Original subtitles

- Hello?

Jamie!

Jamie, I'm down here!

Jamie, get away from her, she's a fucking psycho!

Jamie!

- How is it?

- Delicious.

Thanks, mate.

- Mate?

We're not plumbers, Jamie.

- Right, yeah.

Sorry.

- Thinking about she-who-must-not-be-named again?

- No, no, no.

Well, a bit.

I haven't heard from her.

- We've been through this, Jamie.

You need to forget about Fran and move on.

I know it's tough but she certainly has.

Off to Japan without so much as a peep

to her so-called best friend.

But you've got me now, and I'm not going anywhere.

Hope you've left some from for the kedgeree.

Oh, Franny.

You're awake.

I'm so glad.

- What the hell is going on, Kat?

What the fuck do you want?

- Oh, sounds like somebody's hungry.

Seeing as you won't be going to Japan anymore,

I thought I might bring a bit of Japan to you.

You might regret that when you see what

you'll be eating from now on.

Well .

- Jamie, help!

I'm down here!

- Jamie, please help!

Oh no, this place is totally soundproofed.

I could skin you alive and Jamie wouldn't hear a squeak.

- If this is a weird sex thing,

I need you to know I'm actually pretty vanilla, you know?

I'm a glass of pinot and three minutes of disappointment

kind of a girl.

If you want more than that you're gonna have

to just kill me now.

- Don't be silly, Fran.

If I killed you you wouldn't be able to watch.

- Watch what?

- Jamie, of course.

Oh, lovely Jamie happily going about her life with me.

Her new best friend.

Now it's your turn to be cast aside helpless

while she forgets you even exist.

You're gonna spend the rest of your miserable life

learning just how crazy that can make you feel.

- You did all of this because Jamie

became my friend at school?

Have you ever thought about therapy or,

I don't know, taking up a flute or something?

- I don't know.

Knock down some flats, offer Jamie a place to live,

drive a wedge between you two.

It was almost disappointingly easy, to be honest.

- But you've not been very thorough, have you?

Because news flash, nut bag, your new best friend

is a contract killer.

And so am I.

- Well your boss is going to come looking

for you, isn't he?

- Yeah.

- But do you think if I could talk to Mr. V, maybe it might-

- No, he's not gonna be very interested in t...

How did you know his name was Mr. V?

- His name?

- You know that new client who keeps giving us

these amazing jobs?

- Mr. V?

- Holy shit.

- That look on your face, Fran.

Do you mind if I smoke?

But it's not easy tracking down trained killers,

it took me years, but then I...

Then I engineered a perfect excuse to bump into you.

- Class of '89 reunion!

- I'm head of the organising committee.

Control freak alert.

- And set myself up as Mr. V.

pulling contracts off the dark web.

It really is amazing what you find on there,

and then giving them to my two new clients.

There was something so fucking delicious

about knowing where you were, who you were with,

who you were killing.

Pulling all the strings between you.

- And there is a little sofa emoji

hurdling its way down the M6.

- And without Mr. V how could I execute my master stroke?

- We've got sent another job.

- The Japan job.

- I'm embarrassed to show you the salary, but...

- What better way to pander to your pathetic ego?

Pull your friendship apart.

- I think you should go, Fran.

- Make Jamie believe that you'd fallen off the map forever.

Maybe it would've been easier to take up the flute,

but why play an instrument when you can play the orchestra?

- Fucking psycho.

You fuck, fucking psycho, you psycho bitch!

Get away, bitch!

- Temper temper.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

I thought you might need something

to help you through this difficult time.

- Hello and welcome to "It's All About You"

with me, Kat Gateskill.

Chapter one, destiny is

a three letter word. - I only smoke after sex.

- Y-O-U.

Are you ready to live a new life

for the- - You just got fucked.

- Are you ready to live a life

filled with adventure and new horizons?

Are you ready to break free and start really enjoying life?

I've never been to Fiji, but I'd like to go there one day.

They say that no man is an island.

That's true, I'm not an island,

I'm a continent and so are you.

I sincerely hope that completing this

12 hour introduction course - Yes, yes.

Is just a first step

on an exciting new journey.

- Well you've locked me in a basement, so I doubt it!

- But for now, have a good afternoon.

And remember, you deserve it.

- Oh, thank god.

- Hello and welcome to- - No, no shut up!

Shut up, shut up!

Right, what have I got? - Are you ready to live

a life filled with adventure. - Great, dog food.

- And new horizons. - Oh god, not even Iams,

the stingy cow.

Right, this is 40% beef, meaty chunks,

guaranteed glossy coats.

Now I'm in.

I mean, how bad can it be?

- And the potential of you

for the beginning of living openly and courageously

in your own personal universe.

- Right, you're not responding to my messages,

but you will not be able to resist singing along to

our karaoke song.

I'll be Danny and the boys, obvs.

? Summer lovin', had me a blast ?

? Lo-lovin' happened so fast ?

? I met a girl crazy for me ?

? Met a boy cute as can be ?

? Summer days drifting away ?

? To uh, oh those summer nights ?

? Oh well, oh well, oh well oh ?

- The only person stopping you

from going out there and getting everything you want,

everything you deserve.

All it takes for you to break free-

- Yes, yes! - Is the believe that

you can break free. - Come on!

Repeat after me.

I have trapped myself, I have trapped myself,

I have trapped myself.

I can free myself.

Come on, say it with me.

I can free myself, I can free myself.

Do you ever get that feeling like you're trapped?

In your own-

Well, me too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own success.

? Those summer nights ?

- Okay, I was a little bit off on that key change,

so you will have to adjust your line accordingly.

But, seriously mate, though,

will you let me know that you're okay?

I miss you.

- I believe it was the late

great Walt Disney who once said "If you can dream it,

you can do it." - That's my phone.

Yes, Jamie, go in, go in, go in, get it, get it!

Jamie, Jamie, behind you!

- Jamie?

- Oh, Kat, you scared me.

Why have you got a gun?

- Two women on their own out in the countryside,

a big house like this.

Can't be too careful.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep.

I was just thinking about checking the windows

were shut because I didn't want your office

to fill with bats.

- Oh.

- Night.

- You're exploring the world.

You're climbing every mountain and swimming every sea.

Get that feeling like you're trapped.

- Right, what's for dessert?

Mutton, beef, baked beans?

- I can relate.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own success.

- You utter bitch! - Anger is not your friend.

- Bitch!

- Oh, morning.

Get back to sleep okay?

Going somewhere?

- Sorry, Kat, I need to go and check that Fran's okay.

- Oh, Jamie, how many times?

She's on the other side of the world.

- Yeah, I think there's something seriously wrong.

- Fran doesn't want you to contact her ever again.

She was very explicit about that.

- I don't remember telling you that.

- No, I just mean her soft launch, the way she behaved.

She was basically saying "Fuck you".

- Kat, listen, I just feel that something's not right.

And I know Fran messed up, but whatever happens

she'll always be my best friend.

And if I think she

might be in trouble. - Fran, Fran, Fran, Fran.

Why do I have to keep hearing about fucking Fran?

She's gone, you idiot!

- Oh my god, Kat.

- Oh.

- Kat, you're bleeding.

- Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry, you're right.

If you're worried about your friend,

you should go and check on her.

- Thanks, Kat.

- Maybe I could make you something yummy before you go.

Don't want to send you off with an empty stomach.

- Okay, a quick snack

and then I've gotta go.

- Okay.

Well, you set the table and I'll throw something together.

- There's only the absence of success.

And you can try this exercise anywhere; in bed,

at a picnic with friends.

Just take a deep breath

and say I am in control. - The fuck is that?

Oh, my God.

Jamie, don't eat anything she gives you.

Jamie, Jamie! - Everything else

is welcome to be forgiven.

- Oh come on, think. - Climbing every mountain

and swimming every sea. - Think, think, think.

- The best part?

You're only just getting started.

Let me ask you a question.

Can someone else suffer for you?

Can someone else feel pleasure for you?

How about, can someone achieve your goals for you?

- Hope you're hungry!

- Oh.

Smells great.

- Jamie, you've forgotten my spoon.

Honestly, if your head wasn't screwed on.

- That's the day you start living

your life for you.

- Here we go, yes!

- Ah.

- I want you to promise me

that you'll never say the words

"It was somebody else's fault" ever again.

If you're not happy with your situation,

it's nobody's fault but-

- What's that?

- Oh, don't worry, I think I know what's happened.

You wait here.

Where are you, Fran?

- Oh my...

- I sincerely hope that completing

this 12 hour introductory course is just

the first step on an exciting- - Oh fuck, fuck.

- But for now, it's goodbye from me.

Kat Gateskill.

With love, hugs, and bucket loads of positivity.

You deserve it. - Okay, you wanna play,

I'll fucking play.

Jamie?

Jamie!

Oh, there you are.

We have to go now, I think there might be an intruder.

- What are you doing with this?

- Have you been going through my office?

I can't believe you'd abuse my trust.

- What have you done with Fran

and what are you doing with that shotgun?

- I'll explain that later, but now we have to go.

Why can't you just do what you're fucking told for once?

You were my best friend first.

She was just a new girl.

- Are you ready to break free

and start really enjoying life?

Here's a secret: you-

- Jamie!

- Shit.

- I want to open your mind,

just like you've opened this book.

For an account on my website,

look at the other side of this book.

- Shit.

- Jamie.

I just want to talk.

Jamie.

I know we can work this out,

I just want what's best for you.

- Jamie.

Jamie.

- Jamie.

Come on.

Jamie?

- You're here!

- Yes, I am.

I've been here the whole time.

- What? In the maze?

- No.

No, she locked me in the basement after the soft launch.

- Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry.

You were totally right.

- Yeah. - She's insane.

She's trying to kill me.

- Listen, she had the house hooked up with cameras

and I saw everything.

- Were you watching me on the toilet?

- Why would your mind go there first?

- Okay, but were you though?

- No.

Really good to see you.

- Oh, you too, mate.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Let's get outta here.

- Well isn't this perfect?

Fran getting between me and Jamie yet again.

- You've only got one shot left.

- Don't worry, this thing can rip through a car door.

One shot's enough for the pair of you.

Why couldn't you just be my friend, Jamie?

That's all I wanted.

I became a multimillionaire, I put you up in a palace,

I got my teeth fixed.

And still, you're choosing her over me.

- That's not exactly how friendship works though, is it?

- People fucking died so we could be together.

- Wait, what?

- Oh, I'll tell you later.

- Wait, Kat.

We can still be friends, we can all three be friends.

I mean, three is a great number for friendship.

The Three Amigos.

Harry, Hermione, Ron, the Sugarbabes.

I know there were a lot of lineups,

but at base always just the three.

- Wow.

You really mean that, Jamie?

The three of us?

- Definitely.

- Sorry, Jamie, but three's a crowd.

- She poisoned the food, I knew it.

- No, she poisoned your food.

I saw her do it.

- I switched the bowls.

- I'm sorry.

- A bit late for that.

- I know she's trying to kill us,

but is it weird that I actually feel kind of bad for her?

I mean, her last words were "I'm sorry".

- I'm sorry I didn't kill you both.

- Jesus!

- Still feeling sorry for her?

- Not at all, no.

- No, shall we?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Come on. - Come on.

- Let's go.

- So, just to recap...

- How many more times?

I did not see you take a dump.

- Oh god, oh.

Hang on, it's this way. - No, no, no, it's not.

This is way.

I'm sure. - Oh no, come this way.

- Oh, okay. - No, trust me, trust me.

- Okay.

No, it's just it would kinda change the dynamic of things.

- What, the dynamic of who's seen who do a poo?

- Yeah, I mean basically to even things up

I'd have to then view you doing a poo.

- Well if we don't get out of here soon

that's gonna become a reality.

- Oh, that's it. - Okay, this is the exit.

Oh. - Oh, for God's sake.

? Summer lovin' had me a blast ?

? Summer lovin' happened so fast ?

? I met a girl crazy for me ?

? Met a boy cute as can be ?

? Summer days drifting away ?

? To uh, oh those summer nights ?

? Oh well, oh well, oh well oh, uh ?

? Tell me more, tell me more ?

? Did you get very far ?

? Tell me more, tell me more ?

? But does he have a car? ?

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