Original subtitles

- Jamie?

Konnichiwa, where is the canal?

Come on. ? My regret ?

- Are you done braiding each other's hair or whatever?

We've got a job to do, come on.

? It makes me ?

- Ah, what else?

Um, a tarpaulin, some rope and a meat saw, please.

This is ridiculous.

? Happened on the safe side ?

- Franny.

- Jamie ready?

- Ooh.

- Sorry, I overslept.

A bit of a bender last night.

Kat had a speaking engagement, so.

- And I wanted to say thank you to my bestie

for helping me, so we had a few drinky-poos.

- Yes, I can smell all of them.

- Yeah, it did get a bit Keith Richards.

- Don't look at me.

I wasn't the one who gate crashed a hen party.

- Gosh, that's strong for a school night.

- I mean, they needed me.

The maid of honour was doing her best, but-

- Yeah, she was no Captain Party.

Go on, do the voice.

- Ah-har, me party hearties.

- Oh, mm.

- Ah, looks like we weren't the only one

who had a big night last night, Franny.

- Didn't leave the house, Katty.

- Seriously? Wow.

So empowered to just not give a shit what you look like.

Love that.

- Did these scarves come as a sort of bargain 2 for 1?

- No, this is just another little thank you from me.

- This is 100% silk, designer scarf, Fran.

- Mm.

Can you still call it a scarf if it's so thin

it doesn't actually keep you warm?

I was just wondering.

- Franny, would you mind taking a quick snap

of the survivors for us?

- Oh yes. - Ooh.

- Come on, ready? One, two-

There you go.

- Thank you.

- We should probably go. We're a bit late.

Very important security training course, you know.

That's proper work, proper, no drinky-poos there.

- Me too.

I have got a meeting with my publisher about my new book.

Um, everyone's still buying the shit out of the old one.

Chill out.

So this will be the longest we've been away

from each other in weeks.

Do you really have to go away for the whole weekend?

- I'm afraid it's just how long the course lasts.

- I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you, too.

- All right, I'm gonna go, and I'll be in the van.

- You'll talk to her, yeah, about what we discussed.

- Yeah, I'll try mighty good.

- Best you do it sooner rather than later.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay?

Unless you've changed your mind, Jamie.

You can be honest with me.

If this isn't what you want...

- No, no, no. No, no.

No, it definitely is.

I'll tell her today, I promise.

- You have so much courage inside of you

and we're just starting to unlock it together.

- Oh, Fran, why'd you have to park all the way over there?

- All right, straight to A&E

or should we do the job first?

- Jamie!

Ah-har.

- Ah-har.

Oh, dear.

- Right, milking it now.

- Oh, my head.

Sorry about the hangy, mate.

I know it's unprofessional.

- No, it's absolutely fine, mate.

- Really? I thought you'd be cross.

- What, me?

I'm super chill, well, you know.

It's an easy job today, anyway.

We'll just have fun, hanging out,

mates being mates and all that,

just a couple of A-grade assassins literally slaying.

Oh, that's an 80% proof sigh, that one.

You sure you're okay to do this hit?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm a professional.

So who are we slaying today?

- Oh, it's easy, this one.

Big crime boss, organ harvester.

- Ugh.

- Can you imagine removing somebody's eyeballs?

I mean, what would you do?

Would you take them out with spoon?

Or would you go for a sort of sucking technique ?

Big straw? - No, Fran, no.

- Oh, what about guts?

Slippery, like a wet rope-

- Okay. - That goes on forever.

- Okay, you can stop now. - Liver.

That's not nice, a couple of kidneys,

pop them out, your giblets.

Do humans have giblets?

Excellent.

Right over the freshly raked gravel.

Ready whenever you are, Captain.

You see, this is why I don't go to hen parties.

Or parties. Or out, ever.

I'm a teetotal killing machine,

like the Terminator or Saudi Arabia.

- I think I got it all up now.

- Well, listen, give me a hand with Methven,

we'll take you to a nice, warm travel lodge,

get a nice watery Masala down you,

some hair of the dog.

- Nothing to get out.

- Do you know what?

I'm really glad that you and Kat had a chance

to just, you know, hang out before we leave for Japan.

- Ooh, yeah, definitely.

- Oh, talking of which, Mr. V's got the flight itineraries

all sorted, so you need to sort that visa out.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I will, definitely.

- Good.

Good. All right.

Come on, give me a hand.

Okay.

I don't wanna stay in here too long.

I'd lose a kidney.

- That'd be awful.

- Oh, she's back in the room.

Do you know what?

We could never be organ harvesters.

- Why? - It takes guts.

- Oh! She's good.

I would applaud, obviously,

but I'm handling a dead body.

- Yeah.

- Now, where we gonna hide him?

- Good question.

I've no idea.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, they've got nice coffins, actually.

It's a bit of a waste that they go in the ground, isn't it?

? I got a feeling and the feeling is all right ?

? It's a funny thing ?

? When it comes to you ?

- Call the lawyers.

Got sent pictures from last night.

Oh, dear.

Oh my God, I don't remember the stripper joining us

for karaoke.

Okay, mate, we were doing shots off the stripper's abs.

- Yeah.

I'm just driving.

- No, look, this is the best photo, look.

Straws shaped like willies.

Mad, right?

- Do you get any work done,

or is it just cock straws and carnage?

- Yeah, we did work, but it didn't feel like work,

'cause it was just so much fun.

It was really cool to meet some new people

and then not have to kill them.

- Hang on.

Holy shit, that's a hearse.

- Wait, is that Methven and son following us?

- Well, Methven's dead, mate.

- So that's and son.

God, he's gonna come get our kidneys.

- Yeah, just calm down.

It's probably just a coincidence.

It's just another undertaker.

- Well, okay, let's just slow down a bit

and see if they overtake.

- I don't think this undertaker is gonna overtake.

He is following us.

? We live in a windswept hell ?

? Where dust and death are neighbours ?

? We hide in a perfect storm ?

? Not even God remembers ? - What's he doing?

Drive. Drive.

Drive, Fran, Drive.

Go, go, go. - Yeah, I'm going,

going, going!

He's right behind us.

That is not a respectable speed for a hearse.

No, that is too close.

- He looks kinda upset,

almost like we killed his dad or something.

Oh God.

- I'm skipping from 3rd to 5th gears.

? I don't care, care, care if it's old ?

? I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind ?

? I don't mind, mind ? - Bloody hell.

? Get away, get away, get away ?

? Get away, get away, get away ?

- Shit!

Fork, fork! - Fork acknowledged.

Fork acknowledged.

Evasive right.

? She said ? - Ooh, nice turn.

- Yes, off you piss and son.

Off you piss.

- Do you think we lost him?

- Looks like it.

- Wow, that adrenaline's really cut through my hangover.

- Do you know what I feel like right now?

Pork jalfrezi.

- Okay, definitely hasn't.

Oh my God, look.

- God, it's him, it's him.

- Go down there, left, left, left.

- Thank you, left hand maneuver.

- No, don't worry. I don't think he saw us.

Okay, he's gone, he's gone.

Dead end.

- Yep, dead end acknowledged.

- Yeah, go in here, go in here.

Okay, yeah, that's great.

- Hang on, hang on, he's here.

- Okay, go, go, go, go, go.

- Where?

- Oh, shit, I'm the driver.

Pop it in reverse. Reversing.

Bollocks.

Ugh. - Let's get the spare.

- Okay. - Oh.

- All right, mate.

- Okay.

Nick it, Jamie.

Get out!

- Should we be going back to the van?

What if he's still there?

- Well, have you got a better idea?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, balls, this is dead.

Can I borrow yours?

- No, just, I've gotta reply to this before it dies.

- Jamie.

Jamie.

- Yeah, just sending it.

- Jamie. - Yeah.

Wait. He's still there.

Oh, shit.

Right, okay.

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

Obviously, he's left his keys, so he can't be far.

He's obviously looking for us.

Get in. - What?

- Get in the hearse, quick.

- You're so good at this, Fran.

I mean, you're really made for this job.

- Yeah, thanks, mate.

I think we make a good team.

- Mm.

- Can you just not?

I'm gonna confiscate that, all right?

What could be so important that she needs

to be in contact with you every second of the day?

- Well, actually, it is quite important

because Kat's offered me a job.

- Doing what?

- Well, she wants me to be her right hand woman.

- Right hand woman?

I mean, that's not a job title, is it?

That's not something you can put on a CV.

I mean, right hand woman.

It's not really a thing, is it, Jamie?

- Well, it is a thing, and I'm going to take it,

and I'm sorry you feel that way.

- What way?

I'm not sure about the logistics

of this thing, to be honest.

I mean, how is being Kat's right hand woman

gonna fit with everything we've got on?

I mean, we've got Japan and I mean,

you've got a lot of commitments.

- Well, Kat wants me to start straightaway, so.

- I don't think you've thought this through.

I mean, unless it's something you can do remotely,

but the time difference, it's-

- No, Fran, the job with Kat would be

instead of going to Japan with you.

- Whoa, hold on.

What?

- I'm not coming to Japan.

And I'm sorry you feel that way.

- Will you stop saying, "And I'm sorry you feel that way"?

It's not even a real apology, apart from everything else.

- You don't really need me anyway.

I'm sure Mr. V would just find a replacement.

- Just a temporary break, though, eh?

- Kat said I should follow my bliss.

- Follow your bliss? - Yes.

- You sound like a shit scatter cushion.

I'm sorry, Kat's pushed you into this.

I was gonna hold my tongue, keep my peace,

but no, she's brainwashing you.

She's a psycho and she's trying to steal you away from me.

- What are you talking about?

She's actually a really good friend.

- Something's going on.

I mean, why else would you let somebody

live in your place rent-free or make them packed lunches

with wee, little notes and sayings

and give you pocket money?

- It's not pocket money. It's expenses.

- No, you are her golden retriever.

Mm-hmm.

She's made you beholden to her so that you have to do

everything she wants.

Oh God, why else would you have got the job?

- Because she likes me, because I'm useful to her.

I know it's hard for you to conceive

that I might be able to do something

that you haven't instructed me to do.

- I haven't been instructing you, Jamie.

I've been helping you.

And to be honest, most of the time,

you're an active hindrance.

- Wow.

Kat said you'd react like that.

- Oh, Kat's poison.

She's just got in your ears.

Just when we finally got to do what you wanted to do.

- No, what you wanted to do.

Maybe I want something different.

Maybe I want to not do the same job

that I've been doing for, well, ever.

Maybe I want to explore things.

Maybe I want to expand my horizons.

- We're going to the Land of the Rising Sun, Jamie.

How much more horizons do you want?

We were going up

in the world, we were literally going far.

Nailing assassinhood.

Jamie.

- Is this heaven? - I think,

traditionally, heaven's a lot brighter

and less cramped than this, mate.

- Can I have my phone back,

or is it still confiscated? - It's in my back pocket.

Oh, for heaven's sake, no, that's my front bottom.

That's, yep, oh- - Oh, yep.

- Just a bit pinchy. Hang on, just-

- Got it. Got it, got it.

Oh, 17 messages.

Well, I hope Kat doesn't think I'm ignoring her.

- Just forget Kat. Pass us the phone.

Yep, yeah, okay.

Yep, that's what I expected.

- I think we're in a coffin.

- We're in a coffin, yeah, yeah.

And I'm claustrophobic, so maybe it'll be

the panic attack for me, please.

- Let's just try and push that up, right, this-

Oh, my phone's just died, too.

- If you hadn't spent the whole time texting Kat,

trying to stab your best mate in the back,

then we wouldn't be about to perish.

- Wait, I've got an idea.

Yay.

- Ooh, great.

I can use the cock torch to check for cracks and gaps.

Mm-hmm, yes.

Yes, we are going to die.

- Okay, you're not gonna like it,

but I have just farted.

- Oh, God, burning my nostrils.

- I'm really sorry, okay, that you feel so hurt about Japan.

It's just that Kat thinks I need to really fully realise my-

- I don't, I really don't wanna die talking about Kat,

thanks, or as it goes, holding a cock torch.

- Yeah, but I don't want us to go out on a barmy.

I'm really sorry for being actively a hindrance.

- No, I'm sorry.

You're not actively a hindrance.

I just use criticism as a mean of just emotional expression.

I'm very repressed.

I love you.

- I love you too.

Should we kiss, then?

- What?

- I don't know, I've just we've never done before.

- Why do you have to make everything so weird?

- Right, we've lost the cock torch.

- Listen to me, I'm so sorry I wasn't there

for you when you had to live in a van.

- It was actually quite comfortable.

What's he doing?

- What's going on?

- I don't know.

It sounds like he's leaving.

Let's push the lid again.

- One, two, three.

- What the...

- Where the hell is he?

- Let's not wait to find out.

We need to move. - Yep.

- Something's not right.

- Wait, is that?

Kat.

- Oh my God.

What the hell are you doing here?

- We got lost.

What are you doing here?

How did you find us?

- Find My Friends.

I freaked out when you stopped replying to my texts.

I was so worried.

Sorry, you must think I'm mad.

I know you said the training course would be intense,

but I just thought you might be in serious trouble or.

Why are you walking around in the middle of nowhere?

- Oh, just a really intensive hardcore

SAS type training course, yes.

You know, dump you in the middle of the wilderness

and find your way back to civilization,

that kind of thing.

- Hmm.

- Not really suitable for civilians.

- Well, I'm just glad you're okay.

I was so worried.

Let's get you out of here.

- Oh.

- Careful.

My car's this way.

You looking for something?

- Oh, yeah, just our teammates.

This was the rendezvous point,

but I think we've beaten them to it.

You haven't seen a very long, black car, have you?

- I actually did see a car screech off when I got here.

Maybe that was them.

- Oh, they pranked us.

Didn't even wait.

Classic them. - Ah.

Ah.

- What?

You don't find this My Find a Friend thing

a bit odd, do you?

- What do you mean?

- It's creepy.

She's tracking your every move.

- Mate, it's an app.

Privacy's dead, we've all seen Jeff Bezos' balls.

- I've not seen his balls.

Listen, um, congratulations on your new colleague.

Jamie told me the exciting news.

- Ah, thanks.

Guess you'll have to take backseat.

- What? - In the car.

- Oh, yeah.

- Good job.

I'm proud of you.

- Kat, are these?

- Oh gosh, you found the photos.

Yeah, crazy story.

I was collecting a load of old yearbook pics.

The printer screwed up by printing hundreds

of that one photo.

I've been meaning to throw them out.

- That is so funny. - Yes.

So funny.

- Road trip, here we come.

- Hang on.

How come you're not wearing your scarf anymore?

- Oh, silly me.

I must've left it at home.

? One way, or another, I'm gonna find ya ?

? I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ?

? One way, or another, I'm gonna win ya ?

? I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ?

? One way, or another, I'm gonna see ya ?

? I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya ?

? One day, maybe next week ?

? I'm gonna meet ya, I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya ?

? I will drive past your house ?

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