Original subtitles

(music) heard of a van that is loaded with weapons (music)

(music) packed up and ready to go (music)

(music) heard of some gravesites out by the highway (music)

(music) a place where nobody knows (music)

(music) the sound of gunfire off in the distance (music)

(music) I'm getting used to it now (music)

(music) lived in a brownstone I've lived in the ghetto (music)

(music) I've lived all over this town (music)

(music) this ain't no party this ain't no disco (music)

(music) this ain't no foolin' around (music)

(music) no time for dancin' or lovey-dovey (music)

(music) I ain't got time for that now (music)

(music) transmit the message to the receiver (music)

(music) Hope for an answer someday (music)

(music) I got three passports (music)

(music) a couple of visas (music)

(music) Don't even know my real name (music)

(music) high on the hillside trucks are loading (music)

(music) everything's ready to roll (music)

(music) I-I-I sleep in the daytime I work in the nighttime (music)

(music) I might not ever get home (music)

(music) this ain't no party this ain't no disco (music)

(music) this ain't no foolin' around (music)

[ groans ]

[ woman ] dirt-box.

You should've washed once in the last ten years. Washing's overrated.

I'm trusting you, Colm. It's me getting you in.

Just 'cause you can't hold a job.

Hurts. Hurtin'. It was strings I was pullin'.

They've already a barber. But I'm Mr. Skills.

You've to make me look good. It's both of us work there now.

Need a hand holdin' him down, Bronagh ? I can handle him.

Thanks for the sandwiches, Mrs. O�Neill.

You're always welcome here, Bronagh.

It's disgusting in there. Squeezing blackheads ?

It's just so erotic.

[ Bronagh ] there's only five of us now, including you.

Only five what ? Only five catholics.

In the whole nuthouse ? Aye. Working.

All the patients are almost all catholic.

Right. He's in there.

You're on your best behavior, you hear ?

Meep-meep ! Sadistic. Masochistic.

Oh !

The new catholic.

- The new barber. - I'm only slaggin'.

I'll do the honors.

You'll have no problem remembering. We're all billys.

- Billy Jewel. - How are ya ?

Billy Weatherly.

- How are ya ? - Billy Evans.

Nice to meet ya.

- Bill Wilson. - Bill.

- Billy William. - Billy.

I'm Billy King. They call me King Billy. No offense.

- None taken. You're the boss man ? - That's debatable.

All right, Colm.

The other fella's, uh, a good fella.

Protestant fella.

Do you like poetry ?

Not really. Whatever you do, don't mention poetry.

He's into poetry. He's the pain in the rectum.

So, you're into poetry ?

Do you like poetry ?

Sure, I guess. My granny wrote a bit.

Your granny ? Was she ever published ?

She had a poem in the telegraph when she died.

What was the subject ?

It was weird. It was something to do with your woman from the Wizard of Oz.

Judy Garland. I love her. Aye, her.

Well, she's all right. Like, yeah.

Oh, was it an ode ? Or was she into Judy Garland ?

She liked her like, yeah.

That's fantastic.

His name was Colm, the hairdressing man.

His granny had a poem in the telly.

Felly-welly...

Had a jelly old belly...

For the mother of Liza Minnelli.

That's very good there. Bit of a talent.

Come in handy with the ladies ?

From the mountain of mourne to hades.

You should be drivin' a Mercedes.

I'd like to borrow Warren Beatty�s.

1980s--

Euphrates.

Right. Where do you want him, boys ?

Why don't you take him, Colm ? [ speaking, indistinct ]

Up you go. Get you all cleaned up.

I'll just be sitting over here waiting for ya, all right ?

Hello there, sir.

You know, I've been meaning to ask somebody.

Do you know where they're holding the Eurovision song contest this year ?

'cause I've been hearing Helsinki-- [ yelling ]

Derrick.

Derrick !

Put the man down, Derrick !

Right. Right. So-- clear !

[ electrical static ] [ groans ]

It's just a bit off the back and sides.

[ George ] so we're chasing this wee bastard up the road. [ Colm ] the joyrider ?

Right. He's doing about 80 up the Shan kill Road.

In your cousin's car ? Aye, the thievin' git.

Were you driving ? My cousin was driving, but it was my car, like.

Your cousin's drivin' your escort and the skinhead's drivin' his car.

My cousin's car. Right. Next !

So, he whips it up this street.

Me and my cousin in hot pursuit.

And I'm telling my cousin to give it up and he's not listening.

He's like a demon. So the kid's making a beeline up the mountain.

Up to the racetrack. Have you ever driven on that road ?

Aye, sort of it. It's a racetrack. The road's so smooth.

It's a fuckin' racetrack. It's a road and a fuckin' racetrack.

You can drive on it, even if you're not in a race.

Precisely. So we're still right up his arse, right ?

In my car. And we go faster and faster...

Till we're fuckin' flyin'.

And the car starts to shake and shudder.

It was not meant for high-speed pursuit, the ford escort.

And I feel the fuckin' g-forces stretchin' me cheeks...

Like a fuckin' astronaut. Jesus.

Like I'm frozen to the seat in terror. Jesus.

And I look over at the speedometer, and it says...

A hundred and ninety.

A hundred and ninety ? A hundred and ninety.

- Would you fuck off. A hundred and ninety ? - I swear to God. 190.

In an escort ? In an escort.

All right. It's 4:00 in the morning, it's Christmas Eve,

And I'm chasing some kid around a fuckin' racetrack at a hundred and ninety.

In an escort ? In an escort.

Did you catch him ?

The engine blew up. He died ?

No, our engine blew up. You're kidding.

I hadn't put oil in it. And it blew up ?

I'm not a handyman. The joyrider got away ?

The engine exploded. The lesson was taught.

It hadn't seen oil since the day it was bought.

- Seven years. - You didn't put oil in it for seven years.

I forgot. I'm not a handyman.

Your cousin pissed off ? Second degree burns.

He was burnt ? Face, neck and hands.

Were you burnt ? Not a scratch.

Jesus. He hasn't spoken to me since.

Jesus. We were very close, him and I.

Was he scarred ? Holy fuck. A bit, aye.

Did they find his car ? Aye, the next day.

Was nothing wrong with the car ? There was one thing.

Stolen. His radio ?

No. All his Elton John tapes were missing.

Quite a collection. The bastard stole all of his Elton John tapes.

He's fantastic.

Elton John ? Aye.

Fuckin' genius.

[ man ] (music) oh, Ruby (music)

(music) oh, Ruby (music)

(music) Don't take your love to time (music)

The scalper.

What are you going on about ? Your man ?

The fresh nutter. The scalper.

What, like getting tickets to a concert ?

No, like a real scalper. He flipped.

He literally scalped four people.

- Jesus Christ. - Some hairpiece fella.

Had enough. Started scalping some of his customers.

Did you ever scalp a man, George ?

[ George ] hairpieces ? [ orderly ] he had the only company.

- What, like a monopoly ? - No. Just him.

He had the only hairpiece company in all of Northern Ireland.

- In all of Northern Ireland ? - In all of northern Ireland.

- Who has it now ? - Nobody.

Well, how would somebody go about contacting...

All those, you know, unserviced baldies ?

- He has a list. - A list ? - He keeps it in his bible.

I'm after having an idea. An epiphany.

[ Colm ] some Scottish fella. He was into the hairpieces.

He threw a wobbler, started scalping his customers. [ Bronagh ] Jesus.

He was the only hairpiece fella in all of northern Ireland.

He was loaded. Fucker had two jacuzzis.

Two ? Aye. The wee ones. One for each foot.

And you wanna go in on it with George ? Aye.

You butter the catholics, George the protestants. Sounds good.

Nonsectarian-like. Pacifists.

Pacifists make good money. You ever heard of a broke pacifist ?

Exactly.

And what about the nuthouse ?

I've had it up to here with that place. Oh, Colm.

What ? You've only been working there for two days.

On to bigger and better things, baby.

There's only one thing I'm not looking forward to. What's that ?

We're gonna have to talk to the scalper.

Dim the light.

You not frightened ?

Are you not in it above your heads ?

You think I was predisposed. [ grunts ]

A genetic inevitable. What ?

A nutter...

Waiting for the one word that'll set him off.

What ?

Ah, you've balls. You pity me.

You greedy little children...

Want to survive.

You greedy, sad little children,

You want to triumph.

[ coughing ]

I swallowed a fly. Done it before.

Full of protein.

Six legs, four wings and eighteen eyes.

But I beat the fucker.

Did you ever read saint Paul's letter to the hermaphrodites ?

It says,

"dear hermaphrodites,

"go fuck yourselves.

"yours sincerely,

Saint Paul."

You dare...

Strut through the valley of death ?

Where's your fear of the venal ?

Where's your sense of Christianity,

You greedy, sad little children ?

You want the list ? The names ?

The cash ? The triumph ? Answer !

- Yes. - Yes ?

Y-yes.

One reason why.

One reason why.

It's yours if...

Your answer pleases me.

Must be very clever. What ?

Why you ?

Why ?

We're bored ?

What ?

What the fuck's a hermaphrodite ? I think I'm after soiling myself.

[ Colm ] the scalper gave us his franchise for wigs of Wimbledon.

We're the only hairpiece company in all of Northern Ireland.

[ George ] we've a monopoly on hairpieces. [ woman ] that's dead on.

Was your man an Indian ? He's doing very well.

Sit still, kemosabe.

What page are we on ? One.

He had a Volvo and a house on the Malone road.

We've his client list. A Volvo ?

I love Volvos. Are those good ? Aye.

Did youse get to see the scalps ?

It says you have to twist. You have to twist this around.

- What do you mean, twist ? - Twist. - Cut off his circulation.

That's too tight. Slobber up.

- Did you hear the name ? - The what ? - [ Colm ] name of the company.

Is it good ? Bronagh came up with it.

- He's a prod. - Who's "he" ?

[ Colm ] George is a protestant. [ George ] it's good.

- [ Colm ] and I'm a catholic. - I know that, son.

The Piece People.

P-I-e-c-e. Do you get it ?

Hairpieces. Do you not get it ?

It's very good. [ Colm ] The Piece People.

You were always the clever one, Bronagh.

It's for the nicotine, George.

[ Colm ] it stains her hair.

The knickers act like a buffer. From the nicotine.

It's just knickers, George.

Aye.

There's no highfalutin here, George.

Was this on somebody's head ?

[ George ] it's just a sample. [ Colm ] it's just for show.

Does it fit anybody, like ? It fits nobody here. Come here. Give me that.

Jesus. Fuck me. Oh, sorry, Mrs. O�Neill.

George, this is in the back.

"our all-natural toupees contain real, organic hair,

"collected across the European continent...

"from such reputable sources as the Lithuanian hair collective in vilinius...

"and the sisters de medici convent in Rome...

- Ah, Jesus. - Catholic nuns.

Where all the profits go to the church."

Ah, Jesus.

- The Roman catholic church. - Nun hair. That's a gas.

Jesus.

- You still in it, George ? - I'm not so sure about it now.

You're gonna be spending eternity in hell with us catholics now, George.

What are we forgetting ?

Cellophane ? Check.

Sticky tape ? Double-sided.

Marker ? What else ? Marker.

I think that's it. Are we forgetting something ?

It feels like we're forgetting something.

Will I do the taping and the writing ? Aye, and I'll do the twisting.

Right. Right.

Right.

Right.

Act like you know what you're doing.

Yes ?

From ballymuck to ards,

From chapel to steeple,

Be sure to bet your cards on the oul piece people.

Okay.

Hello. We're The Piece People.

Look, I'm proud of youse. But what are you bothering me for ?

We're here for the hairpiece demonstration.

Is this some sort of government thing ? No, sir.

'cause I don't know who you've been talking to, but she's a fuckin' liar.

- Who's a liar ? - I'm a good Christian man.

A man who's avoided the sins of the flesh. That's great.

- My body is a temple. - Could we come inside, sir ?

I don't know who you've been talking to, but she's a fuckin' liar.

- You'll find no herpes here. - Herpes ?

Isn't that what you said ? No, sir. Hairpieces.

Oh.

Thought you said herpes. No, sir.

No. So, what do you want ?

We're with the hairpieces.

Okay.

You had an appointment for a hairpiece.

You've the wrong house. I don't think so.

- I think so. - It says 137 Dunmurry Lane.

But I've no appointment. I think I don't. I think you do.

- Are you Mr. Black ? - Who wants to know ?

We have an appointment with a Mr. Black. Is that you ?

- Maybe, but I've no fucking appointment. - You fucking do.

- I fucking don't ! - Have you ever considered getting one ?

- What ? A hairpiece ? - Yes.

- Like this one. - Would you come in with that ?

As a matter of fact, I have considered it, actually.

Sheds years off your appearance.

Here. Give us a go, Will ya ?

Yeah.

That's dead on.

Ah, shit. You know what ? What ?

I can't take this. It needs why not ? The sticky tape.

No, it's nice and all, but, uh, see, my part's on the right.

Pardon ? My natural part.

I always parted my hair on the right. Aye ?

Well, this here wig parts on the left. Right.

I'd feel weird. It looks great.

No, it looks nice and all, but the part's on the left. You see ?

- How's that ? - [ laughing ]

That's fuckin' brilliant. [ laughing ]

What's you want for it ? Fifty.

Fifty quid ? Are you sick ? No, thanks, boys.

Forty. Thirty. Thirty-five. Twenty-five.

We're supposed to haggle with him. Twenty-five's our final offer.

And we're throw in the sticky tape.

- I don't have that sort of cash just laying about. - We'll take a check.

- You will ? - With five pound up front, cash.

Gentlemen, you got yourself a deal.

[ Colm ] he said he didn't have an appointment.

Was he on the scalper's list ?

You saw his picture in the paper ?

Why was his picture in the paper ? What did he do ?

- He shot a catholic. - What ?

You sent me out to see someone who shot a catholic ?

[ Bronagh laughing ] Don't laugh. You're fired.

Well, alleged or not, you're a psycho. What's she saying ?

She saw your man's picture in the paper. He shot a catholic.

Alleged or what ? She says we should've got more for the wig. Can you believe that ?

For your information, psycho, we sold him the sample wig.

I thought you'd like that. Right. It cost us nothing.

Well, we know you're helping us.

What time's our next lead ? It better be legit.

Listen, stick to the list, would ye ? The list. The scalper's list.

The list is the bible.

Right. Okay ? Bye. See ye.

(music) fightin' fire with fire (music)

(music) burnin' down the house (music)

(music) [ continues ]

Mrs. McGivern. I thought you might like to know,

What with the rain and everything. Come in, Eileen.

You know how they talk. Who talks ?

What are you saying ? The neighbors. How the rumors spread.

Mrs. McGivern, what's up ? Spit it out.

About your Mickey. Is he all right ?

He's sleeping in the rain down there against the wall.

Jesus ! [ Rose ] right.

He won't wake up.

Thank you very much, Mrs. McGivern. The coats, Gerty.

They'd say he had trouble with the drink.

And him not 17. Thank you very much, Mrs. McGivern.

And, please, Don't let us keep you.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye. It was no problem.

(music) [ "God save the queen" ]

- Excuse me. - [ Bronagh ] it's all right, Colm.

Excuse me. Colm, it's all right. Come on.

Face the music, Paddy.

What ? Face the music.

- Colm, it's all right. - You're a fuckin' hard bum with your mates ?

Face the music, Paddy.

Colm.

He'll ruin the upholstery. We'll have to get these clothes off.

Give me a hand, Gerty.

I'll help with the shoes, like.

Now the sweatshirt.

The pants. I'll have to draw the line there.

Help me with the pants. I'll be in the kitchen.

He has underpants on, sure.

Maybe. It's Mickey, Gerty.

- He's always ridin' bareback. - You used to wash his arse.

He was only a wee boy then. Are you feckin' weird ?

Oh, all right.

- [ screams ] Jesus and Mary ! - The dirty bugger.

I told you. Jesus ! Oh, relax.

I'll be in the skullery.

It's only his wee man, Gerty. Or should I say his big man ?

He didn't get that from his daddy.

We'll let him sleep. Then I'll kill him.

Who's that on the settee ?

- What ? - Who's that on the settee?

What ? It's your brother, Mickey.

No, it's not.

Of course it is, you wee messer.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph ! Did youse take his clothes off of him ?

- Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph ! - [ Colm ] hey, is that some stranger ?

Jesus ! We saw his thing. [ Colm ] you saw his thing ?

- What, his dick ? - Bronagh !

I told you. I'm gonna boke.

Put his clothes back on. [ Colm ] what ?

- Quick. Put his clothes back on. - I'm not touching him.

Colm ! Jesus, Mary and Joseph !

- [ Colm ] some stranger ? - We thought it was Mickey. - This fella here ?

- Yes, Colm. - So, you stripped him ?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph !

That's Smok Mullen.

We saw his dick. Would you shut up ?

You ought to be at the nuthouse where I could be cutting your hair.

Put his clothes back on him.

I am going straight to confession. The dirty bugger.

Who's that ?

- [ all ] Don't ask ! - Smok Mullen.

Put him outside.

- It's raining, sure. - He'll never know. Quick. Put him outside.

Jesus Christ !

Was he robbing us or something ?

Don't ask. This is all your fault.

How is it my fault ?

Hiya, Milker. Ach, Colim. How ya doing ?

How's the milk business ? Utter chaos. How's your mummy ?

Utter lunatic.

Tell her I was asking about her. I will indeed, Milker.

Hey, how's the McGee family ?

[ Bronagh ] hello. Uh, Mr. Black ?

Yes, hello, Mr. Black. Good afternoon.

I'm calling on behalf...

Of The Piece People incorporated.

Yes, you had procured your product on the 20th of October.

Sorry. I can't make out what you're saying. What ? My what ?

- Did you get your wig ? - Oh. The rug ?

Yes, quite. Were you satisfied with the product ?

Oh, aye. I love it. It has changed my life.

Yes, quite. And, uh, what seems to be the problem ?

We seem to have had some trouble with the check you wrote us.

Really ? What sort of trouble ?

I'm afraid to say it bounced.

Jesus ! That's terrible, so it is.

Ah, listen, um, I'm at work here at the moment.

Um, write down this number. Have you a pen handy ?

Yes. And it's at your home number shall I call you later ?

No. That's my lawyer's number.

Your lawyer's number ? Affirmative.

And why are you giving me your lawyer's number ? 'cause I'm not paying for it.

Oh, you're not ? No, I'm not.

You'll pay for that wig. Or what ?

Or I'll personally knock your fuckin' balls in.

- Will ye ? Tell it to the judge. - Aye, I will.

I'll knock his balls in too, ya baldy, fat, bald bastard.

Oh, I'm fat now, am I ? You're dead is what you are.

Was that a threat ? It's a threat you'll pay for that wig.

Or what ? Or I'll rip your head off and smack you up the face with it,

Ya baldy feck bastard !

You have a way with words, miss. Good-bye.

- Anyone for a cup of tea ? - Yes, please.

Yes. Two, sure.

Ah, for fuckin' sakes.

I thought we have a monopoly. We do.

Well, we've to get on the horn to wigs of Wimbledon but pronto.

What do you mean ? Is the ad all right ? Have you seen this ?

Oh, aye, the ad looks great. And so does this one right next to it.

- [ George ] "toupee or not toupee." - what is that about ?

Let's make a phone call.

Right. What did he say ?

He's coming to Belfast. He wants to see us Monday morning.

But what did he say ? That's it. He'll tell us Monday, 9:00.

[ horn honking ]

How long does it take you to get ready ?

Drive on there. You're all right. What time is it ?

What time is it ?

Quarter to nine.

We're late. We're dead.

It's the head honcho from Wimbledon.

Relax. We're close.

Will them'ns be there ? Toupee or not toupee ?

You know as much as me. I Hope they are. I Hope they are.

We're gonna get the boot. This is cat.

Hey, hold on one second. Pull over. Pull over ! Pull over !

What ? In there. In there. Right here. Right here.

Right here. Right here.

Look. Look. Stop. What's wrong ?

That's your man.

Stop your messin'. Your man, Mr. Black.

We're gonna be late. Aye, it's late. Let's go. Is it him ?

- Hold on a minute. - I'll leave you, you bastard.

- I'm getting our money back. - We're gonna be late.

The money or the wig. Nobody fucks an O�Neill. Two minutes. Wait. Colm.

Colm !

Ah, Colm !

Here. Hang on. Do you do this often, Mr. Black ?

Do your friends know you're a crook ? Talk to my lawyer.

Give us it back. The wig. Give you what back ?

If you can't pay for it, give us it back. You're not getting it.

I like it. It makes me look younger.

Pay for it then.

Possession is nine-tengths of the law, Mr. Wig-man. Tell it to the judge.

Come on, Colm.

You ! The list ! What ?

Your feet shall be smooth...

As you move through the valley of death !

The scrotum is the devil's tobacco pipe !

You bastard !

Stop that man ! Stop, thief ! Ya bastard !

George !

George !

Daddy loves baby.

Does baby love his daddy ?

[ shouting, indistinct ]

[ indistinct ]

I'll fucking kill ya !

I'll get ye ! I'll get ye !

Go in after him, Will ya ?

Here. Here. I've still got your sticky tape.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Still got your fuckin' sticky tape, ya bastard !

Ya yellow-belly bugger !

Repossession !

Here. Do me a fucking favor, ya bugger !

Do me a fucking favor, ya bugger !

[ continues, indistinct ]

[ man ] let's see. Our sales projection of next year being very good.

Wigs of Wimbledon are faced with a difficult decision.

Who should be given the monopoly of handling our products in northern Ireland ?

Piece people or toupee or not toupee ?

Having given this considerable thought--

[ dogs barking ]

Just what I need now.

No. No barking here. No. Go away.

Get away from me !

No. Nothing's here. Go away !

Okay. Nice to meet ye. Good-bye. [ barking, snarling ]

Hey, would ye get away, would ye ?

It's my wig. My wig. Away from me.

Come here. Come here ! Give us that.

Come here, ye !

Hey, come here, ye. Come here.

Oh, come here. It's mine.

Screw it.

George's there ? He's having himself a wee cup of tea ? Put him on the phone.

Put him on the phone. Let me talk to him. He's scared.

He should be scared. He won't come on the phone.

He won't come on the phone ? He will not come on the phone.

Put him on the-- did he get the wig back ?

Did you get the wig back ? No, I didn't get the wig back.

Would you tell him I'll be in to see him shortly ? He'll be in to see you shortly.

Bronagh, can you come get me ? I'm freezing. Will they let you off work to come get me ?

I don't know. I'll try. Well, figure it out, would ya ?

Okay ? Right. I'll be there shortly.

Bye.

[ dog whining ]

[ growling ]

What ? How's it going ?

Look what I got here. Are you a protestant doggie ?

[ barking ] [ laughing ]

La la la la la la !

Get lost. You're not getting it.

Possession is nine-tengths of the law.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, look what I have. [ laughing ]

Coward !

[ Bronagh ] come here. You must be freezing.

George was afraid to talk to you. [ Colm ] was he ?

Hold that for a second. It's chewed to fuck.

A dog ate it. No problem.

I'm gonna send it back to the factory.

It's the sample. Tell them it was faulty.

Pretty slick businessman, huh ? No cobwebs on you, J.R.

Hey, come here. We've got to call the cops. Why ?

- I'm just after seeing the scalper. - They let him out.

What you mean they let him out ? Did I not tell you ?

- No. How could they let him out ? - They say he's harmless.

- Harmless ? He scalped four people. - They say he's rehabilitated.

I thought I told ya. Rehabilitated ?

Come on. I'll drive you home.

Take me to work. You're covered in muck.

I'll wash at work. You don't want to take a bath ?

I'll wash at work. Okay. Here.

Smelly horse.

Now, take it easy.

He's bigger than ye !

Morning, Colm. Oh, fuck off.

- How's it going, George ? - It was the scalper. I'm sorry.

Was it ? The scalper. We were late. Remember the scalper ?

- Aye. - He was there. - He was, yes, George.

Did he see ya ? Yes, George !

Don't get aggressive. We were late. He had a go at me.

He was homeless and he come at me. Did he ?

So you left me ? I'm sorry.

With a fella who shot a catholic. I'm sorry.

And the scalper. In a protestant area. I couldn't think.

I could've got fuckin' done. Don't get aggressive.

- I'll knock your shit in ! - I was scared, all right ?

I'm sorry,

But I was scared.

Punch me if you want.

I'm a coward.

Fuck it. You're all right.

I'm a dick.

Are you okay ?

Aye. I'm just--

Just dirty.

What happened ?

I got a bit of exercise today, George.

Sorry about that.

I'm sorry, Colm.

I went to the meeting.

What did they say ?

They said we have to duke it out...

With the other company.

What happened to the monopoly ?

If we win, we get the monopoly.

He said whoever sells the most wigs, wins.

Very straightforward.

- Fine. Cash or sales ? - Sales.

- By when ? - Christmas. - All right. Fuck 'em.

Twelve midnight, Christmas Eve.

Whoever sells the most wigs, wins. Very straightforward.

Bit dramatic, 12 midnight. But fuck them.

- Fuck 'em. - No surrender.

Right.

- I wasn't gonna hit you. - Okay.

You'd kill me anyway.

Want a shampoo ?

Aye.

[ chuckling ]

(music) pressure (music)

(music) pressin' down on me (music)

(music) pressin' down on you (music)

(music) under pressure (music)

(music) that burns a building down (music)

(music) splits a family in two (music)

(music) puts people on streets (music)

(music) bah bah bah bah (music)

(music) bah bah bah bah (music)

(music) dah dah dah (music)

(music) dah dah dah (music)

(music) that's okay it's the terror of knowing (music)

(music) what this world is about (music)

(music) watching some good friends screaming, "let me out" (music)

(music) pray tomorrow takes me higher (music)

(music) pressure on people (music)

(music) people on streets (music)

Good dose of hot water Will have that off, Colm.

Sure. I was raised on a farm. You were ?

[ Colm ] crack of dawn every morning, milking the old cows.

Love the bastards.

[ clears throat ] Mr. Duggan. Can we not do this in your house, sir ?

[ loudly ] could we not... [ lowing stops ]

Do this inside ?

That's the surprise. Want to see if they'll notice.

Who'll notice ? [ cow lows ]

I've had this wig a long time, boys.

They should know by now. Right.

Most of them Haven't a clue. The cows ?

The what ? Are you talking about the cows ?

The cows ? Noticing your wig ?

Is he flippin' stupid ? No.

Oh. Well, I thought you were talking about the cows.

He thought you were talking about the cows.

You think I'm getting a wig for the flippin' cows ?

No.

My family. Right.

You're no fuckin' rocket scientist, you, son. Right.

Right, Mr. Duggan. We've brought along some pictures.

Wig for the cows. Jesus.

Look, lads, I'm just having a butcher's hook.

Them other lads were here already.

What other lads ? Toupee or not toupee ?

Aye. Them'ns. You see, I'm a comparative shopper.

Aye, you see, sir, the benefits of our product...

[ cows lowing loudly ] greatly outweigh the competition's...

In sheer-- sheer quality.

Sheer quality. Ours is...

What's he saying ?

He says ours are better.

Mr. Duggan, cumulatively speaking,

We have over 50 years of experience in these four hands.

- How much for the Tony Curtis deluxe ? - Negotiable.

The others quoted 20. Aye. Twenty pounds ?

- Bollocks. - There must be a mistake. That's our best one.

Twenty pounds. The Tony Curtis deluxe.

Aye, the Jamie Lee Curtis deluxe.

- Mr. Duggan, there's no way. - No way.

We offer superior craftsmanship at a competitive price.

[ cows lowing ] we're simply the best in our field.

And if that's not true, then I'm not the proud son of a dairy milk farmer !

And you're not gonna tell them to shut the fuck up ?

Guess what's for dinner.

[ Colm ] what's the map say ? It says you're a buck eejit.

You're the navigator. I Haven't me glasses. We're lost.

This is not too good, thank you.

This does not look like a motorway to me.

Where are we ?

I think we're here.

I think we're here. Drive on there.

I think we should've gone left back there.

I don't like being out here. You're all right.

The I.R.A. Wouldn't be out here in the middle of... Nowhere.

Wonderful.

Let me do the talking.

[ hammer clicks ]

How's it going ? Turn your engine off.

Who are you ?

I'm Colm. He's Mickey.

Colm and Mickey who ? I'm an O�Neill. He's a protestant.

I mean, he's an O�Neill too.

- He's a protestant ? - No, sure. He's my cousin.

How can he be a protestant ? You're after saying he was a protestant ?

Well, he's not. I fuckin' hate protestants !

What are youse doing on the side of the road ?

Oh, we pulled over. We were looking at that map.

- Were youse kissing ? - No. - No.

Looked to me like youse were kissing. Well, we weren't.

We were driving. Where were youse going ?

We're looking for the motorway.

What, on this road here ?

We had an appointment back up there with a Mr. Duggan.

- We're hairpiece salesmen. - Traveling. - That back road there ?

I think. We're lost.

I would say so, aye.

What business had you with Duggan ?

He had an appointment. What for ?

For a hairpiece. A hairpiece ?

Aye. What, like for your head ?

Aye. Phillip Duggan with the cows ?

Aye, him. Why ?

Why ? Aye. Why ?

'cause he's bald.

- Get out of the car. - What ? - Get out of the fuckin' car !

[ all shouting, indistinct ]

Pip Duggan doesn't wear a hairpiece. He does.

- He had a head on him like a Forest. - He doesn't.

- Shoot him first. - Please. Look, he's bald.

I've heard some freakin' scams in my day. He does not. He has a wig.

Are you blind ? It looks like shite. It's his fucking hair.

- It's hanging off his head. - He wants the Tony Curtis deluxe.

- He's a comparative shopper. - Look in the back of the car. It's full of hairpieces.

We're not spies. We're only hairpiece salesmen.

Give me the keys.

If you're fucking lying--

- Where did you get these ? - Wimbledon. - Venice.

Venice or Wimbledon ?

Wimbledon.

Some of them are to the nuns.

What ? What's he saying ?

Some of the wigs are grown by nuns.

They grow their hair and sell them for the church.

You got to love the nuns.

You know,

The old wife's been hounding me.

Do you mind ?

No. Go ahead.

Hold that.

What's this ?

Box "x."

Yeah.

Well, that feels pretty good.

Looks good too. Yeah ?

Aye. You comb that, that's-- that's a good-looking wig.

- Aye. - What do you think ?

- I like it, yeah. - Go on. Have a look in that mirror there.

The wife'll shite. [ Colm ] yeah, that's pretty good.

That's a corker.

Corker.

What you want for it ?

I'll give it to ye--

I'll give it to ye for 50. Thirty.

- Forty-five. Forty. - Thirty. - Take the fuckin' thirty.

Forty. It's a lovely-looking wig.

Loan me a pound. Will you pay it back ?

Of course I'll pay it back. I've a pound, but I need it.

Give us the fucking pound. I need it.

What you need it for ? I like a wee Mars bar on the way home.

Fucking give us it. Starvo. I want it back.

You'll fucking get it back. He'll give it back. don't worry.

Here you go, chief.

You know, lads, they were definitely fucking kissing.

We forgot to give them the sticky tape. Drive on.

Okay, big boy.

Holes ?

There's friggin' holes in it.

I'll kill that bastard.

Oh, fuck, look at this.

Ah, Jesus.

It's a different friggin' color.

I'll friggin' cut his balls off.

Let us see it. It's not ready yet, luv.

Where's that hair dye ?

- Are you ready ? - No, not... Yet. Go in the bedroom.

Blue black. [ woman ] how long does it take to put on an effin' wig ?

It's a complicated procedure, darling. You just go on and get into bed.

Get it all nice and warmed up,

And I'll be right with you in-- in 25 minutes.

Hello. Hello.

From pollymuck to arts--

Toupee or not toupee.

No. No. [ chattering ]

[ man ] what did you say his name was ?

Colm.

Looks like one of them.

Oh, no, vicar.

He's as orange as that chair.

This hair may have grown from a bad person.

Oh, Jesus, no, vicar.

This is 100 percent genuine, guaranteed protestant hair.

Grown, no less, by 100 percent protestant Dutch people.

Are you sure ? Sure. Look at it yourself.

Does that look like dirty, mangy, smelly catholic monkey hair to you ?

That is a fine head of protestant hair.

- It looks good. - None but the best.

- Top of the line ? - None finer.

And the synthetic hair is cheaper ?

It is, yes. But you get what you pay for.

I really would recommend the natural hair myself. Top of the line.

[ indistinct chattering ]

[ train whistle blowing ]

[ man ] this just in. Another bombing attempt has been made tonight...

On a stretch of railway track two Miles east of kurgan.

Trains were delayed for an hour while the army bomb squad diffused the explosives.

There were no injuries. The provisional I.R.A. Are suspected,

Though no one has claimed responsibility at this stage.

Trains have resumed a regular schedule.

The I.U.C. Have found evidence on the scene...

Which they Hope Will lead to the capture of those involved.

And finally, passing Christmas shoppers got a treat today...

When Santa chose an unusual mode of transport to arrive in time.

Oh, Jesus !

You're all right.

Oh, Jesus ! You're all right. Get them next time.

Was I bald when I came in here ?

What ? Was I bald when I came in here ?

Was I wearing my--

Was I wearing my wig ?

Um... No.

Oh, Jesus ! What's wrong ?

I wore it on the job. It must have came off on the job.

The wig ? Aye.

Will we go back and get it ?

We can't go back and get it. The brats are already there, ya dick.

Why didn't you say something ? Say what ?

You know I wear the wig every day.

You know I never leave the house without it. Why didn't you--

Why didn't you fucking tell me ? I figured it was...

Laundry night or something.

Good morning. Toupee or not toupee. What is your question ?

They're sold all over the world, sir. All over the world.

[ man ] my word of honor.

Why are they selling more wigs ? I don't know.

What is it about toupee or not toupee ?

I don't know. They're just selling more wigs than us.

Do you want to win this competition ? Yes.

How do the sell them ? What do you mean ?

What's their angle ? Do they dress up in chicken suits ?

You're making me nervous. They talk a good sell, I suppose.

Smooth-talking bastards. And you's are hopeless ?

We've done very well. Yes, I know you have, dear.

It's all been an enlightening experience.

But you'll get beat in this competition thing...

If we don't start selling more wigs pronto. I know that.

Right. You've ten days to the cutoff. It's time to knuckle down.

I have an idea. God help us.

An angle. A scheme. Go ahead.

What sort of scheme ? A sure-fine scheme.

Now go in there, stop your blathering, sit down and shut up.

[ Bronagh ] you're making the pitch, the two of you's.

And you're close. You can taste it. I know that feeling.

Right. And you've said all the crap.

All the crap you say. But he still won't bite. He won't commit.

I know what you're saying. You're losing him.

He wants it. But his wife Will blow a curler.

- The henpecked fucker. - This is where we blow it.

The moment of truth. You're standing there. It's time for something drastic.

It's time for the big guns.

You's pull out the big guns.

You's are bald.

- We're what ? - You's are bald.

[ Bronagh ] you's both wearing wigs. You tip your wigs.

Mine's itching. Are they supposed to itch ?

[ Bronagh ] we'll shave the top of your heads like a monk,

And then we'll fit two cracker, top-of-the-line wigs.

- [ Bronagh ] how do you like them apples ? - What are you looking at ?

- There's nothing wrong with it. - You're the sample.

You are the satisfied customer. He won't have an idea.

Wig... No wig. Wig... No wig.

If you can con him and he doesn't realize you're wearing a wig,

He'll have to buy one.

[ man on radio ] have located hairpiece salesmen pulling up to...

Paddy Reilly butcher shop on beach mount crescent.

[ man #2 on radio ] affirmative. Ground units will handle it and arrest.

[ Bronagh ] you say to the customer, "I bid you a fond adieu."

And you reach up and you tip your hats.

But they're not hats.

They're wigs.

You's both wearing wigs. You tip your wigs.

I guarantee the fucker Will be putty in your hands.

[ both ] we bid you a fond adieu.

[ laughing ]

[ laughing continues ]

Let's go ! Come on !

Freeze ! [ yelling ]

[ chanting ]

[ chanting continues ]

[ man ] last night, we found this hairpiece...

In the vicinity of the failed bomb attempt.

Have you seen it before ? What can you tell me about this wig ?

[ Colm ] it's your basic Irish jig.

Your basic wig. Did you fit it ?

Maybe. But it's a stock model. But you would recognize ?

Ah, it's your job. You have an eye for these things.

It would have to be a perfect match. Not necessarily.

- Do I know you ? - No.

Color of the hair, the dimension of the baldness, whether it was curly or not.

Sometimes it don't match. What's that ?

- Sometimes we're in a rush. - You won't put a curly-haired wig on a straight-haired man.

We might. If we could get away with it.

If he's a cheapo-- then he gets a cheapo deal.

- The cheapo wig. - But he'd look the right heel.

That rhymed. So it did.

This wig has been chewed up by dogs. Do you have a dog ?

No. What about you ?

- I hate dogs. - This wig could have been changed.

Could have been dyed a different color. Did you sell a similar model of a different color ?

I don't think so. Look, we're businessmen.

He's a protestant. I'm a catholic. We're not supplying sample wigs--

What ?

- Well, that's it. - This is a sample wig ?

Uh, maybe. You've never sold a sample wig.

The sample wig is not supposed to be sold.

- How many sample wigs were you given ? - [ both ] one.

Where is it now ? Do you have it with you ?

Uh... I don't know where it is right now. We'd have to look for it.

Yes. Well, that would be nice.

Now, what day is this ?

Christmas just around the corner.

Father Christmas. Presents.

And what comes after Christmas ?

What ? Taxes.

I'm going to give you two weeks, jog the memory.

Dig up the old sample wig.

And if, at that point, you still can't recall,

I'm going to insist you give me every receipt, every order form,

Every bank statement and every phone Bill since you two--

You two freaks started your little business.

In the meantime, I'm going to round up every bald provie...

From Bangor to San Francisco.

See if I can't make a match. Match it to his head.

Match it to the color of dye in this wig.

See if I can't find my little Cinderella.

I'm good at what I do, gentlemen.

Operation glass slipper will be a success.

[ sets briefcase down ]

I thought you told Bronagh you didn't get the sample. That a dog ate it.

I got it back and threw it in the car. It's a long story.

You're a bollocks, Colm. How am I a bollocks ?

You shouldn't have sold it to him.

I heard no complaints at the time. Why didn't you say something ?

Look, there's no Trace of it.

It's a sample. There's no order form or anything.

They can't Trace it back to us. You should have said something.

To who ? You made me sit in there like a dick.

Where ? In there, with your man.

Why didn't you tell him ? It's only a wig, George.

A crime was committed. What, selling a wig ?

After we sold it. It's nothing to do with us.

We lied. We didn't lie.

You're after making me an accomplice. It's only a fucking wig !

You don't think I've got nothing better to do than protect fucking--

[ vehicle approaching ]

- On or off, son ? - Go on. I'll get the next one.

[ man ] operation glass slipper will be a success.

- We will hunt them where they live. - Get out of the car, sir.

- We will hunt them where they play. - Okay, let's go.

[ man ] we will sweep this province with an iron fist.

We'll round up every bald head, every semi-bald head,

Every thinning head, like when you're racking pool balls.

We will unleash...

A wrath on the bald of this troubled land...

The likes of which has not been seen...

Since that Guy did them things to the babies in the bible.

You know the guy... With the beard.

[ scalper ] Don't go by Calvary, driver !

It's a one-way street. Where are we ?

God's into you for Sodom and Gomorrah.

Blessed are the bewildered !

For they won't notice the difference.

Even though I walk in chains... [ voice fading ]

- Where's my share of that trucking money you owe me ? - Uh, I gave it to Bo.

Did you see this ? What's this ?

It's a flier for George's poetry reading.

What poetry reading ?

His poetry reading tomorrow at the university. It's a big deal.

I'd rather have my nipples fried.

I love the blondie. Love him.

- Yee-haw ! - [ knock on door ]

Ya-hoo ! Whoo-hoo !

[ knocking continues ]

I'll get it.

- What street ? What street ? - It's all right. I know where I'm going.

The I.R.A.'s at the door, and they want Colm.

- What have you done, son ? - I've done nothing.

- It's Milker McHugh. - Is he collecting for the milk ?

- It's only Monday. - No. He's in his I.R.A. Mode tonight. He wants Colm.

And there's some other fellas.

- Hey, Milker. - I'm not fucking Milker.

- You're wearing his jacket. - I'm not fucking Milker.

You're not the man that brings the milk and leaves it at this house ?

- Must be somebody fucking else. - Okay.

- Are you Colm O�Neill ? - I am, yes.

- Do you sell hairpieces ? - Sure. You know I sell hairpieces.

- Do you sell hairpieces ? - Aye.

There's a man here who wants a word or two.

I ought to kick you keek in. Selling a man a faulty wig.

Kick your keek in. Thing was all fucking holes.

Friggin' chancer. Listen, lads, there's--

Relax. That's not why we're here. We want to buy some wigs.

- What ? - You deaf ?

- Friggin' glass slipper. - We would like to place an order.

We want to buy 30 hairpieces.

Those are the dimensions: Width, length of baldness, color of the hair,

Whether the hair's curly or not.

[ general Lee horn blowing "Dixie" ]

Three Hollywoods,

A Phoenix,

Three synthetic Casanovas,

Two European Casanovas, a ladies man,

Sixteen Starks�s and one hutch.

Your man will take a Phoenix if you're out of hutch's.

Do ya's carry the Kenny Roger gray ?

- Yes. - We want a Kenny nylon and a Kenny yak.

If you can't get the yak, get us two Kenny nylons.

The man wants a Kenny.

Don't lose that.

Thirty hairpieces.

- Uh, I don't know. - What don't you know ?

Well, I don't know about an order this big.

- Why ? - Well, it's a big order.

Well, when will you know ? Tomorrow ?

Aye. Aye. Sure. I'll-- aye, tomorrow.

You have till tomorrow night then.

Is there a Kentucky fried chicken around here ?

No. There's, uh, a Dixieland chicken.

Dixie-- where's that ?

Well, it's just up on the road, um, down from the cemetery.

Right. Tomorrow night. 8:00. Dixieland chicken...

By the cemetery.

Fuck sake ! Wise up, Will ya ?

Ya-hoo ! [ laughing ]

Well, Colm, what did they want ?

Are you in trouble, son ?

[ Gerty ] Colm, what have you done now ?

Are they going to kneecap you ?

They want to buy some hairpieces.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

We sell 30 wigs to the I.R.A., we win this thing.

You know, 30 hairpieces ?

There's no way toupee or not toupee at 30 hairpieces in front of us.

[ Colm ] I.R.A., not I.R.A. They're just bald people. There's no difference.

[ Colm ] we'll beat toupee or not toupee.

We'll win the franchise.

It's just selling to people.

[ Colm ] it's not like we're selling them guns or something.

What's the difference.

(music) [ indistinct ]

[ man ] okay. Thank you. You're good to go. Carry on, then.

(music) we had guns and drums and drums and guns haroo haroo (music)

(music) we had guns and drums and drums and guns haroo haroo (music)

(music) we had guns and drums and drums and guns (music)

(music) the enemy nearly slew ya (music)

(music) [ music fades ]

You're not going to the poetry thing, are you ?

I don't think so.

Are you going to do it ?

- Do what ? - Sell wigs to the I.R.A. ?

Why not ?

You're a dick, Colm.

How am I a dick ? George is your mate.

So ? So ? So that's dirty-Joe'ing him.

Well, we'll win the franchise. Like he'd go along with it.

Well, you know, we've sold wigs to the I.R.A. Before.

Yes. Well, that's not the same thing.

It was the middle of the night, it was a sample wig...

And George didn't have a choice. You're a hypocrite.

It's different, and you know it. How am I ? You're-- you're a hypocrite.

You buy your fags from the wee shop. That's different.

- They're I.R.A. How's it different ? - It's different.

- The milkman, he's I.R.A. - That's when they're off, off duty.

Off duty ? They're never off duty.

Them wigs is I.R.A. Money. The others is out of their pockets.

Ah, come on. That's the same thing. That's a technicality.

George would not go along with that.

Will he be able to cry better in his swimming pool if we win this thing ?

He backed you with the sample. He didn't squeal on you. He made a gesture.

- You're a hypocrite. - You're a hypocrite and a dick.

You know what. There's two types of catholics:

The ones that support the RA and the ones that make excuses.

They've all got a different excuse. Fair fuckin' play to you.

Support the I.R.A., give them your money,

Let them hide in your fucking roof space.

But George is your mate. You don't shit where you eat.

You can't have it both ways.

You're a dick, Colm. You're a hypocrite. You're a Brit.

Get out ! Out of the car, Brit !

Well, you can't have it both ways, Colm.

Get out ! Out of the car, Brit ! Brits out !

It's my car, Colm.

It's my car.

Okay.

[ Bronagh ] you're a dick, Colm !

For fuck's sake.

This place is as good as Kentucky fried chicken, is it ?

Aye.

Welcome to Dixieland chicken. Would you like to order ?

So, when can we get these wigs ?

Can I have more time ?

No. I need more time.

What, to order some wigs ?

My partner's protestant.

Did you tell him ? Lucky you. No.

But he wouldn't be into it if I did.

There you go, mate. Cheers. Thank you.

Grub's up.

Where's my change ?

It's not as good as colonel sanders. God bless the colonel.

It's not as good. Nah.

Do you like breast, Colm ?

Why, sure. Fuck, now that's actually tasty.

Nowhere near as good as the colonel's secret recipe though.

With 21 spices. 11. 11.

Do you know, in the-- in the Kentucky fried chicken headquarters,

The Kentucky fried chicken headquarters in Louisiana,

Or wherever the fuck Kentucky is,

They've got round-the-clock security guarding that recipe with their fucking lives.

Like the coke recipe. Top secret.

Anyone tries to knock that recipe, bang !

Colm here needs more time.

Why ? He's not sure.

He's tentative ? He is tentative.

He needs time to arrange our capture with the armed forces.

I wouldn't do that. This protestant fella, who is he ?

[ clears throat ] he's my partner.

Is he your boss ? No.

Is he the one does all the thinking ? Nope.

Are you your own man or what ? I am my own man.

I just need to think things out a bit, you know ?

Are you too good for us ?

Listen, uh...

I'll sell you the wigs individually. You know, one at a time.

He's a Brit. I'm not a Brit.

- You're a Brit. - I'm not a Brit.

Do you believe in the united Ireland ? I do believe.

I just don't want to be the official wig supplier for the Irish republican army.

Keep your fucking voice down. I'm sorry. My partner's a protestant.

- I guess we know what side you're on. - You don't know.

I told you. I'll sell you the wigs individually, as just people.

That's it. Not to an army. Just as people.

Don't tell me you know what side I'm on. You know nothing about me.

I'm just trying to fucking survive here.

That's very good that.

Very, uh... Very dramatic.

You should get an Oscar for that.

You know what, son ? What ?

Take down that number there, you.

You're not the only game in town, you know ?

We just want some wigs. Not a political dissertation.

We'll go to them fellas. See them fellas.

See if they want to take our money.

Trying to survive. You're a fruit.

Do you think we're doing this for fun ?

For a bit of a fucking laugh ? I want more than that.

More than what ?

I want more than to just survive.

Come on. We'll call that number.

[ man ] take me back.

Take me way, way, way back...

On Hanford street,

Where you could feel the silence at half past 11:00...

On long Summer nights...

As the wireless played radio Luxembourg...

And the voices whispered across beech River...

In the quietness as we sank into restful slumber in the silence...

And carried on dreaming in God.

In walks up cherry valley from Northroad Bridge,

View while lying on sunny Summer afternoons.

Picking apples from the side of the tracks...

That spilled over from the gardens of the houses on Cyprus Avenue.

Watching the moth catcher worked the floodlights in the evenings...

And meeting down by the pylons.

Playing around Mrs. Kelly's lamp.

Going out to Hollywood on the bus...

And walking from the end of the lines to the seaside.

Stopping at Fuscos for ice cream...

In the days before rock 'n' roll.

Hanford street,

A bed of red, orange food,

Saint donor�s church, Sunday six bells.

[ George speaking indistinctly ]

[ George ] "...Through the ages.

"some say our right.

"some say ungrounded.

"what have we found ?

"or is it what have we founded ?

The weakness to speak ?"

I'm not doing the deal.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

[ George ] "is something even there...

"to split or to share... [ mumbles ]

"to shift the foundation...

"to stand me in good fare...

"or to shake the sensation...

"of fear ?

"just of f-f-fear.

"or if friendship...

"that will never be silenced...

"is a paramount peak at good favor.

"here's my heart.

"here's my sleeve.

"here's my soul to believe.

"it's enough for us to speak...

Around the savior."

[ woman ] thank you. Thank you very much.

I'd just like to remind you that we're going to-- [ voice trailing off ]

That was lovely. [ laughs ]

- Anyone for a drink ? - Have a drink ?

[ laughing ] come on.

How many wigs are we behind ?

I don't know, but at least 30.

Thirty ?

Well, let's say 45 to be on the safe side.

You've got four days until Christmas.

I guess that's the end of The Piece People. It ain't looking good.

[ Bronagh ] well, let's get our thinking caps on and start thinking then.

Think of a large group of people who are all bald.

I'm so stupid. Listen, I got a mate from school. He's a chemist.

We could get him to make us up a batch of some shit...

That, like, makes your hair fall out.

We could dump it in the drinking water.

- Two pints of lager and a pint of Guinness. - Dump it in the reservoir.

There must be some large group of people who are all bald.

There must be.

Cancer victims.

People with cancer. You're a sick fuck, Colm.

They need the wigs with the chemo.

Or how about people that live near nuclear power plants ?

You're a sick fuck. Something simple.

Chemo. Frig sake.

Hey, George, here's to you. Cheers.

That's mine. Oh, sorry. Keep the change.

[ laughing ] cheers, guys. Well done.

Great poem. Oh, thanks.

Mm. What's that thing called ?

You know, when people have stress and all the hair falls out ?

It's, um-- it's apecia or something.

I heard of that. It's apecia or deplecia.

But your hair falls out ? Mm. 'cause of stress.

What, the people pull it out because of the stress ? It falls out.

No, they don't-- they don't pull it out. It falls out. Exactly.

Let's take a seat. It's either apecia or deplecia.

I saw a show on that once. What, on apecia ?

Must be a lot of it here.

Applepecia.

No. It's not applepecia. That doesn't sound right.

But your hair definitely falls out, like in clumps.

Clumps. I'm liking the sound of that. Clumps.

Do you know anybody at the department of health ?

What, like a government thing ?

Aye. Can you get at any records ? Talk your way in ?

Is the pope catholic ?

Help me, God.

Send me a sign.

Send me my Cinderella.

Give me a sign.

Oh, my God !

[ ticking ] [ Colm ] so what's going to happen at 4:00 ?

At 4:00, the phone's going to ring. I Hope.

[ Colm ] who's going to ring ?

Never you mind. But if it comes through, we're golden.

It's a sure-fine scheme. [ sighs ]

[ clock cuckoos ]

[ rings ]

What the fuck's this ? Pay dirt.

Name ? Bronagh McGee.

You, sir ? George Enuk post.

Sir ? O�Neill.

Christian name, sir ? Colm.

Alopecia. [ man ] okay, sergeant. Open the gate.

Hair loss caused by extreme stress.

[ man ] drive on.

[ chattering ]

[ Bronagh ] it's been kept on the hush-hush.

The brats are experiencing a bit of hair loss. Most of them are just kids.

They're shiteing themselves. The pressures too much.

Their hair's falling out in clumps.

Most of them are just kids.

Those in the bomb squad seem to be losing the most hair.

[ shouting commands ]

[ Bronagh ] Colm.

We have to sign a confidentiality clause.

They don't want this getting leaked to the public.

It wouldn't look very good, would it ?

Why isn't all our hair falling out ?

Well, I suppose we're used to it.

They've bussed them in from all over northern Ireland.

Wait here a minute, okay ?

Colonel. Nice to meet you. Bronagh. Hello.

It's a very simple procedure. It's basically myself and George and Colm over here.

And, um, I think it best if we--

Is this all right ?

What ?

You not got a problem with this ?

With what ?

Selling wigs to the brats.

No.

It's a gesture. What do you mean ?

If you sold wigs to them, that would be wrong.

If I say okay, it's a gesture.

I don't understand.

You see, I can make a gesture...

Because the only way to stop the cycle...

Is if I, a catholic,

Can forgive...

That you're a protestant.

It's a gesture. Why not me, a protestant ?

I'm having epiphany.

You can't make a gesture, but I can make a gesture.

I can reciprocate. No. After, but not first.

Why can't I ?

At this point, you can't make the gesture. Only a catholic can make the gesture.

Why can only a catholic make the gesture ?

Because we're in the right and you're in the wrong. What ?

And therefore, I'm making the gesture. You're right and we're wrong ?

Correct. I think it's a tad grayer than that.

It's black and white. I'm making the gesture.

What if I said I was right and you were wrong ? You'd be fucking wrong.

Six hundred years here, and we're still wrong.

Give or take a century, aye.

I think I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Colm.

Don't ruin this, George. Ruin what ?

Don't ruin the gesture. Let me sell the wigs to these lads.

That's okay with me. Under one condition. What ?

You let me charge them double.

It's a government contract.

His name was Colm, the hairdressing man.

His mind was as closed as a door--

Don't ruin the gesture, George.

Group, room-tion !

Fall in !

[ man ] Simmons ! Mitchell ! Sir !

[ man ] daly ! Jennings ! Sir !

He's 6 1/2 from the, uh, ear to ear.

Your name ?

[ George ] yee-ha-ha-ha ! We won ! We won !

[ chattering indistinct ]

[ laughing ] yahoo !

[ Bronagh ] we properly beat those fuckers. We fucking won !

Whoo-hoo ! Yahoo !

[ laughs ] great volumes of glory, do you know that ?

[ chattering ]

Shots. Ready ? Shots.

Aye. Right. Colm, here. One, two, three !

To piece people ! Piece people !

Piece people ! Ahh ! Ohh !

Number one. Number one in Ulster.

What ?

What ? What ?

Yes ! Yes !

{{{the end}}}