All language subtitles for Kentucky.Ayahuasca.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Dena: They made me feel like
such a bad mom.
Steve: You're not.

You made the biggest choice
a mother could make,

and the hardest one.

You did what you knew

was best for your babies
at that time,

and you should never, ever,
ever apologize for that,

feel guilty for that,

feel any kind of shame
for that.

Ever.

Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,

but being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca
is a schedule‐I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,

but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,

and in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy
may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.

♪♪

Steve: Like I said,
keep your intentions on point.

Good job.
Good job.

♪♪

Steve: Nicholas Mutts
is my stepson.

He is our last child
in a line of 6

between me and Teri.

He's not my biological son.

He is my stepson,
but I love him like my own.

There's nothing
I don't trust Nik with,

including my brew.

We always want to make sure
our edge here is clean,

especially after doing
that much mixing.

Nik has been on a path
of being an assistant shaman

for the last five years.

He has worked with me
in the lab,

always cleaning up,
always doing the shit jobs.

There we go.

But you know what?

He showed me that
he really does want this.

Nik: I've always been
someone that wanted

to help people growing up.

Even whenever I was
in elementary and such,

I was always the kid
that tried to help anyone

and everyone
when they needed a hand.

And Steve encouraged me
whenever I was like,

"Hey, I want to do this."

And he was like, "Well,
if you really want to do it,

just keep practicing, keep
putting your effort into it."

Feel that lid.

That's what it should always
feel like. Excellent.

Now is the time
for Nik to move forward

in his own self‐development
and his own self‐progression.

He's got to be comfortable
within the medicine.

Tonight, we're going to be
introducing Nik to ayahuasca

for his first
really deep journey.

It's important for Nik to drink
so that he has an understanding

of what people
are going through,

you know, when he's helping them
through their journeys.

♪♪

Steve: Well, Nik,
it very much pleases me

to be about to give you

your first full cup
of ayahuasca.

You got to make
your own presence known

among the different
spirits and entities.

That's part of the path
to becoming a shaman.

Thank you for
the opportunity.

You a little nervous?

I would be, too.

Peace and progression.

Peace and progression.

♪♪

Good job.

♪♪

Steve: From Teri,
I feel, of course,

apprehension, you know?

You can just imagine
if that as your child

laying there motionless.

It's easy to let
your imagination run wild.

"Is he okay?

Can I reach over and hug him

and feel him like
he was in the cradle?"

And she also knows,
logically, she can't.

Right now, Nik is on
a path of independence.

[ Insects chirping ]

Nik: After having my first cup,

I could sort of feel like
a little bit of a wave going on.

Visually, things kind of
started to rock a little bit,

kind of like a blast of imagery
just flying by,

just a lot of things going on.

Like, I could feel that
I'm physically there.

I can still feel
the cot under me,

but I feel sort of weightless,
in a way,

kind of like a spider
being on its web.

♪♪

At one point,
I could have swore

I saw Steve's face kind of
just smirking at me

a little bit
from the background.

♪♪

Steve: Nik has
the heart and the spirit

and the soul to do this.

But I also know
that he's gonna have

to prove himself
worthy and responsible

because, one day,
I'm gonna have to leave Nik,

and that's why I'm willing to
invest the time it's gonna take

to make Nik a master shaman,

and to eventually give him
the reigns of the church.

♪♪

♪♪

Nathan: It's so difficult
to explain

when you wake up
from an overdose

because you know that
they've just revived you,

you know that
you [bleep] up big time.

I was like, "Damn, Nate.

Come on. Like really?
Like, again?"

♪♪

About four years ago,

I tried opiates
for the first time.

It was in the form of heroin.

That relationship ended
with that drug

about two years ago,

and that's when I started
taking Subuxone,

the medication they give you
for withdrawal symptoms.

But, you know,
with the Subuxone,

it's pretty much like putting
a Band‐Aid on a bullet wound.

You know, there's still this
huge hole underneath there

that needs to be dealt with,

and if anything, you know,
I'm not dealing with that one.

I'm, you know, continuing
to take something

that's artificially making me
content and happy.

I just want to be able
to just leave it behind

when I leave from this place

and just not go back
to it again.

♪♪

Ryan: When I first came to
Aya Quest about two years ago,

I was on my last straw.

I mean, I hit rock bottom.

I was using crystal meth,
and I had overdosed,

and I would constantly
beat myself up

and just have these
thoughts in my brain

that would just eat me alive.

I haven't done drugs
since I've done ayahuasca.

Mother Aya showed me
that I was worth more

than what I thought.

I wanted my mom to come
to Aya Quest

because she's got
a lot of her own stuff

that she needs to work on.

♪♪

[ Sighs deeply ]

I was injured at work in 2006,
and I'm in a lot of pain.

♪♪

I have steel rods in my back
and my legs don't work,

and I've almost
committed suicide

'cause of the pain.

I have a lot of intentions
for coming here ‐‐

physical healing and mentally.

I've been trying to change
myself and my issues

for years and years and years,

but I've had not much success
on my own.

♪♪

I hope this will be the answer.

♪♪

Hey.
Come on in.

‐Hey.
‐I'm Walter.

Nice to meet you,
Walter.

How you doing, dude?

Teri: Thank you all very much
for coming.

The first thing
we are going to do today is,

we will be taking
all car keys and cell phones.

If you would all like to get
your things and follow me,

we will go down,
and you will see

where you will be spending
the next few days.

You all can come on in.

‐Wow.
‐Find you a bed.

Wow‐ee.

Teri: With this group,
we have Sheila and Ryan,

we have Nathan,
and we have Dena.

I've been dealing
with depression and anxiety

for about 16 years now.

I was raped when I was 14.

It was a family member.

So, I can't trust
anybody else now.

♪♪

I'm looking to heal
from the mistrust

that I feel
from all of the things

that have happened
in the past.

[ Voice breaking ] Wow.

I didn't expect
to get this emotional.

I really didn't.
[ Inhales deeply ]

♪♪

Everybody, I'm Steve Hupp,

chief shaman of Aya Quest
Native Americas Church.

How are y'all doing tonight?

‐Good.
‐Good?

Ryan, this is like
old times here

seeing you across the chair
here from me, you know?

And who is this beautiful woman
to your left?

‐I'm his mother.
‐I couldn't have told a bit.

Let me shake your hand,
Sheila.

‐I love you.
‐I love you, too.

And thank you
for all your ‐‐

I love you really for all
you've done for my son.

Well, thank you.

Now, just to let y'all know,
the reason you had

to give up your car keys
was because

of this gentleman right here.

He changed my whole rules
when it come to car keys

'cause in the middle
of his first night journey,

he went out to get a pack
of cigarettes from his car

and drove away.
Really?

Pretty much in his underwear
and everything.

What?
And I mean, was gone.

Scared me to death, man.

Had me pacing for ‐‐
'Cause, you know,

I don't want to call
the cops on him,

but at some point,
I have to because, yeah,

you're out here
tripping and driving.

[ Laughter ]
I can't let this go.

But anyway, he made it home.

Everything worked out
for the best.
Really?

And we journeyed the second day,
and guess what?

Everything worked out,
everything went fine.

But sometimes, if you're
in a deep experience,

you can kinda get overwhelmed,
and that's what happened to him.

He had a flash,
and he just wanted to run.

He ain't the first one.

That's why we kind of keep you

all locked up and sequestered
a little bit.

♪♪

Teri: We're gonna
give you a cup,

we're going to wait
about 20 minutes,

and we're going to give you
a second cup after that

and nothing for 2 hours.

After that,
as long as you are

handling the experience
in a good way,

I will pour you more.

♪♪

Nathan: You know,
my nervousness was at its peak.

I started to feel
overwhelming anxiety,

like, "What is this
going to be like?

Is it going to take me
to a different world?

Am I going to have
a horrible time?

Like, am I going to end up
freaking out?"

Dena: I'm scared.

I'm not really 100% sure

that ayahuasca is
going to help me.

Hopefully, it brings me
an amazing experience.

Sheila: I was very nervous,

very fearful
of going on a bad trip

and not coming back.

♪♪

Steve: Ayahuasca's
a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca's a portal
to your inner self,

your subconscious.

And through that portal,
you're going to meet a goddess

we call "Mother Aya".

When your journey
first takes off,

you may feel euphoria until ‐‐

Boom! ‐‐

the spike hits,

and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges are
a physical manifestation

of an emotional release.

That's when you truly
find healing.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]
As soon as I drank,

I felt this wave of calm
just come down my body.

My parents were both, you know,

pretty involved with drugs.

They weren't suitable
to be parents,

so I actually lived
with my grandparents.

My dad spent most of
my childhood in prison.

He actually ended up dying
of a drug overdose.

So, I always told myself
growing up, like,

"I'm never, never
gonna do drugs."

My son's mother ‐‐
I met her through a friend.

We were ultimately together
for five‐and‐a‐half years.

We have one son.
Love him to death.

He's 5 now.

I had taken a couple months off
from work to watch our son.

I was there with him full‐time.

So, when I came home
and she wasn't there

and my son wasn't there,
it really made me feel horrible.

You know, it just made me feel
like I was just a babysitter.

She just packed all
of her stuff, she left,

she didn't say,
like, you know,

"I'm leaving"
or anything like that.

I just came home,
and everything was gone,

including my son.

It was really rough,
and I didn't know

how to cope with that,
and that led to severe drinking,

and then after that,
into the opiates.

When I lost my son's mom,
I remember crying,

bawling the whole night.

My grandmother, Nancy,

she sat there with me
the whole night,

and, you know, just having
somebody in that way

it's just, like ‐‐

it's ‐‐ it's just such
a beautiful thing.

Sometimes I think to myself,
you know,

for everything
that she's done, like,

I shouldn't be
feeling this sad.

And I tell her all the time,

"Don't feel bad
that I feel negative.

Like, you've...

you've already done,
like, so much."

So, yeah, that's where
we're at with that.

[ Sighs ]

Tell me about
your first O. D.

I was driving,

and I went out
while I was driving

and I crashed my car.

♪♪

♪♪

You can tell Sheila is
in a lot of pain

and a lot of discomfort.

Mother Aya can work
with physical pain,

she can work
with psychological pain,

and she can work
with spiritual pain.

The entities that she works
with and through

have a way of healing
that I really can't explain.

All I know is,
is I set the arena,

I ask Mother to come
and join us,

and I get out of the way.

♪♪

Sheila: I laid down
and asked Mother Aya

to take the pain from me
so I could relax more,

and she came right away.

She was letting me know,
"I'm here.

It's about time
you got your butt here,

and we got to get to work now."

♪♪

When Ryan was about
11 months old,

his dad's drinking got worse.

One day, he smacked him so hard

he knocked him out of the chair.

And one night, he was
really, really intoxicated

when he came in about
3:00 in the morning.

He put the pillow over my head
and raped me.

♪♪

When I opened my eyes,

Ryan was standing
at the end of the bed.

Instantly, my heart just busted
into a tiny million pieces,

that he had seen that.

♪♪

Ryan: Most of the part
that I remember from it

was him laying in bed crying
and just screaming,

talking about
he just wanted to die,

and he just jumped up
and kicked me in the chest

and this crazy, crazy shit.

I didn't leave my husband
for a long time after that.

I couldn't.
I didn't have a job or money.

But he did it again...
a few years later.

That was the day I decided
I had to leave him.

I didn't want to leave
my kids there.

They wouldn't come with me.

My heart was broken.

In my house,
we had rules and bedtime,

and they had chores.

At their dad's house,
there was none of that,

and he bought them cigarettes.

It was just a free‐for‐all.

Ryan was 17 when I left.

By this point, he was doing
drugs and drinking a lot.

Ryan: I definitely
resented my mom.

I had felt like, "Why in the
hell is she doing this to me?"

And I‐I just couldn't grasp it.

I was just, I guess,
just like, "Screw this.

I don't want no part of it."

Sheila: I have three kids,

and they're all three
drug addicts.

I have tons of guilt from that.

Guilt will [bleep] you up,

and I think the guilt and shame
are a big cause of my pain.

♪♪

Steve: Nathan is here
because he was

an opiate addict on Subuxone.

Subuxone is a drug used
to keep the dope‐sick away ‐‐

to keep the physical
withdrawal symptoms at bay,

to help the mind be
a little more clear

so they're not so focused on

"Where's my next fix
coming from?"

But it is not a cure,

and that's why you got to get
to the root of the problem.

Please have a seat there.

I chose the arena of reflection
for Nathan

because I felt Nathan had to
deal with some very deep guilt,

and we had to get him
to look at himself,

to let this pocket of shit
go out of his head

because that's what
was helping him

cling to to this addiction,

and I wanted Nathan to see that

and I wanted him
to look at himself

from many different angles
where he couldn't turn away.

Steve: For right now,
I just want you to sit there

and kind of take in all
the different reflection,

all the different
areas and angles

that's coming in for you.

Now, does addiction run
in your family or...

Nathan: Yeah, my father
passed away of a drug overdose.

Okay, what would your son be
able to say to you

to keep you working
towards sobriety?

'Cause you've been
that son.

Yeah, my son does have
a huge impact.

You know,
even at 5 years old,

very encouraging,
very loving person,

and that's why
I don't want this

to be in the picture
when he's older.

Like, even now, so I don't
want it in the picture.

When did your opiate problem
start?

So, yeah, that was
four years ago,

in October.

Tell me about
your first O. D.

I was driving,
and I crashed my car.

What about
the second time?

The second time,
I was in my house,

and my grandmother
saved my life.

She had gone to bed,
and she came out and she, like,

obviously saw that
I was on the floor

and I wasn't breathing.

So, she gave me CPR
and called the ambulance.

Wow.
She resuscitated you.

She did.
That's correct.

You harbor some guilt

where your grandmother
was concerned

that she had to resuscitate you
because I guarantee it,

that was brutal on her.
Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm sure it was hard
to watch her cry...

Yeah.

...because I'm sure
it really jacked her up.

I want you to forgive yourself
for that guilt,

because I'm sure
she has already forgiven you.

She ‐‐
She has.

But I feel from you
that you haven't quite

forgiven yourself
for that

because your demeanor
totally changed

when we went
into that event.

Mm.

For right now,
I want you to sit here

and just meditate
in the glow of these lights,

and I want you to just focus
on the person

that Nathan is
trying to become.

I want you to focus on

if Nathan could paint
the perfect Nathan,

what would that
Nathan look like?

Mm.

Steve: Nathan's body language
and demeanor told me

that his self‐esteem
is in the basement.

He couldn't stand to make
eye contact with himself.

Even his whole aura
seemed to shrink

at this one mention

of this one day
in an addict's life.

This is what must be brought
to the surface to be purged.

There's no drug to turn to.
Mother ain't going to let you.

Mother's going to hold up
this mirror and say,

"Look at yourself

and love yourself
even with all your flaws,

and that's when things will
start to get better."

The first thing I saw, I would
consider them to be demons.

Their faces were all kind of
nasty and grimacing

and had, like, gnashing teeth.

♪♪

Nik: If you could,
I'd like for you to have

a seat right here,
Miss Dena.

Steve: I would not let Nik
as my assistant shaman

every become a one‐trick pony.

He has to be well‐rounded,

and the first thing you got
to do is be patient

and learn how to communicate.

We judge nothing.

For this ceremony,
I want Nik to work with Dena

to make to make a negative sigil

for her to identify
what she needs to let go,

and that's not going
to be easy for her.

We have to do it in such a way

not to shut
this wounded soul down,

but to help
this wounded soul heal.

Steve wanted me to do
a little bit

of an exercise
with you here.

You're going to want to make
a list of things

that you don't like
personally about you.

And it can be as personal
as you want

or just simple things
that you feel

kind of hold you
back in life.

Okay.

♪♪

Dena: My very first
memory in life ‐‐

I was probably 3 or 4,
and I remember waking up

to the babysitter's son
molesting me.

I was raped when I was 14,
and I kept it to myself,

and I didn't tell anybody
for years and years.

I got really good
at internalizing things,

hiding them.

I was in an 8‐year‐long
relationship

with a man that I loved
very, very, very much,

and we were married
for four of those years.

He saved me from
a lot of heartache.

But I kept swinging
back and forth

between the depression
and the extreme happiness.

It's like I couldn't breathe.

It was a roller coaster

of happy, sad, happy, sad,
happy, sad.

And I didn't know what to do,

I didn't know how
to explain it to him.

I could tell that
he wasn't there anymore,

like emotionally and physically.

Like, he just wasn't there,
and I said as much.

And he was like, "I think
we need to get a divorce.

Like, I'm not happy anymore."

And that was it.

It hurt.

[ Voice breaking ]
It hurt a lot.

I was very suicidal.

Um...

There was a couple of times,
actually,

that I got my van
up to very high speeds,

and I was going to wreck it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

I eventually moved out
and moved in with my dad,

and I left my two boys

with their father
in North Carolina

because, honestly,
I don't feel like

I could have done the best job
at raising them.

I want my children to have

the best life
that they can have.

[ Sniffles ]

So, I'm here to make sure
that that happens.

♪♪

‐How we all doing?
‐Good.

Steve: I'm proud of each
and every one of you.

All of you have already laid
a very strong foundation

for a very powerful
experience tonight.

Tonight, the medicine's
a little stronger.

So, remember your tenets ‐‐

just is, accept and allow,
and relax.

You all get to a point

where you want more
this evening,

just like last night,
you know ‐‐

as long as you're
within reason, absolutely.

Steve: To see a mother and a son
sitting here beside me...

‐I know.
‐...this is just huge.

How do you feel this morning
when you got up?

I had a lot of pain.

It started in the night.

Hopefully, we can
adjust that tonight.

Sheila: Mother Aya was
very kind and compassionate

and loving with me last night,

and I think tonight,
shit's going to get deep,

and it's probably not
going to be pretty.

♪♪

Nathan: I drank off the brew.

I started to really almost,
like, throw it up,

and I went outside with Walter,
you know,

smoke a cigarette
before we got started.

And I think I got about halfway
through my cigarette

before the bush
in front of me

started to really,
you know, start going.

It was moving, and I sat there
to myself, and I said,

"Holy shit, we're gonna be
in for a ride tonight."

At that point in time,

I had some pretty
intense visuals.

Everything was swirling
around on top of me.

I was hearing...

The first thing I saw, I would
consider them to be demons.

There was massive
amounts of them,

and their faces were all kind of
nasty and grimacing

and had, like, gnashing teeth.

And I think that those were

all the negative things
inside of me.

I had this one scene
where I saw Subuxone.

The thing was huge, like,
I saw in my head ‐‐ gigantic.

And I saw something puncture

right through
that piece of medication.

That's when I started to,
like, see the shackles,

and I started to hear
the mantra, "This is slavery.

This is bondage.
This is not for you.

[ Echoing ] This is slavery.
This is bondage.

This is not for you."

And it was at that point
that I started

to kind of feel, like,
"Wow. Holy cow.

Just let it go.
Just let it go."

And at that point,
I really let it go.

Just let it go.

I had really just purged out
some very negative stuff.

I felt amazing.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Sheila: I went
90 miles an hour

to get him to the hospital
last time he O. D.'d.

He kept saying,
"I'm dying. I'm dying.

I'm dying."

♪♪

Steve: I got you. I got you.
Just come on down.

Sheila's here
for physical healing,

spiritual healing,
and psychological healing.

Steve: Come on in.

‐And if you would, sit ‐‐
‐Which end is my head?

Your head's right here.

We want to try to get
your head right here.

Oh, I see it.

Teri: The plan for
Sheila tonight ‐‐

we have a chakra bed
that we're going to use

to get her chakras
realigned and opened.

There you go.

Your chakras are energy points

for different aspects
of your physical body.

I hope that she gets
the spiritual healing

to release and let go,
and I hope she finds peace.

We put this focus
on the ceremony

to Mother Aya
as removing our guilt.

Okay, I'm going for it.

Because carrying that guilt
is not working for you.

See, it's not just Ryan.

I've got three
drug addict kids ‐‐

all three of my kids.

Not just me,

but other people always put it
on the mother.

"Well, if you would've
whipped them more,

if you would've..."

Were you there?
Yes, you were.

Was it all on you?
No, it was not.

There was a whole synergy
of things.

One, you were in
a toxic relationship

with a person
of predatory instincts

and predatory desires.

That wasn't
your fault either.

You got children
who are alive

because you got them there
in a [bleep]‐up situation.

I went 90 miles an hour
to get him

to the hospital
last time he O. D.'d.

I was afraid...
very afraid.

But he kept saying,
"I'm dying.

I'm dying.
I'm dying."

And...

[Voice breaking] telling me
how sorry he was...

Okay.
...for making my life
miserable

and putting me
through Hell.

I just kept punching him,
saying, "Don't die.

Don't die.
You got those little girls."

♪♪

What I want you to do,
sweetie...

as you're laying there,
for your sacral chakra,

I know you went
through some abuse,

and I want you to focus
on letting that go

and letting Mother Aya
heal the wounds from that.

That should not be
a part of who you are.

You still have
three children.

You have beautiful
grandbabies.

So, what I want you
to focus on also ‐‐

being healthy

and letting Mother Aya
heal the wounds.

Don't be afraid to speak
about your guilt,

your fears, your hopes.

Don't be afraid to offer that
motherly advice that you have.

Don't be afraid to issue
that ass‐chewing, neither.

All the guilt
and all the self‐hatred

and all the self‐loathing
in the world

ain't going to change one minute
of that past.

But letting go
of all that shit

could definitely change
every minute of your future.

Mm.

I'm all for that.

Now, Sheila,
we'd like you to sit here

and just be at peace,
meditate...

Okay.
...kind of take in all

the energy
coming to you.

Like that.

♪♪

Sheila: I felt
the ayahuasca hit me,

and all of a sudden...

I left my body.

I saw these different shapes
and patterns.

A lot of little moving
parts and gears,

and then I would hear
a woman's laughter.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

I was...
the universe.

♪♪

And then I felt my face.

I was feeling around, like,
"Whose body is this?"

It wasn't mine,

and I had no pain

for the first time since 2006.

I got the urge to touch my toes,

which I'm incapable of doing

'cause I have steel rods
in my back,

and a little piece of me
was like, "Really?

You think you're going
to touch your toes?"

And I bent completely in half,

and I didn't just touch my toes,

I, like, stayed there.

I was just thanking Mother Aya
constantly.

She took away the blockage

that I have to healing myself
in that moment.

[ Whispering ] I can sit,
like, Indian‐style.

♪♪

When I split up
with my kids' dad,

my oldest son was
big enough to decide

where he wanted to stay,

[Voice breaking] and he wanted
to stay with his daddy.

And it broke my heart.

♪♪

Steve: Dena is here
because she has lost ‐‐

How would you say? ‐‐
trust in her own instincts.

Tonight, we're going to talk
about some real painful stuff.

I want the tears of her pain
to be on that sigil.

Steve: Come on up.
Come on up.

That's what we're gonna use
to energize this sigil

before she lays it in the fire
and watches it disintegrate.

♪♪

I had instructed Nik today
to have you prepare

a negative sigil ‐‐
some of the things you wish

to remove from yourself
if you could.

Could you kind of explain
a little bit

about what you
put together here

before we set it off
to the fire?

This one is anxiety...
Okay.

...and fear
and indecision.

Okay.

It takes me a long time
to make decisions anymore.

I've made so many
bad decisions

that I'm absolutely
terrified, you know?

The consequences
of a bad decision

are so, so much
heavier now.

Which adds
to your anxiety...

Yeah.
...which feeds this whole

circle of shit?
‐Mm‐hmm.

‐Which is based on fear.
‐Mm‐hmm.

If you're scared to act
and you're scared to bust a move

because all the decisions seem
so big and so large

and that each one
is life and death

and all the above,
where do you enjoy your life?

Exactly.

Can I ask you where
your bad decisions started?

[ Voice breaking ]
I gave my ex‐husband

custody of my babies.

♪♪

He's much more stable
than I am.

The swinging between
the depression and anxiety,

it's not healthy
for children,

and they needed to have

the best opportunity
that they could have,

and I wanted to make sure
that they did.

So, I decided that
he was the best option.

And [Sniffles] so many people
judge me for it.

Teri: They're not
in your shoes.

So, you made a beautiful choice
in a time of instability

not to drag your kids
through that muck.

You sacrificed yourself
for that,

and you let your tears
flow on that sigil

because we're gonna
turn that loose

to the universe, as well.

They made me feel
like such a bad mom.

You're not.

You made the biggest choice
a mother could make,

and the hardest one.

You're working on you
right now,

and when you get
yourself right,

then you're going to be
right with them kids

and you're going to be
right with him.

Regardless of how
it made you feel,

regardless of how
it made you hurt,

regardless of what everybody
else was saying to you,

never, ever, ever
apologize for that,

feel guilty for that,

feel any kind of shame
for that.

Ever.

I really needed
to hear that.

I don't even celebrate
Mother's Day.

‐You will from now on.
‐Yes, you will.

Now I would like you
to take that sigil.

I want you to think
about it ‐‐

everything
we've talked about.

[ Sighs ]

Now let that shit go
in that fire.

♪♪

[ Sniffles ]

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Teri: I think at that moment,
it just really dawned on her

that she had made
the right decision,

and for her to realize

that I think was a very
powerful moment of healing.

And I wanted her to know
I do understand that feeling,

and I think instead
of being condemned for it,

she should be congratulated
for it,

because that took strength
that a lot of people don't have.

Teri: When I split up
with my kids' dad,

my oldest son was
big enough to decide

where he wanted to stay,

and he wanted to stay
with his daddy.

[ Voice breaking ]
And it broke my heart.

♪♪

But I let him do it
'cause it's what he wanted.

I know what that
feels like.

So, don't you ever,
ever let them people

tell you ever...
that you did something wrong

'cause you didn't.

With ayahuasca
running through me,

I was getting
a very relaxed sensation.

When I closed my eyes,

I immediately saw
what looked like space,

like stars and galaxies
and bright colors

whizzing by really quickly.

And I saw a woman,
and she was beautiful.

And as soon as she made
eye contact with me,

she disappeared.

And then I saw
ribbons of color

and, like, every color
in the rainbow.

It was beautiful.

I felt a lot of love.

There was a lot of...
"ahh" feeling to it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

It was nice.

♪♪

♪♪

Nathan: Ayahuasca was
definitely worth it for me.

I woke up in the morning,
and I felt great.

I didn't really feel the need
to put anything in my system.

I had felt like
I had really released

some very, very
negative energy ‐‐

I guess is the best word
to say it ‐‐

through the purge.

Sheila: I feel great today.

Some people say that ayahuasca
is a drug.

It is not a drug.

It's a medicine.

It's an antidote
that the universe uses

to help you overcome

your personal issues.

How are we doing,
Sheila?

Good.
[ Chuckles ]

Really,
really good.

I started walking down
to the van

to get my clothes,
and I thought,

"I wonder if I can run?"

And I ran.

Then I ran up the hill.

How long has it been
since you done those things?

Oh, I can't remember
the last time I ran.

Everything went so good
with last night,

and she seems to be doing
so amazing ‐‐

not feeling any pain,

and I think that in itself
is a true gift.

I mean, it's just
an amazing medicine.

It really is.

Mother Aya has worked a miracle
with you.

I think I got a new
lease on life,

and I'm gonna
go with it,

and I get to hang out with him
some more.

And I'm envious of you,
and I'll tell you why.

I never had a relationship
like this with my mother.

Mm.

Never.

And I regret it.

♪♪

Sheila: I've told Steve
and Teri many times,

"I am eternally grateful for you

and for what you're doing
in the last few years

since Ryan did the ceremony."

When I see him playing
with his kids,

I have this gratitude
for Steve and Teri

that he's here,

because I don't think
he would be here

if it wasn't for them
and Mother Aya.

♪♪

Dena: I like it here.
I like this house.

Ryan: Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful.

It is.

It is definitely that.

Dena: The biggest lesson
that I've taken away

from this journey is,

I'm not as bad a mother
as I thought I was.

[ Voice breaking ]
That's huge for me.

And I can't wait to see
their little faces

and squish them
and give them kisses all over.

I love you guys so much.

Steve: Hello, hello.

I look around at the people that
I see gathered here before me,

and I see completely
different people

that walked
through that door.

Each of you are gonna
have to go through

some trials
and tribulations.

Some of that old
thought patterns

will creep in.

It's called life.

Now you have the awareness
to catch it

before it becomes a tidal wave,

because it's much easier
while it's a small trickle

than to allow it
to gain momentum.

Ayahuasca for me...
[ Chuckles ]

It's hard to put it
into words, really,

but love.

"Love" would be
the best word for it.

I've died twice,
I've been beat up,

dragged through Hell and back,

and it's helped me immensely.

And if it can do that for me,

then it [Voice breaking] could
do it for a lot of people.

♪♪

Steve: Thank you all so much.
Thank you.

Nik: In the future, I do hope
to become a full‐fledged shaman

because I just simply
feel like this

is something that can really
be helpful for people.

Safe travels,
everybody.

It's really nice watching people
just kind of change

from the day they walk in
to the day that they walk out,

kind of like watching
a caterpillar

turn into a butterfly.

♪♪

Sheila: When I came
to Aya Quest,

I was in a lot of pain

and I struggled to get
up the hill with my walker.

Now I've ran up
and down the hill,

and that's a miracle.

Great doesn't even come close
to how I feel.

"Magnanimous"
or some big word.

Nathan: Leaving here,
I really do feel lighter.

I'm really grateful
for this experience

because it showed me
a lot of things that, you know,

I otherwise wouldn't have
noticed about myself,

and I'm just excited
to get back home

and really see where
the rubber hits the road ‐‐

really put my nose
to the grindstone.

Steve: Many people get
caught up in the idea

that they went through
the worst of anybody.

And I got news for you ‐‐
most of the people I've met,

they ain't went through
the worst of anything ‐‐

that they went
through their worst.

You know, that's why
I'm so open with my story.

It ain't such that I, you know,

want to be a Billy Badass
bank robber.

I want to let people know

"I'm the biggest [bleep]‐up
at this table, not you.

And if I got here...

you can, too."

♪♪

♪♪

Three months after ayahuasca,
I feel much better.

I've gotten engaged.

I'm feeling really good
three months later.

♪♪

I actually had
an amazing experience.

I had zero pain.

The ceremony gave me
so much hope

that I know it can go away,

that I can be healed.

♪♪

♪♪

As far as the medication goes,
I've been able to get myself

on a much lower
and more manageable dose.

Living in the moment
is definitely

a huge thing, you know?

Not worrying too much about
the past is just something

that I really struggled
for the longest time

to, you know, being able to do.

So, you know, again,
so grateful for the experience.