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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,157 --> 00:00:08,842 Oh, The Conners is live right now 2 00:00:08,892 --> 00:00:11,061 in front of a fully vaccinated studio audience. 3 00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,646 Wait, what? 4 00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:15,933 Hey, I thought D.J. wasn't allowed to cook 5 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:18,819 since the great grease fire of '07. 6 00:00:18,869 --> 00:00:20,037 Leave him alone. 7 00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:22,372 I'm just happy to see two people cooking in this kitchen 8 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:23,840 at the same time. 9 00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:26,076 It gives the illusion... 10 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,911 that all of our appliances... 11 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:30,731 - ...actually work. - [Laughter] 12 00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:34,451 You know, I think doing that all the time 13 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:37,604 finally broke the seal that keeps the microwaves in. 14 00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:39,540 I was heating up a cup of tea 15 00:00:39,590 --> 00:00:43,110 and it cooked the chicken that was sitting on the counter. 16 00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,795 You know, you can still change your mind 17 00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,413 about marrying into this group of maniacs. 18 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:50,267 Yeah. Because once you're in, you can't get out. 19 00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,953 I know. I tried. 20 00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:55,822 Just stop. She ain't ascared of none of you's. 21 00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,625 Oh, sure, she's only seen us on our best behavior. 22 00:00:58,675 --> 00:01:00,661 This is your best behavior? 23 00:01:00,877 --> 00:01:02,296 Have you ever seen one of us 24 00:01:02,346 --> 00:01:04,348 wash our feet in the kitchen's sink while you're here? 25 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,267 No, ma'am, you have not. 26 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,502 Hey, have you heard from Ben 27 00:01:08,552 --> 00:01:10,404 since he said he was thinking about breaking up with you? 28 00:01:10,454 --> 00:01:13,624 - Nope. - Oh, I think you're playing it right. 29 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,459 The best thing you can do 30 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,227 is give him the space he asked for. 31 00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:18,762 Oh, yeah, I'm done with that. 32 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,598 Nothing good ever came from a man thinking too long. 33 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,968 I did put down a hefty deposit 34 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,987 on an apartment to move in with him. 35 00:01:27,037 --> 00:01:29,473 'Cause I want him to be sure that I want to live with him. 36 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,592 Wow. There's an empowering message. 37 00:01:31,642 --> 00:01:32,809 "I don't care what my kids want, 38 00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,245 I'm getting my man's back." 39 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:36,913 Okay, all right, you'll understand when 40 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,532 you've destroyed a relationship 41 00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:41,335 by being a pathological liar like your mother. 42 00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,621 Hey. When I lie, I lie strategically. 43 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,940 Pathological makes it sound like I can't control it. 44 00:01:46,990 --> 00:01:50,243 You were still going to Hawaii behind Ben's back. 45 00:01:50,294 --> 00:01:52,396 Stop using the truth against me. 46 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,765 Hey, Dad. I'm sorry about dropping that bomb 47 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,933 about me moving out without any warning. 48 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,169 It's always hard when your menopausal kid 49 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:01,388 moves out for the fourth or fifth time. 50 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,007 Oh, oh. 51 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,476 Mark's shirt is not tucked in and there's no product in his hair. 52 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,178 Something is wrong. 53 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:10,847 You're okay or you just give up like the rest of us? 54 00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:13,600 I was up all night working on a school project. 55 00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:15,636 Magnet school is way harder than I thought. 56 00:02:15,686 --> 00:02:16,870 Yeah. That's what you get for 57 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,657 trying to pull yourself out of generational poverty. 58 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:25,445 We're rooting for you, but we'll save you a spot. 59 00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,631 My project is kind of about that. 60 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,416 Some scientists say that choices 61 00:02:29,466 --> 00:02:31,051 we think we're making of our own free will 62 00:02:31,101 --> 00:02:32,352 are really determined by our genes. 63 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,888 So, I'm gonna call our relatives all around the country 64 00:02:34,938 --> 00:02:36,390 and see if they're like us. 65 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,308 Or there might be a Conners gene. 66 00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,911 Wouldn't be faster to just start looking for a cure? 67 00:02:42,346 --> 00:02:45,499 I know I would be interested in something like that. 68 00:02:45,549 --> 00:02:47,034 What are you going to ask them? 69 00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,569 Well, I'm gonna see if they share any of our family traits. 70 00:02:49,619 --> 00:02:53,273 Low paying jobs, distrust of authority, alcoholism... 71 00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:55,976 I just need the phone numbers of decent members of our family. 72 00:02:56,026 --> 00:02:59,112 I have anticipated this. 73 00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:01,748 I have carefully curated 74 00:03:01,798 --> 00:03:06,069 the numbers of our cherished family in this drawer. 75 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,438 This will take you directly up the answering machine 76 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,457 that allowed us to avoid them. 77 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,761 Dead, dead. 78 00:03:14,811 --> 00:03:17,981 I thought he was dead. He turned up in Pakistan. 79 00:03:19,216 --> 00:03:21,068 Cousin Kenny. You have to call this. 80 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,470 You probably gonna be recorded by the feds. 81 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,840 All right. Well, let's try one right now. 82 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,880 Hey, this is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners. 83 00:03:33,930 --> 00:03:35,482 Is this Adrian Conner? 84 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,852 Yes, it is. Hey. How are you? 85 00:03:38,902 --> 00:03:40,687 Hey, where are you from? 86 00:03:41,605 --> 00:03:43,840 - I'm from Tampa, Florida. - Nice. 87 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,942 Well, cool, I'm here with my family right now. 88 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,444 ALL: Hi! 89 00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:48,495 - Hi. - And... 90 00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:50,647 And I'm doing a survey about the Conners for school. 91 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,115 I'd like to ask you a question. 92 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,301 - I have a relative who drinks beer... - Sure, yeah, please. 93 00:03:54,351 --> 00:03:58,004 I have a relative who drinks beer all day and hides in the garage. 94 00:03:58,054 --> 00:04:01,308 D-Does your family ever get on you about any of your habits? 95 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:05,278 Um, definitely not that problem. 96 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,547 Uh, bad habits, oh, yeah. 97 00:04:07,597 --> 00:04:10,434 I do have one bad habit of chewing my fingernails 98 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,935 and I do get picked on for that. 99 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,805 But I watch a lot of scary movies, so I kind of... 100 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,873 - That's my excuse. - Yeah, that's fair. 101 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,558 Well, thanks for being a Conner. Bye. 102 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:23,313 Hey, what's this? 103 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,949 [Cheers and applause] 104 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,102 Subs by kinglouisxx for www.addic7ed.com 105 00:04:29,152 --> 00:04:31,872 - There you go, thanks, Robin. - Oh. Thanks, Dan. 106 00:04:31,922 --> 00:04:33,423 - Hey. - Hey. 107 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:35,375 I was just over at Madame Sweet Cakes 108 00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:38,812 and took a picture of the most perfect wedding cake. 109 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,630 - What do you think? - It's beautiful. 110 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,367 But $400 is a lot unless we're going to live in it. 111 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,552 - [Laughter] - [Sighs] 112 00:04:45,602 --> 00:04:48,421 Come on, it's cheaper than the other one I showed you. 113 00:04:48,472 --> 00:04:50,607 I keep telling you, it's not worth it. 114 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,642 Once my family digs into that thing, 115 00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:55,912 it's going to look like a frosted seal after a shark frenzy. 116 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,498 Hey, you guys. 117 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,751 - What do you think of this cake? - Oh, wow. $400. 118 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,087 What is it made out of, Elon Musk? 119 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,957 All right, I guess I'm outnumbered. 120 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,592 I'll see you later. 121 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,828 - What are you looking for, ladies? - Uh... 122 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,930 Can't be bananas, 'cause we don't carry banana. 123 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,683 Oh, save your fancy salesman patter. 124 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,518 Now, we're just putting up some big screens 125 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,921 for the Lunchbox's reopening as a sports bar, 126 00:05:20,971 --> 00:05:23,256 and we need mounts. 127 00:05:23,306 --> 00:05:26,109 And Jackie also needed a few things for crowd control. 128 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,728 I'm filling in for Aunt Becky while she's at her rehab retreat. 129 00:05:28,778 --> 00:05:30,330 We're going to open with a beer special. 130 00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:32,999 Bring your own beer helmet, and we'll fill it for $1. 131 00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:34,818 It could get ugly, so... 132 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,786 Uh, I'm gonna need an axe handle 133 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,040 and a... taser. 134 00:05:41,057 --> 00:05:42,843 Aisle three. 135 00:05:42,893 --> 00:05:44,761 Hey, is Ben around? 136 00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:46,346 He's still living his best life 137 00:05:46,396 --> 00:05:48,481 in the little camping section in back. 138 00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:50,300 - Good luck, honey. - Thank you. 139 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,485 I'm going to take a bag of these pork rinds. 140 00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:55,805 Who can say "no" to a cute little vegan with crispy pig parts? 141 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:59,326 Better run, Darlene, it's a lot further than you think! 142 00:05:59,376 --> 00:06:00,694 [Laughter] 143 00:06:00,744 --> 00:06:02,729 - JACKIE: No. Darlene! - DAN: Where are you going? 144 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:05,866 JACKIE: It's the set opposite Wellman Plastics! 145 00:06:05,916 --> 00:06:07,851 Where your bedroom used to be. 146 00:06:11,755 --> 00:06:14,074 [Knock on door] 147 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:17,494 - Hey. - Hello. Hey. 148 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:20,013 I brought you some pork rinds. 149 00:06:20,063 --> 00:06:21,932 Oh, thank you. 150 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,534 I've had my eyes on these since I put them on the rack. 151 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,904 Uh, I also brought you this. 152 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,126 Whoa. 153 00:06:33,176 --> 00:06:35,395 You put $1200 down on an apartment? 154 00:06:35,445 --> 00:06:40,183 No, I put $1200 down on us. 155 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,203 I am dead serious about us living together, 156 00:06:43,253 --> 00:06:45,772 and I want to show you that I'm finally 157 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,208 putting you before everything else. 158 00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:52,212 Okay. Well, this is big. 159 00:06:52,262 --> 00:06:55,465 I believe you're serious. 160 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,183 And? 161 00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:59,502 Well, I wasn't expecting this. 162 00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,389 - I might need a minute. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 163 00:07:02,439 --> 00:07:04,240 I want you to be sure, because I know I am. 164 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,993 So, absolutely, take a minute. 165 00:07:07,043 --> 00:07:08,378 [Sniffs] 166 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,715 - Oh, you didn't mean that literally? - No. 167 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,367 Oh, okay. 168 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:28,565 - Hi, is this Lisa Conner? - Yes, it is. 169 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:32,285 Hi. Hi. This is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners. 170 00:07:32,335 --> 00:07:35,105 My sister is going to ask you a question, but first, 171 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,340 my family's broke and riddled with heartbreak. 172 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,658 So, what do you think is more important, 173 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,878 money or love and why? 174 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,680 Uh.. 175 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:46,883 Money. 'Cause you can always buy love. [Giggles] 176 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,602 - Yeah, no, you're right. - Fair enough. 177 00:07:49,653 --> 00:07:52,505 So, here's my question. I'm a tattoo artist. 178 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,425 If I could give you any tattoo, what would it be? 179 00:07:57,661 --> 00:07:59,796 Uh, probably a flower. 180 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,848 Just something generic and pretty. 181 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,966 Okay. 182 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,684 Something I could live with my whole life. 183 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,670 - [Laughter] - Okay, cool. 184 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,072 Well, thanks for being a Conner. Bye. 185 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:15,445 [Applause] 186 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,350 Uh, excuse me. 187 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,068 Can you tell me where Darlene Conner's office is? 188 00:08:22,118 --> 00:08:25,955 - My I ask who is calling? - Just tell her Ben, thanks. 189 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:30,160 Oh, wow, you're Ben? Okay. 190 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,628 You, uh... [Chuckles] 191 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,764 You don't look like an uptight buzzkill at all. 192 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:40,603 You look more like a hipster werewolf sort of guy. 193 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:43,556 Well, thanks for your opinion, guy I didn't ask. 194 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,475 - And you are? - Jeff. 195 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,043 Jeff. Darlene is my boss. 196 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:49,095 And I didn't... I didn't mean anything by that. 197 00:08:49,145 --> 00:08:51,631 I'm just saying that you look like a guy 198 00:08:51,681 --> 00:08:53,566 who would want to go to Hawaii. 199 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,868 [Forced laugh] 200 00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:56,786 Darlene told you about Hawaii? 201 00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:57,987 Sure, yeah, yeah. 202 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,441 W-We all share stories at lunch. 203 00:09:01,491 --> 00:09:03,643 [Sighs] You know, I can't believe that 204 00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:08,031 you would ask your lady to use her vacation money to pay bills 205 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:12,452 when she clearly needs some emotional downtime. 206 00:09:12,502 --> 00:09:13,870 It's a douche move, dude. 207 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,440 Okay, I think I've heard about enough about Hawaii. 208 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,142 Now, just point me to Darlene 209 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,277 unless you want to end up stuffed into one of those boxes. 210 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,947 No, guys, stop. Ben, it's not his fault. 211 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:27,684 I-I only invited him to Hawaii because I was so mad at you. 212 00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:34,808 Okay, that is not at all what we were talking about. 213 00:09:34,858 --> 00:09:37,710 But I'm guessing that that is what the two of you 214 00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:39,896 are talking about now. Peace out. 215 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,952 You're gonna go to Hawaii with another guy? 216 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,670 What the hell? 217 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,422 You know I came down here because I wanted to tell you 218 00:09:49,472 --> 00:09:51,391 I wanted to move in with you. 219 00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:54,310 I cannot believe I was ready to trust you again. 220 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,929 No, you can trust me. 221 00:09:55,979 --> 00:09:59,299 It was totally platonic. It could have been a girlfriend. 222 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,634 Oh, if it was a girlfriend, you would have told me about it. 223 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:05,021 And a platonic trip to Hawaii? The entire island is one big bed. 224 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:06,706 Ben, please, let me talk. 225 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:10,260 No, everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie! 226 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,379 We will never live together. 227 00:10:13,429 --> 00:10:15,465 We'll never be together. 228 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,534 This is over! 229 00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:20,937 [Clattering] 230 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,308 I can't get Darlene to stop cleaning. 231 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,911 I mean, I feel bad that Ben broke up with her this morning, 232 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:32,048 but to be honest, the living room is spotless. 233 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,518 Uh, Darlene, you have to slow down. 234 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,488 Why don't you stop, have a glass of wine, we'll talk. 235 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,023 No, just let me do this. 236 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,774 If I stop, I'm gonna start crying again. 237 00:10:41,825 --> 00:10:44,294 Hey, Ben just found out about Jeff, 238 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,745 give him a chance to cool down. 239 00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:47,747 No, it won't work, okay? 240 00:10:47,797 --> 00:10:49,782 He's done. I could see it in his eyes. 241 00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:51,217 I'm just gonna have to accept the fact 242 00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:52,952 that I'm gonna live the rest of my life alone. 243 00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:55,922 Darlene, you are not alone. 244 00:10:55,972 --> 00:10:58,424 Right, thank you, I know. You've always been there for me. 245 00:10:58,474 --> 00:11:00,827 No, I mean, there's a lot of messed up people like you 246 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,779 who don't deserve good relationships. 247 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,598 - Oh, my God. - That doesn't mean you can't change. 248 00:11:05,648 --> 00:11:06,716 I mean, I did, 249 00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:10,019 but the chances of lightning striking twice in the same family... 250 00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,938 I'm going to jump in here. 251 00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:13,873 Here. Come on, just stop. 252 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,708 Look, sit down. 253 00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,927 I know this is devastating. 254 00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,346 But I know someone out there who can help you. 255 00:11:20,396 --> 00:11:22,332 No, I've already been to a therapist. 256 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,033 No, there's another way. 257 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:25,451 It's a little less traditional. 258 00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:27,203 Okay, it's a life coach. 259 00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,273 I guess I could come out of retirement. 260 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:33,826 No. You stay retired. 261 00:11:33,877 --> 00:11:36,696 I'm talking about a spiritual adviser. 262 00:11:36,746 --> 00:11:38,798 - Like a psychic? - Oh, that's a great idea. 263 00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,283 Those people are magic. 264 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,269 One of them told me once to stop being a life coach, 265 00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:45,788 - and it happened. - [Laughter] 266 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:47,657 Right after the state told me. 267 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,594 [Sighs] Look, she's not just a psychic. 268 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,296 She has great insight. 269 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,198 She helped me see things about myself 270 00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,533 that helped me make better choices. 271 00:11:57,584 --> 00:12:00,904 Before I met your dad, I was a mess. 272 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,656 Now I'm in the best relationship of my life. 273 00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:05,842 Wow! 274 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,828 Uh, I don't know. It just seems like a little Wu Wu... 275 00:12:08,878 --> 00:12:12,315 Oh, come on, Darlene. You know me. I'm not a Wu Wu person. 276 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:15,535 - What have you got to lose? - All right. 277 00:12:15,585 --> 00:12:18,304 I-I'll give it a shot. And I can't feel any worse than... 278 00:12:18,354 --> 00:12:20,440 Oh, no, you could feel way worse. 279 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,809 You know, sometimes you think this is the bottom, 280 00:12:22,859 --> 00:12:25,311 but this is just a trap door to the next layer of hell. 281 00:12:25,361 --> 00:12:26,346 Jackie! 282 00:12:26,396 --> 00:12:31,367 There's room for both of us to help, Louise! 283 00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:37,340 Thanks for helping Darlene. 284 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:39,959 Well, we're about to become family. 285 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,378 So, I want everyone to be in a good mood 286 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,732 when they come to our big, fancy wedding. 287 00:12:45,782 --> 00:12:49,669 There, I said it. Now get used to it. 288 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,539 You want a big wedding? 289 00:12:53,589 --> 00:12:55,458 How are we going to do that? We don't know that many people. 290 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,977 Well, you don't, but I do. 291 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,863 I have a big family and lots of friends. 292 00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:03,049 The only difference is I don't live with them all. 293 00:13:03,099 --> 00:13:05,551 [Laughter] 294 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,489 I'm willing to pay, Dan. 295 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,858 Trust me, you're going to wish you had that money back 296 00:13:11,908 --> 00:13:13,309 to do other things. 297 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,794 Here's a little secret. 298 00:13:14,844 --> 00:13:17,513 I was very happy I married Roseanne. 299 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,099 But if we had shacked up, I could have had a boat. 300 00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:23,786 I don't want a boat. 301 00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:27,490 But I wish you had one so you could sleep on it tonight. 302 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,492 I'm going back to my place. 303 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:30,927 What did I say? 304 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,496 I was at the wedding. 305 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,915 Would have been a pretty crappy boat. 306 00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,701 [Laughter] 307 00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:44,757 Louise said to say thank you so much 308 00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,743 - for squeezing me in. - Oh, sure. 309 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,361 I'm just finishing up my dinner. 310 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,763 Yeah, you know, you're nothing like I thought you'd be. 311 00:13:50,813 --> 00:13:52,999 No beaded curtains, no crystal ball, 312 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:56,019 and you're not all scarfy and jangly like Stevie Nicks. 313 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,420 She's a doubter, Ann. 314 00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:00,239 Oh, well, maybe she gets that from your mother Beverly, 315 00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:01,791 because I am sensing... 316 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,793 Ooh, she's a nasty old buzzard. 317 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,044 BOTH: Oh. 318 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,379 That's unbelievable. 319 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:07,814 I mean, it's one thing to get the name, 320 00:14:07,864 --> 00:14:09,766 - but to get the right kind of bird? - [Laughs] 321 00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,017 Let me see your hands. 322 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,919 Yo, before you start on this mess, 323 00:14:12,969 --> 00:14:15,204 my boyfriend, Neville, is he the one? 324 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,756 And also, you mentioned my mother. 325 00:14:16,806 --> 00:14:18,708 I haven't heard from her in quite a while. 326 00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:20,443 Could you check the afterlife? 327 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,894 'Cause I-I just don't want to... 328 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:24,213 waste people's time with a silver alert. 329 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:26,199 ANN: Um... 330 00:14:26,249 --> 00:14:28,084 - It's unclear. - Which part? 331 00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,420 Whether I should be paid for one reading or two. 332 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,271 - Oh, gotcha. - Mmm. 333 00:14:32,321 --> 00:14:34,073 Let's see here. 334 00:14:36,259 --> 00:14:37,927 Mm. 335 00:14:37,977 --> 00:14:40,229 - Oh, my God. - What? What? 336 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:42,732 I've never seen anything like that before. 337 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,600 You're surrounded by such a toxic cloud, 338 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,702 that I can't see your future. 339 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,772 Toxic cloud? What does that mean? I-I don't have a future? 340 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,708 Well, no, it's... [Sighs] 341 00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:56,245 Your cynicism and your skepticism is so strong, 342 00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,498 I can't pierce the veil to give you a reading. 343 00:14:58,548 --> 00:15:00,500 It's like I can't get any light from you. 344 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,220 You have no spirituality. 345 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,739 You are spot-on! 346 00:15:06,789 --> 00:15:09,992 Can I split a reading over two credit cards? 347 00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,878 Look, I don't understand. 348 00:15:11,928 --> 00:15:13,696 I came here because my boyfriend dumped me. 349 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,099 What does having no spirituality have to do with it? 350 00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:19,018 Well, it's like having barbed wire all around you. 351 00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:21,287 No one can get close to you. 352 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,339 Am I completely off base here? 353 00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,658 Have the rest of your relationships been healthy? 354 00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,412 No. They haven't. 355 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,164 All right. So, how do I change it? 356 00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:32,999 - Can you cast a spell or something? - [Laughs] 357 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:36,552 Someone loved Hocus Pocus as a child, huh? 358 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,654 No. If you want change, 359 00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:40,289 you need your spirituality to connect 360 00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,191 with something that's larger than yourself. 361 00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:45,344 - Are you talking about God? - It just depends. 362 00:15:45,394 --> 00:15:47,480 That's your journey. I can't help you with that. 363 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,482 Well, there you go. God, no God, it's up to you. 364 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,633 Now, why don't you scoot over 365 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,351 and let me take the rest of the session. 366 00:15:52,401 --> 00:15:54,804 Scoot over. Scoot over! 367 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,289 [Grunting] 368 00:15:57,723 --> 00:15:59,459 LOUISE: Really? 369 00:15:59,509 --> 00:16:01,494 Good morning. 370 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:03,329 How did you sleep? 371 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,198 Stick it in your ear! 372 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,985 Okay, look, I'm just confused why you want a big wedding. 373 00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:12,155 You're like me. You don't like a lot of fuss. 374 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,056 You don't need fancy things. 375 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:15,758 I know it's a shock. 376 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,044 That a tough gal like me would want... 377 00:16:18,094 --> 00:16:20,763 a church and a dress and a big wedding cake... 378 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,315 The whole thing. 379 00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:25,101 It's a shock to me, too. 380 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,220 But it hit me last night. 381 00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:31,040 It's because my parents never had a real wedding. 382 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,708 They just went down to the courthouse 383 00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:36,078 like they were paying off a traffic ticket. 384 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:38,097 That's how their marriage felt. 385 00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:41,300 Well, I wish I had known that. Now I feel like a jackass. 386 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,503 You are. 387 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,389 But the main thing... 388 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,659 is you have to hear me when I tell you what I want. 389 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,578 You had 47 years of marriage with Roseanne. 390 00:16:52,628 --> 00:16:55,681 To learn, to read each other's minds. 391 00:16:55,731 --> 00:16:57,833 And when we've been married for 47 years, 392 00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,269 you can do the same with me. 393 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,523 From that urn on the mantlepiece. 394 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,576 I think you mean Folgers can, 395 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,595 - but I get what you're saying. - [Kissing] 396 00:17:09,645 --> 00:17:11,797 [Applause] 397 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:18,938 [Music playing on TV] 398 00:17:18,988 --> 00:17:20,706 DAN: What are you watching? 399 00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:24,827 Oh, it's a documentary about Einstein and religion. 400 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,964 I'm trying to understand how a logical, educated person 401 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,099 can get to a place where they believe in God. 402 00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:36,889 Wait, is my little atheist losing faith in her lack of faith? 403 00:17:38,074 --> 00:17:41,844 - I am completely lost. - [Sighs] 404 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,865 [Sighs] The psychic said that I need spirituality in my life 405 00:17:45,915 --> 00:17:48,234 if I'm ever going to change. 406 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,520 Do you think there's a God? 407 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,290 I think he's on a break right now. 408 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,026 But he occasionally returns a call. 409 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,997 [Door opens] 410 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,164 Hey! 411 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,351 - Did you go back to the psychic? - Yeah. 412 00:18:05,401 --> 00:18:07,653 - What's wrong? - It's bad news. 413 00:18:07,703 --> 00:18:08,821 It's my mom. 414 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:11,857 Still not dead. 415 00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:15,127 [Laughter] 416 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,205 [Sighs] 417 00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,959 Surprised to see me, right? 418 00:18:30,993 --> 00:18:33,396 It's been a long time. 419 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,364 I know I said you don't exist, 420 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:38,334 but I am gonna try to believe in you. 421 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:39,752 [Sighs] 422 00:18:39,802 --> 00:18:44,607 I once asked my mom if there was a god and she said... 423 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:47,677 "Well, if there's not, we're screwed." 424 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,763 So, I hope I'm not screwed. 425 00:18:50,813 --> 00:18:52,848 Hey, thanks for Mark. 426 00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,834 And by the way, 427 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,521 maybe some day you'll explain to me why you gave me Harris. 428 00:18:59,855 --> 00:19:04,794 Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. 429 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,513 And if I die before I wake, 430 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,665 well, I'll know you're still pissed. 431 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,083 Amen. 432 00:19:29,352 --> 00:19:31,687 Hi, is this Kerry Conner? 433 00:19:32,621 --> 00:19:34,473 Yeah, it is. Hi. 434 00:19:34,523 --> 00:19:37,243 Hi. This is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners. 435 00:19:37,293 --> 00:19:39,028 Um, I have a question for you... 436 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,030 D-Does your family ever get on you 437 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,432 about any bad habits that you have? 438 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,102 Um, lots. 439 00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,637 Oh, okay. Well, thanks for being a Conner. 440 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,239 Bye. 441 00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:56,562 Hey, how is the search for the Conner gene going? 442 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:59,398 Well, half the Conners are broke and drink like fish. 443 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:00,950 But they're really great people. 444 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,835 I hope we get to meet them in person some day. 445 00:20:02,885 --> 00:20:05,154 Oh, I went to a cousin's picnic once. 446 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,039 They stole my shoes and my Monchhichi. 447 00:20:07,089 --> 00:20:09,091 I can't wait for the reunion. 448 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,944 So, what's your conclusion? 449 00:20:11,994 --> 00:20:13,362 Oh, it's a mixed bag. 450 00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:14,880 Some of the Conners are doing really well. 451 00:20:14,930 --> 00:20:16,332 So, who knows? 452 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,350 You know, I think it is up to you. 453 00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:20,636 I think your genes set you off in a direction, 454 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,321 but you can change that direction. 455 00:20:22,371 --> 00:20:24,290 Like for example, 456 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:26,625 we don't change the sheets a lot in this house, 457 00:20:26,675 --> 00:20:28,594 - but we could. - [Laughs] 458 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,945 Yeah. And if nothing else, 459 00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:31,947 now I know my genes might be trying to destroy me, 460 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,784 so failure can't sneak up on me like it did you guys. 461 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,802 Oh, no. It didn't sneak up on us. 462 00:20:36,852 --> 00:20:39,305 It rang the bell and we opened the door and said: 463 00:20:39,355 --> 00:20:41,690 "Hi, we've been waiting for you." 464 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:49,782 [Applause] 465 00:21:29,638 --> 00:21:32,625 ALL: Here's to you, Norm!35089

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