Original subtitles

What are y'all doing? Get back!

Please somebody help me!

*Kourtney screams*

Does this look even to you?

I know it looks horrible.

You don't have to be so rude about it.

*doorbell rings*

Mom, door!

*mother screaming*

Can't even get five seconds to myself.

Mom, 8 to 4 are designated beauty hours!

Which means no talking, no TV, no Facebook group messages, and absolutely no screaming.

Trying to get more attention than me.

*mother screams*

Thank you.

Keep the change.

The definition of perfection.

*phone beeps*

Ooh, Chad just snapped me.

Wait, no WiFi?

No, no, no, no.

Mikey, get off of Fornite. There are more important things than a stupid video game.

Like me, Gucci, and hooking up over Snapchat.

Ew, like why do you smell so bad?

Look, I know you're in that phase where it's either too much axe body spray or straight BO, but straight BO doesn't work for anyone.

So go take a shower and use some Old Spice.

*zombie groans*

Get out and take a shower!

Puberty has ruined him.

It's only the tenth.

Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Pokemon Go use data fast.

I knew I shouldn't have gone after that 6th Magikarp.

This is an emergency.

Mom will understand.

And if not, Mikey sure has spent a lot of time on his phone.

*phone beeps*

SOS, my house now!

Oh my God, if she sent a photo in that yellow top to Zack again-

Oh, wait she probably just wants to watch the Bachelor.

Even though the Bachelorette is better. I mean like 1 guy compared to like 45.

Oh, can't forget you, bugga-beau.

Okay, but realistically you wouldn't want to create a black hole.

The area around it would invert and-

*zombie groans*

Oh, is everything okay?

Oh, I'll be right back.

*gunshot*

Oh, hello?

Hello?

Was that a gunshot? Are you-

I'm fine, not looking too good for our society though.

Well duh, have you seen the news lately? Every day-

Have you seen the news like today?

No, but it's only-

Oh, nards! I have to go.

Mom, I'm going to Taylor's.

*zombie groans*

Hey, just because she got a terrible nose job does not mean she's a bad influence.

*zombie groans*

You're so mean.

Oh.

Okay, did you even try to put makeup on today?

At least Taylor's tried to make an improvement.

*zombie groans*

Maybe Botox?

Taylor's mom said it really made her happier.

Even if she isn't, she's always smiling now.

*zombie groans*

Yeah, bye.

Total nightmare.

*car starts*

*zombies groan*

*theme music plays*

This just in. There has been a serious outbreak of some kind.

Everyone should stay inside if they can with their doors locked.

Do not open them.

I'm hearing that if at all possible we need to be trying-

Wait, what? No-

Hopefully Taylor still needs me.

I mean like, it took me forever to get here.

I mean like, who the hell leaves their car on fire in the middle of the road?

Whatever.

Maybe he fell asleep before replying in the like five seconds it takes to reply.

Mom, you home?

I'm sorry if I didn't hear you.

Darn. Well, I should probably get started on that biology lab report.

It's on mitosis.

No storm, must be the breaker.

Weird, it seems-

Holy cheeseballs!

Taylor, you would not believe the traffic.

There were like a bunch of empty cars just randomly parked.

Maybe it's like a new flashmob prank or just like stupid people.

OMG, I have got to tell you what my mom just said.

*zombie groans*

Oh, hey Julie!

I told my mom about your Botox suggestion and-

Maybe it's already time for a new injection.

I mean, no offense, Julie. You know I love you.

But it must be this terrible lighting, but you literally look dead.

Is it menopause?

I am so sorry.

So why are all the lights out? Is there like-

*thud as zombie is hit with lamp*

We have to go.

Wait, what?

You cannot just throw a lamp at your mother.

Look, I know we all have issues with our parents, but-

Come on.

Yeah, so not looking forward to menopause.

Okay, okay.

Put on your seatbelt.

Fine, fine, I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

Um, so Taylor?

Yeah?

What the hell was that?

I mean um, today has been so crazy.

Like first my mom was a total jerk, then Chad never replied to my Snapchat, and now you just hit your mom with a lamp.

And it really, like I just don't get it. I don't-

*thud as they back over zombie*

Oh my God, you actually just hit someone.

My car just got washed. I swear if there is a single scratch, then I'm gonna be-

Taylor.

Taylor, what's going on?

I'm not sure. I just know there's no signal or WiFi.

Really?

Yeah.

Chad didn't ignore me.

Wait, no WiFi? Anywhere?

How am I supposed to listen to Spotify or-

Kourtney, my mom literally turned ugly and tried to eat my face.

WiFi does not matter right now.

How dare you?

WiFi is what keeps the world going.

It is the Olive Branch, the peanut butter to everyone's jelly, supposed to be getting me a new boyfriend.

Kourtney, that's really not important right now.

You seriously need to wake up.

Look, let's just go to Starbucks and-

Kourtney, there is no Starbucks.

This is the zombie apocalypse.

*car dings out of gas*

Crap.

Seriously, Taylor, if you're going to hijack my car, the least you can do is fill her up.

Crap.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Um, finding some jams.

Maybe Ariana can snap you out of your hysteria.

Kourt, this is real. I wouldn't just-

Stay inside. Lock your doors. Zombies are everywhere.

Holy shit, this is real?

That's what I've been trying to tell-

*the girls scream*

Oh my God.

What the hell are we supposed to do?

I don't know. I never watched The Walking Dead.

What would zombies want with us? We don't even have good GPAs.

I thought zombies wanted brains not bootys.

We're going to die.

Oh definitely, probably within the next 2 minutes.

Taylor, I just want you to know that I did tell Zack that you had herpes, so he wouldn't date you.

Oh, that's fine.

I told Chad you were 35, but he said he was into it, so then I told him you hated Fornite.

You actually-

You know what we aren't dying.

We haven't even graduated high school yet, and I still have plans to get my Mrs. degree.

I haven't even found love yet, so I am not dying today. I am not dying until I at least find a man with a hefty bank account.

So what do we do?

We go to war.

*music plays*

Now!

No, my shoes! I just got these.

We have to run.

Well, damn.

We have to get inside somewhere before it gets dark.

Okay, so I think my brother said that zombies are most active at night.

Or maybe it was creepers are most active at night.

But that's like the same thing, right?

Totally.

Okay, so actual shelter with an actual bed. Oh and maybe even a Keurig.

So what should we do?

It's not like we can go door to door, knocking and yelling for someone to let us in.

Taylor, that's exactly the plan.

Kourtney, I don't think that's a good idea.

It's just that it would create a whole lot of noise.

So zombies are dead. They don't have ears.

*zombie groans*

Taylor, did you forget to put any deodorant on?

Oh so they can smell, but they can't hear?

Duh.

Oh look, he does still have ears.

People's ears don't just fall off when they die.

So I have a higher grade in biology than you.

Because Garth is your lab partner.

Who's Garth?

Shut up!

We are trying to talk.

Just because you want to eat our brains does not mean you get to be rude.

You know, fine. Kourt, we'll go knock on every door in the neighborhood.

Can we start with the nicer houses?

Great.

So what do we do about him?

So that's what Captain America feels like. Avengers assemble!

Go, go! Sh!

Shut up.

Hello?

Crap, this isn't working.

*doorbell rings*

Why would you do that?

Maybe they couldn't hear us knocking?

Kourt, we have to go.

Oh shit, to the next house!

No, no, no.

Okay, where do we go?

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I don't know this place.

No, bad zombie. Bad zombie!

Back zombie. This weapon sucks.

Kourt, there's a car. There's a car.

Hey! Hey!

Well that's stupid.

What?

Shouldn't we help them?

This is survival of the fittest. They can't help us, we don't help them.

Besides, they'll die soon enough anyway.

What a big-

Kourt, come on.

We're almost there. Yay, AC!

We made it.

Ew. Oh my God.

Okay, I am taking a shower and never getting out.

Maybe we should secure the house first, lock all the doors and windows.

Were you ever a girl scout? Because you are killing it!

One more floor then a hot shower.

And a cup of coffee. Did you see the Keurig?

You know, Kourt, I think that Chad would-

*zombie groans*

Taylor!

Kourtney! Kourtney, get in here please!

Hey!

Kourtney!

Taylor.

Oh God.

Taylor, did I ever tell you how good red looks on you?

Even now you still laugh at my terrible jokes.

That's just how much I love you.

I'm gonna get some help. There's a doctor in your neighborhood, right?

A dentist.

Well, so, I'm sure he can help.

With what, my smile? My smile is always a little brighter with you around. Plus I already had braces.

I know pressure!

Pressure, that's what your supposed to do.

Kourt, I want you to do something for me.

Look, I already know that you don't like Starbucks.

Kourt, if all this stuff about zombies is accurate, I'm gonna turn into one of them soon.

Okay?

And I don't want to be like that. They're ugly.

You won't. You're the prettiest girl in school.

Kourt, I want you to bash my head in, okay?

Okay, you have made me furious but I would never-

You're my sister.

You're my sister.

Great then you are contractionally obligated to fulfill my last wish.

Tay.

Kourt, you got to do it.

Okay, close your eyes.

Right, no water.

There's gotta be more survivors.

Eh, yikes. No wonder I never ate these. Well, when in an apocalypse.

Now coffee!

Ah, for the love of all things java, I keep forgetting there is no power.

No surprise here. There's no car. Of course!

Oh, come on.

*Kourtney does a battle cry*

Help! Please help!

Oh crap.

Hey, get off! That is illegal!

Are you okay?

*zombie growls*

This is so useless.

I'm gonna need so much therapy after this.

And what about all of you, cannibalism must have a lot of mental effects?

Ugh, I can't deal with this! I'm leaving.

It's been approximately eleven hours since the garage incident that I have dubbed "the big bang."

I don't know how much longer I can make it.

I have enough Cheetos and Mountain Dew to last at least two more days but given my panic eating... I just don't know.

How did this all start?

Water contamination, chemicals? Warfare? Are these actual zombies or just failed clone projects that the government has released to control the population?

Definitely exhibited zombie behavior.

The Walking Dead, Minecraft, Resident Evil, Zombieland.

Pop culture agrees that the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain. If I could-

What the-

Ugh, this is so not fair.

I mean like seriously, Greg. Wait, is your name, Greg? You look like a Greg.

I know Greg. It's just like she was a really good friend and-

Wait, this is a dream isn't it!

I knew I shouldn't have had Starbucks before bed.

*zombies groan*

Wait, this isn't a dream!

Greg, I don't have any of those brains that you really like so maybe we could work something out.

*thud*

See you, Greg! And man up, take Sierra on a date already.

Again, again.

I'm a little lightheaded.

How did you- That was just amazing.

Thanks for all your help, but you really aren't my type.

I don't- I'm not-

Do you have any moisturizer my skin is literally dying? That was a joke.

Now there is one of the fittest.

Hey, you heard of Darwin?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I took high school algebra.

Now that we can work with, sis.

My gosh they must have thought you were one of them! But why? Maybe smell-

I'm gonna stop you right there. I smell great. I practically showered in febreze before went out.

Look that doesn't matter. You have got to show me how you did that! This could be a game changer!

Fine.

But first can I clean my hands? Maybe get a new outfit? This was really cute but now it's covered in blood.

But while we're at it, maybe you could freshen up. Because um not gonna lie you're a little rank.

Yeah, cheetos and sweat just don't go together.

I look ridiculous.

Yeah, pink def isn't your color.

Why do I have to wear this? I just want you to show me-

Sh! Gary, you have to channel your inner teenage girl to be capable of wielding my powers.

My name's Garth.

We're literally biology partners.

I think I would remember that.

I wrote our whole last report. And completed our science fair project on you know.

Sex! Yas, it was amazing.

It was genetics. And it was pretty good.

The fourteen pounds of glitter really added a lot, don't lie.

Right, so you do remember me?

Of course I do... Garfield.

Look, I really don't think this is helping. Maybe we should just-

Sh. You've got to work it!

What?

Well, how would you take a photo for Instagram?

Um, I don't have Instagram.

Uh, oh my God.

Okay, baby steps.

Okay, so George, we're gonna take a selfie.

You go up like this. Get a good angle. And you gotta creep in, creep in.

Ew. No, you look like your on laughing gas.

That's really weird.

Try closed mouth.

Ew, that's even worse.

Let me just. Perfect.

Okay, so white after labor day, yes or hell no? This is an easy one.

Is it for a cosplay?

What the frick is a cosplay?

Okay, so one foot in front of the other. Swish, swash, swish, swash, swish-

*Garth's glasses break*

No, my glasses. I can't see. I-

Should never wear glasses again! You went from a negative 5 to a solid 1.

Kourtney, I seriously can't see that well without my glasses.

Okay, so you have a backup pair, right?

No! They were getting fixed at lenscrafters.

Oh my god. My vision is just going to continue to deteriorate.

It will get worse and worse. No more eye exams, prescriptions, no more glasses. I'm gonna go blind!

Right, so we'll break into a lenscrafters. It'll be fine.

No. It's not just the glasses.

It's personal hygiene. Our health, our teeth.

No more flu shots, no more checkups, no more biannual teeth cleanings! No more anything-

Hey, there isn't anymore Starbucks either. But you don't see me crying. I'm done crying. I literally had to kill my bfbamsbwatc.

I'm sorry, what?

Best friend but also my sister because we are that close.. well were.

That's awful.

Look, I get it. I really do.

We could just sit around and mope. Me about snapchat and you about being blind. But that just isn't gonna to help.

Those really aren't the same things.

Do all zombie movies lie? Hell yes!

They never talk about there being no wifi, or what happens when your eyesight starts getting worse.

Or even worse periods?! I don't even want to think about how that works.

But we are alive. And I planning on staying that way. So woman up, Barth. We are gonna stay alive.

So what should we do?

I don't know. You're the smart one. That's your job. I can't be pretty and come up with the plan.

Fair enough.

So um where to now?

My mom. She's been missing since this all started. I just want to see if she's-

I'm in.

But why would you risk your life to-

I need a new best friend, and there's no better way to form an attachment than to survive a life threatening journey together.

Nice. But where exactly are we?

In isolation. There's a cabin up ahead. We'll have to hike to get there. But we can fortify it and make base there.

It was our uncle's cabin. He built when he thought the Chinese would attack.

Full of everything from weapons to food to first aid.

So what I'm hearing is unlimited mac and cheese!

He was lactose intolerant.

What's lactose intolerant? Does that mean he couldn't have lettuce? Sabine-

Wait, your mom is literally the nanny for your neighbors?

Yeah. She's just two houses down and-

Wouldn't she have already come here if she was-

I mean I'm sure she's fine, like totally alive, like tots breathing and not a brain dead corpse.

She's probably just scared and staying in the house for protection!

I'm 17, and I've already fought at least 30 zombies.

She's emotionally sensitive!

So an alcoholic.

Yeah.

Alright, we'll go get her.

So what about your dad?

He left years ago.

Your mom must have had a good lawyer though.

Yeah, she did.

What about your family?

Mom, zombie. Brother, zombie. And my dad was practically a zombie before anything happened.

Sorry.

All Gucci.

So plan "Save Greg's Mommy" is a go!

My name is still Garth.

Of course, now let's go make some totally amazing best friend memories together!

*zombies groan*

I was so hoping for a more interesting- Who's that?

Mom. Hey, it's me, Garth. We're gonna go home! This is Kourtney-

His best friend, who so isn't gonna let his mom eat his face.

Kourtney? Why did you- Mom! Mom!

Look my pbffwihtk once taught me that sometimes it's okay to hit a mom in the face with a lamp.

Um, Gordon, we have to go.

Oh God.

Don't worry, I saw this in Wonder Woman.

We definitely did not watch the same movie.

Gregory, come on!

Garrett, drive!

But I only have my learner's permit.

Nobody's gonna pull you over. If there's no WiFi, there def aren't any cops.

But I also can't see that well, remember? My glasses broke and-

Drive, bitch!

Okay!

Do I need to make you ride in the back? You have to wear a seat belt!

Great and now I need a nose-job.

So um where should we go now?

I only know how to get to three places: Starbucks, my house, and Taylor's house.

What about school?

Didn't need an apocalypse to skip class.

Right, well... Maybe we could go to this cabin. My dad had a cabin. It's pretty loaded with food and-

Coffee? Please tell me he has coffee. And pop-tarts, those are important too.

Probably. So should we head there?

I'm sure there are more survivors who are meeting up.

But maybe we should regather everything and have a plan before we-

Up to you, Gilbert. I totally trust you. I mean at this point we are abfliwtdfym.

And what does that mean?

Almost best friends like I would tots die for you, maybe.

You really need to pick up on this kind of stuff if you want to actually be my best friend.

Right, so to my estranged father's cabin.

Um, Gredo, that is like the tenth time you've used a turn signal.

So?

We're in a zombie apocalypse. If there's people in the road, they're probably zombies. You just mow them over.

Ugh, it's been like 5 minutes since I last checked my makeup and hair.

Kourtney, what are you doing?

Gilligan, you're hogging my mirror!

My name's Garth, and I need that to see the road.

Wait!

How many fingers am I holding up?

7.

You really are blind.

What! No, you're holding up 7 fingers.

No, 8! I'm holding up-

Oh, okay.

Can I keep driving?

You can see?

Yes, my vision isn't that bad. I just prefer glasses.

Proceed.

So I know this is your dad's place, but do you think he would have makeup, specifically in the shade-

*gunshot*

Who the hell-

Griffin?

Well, the little nerd made it all the way here, and he brought Barbie.

Oh thank you! I know my makeup looks-

My god, she really is a Barbie. Look glasses- wait did you finally upgrade to contacts?

No, my glasses broke.

Well, that makes you even more useless.

We might be family but you two are just more bodies to feed, which means my supplies will just run out quicker.

Which means-

Hey!

His eyesight isn't that bad. And wait, you're related?

Cousins. Look Griffin-

You know Garth is useful.

Who?

Hi, I'm Ronan. Stoked to meet you. This is Sabine, she doesn't talk a whole lot but-

Got it. I'll buzz off.

Sabine, speak again!

She's not a dog.

I think Garth should stay. And she can, too. I guess.

Oh my God.

I know, she really needs to use more pastels or anything besides black.

You're goth girl.

Hey, no stereotyping.

No, I mean on the video game!

Yeah.

How the hell did you not know you were gaming with your cousin?

Hey, I've only seen you guys like twice! And Sabine didn't talk either time!

Why bother?

I'm so confused. Like I'm normally confused but right now-

You're like...

Same.

Your mom told my mom she was concerned with your social skills, so then she gave me 20 bucks to game with you.

I thought you just had a voice changer.

You thought I was a guy?

Well duh. Girls don't really game and when they do, they aren't-

Sorry.

Not cool, bro.

You guys, this is perfect. We can totally work together and-

Garth, you can stay. Barbie, you're out.

But Kourtney's useful.

You're lucky enough we're letting you stay.

And I appreciate it. Family has to-

It has nothing to do with family. You're smart, that's it.

If you're not useful then you're just a waste of space, and we don't need something pretty to look at.

Thank you!

Think about what she just said a little more.

Wow, I've never been considered more than a pretty face before.

You either come in now, alone, or leave.

Zombies don't try to eat Kourtney!

Explain.

Kourtney can walk past zombies without them attacking her.

If I find out you're lying then family or not, you are dead.

Great, can we go inside I want coffee?

Coffee!

I just want you to know that I totally support any decision you make and-

Go!

Why are you standing in the dark?

I like the dark.

It's not that dark.

I-I don't have an excuse.

Oh, because there isn't any power.

Wait, is there WiFi too?!

This place has its own setup. Power and water.

And WiFi?

No, no WiFi.

Well, that's okay! There's plenty to do! We could watch a movie-

No.

Okay, not a movie person.

What she means is, there aren't any TVs.

No, WiFi or TV! How am I supposed to watch the Bachelor or send my streaks?

No one would answer anyway.

How dare you? How did you know that no one was answering my snapchats?! They keep leaving me on seen and read!

Harsh.

Right?

Quiet!

Count yourselves lucky we have power and water.

Awkward.

So um, Griffin, how did you get in here anyway?

We walked right in. Well, I walked in the front door, and they waited on the porch.

So the security system was down?

Who has a security system and not a TV?

Wait.

I had to go first because I could've been blasted by a laser!

There weren't lasers. Probably would've just stepped into a bear trap.

Oh, oh. Cooler.

So no lasers and no TV!

No technology.

The most high-tech this place gets is a toilet, stove, fridge, and the digital alarm clock that I got for him.

He didn't exactly trust the government.

No, which is why he has a security system...

The whole system was down. The door wasn't even locked. And all the weapons are just gone.

Why wouldn't he be here? This is literally what he made this place for.

I don't know.

He does have a bunker in Wisconsin, but this place was his pride and joy.

If the system was down and his guns are gone, he isn't planning on coming back.

Good.

Wait, who's he?

Oh, I know this one! He's Gideon's weird father. He thought the Chinese would attack and built this place.

Wait, that's true?

I thought Sabine was lying. That's ridiculous.

If anything would attack, it would clearly be monkeys.

Really? I always thought that one day the government would send out a select virus to doctor offices.

And when you went in for a checkup and didn't fit the standard to populate their new superior race-

-You would be injected with the virus. Dead before you could even check your Instagram notifications.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Sorry, just wanted to feel like part of the team.

We aren't a team.

Yes, ma'am.

So what now?

Coffee!

Tomorrow we will come up with a plan of action.

For now, do whatever you want. Get something to eat, perishables only. And only one cup of coffee.

Oh, right!

Where's the Keurig?

There is no Keurig.

Okay, so where's the coffee maker?

Oh, are you making us dinner? I could really go for a salad light on the-

Sorry, there's no lettuce here. He was lactose intolerant, right?

Lactose intolerant means he was scared of ladders not lettuce.

Oh, that makes more sense!

No, my dad, he wasn't lactose intolerant.

But Sabine said-

You must've been thinking about Uncle Billy.

So, about that salad?

Touchy.

Pot, water, coffee, stove, stir.

Cool, ice, drink, sprite, Lebron James.

What?

Oh, I get it!

Prada, shoes, Gucci, me, hot, Instagram-

Stop! I was giving you instructions to make coffee.

That makes so much more sense!

I thought we were playing a game where the next word you say has to connect to your previous word.

Really?

I thought we were just saying our search history.

That's even better.

You seriously searched me?

No, I searched "me."

Fine, I'll make the coffee. Just find something to eat away from me.

You are the blpgbapda!

I'm not goth.

You understood her?

You didn't?

What is that? Tar!

It's coffee, black coffee.

Where's the flavor, the love, the sugar?

It's coffee.

It's more than coffee. It's a cup full of warmth, comfort, hope-

If you don't want to drink it-

No, it's mine.

Here.

So, is this where we're supposed to get to know each other?

Bond over our traumatic back stories and explore character development.

I can go first! I was born on-

We are definitely not doing that.

Yeah, we do have better odds of surviving if we don't have fleshed out character arcs and back stories.

Hangman! Can I go first? Q!

No.

Vowels? D.

We aren't playing hangman. We need to have a lookout.

What?

I think she's saying we need to change outfits, so we can have a look outfit.

Oh, an outfit that is totally a look.

Exactly, maybe we can-

Guys, she means we need someone to keep watch at all times, so nobody or no zombies come without us noticing.

That too! So a lookout then a "lookout"!

For tonight, we'll have a rough schedule. Barbie, you have first watch from-

Actually my name's spelled with a K. It's Kourtney not Courtney.

Fine.

While we're on this subject, I've noticed all of you have been saying my name wrong.

But there's no audible difference. Courtney and Kourtney sound the same.

Now, that's just rude. How would you feel if someone called you Gale, Giovanni?

My name's Garth.

I am so sorry, Kourtney.

Thank you.

And he just said it right?

Guys it's simple, Kourtney not Courtney.

Exactly.

We are going to die.

Courtney.

No, no, no.

Courtney.

No.

Courtney.

No. Dude, come on.

Kourtney.

Yes! That was right.

Courtney.

Aw, you lost it.

Look, you just had it. Try it again.

K and C sound exactly the same.

No, really emphasize the K.

Look, Kourtney, this is-

You did it!

I've never been prouder.

Thanks, guys. Kourtney?

Yep.

No, I'm not doing that.

That must have been so hard.

All my life everyone has been saying my name wrong. Sometimes I think they did it on purpose to spite me.

That's terrible.

Horrible, where's Griffin?

She left hours ago.

She needs to learn to say my name right, too!

Get out! I will end you!

I wouldn't worry about it.

She'll probably just call you Barbie anyway.

One, two, three.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

It's still not time.

Oh, gotta stay quiet.

It's time.

Sh, come on.

You're so squeamish. You really need to woman up.

Man up, not woman up.

No, women are so much tougher than men. Once a month our vaginas attempt suicide and then-

No, you're right. Yep, totally right.

Don't be so stupendous.

Squeamish and stupendous. How did-

Oh, it's the coffee.

Interesting... You do know what stupendous means though, right?

Seriously, Gary? It's alright if you don't know what it means. No need to be ash-hamed.

Cool, noted.

Um, you know that you can go to bed now?

I know, but I had two cups of coffee.

Thanks by the way for letting me have yours too, that was really stupendous of you.

Thanks, Kourtney. It really isn't that big of a deal though. I don't drink coffee.

That really is stupendous.

Kourtney?

Yes?

Stupendous doesn't mean stupid.

Of course not. It means really stupid.

*Kourtney starts to sing*

*thud*

So I know we said we weren't going-

To dive into our pasts and reveal our character?

I was going to say have more than 1 cup of coffee.

I'm not making you more coffee.

Grayson, sorry, I mean Giselle, tell me about your life.

Well, firstly my name is still Garth. And what do you want to know?

Anything a bff should know about her bff. So literally everything.

How cute do you think Chad is? Who's hotter Harry Styles or Shawn Mendes? And what's your Starbucks drink order?

Harry Styles.

Right! Like Shawn, sorry don't see it. Harry is just, well you know.

He has a great chin?

He does, he so does!

Kourtney?

Kourtney?

Was it something I said? Do I need to answer your other questions?

Kourtney?

Starbucks. Starbucks, there's a Starbucks around. Do you need more coffee?

Kourtney?

Holy Guacamole, I broke her. Crap, should I-

Damn.

Kourtney?

Sorry, I had my coffee crash. Then I started to think what Harry would look like as a zombie and if I would still, well you know.

Oh.

I would. I still would.

Would you?

I'm not-

Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Gotta get my beauty sleep. Goodnight.

Technically, good morning.

What?

Goodnight.

Thanks for earlier.

I don't like coffee anyway.

I meant for standing up for me. For saying that I'm useful, for giving me a place.

Oh, uh. No problem. You're a badass.

Thanks, Gar. You're a badass, too.

Griffin, won't kick you out. She won't be nice to you but she won't-

You don't think she'll throw me in the middle of a zombie horde to test what you said?

No, no! Of course not... Hopefully not.

Cause it's not exactly true like zombies don't try to eat me. Like not they def would.

I probably taste good, like pop-tarts and Gucci.

Don't worry, Courtney.

Kourtney not Courtney.

Oh, right! Sorry.

Goodnight, Gaylord.

Wake up!

What happened? Is everyone okay? Are you okay?

It's time to work.

Who would have thought the zombie apocalypse requires more participation than high school?

You all have 15 minutes. Eat and get ready.

Meet here in 15 that includes you, Barbie.

Does bad eyesight run in your family?

She ignored you on purpose.

She wouldn't do that, that's mean.

That's Griffin.

What'd you want to ask?

Oh, I was going to tell her that I take at least 4 hours to get ready if I have a curler and put makeup on.

We have neither of those.

Oh okay, so then only an hour.

You have 15 minutes.

Fine, it's fine. I can totally do this. Ronan, make coffee. Gar, I need you to pump me up.

What?

Excite me. Motivate me. Inspire me. Do you not know the list?

What list?

The best friend forever list. It's a thing. You have to know it and be able to do all of it if we're going to be bffs, George.

Is knowing your bff's name on the list?

Of course, why wouldn't it be?

13 minutes!

We'll discuss this later. Just make me a pop-tart, Gavin.

I call this song My Post-Apokalyptic Lover.

No. Oh God.

There's a girl that makes my heart hover.

And I call her my post-apokalyptic lover.

And I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop dreaming about her.

I'll take five because she's the love, the love of my life.

Are you done?

You done?

Yeah.

Great. Where's Barbie?

Um, I think she's still- there she is.

I did it! A new record time, take note of that Gerald.

We have to fortify this place today.

Ronan, you'll be with me. We're going to make this cabin a death sentence for anyone who approaches.

Rad.

Sabine, you-

*Kourtney is loud with wrapper*

You map out what's near us and what supplies those locations would have.

Garth, you figure out how this all started. Everything that's going on. Is it just America that's impacted? Anything you-

*Kourtney chews loudly*

She didn't mean any disrespect or-

Is that good?

Pop-tarts? Pop-tarts are like when you go to Target, and they have a Starbucks. They are amazing.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Breakfast is over. It was included in the 15 minutes. Understood?

Yes, sir.

Barbie, you need to count all the food and sort it.

I want to know how much of each item we have. Sort them into perishable and imperishable.

Done.

You do know how to count, right?

I passed 8th grade.

8th grade? Nice! I didn't learn until 11th.

Aren't you a senior?

No, I'm a second year senior.

Oh, cool. I-

Come on, Ronan.

I gotta go find a radio. Start with the fridge then the pantry then the room by the bathroom.

Okay, thanks.

Perishable means if we don't eat it quickly then it goes bad.

And imperishable?

The opposite.

Oh, that makes sense.

What are you doing?

I finished making the list!

Shit, this can't be right. Barbie, are you sure-

It's right. I double checked it. He really cleared everything out. You already done?

Yep! I would not go outside if I were you, unless you have Griffin.

She really boobied the trap out of that one... or would it be trapped the booby?

Are you done?

Yeah.

I got the radio working.

And?

It's just America.

Then that means we just have to make it to Mexico, and we're safe?

That's the problem, no other country is letting Americans in. No matter the circumstance.

That's fine. Long term goal is to get out of the States. How did all this happen?

I'm not completely sure, but I am 97.398% sure it was the government.

You're sure it wasn't monkeys?

The difference?

My dad hated technology, but he did go to the public library to use their computers to talk on some very sketchy doomsdayer websites that knew way too much about everything.

He was tipped off before this got out. And took most of his stuff and drove to Canada.

Why Canada? I would drive to Hawaii.

Really? I would go to Utah.

And you know all this how?

Okay, but that could mean anything.

Oh.

Shit.

What now?

We need to get more supplies. He took off with a lot of them. Sabine, where's the closest place?

Neighbor's cabin. Around 2 miles west.

Ronan, Barbie, let's go.

I call shotgun.

Dang it!

We aren't driving.

That's funny. But the last time I checked it's not opposite day, or is it?

Is it?

No.

Ugh, I can't check the calendar website that tells you all the special occasions for today!

Now that is the whitest, girliest thing I've ever heard.

Thanks.

Ronan, Barbie, you've got 10 minutes to get ready. Find a weapon and-

Can I have your gun?

No! Kourtney!

Why do you get the gun? It's the only gun.

Do you even know how to use a gun?

Every day for 7 months my brother would come into my room at exactly 6:24.

Because he knows that is the best time to snapchat. The WiFi is great, the signal is perfect, and I just look absolutely amazing.

He would come into my room and shoot me with a Nerf gun until it was 6:25 and then it was over.

I did everything I could think of to deter him. I locked the door, I barricaded the door, I told mom, but it never stopped him.

So I did the only logical thing a 17 year old girl could do, I bought an airsoft gun and I trained until I was the perfect shot.

I trained for 3 weeks then I waited for him to open that door.

When he opened that door, I landed every single one of my shots into his no-no region.

So yes, I know how to use a gun.

Wow.

Nice.

Good, but I'm still keeping the gun.

How many zombies have you killed?

What?

You've made yourself leader, but I'm not sure if you are the most qualified.

And you are?

One, I'm really hot. Two, I'm a very good speaker. Three, do you see this bod?

Four, I got an A in algebra despite never going to class. Five, I've killed at least 38 zombies.

Six, I'm a girl and we have to support each other. Ten, I'm really, hot.

She has killed a lot of zombies.

Why would you have to kill them if they don't try to eat you?

Well, that's like-

Because she's a ruthless killer.

Sure.

I've killed 1 zombie.

Probably about 8.

1.

What?

How many zombies have you killed? I bet at least 100, right? Or maybe even more like 200!

I haven't had to kill any.

What?

I haven't had to kill any! Because I'm smart. This is stupid. You two, meet me at the door in 10 minutes.

I'm scared.

What's that, Barbie?

Oh, just admiring the trees.

They are pretty.

Sure.

Hey, how much further?

About half a mile.

Do you know if any females would have-

You can have any makeup we find.

Yes!

*zombies groan*

Ew, okay that wasn't me. Pop-tart farts have more of a-

Where are they?

Found them. They can't get us up here though-

Hey, that is so not cool! Ronan, a little help.

Yeah.

No.

Seriously, is it because I said that your arms are bigger than your boobs?

I mean, that's just a fact.

I'm just seeing if you were telling the truth.

Garth said you wouldn't shove me into a horde of zombies!

Well, that's stupid.

Can I have the gun now?

No, you have a bat.

Fine.

Hey, watch it! Ronan Junior!

Oh God, oh God, beans!

Now can you help me up?

Yeah, come on.

That literally proved nothing.

Seriously, that didn't prove that I'm useful?

*gunshot*

Why did you do that?

Show us that zombies won't eat you and then we'll pull you up.

I already killed all the zombies.

I've been thinking. Can you really kill a zombie?

OMG, I thought about that too! Like aren't they already considered dead, or are they the undead? So like what does that-

Why are you all so rude?

Ugh, this is so stupid. Griffin, please let me up. Griffin, please!

Well, alright.

Thank you.

Come on, Kourtney.

No, Ronan.

But they'll-

They'll do nothing to her. Yes, they will.

Wait, you can't leave me! I'm useful! They don't try to-

You are acting like a zombie and are covered in their blood.

If I did the same they wouldn't try to eat me either. Sorry, we don't need you. The cabin is too small for five people.

Griffin, I am not leaving her here!

You will if I say you will.

*Garth clears his throat*

Where did you-

He was my dad. I know his cabin way better than you do. Ronan, help Kourtney up.

Ronan, don't you-

*gun cocks*

Seriously, you chose her over me.

No one should have to be chosen, Griffin.

You let Barbie stay then I'm leaving.

Griffin, it doesn't-

Then leave.

Um, so do I get to come up or not? Like Pam is nice, but she's still a zombie.

Why are you trying to protect her?

Why do you always have to start with violence?

You know why!

So, you followed us?

Yeah, neither of us trusted Griffin with you alone.

Hey, I was there too!

And you were going to help Kourtney?

Well, no but- no offense, Kourt.

It's all good. Thank you.

I figured not letting your cousin kill your best friend is on the list.

It's actually not, but thanks anyway.

This is your last chance.

I'm not going with you.

Fine. Garth?

Oh, sorry, no.

Ronan, let's go.

I'm not sure. Where are we going?

To rule the apocalyptic world, where else?

Griffin, I don't think-

Fine.

Bye losers.

Ronan take care of Sabine. Garth try not to die. Barbie, please die.

Wait!

Why didn't you go with her?

She's self-destructive.

Other-destructive too! Why does she hate me so much? I'm likable, right?

No.

Really?

Yes, but that's not why she doesn't like you.

Okay, so why does she hate me?

She just hates your type.

My type? But I'm a hot commodity like Starbucks.

Popular. She hates popular.

Oh, why?

Sorry, that's not my place to tell.

Sabine should go with her.

She's already gone.

If you are hearing this, we have established a safe zone, just past the border of-

*music swells*