All language subtitles for Ten Year Old Tom s01e13.eng

- ♪ Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out ♪

♪ Chatting up
those I used to hate ♪

[acoustic music]

♪ The feeling that we're lost
will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanation ♪

♪ Can't expect
our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪

- Okay, kids.
All right, simmer down.

[students chattering]
Look up here. Eyes up here.

I'm Mr. Shifrin.

I'm your substitute teacher
for today.

If you guys could
all just be quiet

for one second,
that'd be great.

I just got a few things
we gotta go over, okay?

Hello? I am demanding respect.

I demand respect.

- Tom, you see what I see?

- Yeah,
the sub's losing control.

- Let's go loiter
in the bathroom.

- Loiter?
We're not allowed.

We're in class.
- We got a sub.

The laws of society
no longer apply.

- No, no, no, I've had
too many incidents.

I can't get in trouble.
- We won't get in trouble.

This guy's clueless.
Look at him.

- Let's bring
the noise level down, okay?

That is rude.
- I mean, if he let us leave,

we done nothing wrong.
- Why would he let us leave?

- Watch this.

- I am a grown man,

and I am in a position
of authority.

- Hey, uh,
can we be excused from class?

We have
chiropractor appointments.

- Yeah, joint
chiropractor appointments.

- Is that a pun
or do you have

simultaneous chiropractor
appointments?

- Yeah, I've got a bad back,
and he's got a bad foot, so...

- I have a note by the way.
Here you go.

- I can't argue with this.
What are your names?

- Just put down Hank and Irv.

- All right, cool.
Yeah, I'll write it down.

- We can leave?
- Yeah, I mean, you got a note.

- Come on, Irv.

Whoo!
- Oh, my God, it worked.

We're on the loose.
- Yeah!

- What do we do?
Go in the bathroom?

- Guys, I'm in.
- In where? In with what?

- I'm in with

whatever weird stuff
is going on here.

- Oh, no.
- Let's get in some trouble.

- That seems a little
out of character, no?

- My brother gets in trouble
all the time,

but my mom expects me
to be perfect?

- All right, what you thinking?

- Small fires,

defecating on walls...

- What? I signed up
for loitering, that's it.

- Ah, busted!
- Oh, no.

- You guys have hall passes?

- All right,
I guess we're busted.

Don't tell the principal.
- I'm kidding.

I don't give a shit
about hall passes.

I'm a janitor.

What kinda trouble
you guys getting into?

I love this stuff.
- Pretty messed up.

We made fake
chiropractor notes.

- Yeah, now we loitering
by the bathroom.

- That's it? That's what
passes for trouble these days?

- You know,
let's go back to class.

Let's pretend
this never happened.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't go back to class.

Years from now,
your best memories of childhood

will be when you misbehaved.

Do you know what
"carpe diem" means?

- No; I learned Latin
for the spelling bee,

but it didn't really stick.

- It means "seize the day."

Look, if you wanna
leave school grounds,

I'd be happy to smuggle you out
in my garbage can.

- All right, this guy's
clearly lost his mind.

- We're in!
- In?

- Everybody in the can.

- What? No, no, please.

- Get in the trash,
you little rebels.

- I'm not getting
in the garbage can.

- It's been
a light garbage day,

so you'll both fit.

[sneaky music]

Look, you want me
to drive you to a bar?

- Oh, no,
we're gonna part ways.

You can't be part of the team.

- I wanna hang out
with you guys.

I'm lonely.

- No, that--that's
where I draw the line.

Wow, what an adventure.
We walked to Taco Bell.

That's crazy.
Should we head back?

- What are
we gonna tell people?

We stood in line for tacos?

- That sounds like
a good story.

I'd tell--I'd tell
my grandkids that story.

- Oh, my goodness.
- I've got an idea.

Why don't we just
dine and dash?

- Yes!
- Stop, stop.

No, no, no.
- Yes.

Tom, let's use that honest
little face of yours.

You get up there,
you do the talking.

- Whatever happened
to loitering?

I thought that was the plan.

- Yeah, but now we about to

put the whole plan together,

which is a Taco Bell heist.

- Okay, fine,
one quick Taco Bell heist,

and then
we're going back to school.

Hey, can I just get,
like, 30 tacos?

- Oh, wow, do you want them
in the Fiesta Party Packs

or do you want them individual?

- Yeah, just a couple
of Fiesta Party Packs.

- Okay.
- And then we'll just

settle the bill later.
So, you know.

- So you want me to
give them to you on a tray

and then watch you
come back and pay?

- You don't have to
watch anything.

Just typical restaurant stuff,
you know.

- This isn't a restaurant.
This is fast food.

- Just give us the food.
Be cool, come on.

- You see this guy behind me?
- Yeah.

- Okay, that's
the assistant manager.

Do you know how
freaking hard he would get

if he could fire me for this?

- I just want to be clear,
we're not, like,

dining and dashing or anything.

- It sounds like you're
trying to dine and dash.

- Why, 'cause I just said
we're not dining and dashing?

- Okay, bye.
- Very disappointing.

Very disappointing
restaurant experience.

- Go ahead and write a review.

I dare you to take the time.

- As soon as I get a phone
and open a Yelp account,

this place is gonna hear it.

- Lord, save me

if I'm still here
when that happens.

- Come on, Tom!
- I'm sorry.

- Rule number one
of dining and dashing,

don't discuss dashing.

- All right, well,
that didn't work.

Let's head back to school and--

- No! Since you
screwed up the heist,

we have to do something else.

Let's, uh--I don't know.
Let's hitchhike.

- All right,
you're out of control.

- Let's take a vote.
Nelson, do you wanna hitchhike?

- Uh, I gotta go with Dakota.

- Nelson, please, come on.

- You blew it with
the dining and dash,

so we gotta take it
to another level.

- Here's the plan: find
the creepiest weirdo we can

and get in their vehicle.

[horn honks]

- Hey, kids. What's up?

You guys need a ride?
- Sorry, buddy.

You're not creepy enough.
Keep it moving.

- All right,
down the block I go.

- Let's just--come on,
let's go back to school.

Are you feeling okay, Dakota?

- I can't go back to school

until I commit
a crime so heinous

that my mom disowns me.

- I thought that was you guys.

Hop in, you crazy rascals.

- No way.
- No?

- He's known to us.
- This is perfect.

He's creepy,
but he's a familiar face.

This is cool.

I've never hitchhiked before.
- You still haven't.

I was sitting in the same seat
two hours ago.

- Yeah, but now
we're hitchhiking.

I mean, once your thumb is up,

it's against the law.

- What are you guys
arguing about?

I hear you talking
about thumbing things.

I'm nervous.
- Oh, we skipped school,

and now we just
tooling around town.

- Ooh, I like that.
You're pulling a Bueller!

- A what?
- All right, I wanna help.

- Let's just go back to school.

- Sorry, for nostalgic reasons,

I need to facilitate
any Bueller-related activities.

Strap in, kids!
- Whoo!

- Oh, no, don't turn around.
What are you doing?

- I have to.
- Stop, stop.

- Back it up right now.

Okay, over shot it
a little bit.

[glass shatters]
That's bad.

Now I'm gonna gun it forward.

And we are off!

- You should not
be a bus driver.

- I know.

- ...can't see what my hands
are doing, though.

- Um, sub?
- I have a name.

My name is Mr. Shifrin.
I've said that repeatedly.

- Yeah, okay,
so my friend, Dakota,

she's been gone for,
like, a really long time.

Can I go
check the halls for her?

- No, you cannot
go check the halls.

I've got this.

The only kids missing
are Hank and Irv,

but they had simultaneous
chiropractor appointments.

- Are you an idiot?

- Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

- Kids haven't had names
like that for, like, 50 years.

- Oh, God, no.
Oh, come on, Kevin.

Get your shit together!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

- Can I go?

- Okay, kids.

I am taking you
to the sketchiest,

sleaziest strip mall
in the tri-state area.

- Cool.

- They had a pack of wild rats

living in one of the pretzel
stores for a long time.

- No, this sounds dangerous.
My mom doesn't like me

hanging around with wild rats.

- I mean, as a kid,

I got in so much trouble here

for doing doughnuts,

giving rim jobs.

A cop pepper-sprayed me.

All kinds of fun kid stuff.

- Ah, I love it.

- Oh, come on, man.

- This is
the sleazy strip mall?

[jazzy music playing over
speakers]

- Well, looks like it's changed
a little from back in the day.

- Where are all the rats?
- Yeah.

You've really played up
the rats too much.

- Well, on the plus side,

we can get a smoothie
and some throw pillows.

Who's with me?

- You know what?
We'll meet you in there.

- Go team.

- Guys, we are so not
meeting him in there.

- What?
- The clock is ticking,

and we need to do
something wrong.

Use your brain, Tom! Think!

What would the janitor do?

- What would the janitor do?

- The world's crazy
so you get crazy.

Get in the trash,
you little rebels.

Why don't you
poop in your hand

and throw it everywhere?

- Let's not do any of that.
- Okay, I have an idea.

What if we steal the bus?

- All right, stop.
- Oh, snap.

- You like it?
- If we drive the bus

even ten feet,
we will be legends.

- Guys, we're not
driving a bus, obviously.

- Oh, come on, man.
You read about

these stories all the time.

"Little kid went on a joyride.

What a little rascal."

- That won't be
the headline here.

It's gonna be
"Tom murders multiple people."

- You gotta be 18
to murder somebody.

If you young, it's a joyride.

- The desk is on fire!
Let it burn!

- Guys, let's bring it down,
all right?

- Eat my shoe, sub!

- That was uncalled for.

[phone dialing]

- 911, what's your emergency?

- Yes, hi, I need to
report some missing kids.

I am at a school.

I believe the name
is Shady Oaks Elementary.

- Wait a minute, you believe?

- Yeah, I believe--
I think I saw it.

- You don't know
the name of the school?

- I believe its name
is Shady Oaks Elementary.

- Hold on, are you
a substitute teacher?

- Yes, ma'am, I am.

I don't know what that
has to do with anything.

- Sorry to say, sir,

we do not take calls
from substitutes.

It's a state-wide policy.
- Excuse me?

- Well, you're really
unreliable sources,

and you can't
retain information.

- I'm a grown, mature man,

and I am reporting
some missing children.

- I'm sorry, goodbye.

- Did you just hang up?
Did 911 just hang up on me?

- I don't feel good
about this.

I don't feel good
about this at all.

- Woah, woah, woah.
Keep us steady.

Straighten it out a little bit.
- I'm trying.

I don't have
the upper body strength.

- Oh, my gosh.
Straighten it out, Tom.

- I can't control the vehicle.

- Tom, we are in the grass.
Straighten her out!

- Oh, no, what am I hitting?
What is that sound?

Bushes or people?
- Uh-oh.

Everybody,
head between your knees.

Brace for impact.
We're hitting something.

- Iceberg!
[crash]

[car alarm beeping]

- Guys, we just crashed
into my mom's car.

This is amazing!
- Amazing? This is a disaster.

- I crashed into my mom's car

in a stolen bus

with Tom, of all people,
who she hates.

I can't wait to see
the look on her face.

- I'm so confused right now.
- All right, you know what?

I'm not gonna
stick around for this.

- Guys, what's the point

if I don't get credit for it?

I need her to know it was me.

- You gotta
work this out in therapy.

We outta here.
- Here we go.

[car alarm beeping]

- "Please don't be mad.

"We took the bus.

It happens."

[sighs]

Rule number one of bus driving,

never leave the kids
in a running bus.

They steal it every time.

- Okay, we're about
to become legends.

- They're gonna talk
about us for generations.

We are the kids
who stole the bus.

- Woah, guys, look.
- Oh, my God.

- There's cops,
there's teachers.

This is amazing.
We're gonna be on the news.

- Just tell them
it was all your idea.

Tom really was a bystander.

- I know what I'm gonna say,
I'm ready.

Okay, you got me.

- "You got me"?
That was your big zinger?

- Uh, hello? Criminal here.

- Oh, my God, Dakota.
there you are.

You've missed, like, so much.

The sub is, like,
totally losing it.

He was slapping himself
and just, like, freaking out

and was like,
"No one respects me!"

And now he's, uh, threatening

to jump off the building.
- I'll do it!

Maybe you'll appreciate me
when I'm gone!

How do you find
a sub for a sub?

It can't be done!

- Sir, to be honest,
I don't know your name,

but we value you
at this school.

- Oh, please!
No one respects me!

- I respect you.
- Here, we'll do a little test!

Let's hear a round of applause

from everyone here
that respects me!

Crickets!

That kid right there,
he told me

he had an appointment
for a chiropractor

so he could skip school
and I believed him.

- He skipped school?
- How clueless am I?

Goodbye, world!

[crowd gasping]
Ah! Oof.

What kind of idiot
lands in a bush?

- Wow, that was
so anticlimactic.

- Tom, skipping school?

That's not okay.
- I'm sorry.

- Hey, you wanna use
the handcuffs?

- Yes, handcuffs!
- What?

- All right, come here,
you little son of a bitch.

- What? No, get off.

- Here we go. Oh, don't resist.

- I literally left school
for 45 minutes.

- What about me?
You don't wanna cuff me?

I stole a bus,
and I almost stole some tacos.

- Oh, that's funny, Dakota.

You're so responsible,
often I think

you should be the principal.

- Okay, let's go.
Downtown, buddy.

- You know what?
This whole persona

is just not
getting any traction.

- Look, it's
a running bus right here.

If nobody's gonna question it,

we should take it
for another spin, right?

- You know, I feel like
you're the only one

who gets it at this school.

[upbeat music]

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