All language subtitles for Ten Year Old Tom s01e09.eng

- ♪ Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect
our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪

- $6 for a shirt?

- Isn't that what shirts cost?

- $9 dollars for pants?

- How much cheaper could pants
possibly be?

- Excuse me, ma'am,
if you're interested,

we have this rack over here

for a dollar a shirt,

- The Reject Rack?

- No, we're not
Reject Rack people.

- We actually are
Reject Rack people.

- No, we're pretty classy.

- I would like
to check these out.

- Who would wear these?

- Tom, look at this one.

"My other T-shirt
is a jean jacket."

- I can't wear that to school.

I'll be laughed
out of the place.

- Tom, Count Chocula
on a skateboard.

- Mom, Mom, these T-shirts
are terrible.

- Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef."

And it's got an arrow
pointing down to your crotch.

- These clothes have been
rejected by society.

- Tom, they're a dollar.

Now go pick your favorite ten,

and your wardrobe's all set
for the next year.

- They're all equally bad.

- Pick your favorite ten
of the equally bad ones.

I hope you can find
some winners.

[bell rings]

- Hey, Nelson,
can I ask you a question?

What's your honest take
on this shirt?

- Oh, Tom, it's a look.

It's definitely a look.
- Yeah?

- But this one might be
a little bit too much.

- I should've worn
the Mitt Romney one.

Dakota, what do you think?

- Oh, wow.

I can't tell if I'm offended
or I'm really impressed.

- Offended?
The guy at the thrift shop

clearly said,
"No nips, no problem."

- I think as we get older,

one thing you're gonna look
back on is

which adults you listened to.

- Okay, gang.
Today we are playing kickball.

So I need you to split up
into two teams--

wait, hold on a second.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

Not in my class.
- Oh, the T-shirt?

Is it--you don't like the--
the partial nudity?

- Think I care
about nudity, boy?

- No.
- I will not have

a student of mine
wearing a Red Sox garment.

- Oh, the Red Sox.

- In this class,
we are Yankee fans.

- Oh, no, I'm not
a fan of anything.

It's just a random
thrift shop purchase.

- Tom, the playoffs are
coming up

and I can't afford you
to jinx it.

The shirt's gotta go.

- What do you--you want me
to remove my--my shirt?

- Take it off.
- No, I can't take it off.

I mean--
- Oh, you're taking it off.

Tell you what,
you don't take it off--

- Please. Please.
- I'ma take it off for you.

That's right. Come here.
- Stop, stop.

- This is a new low,
even for our school.

- Go ahead. Film it.
Everybody film it.

I want the world to know
that Boston sucks.

Now give me this shirt. Yes!

- You're out of control, Coach.
- I'm not.

This is what I think
of your Red Sox around here.

- Oh, my god.

- Now watch it burn, kids.

Watch it burn.

[exciting music]

- I'm on the field
where earlier today,

an enraged sports fan
burned the shirt of a student.

Here's a clip of the horror
as it unfolded.

- Tom, you sit in the corner
and you watch this shirt burn.

Damn it.

- Can you even imagine

what was going on
in this maniac's mind?

I know I can't.

This shirtless child should act
as a reminder to us all

that hey, it's just a game.

- Okay, I know how this looks,
everybody,

but that clip was
taken out of context.

- Was it?
- Yes.

They didn't show
any of the kickball stuff.

- This is bad, okay?

We can't be teaching kids
how to hate.

- I don't get
where it comes from myself.

My Uncle Bill is from Boston,
and he's a really sweet guy.

- Uncle Bill sound
like a damn fool.

- Why? Based on what?
- He just sounds like a idiot.

- Okay.
This is what I'm talking about.

Let's make this
a teachable moment.

- Teachable moment? How?
- How?

- Yeah, how?
- I'll tell you how.

We do a field trip
to a Red Sox game,

and we show these kids
that no matter where you go,

people are basically the same.

- We gotta go on field trips?

Or how about we just say sorry?

What happened to that?
Look, look, watch me.

Sorry, Tom. Whoops!

- That felt insincere at best.

- Sounds lazy.

- I was sincere as a mother--

- Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh!

Listen, it's decided.

The kids are going
to a Red Sox game,

and Coach, you're gonna
be their chaperone.

- What?
- Oh, that's fun.

That'll be great.
- Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go.

But I'm just letting
y'all know,

I refuse to enjoy myself.

- That's fair.
That's a good compromise.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- What a day at Fenway
as we commemorate the date

Babe Ruth first signed
with the team.

- Oh, this is fun.
We're in Boston. Here we go.

- Yeah, I'm excited. Come on.

- Look at you guys.

What a symbol
of unity and harmony.

Have fun today.

- Thanks, Bus Driver.

- All right, let's go.

- You know what? I can't do it.

- Can't do what?
- Now that we're here,

I just can't let my shoes touch
Red Sox asphalt.

- Come on, Coach.

We drove three
and a half hours.

- We're here to take
a picture of me and you

hugging at Fenway, so...
- Hugging?

Listen, I ain't hugging shit.

- What?
- Go without me.

- Yeah, but we've gotta see
the trip through.

You can't say
"I'm not hugging shit."

- Uh, the bus driver will
take you.

Y'all--y'all go
with the bus driver.

- Does he even count
as a grownup?

- He's more of, like,
a man child, right?

- How about this?
Nelson, turn on the video call,

and you just check in with me,
and I'll see it from here.

- Man, come on, Coach.
- Please stop talking about it.

Get off this bus
and go in there and do

whatever the teachable nonsense
y'all supposed to be doing.

- I don't think you understood
the premise of the trip.

I really don't.
- Whee!

Coach, we are good!
- Hey, Coach.

- Look at this. Wow.

- All right. Look at you guys.

I knew y'all could do it.
I knew it.

- Very safe. Very safe.
- That fresh Boston air.

Who knew?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Uh-oh. Oh man, look.
- Look at what?

- What kind of asshole lunatic

shows up to a Sox game
in a Yankee cap?

- Oh, no.
- This is not good.

- Wait, what's not good?

- Yes, yes, I'm wearing
a Yankees cap.

How about no swearing
in front of the kids?

Maybe switching it up
and saying "tush" or "heinie."

- Okay, fine.

Do you want us to shove
that cap up your "tush"?

Or up your "heinie"?

Or straight up your asshole?
- Oh!

- Yeah, you can't say
the last part.

I mean, that defeats
the whole purpose.

Hey, what--
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no?
[all speaking at once]

- Don't take his pants off.
- What--whose pants?

What is happening out there?

- Coach, you gotta
get out here now.

- For what?
- Kids, run!

- Run for your lives.
- Go, go, go!

- Where is the bus driver?

- Can somebody open
the dumpster?

- In retrospect, I agree

I was a poor choice
of a chaperone!

- I am freaking out.
We do not have a chaperone.

- All right, don't panic.
Everyone's panicking.

- We need to pick
a de facto leader.

- How about me?
- You?

- What? No, Tom.
- No. No.

- No, no, hear me out.

I know the ball boy here.

- What?
- Wh--so?

- My Uncle Bill
is a senior ball boy.

- Isn't that, like,
a volunteer position?

- The important thing is,
I've got a contact,

so let me call the guy.

- All right.
- All right, here you go.

[phone beeps]
[line rings]

- Tommy.
- Hey, Uncle Bill.

It's Tom from New Jersey.

- Why does he have to say
where he's from?

- Listen, I can't talk now.

I'm taking a dump.
- What?

- I can't get off
the can, Tommy!

- Uncle Bill,
please don't hang up.

No, no, no.
- [laughs]

- Who answers a FaceTime call
while you're shitting?

- Yeah.
- You know what?

I just thought of something.
- Yeah?

- My dad knows
the owner of the team.

- What?

- You should have
mentioned that sooner.

- Yeah!

- Your dad knows the owner
of the Red Sox.

- That's correct.
- Yeah.

As soon as I said "ball boy,"

you should have offered
all this up.

- Name?
- Nelson.

My dad is friends
with the owner.

Defended him once in court.

- I got a Nelson out here.

Yeah, he says his dad
defended you once in court.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, no can do.
He says your dad's an asshole.

- Oh, my dad put a much better
spin on the whole friendship.

- Sir, I can't imagine
this is gonna have much sway,

but my Uncle Bill is actually
a ball boy here at the stadium.

- Wait a second.
Your uncle is Enormous Bill?

- Yeah, I mean, he is enormous.
- I had no idea

that Enormous Bill
even had a family.

- Oh, yeah.
- He's a legend here.

You know what?
- That's great.

- Come on in here.
- Wow.

I didn't expect that to work.

- Hey, guys, this is
Enormous Bill's nephew.

- No way.
You talking about Loner Bill?

- No, he's got a family.

- This is incredible.

- You must be Tom.
- I am.

- Your Uncle Bill is
a real character.

- I can't believe you know
my Uncle Bill.

- Yeah, messes up
the bathrooms,

but he is beloved around here.

Everybody loves him.
- Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.

Oh, and this is
my good buddy Nelson.

I think you know his dad.

- This is the kid
with the asshole father?

- What?
- Get him outta here.

Can someone have
this kid removed?

- Wait, gets your hands
off of me!

Back in Jersey,
people find me adorable!

- So, Tom,
wearing a Yankee cap?

That's a bold choice, son.

- Oh, no, no.
We're on a field trip.

My teacher had burned
my Red Sox jersey,

so this is a field trip
to learn about tolerance.

- Wait a minute.
You're the boy from the video.

- That's me.
- The shirtless idiot.

- No, no one calls me that,
but, I mean...

- You are a legend, sir.
- That's good.

- That story shone
such a bright

and necessary light
on a very real problem.

- It's true.
People can be maniacs.

- I'd like to shake
your hand, Tom.

- Actually,
this is why I came here.

Dakota, get a picture of this.
This is good.

- Great.
- Just shaking hands.

- It's great. I got it.
- This is great.

You know what?
- Yeah?

- I'm gonna do you one better.
- Okay.

- Linda, tell Casey Affleck
he's bumped.

Tom here, the shirtless idiot,

he's throwing out
the first pitch.

- I'm on it,
but I'm not telling the guy.

You tell him.
- Me? Oh, no, no.

I'm not good on the phone.
- Hey, this is Casey.

- Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom.

Sounds like you're out
and I'm in, so...

- And who the fuck
are you, Tom?

- Just Tom from Jersey.
Bassoon player--

- What are you talking about?
- Pooped my pants once.

- This is bush-league!
- You know what?

I don't have time to talk.
I gotta go.

- Great. It's done.

- I don't think the fans
wanna see me.

I don't have any fans.

- All right, Boston fans,
in ten minutes,

we've got the shirtless idiot
throwing the first pitch.

[cheers and applause]

- Okay, Tom, you're here.

This is gonna be
so much fun, right?

- Yes. All right.
- Okay.

- This will be fun.
- Listen to me here.

We got ten minutes.

When the light flashes,
we're live.

- Okay.
- Wave to the crowd.

Say something cute.
- What?

- Then fire a fastball.
- Fastball?

- And make sure you land it.

You cannot pull a 50 Cent
or a Mariah Carey.

- You know, I don't do well
in high-pressure situations.

- Oh, God.

- Can I run to the bathroom
real quick?

- Okay. But hurry.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Everybody,
move off to the sides.

We got
the honorary first pitcher,

and he's gotta take a pee.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey. What the hell?

- A Yankee cap in Fenway?
- Oh, oh, that.

We're on a peace summit
of sorts.

- You better start to pee-pee
right now.

- Come on, guys, please.
This is a lot of pressure.

both: One, two, three.

- Guys, please, I can't pee--
- Four, five.

- With the countdown.
- Seven.

- Can you please?
- C'mon!

- I can't imagine any urine's
about to come out of me.

- All right, come here.
Help me grab this kid.

- No, no, no.
- Come here!

- You had your chance.
- This is socially--

- Now get outta here!

- Tommy. Holy shit.
Is that you?

- Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey.

- Oh, my God. Come here.
This kid's my nephew.

Give me a hug, you big
goofy-looking son of a bitch.

Come here.
- Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.

- [growling]
- Not in the bathroom.

Uncle Bill, it's too much.

Listen, it's a long story,

but I'm actually throwing out
the first pitch of the game.

- Wow.
- And I needed to pee first.

It's an emergency.
I gotta find a bathroom.

- Okay. Okay. Listen, listen.

As the senior most ball boy
here, I got full access.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah, come on.

Come on, I'll show you.
- Oh, my god.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry. He's under my watch.

- Well, listen,
I hate to pull rank here,

but ball boy
outranks security guard.

- Ah, I don't know, Bill.

- Does ball boy
outrank anything?

- There's no time to argue.
We gotta pee. Come on!

♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

♪ We're gonna make
a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪

♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

All right, Tommy.
See that grass out there?

- Yeah?

- That grass is all yours.

[heavenly music]

- Oh, thank you so much.
This is perfect.

- Anywhere you want.
[zipper unzips]

- Oh, this is a pleasure.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill.

- You're welcome, man.
- Bro, what the eff, man?

- Oh, oh, I'm good.
I'm with Uncle Bill.

- No, you're not good.
What are you doing?

- I'm with Uncle Bill, I said.

- You're pissing on Babe Ruth's
original mitt from 1914.

- Oh, no.
- Look at this kid.

He's pissing on Ruth's mitt.

[crowd booing]
- What the hell?

- Oh, that's disgusting.
- You suck!

- No. Honest mistake.
I meant no disrespect.

- This is the ultimate
disrespect, you little shit.

- Oh, no, if we blame anyone,
I mean, let's blame

Casey Affleck, right?
Right, Uncle Bill?

- Uncle? No.
I never met this kid.

I'm the senior Ball Boy.
I got stuff to do.

- Uncle Bill.
- Get him, guys!

[all shouting]

[exciting music]

- Get in here. Get in here.

I got a text saying
that our very own Tom

is going to throw out
the first pitch at Fenway!

Are you shitting me?

- Sad day at Fenway

as there will be no
ceremonial first pitch thrown.

A child named Tom was
scheduled to participate,

but instead,
he pulled out his wiener

and urinated
on Babe Ruth's mitt,

further enflaming tensions...

- Well, that was disappointing.

That's why I don't like
to get excited.

- And there he is,
the little maniac

that urinated
on Babe Ruth's mitt.

This child right here,
in a nutshell,

is what's wrong with sports.

[upbeat rock music]

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