Original subtitles

- Hey, should we order some

room service and charge it to his room?

- Oh, cheeky, I like it.

- I might order a chicken korma, some fragrant rice.

I'm might well join you, shovel a couple of bhajis.

We're two hours ahead of schedule we should treat ourselves.

- Thanks for agreeing to do this job early, mate.

Kat's got a sofa delivery I've got to be home for.

- You're telling me we shifted this job because of Kat's sofa?

- She's been waiting six months for it, mate.

And there is a little sofa

emoji hurdling its way down one six.

- It's the end of days is a sofa with its own app.

- Well it did cost her 16 grand.

- 16 grand? What's it stuffed with, 15 grand?

- Oh god.

- Mr. V?

We've got ourselves another job. And guess where this one is?

Drum roll, please.

Nice... Japan!

- Japan? Blimey.

- I'm about to show you the salary. - Oh wow!

But Japan's quite far away, is it?

- Yeah, but you know what? We are going places, mate.

Let's grab the cash and head off.

- Okay, there we go.

Let's put him under here.

- Must be his phone.

- Okay, he's got a message from Rusnak Ivanov.

"Got held up, there in a couple of hours.

Looking forward to finally meeting you."

Should I just text back and say, don't bother?

There's no point sitting in traffic if your friend's dead.

- We were supposed to do the hit after the drug deal.

We're supposed to walk out of here with cash instead of drugs

we've come too early. What the shit are we gonna do?

- Couldn't we just do the deal ourselves?

I mean, clearly they've never met.

They're not going to know what he looks like.

- I don't think the Moldovan mafia

thinks he looks like a pair of middle aged women.

This is because of your obsession with Kat's overpriced sofa.

- Fran, I've had an idea that is

so downright crazy, it just might work.

- I don't suppose you've got

an idea that downright sensible and well thought out,

it absolutely, definitely will work.

Eh, we start with crazy.

- That'll be him.

- You're the actor, right?

Guilty. Kiren Roberts.

Magnetic Talent. At your service.

- It says it's a mini cab card?

- Oh, other side. Saves on printing cost.

- Oh, great.

- Hi. - Hi, good to see you.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Now I'm not sure what your agent's told you.

- Not very much. She's pretty snowed under.

It's a very busy time of year for animal talent.

And that's a lot of her client list, so.

- She represents animal talent, like who?

- Ever heard of a little movie called Babe?

- Whoa, she represents that pig?

- The pig's grandson, they're an acting dynasty.

- This is great. Little pressed for time. So, long short of it

I run a company with my assistant

here, which specializes in immersive events or parties.

- Zombie apocalypse, medieval banquet, prison escape.

I mean, that stuff's my bread and butter.

So, you've come to the right guy.

That is great to hear. We've got a big

stag party arriving and the lead actor's had

to drop recently. - So unprofessional.

- So why don't we get your costume?

And I can explain the scenario.

- Okay, cool.

- Sorry.

Will that work for you?

So, I'm Jackson Reynard. Big shot movie producer

who also moonlights as a high rolling drug dealer.

- Exactly. - And some Moldovan gangsters

are on their way over to do a deal.

All I've got to do is give this big bag of drugs to their

boss, who's being played by the stag.

- You got it. - And also I'm fighting a secret

lifelong battle with obsessive compulsive disorder.

- No, where did that come from?

- That's my own flourish.

That's what the best actors do.

- You can't just add in random stuff.

This is the first time you've met these guys and they are

incredibly dangerous in this entirely imaginary scenario.

- No, I get it but trust me, you want to keep these things cheeky

I mean, this is a stag do, right?

- Sure but trust me.

Want to keep things really, really simple, you know?

So you just stick to the script.

Stay in character, right?

I am going to be playing the muscle and my lovely assistant

here is going to be doing... catering.

- Oh, can I grab a croissant? Just the egg mcmuffin I had

on the way over, has hardly touched the sides.

- Listen, I'll be with you every

step of the way, so don't worry.

- Listen, darling,

I played Henry VIII at Hampton Court for three years.

Didn't break character once.

Even when I got the news,

my then wife had been in a car crash.

If anything is just fed into the performance.

- Could I have a word?

- Oh, wow. Cool props.

- Okay, how come I get to do the boring bit?

I hide the body? This whole thing was my idea,

so I should be playing the muscle.

- I think it's obvious who is more convincing as muscle.

Why are you pointing your

boobs at me in that really weird aggressive manner?

- I'm aiming my power stance at you.

- Oh, you're power stance. - According to Kat,

a well placed, power stance in the workplace

can lead to less verbal confrontation.

She says I should be more

assertive so that I don't get walked over by certain people.

- Oh, really? Really?

Well, how about I aim my power stance at you!

With some added verbals. You have potentially

fucked our entire career over Kat's overpriced sofa.

- Is it a hard no on the OCD backstory?

- Oh, god. Okay, here we go.

You ready?

- Showtime.

What's my characters name?

- Jackson Raynard. - Jackson Raynard.

Jackson Raynard. Jackson Raynard.

Gentlemen. Welcome.

- I need that trolley off ya.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sophie, this trolley is for a VIP.

Let's just say, you wouldn't... "beliebe"...

- Stop. - ...if I were to tell you.

Actually in real life, very much smaller.

- No way! You can keep that.

- Thank you.

- Oh shit, only an hour and a half to go.

- Oh shitty pants.

Oh Jackson.

Jackson.

- There. I like to have everything just so.

It's a condition.

- So, Jackson. Nice to finally put a face to the name.

How's the movie business? - Stretch limos, premieres up

to my neck in bullshit lawsuits, same shit,

different decade. How's the Moldovan Mafia business?

- Work, work, work. Always busy.

Sometimes, I think I should make a career change. When I

was a little boy, all I ever wanted to do was be an actor.

Can you believe that?

Maybe there is a role for me in

one of your films, huh?

- No, you're far too ugly.

I mean, who'd married that? Am I right?

- Too ugly?

You're a funny guy, Jackson.

- Dema.

Dema.

Play nice.

My cousin Dema, he's a little,

but he's my best man. - Ah, the best man.

Nice. - If anybody ever tries to

fuck me over, I just pulls their head off.

Quite literally.

- Well, you better watch out because Meredith here,

she's an animal too.

Born and bread on the mean streets of Johannesburg.

- Yeah, I mean,

I can punch through a brick wall like it's a wet hob knob, yah?

- Meredith. Drinks all around.

- Where from?

- Where from, boss? And the mini bar, obviously.

- Sorry about that. - Women, huh?

- What's the best Moldovan movie, ever made?

Fran, why are you speaking in Welsh accent?

- Look, it's a very long and quite annoying story.

- A couple of things,

firstly, the sofa is 88 minutes and 6 seconds away.

Yeah, I don't really have time for that right now.

- Okay, secondly, Jackson may not be

as dead as we thought he was.

- What?

- Yeah, and I might have lost him a little bit.

- Why didn't you start with that?

- Okay, just a thought.

It might be a good idea to seal the

deal ASAP in case Jackson is heading back to the room.

- Yeah, well you cannot allow that to happen.

- The game's up mate. Wait, wait!

- Keanu is like goddamn Dyson vacuum cleaner.

And I'm like, "dude, you gotta slow down

or you're going to inhale the whole fucking toilet seat!"

- Boss, I think it's probably time to wrap this deal up?

- Gentlemen, I'm reminded that we're here to do business.

- If little miss bodyguard says so. Who's in charge here my friend?

- I know. Next thing you know,

she'll be dressing me up in a butler's outfit,

calling me Jeeves and getting me to wipe her ass.

- This guy.

- I love it. - He loves it.

It's been fun Jackson.

- Almost seems a shame

to be wrapping things up so early.

Always good to leave people wanting more, huh?

- You know, what? You're right.

I mean, the night is still young. We have a suite here

at the hotel for a private celebration.

Why not come with us?

We can smoke some cigars, play some crabs,

talk to some girls and we can do the deal there?

- Let's keep this party going! - Boss, we have a call with

Pacino. - Cancel it.

Who needs Pacino when he got the real deal right here.

- Boss!

? Man, you want me to play? ?

? I'll play ?

? I feel kind of restless ?

? before I get on the road ?

? I wanna get on a bus and play me a whole bunch of shows?

- Trust me, my friend, you're gonna have a very good time.

Everything, highest level.

- All right, I just need to uh,

secure the route. - I'm sure it's fine.

Stop hashing the vibe. Meredith.

- I'm not so sure.

Actually, this is a very big deal.

There's some real bad guys out there.

- But there's some real bad guys here as well.

Am I right?

- Put a sock in it.

- Just tying my shoelace.

- Keep up, Meredith.

? I got, I got, I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA ?

- Welcome to big school!

- What the hell? - These guys are incredible,

right?

- You need to stick to the script.

This isn't part of the package.

We shouldn't be in here.

How can I explain this to amateur?

As an actor, one has to listen to one's gut

and my gut's telling me that my character would say

yes, the gambling and girls. - Just do the deal.

Get it done. Go on.

- I'll get it.

Make me lucky.

Woohoo!

- The gentleman wins again.

- Just the man I was looking for.

This paper was left unattended which was very careless of you.

You enjoying the party?

Lots of nice ladies here. Voluntarily I presume.

Great chat.

- None of this was worth it.

What do you mean? The drugs.

They're fake.

- Fran!

- We were playing for real money, right?

- Your roll again.

- Fran, have you done the deal yet?

- We've had to move rooms.

Long story, but basically we hired Daniel-fucking-Day-Lewis

and he's gone full method, mate.

- Okay, I'm good news.

Jackson is very much dead for real this time.

- Thank fuck for that.

- There is a little bit of bad news.

- Yeah, if this is about Kat's sofa, I am just not interested.

- The drugs are fake.

- What?

Which room are you in? Fran, Fran?

- I give up. This guy plays like he's

got nothing to lose.

Let's just finish the deal, my friend.

So before you take any more of my money.

- That's a great idea.

We could do a quick swap and then go our separate ways.

- Usually we check a new supplier's project for purity.

But we shared this time together

and I won't insult your honor.

- You're a very reasonable man. - Dema!

- Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

I don't want special treatment, test it.

- I'm sorry, boss

but he said he did not want to insult your honor.

- I want the word out there.

The Jackson Reynard's got

the purest white on the goddamn block.

- Okay, let's test it. - Okay boss.

- You're gonna love it.

- Fran,

which room are you in?

You need to call me back.

I need to get a move on.

The sofa has just passed the overhead.

- Boss. - Fran?

Sorry.

- We need to go now. - Just a couple more minutes.

- No. You need to listen to me right now.

- We're reaching the climax of the show.

- I think the climax has been reached here.

- Fran? Sorry.

- Want to join us? - No.

Jackson, it's been a blast.

but I'm afraid we must conclude our proceedings.

- Just when I was starting to enjoy myself.

- Unfortunately, it's getting late and your luck has run out!

- Do you think I'm a fool, Jackson?

The drugs, they're fake.

- How dare you?

You're calling Jackson Reynard a liar?

You better be pretty damn sure because if you're wrong,

I won't come at you with everything I've got.

- He doesn't mean it.

- So tell me a little snack.

How do you know one of your goons hasn't double crossed

you? Swapped out the drugs

because I see a lot of hungry dogs out of here.

Ever thought about that?

Didn't think so. - Bullshit.

- Maybe. But you and I both know you

haven't got the balls to pull that trigger.

In fact, do it.

I dare you.

I double dare you, mother fucker.

- Very, very sorry.

There's been a terrible misunderstanding and I

can explain everything. - You better explain pretty

fucking quick or both your brains will be on the fucking ceiling.

- Sorry, wrong room.

Oh, this is the right room.

- Who the fuck are you?

- You should have killed me while you had the chance.

- What the?

- Oh.

- Oh, my God.

That was so realistic.

So are they all wearing blood bags, is it?

- Yeah, blood bags, yeah.

Jamie, could you get the money?

Thank you.

- I've never done one of these

where everyone is so committed.

Such attention to detail and the strong work lads.

Should I say goodbye? - They're pretty method.

So I think they'll be playing dead for a while.

- So into it.

I love it.

Kiren Roberts, Magnetic Talent.

Leave me a Yelp review.

I'd really appreciate it.

- Can I take one of these? - Yeah, sure.

I'm just gonna go get changed.

Peace out.

Well done, everyone.

- All right, so everyone who should be dead is dead.

Really? Now? - I promised Kat.

- Why can't you just be in the moment?

This job is done, we're gonna go to Japan?

I'm sorry, but I just want to go home and get my sofa.

- That's not your home or your sofa, is it?

- I sleep there. So it is my home.

- Once slept in an Iceland

shopping trolley, was that your home?

- It was for that night. Yeah.

Kat trusts me with important

things, and I don't want to let her down.

- No. Absolutely.

Well, that's your choice.

So, off you go.

- I will. - Good.

- I'm going. - Good.

Off you go.

Oh god, not the boobs again.

Off.

Goodbye.

? Did you read the news? I'm a bit confused! ?

? The gun fever is back, the gun fever! ?

? Rudeness and gun it's the talk of this town ?

? The gun fever is back, the gun fever! ?

? Every time you read the Clean or Star ?

? A man's shot dead or rude gun war ?

? It's the fever, oh the gun fever! ?

? The simplest thing is blam blam blam ?

? What is this our little island? ?

? It's the fever, the gun fever! ?

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