All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S03E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

You're probably
wondering what we're doing.

Short answer,
saving the earth.

Again.

I'm not leaving without you.

I need something soft
to land on.

Previously on
this filmed documentary program,

or whatever the fuck
this is supposed to be.

Behind this door is
the living quarters of The Sire.

The actual Sire?

Do not ever open this door.

- Peekaboo.

As I was saying,

- do not ever...
- Open the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

As leader of...

Coleader.

...of the Vampiric Council,
it is one of my...

Our.

...our duties
to be looking after The Sire.

The Sire is the original vampire

from which all other vampires
are descended.

Over the centuries,

it has devolved into a horrific
and fearsome creature.

He is one very angry,
very crispy piece of crust.

But its continued health
is of extreme importance

for the fate
of all vampire-kind.

So, uh, why are we
talking to you about The Sire?

- Um...

It is a fucking mess down here.

No one is respecting
my organizational system.

What are you
pissing on about?

Look at this.

What is the point
of having a glowing orb section

if you're gonna put the glowing
orb in the monkey paw section?

I've just got to find this
stupid magic flute for Laszlo.

He wants to use it
to seduce some mail woman,

and to be honest,
I'm here for it.

Oh, shit.

- What is it?
- Shit, shit, shit,

The Sire!
- shit!

- He is... Oh...

- Open-open the door, Nandor.
- Yes.

Got it.

- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Oh, damn.

- Oh.

Oh, The Sire.

Sire.

Oh, no.

It seems that The Sire
was so hungry

that it took the
sharpened bones of its victims

and tunneled a hole in the wall.

I can't believe it.

Little rascal.

I can't believe you

managed to mess this up
so badly, Nandor.

It was your job
to feed The Sire.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

What?

So, yeah,

turns out I never actually

told Nandor to feed The Sire.

How is this my fault?

Because I said to you that

you're the one to be responsible
for feeding The Sire.

What have I done?

I was meaning to.

I even wrote it
on a sticky note.

"Ask Nandor Feed Sire."

But I never actually got around
to giving him the message.

So, you know, I think
it's very difficult to say

who's at fault, really.

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪

♪ They have no use
for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪

Why are you just
fucking sitting there?!

- We're all gonna fucking die!
All die.

Oh, my love.
Please don't tell me

you believe in this bullshit?
- Of course I do.

If the vampire that
turns you dies, then you die.

So, if the original vampire
dies, you all die?

All die.
No,
it's a fucking urban myth.

Like ghosts or large penises.

You don't want to help?
Fine.

I will fix this.

Since this is all
my big dumb stupid fault.

No, Master.
Yes.

- Control that hellhound!
Nandor, wait!

- Nandor...
- People will believe anything
these days.

Absolutely anything.

I tell you,
if what they're saying is true,

both my wife and I
would be dead by now.

- Yeah.
- The Baron obviously
turned my wife into a vampire

and she turned me
into a vampire.

You two should be dead because
The Baron is definitely dead.

- Absolutely.

The Baron is definitely dead.

Yeah, burnt to a crisp
and buried in the backyard.

In the back garden, as we speak.

- Fuck. Get a shovel.
- Yeah.

Gizmo!

I am not accustomed

to taking responsibility
for my missteps.

When I was
a military general,

if there was a problem
in one of my various wars,

I would simply
blame another nation

and then we would
go to war with them.

And so on, etcetera.
We've all been there.

But, as leader
of the Vampiric Council...

Coleader!

I must swallow my pride
and do what is right.

It says here that the correct
name for The Sire

is, in fact, uh,
"G-G-Gajillarum"?

I think you swallow the "G,"
so it's like "Yarilariur."

It doesn't seem right.

- Are you sure?
No.

I need to figure this out before
my press conference begins.

No, what? We don't need
to do a press conference,

we just need
to capture the bloody thing.

No! I need to let
the vampire community know

what is happening
and put their mind at ease.

'Cause it is I who have failed
to perform a very simple job.

I don't think we need to-- Oh.

Over the power of the ether,

I hereby summon

the vampire society's
most respected journalists,

news anchors,
bloggers, vloggers

and high school yearbook
editors.

- Oh, it worked.

Thank you all for coming.

Is this thing on?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Uh...

But now is not the time
for jokes.

This evening,

at approximately 9:53
in the p.m. Staten Island time,

the creature known as The Sire,

- aka Girlyjim...
- Nailed it.

...escaped
Vampiric Council watch

and is currently at large

- in the tristate area,
exact location unknown.

I, Nandor The Relentless,

co-supreme leader
of the Vampiric Council,

- do hereby accept full
responsibility for this misstep.

- Time for questions.
I have a question!
- Coleader Nandor.

- Yes?
- Coleader Nandor, hi.

Uh, Lars Murderbone,
Orlando Sentinel.

Is there currently
any kind of plan in place

to capture The Sire?

We have a plan and it is
going absolutely perfectly.

- So, you can go.
- Yes.

And you know, there's a lot
of speculation saying,

"Oh, this is gonna be the end
of vampires as we know it."

- What?!
- No one asked.

Even if that did happen,
we've had a wonderful run,

haven't we?
We've had a great time.

- You've doomed us all!
- Oh, no!

Okay, bye.

You have just made things
significantly worse.

- No. No.

- Dig there.
That's literally
what I'm doing right now.

Well, dig deeper.

I can't remember
where we buried the bastard.

Might this be him?

Uh, that might not.

That is the census taker, 1990.

- What about this chap?
Nope.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Now that rock
is beginning to ring a bell.

That rock there.

That does ring a bell,
that rock.

Baron? Are you there?

Yes.

Oh, my God.
Shit.

Did you hear that?
Baron?

Yes?
It's over there.

- Baron?
- Baron?
I am here.

Here, here.
Start digging, man.
Here. Come on.

- Shit.

Big pull now.
Almost there.

- Well, fancy seeing you here,
Baron.

- We thought you were dead.

Well, no, I am not.

You see,
when you buried me,

I was pretty much dead,
but not completely dead.

Give The Baron his last sip.

Of course.

Shall we just get him in?

Yeah.
Goodbye, Baron.

I was able to slowly
regain my strength,

subsisting on the blood-soaked dirt

of the many, many humans
you have buried out here.

That was a bit of luck.

Now, I did try to dig my way
to the surface

using just my mouth

and this one arm
that is fused to my chest.

I guess I was digging sideways
instead of up.

Yeah, that'll happen
when your arm is, uh, yeah.

Soon, I recovered enough
to cry out

and beg you to dig me up.

Uh, "Help! Help!" I cried.

- Oh, okay. That was you, then.
Right.

Yeah, I heard the screams,

but I just thought it was
someone in the neighborhood

in grave danger.
I was like, "Not my problem."

That is all in the past,

because I am now back,
and I have never felt better.

If I,
if I could just... get...
Well, you look good.

Oh, oh. Almost.
Ah. Yes, okay.

There we go.
Okay.

- Who wants to get smacked first?
Oh.

Yeah, it was
a little nerve-racking

seeing The Baron again,
considering our-our history.

But he doesn't seem
to remember anything.

He was on a lot of
drug blood that night, so...

What he don't
know won't hurt him, or me.

So nice to be back in the arms

- of a big, strong boy. Mwah.

But this means that
that Sire theory--

"If he dies they all die"--

that might be real.

Sorry, Baron. Urgent matter.

We must attend to it. Bye!

Feed him. A simple task.

I accept full responsibility.

I don't see how that helps us.

Oh, good evening,
my sweet companions.

The Baron. You're alive... ish.

- Well, catch me up.
Have you taken over America?
Uh...

Well, we've, um, taken over
the local Vampiric Council.

- Huzzah!

Yes, huzzah!

But it's not going so great.

Understatement of the year.

What she said.

Yes, you've picked
a bit of a shitty time

- to come back from the dead.
I see.

Uh, speaking of which,
could one of you be a dear

and push my eye back in?

- Guillermo?
- Guillermo.

- Also, I think one of my ears
fell off in the foyer,

- if we could...
- Which one?
- Does it matter?

Which ear was it again?
The right one.

We need to find The Sire!

I believe his theory.
I always have.

Oh. Shit. They're right,
what are we doing?

- Nobody panic. Everybody...
I'm not panicking!

We're all gonna die!

My sword.

Come on,
there's no time to waste!

Help!

Sorry, there's not chalkboard in
here, so I had to use my mouth.

So, you want to catch a vampire,
huh?

Well, it ain't gonna be easy.

It's not like catching rats
or elderly joggers.

Joggers.
Yeah, that's Jaws, 1975.

The shark kept malfunctioning,
and so Spielberg...

Shut up!

You promoted me
to be a bodyguard.

I believe that
I should be in charge

of catching The Sire.

- All right.
- Yeah. Fuck it.
- What?

- Okay, fine.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Don't give a shit.

Now wait just a moment.

You are going to place
the fate of all vampire-kind

into the hands of your familiar?

Well, he's actually
quite a skilled vampire hunter.

- I mean, he killed you.

-...gene, he killed Eugene.
A very powerful vampire.
- Oh.

Maybe later we'll talk
about Eugene some more,

but, Guide Lady,
I need you to check in

with your intel sources.

How do you know
I have intel sources?

Oh, you don't?

No, I-I do have
intel sources. The Watchers.

Nadja, why don't you
go with her, tag along?

- Maybe you'll learn
a thing or two.

And, Laszlo, why don't you
change your shoes,

'cause those don't look comfy
at all, and you're gonna

- do some groundwork, okay?
- Why don't you get fucked?

Okay. And you go get me
a glass of water, no ice.

Yeah, I wouldn't have a clue

where you would find
something like that.

Don't get cocky.
Eat shit, Guillermo.

Have you got some sack,
my boy.

So then, if you don't need me,
I'll be on my way.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, Guillermo.

- Not so fast.

- Not so fast, old chap.
Okay, then.

What are you waiting for?
You have your orders. Go.

- Let's do it.
- Come on.

When I'm in desperate need
of information,

I have two go-to sources.

The Watchers.

Are they meeting us here, or...?

Oh, they're here already.

They've always been here.

I mean, at least
since this building was built.

Hello, ladies.

- Oh, yeah.

- Honey, it's been way too long.
- Oh.

And looks like
you finally made a friend.

Hello.
We have
a desperate emergency.

We were wondering
if anyone has spotted

an ancient vampire on the loose?

- About four-foot-nine.
Horrible face.
Oh, my.

Completely naked.

Genitalia like nothing
you've ever seen.

You'd be surprised
at what I have seen,

but no,
not ringing any bells.

Speaking of ringing bells,
listen to this.

You know how
Count Blake the Torturous

is selling
his haunted clock tower?

- Yes.
- Well, it turns out

they had to lower
the asking price, twice.

- Twice!
- In this market?

I know. Just because
it has half a staircase

doesn't make it a duplex.

Also, yeah, they're, like,
super gossipy bitches.

Oh! Sorry! This is very urgent!

- Back to it, please.
We need your help.
- No fun.

All right, I'll check in with
some of the other gargoyles.

Thank you.

Oh, you know, I've heard
this sound at night sometimes,

but I always just thought
it was a passing truck.

Huh!

- Oh.

All right, all right,
I've got something for you.

So, hearing from one
of my 'goyles out in Queens...

"'Goyles." We get it.

Low-hanging fruit
has never made me laugh.

Your sense of humor
is so fucking interesting.

Oh, shut up, you old cooze.

- The Sire! The Sire!
- You got it.

A creature
that matches that description

was spotted in Ozone Park.

- Ozone Park. Got it.
- Come on!

- Thank you.
- Uh, wait! Don't you have
any hot goss for us?

Quid pro quo, Clarice.

Sorry. Fresh out.

- Got to run!
- Oh! Nice!

I guess see you next time
you need something from us.

- What a pair of messy bitches.
- Yeah.

I'm obsessed.

Sire!
- Where's that magic flute

- when you need it?
Shush, Laszlo.

All right, everyone,

stay alert and stay vigilant.

Careful. He might be hiding
up a tree.

Oh...

Stop!

- What is that?
- Look at these footsteps.

- Something's not right.
- Careful!

Just like I suspected.

Vampire piss.

How do you know
what vampire piss tastes like?

- Just trust me, okay?
- Hmm.

Judging by these tracks,

he's headed... south.

Oh.
- Okay, you heard Piss Man.
Let's move.

- She calls for us to move!
- I just fucking said it.

She just fucking said it!

I made a posting
on the website Nextdoor

asking if anyone saw
anything suspicious,

but it-it just kind of
turned into

- an orgy of racism.

- Okay! Come on! This way!
Oh, we must hurry.

- Go, Hellhound. Go, baby.

Careful, careful.

Looks like The Sire stopped
for a snack.

Oh, little snack.
- Probably the security guard.

Yum.
- It's like the meat has been
sucked out from the inside,

like a hairy crab leg.

- He probably took the carcass
inside.
- The what?

- The "cuh-cass." The "cuh-cass."
- Yes,

-"cuh-cass."
- Which means one thing.

He's trapped.

- This is our chance.
- Great.

- Well, you go ahead
and we'll wait here.
- No!

- All your lives depend on this!
- All vampires' lives!

Not mine. Not energy vampires.

This is hopeless.

The sun is going to come up
and, when it does,

it's going to kill that thing
and then we're all going to die

and it's all because of me!

Fucking...

Stop feeling sorry
for yourself, okay?

And help me help you fix this!

Let's go kill that Sire.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yes. Well, no, no!

Let's not kill.
We're not gonna kill it.

- Whoa there, beast! Heel!

No, we're not
gonna kill it, remem...
Cursed brute!

A little help, please?

Wow, that freak really tore
this place up.

Where is
the ravenous little monster?

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

Nadja, Laszlo,
you'll find The Sire

and corner him
to the back of the store

while Colin Robinson, Nandor
and myself will be there

waiting for him
so he doesn't escape.

And, uh,

Guide Lady and The Baron...

Mm-hmm.
-...whatever you do,
just do it quietly.

- GUIDE

Come on, my darling. Let's head
for the women's intimates.

- This way.
- Can you stop flashing
that thing in my eyes?

Sorry.

Yoo-hoo!

Grijillium.

Now, if I had my magic flute,

this would all be over
in two minutes.

Would you shut the fuck up
about your pissing magic flute?

My magic flute works.

- Grianjistun!

Bloody shit! There he is!

Oh!
- Whoa!

- Shit.

Dring Grinjly.

- Gruj-Grujum!

Oh.

Jin-Jingreelij.

We've come to take you home to
your lovely, cozy prison cell!

What is he doing?

We need something
to get his attention.

Yeah, well, we might be in luck.

We don't have a magic flute.

We got one of these.
Don't mind if I do.

- Careful.

- Oh, yes. That's right.

Come on, big green baby.
Yes, come to Mama.

- Oh, Laszlo, look out!

- My darling!

Fuck me.

Leave him alone!

- Stop it!

Leave my husband alone!

Laszlo!

My darling! Oh!

Are you dead?! My love.

- I think
I swallowed the harmonica.

- Where is that thing?

If I had more time, I would
build something more advanced,

obviously, but...

I think this will get
the job done.

They didn't have any armor,
so I had to make do.

Yeah. See?
Yeah, that'll do it.
- Yes.

Yeah.
- All we need now is bait.

No. No.

Yes.
- No.

Why do I have to be tied
to this rope?

So that we can yank you back

moments before you are
viciously mauled.

- Shit. What the fuck is this?

Greetings and salutations!

Laszlo, enough.

You did not swallow
a bloody harmonica.

- Yes... I... did.

Human bait. Obviously! We should
have done this from the start!

Nice little car, Baron!

Oh, I am controlling it
with my mind.

Looking good.

That's great.
Where-where is The Sire, though?

He lunged at us.
And he moves like lightning.

So be prepared to yank that rope

and the human bait
very, very quickly.

Don't care about it. Just yank.

-Negabme.
Shit.

Quick! Get out of here!
He can see us!

Make yourself look appetizing,
Guillermo.

Shake your moneymaker.

Enough of this.

Why did you yank me early?

That's what she said.

I just found out
about that series of jokes.

Because you should not be
in this situation.

This is all my doing.

I should be the one that goes
toe to toe with the beast.

Nandor, wait.

Uh, I have something
I need to tell you.

Okay.

I don't think
you should wear that helmet,

because it's going to make
absolutely no difference

when The Sire is crushing you
and mincing you to smithereens.

- Uh, I...
- You look very stupid.

- Okay.
- Take it off.

And I appreciate
you telling me that.

You are a good friend.

Thanks for nothing.

- But I was... trying to save...
- Wish me luck.

Luck.
- Good luck.

Hello, Mr. Sire!
I'm coming to visit with you!

Hey! Hey!

- Hey! Quit!
Can you not do that, please?!
- Neberme ate.

- That's not very nice! Hey!

-Neberme ate.
- Please don't do that.

What is Nandor doing?

The beast just wants to be free.

-Neberme ate.
- Ha-ha! Can't catch me! Ow!

- How do you know that?
- Well, that is
what it keeps saying.

"Neberme ate." Which means
"do not take me back"

in the ancient vampire tongue.

I thought we all knew this.

You speak its language?

But of course.

- Master, wait! I'm coming!
- Wh...

- Whoa!
It's fine.
It's going great.

I think he's getting tired.

- Speak to it. Speak to it.
- Why should I have to speak...

Ko ne dabas, mek?

Ne, ne, ne.

- Oh, oh!

What's so G-damn funny?

Oh. Ladies and gentlemen,

everything is okay now.

Uh, you see,
Goeëjlrm here thought

that you guys wanted
to kill him.

- We did.
What?
- No, it-- No.

No, no, no, no.

Of course not!

- But now that he has been fed

and knows that he is safe,
everything is okay.

- Oh.
- Enter kate ne atgavo.

Ah. And if you try
to put him back in that cell,

he's going to rip each
of your throats out.

- Fair enough.
- Eh.
We could add

some extra hay, you know,

maybe a rope swing.

Enter kate ne atgavo!

- Copy that!
Makes perfect sense.

Come on, old friend.

No one's going to hurt you.

- Can I just say,
on behalf of us--

Oh, fuck it. Doesn't matter.

So we were able to get The Sire

back under
Vampiric Council control.

See? No one's going to hurt you.
We are all, uh, your friends.

Turns out The Sire had
an absolutely excellent sense

of humor. Very dry.

Do you think he'd mind it
if I pulled his tail?

- He likes it!
No, no.
Aah!

Nandor, leave it,
you fucking idiot.

And we have sorted out

a much more suitable
living situation.

For all involved.

Well, frankly, it has turned out

to be a pretty terrific setup
for all three of us.

-Butam vednum.
Oh.

Goeëjlrm has comfort

and space and companionship.

Neves ton tyeknon itho?

Yes, that infernal squirrel.

It drives him to madness.

And the hound

has been able
to really be itself.

Ah, well,

I am thankful
to no longer be suckling

-blood-soaked dirt underground.

- Oh.

It is time.

And we are able
to regularly feed thanks

to the online service
Airbnb.com.

Hello. Is this
the Rustic Remote Airbnb rental?

Yes. Do come in.

You're just in time for...

dinner.

Ladies and gentlemen...

-...we got him.

You got him!

♪ He came bursting
out of nowhere♪

♪ Like a sphere into the sky♪

♪ And he cast his light
on everything♪

♪ It was like he'd never die♪

♪ And he landed
right on target♪

♪ But the target rolled away♪

♪ And it left him
pointing nowhere♪

♪ You could heard
the children say♪

♪ He's the fellow,
the man who invented himself.♪

Hillary.

Hillary, wake up.

I'm sorry.

For what?

There's been an event

the world over.

Everywhere, they're gone.

I just can't
make sense of it.

How did he survive?

Why him?

Please try to avoid
sudden ships and wait.

Sorry. Hey!

My name is B.J. Novak.
I want to tell you
about the show I made.

Every episode
is completely different.

Pop-culture. Sex.

- MAN Revenge.
Guns.

Must be training
for something

[SPUTTERS]Meaningful issues...

Celebrity worship is better.

...explored through
meaningless comedy.

You never forget
a scrotum like that.

Haunts my dreams.

That's it.