Original subtitles

- Ah.

[screams]

- Uh-huh. And how about here?

- [screams]

- Okay.

First, stop doing six months of flossing

the night before you see me. You can't just catch up.

- Agree to disagree.

- Second, your wisdom teeth are infected.

They need to come out. - What? When?

- Today. - [chuckles] No, I can't.

Today is the Chili Cook-off at the station, and I'm the judge.

- There's literally chili in those teeth.

They have to come out.

- Doc, listen, I've had these teeth all my life.

They fill out my mouth.

They give me a nice long chew-span.

- I told you to do this three years ago.

- Well, why didn't we?

- You said you were judging a Pancake Cook-off.

- That's because I'm a great Cook-off judge.

- And now they're infected.

- Fine. Let's do it.

- All right. I'll get you set up

with plenty of pain killers for post-surgery.

- I don't need it. I mean, it's just oral surgery, right?

It's, like, the lamest surgery there is.

[chuckles] - Careful.

You could wake up with no teeth in your mouth.

- What?

[drill whirring] - [chuckling]

[slow-motion evil laughter]

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

[upbeat music]

- The hunter-gatherers have returned!

- And we come bearing great quantities of meat.

- And sour cream.

- What are you watching, Cap?

- It's this cooking show "Chef U.C.K."

- Ooh, I love that show.

- Somebody's reliving the glory days.

- Which ones? - The Chili Cook-off, man.

Just admit it. You retired too soon.

And now there's a new sheriff in town.

Two-time reigning Champion

fighting Granny Smith!

- [chuckles] - [imitating crowd roaring]

- Okay, okay.

I crushed you at the Chili Cook-off many times

before I retired.

- That was when I was a boy.

Face the man now. You see?

- Yeah. Well, my seven Chili Championships are behind me,

and I like being retired.

- You're like Jordan, retiring at the top of your game.

- That's right. Because there were no more challenges,

and there still wouldn't be.

- Whoa. Whoa. - Okay.

And this year is gonna be a little bit different

because I got my uncle's famous chili recipe,

and I'm gonna blow y'all out of the water.

It's called--wait.

It's called--oh, my God.

- You should try a memory word-train.

You say a word

and it makes you think of the next word and so on

until you get back to the thing you were trying to remember.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, I heard that.

So you just, like, say it like a word-train.

Like, like, chili, chili-- chili dog, dog, doghouse,

housework, work, work pants, pants pocket--

hey, my car keys. I didn't even know these were lost.

Thanks, Andy. That works.

- Glad I could help, I guess.

- In honor of the 25th Annual A Shift Chili Cook-off,

I got us a little upgrade.

[chuckles]

[angelic choir singing]

both: Oh, shit. The Chili Chalice.

- [chuckles]

I had them add some effects down at TakeHomeA Trophy.

It was 7 bucks.

50 bucks for insurance, but we can split that or whatever.

Man, look, Cap, you're all over this thing.

2016, Chili Wonka.

- Chili with a hint of chocolate to melt your heart.

- 2015, Chilary Swank,

2014, Winston ChurChili, 2013, Chili Nelson.

- Oh, yeah. That one that gave you the munchies.

- But look at this new blank name space, though.

- I had them add another base

so we can add more names to it.

- All that empty space after my name

makes the Penisi era look like ages ago.

- And I'm okay with because I'm retired. End of story.

- Hey, where's our judge?

- Lucy's driving him from the dentist right now.

The dude just got all his wisdom teeth removed.

- Is he gonna be able to judge? - You tell me.

Lucy just went live-streaming on "Boi-oi-oing."

- [babbles incoherently]

Lower seals! Lower seals! [laughter]

Hey, it's a safari. Wanna go on a safari?

They got lions and tigers.

They got rhinoceroses. They got wildebeests.

Often they have safaris on the Serengeti.

Have you ever been to Serengeti before?

- Man, these videos are so embarrassing.

I'm telling you, that's a good lesson to young people,

though, right? - Yeah.

- Stay away from the dentist.

- No, that's not the lesson.

- I'm gonna get one of those squirrel suits.

You wear a squirrel suit before?

- No, Dad.

- You can fly off cliffs with 'em. They're skin tight.

Super tight. It's skin tight. - [laughing]

- Lower seals! Lower seals!

I don't know why the seals won't go down.

- Wow, you are Boing-ing like crazy.

- Lucy, is this real life?

[upbeat music]

Hey. Whoo!

Throw me in the ball pit. - He is lunchmeat.

- What's up, Eddie! Hey.

You wanna ride the rollercoaster with me?

Oh! - Whoo.

- Ah! - [chuckling] Yeah.

- [laughs] - That's a good one.

- Hey, hey! - Hey.

- I got an owl box. - I know.

- You know I got an owl box? - I helped you put it up.

I helped you put it up. - I put it in my backyard.

I have a rodent problem. You know rodents?

- Yes.

- Owls eat rabbits, gophers, skunks, moles, monkeys.

- Do you have monkeys on your land?

- Yeah, gopher monkeys. - Gopher monkeys?

- Yeah. You ever seen gopher monkeys before?

- No. What do they eat? Underground bananas?

- They eat rocks. - A rock monkey?

- I wish things could always be this way.

- Hey, I saw you on the social media.

- The social media, huh? - Yeah.

- Well, did you see that I was kind of blowing up?

- You know, there are people-- - Hey, hey.

- Who don't like those kind of videos.

- Did you know I got an owl box?

- Especially dentist ones. - Hey, I got an owl box.

- And this is one of them. I know.

I helped you put up the owl box.

- I don't mean to interrupt. Go ahead.

- Do you know how hard it is

to get a video to spring on Boi-oi-oing?

He got me 100 re-bounces. I mean, if he keeps this up,

he could be the next Cranberry Juice Guy.

- How come my legs don't go up? - Did you ask his permission?

- Yeah. I mean, of course I asked him.

- You like pickles? - I love pickles.

- Dill? - Dill, fried.

- Gherkins? - How do you not love this?

- Just be careful. - I got it. I got it.

- Nice one, Chief.

- Whoa, who's this guy? - Andy.

- Is he real, this guy? - Yeah, he's real.

- Yeah. Hey, are you excited about a little Chili Cook-off?

- Oh, it's gonna be super awesome.

- Oh, yeah. - I've been watching it on TV.

- No, we're gonna be doing it here.

- No, it's been on ESPN.

- I was thinking that maybe

I'd use a recipe from the islands.

- Hawaii. - Yeah.

But do you like pineapple?

- I like in piña coladas. - That's great.

- Do you like piña colada? - I do.

- One time when she was 16-years-old,

I caught Lucy drinking piña colada.

- Oh, God.

- Such a great story. - Yeah, thanks, man.

- Well, that's all I needed to hear. Goodnight.

- It's got a lot of vitamins in it.

- Great.

- Hey, when will I see you again?

- Still gonna be here. - Lucy! Lucy!

- Hey, are we gonna do the morning meeting today?

- When is today? - Um, now.

- You don't have to, Chief. - No, let's do it.

Morning meeting? That's my favorite thing.

- Oof. - Be careful, Chief.

[all groaning]

- Kinda looks like a Fruit Roll-Up.

Granny, is he supposed to do that?

- No.

How much more is there?

- Almost done. [groans]

- Ugh. - That hurt.

- Oh, God. - Ugh.

- Good. So that's done. - Enough of that, right?

Right now I'm gonna open the floor up to questions.

- Hey, if we're doing questions, can I--

- Yeah, muscles. Go.

- If you had to get rid of one fire fighter out of all us...

- Uh-oh. - Be honest.

Would it be Andy? - Hey.

- It definitely would not be Andy

because I often use his toothbrush.

[chuckles] He didn't know it,

but, you know, sometimes when I don't have my toothbrush,

I use his toothbrush.

- What did you say?

- I find you to be the most hygienically sound.

[chuckles] - What do you mean?

Like, he got the cleanest mouth?

- Yeah, he's got a super clean mouth.

Look at him. He's like a little, round bar of soap.

- That is so weird, Dad.

- You know what I'm talking 'bout?

- I'm gonna change the subject.

Hey, Chief, I have a question. - Yeah, go, you in the front.

- Will we be getting raises this year?

- Will we be getting racist this year?

Young lady, you're new to this department,

but that's bullshit.

- No, no, no. Raises this year.

- Braces? Andy could use some braces,

if you know what I'm talking about.

- Whoa! - That's rude.

- Chief, c'mon, you gotta lay off with that.

- What is happening?

- Raises! An increase in salary.

- Oh, raises.

I'll tell you what, if I were Andy and I was getting a raise,

I'd use the money to straighten my teeth out.

- Okay, okay. C'mon, c'mon.

- You know what I'm saying? No offense.

- Is this a roast? - Chief.

- And you, stop putting lemon in your hair, Ike.

- What? I'm not putting-- I don't put lemon in my hair.

- It makes your hair a weird color, bro.

- Chief, you need some water.

- Just man to man, I'm telling you.

- Don't use a straw.

The suction can cause dry socket.

- Ooh, dry socket. I don't even know what that is.

- What's dry socket?

- It's when suction pops a blood clot inside the wound.

- You know what this room could use? An owl box.

- C'mon. C'mon, dude. C'mon.

- An owl box, just an owl box. Do you have an owl box?

- How did I not just film all of that?

- Mm. - Hoo.

- ♪ Ah - Oh, he's back.

- ♪ [vocalizing high notes]

This is great, man.

We should have a Chili Cook-off, right?

- That's a good idea.

- Should we? - Yeah.

- Here's one thing, though. See that blanks space?

What happened to all your champion-shipses?

- I added a base plate to put more names for more winners.

- Yeah, but all the blank space

makes it look like he's never won anything before.

[laughter]

Right? Huh? I'm gonna go have some pudding out of this, okay?

- Go for it. - I'll see you later.

- Okay, take her easy.

- I'll see you guys later. What's up, cup?

- All right. [whistles]

- You guys, we could still do this.

Chief's gonna be back to his old self soon.

- Is he even gonna be able to chew, though?

- Yeah, he'll be fine in a couple hours.

We should definitely do the Chili Cook-off.

- We? - Yeah, we.

If Jordan could unretire, then so can I.

And I'm gonna join this year's Cook-off.

And I'm gonna kick all y'all's asses.

- So this is a recipe from my Hawaiian ancestors,

and Chief says he already loves it.

So I'm excited. [chuckles]

- But here is the big story. Coming out of retirement,

seven-time champion Captain Eddie Penisi.

- That's right, seven time champion. Seven.

- What's it feel like to be back?

- It's like putting on an old slipper. Whoo!

[pot clatters] [laughter]

- Hey, Lucy.

If you're gonna do a show, introduce the star.

Come down here. - Oh, come on.

- My apologies. Granny, tell us what's going down here.

- Well, as two-time defending champ,

I'm getting a little creative,

so I will be making a chili with a zesty cheese base.

- [imitates buzzer] That sounds like a queso.

A chili can be a lot of things, but it's definitely not yellow.

- All right. Ike, what's in your chili?

- Uh, it's a mystery. So.

- Ooh, he's playing it coy, folks.

- No, no, it's actually a mystery to me.

I have no idea 'cause I don't have my uncle's recipe.

I lost it, so I don't know what to do with--

- Ike, you should use the memory word-train.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Just give me one second.

Recipe, recipe book, book, book smart,

smartass, asshole, whole onion.

Whole onion. That's it.

I got tons of whole onions.

[chuckling] Hope you like it spicy.

- All right, Rachael Ray, your turn.

- Okay.

I have a recipe and I have a special ingredient in it

that is going to blow the tits off this place.

And it's vegetarian.

- Vegetarian as in turkey meat?

- No. It's a plant-based beef substitute called

Implausible Meat. [bell rings]

[laughter]

- Do you know who the judge is?

- We call him Chief because he likes chicken and beef.

- Well, over the past few months, I've been mixing

Implausible Meat into his burgers and meatloaf.

I've reconditioned his palate and he has no idea.

- That's implausible.

- Clever girl.

- Son of a bitch.

- That's cheating.

- It's the long game, Granny.

- Whatever. You chilennials can have your fake meat

and your pineapple and your queso.

I just stick to a good, old-fashioned chili.

Keep It Simple Stew-pid.

- I think I know what my Dad likes.

- Well, I've known your Dad

since his cholesterol was under 300.

- You knew him in the womb? [laughter]

Hey, Chief, we were just talking about you.

- Your ears must be burning. - [groaning]

Why's everybody standing around?

It doesn't take all day to bake chili.

- Oh. I think his anesthesia wore off.

- What's that? Fruit in your chili?

- Yeah. - Hot fruit's disgusting.

- But I thought you said you were gonna like this, Chief.

I'm calling it Beaña Colada.

- I never said that.

Fruit should be eaten at room temperature

and only when your wife tells you to.

- Hey, Chief,

remember coming back from the dentist this morning?

- I remember everything. You guys are lucky

nobody video'd me because it would be trouble.

There's nothing worse than those stupid videos

with those pathetic idiots coming home from the dentist.

- They do get a lot of boings. - It's an invasion of privacy!

Ow. [sighs]

The pain in my mouth is getting exponentially worse.

And I'm hungry. So we're gonna do

this chili contest in exactly one half hour.

[groaning]

- Hey, is your dad taking his medication?

- They gave him pain pills but he won't take 'em.

- Why not? - He says he doesn't need them.

- Ugh. Why do old, white men do that?

[soft dramatic music]

♪

- Don't look at me. I love medication.

And I'm not old.

[upbeat music]

- [groans]

- C'mon, dude, you don't have to suffer through this.

Lucy brought your medication.

You should take it. Here. Yeah.

- I don't need pain meds.

I'm a McConky. McConkys can handle pain.

- You had oral surgery, man. - So what?

My wife gave birth without drugs.

I think I'm man enough to handle a little toothache.

Dismissed! - [sighs]

- 20 minutes!

[dramatic music]

♪

- [slow-motion laughter]

♪

- Done. With eight minutes to spare.

- Figures. Old people love to eat early.

- [chuckles] That's cute, Granny.

I remember my second championship.

- And I'm on my way to my third.

- Hmm. Well, if you do it,

don't forget to thank the dairy farmers. What?

- There's seven minutes left here,

and everyone is up against the clock

except Granny and Cap

seem to be more interested in slinging zings than chili.

- Lucy, stop messing around!

Live in the moment, for God's sake.

- Okay.

- Why do I still smell pineapple?

- What? - [growls]

- What am I supposed to do?

I already took all the pineapple chunks out of there.

- [groaning]

[soft dramatic music]

♪

- That looks more like sloppy joes.

- This is my Uncle Joe's recipe.

How did you even know we call him Sloppy?

- You made sloppy joes instead of chili.

- Oh, no.

Sloppy joe, Uncle Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe Biden.

biding my time, time's up. I'm fucked.

- [groaning]

- [sighs]

♪

30 seconds! I need water.

- But--Chief!

Chief, no!

[pop] - [groaning]

- He popped the clot! Dry socket!

[all screaming]

[energetic music]

♪

- Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no!

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm totally springing right now.

I'm getting so many re-bounces.

I could be an influencer!

- This Cook-off is cancelled! [screams]

[app boinging]

- I like him better with his wisdom teeth.

[chuckles]

[soft upbeat music]

I'm actually happy that the cook-off is over

'cause now I can put some pineapple back into my chili

and have a great dinner.

- I can't believe we did all this work for nothing.

- The dry socket tirade

did get me a shitload more followers.

Implausible Meat even started following me.

- See?

- If only there was a way we could get him to take his meds.

Then he'd be able to judge again.

- And I could get so many more followers.

- The man won't use medicated lip balm.

There's no chance he's taking those meds on his own.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hey, Dad. Here's some chocolate milk.

It'll make you feel better.

♪

- Hey, Chief, brought your favorite pudding.

- [mouth full] Thank you.

- All right, eat it.

♪

- You put it in my mouth? - No.

You're supposed to rub it on your body.

Ah!

I don't let my wife touch my neck.

- What neck? You're like a snowman.

♪

- Mm, that's a good chowder.

- May I? - Hey, take it easy.

- No, no, it's good. This will add flavor.

- I'm on statins.

♪

[peanut brittle taps]

♪

I can't eat peanut brittle.

- Oh, 'cause you--you don't wanna hurt your teeth.

- Peanut brittle! It's peanut brittle!

- I know. Sorry.

Idiot!

♪

- Don't judge me.

♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- Ah. - Hey, what's up, dude?

- What's in the oven? Thought the contest was over.

- So did I. Then I saw you stirring.

- Well, you never know.

Maybe the Chief will suddenly feel better.

- Mm. That's what I thought.

And as you know,

any good firefighter always stays prepared.

- [sniffs] Oh, yeah. Who's making steak?

- You son of a bitch. You're pivoting.

- [goofy laugh]

What's up, guys? - Hey, Chief.

Okay. - Hey.

I'm coming over here. What's up Ike-oroni?

- I'm pretty good. - The San Francisco treat.

- [chuckles] Oops. We good.

- [chuckling] Whoo-hoo! Oh, man, I feel good.

- You look good.

- My neck smells fantastic. Smell it.

- Huh? - You wanna smell it?

- Oh, yeah. - What's it smell like?

- Smells like flowers.

- Piña colada, piña colada. - Yeah, piña colada.

- Piña Colada, right? - Yeah.

So I'm feeling really good.

And I'm thinking the contest is back on.

- Oh! - Sweet.

- You know what? I liked my milk and my pudding so much,

I think you should blend the chilis. Right?

- What do you mean? Like in a blender?

- Yeah, man. That would be dope.

Don't you think? I mean, do you wanna chew?

- No, sir. I mean-- - Do you wanna chew?

- Don't have to chew. - Who wants to chew?

You wanna chew? - No, it hurts my teeth.

- It's too much exercise. Let's cut the middleman, right?

- Okay, yeah. Who needs a middleman?

- Liquefy the bitch. [chuckles]

C'mon, 15 minutes.

Whoa! What's up, man?

What's up? Vertical leap!

[dramatic music]

♪

[snoring]

♪

Huh?

What are we waiting for?

- You, your honor. - Oh. [chuckles] Let's begin.

- Andy Myawani's, sir, and I'm presenting to you Beaña Colada.

- That's funny. - Enjoy.

- Beaña Colada.

Mm.

Seems like someone was trying to hide the taste of pineapple.

And we all know hot fruit is not dope.

[dramatic music]

[blows raspberry]

- My submission is Mission Implausible.

- I don't understand it, but okay. [chuckles]

Mm--oh, my God, this is disgusting.

[laughter]

Is this that Implausible Meat shit

that you give me at home? - You knew about that?

- Yeah. This stuff sucks. - Ha!

- Tastes like a house plant took a shit.

Implausibly sucky.

Last place! [blows raspberry]

What's this one all about?

Sloppy Joe's chili. - Oh, you'll like it.

♪

- Pretty good.

If it was a sloppy joe contest, but it's not.

- No, I guess not. - Disqualified.

[blows raspberry] - Thanks for trying it.

- Hey, Chiefy.

My entry: Keep It Simple Stew-pid.

- All right.

Oh, first of all, you spelled stupid wrong, stupid.

[slurps]

Steak. - Mm-hmm.

- Medium rare.

- Just the way you like it, Chief.

- Potatoes. This is delicious, Captain.

- Wait. Liquefied steak and potatoes?

Are you kidding me?

- Yeah. Well, sometimes

you gotta change your recipe-nizi on the fly.

- Hey, look at that. Appetizers. Cheese All That.

Oh, yeah, man, that's pretty good.

- Dad, be careful. - Chief. Chief.

- It doesn't matter. Can't feel a thing.

- No! - These chips are pointy.

- No! - Oh, gosh.

- Chief. - C'mon, Chief.

- Oh, this is gold.

- You guys want some? all: No.

- Okay, listen up.

I am prepared to announce the winner.

And the winner...

of the contest... [app boinging]

is...

- Dad. Dad, wake up.

- Hey, there he is.

- The winner is...

Beaña Colada. [all exclaiming]

- What? - You hate hot fruit.

- C'mon. - Want one?

- No, thanks. Here you go, little buddy.

- Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, Chief, so much.

Thank you, Chief. Wow.

- Breathe in, man. - [chuckling] Wow.

[sighs]

[crying] Here we are, the champ.

And it started at a little island in Hawaii.

My ancestors went across--

- What the hell are you guys doing?

- What? What are we doing?

- This is how you treat your friend?

Your father? Your chief? - Oh, man.

- And Lucy, you live-streamed him like this out to the world?

- But it's so hard to go viral.

- Vicky, what are you doin' here?

- I saw you on the internet. You're a meme.

- What's that supposed to meme?

[chuckles] - [chuckles half-heartedly]

[imitates rim shot]

- Mom, please don't.

[quirky dramatic music]

♪

- Who's that guy? He looks like an asshole.

[chuckles]

[snoring]

- There he is.

- Look who's name is on the chalice.

[chuckles] Andy Myawani. Whoo!

Beaña Colada. They even got the enye in there.

- Congrats, Andy.

- Thank you. - What the hell?

I can't get into my Boi-oi-oing account.

- That's because I shut it down.

- What? - Oh, no-oi-oi-oi-oing.

- Yeah. When I saw the videos you posted

without my permission, I filed a complaint.

Your account has been suspended indefinitely.

- No, no, no. What about my new followers?

- They took 'em away. - No. Dad.

- And I am banning all employees

from using B-boi-oi-oing in the workplace.

- I think that's a little extreme.

- Pineapple chili. What was I thinking?

Ugh. No more pain meds.

- Hey, don't sweat it, Lucy. Followers shmollowers.

What does social media really get you?

- Yeah, it's not like somebody's in their office

right now saying, "Hey, get that Lucy McConky on the line.

We need to give her a million dollars."

- [chuckles] - Yeah, I guess so.

- Oh, my God. This stuff sucks.

Implausible Meat? Ugh.

Tastes like a house plant took a shit.

- Okay, that's rude.

- I really thought Lucy McConky would be the new face

of Implausible Meat, but I guess not.

- She doesn't even have a Boi-oi-oing account any more.

- Oh, what a loser.

Reach out to that firefighter in Pittsburgh.

The one who made Implausible Mince Meat Pie for her station.

She will be, like, so dope. - Good idea, Becky.

Oh, and she has a cat named Penguin.

Our demo's gonna go insane.

- Oh, my God. I would've never thought of that.

- I know. So innovative.

- Too bad, Lucy McConky.

You will never know how close you came.

Buh-bye.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0