little quirky ♪

♪ Pepperoni pizza Is the reason for the season ♪

♪ Christmas, Clarice A Christmas pizza, Clarice ♪

♪ A Christmas pizza, Clarice A Christmas pizza, Clarice ♪

- ♪ I'll share my piece ♪ - That's so nice of you!

- ♪ With my Clarice ♪ - Hey, thanks!

♪ Eat it in a cemetery It's very scary ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Clarice Merry Christmas, Clarice ♪

♪ Merry Christmas Clarice ♪

Merry Christmas, Clarice!

And...

action!

Rudy Rotnase is offering Christmas joy

to residents of Moonracer's Assisted Living Center,

with a Christmas in July party.

It's kind of a misfit holiday for the summer.

Wouldn't you agree?

Why are you doing this for the residents, Rudy?

I like Christmas.

Obviously.

This is Dolly Muneca, reporting from Moonracer

Assisted Living Center on July 4th.

Happy Independence Day and Merry misfit Christmas.

♪ There are 365 And a quarter days each year ♪

♪ But 364 And a quarter days each year ♪

♪ Just suck ♪

♪ They suck suck suck suck suck Suck suck suck suck suck ♪

♪ Christmas is the very best Christmas is the very best ♪

- ♪ Christmas is the best day ♪ - Ho, ho, ho!

♪ I don't hear what you say ♪

♪ About the other holidays ♪

♪ Like Valentine's And New Year's Day ♪

♪ Thanksgiving And Mother's Day ♪

♪ Father's Day And Cousin's Day ♪

♪ And Sister's day And Brother's Day ♪

♪ Tell me what's so great You gotta celebrate your DNA ♪

♪ Martin Luther King Day And Keep The Planet Green Day ♪

♪ Don't hate me Cause I feel this way ♪

♪ It's bullying awareness day ♪

♪ Flag Day, Labor Day ♪

♪ Arbor Day, Saturday ♪

♪ Apparently whatever Day ♪

♪ If you don't have To work that day ♪

♪ Halloween ♪

♪ Juneteenth ♪

♪ Day of prayer For the facial hair ♪

♪ Of wolverine ♪

♪ Wear Gorilla pants Day ♪

♪ Stare off in a trance Day ♪

♪ Get Up At The Beat Day To dance on Harvey Milk Day ♪

♪ You will survive ♪

♪ You will survive ♪

♪ You will survive ♪

♪ You will survive ♪

♪ Groundhog Day and Earth Day ♪

♪ Boxing Day And Lincoln's birthday ♪

♪ My birthday ♪

♪ And as for Independence Day ♪

♪ Just wave your flag And go away ♪

♪ Cause Christmas is The very best ♪

♪ Christmas is the very best ♪

♪ Christmas is the best day ♪

- Ho, ho, ho! - ♪ Christmas party ♪

♪ Christmas party Christmas party ♪

♪ I want another Christmas Tonight ♪

♪ I want another Christmas Tonight ♪

♪ I want another Christmas Tonight ♪

♪ Christmas party ♪

♪ Christmas party Christmas party ♪

Merry Christmas, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull