Original subtitles

[Bats screeching]

[Ominous music]

(Male narrator) Once upon a time

A fair maiden and a lad

Journeyed out for a feast with their kind-hearted dad.

But before they gave thanks and took even a bite

A maniac arrived like a boat in the night.

He murdered, he butchered, with few words spoken.

Leaving only the fair maiden and her shattered heart broken.

Yes!

But he didn't get far, that demon with a gun.

And they gave him the chair as he ended his run.

They sent his blackened ashes to his mother, a witch...

Who tracked down the maiden and left her a gift.

[Ominous music]

A box filled with spices and ashes within.

[Music continues]

And when she baked up a cookie...

[Electricity crackling]

It rose with a grin.

[Sniggering]

It mangled and murdered.

No, no. Sweet mother of Jesus.

[Gingerdead Man cackling]

It bludgeoned and chopped.

[Screaming]

[Gingerdead Man laughing]

The Gingerdead Man who couldn't be stopped.

[Woman screaming]

[Gingerdead Man giggling]

Until late in the night, when he finally met his fate.

Prince did rescue the maiden ingrate.

Wait. No, please.

Stay away from him, he's possessed.

The story ended happily just like it should

As the homicidal cookie was banished for good.

The bakery was sold and the maiden was married.

The spices restored as the bodies were buried.

So, don't peek in the oven or that black smoldering pan.

You just might find the monster called the Gingerdead Man.

[Laughing diabolically]

[Aimee-Lynn Chadwick singing "Run, Run, Run"]

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* That don't mean I devise no plan *

* I'm sick I'm whack I'm a maniac *

* I'm switched out flat I'll bust a cap *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* Your number's up meet the hatchet man *

* I'll kick I'll claw I'll bust your jaw *

* I'm meaner than a mother-in-law *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* I'm a Syrian outcast out for blood *

* Nowhere to go your name is mud *

* You didn't meet your ass is grass *

* I'm openin' up a can of whoop-ass *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* I'm a hateful negative sociopath *

* I'll send you hot you'll feel my wrath *

* I'll grind your bones to bake my bread *

* You won't come back 'cause you'll be dead *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* I'll take you out with a frying pan *

* You're in my way I'm ready to brawl *

* I'm a walking talking wrecking ball *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* You better run and hide as fast as you can *

* I'm out for blood it's your last stand *

* Done me wrong gotta pay the price *

* Time to meet the piper time just flies *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* So run *

* Just ru-u-n *

* Yeah **

(Male #1) 'Alright, everybody, back to one.'

(Male #2) ' "Tiny Terrors," take 36.'

(Male #1) 'Lights, camera, action.'

[Thunder rumbling]

[Wolves howling]

'I call upon thee, the dark lord, Satan.'

Bring forth all of the fiery power from the oven

That is your flaming sanctuary.

'I call upon the element of fire.'

'Let the burning heat and flames release your minions'

'From the dark underworld.'

No!

Yes, Cornelius. Yes, Zira.

Satan thrives on pain.

Deliver unto him this nubile virgin's infernal suffering.

'Braise her. Braise her! Ha ha ha!'

'Braise her, braise her, braise her. Ha ha ha.'

[Screaming]

Please!

Now... throw gold at her.

- No! - Yes!

- Throw gold. - No gold.

More gold.

'More gold!'

- More gold. - 'No.'

More gold, it pleasures me. Ha ha ha!

'Even still more gold.'

Give her the gold. Ha ha ha!

Now, let the blood of this innocent flesh be your offering.

Let her misery and extinguished life be the essence

That opens up the portal to release your minions.

As I bear this dagger

'The instrument of your will'

'May my aim be true.'

May the blood spilled on this altar

Be the final ingredient

To release your Tiny Terrors and cause them to rise!

[Screaming]

[Heartbeat pounding]

Rise! Rise! Rise, oh Tiny Terrors.

Rise! Ha ha ha!

Abu, Rabu, Simbu too!

Treasure chest.

[Crackling]

[Laughing]

[Gibbering]

Hemorrhoid.

[Crackling]

[Babbling]

[Male #3 laughing]

Dob Goblin.

[Crackling]

Here I am.

[Laughing]

Perculator.

[Machine gun firing]

[Beeping]

Shit-for-brains.

[Crackling]

[Humming indistinctly]

And finally, Haunted Dildo.

Rise, Haunted Dildo. Rise!

[Laughing diabolically]

Welcome, oh Tiny Terrors.

Now, go forth and spread your evil

Across this debauched planet.

Go, and destroy humanity!

[Laughing diabolically]

[Rattling]

Son of a bitch. Goddamn cock sucker.

- That's a cut. - That's a cut, people.

No. No, no, no.

Your line is, "Rise up and hover through these cursed streets"

"And suck forth the light force

That will feed the almighty demon."

Do you need me to read lines with you?

I know my goddamn lines.

Clear out, clear out. Coming through.

Calm down, calm down. Hold still, Mary.

Oh, get away from me, you queen.

Kelvin!

'I cannot work like this.'

I have been here since 8 a.m.

'It is now 10 p.m.'

I have 15 pages of dialogue to learn by tomorrow

And this ceremonial belt is killing my prostate.

- I'm outta here. - Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Don't go anywhere.

I've got six pages and three hours to do it in.

- You can't bail on me now. - Unhand me.

- Brick. - Yeah.

- I wanna go home, too. - And I gotta piss.

Everybody, just please, calm down.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

(Male #3) 'Yeah, whatever.'

Let's just, uh, untie our Nubile Young Virgin.

'Then we can all get back to work.'

'Come on, we're trying to make a movie here.'

Let's just hang in there. Let's go. Chop chop.

Let's keep it down, people.

Miserable puppets.

Guys, what is going on with these puppets?

- You're killing me. - What is going on?

These assholes can't afford to do this shit right.

- I mean, who built this crap? - I did.

Look. Look. Look, look.

We all agreed to do this for Kelvin

'Because his father gave us our start.'

'But let's face it. The genre is dead.'

And so is this operation.

Cheatum International is far from dead, fellas.

'This is just a little detour.'

This picture is gonna mark the return of my father's studio

As a major force in the entertainment industry.

"Tiny Terrors 9?" Purgatory of the Petit?"

I defy you to forget a title like that.

'I'd like to forget I ever met you.'

[Jazz music]

Looks like we're gonna be here another three hours, Polly.

Better order up that third meal.

I got something better than a third meal, stud.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

And I hope you're hungry.

'Cause I'm breaking up my big, pink box.

My sister sent us some baked goods

All the way from the great state of Texas.

You think you can handle these, honey buns?

I always say, "Nothing satiates the savage appetite"

'"of a North American movie crew member'

Like hot and sticky sweets."

[Ominous music]

Are you joking?

These things are stale.

Hey! Alright, people. Get it together. We're back in ten.

I know you're exhausted.

I'm exhausted. Hell, the whole crew is exhausted.

Now, look. You just calm down. You just, you just hang it...

No, no, no. You just hang in there.

It'll be fine.

You said this movie was gonna make me a new star.

Uh, it will. You're gonna be a big star.

You said I was the most talented waitress you'd ever met.

Oh, honey, you are exceedingly talented.

- I gave you a blow job! - You too?

- Aah! - Uh, Kelvin.

'Kelvin, you said this was gonna be a walk in the park.'

You said, "Come up to the beach.

Direct the stupid puppets. Take the cash."

Look. I really, really like to help you save your dad's studio.

But you didn't pay enough to put up with this shit!

- You get paid? - No.

- He's getting paid? - No, Ricki, what he meant was...

Everybody, he's been getting paid.

Is that what you're telling me?

Haven't gotten around the payroll...

Is that what you're telling me?

[Clamoring]

Oh, my god.

You broke my nose.

Didn't anyone ever teach you not to hit a girl?

[Clamoring]

[Clamoring continues]

Great work, everybody.

I'm gonna be in my office ordering pizza for everyone.

I know you're all hungry for a little something.

[Clamoring continues]

[Ominous music]

(Gingerdead Man) 'Looks like my kinda place.'

Ah, wait till they get a taste of me.

[Orchestral music]

[Roaring]

(Heather) 'All fastened onto your wheelchair.'

I feel like I'm the luckiest boy in the whole world.

[Coughing]

Cheatum Studios.

'I can't believe I'm actually here.'

Well, that's what End Of The Rainbow is all about.

Making your final dreams come true.

This is your special night, Tommy.

I mean, just look at this place.

Can you just feel the movie magic in the air?

[Sobbing]

(Kelvin) 'Wait. Wait, Wendy. Please, please.

Please don't quit, Wendy.

- We need you. - It hurts.

Ah! But remember pain is temporary, film is forever.

I just know that he broke my nose.

No, no, no. It's gonna be just fine.

Hold on. Let me see.

Does it look terrible?

No. Not at all.

You just need to put ice on it. Know what? You look beautiful.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

- Do you mean it? - Yeah.

Excuse me, do you know where I could find Mr. Cheatum?

Honey, I have a meeting I have to attend to.

Will you please just grab some coffee, take an aspirin?

- I'll see you back inside? - Okay, Kelvin.

Ma'am, if you're here

Regarding the Tiny Terror action figure lawsuit...

No, actually...

I can assure you, the toys deemed toxic

Have been removed from the shelves and incinerated.

I'm sure you've heard that almost 80 percent of the boy's

Body hair will eventually grow back...

- I need to speak to you, now. - Actually, I'm Heather Crocker.

From the End Of The Rainbow Last Wish Foundation.

- And? - And I'm Tommy.

It was my dying wish to see your amazing studio.

You're Kelvin Cheatum.

Son of Rupert Cheatum, the low-budget movie master.

Creator of such genre hit classics

As "Beach Blanket Bludgeonry"

And "Maniac Drycleaner" and "Escape From Sloth Island."

That one was a little slow in parts, but thank you.

Are you kidding? Your father was a genius.

I have every single movie he ever made.

He changed my life.

Or what's left of it anyway.

Oh, don't be sad, Tommy.

Maybe, you'll see him up in heaven.

She's right.

'We don't have time for doom and gloom around here.'

This is a place where your wildest dreams come true.

So, who's ready to see first hand, the magic that is

Cheatum Studios!

(Female #1) 'Keep it down, asshole.'

Nothing like a hot, steaming bowl

Of Polly's special somethin' somethin'

To get you through your mid-evening fisticuffs.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Polly's got to do her best

To keep a big strapping boy like you well fed.

- Is it... hot enough for you? - Real hot.

Fucking whore. Where the hell am I?

I better split before one of these shitheads gets hungry.

Here we are in the historic Cheatum Studio's back lot.

Wow! That's "Hamburger Time Traveler" detective.

- Howdy, son? - Who?

The sharp-boiled, hard-boiled crime fighter.

Created from the fusion of a hard bitten street detective

And his lunch during a teleportation accident

Gone horribly wrong.

I need to talk to you.

Marty, can't you see I'm in the process of making

This young man's final dream come true?

Unless you want your life to become a living nightmare

You need to give me a minute of your time right now.

Will you two excuse me for a moment?

I've some important movie industry business to attend to.

Sure.

Alright, listen.

The wire didn't come through from Russia today, okay?

We've a serious cash flow problem.

We've had cash flow problems in the past. It'll iron itself out.

If it does come through I still don't think I can catch up.

You've way too many movies in production.

You got Tiny Terrors on the big stage, Space Makers in Studio B.

You've lose ends of movies you're still trying to finish.

I say we pull the plug on 90% of what we got goin' on

And just make one really great movie.

Why don't we just try to get through this week?

Then we'll discuss cutting back on future slate.

- Future slate. - Mm-hmm.

We may not have one.

The script for "Tiny Terrors 9" got leaked onto the internet.

People hate it. Alright?

These online bloggers and movie reviewers

They're starting to get ferocious with you.

The reviewers love us. They grew up with us.

My father's studio is an American institution.

My father's studio is an American institution. - Really? - Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Really? Okay. - Really.

Let's see here. Um, ooh.

"I'd rather have lye poured into my eyes

Than have to sit through another half-baked Cheatum production."

Uh, "Tiny Terrors 9, audience nothing."

Uh, "A production so wooden, it'll give you splinters."

And here's my favorite.

"If you've trouble sleeping, pop in the latest..."

- Alright! Alright, I get it. - And those are the good ones.

There's this guy, this movie reviewer, horror reviewer.

Calls himself "Demon Warrior 13," alright?

He started a letter writing campaign to boycott our movies

And all outlets that sell 'em, unless we shut down production.

Come on, how much damage can Demon Warrior 13 actually cause?

In and Out Video cancelled their order.

Netpix cancelled their order.

That bastard! This guy's a maniac.

We're fading away, Kelvin, alright? We need something big.

Okay? Something that's gonna draw attention to the studio.

We need it fast.

I guess it's time to get back to the bloodshed.

Gourmet cookies, huh?

Hey, Polly, you getting fancy on us?

Just a little lovin' from the oven, baby.

(Ricki) 'Spread out, make room for baby.'

- Hey, watch it, man. - Sorry, Butch.

So what you servin' up tonight, Polly?

Mmm. Some sugar and spice and everything nice.

[Gasps]

Mom and I used to make cookies together.

When she wasn't drunk, face-down on the kitchen floor.

But don't you just love raw cookie dough?

- Mm. - Cream puff.

(Gingerdead man) 'Boy, you're gonna get it.'

(Male #4) 'Hey, Butch, get your lazy ass over here.'

Alright, I'm coming.

(Polly) 'Hands off, bitch. He's mine.'

(Kelvin) 'This studio has been in my family for over 75 years.'

You know, my father is personally responsible

For 1500 horror, sci-fi, martial arts and action-adventure films.

And I plan to continue that legacy with my own brand

Of high quality genre entertainment.

We're one big, happy family.

There's not goddamn toilet paper in the shitter again.

'Dumb shit.'

I had to wipe my ass with my socks.

'I've had it with this dump and your crappy projects.'

Fuck this shithole, and fuck you, too.

'Do you hear me? I fucking hate you.'

'I hate you.'

[Sobbing]

(Kelvin) 'Keep up the good work.'

'I'll... see you on set.'

And this is the area where we house all of our talent.

Wow! Real life movie star trailers.

And not just any movie star, but Sir Ian Cauvenaugh himself.

Yeah, I-I wouldn't do that if I were you, Kelvin.

Oh. Tommy, Heather, this is Jake Jackson.

For 25 years, he's been Hollywood's premiere stuntman

And professional body double.

He lives for danger.

Hey, kid. Whatcha got under the hood of that rig there?

[Chuckling]

I was about to introduce Tommy to the star

Of our latest Tiny Terrors picture.

Yeah. Now's probably not a good time.

Why don't you guys go to the special effects trailer, huh?

I hear that they're building a giant evil pineapple.

(Kelvin) 'No, no, no.'

This is sort of a special occasion.

- I think he'd... - Look.

He's holding himself up in the trailer. He's not coming out.

Well, why not?

Because he thinks this movie is a piece of shit.

He hates the script and more importantly, he hates you.

What're you talking about, Jake?

I've known Sir Ian since I was eight.

I used to mow his lawn. We're practically family.

So, you sneaky little son of a bitch.

Sir Ian. Sir Ian!

Before you say anything, I wanna introduce you to Tommy.

Comes to us from the children's hospital

Courtesy of the End Of The Rainbow Foundation.

They wheeled him all the way here to meet you.

They wheeled him in, and they can bloody well wheel him out.

'You and I have some business to take care of, sparky.'

Now you listen to me. Eh?

You know that I'm a very busy man

With a very busy schedule.

Movies, television shows, personal appearances.

So, when the son of a dear departed friend

Of mine calls and asks me to do him a favor

'By appearing in an independent family drama'

That is precisely what I expect it to be.

Now it's revealed to me that I've to burst into

A papier mache castle

Brandishing a real and fully loaded AK-47 rifle

'Just to blow to bits a bunch of slime covered hand puppets.'

Take it easy, Sir Ian.

It's a family drama of sorts.

After all, the Tiny Terrors were all the spawn of Satan.

Not bloody likely, mate.

So, who want to tour the sound stages?

'Gotta kill, gotta kill. Where the hell am I?'

- I've had 'em done. - 'Nice pair of cup cakes.'

[Gingerdead Man smacking lips]

'Eh, move it, asshole.'

'I gotta get rid of this cookie body. I'm getting stale.'

Um, how do I transfer my soul to a new host?

What do you want me to do with these satanic spell books?

- Put them in the prop room. - Oh, right, the prop room.

Fucking prick.

Spell books? How wonderfully contrived!

[Laughing diabolically]

'Oh, yeah.'

[Screaming]

You know, Dr. Callahan...

- Damn it! - 'Oh, I can't take it anymore.'

I'm sorry, Ensign del Rio but the only way to get

This gestating creature out of your body

Is with deliberate and vigorous paddling.

(Automated recording) 'Re-initiate ass-paddle sequence.'

Thank you, sister.

[Screaming continues]

(Male #1) 'Work with us, del Rio, work with us.'

Don't you die on me, you son-of-a-bitch.

Don't you die. Let her have it.

Take it easy back there, you asshole!

- 'Cut.' - It freakin' hurts.

Okay, everybody, let's keep it moving.

We got a lot to do.

Excuse me, Mr. DeCoteau, how was that?

'Was I good?'

- Did you like what I did? - Was it good?

Did I like it?

- Was it in focus? - 'As far as I could tell.'

Kid, you were fucking brilliant.

(Gingerdead Man) 'Now, let's see.'

"Powers of invisibility." Ah, completely far fetched.

"Reanimation of dead tissue?" Ridiculous.

"Bringing dolls to life?"

Sounds like horse shit to me.

"Transmigrations. Soul to body transferring spell.

"Place a drop of blood from five separate victims

On the points of an evil pentagram."

Who writes this shit?

"After the malevolent incantation

"A final kill, a sixth victim.

"And that the body of a virgin must be claimed.

Only then will transmigration be complete."

Easy as pie.

This is gonna be a fucking cakewalk.

[Laughing]

Hey, this is the set of my big science fiction epic

"Space Spankers 2015."

Wow! That's David DeCoteau.

'His films are known for their thrills'

High concept gothic work and subtle homo-eroticism.

How's this for the "Lunar Space Walk"?

- Love it. - Okay, guys, keep movin'.

Let's bring in the remote controlled robot

For the Kung-Fu sequence?

- Kelvin, I got good news. - Great.

Sort of. I got a call from this company.

They need an office to shoot a few shots.

- So? - They can use one of ours.

I got $3,000. It's enough to stay afloat for another day.

Maybe by then, the wire will come through.

I'm saying, I can rob Peter to pay Paul

And think of another way to keep everything going for a while.

- You're a genius. - Thank you.

- What are they shooting? - Ah, does it really matter?

Three grand to shoot a movie. It's a love story.

Um, it's called "Donkey Punch Office Party".

It's a porn film. They're gonna be shooting your office.

- No pun intended. - Did they pay you cash?

- Yes. - They can have a great shoot.

I told you everything will work out. It's smooth sailing now.

[Dramatic music]

[Gingerdead Man laughing]

Now, we're cooking!

What is this? We're waiting on just you, you know?

Listen, I'm an effects schlapper, not a miracle worker.

Told you guys this thing needed to be completely rewired.

I mean, that receiver is totally shot.

'Any way you can shit-rig this to get it goin'?'

- Shit riggin' shit, right? - 'Exactly.'

I think we should move the controlling to the chest.

I'll hard wire out the ankle. We might get a better signal.

- It might work. - I'm desperate.

- Let's try it. - See what it can do.

- Great work, everybody. - Get off my set, Mary.

Mr. Cheatum, when can I see the Tiny Terrors?

It is getting late. We should take him to the little puppets.

Sure.

I can't wait to see his look when he sees 'em face-to-face.

You have really pretty eyes.

[Dramatic music]

One down, four to go. Who's next on the hit parade?

* Oh I love a parade *

* La la la la **

'Here you are.' Get your big ass back on set.'

'Don't fuck with me.'

'This ain't my first day at the rodeo.'

Nothing like a little slice of fruit cake.

[Evil laughter]

I like to say a well fed crew is a happy crew.

Can I interest you in a bottle of water or a rice cake?

Hey, I know her. You're Polly Bunderhoof.

She was the screen queen in the early '80s.

"Was" is the key word there, bright eyes.

It's nice to meet you. This is Tommy and I'm Heather.

You were in "Biker business from beyond and back."

I'm surprised you noticed me without my cattle prod.

We like to keep everyone working.

I didn't know you were an actress.

There's a lot you don't know about me, tiger.

- What happened? - What happened, happened, baby.

A botched set of implants.

A cruel sentencing on a woman who makes living off her bosom.

Well, it was certainly nice meeting you.

Where did you say those puppets were?

Can I have your autograph, Miss Bunderhoof?

And that's at no charge, you cute little billiard ball.

You take real good care of yourself, young man.

When you get hungry later, you know where Polly is.

Thanks, Ms. Bunderhoof.

(Male on speaker) 'Attention, Tiny Terrors crew members.'

'We're gonna break for another ten'

'While we try and get Sir Ian out of the streamer again.'

'I could use a little help out here, guys.'

[Sighing]

Time for a little maintenance, old girl.

(Gingerdead Man) 'Ooh, what have we here?'

[Intense music]

[Gingerdead Man cackling]

I'm getting too old for this shit.

'Ooh, fun.'

[Buzzing]

That story is partially true.

But, I was eventually acquitted of all charges.

This is Lord Astros's evil lair.

It look so much bigger on TV.

Guess the Tiny Terrors are back in the special effects shop.

(Heather) 'Wow!'

What an amazing life you have.

It must be so much fun doing this for a living.

It is. Your job is really...

This is where we're shooting a big virgin sacrifice scene

That erases the Tiny Terrors.

Kick-ass!

Seems like you really do have a fan here.

- Thanks. - Maybe two, actually.

Thanks again.

'Making movies is all I know.'

As far as I can remember

I used to watch my father run this studio.

Everyday he came to work, he had a big smile on his face.

Because he loved what he did so much.

I always knew that when I grew up, this is what I wanted to do.

Here I am.

I just love making movies.

Now, I know the movies we make here

Aren't considered art or mainstream.

But for me, it's a passion.

'And for the select crowd that wants something different'

'I got them lining up around the block.'

Love 'em or hate 'em, at my studio you're in store

For something that you can't see at any regular old movie house.

I guess we both make wishes come true.

Except for Demon Warrior 13.

I just don't see what the big deal is with me making

The kind of movies that I wanna see.

If you're gonna hate something so much

Before you can open up the package, then...

'...why bother even watching?'

I'm looking forward to see what you guys have created here.

- Really? - Really.

[Pleasant music]

[Dramatic music]

'Oh, the cougar is ready to stalk her prey.'

'Meow.'

'Hey Charlie, you seen Nick?'

No man. It's just like that asshole to fucking disappear.

[Intense music]

[Music continues]

'I should have an assistant to help me with this kind of crap.'

I shouldn't be doing this manual labor, I'm a VIP.

Sixteen hour days, no second meal.

I've had it with these losers. I'm a star.

I should never have thrown away my passion for jazz dance.

'You try to do someone a favor by working'

For less than half your rate, they don't even pay you that.

I'll be paying them to show up in this shit hole.

Well, this bitch has had enough.

'Try and be nice, and all they do'

Is turn right around and fuck you...

Right in the ass.

Ask and you shall receive.

[Moaning]

[Laughing]

[Screaming]

[Electric crackling]

[Gingerdead Man cackling]

That ought to teach you to eat raw cookie dough.

Sorry, bonehead, I need to borrow this.

[Knife creaking]

- Hey, Holmes, did you find him? - No.

But I can smell Polly's cooking her fried bologna sandwiches.

- I'll see you at the table. - Yeah.

[Laughing]

Oh, real good to hear my boy's gettin' enough

'Roughage in his diet.'

Polly.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, it is the other bathroom.

Oh, God, open the window.

I thought you and I could have a little quality time together.

Christ Almighty, my eyes are about to melt.

A lot can happen in 15 minutes.

Especially when it comes to the chemistry

'Between a man and a woman.'

Chemistry? Um, I better get back to my dressing room.

I gotta pump up for the next scene.

Oh, if anybody can help you pump up...

'...it's Ms. Polly.'

You know you want it.

'I've seen the way you've been looking at me.'

I don't remember really looking at you very much at all.

Oh, you've been lookin'.

Why don't you just surrender to this eroticism before you?

'It's synergy, baby.'

- Synergy? I... - I'm double jointed.

I just had rejuvenation surgery

'On my under carriage.'

Oh, God.

I'll introduce you to every casting director in town.

[Moaning]

Oh, this is gonna be way too easy.

[Peppy music]

- 'Kelvin.' - Yes, Marty.

- I'm sorry to interrupt. - Just finishing up my tour.

Okay, you might want a-a little, just a little...

Sir Ian is still not coming out of his trailer.

'We need him for the next scene. I could use help.'

I'll talk to him. We'll stop by on the way to see the puppets.

- 'It'll be fun.' - Puppets are fun. Let's go.

(Kelvin) 'It should be fun. Puppets.'

(Polly) 'Oh that's...

'Oh, oh, that's it.'

- 'What have we here?' - Forget the ankle.

(Polly) 'Oh, that's it, that's it.'

[Polly moaning]

- That's it, baby. - 'More, more, yeah.'

- 'That's the right spot.' - 'That's it.'

[Polly moaning]

'Oh, honey.'

- That's it. - 'Keep goin', keep goin'.'

[Gingerdead Man and Polly groaning]

Oh, you're gonna get an Oscar for this performance.

- You like that? - Oh, Ms. Polly likes it.

Oh, life is good.

That's it baby, that's it.

(Polly) 'Oh, honey! That's it.'

Oh, that's it.

'Well that's it. Oh, oh, honey, Polly likes it.'

Oh, fuck!

- You want a cookie? - Yeah.

Yeah, I wanna get a cookie right now!

- Eat your cookie. - I got your fucking cookie.

[Polly moaning]

[Dramatic music]

[Polly groaning]

[Groaning continues]

Very funny, ready for sloppy seconds.

[Nick retching]

[Gingerdead Man laughing]

My work here is done.

[Dramatic music]

Half way there. Now, where to continue the party?

'Oh, yeah.'

'Who's ready for the close up now?'

C'mon, man, get the lead out. You gotta move.

Yeah, we gotta move.

'Cause I'm giving you another 30 minutes

Before I move my fat ass out.

Sure thing, man.

I can really appreciate how tired you must be.

Cunt.

Looks like this tall drink of water wants to check out early.

I think I can assist him with that. Ha ha ha.

Sir Ian.

It's Kelvin.

Hope you had a nice rest.

'Look... I've been thinking about our conversation earlier.'

'And I'm sorry.'

'I guess I wasn't totally honest about the content of our movie.'

But, Sir Ian, you're so talented.

My crew loves you, my fans love you so much.

And I love you so very much, Sir Ian.

Heck, even the terminally ill Tommy here...

Oh, he loves you, he loves you so very much, Sir Ian.

Hi.

Know what, you're a part of motion picture history.

We look up to you.

It's an honor that you would even consider

Being a part of my project.

You know, I've idolized you since I was a little kid.

All my friends are fans.

Heck, let's face it.

Even my father idolized you when he was a kid.

[Screaming]

Oh...

Awesome.

Miserable shit-rig operation.

Kelvin could ruin two movies at the same time.

His first and his last.

'Who'd have thought I'd spend the autumn of my career'

'With my hand up a puppet's ass?'

This looks like my kind of joint.

What the hell?

Could it be, I found myself a partner in crime?

Oh, what a piece of ass!

Hey, baby. In town long?

Oh, you're making my loaf rise.

Damn, girl, you got a mug on you that only a mother could love.

Oh, playin' hard to get, huh?

'Don't you got a sweet tooth, hmm?'

I got something that'll melt in your mouth.

Hell, no! Who is that?

'Is this a staring contest?'

Spit it out, already. Cat got your tongue?

I'll ride you long and hard. Come here, baby.

'That's it, that's it.'

Oh, arch your back. Arch your back. Hold still.

Do you wanna touch it, oh, you dirty bitch.

Wanna pull your hair? You want a touch of it.

Who the hell is that?

'Let go of my fucking arm.'

'Don't you like bondage?'

Well, if you aren't gonna put out

I guess I'm gonna have to put you out.

[Screaming]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

[Laughing]

[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

Oh, my god!

Oh, have I been a bad boy?

Sorry, I can't stick around for dessert.

- 'Wow.' - That's tight.

Give me your tie.

(Kelvin) 'What the hell was that?'

[Groaning]

- 'Hold still.' - Attention, all crew members.

Everybody's released for the day. Get in your cars and go.

'Kelvin, did you just call wrap?'

Yes, just get out of here. Everyone run for you lives.

(Man on phone) 'You heard him. Shootin' us down again.'

'Everybody make a run for it.'

Just hold still, you're gonna be okay.

Okay? I had my fuckin' hand cut off, lady.

Everything's gonna be fine, just try not to bleed too much.

- I'm calling for help. - '911 emergency.'

(Heather) Please, stop moving, please, please.

We've been invaded by an evil, chainsaw-wielding

Possessed cookie monster.

- 'Shh. It's okay.' - Wait, hello, no.

Look!

- Something! - Something...

[Ominous music]

(Female #2) 'Get outta here.'

[People clamoring]

- Be careful! - What?

[Screams]

There's a dead body in there.

What is happening?

[People screaming]

[Tires screeching]

(Heather) 'Tommy.'

'Tommy?'

Hello.

[Gasps]

[Clanking]

[Music continues]

[Laughter at distance]

Tommy?

Where are you?

Is anyone here?

[Loud clanking]

What was that thing?

That was, that was one of your stupid puppets, right?

What was it?

Our puppets never looked that ridiculous.

[Evil laughter]

[Music continues]

[Laughter at distance]

This is crazy.

[Thud]

Tommy?

Stay behind me.

(Tommy) 'Help me.'

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afr...

'Help me, Heather.'

[Door creaking]

'I'm over here.'

He's in the spacesuit. C'mon, hurry.

- Wait. - 'What?'

I mean... how much time does he really have left anyway?

[Heather gasping]

[Music continues]

[Metal clanking]

Tommy?

Tommy?

[Metal clanking]

(Tommy) 'Help me!'

[Thud]

'Help!'

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tommy, you can come out now.

Tommy, don't be afraid. We're just here to...

[Screaming]

I was on my way to the car, and I get attacked by...

Shh, we know, we know, we saw it.

'Where's, uh, where's that thing from?'

I don't know.

What's, what's that I smell?

It-it smells like cinnamon extract.

- Oh, he's coming. - This can't be happening.

I-I just wanna make movies.

I didn't wanna die. I didn't wanna die.

Pull yourself together.

We gotta stay inside and hide.

I say, trying to get out now is like a death sentence.

No, don't go. That thing will tear you limb from limb.

We can escape. We're gonna be trapped here like rats, c'mon.

Jake, he's right, you gotta come with us, c'mon.

Damn you, Cheatum!

I tell you, that cookie's a killing machine!

What the hell?

[Zapping]

I told you so!

(Robot) 'Bye-bye.'

Oh, my God! I thought that thing was a prop!

So did I. It must've rewired.

Damn, those guys are really good.

Nothin' says lovin' like a headshot from the oven.

Get ready to have your biscuits burned.

- It's him. - Get down.

[Evil laughter]

[Mechanical whirring]

Hello, my little cherry pie.

You ready to have your bagel toasted, baby?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

[Mumbling]

"Demon Warrior-13?"

No, it's, it's...

Here's Tommy.

Did I say Thomas "The Terror" Goldberg.

Esteemed film critic and columnist

'For the internationally renowned horror website'

"Bloodyfissures.com."

Screen name, Demon Warrior-13.

Oh, shit!

Yeah, remember me, dickwad?

Kid who sent you countless scripts

Which were callously rejected

'And returned unopened.'

Well, we really try not to accept unsolicited mail.

[Gunshot]

Silence.

Tommy, I thought that you...

Yeah, you thought, you thought, you thought.

You didn't think too hard, did you, darling?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to fake

A terminal illness in the name of vengeance?

'You have really gotta have a passion to make your point.'

And tonight, Kelvin, I'll be making the ultimate point

'Because your studio is about to premier'

Its biggest bomb ever.

[Laughing]

'You like the bad pun?'

You should, 'cause your movies are filled with them.

'Seriously.'

I tried to warn you in all my scathing reviews

But you didn't listen.

Thomas... Mr. Terror...

I don't know if now's a good time

I'm a fan of your website.

Of course, you are. I'm brilliant.

I've read literally every single

'Screenwriting instruction manual that exists.'

I know how to make a good movie

But do you hire the people that know what they're doing? No.

'You're too busy making sequels'

'Or-or following your dreams or hiring your friends.'

'All in the name of having a good time.'

You ruined the Tiny Terrors franchise.

The new script sucks.

Everybody with a fuckin' brain in their head knows

That you-you can't kill a possessed imp with a AK-47.

You need an exorcist for anything as powerful

As a haunted dildo.

Scorsese's probably rolling in his grave at the thought

'Of you and this shit-rig operation.'

Actually, Martin Scorsese is still alive.

I said, shut up, butt-sniff!

And get ready to meet my little friend.

'It all ends tonight.'

No more cheesy props.

No more ridiculous storylines and scenarios.

'No more meandering self-righteous monologues.'

[Beeping]

When I'm done here, no one will ever have to watch

One of your movies ever, ever again.

Get ready, 'cause it's about to call final picture wrap.

Wait! You're right.

- You absolutely right. - What?

Don't do that. What you're saying is making perfect sense.

Uh, I'm a total hack.

I have no talent.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I desperately need someone like you on my team.

And sadly, you've had to go to this extreme to make me realize

'That I can't do this alone.'

- Really? - Yes, really.

Yes, you big, brilliant, cinematic genius son of a bitch!

I need someone like you.

We need you.

'Let's face it.'

Since I took over

Our movies have become total kaka.

[Beeping continues]

Well, I mean, they're not that bad.

I'm mean, I'm renting them, right?

I'm watching 'em.

I mean... obviously, there's an audience for what you're doing.

You guys have been at it for 50 years. Must be doing something.

You know what?

Right here, right now

I wanna offer you a three picture deal.

What?

Really?

Well, I've gotta say, I'm feeling awkward here.

No, no, this isn't awkward at all.

You did the right thing.

You know what, on Monday, we're going create

A whole new slate just for you.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I mean, all this time, all I've ever wanted to do

Was be in the business.

I mean, you do know I live with my mother, right?

And I operate out of her basement.

No, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

God, it feels so good to finally talk about it.

I'm down there and she's all up in my ass

With, "Get a job" and "No more piercings"

And I'm like "Please, c'mon, I'm 27."

'I don't need her telling me what to do.'

Well, you never have to hear her bitching at you ever again.

'You've arrive, Thomas Goldberg.'

Or should I say Thomas Terror?

Something tells me you're gonna be responsible

For Cheatum Studio's biggest hit!

My bad.

(Jake) Ha!

[Screaming]

Oh, my God, my fucking spine. A little help, a little help.

Oh, God. Ouch.

[Groaning]

[Thunder]

[Thomas laughing]

'You know, you two would've been so much better off'

'If you just would've let me blow you to smithereens.'

Thomas Terror, you untie us right now.

But now, you're going to die

Surrounded by your shitty little puppets

'In the final shitty scene'

Of your final shitty movie.

'Consider it payback for all the cinematic headaches'

You put me through over the years.

Maybe you should've reconsidered

The whole unsolicited mail policy.

Yeah.

By the way, I knew you were faking the whole time.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't. - I did!

Kelvin. Kelvin!

Please, you're not helping things.

Please, Tommy, don't do this. I don't wanna die.

Just, just let me go, and I promise

I won't tell anybody, I swear.

Tommy, didn't I take you to all those comic book conventions?

Remember when I got you and the other kids

Front row seats to the Shriner Circus?

'That was me, Tommy.'

Heather Crocker.

I'm a human being with feelings.

I have a sister with a hair-lip.

I didn't come in and ruin his father's movie studio.

That was him. Kill him if you want, but please, let me go.

And all this time, I thought we were bonding.

Enough, you bitches.

Ha ha. And now, before I cut out

'Your worthless, hopeful little hearts'

I will hold you captive audience

As I read an antagonizing passage

'From your own hokey-pokey spell book that I found'

In the prop room. Same spell that...

Uh, this is too good to be true.

Since the 1950's, which, by the way,

I'll be putting up for a memorabilia auction on eBay

'Just as I'm done killing you!'

[Evil laughter]

[Thunder]

I call upon the powers of earth.

I call upon the powers of fire.

[Thunder]

I call upon the powers of wind.

Alright, let's skip that part.

'Sacrificial heart removal, here it is.'

"Before the ceremony can begin the executioner must first carve

'The unholy star pentagram in the palm of his own hand."'

Ooh. Okay, you know what? Let's forget that part too.

There we go.

"Demonic torture ceremony." Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we found a keeper.

Excuse me, Mr. Terror, you're not thinking straight.

You think?

"In order to begin the ceremony, where the blood of the sacrifice

Will rejuvenate Satan's evil house."

Sounds fun, so far. First you must start with...

Unsuspecting virgin.

[Screaming]

I'll make it so you never have to watch

'Another bad movie again.'

[Evil laughter]

Wrong spot.

* I got my virgin *

Thank you, thank you so much, Mr. Gingerbread Man.

Thank you.

Ha ha ha.

That's Gingerdead Man, and thank you.

Ha ha ha.

[Animal howling]

(Gingerdead Man) 'Not sure if the guy with cut off arm bit it or not.'

I need to off one of you as an insurance policy

'To make sure I have five victims'

Which means, I've to use Ron Howard there as my new host.

Hello.

[Growling]

Oh, hell, I miss mortal flesh.

'It's hard to get your groove on while you're laying'

On some bakery shelf next to a pile of apple fritters.

You're insane.

(Gingerdead Man) 'I'll even give you a second helping.'

[Laughing]

'Now it's time for you and your leading man here'

To get your desserts.

[Ominous music]

[Thunder]

'Oh, God...

(Puppet) Let's do this shit.

Huh? What the fuck?

(Female puppet) Who's that here with us?

You're gonna get it now, baby.

The puppets, they're coming to life.

Close your eyes, Heather.

[Beeping]

Get your fucking hands off of me.

Don't you know, sweets are bad for you?

(Gingerdead Man) 'Let me go, where're you taking me?'

(Heather) 'What're they saying?'

Get outta my house.

(Puppet #2) Don't touch me.

(Gingerdead Man) 'It's stupid.'

[Music continues]

[Speaking gibberish]

Oh, please, stop that. Stop!

Uh, no! I'm too young to die.

No! No! No!

Oh, please, what a world, what a world.

Don't! No, no, don't. Ow, that hurts a lot.

(Gingerdead Man) 'No, not my tootsies, not my yummy little tootsies.'

'Ow!'

[Speaking gibberish]

[Groaning]

God, that hurts a lot.

(Heather) 'Make them stop.'

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

[Screaming]

What's happening?

You don't wanna know.

'The horror! The horror!'

[Music intensifies]

[Laughing]

- The thing, it's burning. - What?

What the hell?

What? No, no.

Didn't know you could do that to a cookie.

What? What're they doing?

[Screaming]

Stay with me, Heather. Stay with me.

Howdy-ho, you half baked, pint sized shit pickers.

Look! It's Sir Ian Cavanaugh.

It's time to send you back to hell's kitchen.

[Heather screaming]

[Dramatic music]

(Heather) 'What's happening? What they're doing?'

[Screaming]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Music continues]

[Laughing]

'I suppose that's the way the cookie crumbles, eh?'

[Cauvenaugh laughing]

Ah, Kelvin...

I guess I was wrong.

'I guess it uh, did look kind of good, uh'

'To say the least.'

[Pleasant music]

Where is everybody?

'Where's the crew?'

You did get all that, didn't you?

'Kelvin?'

Kelvin!

'You little son of a bitch.'

'I should have known better than to lure myself'

'To work with such a rank amateur.'

'You'll be hearing from my lawyer.'

'Do you hear me?'

Will you forgive me?

I'm a sucker for happy ending.

[Music continues]

(Female announcer) 'And now, the winner for

'Best horror hand puppet motion picture is'

'Kelvin Cheatum for Tiny Terrors'

'Purgatory of the Petite.'

'Book and lyrics by Kelvin Cheatum.'

[Audience cheering]

(Male narrator) So they lived happily ever after

The storyteller and his new wife.

They've remembered the dead, but more importantly, life.

And another chapter ended for the Gingerdead Man.

It seemed his story finished when their story began.

Cookies should stay inside of their jars

Not murder and kill and hijack your cars.

So follow your dreams no matter what they say.

Never listen to critics, those assholes are lame.

And warn all your children in search of a treat...

[Eerie music]

Eat all your veggies...

Because you are what you eat.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Laughing]

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* That don't mean I devise the plan *

* I'm sick I'm whack I'm a maniac *

* I'm switched out flat I'll bust a cap*

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* Your number's up meet your hatchet man *

* I'll kick I'll claw I'll bust your jaw *

* I'm meaner than a mother-in-law *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* I'm a Syrian outcast out for blood *

* Nowhere to go your name is mud *

* You're dead meat your ass is grass *

* I'm openin' up a can of whoop-ass *

*So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* I'm a hateful negative sociopath *

* I'll turn you hot you'll feel my wrath *

* I'll grind your bones to bake my bread *

* You won't come back 'cause you'll be dead *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* Run run run as fast as you can *

* I'll take you out with a frying pan *

* You're in my way I'm ready to brawl *

* I'm a walking talking wrecking ball *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* Better run and hide as fast as you can *

* I'm out for blood it's your last stand *

* Done me wrong gotta pay the price *

* Time to pay the piper time to spice *

* So run run run as fast as you can *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* So run *

* Just run *

* I said run *

* So run *

* Just run *

* Yeah **