All language subtitles for the.goldbergs.2013.s08e01.1080p.web.h264-cakes

Back in the '80s,
"Airplane!" was

the pinnacle sky‐high spoof.

And Leon's getting larger!

It was packed with
so many laughs, gags, and puns,

you couldn't keep up.

And guess who knew it
line‐by‐line.

Surely, you can't be serious.

I am serious.

And don't call me Shirley.

It's an adverb, but he thinks
it's a ladies' name!

It can't get any better!

Look how happy this movie
makes you. It's so cute.

You're the cute one.

If you were a board game,
you'd be Cutes N' Ladders.

If you were a cereal,
you'd be Cutie Pebbles.

If you were a mathematician,
you'd be Sir Isaac Cute‐on.

Enough! You're both disgusting!

Ren and I are so in sync,
we even finish each other's...

Sentences.
...word groupings.
That counts.

Young, new love.

So very, very stupid.

Yep, when you've been together
as long as we have,

there's no need
to prove anything.

Last night, we went to dinner

and didn't say
a single word grouping.

Listen up,
sweet pits of my peach.

What's the greatest thing
to ever happen to this family?

When Barry fell
in Aunt Dotty's open grave.

Best day of our lives.

We were grieving,
and I brought joy.

Even better!
We're flying to Miami!

Oh‐ho‐ho‐ho‐ho!

Come on, Erica, take on
the rhythm of the night!

Pass. We are gonna spend
our last few days

before college starts together,
and that's that.

I had a feeling
you were gonna say that,

which is why
Geoff's invited, too.

I'm finally
a part of the family!

After years of personal
indignities, I feel so special!

Don't. Because Brea and Ren
are also in.

Noyce!

Ren, this is the perfect time

for us to get back
on the same...

Page! ...airplane!

What's up with you?!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There is no way that Dad
would pay for all of us

to fly and stay in a hotel.

What's your scheme,
Blondie?
No scheme.

Remember when I screamed
at that woman at the Sheraton

because the complimentary
champagne was too cold?

Mandy from Fort Wayne
cried so much.

The manager gave me 50 free
nights to leave the premises.

So we all win.

Yes!

I get to do "Airplane!" bits
on an actual airplane!

"Looks like I picked the wrong
week to quit sniffing glue."

That's one of them.

Come on, kids. Feel the pulsing
rhythm of Mama's hips!

Whoo! Ohh!

Ow! Oh, sorry!

It was the end of summer,
1980‐something,

and before we took to the skies,

there were a few things
to take care of on the ground.

Thank you so much
for packing in here

under my watchful eye.

You'll be happy to know

this is a bag
full of hand weights.

Damn it!

Idiot, these bags
are for clothes.

That's why my fanny pack
has everything I need ‐‐

two bikinis, my scrunchy,
and browning oil.

Someone's forgetting about
the cool Latin nights.

And that right there

is why I've gone ahead
and packed for you.

These bags and the other 12 in
the car should keep you covered.

This one's empty.

That is for
all the hotel freebies

that it is our divine right
to take.

Like shampoo? Obviously.

But I'm talking so much more.

Robes, towels,
the pens, stationery,

batteries from the remote,
the remote,

pillows, hair dryer,

iron, clock radio,

and curtains,
both window and shower.

Why not take the TV, too?

Because that's stealing, Erica.

What the hell's going on?

I've been waiting in the car
for 16 minutes.

Murray, the flight doesn't leave
for six hours.

We're not even in the air
half that long.

Thank you, Amilio Airhead.

Have you taken into
consideration the traffic,

the parking, the shuttle?
I guess not.

That's the smartest thing
you've ever said.

I'll be waiting in the car.

This trip is gonna be
so special.

How special?

Why did you pack me
a cocktail dress?

Just in case.

Just in case what?

In case, uh, Edward James Olmos

invites us for Mojitos
on his cigarette boat.

You got to keep an open mind.

The only thing open are my eyes.

You're definitely
up to something,

and I'm gonna find out what.

Yeah, Dad did an angry
8‐point turn in the driveway.

He's ready.

Packing may not have been
our bag,

but we were on our way to...

We were all super excited
to go to Miami ‐‐

except for my dad, who was
totally terrified of flying.

How do they get all that metal
up in the air?

It makes no sense.

It also doesn't make any sense
how much you're sweating.

Ha! He thinks
we're all gonna die. This guy.

If the plane doesn't
kill you, I will.

Looks like it's time for someone
to take their sleepy pills.

But that's my allergy meds.

What happens
if I run into some buckwheat

and my face gets puffy?

More of you to love,
schmoopaloo.

Wow. So much has happened,

and we haven't even made it
to the ticket counter.

This is nothing.

Good rule of thumb ‐‐

as the plane goes higher,
our appeal goes lower.

Hey, guys.
What the hell is this?

I thought it'd be fun to dress
like Crockett from "Miami Vice."

I'm Crockett from "Miami Vice."

Okay. I'll be Tubbs, then.

Ooh, I like Tubbs.

You do? Switch it. I'm Tubbs.

Fine, Crockett it is.
Yeah,
Crockett is the man.

No, I'm the man!
I have to be Crockett.

Back to Tubbs.
Not fair.
I have to be Tubbs.

Can you just tell me
who you want to be?

I will be Crockett and Tubbs,
also known as Crubbs.

Great.
Great,
and I'll be sitting

in the back of the plane
with you, confused.

Not in the back.

For my special lady,
only first class will do.

Barry, is this
because I told you

I flew to St. Barts
in my parents' private plane?

Did you?

I'd already forgotten
you spent your summer

and a lifetime
in the lap of luxury.

I'm telling you coach is fine.

See, I'm gonna be a doctor
for the 76ers,

occasionally
coming off the bench

to windmill jam
in Karl Malone's face.

My life will be one
of pampered excess,

and my classy lady
doesn't sit in coach

with the sky trash.

Aww.

Wait, you got us tickets
on Oceanic?

Yes, Murray. You told me
to get the cheapest.

Yeah, I meant with yogurt,

not taking a flying go‐kart
to your cousin's thing.

Shh! The kids don't know
that's why we're going.

I don't even know
why we're going.

I told you, it's Mitzy's son's
Bar Mitzvah.

And once Bradley becomes a man,

I will become the object
of Mitzy's envy

because my family
is so attractive.

You know, once the kids find out
you're dragging them to Miami

for a religious thing,
they're not gonna be happy.

Oh, but they will.

They will.

You see? Something's up.

Whenever Mom has a secret plan,

she always moves her fingers
by her mouth,

like a demented gerbil.

Well, maybe the secret plan
is something very cool.

What are you talking about?

I accidentally hinted to Geoff

that we were gonna sit front row

at a jai alai match
with Miami Sound Machine.

Why would anyone believe
those words?

Because they know their mama
would do anything for them.

They'll be all dressed up
and excited, and then, boom!

Everyone's lifting me up
on a chair.

Your mom let slip
she has a big surprise.

Now, I'm not gonna say a word,

but it would be a high lie

for me to say I'm not excited

to meet
a certain Latin songstress,

of whom I'm a huge Este‐fan.

Holy crap.

Are we going to a jai alai match

with Gloria Estefan
and Miami Sound Machine?

No. Maybe. Yes.

Damn it, Geoff! Be stronger!

Once we're in that sweltering,
windowless ballroom,

they'll have a blast
and forget all about

my phony promises
of skin and sand.

You know, the pills
must be kicking in.

'Cause I don't care.

My mom wouldn't build a trip
around some weird sport

and a Latin pop orchestra.

Geoff, you're in charge of
getting to the bottom of this.

On it. Also, what a great start
to a relaxing vacation.

Hi. Barry Goldberg,
AKA "Crubbs."

Can I just say
that is an ugly vest,

but somehow you manage
to pull it off.
Thank you?

My girlfriend and I are ticketed
to be in steerage,

but we've been apart all summer,

and I want this trip
to be truly special.

That is so adorable!

So, if you can get us
an upgrade,

I would sincerely appreciate it.

You're in luck. Two seats left.

Yes! Eat my dust,
second‐class garbage people.

That'll be $5,000.

What?!
Bar,
I told you it's fine.

It's not, okay?

You deserve first class.
It's your birthright.

As it's mine to visit
the captain in the cockpit

so we can acknowledge each other
as alpha males

and he can let me flip switches
and make bomber noises.

Come on, everyone.
We're heading to the gate.

Oh, and I just want to
double‐check

that the three of you told Pops
we did not need him

to drive us to the airport.

Yes.
Uh‐huh.
We said those words
exactly.

They had not.

Hey, don't take too much time!

You'd hate to miss your flight!

Did everyone go potty?

Cargo hold's all clear, Mrs. G.

Brea? Ren? Pishy and boom, hmm?

Trust me,
the less time you spend

in a sky toilet, the better.

Um... What's happening?

What's happening was
it was time to board.

Flying in the '80s was a little
different than it is now.

First, there was no security.

What's this?

Nunchucks? Throwing stars?

Rope dart?

Cool.

Have a great flight. Thanks.

Then there was getting on
the actual plane.

It was... well, less organized.

Three... two... one...

board!

Get low and use your elbows!

Of course, my mom
usually got us on first,

and once we were on,

that's when
the real adventure began.

It won't recline. Ugh!

Oh. Mine won't, either.

Unacceptable
for my swanky angel!

Hey, we're switching, okay?

These seats won't go back.

You're made of Silly Putty,

so your body can fit
in any container.

No way.

Accommodate me,

or I'll do something
very Barry‐like.

It's okay. I'd rather
not see, hear, or smell
whatever that means.

Gah!

Isn't this sumptuous, baby?

Now my jacked thighs
can breathe.

Are these seats
still not reclining properly?

We have two available
in first class.

Come with me.

Oh. Wow.

What?

This can't be happening.

And yet it is.
Have fun back here.

This can't get any worse.

I think I'm in the middle there.

Damn it! There goes
my natural spreading room.

While Barry's upgrade
got denied,

Brea and I were getting comfy.

So, this trip.

Just me and you.

I mean, I know we spend
a lot of time together,

but this is gonna be
all day, every day.

You know, maybe there's
still stuff that we don't
know about each other.

Maybe. Check this out.

Dan? Can I ask you a question?

Question. What is it?

It's a sentence that's worded
to elicit information,

but that's not important
right now.

Have you ever been
to a Turkish prison?

The "Airplane!" movie.

I can't wait to attend
to your every need.

Why is there a guy on the wing?!

He's a mechanic.

Hey! The plane is broken!

We won't make it!

Don't worry, everyone.

He's just a nervous flier, um,

with a bit of a nervous tummy.

So let's keep
the mid‐cabin lavatory

available to him at all times.

Who is this lady?

In short, the last person

you'd ever want to be
on your flight.

Naturally, flying with
my family was no joyride.

A Chablis for my husband,
please.

Especially
for the flight attendants.

Is this plane really flying
to Miami?

We've got clearance, Clarence.

What's the vector, Victor?
Roger, Roger.

Would you let the captain know

I'd like to drop by the cockpit?

You're gonna have to deal
with this baby's mother.

I got her to stop crying,
and yet I'm the bad guy?

Blink once
if my mother is forcing you

to take part in her scheme.

Do you like movies
about gladiators?

That lady has
the drink cart again.

Drink up.

Yep, it usually got so bad,

those poor sky stewards
had no choice but to do this.

Our apologies.

The call button system
has been disconnected.

Also, I know it seems like
we've been flying for hours,

but we'll be taking off shortly.

This really is
a discount airline.

I'm gonna go
speak to the captain

about some flight vouchers.

Okay, my dad's alone and loopy.

Go pump him for intel.

Erica, is this really necessary?

Yes. I mean, this whole trip
makes no sense.

When does my mom just
give us stuff out of the blue?

Adam has like 5,000 toys,

Barry has every sporting good
known to man,

and you have more musical
instruments than you even
know how to play.

What's a zither?

Something I need
to be happy. Go!

Erica knew
my mom was hiding something,

and lucky for Geoff,
my dad was on something.

Hey, Mr. Goldberg. How goes it?

So sleepy.

Okay, you seem
incredibly drugged,

so I'll just cut
right to the chase.

Your daughter is a little bit
suspicious about this trip.

Bradley's a man now.

Wait, like,
Cousin Mitzy's Bradley?

Bar Mitzvah boy.

Is that why
we're going to Miami?

We'll all be dancing the hora.

Geoffrey, can I speak to you
alone, please?

No, that's okay.

And it's happening!

Do you know what the
most important thing
in the world to me is?

Mrs. G, as you know,
I'm incredibly claustrophobic.

Family.

The family that
you are now a part of.

There's not a lot of air
in here. Throat's getting tight.

Oh, no! I just flushed
the toilet with my foot!

You have to promise
to keep my secret.

Secrets are what hold
a family together

and make it strong.

You know what else is strong,
is your grip.

Shh. Yep.

Tummy trouble for this one.

What the hell was that?

Your mom helped me
through some bathroom
issues, and nothing more!

Hey, folks.
This is your captain.

There's a large storm brewing.

It's gonna get bumpy,
so hang on to those cigarettes.

Despite the rough air, we were
finally ready for takeoff.

That's right.
And knowing my family,
it was gonna get even bumpier.

The Goldbergs were in the air.

And while my dad was out cold,
Barry was still fired up.

Barry, enough!

Let him have it. He's the one
stuck in the middle.

In more ways than one.

No one's talking to you, Middle.

Bar, just try to focus
on the good stuff, okay?

We're going to Miami together.

You're right. This is special.

It really is.

Not for me.

But I want it to be
more than special.

Which is why
you should be in first class.

Outta my way.

Crubbs a‐comin' through!

So, look, there's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Um, this is kinda hard for me.

Surely, you can't be serious.

Actually, I am.

And don't call you Shirley?

I set you up,
but you missed that one.

It feels like you're missing it.

Uh‐oh. Trouble in nerd paradise?

Barry, not now.

You two should
hash things out in coach,

where commoners like yourselves
stare out the window

and dream of better lives
that will never materialize.

Okay, Bar, it's painfully clear

you're insecure
about Ren's parents being rich.

Am not.

I don't care she has
a butler with a turban,

like in "Annie."

Just take your bickering
to the air slums.

Never.

Our unbreakable bond
will see us through anything.

Brea, I'm sorry about
all the "Airplane!" jokes.

So you'll stop and we can talk?

Of course. What's on your mind?

Hey, the fog is getting thicker.

One of the best
"Airplane!" bits.

Barry knew I was powerless
to the comedy

and had to finish the joke.

And Leon's getting larger!

I'm out. I'm sorry!

He set me up!

But you gotta admit
it's a classic line.

Enjoy first class, Barry.

Tell Ren I'll grab a cookie,
get the lay of the land,

and send for her.

While Barry was settling in,

Erica wasn't letting Geoff
get comfortable.

Oh, let me give you this pillow.

Sleepy time's over. Now talk.

There's nothing to talk about!

And now I got sandwich
on my Crockett pants!

Erica could care less
about linen pants.

She knew
she had to get Geoff to crack.

Oh, no! It's happening again!

I know you know
what my mom is up to.

Windpipe so tight, but also
our bodies are pressed so close.

Conflicting feelings.

Not to worry, folks.

My boyfriend
got extreme diarrhea,

but nothing I can't handle.

Geoff, do you need me to help
you with your extreme diarrhea?

He's fine.

He was holding something in,
but it's all out now.

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

That's an adult man!

Murray.

Too many "Airplane!" jokes?
Impossible.

What's impossible is how sweet
the sea beef is.

I'm gonna mow through three more
and get Ren.

Yo, idiots.

Erica? How'd you get up here?

Yeah, I defeated
the impenetrable security

that is a curtain with Velcro.

Listen up, because the rest of
this trip is going to be hell.

Murray, are you in there?

Ohh.

Excuse me.

Um, you've over‐served
my husband,

and now he's trapped
in the bathroom.

They're having a lot
of issues in there.

I can't get it open. Something's
wedged against the door.

Must be my grumpy bear.

Excuse me.

Uh, is there a licensed
locksmith on the plane?

My husband
is trapped in our bathroom.

Well, you better get him out,
because he's the only one

that's going with you
to that Bar Mitzvah.

That's right. We all know.

Geoffrey, that was
our special bathroom secret!

I'm sorry, Mrs. G.

Also, I would like to announce

that I do not have
extreme diarrhea.

No one cares about
your jacked‐up butt, Geoff!

All they care about is that
our garbage mom lied to us!

Folks, the PA system is
for the cabin crew only.

So, there's no beach.

You still get to groove to
slightly out‐of‐date pop tunes

with middle schoolers.

No way! We're not going
anywhere with you!

This is the captain.

I can't fly with someone
trapped in the lavatory.

We're making
an emergency landing.

Hi.

I'm Barry Goldberg, the rival
stag you've been smelling.

Get back to your seats.

Surely, you can't be serious.

If you don't,
I'll have you arrested.

That's... not the line.

Yep, the Goldbergs
were officially grounded

and my mom's Bar Mitzvah dreams
all but over.

Well, there's not another
flight out until tomorrow,

and they won't let us
back on the plane,

so I guess
we'll just go back home.

It's what you all wanted,
anyway.

Well, I'm not gonna feel bad
about this.

Me, neither. If anything, she
should be apologizing to us.

Bar Mitzvah or not,
it's still a trip to Miami.

Yeah, which is ruining
our last week of summer.

And because of that, I've
developed a drinking problem.

That's from "Airplane!"
but it works here.

It really doesn't.

Look, Adam, I've been trying
to tell you something

this whole flight,

something I've been able to hide
our entire relationship.

This happens a lot.
She's in love with me.

Definitely not.

It's this.

So much metal.

I have to wear this 10 hours
a day until my jaw's realigned.

What an intense chin strap.

I was embarrassed about it,

but turns out
you're much more embarrassing.

Is that cowhide?

Well, I think we can all agree

this is our mom's fault.

She's the worst.

Or maybe you are.

I‐I'm sorry,
but I was forced into

that tiny sky bathroom
too many times.

And all your mom wanted to do
was show you guys off.

That tracks. We are the best.

It doesn't change the fact
that she tricked us into coming.

I had to!

Do you guys remember

my cousin Larry's son's wedding
last year?

Or Great Aunt Peggy's funeral?

Or the 90th birthday dinner
for Uncle Leonard?

No. Who?

I have a very busy schedule.

Exactly, 'cause every time
there's a big event,

none of you will come with me.

I've got these great kids,

and all anyone knows about them
is that they never show up.

Oh, man, she went
and made it real.

Sometimes I can't believe
what I have ‐‐

a son who's gonna be a doctor...

and another one
who's so imaginative,

I'm constantly in awe...

and a daughter
who's as smart and tough

as any woman I've ever known.

Just want the rest of the family
to see what I have.

Yikes.

Yeah.

I didn't know we had
an Uncle Leonard, either.

Idiots, we have to do something.

But what?

Sometimes to make things right,

you have to do something
very wrong.

With that, we unleashed

our embarrassing,
shameful Goldberg fury.

You don't understand.
We have to get on that plane.

Erica channeled
her inner Beverly

by going nuclear
on customer service.

Barry showed the captain
who was really in charge.

And I weaponized
my love of "Airplane!"

to wear down the gate agent.

They love me.

They really love me!

Eh, I hope that's what this is.

And before long,
against all odds,

we were on our way again
to Miami.

Oh, no! They promised me
you wouldn't be back!

Don't worry. You can take
the aisle if you want.

I'd rather sit
next to my girlfriend.

You sure you don't want to be
in first class?

I don't know
what I was thinking.

The seat next to you
is the best one there is.

I'm out. I'll meet my birth
mother some other time.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Hey, that's what family does.

I mean, we're not family family,

but I'm kind of
in your family, but ‐‐

Shh.

We're definitely family.

For the record,

I think you look adorable
in your headgear.

Really?

I hate it so much.

It means we have even more
in common than we thought.

You have headgear, too?

And corrective lenses
for my lazy eye,

special inserts
for my flat feet,

and like
five different inhalers.

I guess we're both
kind of a mess, then.

As long as we're a mess
together.

Oh. Right. These don't recline.

You can lean on me instead.

Roger, Roger.

Turns out my love
of one little movie

rubbed off in an unexpected way.

Ooh, first class, Murray!

I could get used to this.

Bevy, for you,
I'd fly to the moon.

What was that?!

Just the engine.

We're gonna need
all of your Chablises.

With that,
we took to the skies ‐‐ again.

And eventually, we made it
to Bradley's Bar Mitzvah.

Sure, we traded the sun and
sand for bubbies and a buffet,

but our mom was right.

It was worth it.

We had the best time ever

because we had everything
we needed right there.

We had each other.

With the power of wind,

airplanes will always
hit the ground.

Whee! We're flying!

Gee, this is great.

Hold on. Hold on.

Aaaaah!

What's this button do?
I told you
not to touch anything.

Check it out! It's Otto
the Autopilot from "Airplane!"

I'll take it from here!

Do not touch the controls
with your toy!

Toy?! This is a certified
replica movie prop.

Attention, passengers,
this is your new top gun,

Barry Goldberg,
call sign Strike Eagle Seven.

Prepare yourselves
for a barrel roll.

Get off that!

Otto's got a leak.

We need to make
an emergency landing ‐‐

or get some Scotch tape.

Look, this button says
"fuel dump."

Ha ha ha! Dump!

No!

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