Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,045
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
2
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,589
WOMAN: Exsqueeze me.
Can I get a side of...
3
00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:07,049
{\an8}Thanks.
4
00:00:14,569 --> 00:00:19,569
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
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00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,943
[FANFARE PLAYING]
6
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,922
WOMAN: Look what the man
picked out for us, Marty.
7
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,842
MARTY: "Donny's Party"?
What the hell is "Donny's Party"?
8
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,177
- It's a film, Marty.
- Never heard of it.
9
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,596
That's because
you never leave your bed, Marty.
10
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,765
MARTY: I'm not watching
no "Donny's Party."
11
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:59,560
That movie sounds
like "forgot the dick sauce."
12
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:05,983
[FANFARE PLAYING]
13
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:23,333
[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]
14
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:29,381
{\an8}MAN: ♪ Let's go with the flow ♪
15
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:34,636
♪ Relax and watch what happens ♪
16
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,891
♪ 'Cause we got the time
The evening is fine ♪
17
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,603
♪ And so are you ♪
18
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,480
♪ We just said hello ♪
19
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:50,819
♪ We can save goodbye for tomorrow ♪
20
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,905
♪ Let's do it ♪
21
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,491
♪ Let's go with the flow ♪
22
00:01:56,533 --> 00:02:01,455
[UP-TEMPO JAZZ PLAYING]
23
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:23,185
And... cheese!
24
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:25,354
Okay, can we just go now?
This is taking forever.
25
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,688
Jesus, Donny.
You sound like a little bitch.
26
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,190
Hey, my friends are waiting, please.
27
00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:30,359
Donny, that is the point of a reception.
You wait.
28
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,487
Michelle, stop putting gum in your mouth.
Spit it out.
29
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,489
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing, Mother. I'm perfect.
30
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,950
Honey, don't you think we should
wait outside and greet the guests?
31
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,702
Mitch, shut up
and act like an adult for once.
32
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:44,498
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- And... cheese!
33
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,458
Yo, Swell City, baby.
34
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,669
- Fuckin' stop it already!
- Make me, bitch.
35
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,379
[ALL ARGUING]
36
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,923
How many fucking martinis are you
gonna have? Sorry. Apple-fucking-tinis.
37
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:56,552
- I fucking hate you.
- And... cheese!
38
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,596
Can we just go?
My friends are waiting for me.
39
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:02,266
I will take this glass.
I will slit your fucking wrist.
40
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,559
And... cheese!
41
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:08,146
[ALL ARGUING]
42
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,482
Cheese!
43
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,693
Cheese!
44
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,945
Cheese!
45
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,989
[GLASS SHATTERING]
46
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,407
Cheese!
47
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,576
Cheese!
48
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:25,122
{\an8}[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
49
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:29,459
All right, everybody. That's a wrap.
That wasn't so bad, huh?
50
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,171
Okay, go mingle with the guests.
Put your happy faces on.
51
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,173
Donny, I need you to go meet Chase,
Sam, and Erin in the coatroom
52
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,466
- to practice your dance, okay?
- You mean Eric.
53
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,177
I don't give a shit.
54
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,887
Cheese.
55
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:44,600
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
56
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:47,311
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Donny Drucker's
bar mitzvah party.
57
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:51,732
Join us tonight as we celebrate
a 13-year-old's journey into manhood.
58
00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:00,657
{\an8}Donny, Gary. So happy to be here.
59
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,744
{\an8}I just wanna say tonight
is gonna be an amazing night.
60
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,747
{\an8}- Susie and I are so...
- How big is it?
61
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:07,956
Big.
62
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:10,167
Gary's dick looks like a Brussels sprout.
63
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,211
[CHUCKLES] ...happy.
64
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:19,885
Look at her.
Isn't she absolutely fucking gorgeous?
65
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,136
Tell you what.
66
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,597
You wanna take her for a spin tonight,
be my guest.
67
00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:27,059
And I ain't talking about my car,
if you know what I mean.
68
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,522
I'm talking about Nancy.
I'm telling you you can fuck my wife.
69
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,899
[LAUGHTER]
70
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,486
Nancy. You can fuck her. Boo-yah.
71
00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:39,279
- You can fuck her tonight.
- NANCY: Yeah.
72
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,991
But, seriously, please, fuck my wife.
73
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,786
CAMERAMAN: Excuse me.
Do you wanna say anything for Donny?
74
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,163
{\an8}Yeah. Sure.
75
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,457
{\an8}Whenever you're ready.
76
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,752
{\an8}Hey, Donny. I just wanna say... congrats.
77
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:58,340
{\an8}Um, I'm so happy to be here.
I know the party's gonna be amazing.
78
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:02,094
♪♪♪
79
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:17,150
So, uh, you-you're having a good time?
80
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,403
Well, I just got here,
like, two minutes ago.
81
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,030
- But, yeah.
- Okay. Yeah.
82
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,242
Well, um, you look very pretty.
83
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,869
Thanks.
84
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:32,833
{\an8}GIRL'S VOICE: That's awesome.
85
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,878
- Wassup?
- Wassup?
86
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,421
Boo-yah!
87
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:39,131
Ahh!
88
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,049
Hey, listen up, guys.
I want you to meet some friends of mine.
89
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,385
This is Mr. and Mrs. Wang.
They're in from out of town.
90
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,262
No shit. How do you do? I'm Gary.
91
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,848
- G-A-R-Y.
- You didn't have to spell it.
92
00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,766
Hi. This is my wife, Suse.
93
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:52,060
And a friend of Mitch's
is a friend of ours. Right, Suse?
94
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,520
- [BELCHES] Hey, how you doing?
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
95
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,105
- BOY: Ow! My glasses!
- Tom Blumberg.
96
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,773
This is my wife, Nancy. Nice to meet you.
97
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:57,858
Konnichiwa.
98
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,402
- GARY: That's Tom and that's Nancy.
- Hey, well, you guys mingle.
99
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,112
- Mmm.
- [GLASS CHATTERS]
100
00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:04,364
- MAN: Hey!
- Daddy needs a refill.
101
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,866
I'm gonna come with you.
102
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,701
Honey, you haven't even started
your drink...
103
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:08,911
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- BOY: Ow! My glasses!
104
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,329
- Bye, Suse.
- Love you!
105
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,583
[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
106
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:18,587
CHASE: Eric? Eric.
107
00:06:18,629 --> 00:06:21,173
You still taking
those weird dance classes?
108
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:25,052
First of all, it's not "dance classes."
It's called "capoeira."
109
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,346
And second of all,
the truth is if I wanted to,
110
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,181
I could probably kick your ass right now.
111
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,558
DONNY: Hey, guys,
I've got something to tell you.
112
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,437
As of last night, Hannah and I
are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
113
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,605
Hannah?
114
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:37,731
Yeah.
115
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,149
Handjob Hannah?
116
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,901
Yes. That's... That's her.
117
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,986
You know she got finger blasted
last week in class
118
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,072
while watching
"Bill Nye the Science Guy"?
119
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:48,075
Yes. I know that. She's not
what people make her seem like.
120
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,494
She's a really cool girl, you know.
She's just misunderstood.
121
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:53,872
Yeah, we don't care. Just tell us
when and how the hell this happened.
122
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,542
I don't really know. We started working
together on a social studies project,
123
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,961
and I got to know her really well.
124
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,089
And then last night on AOL,
I asked her to be my girlfriend.
125
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,090
And?
126
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:06,426
She said she knew she loved me
before she met me.
127
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:07,678
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
128
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,596
Dude, that's really creepy.
129
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,765
Anyway, you're gonna try
to kiss her tonight or...
130
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:14,017
Of course I wanna kiss her, but, like,
I don't wanna take things too quick.
131
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,520
Dude, Hannah is a whore. Kiss her?
132
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,772
No, man, you're gonna get
a blow job tonight.
133
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,732
- Calm down.
- No, man, he's right.
134
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:24,194
- You are gonna get your dick sucked, bro.
- All right. All right. Stop. Okay?
135
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:28,532
But promise me, no matter what happens,
anything, you cannot tell Sam.
136
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,534
- You know how he gets...
- What's up, dipshits?
137
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:33,495
- Promise not to tell me what?
- Nothing, bro. Just...
138
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,831
Did you fucking shit your pants again?
139
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,791
I didn't shit my pants again.
How long are you gonna...
140
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,751
- Shut up.
- I didn't shit my pants.
141
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,629
We ain't got time for this bullshit, okay?
142
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,048
And I hope
you've been practicing the dance.
143
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,594
Let's take it from the top.
Get in formation.
144
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,722
So, how does this compare to some
of the other bar mitzvahs you've been to?
145
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,557
I mean, I like the balloons,
but I think they could do more.
146
00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,810
Actually, we've never been
to a bar mitzvah. This is our first.
147
00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:58,604
No fucking way!
148
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,648
GARY: What do you do in your free time?
Community work? Cliff diving?
149
00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:05,444
I mean, I can't believe you've never been
to one of these parties before.
150
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,071
We're at these things
almost every weekend, man.
151
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,699
You guys are in
for the night of your lives.
152
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,744
- Night of your lives!
- Isn't this a party for the kids?
153
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,996
Who gives a fuck about them?
154
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,373
Five shots of tequila all around.
155
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,876
Let's put a roofie
in every single one of 'em
156
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,544
for our friends the Wangs.
157
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:23,629
Chop-chop.
158
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,673
Gary's son's party was just last weekend.
What a beautiful evening.
159
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:29,176
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.
I made the centerpieces out of poop.
160
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:32,136
That is the most shit-faced
I've been all month. Tell 'em, Nance.
161
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,182
It's true. He was in a coma
for the last five days.
162
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:37,017
I was pronounced legally dead
at the hospital.
163
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,684
I know. I came to visit.
164
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,897
[LAUGHTER]
165
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,650
- Tom and I have a terrible marriage.
- GARY: It's true.
166
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,693
TOM: Oh, perfect timing.
167
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:51,365
Ooh, what happens
if we take the blue pill, Neo?
168
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,659
[LAUGHTER]
169
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,578
- Let's put Mr. Wang into a coma tonight.
- GARY: Yeah!
170
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,163
Whoo!
171
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,373
[SNORTS]
172
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,293
Oh, yeah!
That'll put some hair on your chest! Whoo!
173
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,546
I'll have an Apple Martini, please.
174
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,297
Dude, that is so fucking embarrassing.
175
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,966
- Are you listening to me right now?
- Yeah.
176
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,510
So here's the thing.
This girl finished sucking my dick, right?
177
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,970
It was incredible.
178
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,888
She had the tears in her eyes
but not from crying.
179
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,890
Just from, like, trying really hard.
You know what I mean?
180
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:20,143
So you would think that...
that we're done, right? Over.
181
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:23,647
But you are not gonna
fucking believe what happens next. Okay?
182
00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:29,444
I'm like... mmm, ahhh.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
183
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:33,615
Maa, maa, maa, maa, maa.
Yeah. Yeah. [GRUNTING]
184
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,159
[MUMBLING]
185
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,246
- Robert De Niro? I don't get this.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
186
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:41,707
No. I opened up her butt cheeks,
put my tongue in there,
187
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:44,293
and I ate her sweet little butthole.
It was like a balloon knot.
188
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,627
You know we're in public, right?
189
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:48,255
Who gives a shit, man? I'm, like,
giving out free information here.
190
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,215
It's like an STD clinic. Listen to me.
191
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,009
Here's the best part
about the entire thing.
192
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,761
It tasted exactly like shit.
193
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:55,846
- No way.
- Yes.
194
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,764
- Her butthole tasted like shit.
- I know.
195
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,601
That's crazy.
Did you check if she wiped?
196
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:01,935
No, David, I didn't check if she wiped
197
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:03,604
'cause I'm not
a fucking pediatrician, okay?
198
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:06,273
Look, the quickest way
into a woman's heart
199
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:08,358
is actually directly up her asshole.
200
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,568
Mm-hmm. That doesn't sound right.
201
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,986
What, you don't watch "Bill Nye"?
202
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:11,945
Fucking loser.
203
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:15,741
- What's up?
- How you doing, Evan?
204
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,075
- [DEEP VOICE] Hey.
- Hey.
205
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,328
- That's fucking Evan.
- Dude, you know he's 13.
206
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,621
- Goddamn, he's fucking big.
- I know.
207
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,332
- I went to his bar mitzvah last week.
- Jesus Christ.
208
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,584
He's gonna die in, like, three
fucking years if he doesn't stop growing.
209
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,003
- I hope so. He creeps me out.
- Anyway, dude, listen to me.
210
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,589
Dude, we're gonna get you
fucking laid tonight.
211
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,634
Yeah. I think you and I have
very different types.
212
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,844
- What does that even mean?
- I need to borrow him for a second.
213
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,889
- [SIGHS] Yo, we'll talk about this later.
- Yo.
214
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,225
- [HIP-HOP PLAYING]
- Single, single, double.
215
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,352
Single, single, double. One more time.
216
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,812
Single, single, double. And through.
217
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,148
Single, single, double.
218
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,275
Single, single, double.
219
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,278
Oh, stop. Stop. Stop!
220
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,531
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What the hell is going on?
221
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:56,823
- Listen.
- What?
222
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,743
We appreciate the hustle,
but we can't do this shit.
223
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,537
We're never gonna be able
to learn this dance.
224
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,665
Yes, you can.
You boys just need to put in more effort.
225
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,708
Dude, we've been at this for weeks.
226
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,294
We're gonna look like fucking idiots
out there.
227
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:13,340
Dancing is in your blood.
We're Jewish. Jews can't dance.
228
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:18,095
No matter how much we practice this shit,
we're never gonna be able to do it.
229
00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:21,348
We're Jewish.
230
00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:22,724
We're Jewish.
231
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,393
We have small dicks.
232
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,854
Look, all of this means
you just wanna give up?
233
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,021
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
234
00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:29,106
That's ridiculous.
235
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,149
We're just Jewish.
It's nothing against you.
236
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,902
- SAM: Yeah.
- I have such a small dick.
237
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,321
Hey, boys. How's the dance going?
238
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,574
- Dance is looking awesome.
- Great.
239
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,952
Mom. Mom, look,
we're... we're not gonna be great. Okay?
240
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,913
Is there any way
that we can just skip the dance?
241
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,666
- No, we cannot skip the dance.
- But, Mom...
242
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,251
Are you seriously
talking back to me right now?
243
00:11:49,293 --> 00:11:52,087
Do you have any idea
how much stress I am under tonight?
244
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:54,590
The dance is the last thing
I need to be thinking about.
245
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:58,719
I threw this whole party for you,
and this is the respect I get.
246
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,929
We're gonna look like idiots out there.
247
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,389
Well, you better not.
248
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:06,310
'Cause if you go out there looking
like idiots, I will be so embarrassed.
249
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,938
Don't you dare embarrass me.
250
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,356
ERIC: Shit.
251
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,566
[GULPS]
252
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,903
Good luck on the dance, boys.
253
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:19,114
- Bye, Mrs. Drucker.
- Bye, Sherryl. Nice talking to you.
254
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,324
- You're scary.
- GERALD: Told you.
255
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,701
BOY'S VOICE: Cool.
256
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:25,412
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
257
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:27,998
Bubbie, this is David.
258
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,752
This is the David
you've been telling me about.
259
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:32,794
Yeah.
260
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:35,047
David, your boyfriend.
261
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,924
This is my boyfriend, David.
262
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,968
What is this, some kind of joke?
263
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,803
You wanna give your Bubbie
a heart attack?
264
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,847
No. What's wrong with David?
265
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,725
Oh...[SPEAKING YIDDISH]
266
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:51,021
I'm sorry your Bubbie
has to be the one to tell you this, but...
267
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:53,148
your boyfriend is a faygella.
268
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:59,154
I have no idea what you just said.
269
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:03,158
I'm saying he likes
to make sex with boys.
270
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,202
Are you saying David is gay?
271
00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:08,288
Yes. He likes penis.
272
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,499
Bubbie, David is straight.
273
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:15,379
We are boyfriend and girlfriend
in a heterosexual romance.
274
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,424
- Oh!
- What about my Jason?
275
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,676
[FARTS]
276
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:21,927
Oh, fuck!
277
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:25,556
You told me that you would set up
my grandson with your granddaughter.
278
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:28,809
Well, what can I do?
She's in love with a homosexual.
279
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:31,019
- I want my teeth back.
- Hey, hey, hey!
280
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:34,314
Okay. Wait. I have other options.
281
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,566
Come with me.
282
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,860
- [SPEAKING YIDDISH]
- You.
283
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,280
What the fuck just happened?
284
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,283
My grandma. She's always trying
to set me up with these weird-ass dudes,
285
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,535
so I was just trying
to get her off my back.
286
00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:48,370
Grandma's a big, fat cunt.
287
00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:50,455
She's actually kind of amazing.
288
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:53,625
I mean, she deduced in 10 seconds
what Bobby couldn't in 10 years.
289
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:57,045
- You still haven't told Bobby yet?
- Okay. It's not that simple.
290
00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:59,173
All right? If I tell him,
it would just make things weird.
291
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,674
How would it make things weird?
292
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:03,093
Have you met Bobby before?
It would make things weird.
293
00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:05,637
Are you done crying?
Are you gonna cry a little more?
294
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:09,016
'Cause my brother won't fuck you? Thanks.
295
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,852
Ssloo.
296
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,688
Mm. Fftt.
297
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,025
Oh. Um... Hey.
298
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,985
- Hey.
- Mrs. Greenberg, how's it going?
299
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,987
Are you enjoying the evening?
300
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:24,198
Oh, Bobby, come on.
How long have you known me?
301
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,866
Call me Susie.
302
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:28,619
Fftt. Right, Susie. Fair enough.
303
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,247
Suse. Suse?
304
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,041
- Susie.
- Susie. Susie.
305
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:37,503
You just... You look, like, so much better
306
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:42,132
than I could have imagined
you being able to look.
307
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:44,885
Uh, thank you.
308
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,720
And it's just something about, like...
309
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:50,098
Wa-wa.
Like, it's just... It's there, you know.
310
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:53,602
Like, your body's just like,
"Hi. I'm here." You know?
311
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:56,939
It's like... Women your age typically,
I feel like...
312
00:14:56,980 --> 00:15:00,150
I don't know. I think, like, shit just
gets, like, a little fucked up sometimes.
313
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,569
You know.
And things fall, and they soften,
314
00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:05,030
and they droop, and they get sadder.
315
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,282
- Yeah.
- But your body is happy
316
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,785
- and, like, more... You know?
- Bobby.
317
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,411
- So you...
- Bobby.
318
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,329
- You're not gross.
- Bobby.
319
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:14,414
- Yeah.
- Are you 18?
320
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,043
I'm 18 1/2.
321
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,879
All right then.
322
00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:25,092
[BOTH MOANING]
323
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,177
BOBBY: Is that a fucking plunger?
324
00:15:27,219 --> 00:15:28,929
SUSIE: Yeah.
You got a problem with that?
325
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:30,514
BOBBY: I guess not.
326
00:15:30,556 --> 00:15:32,099
SUSIE: And...
327
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:35,269
- BOBBY: Oh! What is that...[GRUNTING]
- [SQUISHING]
328
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,311
- SUSIE: Yeah.
- [BOBBY GROANING]
329
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,021
- SUSIE: You like that?
- BOBBY: Yeah.
330
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,189
- You like that?
- Yeah.
331
00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:40,899
- Tell me you like it.
- I like it.
332
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,317
SUSIE: Yeah, you do.
333
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:44,736
{\an8}MAN'S VOICE: Mazel Tov.
334
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:49,283
We are fucked. We are all fucked.
335
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:53,120
Calm the fuck down. It's not a big deal.
I'm, like, serious.
336
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,746
Not a big deal?
Did you hear what she said?
337
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,248
My life... over, done.
338
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:58,959
What's the point of going over the dance?
We can't dance.
339
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,378
Yes, you can.
340
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:05,883
[WHISPERING] You just don't know it yet.
341
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,177
[ECHOING] ...know it yet... know it yet.
342
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,803
We appreciate the support,
but you're wrong.
343
00:16:09,845 --> 00:16:11,346
We can't dance. We're Jew...
344
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,389
Jewish?
345
00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:14,558
Oh, you got a small pee-pee?
346
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,977
Y'all got small pee-pees?
347
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:19,646
I know it's tough.
Yeah, I got a small penis.
348
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:22,357
A really small penis.
One girl, she thought it was ChapStick.
349
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:24,735
But it never went on her lips.
350
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,696
I have watched you guys grow up.
351
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,489
I know what you're capable of.
352
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,867
- You can do this dance. Donny.
- What?
353
00:16:31,909 --> 00:16:33,535
Remember when you shat yourself in class?
354
00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:35,037
Yes, I do remember that.
It wasn't my fault.
355
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:38,540
- I didn't know I was lactose intolerant.
- It's okay. Shit happens.
356
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:40,250
I just want you to show everybody
what it looked like
357
00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:42,211
- when you walked out of class.
- Why?
358
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:45,172
- Just show us what it looked like.
- Fine.
359
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,257
It went something like this.
360
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:51,011
- [GRUNTING]
- Yes.
361
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:54,765
Yes. Yes! Capowitz.
You gave him a swirly in sixth grade.
362
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,642
- Show us what it looked like.
- Don't, dick.
363
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,185
- Yes.
- It went like...
364
00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:01,355
Yes. Yes! Do you guys see what I'm
talking about here? Do you see it?
365
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:03,899
Eric, get over here.
Your father's abusive, right?
366
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:06,193
- Yeah!
- Yeah, he is. All right, man.
367
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:09,029
Now, I want you to imagine
that you're fighting him off. All right?
368
00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:12,991
There it is. "Oh, no!
Daddy, don't throw me into the dresser."
369
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,160
This is what I'm talking about, guys.
370
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,704
Are you seeing this?
It's easy. You can do this.
371
00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:19,289
[PAGER BEEPING]
372
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,750
All right, I'm getting beeped.
I gotta get out of here.
373
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,211
But you guys are gonna be great, okay?
What are you gonna do?
374
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,921
- Shit my pants.
- What are you gonna do?
375
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:28,048
I'm gonna protect myself from my dad!
376
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,383
We're gonna talk about that later.
What are you gonna do?
377
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:31,802
- I'm gonna slam Capowitz.
- That's right.
378
00:17:31,844 --> 00:17:33,887
You guys get out there and do your thing.
379
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,973
Wait. What about me?
380
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:39,351
Huh. You're not Jewish.
381
00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,436
You've always known how to dance.
382
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:44,898
Oh, yeah. I'm not Jewish.
383
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,778
All right, let's do it. Come on.
We're gonna practice. Come on.
384
00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:58,161
ANNOUNCER: Live from B'nai Beth B'rith
Moshe Shalom Kodesh
385
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:03,500
Avidus Sarrar Riivka Homus Synagogue
in Franklin, Michigan, it's...
386
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:10,340
[CLEARING THROAT]
387
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:13,385
Earlier this evening,
we greeted the stars.
388
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:15,971
Now it's time we celebrate them.
389
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:17,639
Ladies and gentlemen,
390
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:19,391
without further ado,
391
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:23,437
your host, Donny Drucker!
392
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,398
[APPLAUSE]
393
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,026
Hello, everyone. Uh...
394
00:18:31,862 --> 00:18:34,656
I'd like to thank you all
for making it out here tonight,
395
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:38,410
and I'd like to officially welcome you
to the first ever Donny Awards.
396
00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:43,123
[CHEERING]
397
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:46,543
They say that the older you become,
the wiser you get.
398
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:49,505
And grandparents are amazing.
We can all agree on that.
399
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,757
But who is the most amazing?
400
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,843
Nominees for Best Grandparent are...
401
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,261
{\an8}Bubbie.
402
00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:00,891
{\an8}Grandma Stein.
403
00:19:03,644 --> 00:19:06,396
{\an8}Zadie. Come on. Give it up.
404
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:10,776
{\an8}Or Pep Pep.
405
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,319
{\an8}MAN: He looks great.
406
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:14,947
And the award goes to...
407
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,866
[DRUMROLL]
408
00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:20,202
Grandma Stein.
409
00:19:20,244 --> 00:19:22,538
[APPLAUSE]
410
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:26,708
Just start moving her. She'll wake up.
411
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,710
Honey, I need to go to the bathroom.
412
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:30,170
Right now? Can it wait?
413
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:31,922
It's kind of an emergency.
414
00:19:31,964 --> 00:19:34,800
The turtle's starting to poke its head
out of the shell.
415
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:36,844
Whatever. This is so typical.
416
00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,887
GERALD: One more round of applause
for Grandma.
417
00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:40,681
- [APPLAUSE]
- Yeah.
418
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:44,560
I'm the Best Grandma.
419
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,395
Oh, my.
420
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:51,567
I am so proud to see you up here
becoming a man, watching you...
421
00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,569
Okay, thank you, Grandma.
You talk too much.
422
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,696
Hey, we gotta keep this show rolling.
423
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,698
Thank you, Grandma Stein.
Thank you. Thank you.
424
00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,908
We ain't got time for all of that.
All right.
425
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:02,703
The next category...
426
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,955
is Favorite Cousin.
427
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:09,251
[APPLAUSE]
428
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:12,254
Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize
anybody else would be out here.
429
00:20:12,296 --> 00:20:13,839
- I can leave.
- No.
430
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,174
No. it's... it's fine.
431
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,885
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely. It's fine.
432
00:20:21,138 --> 00:20:24,266
- It's a beautiful night.
- Yeah. Yeah. It sure is.
433
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,395
Have we met?
434
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:29,396
Really, Mitch?
435
00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:32,566
Our children have been going
to school together for quite some time.
436
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:33,692
I'm Hannah's mum.
437
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,736
Oh, right. Right.
438
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:39,364
Hannah's mom. Right. I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm terrible with names.
439
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,742
- All right. That's fine.
- Yeah.
440
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:44,203
Smoking during the ceremony.
That's pretty bad of you.
441
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,997
Oh, yeah. Got me.
Can you keep a secret?
442
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,790
Well, that depends. Can I join in?
443
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,959
Uh, yeah. Sure. Of course.
444
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,336
There.
445
00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:55,339
Oh, I love it when a man rolls his own.
It's so classy.
446
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:58,550
Oh. You want to, uh, take
a shot at it yourself?
447
00:20:58,592 --> 00:20:59,885
Absolutely. Thank you.
448
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,762
- Okay. There you go.
- All right.
449
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:04,223
I wouldn't take a look at you
and peg you as a smoker.
450
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:09,645
Well, there's a lot of things
that you don't know about me, Mitch.
451
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:14,525
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
452
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,495
Wow. [CHUCKLES]
453
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,373
Where did you learn to roll like that?
454
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:32,835
Let's just say
I'm pretty good with my mouth.
455
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,337
All right. It's that time.
456
00:21:35,379 --> 00:21:38,423
It's that time to get out your seats
and get to the dance floor.
457
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,301
It's time to party. All right!
458
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,303
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
459
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:46,014
MAN: ♪ Have you ever seen
a man not afraid to die? ♪
460
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:47,641
♪ Gave his life for a dream ♪
461
00:21:47,683 --> 00:21:49,518
♪ Born-hustler so the game conceived ♪
462
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,520
♪ A caged beast, but now I'm free ♪
463
00:21:51,562 --> 00:21:53,522
♪ How can you blame me?
I was born for this ♪
464
00:21:53,564 --> 00:21:54,690
♪ The game chose me ♪
465
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,442
♪ Now I've been training for this
my whole life ♪
466
00:21:57,484 --> 00:22:00,028
♪ Carpe diem
Seize the moment right ♪
467
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:02,114
♪ We gon turn up and rock plenty ice ♪
468
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:05,367
♪ This is hard time
Yeah, I'm about that life ♪
469
00:22:05,409 --> 00:22:07,870
♪ I'm a street dude
Teach dudes to think quicker ♪
470
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:10,581
♪ Would take over the world,
but, yo, I dream bigger ♪
471
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:13,000
♪ Never satisfied
I'm trying to be richer ♪
472
00:22:13,041 --> 00:22:15,544
♪ And pour out a little bit
for those who ain't with us ♪
473
00:22:15,586 --> 00:22:18,172
♪ Ready
My whole clique since '06 ♪
474
00:22:18,213 --> 00:22:20,549
♪ Was on the bottom
Now we running this ♪
475
00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,551
♪ Grind hard when the load gets heavy ♪
476
00:22:22,593 --> 00:22:24,344
♪ The money was slow,
but now it's ready ♪
477
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:25,888
♪ You boys is not ready ♪
478
00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:27,764
♪ You boys don't want it with us,
so stop lying ♪
479
00:22:27,806 --> 00:22:29,975
♪ Show me a dude caring,
I'll show you a boy dying ♪
480
00:22:30,017 --> 00:22:30,517
♪ I ain't lying ♪
481
00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:32,936
♪ We are self-built, self-made,
self-sustained ♪
482
00:22:32,978 --> 00:22:36,190
♪ Self-seekers, selfish
Yo, I'm trying to get paid ♪
483
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,108
♪ Picture me on a stage ♪
484
00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,027
♪ With 50,000 fans
and a riot and a frenzy ♪
485
00:22:40,068 --> 00:22:41,528
♪ Don't cross me, boy ♪
486
00:22:41,570 --> 00:22:44,698
♪ We got a sick and twisted way
of coming at you every day ♪
487
00:22:44,740 --> 00:22:46,742
♪ Until you see it our way ♪
488
00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:50,412
♪ I'm glad we can see eye to eye
before somebody had to die ♪
489
00:22:50,454 --> 00:22:51,747
♪ Please don't cry ♪
490
00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:54,541
♪ It's occasionally necessary
to push a dude over the ledge ♪
491
00:22:54,583 --> 00:22:56,877
♪ So he can come to his head
and know that he's not ready ♪
492
00:22:56,919 --> 00:22:59,546
♪ My whole clique since '06 ♪
493
00:22:59,588 --> 00:23:01,590
♪ Was on the bottom
Now we running this ♪
494
00:23:01,632 --> 00:23:03,926
♪ Grind hard when the load gets heavy ♪
495
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:07,137
♪ The money was slow, but now it's ready
You boys is not ready ♪
496
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:11,850
Hey, Paul, can you get me one of those...
497
00:23:11,892 --> 00:23:14,061
Dirty Detroit Appletini,
shaken, not stirred,
498
00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:16,313
hold the OJ, no ice, jizz on the brim?
499
00:23:16,355 --> 00:23:18,357
Have I become that predictable?
500
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:21,151
- I like a man that sticks to his drink.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]
501
00:23:21,193 --> 00:23:23,737
Oh, there we go. Wow.
502
00:23:23,779 --> 00:23:25,781
BARTENDER: Thank you, sir.
503
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:28,033
[SLURPING] Mmm.
504
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:30,744
Amazing, as always.
505
00:23:30,786 --> 00:23:34,581
And, uh, I detect you might have poured
a little extra vodka in there this time.
506
00:23:34,623 --> 00:23:36,416
That's quite the palate you have.
507
00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:38,210
Well, I am an alcoholic.
508
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:43,715
No, seriously, it's a... it's a problem.
509
00:23:43,757 --> 00:23:45,676
WOMAN: ♪ Is we fucking tonight?
Is we fucking tonight? ♪
510
00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:48,053
- Hey, Hannah.
- Hey, Donny.
511
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:49,513
This party's awesome.
512
00:23:49,555 --> 00:23:51,181
Yeah. Thanks.
513
00:23:51,223 --> 00:23:53,976
♪ Is we fucking tonight?
Is we fucking tonight? ♪
514
00:23:54,017 --> 00:23:55,644
♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪
515
00:23:55,686 --> 00:23:57,479
Maybe you wanna dance.
516
00:23:57,521 --> 00:23:58,522
Yeah. Sure.
517
00:23:58,564 --> 00:24:01,358
♪ Is we fucking tonight?
I'm ready for somebody ♪
518
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,360
♪ Is we fucking tonight?
Is we fucking tonight? ♪
519
00:24:03,402 --> 00:24:04,695
♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪
520
00:24:04,736 --> 00:24:06,947
♪ I'm ready for somebody
Is we fucking tonight? ♪
521
00:24:06,989 --> 00:24:08,782
- Hi, Mitch.
- Oh, hey.
522
00:24:08,824 --> 00:24:12,077
[LAUGHS] You remember my name?
523
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:13,745
Of course. Hannah's mom.
524
00:24:13,787 --> 00:24:15,455
You enjoying the party?
525
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:18,417
Does porridge fuddle in a fortnight?
526
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,626
Uh, I don't...
527
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:21,795
Yes. Of course. I'm enjoying the party.
528
00:24:21,837 --> 00:24:23,714
Oh, good. Good. Good.
529
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:26,383
Well, what about you?
You seem a lot less stressed.
530
00:24:26,425 --> 00:24:27,759
Yeah. Yeah. I think so.
531
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:29,887
I think I just need to get
a couple of these things in me.
532
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,096
Right.
533
00:24:31,138 --> 00:24:33,765
Hey, I noticed that Donny's out there
dancing with Hannah.
534
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,309
She's such a sweet girl.
535
00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:37,269
Yeah, she seems very nice.
She's pretty, too.
536
00:24:37,311 --> 00:24:40,022
She is. You know, she just got her period.
537
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,273
Oh, cool.
538
00:24:41,315 --> 00:24:43,025
- Oh, it's such a mess.
- Yeah.
539
00:24:43,066 --> 00:24:46,403
So, Mitch, do you have a cellphone?
I'd love to give you my number, you know,
540
00:24:46,445 --> 00:24:48,322
just in case the children
decide they fancy each other
541
00:24:48,363 --> 00:24:49,781
and we can have a playdate.
542
00:24:49,823 --> 00:24:52,367
Oh, yeah. Of course I've got a cellphone.
543
00:24:53,827 --> 00:24:58,040
[CELLPHONE BEEPING]
544
00:25:02,294 --> 00:25:03,962
Call me.
545
00:25:04,004 --> 00:25:06,089
AUTOMATED MESSAGE: If you'd like
to make a call,
546
00:25:06,131 --> 00:25:08,300
please hang up and try again.
547
00:25:08,342 --> 00:25:12,387
If you need help,
hang up and then dial your operator.
548
00:25:14,515 --> 00:25:16,642
Call me.
549
00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,810
You call me.
550
00:25:18,852 --> 00:25:21,438
Um...
551
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,943
Uh, how? I mean, you...
you've got my phone.
552
00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:27,444
♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪
553
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,824
- Come here, Donny.
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
554
00:25:32,866 --> 00:25:35,702
There's two sides right there.
We can share, buddy.
555
00:25:35,744 --> 00:25:38,330
No, we can't. Dude, get off.
556
00:25:38,372 --> 00:25:40,999
I'm touching your dick right now.
I can literally feel your balls.
557
00:25:41,041 --> 00:25:43,168
- That's you?
- Yes.
558
00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:46,296
Boys. I have to go to the bathroom.
559
00:25:46,338 --> 00:25:47,506
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
560
00:25:47,548 --> 00:25:48,507
[SNARLING]
561
00:25:48,549 --> 00:25:49,800
Holy shit, Sam.
562
00:25:49,842 --> 00:25:51,844
Why do you always have
to be an asshole?
563
00:25:51,885 --> 00:25:53,512
[EXHALES]
564
00:25:53,554 --> 00:25:55,681
Oh, my God.
565
00:25:57,724 --> 00:26:00,602
- Gerald, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. What's up, Aiymah?
566
00:26:00,644 --> 00:26:02,729
Look, uh, I knew the day
would come eventually
567
00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:04,356
where I would have
to tell you the truth.
568
00:26:04,398 --> 00:26:06,191
Baby, listen. I was not lying.
569
00:26:06,233 --> 00:26:08,110
A lot of girls
like the Cleveland Steamers,
570
00:26:08,151 --> 00:26:10,445
- and I didn't mean to ruin your blanket.
- Gerald, I'm not talking about that.
571
00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:13,448
And you know I was feeling that.
572
00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:15,409
Look, my name is not Aiymah.
573
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:18,412
I'm not who you think I am, okay?
I'm actually...
574
00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:20,998
I'm an agent working deep undercover.
575
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,916
I've worked with you for years, Aiymah.
576
00:26:22,958 --> 00:26:24,668
I'm pretty sure I would know
577
00:26:24,710 --> 00:26:27,838
if you was anything other
than a fine-ass, sexy-ass,
578
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,634
thick-ass, good-looking-ass,
fly-ass sexy dancer.
579
00:26:32,676 --> 00:26:36,054
Look, my name is Danny Trejo,
and I work for the U.S. government.
580
00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:39,391
The fuck are you talking about?
Your name is not Danny Trejo.
581
00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:44,897
Your name is Aiymah Agent,
and you are not an agent.
582
00:26:44,938 --> 00:26:47,232
Think about it.
583
00:26:48,817 --> 00:26:50,569
{\an8}WOMAN'S VOICE: Danny Trejo.
584
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:53,322
Maybe this will clear it up.
585
00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:55,324
What the hell is going on here?
586
00:26:55,365 --> 00:26:57,826
I told you I was undercover.
587
00:26:57,868 --> 00:27:02,915
No. But we... we did... Oh, my God.
588
00:27:02,956 --> 00:27:05,459
There's no time for that now.
I have reason to believe
589
00:27:05,501 --> 00:27:09,880
there's a party pooper at this party,
and nobody likes a party pooper.
590
00:27:09,922 --> 00:27:12,883
Everybody at this party is in danger.
591
00:27:12,925 --> 00:27:14,426
I need your help.
592
00:27:14,468 --> 00:27:16,595
- Why me?
- Isn't it obvious?
593
00:27:16,637 --> 00:27:20,307
I know you're ex-military.
I could really use your skills.
594
00:27:22,893 --> 00:27:25,270
- [SIGHS]
- [BREASTS BUBBLING]
595
00:27:41,495 --> 00:27:44,039
Okay, unless I get to punch my mom
in the face at the end of this line,
596
00:27:44,081 --> 00:27:46,333
- I don't wanna be here.
- Honestly, wax dips are really good
597
00:27:46,375 --> 00:27:49,211
at exfoliating hands
and moisturizing your cuticles.
598
00:27:49,253 --> 00:27:51,880
Okay, can I give you
a little piece of advice?
599
00:27:51,922 --> 00:27:53,173
You should never fucking say that again.
600
00:27:53,215 --> 00:27:56,218
Oh, wax hands? Hell, yeah, dude.
I'm cutting in. Look out.
601
00:27:56,260 --> 00:27:58,387
Whoops. Excuse me. Pardon me.
602
00:27:58,428 --> 00:28:01,390
Yeah, so, uh, you figure out
who you're banging yet or what?
603
00:28:01,431 --> 00:28:04,184
- And I'm out of here.
- No. Not yet. Fuck is her problem?
604
00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:07,479
Dude, I know the secret
you've been hiding from me.
605
00:28:07,521 --> 00:28:09,022
What are you talking about?
606
00:28:09,064 --> 00:28:11,024
Look, I've known for a while,
and, honestly,
607
00:28:11,066 --> 00:28:12,651
like, if I'm being honest with you,
it's pretty fucked up.
608
00:28:12,693 --> 00:28:14,528
Okay. I've been wanting
to tell you for a while.
609
00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:18,574
Save it, man. Save it, okay? I know
you're trying to hook up with Michelle.
610
00:28:18,615 --> 00:28:20,617
- What?
- Don't even try it with me right now.
611
00:28:20,659 --> 00:28:23,537
I'm being dead serious, okay?
You're supposed to be my best friend.
612
00:28:23,579 --> 00:28:25,998
And Michelle is...
She's like a sister to me, man.
613
00:28:26,039 --> 00:28:28,458
She is your literal sister.
614
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:29,918
Exactly.
615
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:31,545
Dude, I'm not trying
to hook up with Michelle.
616
00:28:31,587 --> 00:28:34,047
Don't fucking lie to me, man.
She's the only girl you talk to ever.
617
00:28:34,089 --> 00:28:36,466
Okay? So either you're trying
to hook up with her
618
00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:38,844
or you're fucking gay or something.
619
00:28:38,886 --> 00:28:41,763
Okay, well, I guess
you were gonna find out either way.
620
00:28:41,805 --> 00:28:44,474
I am...
621
00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:46,268
into your sister.
622
00:28:46,310 --> 00:28:48,353
I knew it, man. Fuck you, dude.
623
00:28:48,395 --> 00:28:50,439
- Okay, what, you're mad?
- Yeah, I'm mad at you, okay?
624
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,317
I'm mad because you lied to me.
I don't like being lied to.
625
00:28:53,358 --> 00:28:55,027
Don't lie to me.
626
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:56,862
Okay. I promise
I'll never lie to you again.
627
00:28:56,904 --> 00:28:58,113
- Okay.
- All right.
628
00:28:58,155 --> 00:28:59,823
Okay. I can't even stay mad at you.
Come on.
629
00:28:59,865 --> 00:29:02,951
And in terms of Michelle, dude,
you have my blessing. It's all good.
630
00:29:02,993 --> 00:29:07,247
As long as you treat her
with dignity and respect. Okay?
631
00:29:07,289 --> 00:29:09,291
I promise I won't even touch her.
632
00:29:09,333 --> 00:29:10,876
Okay. And a little pro tip for you.
633
00:29:10,918 --> 00:29:12,628
Next time you're out
on the dance floor over there,
634
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:15,172
take a finger... [WHISTLES] ...up the butt.
Just grazing the surface of it.
635
00:29:15,214 --> 00:29:17,424
She's gonna go crazy.
All right? Girls love that.
636
00:29:17,466 --> 00:29:19,051
She's your sister.
637
00:29:19,092 --> 00:29:20,594
{\an8}MAN'S VOICE: Nice.
638
00:29:20,636 --> 00:29:23,597
♪♪♪
639
00:29:23,639 --> 00:29:27,017
Dude, what's your deal, man?
Why are you acting so weird?
640
00:29:27,059 --> 00:29:30,979
We always double-team bitches.
Plus, Hannah is a total slut.
641
00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:33,357
Don't call her that, okay?
642
00:29:33,398 --> 00:29:36,902
What else should I call her? You know she
got finger blasted watching "Bill Nye"?
643
00:29:36,944 --> 00:29:38,153
Just don't dance with her.
644
00:29:38,195 --> 00:29:40,072
- And why not?
- Because.
645
00:29:40,113 --> 00:29:42,533
Oh, does baby Donny fucking "wike" her?
646
00:29:42,574 --> 00:29:44,868
No, dude, I don't like her, dude.
I don't like her.
647
00:29:44,910 --> 00:29:47,704
She's just, um... She's just...
She's got herpes.
648
00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:49,331
[RETCHING]
649
00:29:49,373 --> 00:29:52,376
- Oh, makes sense.
- Don't tell anyone, all right?
650
00:29:52,417 --> 00:29:53,669
- Oh, don't worry.
- Yeah.
651
00:29:53,710 --> 00:29:55,754
- I won't tell a soul.
- Yeah.
652
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:58,340
No. All right. Yeah.
653
00:29:58,382 --> 00:30:01,593
- Love you.
- All right. Go get it out there, man.
654
00:30:01,635 --> 00:30:04,012
Fuck, dude. Oh, my God.
655
00:30:04,054 --> 00:30:06,056
[DOOR OPENS]
656
00:30:07,391 --> 00:30:08,892
Oh, perfect.
657
00:30:08,934 --> 00:30:10,310
Oh, this is the last of 'em.
658
00:30:10,352 --> 00:30:13,355
Well, about damn time
the party giveaways arrived.
659
00:30:13,397 --> 00:30:16,149
Open them for me.
There should be hats and trophies.
660
00:30:16,191 --> 00:30:17,359
Hoo.
661
00:30:17,401 --> 00:30:20,863
Okay, just do this, all right?
I don't have time, okay?
662
00:30:23,282 --> 00:30:25,242
Okay.
663
00:30:25,284 --> 00:30:26,577
Mm.
664
00:30:28,579 --> 00:30:32,207
Mrs. Drucker,
I have bad news about the giveaways.
665
00:30:32,249 --> 00:30:33,333
What?
666
00:30:33,375 --> 00:30:37,212
Well, you wanted gold statues,
and they are not gold.
667
00:30:37,254 --> 00:30:38,839
They are a shiny purple.
668
00:30:38,881 --> 00:30:40,799
Okay, well, that's upsetting
and unfortunate,
669
00:30:40,841 --> 00:30:42,217
but, you know, I'll manage.
670
00:30:42,259 --> 00:30:46,305
Yes, but also the, uh, material,
they're not made of metal.
671
00:30:46,346 --> 00:30:49,850
It's actually more of, like,
a, uh... a rubberish.
672
00:30:49,892 --> 00:30:51,268
Well, that's strange.
673
00:30:51,310 --> 00:30:53,812
I mean, look, as long as they're
functional, I'm sure it's fine, you know.
674
00:30:53,854 --> 00:30:56,857
The kids are young. They're not gonna
really care what I give them.
675
00:30:56,899 --> 00:31:00,235
Yeah, but, you know,
I think when it was being transported,
676
00:31:00,277 --> 00:31:01,486
- the heat...
- Mm-hmm.
677
00:31:01,528 --> 00:31:07,618
...must have affected
the structural, um, foundation
678
00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:08,994
of the rubber.
679
00:31:09,036 --> 00:31:10,746
And also, there's, like...
They're attached to the hats.
680
00:31:10,787 --> 00:31:13,290
Okay, just shut up
and show me the damn things.
681
00:31:13,332 --> 00:31:15,083
Whoa.
682
00:31:28,096 --> 00:31:30,307
What the fuck is this?
683
00:31:30,349 --> 00:31:32,476
They look...
684
00:31:32,518 --> 00:31:33,769
good.
685
00:31:34,937 --> 00:31:37,564
Oh, my fucking God.
686
00:31:37,606 --> 00:31:39,900
Corsa. Love your dress.
687
00:31:39,942 --> 00:31:41,026
It's purple.
688
00:31:41,068 --> 00:31:42,110
- Yes.
- So pretty.
689
00:31:42,152 --> 00:31:44,738
VALET MIKE: Purple is theme of the night.
690
00:31:44,780 --> 00:31:46,031
SHERRYL: Love purple.
691
00:31:46,073 --> 00:31:48,700
Have a good one.
Um, we'll see you next weekend.
692
00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:49,826
Thanks. Bye.
693
00:31:49,868 --> 00:31:53,413
- VALET MIKE: Arriverdec.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
694
00:32:01,421 --> 00:32:03,757
- Hide these.
- They're gigantic.
695
00:32:04,716 --> 00:32:07,177
Figure it the fuck out.
696
00:32:07,219 --> 00:32:09,346
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
697
00:32:09,388 --> 00:32:13,308
MAN: ♪ We got the time
The evening is fine ♪
698
00:32:13,350 --> 00:32:16,812
♪ And so are you ♪
699
00:32:16,854 --> 00:32:19,106
Can I get another one of these?
700
00:32:19,147 --> 00:32:21,233
I love you. God hope...
701
00:32:21,275 --> 00:32:24,027
God hopes
that you end up looking like me.
702
00:32:24,069 --> 00:32:27,573
[CHUCKLES] Because, trust me,
703
00:32:27,614 --> 00:32:30,617
there's a lot of men who wanna fuck me.
704
00:32:34,955 --> 00:32:38,125
Hey, gang, you know
what would be a swell, swell idea?
705
00:32:38,166 --> 00:32:41,753
Is if we finish our drinks
over a game of "Never Have I Ever."
706
00:32:41,795 --> 00:32:44,756
Oh, that's fab. I Iove that idea.
707
00:32:44,798 --> 00:32:47,384
I'll start. Um, all right. Let's see.
708
00:32:47,426 --> 00:32:50,137
Never have I ever had an affair.
709
00:32:50,179 --> 00:32:53,557
Well, Nancy and I aren't
staying sober for this game.
710
00:32:53,599 --> 00:32:56,685
[LAUGHTER]
711
00:32:56,727 --> 00:33:01,690
Me next. Okay. Um, never have I ever...
712
00:33:01,732 --> 00:33:03,317
eaten out a girl before.
713
00:33:03,358 --> 00:33:05,235
Well, that's not really fair
to the guys, hon.
714
00:33:05,277 --> 00:33:08,739
Okay, fine. Um, if you're a guy,
never have I ever blown a guy.
715
00:33:08,780 --> 00:33:10,282
It's still not fair.
716
00:33:10,324 --> 00:33:13,785
Mrs. Wang. Mrs. Wang, you scoundrel.
717
00:33:13,827 --> 00:33:16,163
Honey, are you serious?
When did this happen?
718
00:33:16,205 --> 00:33:19,124
- I was drunk and in high school.
- MR. WANG: Keep it in high school.
719
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:20,959
NANCY: Mr. Wang, it's your turn.
720
00:33:21,001 --> 00:33:23,629
Okay. Um...
721
00:33:23,670 --> 00:33:26,048
Never have I ever...
722
00:33:28,175 --> 00:33:31,220
had sauerkraut.
723
00:33:31,261 --> 00:33:32,804
[SLURPING]
724
00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:34,890
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- BOY: Ow! My glasses.
725
00:33:34,932 --> 00:33:38,810
Fucking wild. That's not how you play.
Mrs. Wang, you're next.
726
00:33:38,852 --> 00:33:44,233
Oh, okay. Um, never have I ever...
727
00:33:44,274 --> 00:33:45,817
done anal.
728
00:33:45,859 --> 00:33:48,487
Are you serious? You've never done anal?
729
00:33:48,529 --> 00:33:52,991
Oh! It is the... It is the best.
It's amazing. Tell 'em, Nance.
730
00:33:53,033 --> 00:33:54,535
I hate it.
731
00:33:56,703 --> 00:33:57,829
It's incredible.
732
00:33:57,871 --> 00:34:00,499
Oh, my God. I love this game.
Who's next? Gary?
733
00:34:00,541 --> 00:34:03,210
Never have I ever watched
my brother masturbate.
734
00:34:03,252 --> 00:34:05,504
- Oh.
- Shit.
735
00:34:05,546 --> 00:34:06,672
{\an8}MAN'S VOICE: Rad.
736
00:34:06,713 --> 00:34:07,881
You're really a soft touch.
737
00:34:07,923 --> 00:34:09,466
- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey, sweetie.
738
00:34:09,507 --> 00:34:12,052
- Listen. I got to ask you something.
- Yeah.
739
00:34:12,094 --> 00:34:13,846
It might be kind of a stupid question.
740
00:34:13,887 --> 00:34:17,516
But back there, um,
you used a condom, right?
741
00:34:17,558 --> 00:34:19,434
Uh, yeah, that is a stupid question.
742
00:34:19,476 --> 00:34:21,645
Okay. Good. All right.
743
00:34:21,687 --> 00:34:23,522
It's a load off my mind.
744
00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,357
Look, I cannot stop thinking about you.
745
00:34:25,399 --> 00:34:29,027
You and I did stuff that, like,
I haven't even seen in the weirdest porn.
746
00:34:29,069 --> 00:34:32,281
You, like, put a plunger
into my butthole, so...
747
00:34:32,322 --> 00:34:34,032
- I was like...
- Awesome.
748
00:34:34,074 --> 00:34:35,242
Yeah. I did do that.
749
00:34:35,284 --> 00:34:38,661
So I think we should probably just clarify
that that was a onetime thing.
750
00:34:38,704 --> 00:34:41,790
You know? Just, uh,
one-and-done kind of thing.
751
00:34:41,831 --> 00:34:43,917
- Yeah, I think I'm in love with you.
- Oh. Okay.
752
00:34:43,958 --> 00:34:45,127
Here's the thing.
753
00:34:45,168 --> 00:34:51,216
Um, I am a mature woman, Bobby,
and you are a child.
754
00:34:51,257 --> 00:34:52,301
- A man.
- Child.
755
00:34:52,342 --> 00:34:53,302
- I'm a man.
- Okay.
756
00:34:53,342 --> 00:34:56,972
I'm an adult man, and I can handle
anything you throw my way.
757
00:34:57,014 --> 00:34:58,473
- I see.
- You know?
758
00:34:58,515 --> 00:35:00,767
- Okay.
- Are we done?
759
00:35:01,935 --> 00:35:03,187
Oh, my God.
760
00:35:03,228 --> 00:35:04,730
Do you wanna dance later?
761
00:35:04,771 --> 00:35:05,814
- I don't.
- Okay.
762
00:35:05,856 --> 00:35:07,691
But I'm gonna go over there anyway.
You can stay here.
763
00:35:07,733 --> 00:35:10,027
- I'll get you for one of the slow dances.
- Don't.
764
00:35:10,068 --> 00:35:12,112
Um...[LAUGHS]
765
00:35:13,822 --> 00:35:16,909
Never have I ever put
a Denver omelet up my ass.
766
00:35:18,911 --> 00:35:20,245
Goddamn it.
767
00:35:21,246 --> 00:35:22,956
Okay, have you guys
seen Mitch anywhere?
768
00:35:22,998 --> 00:35:24,875
I have been looking all over for him.
769
00:35:24,917 --> 00:35:26,543
GARY: No, I haven't seen him.
770
00:35:26,585 --> 00:35:28,378
Well, this is just great.
I can't find my husband.
771
00:35:28,420 --> 00:35:30,672
Gerald's nowhere to be found.
Everything's a fucking mess.
772
00:35:30,714 --> 00:35:32,966
Relax, Sherryl.
Everyone's having a good time.
773
00:35:33,008 --> 00:35:33,967
TOM: Yeah!
774
00:35:34,009 --> 00:35:36,845
No. Snowball was supposed
to start 30 minutes ago.
775
00:35:36,887 --> 00:35:40,557
Okay, does anyone have a cellphone
I can use? I need to call him.
776
00:35:40,599 --> 00:35:41,850
Okay.
777
00:35:41,892 --> 00:35:44,728
- [SLURPING]
- Useless piece of shit.
778
00:35:44,770 --> 00:35:46,230
[CELLPHONE RINGTONE PLAYING]
779
00:35:46,271 --> 00:35:48,690
Oh, I love this song!
780
00:35:48,732 --> 00:35:51,401
[HUMMING ALONG TO RINGTONE]
781
00:35:51,443 --> 00:35:52,569
Oh!
782
00:35:52,611 --> 00:35:58,492
[HUMMING CONTINUES]
783
00:35:58,534 --> 00:35:59,743
[BELCHES]
784
00:35:59,785 --> 00:36:04,248
[LIQUID GUSHING]
785
00:36:05,749 --> 00:36:07,709
[FARTS] Ooh!
786
00:36:11,171 --> 00:36:13,298
Oh, look. I found Mitch's phone.
787
00:36:13,340 --> 00:36:14,842
- [CELLPHONE BUZZING]
- GARY: Oh!
788
00:36:14,883 --> 00:36:16,218
- Oh, it's right here.
- Here it is.
789
00:36:16,260 --> 00:36:18,929
Of course. Only Mitch would be
stupid enough to leave it under a plate.
790
00:36:18,971 --> 00:36:21,849
Who does that? Get it together, Sherryl.
791
00:36:21,890 --> 00:36:24,518
All right,
all you beautiful people out there.
792
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,397
Let's cool it down here
with my favorite part of the night.
793
00:36:28,438 --> 00:36:31,650
A Snowball dance.
794
00:36:31,692 --> 00:36:34,611
{\an8}WOMAN: ♪ Can you make me go
ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh? ♪
795
00:36:34,653 --> 00:36:37,197
{\an8}♪ Do you think
you can touch me in my hot spot? ♪
796
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:39,491
{\an8}♪ I wanna know
do you wanna spend the night ♪
797
00:36:39,533 --> 00:36:43,871
{\an8}♪ So we can make love on the floor ♪
798
00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:47,541
{\an8}♪ Yes, with you all night ♪
799
00:36:50,169 --> 00:36:52,004
Sorry your parents are getting a divorce.
800
00:36:52,045 --> 00:36:54,089
Yeah. I finally convinced them.
801
00:36:54,131 --> 00:36:55,716
God, you're so lucky.
802
00:36:55,757 --> 00:36:58,302
I mean, I wish my parents
would just get divorced already.
803
00:36:58,343 --> 00:37:00,470
Why? They look really happy.
804
00:37:00,512 --> 00:37:02,556
Yeah, that's just my mom's Botox.
805
00:37:02,598 --> 00:37:06,143
My parents haven't even as little
as, like, held hands in a decade.
806
00:37:06,185 --> 00:37:07,477
Oh, that sucks.
807
00:37:07,519 --> 00:37:09,521
I mean, your dad's really hot.
I would hold his hand.
808
00:37:09,563 --> 00:37:11,523
That's really fucking gross, man.
809
00:37:15,903 --> 00:37:17,613
Oh, what the fuck?
810
00:37:17,654 --> 00:37:20,199
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck is he doing?
811
00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:23,869
You know Bobby. I have no idea.
812
00:37:23,911 --> 00:37:25,704
- Hey. Bobby.
- Yeah.
813
00:37:25,746 --> 00:37:27,456
- We need to talk.
- Hey.
814
00:37:27,497 --> 00:37:30,626
Holy shit. Your tits are huge.
815
00:37:30,667 --> 00:37:31,877
- Aren't they?
- Yeah.
816
00:37:31,919 --> 00:37:33,879
Yeah. Because I'm pregnant.
817
00:37:33,921 --> 00:37:37,424
Hey. Wow. Very cool. Mazel. Mazel.
818
00:37:37,466 --> 00:37:38,425
- No.
- That's cool.
819
00:37:38,467 --> 00:37:40,844
Mazel... No. You're the father, Bobby.
820
00:37:40,886 --> 00:37:43,096
[LAUGHS]
821
00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,806
Ah, de-de-de. Come here.
822
00:37:44,848 --> 00:37:46,600
- What the fuck?
- What are you doing?
823
00:37:46,642 --> 00:37:49,603
Bobby, how did this happen?
You told me you used a condom.
824
00:37:49,645 --> 00:37:52,397
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- Uh, yeah, you did.
825
00:37:52,439 --> 00:37:54,274
I said, "Did you use a condom?"
826
00:37:54,316 --> 00:37:56,026
and you said that was a stupid question.
827
00:37:56,068 --> 00:37:59,571
Yeah, because that is a stupid question.
A condom? What, am I 11?
828
00:37:59,613 --> 00:38:01,740
Wow. Do you have any idea
what you've done?
829
00:38:01,782 --> 00:38:03,951
Yeah. I fucked a kid into your stomach.
830
00:38:03,992 --> 00:38:06,286
This is... This is incredible.
831
00:38:06,328 --> 00:38:08,330
Okay, look,
I've always wanted to be a dad.
832
00:38:08,372 --> 00:38:11,500
Okay? So, like, this is cool with me,
you know.
833
00:38:11,542 --> 00:38:14,878
And, plus, I've always wanted
to have a son named Squirtle.
834
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,506
Wow. That is the dumbest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
835
00:38:17,548 --> 00:38:21,718
You're not gonna have any part
of this child's life. Okay?
836
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,179
Whoa, whoa. Hey, wait.
What are you talking about?
837
00:38:24,221 --> 00:38:26,390
I'm gonna be a great dad.
I'm gonna be a great dad.
838
00:38:26,431 --> 00:38:30,310
- No. Absolutely not. No, no, no.
- Fuck. Susie. Susie.
839
00:38:31,353 --> 00:38:33,564
Squirtle.
840
00:38:33,605 --> 00:38:35,691
- [RATTLING]
- [BABY COOS]
841
00:38:41,530 --> 00:38:43,574
Slow dancing is so awkward.
842
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:46,410
Yeah.
843
00:38:48,579 --> 00:38:52,624
It's like...
What are we even supposed to talk about?
844
00:38:52,666 --> 00:38:54,126
I don't know.
845
00:39:01,425 --> 00:39:05,345
So, um, how are you doing
in school this year?
846
00:39:05,387 --> 00:39:07,639
I don't know. Fine, I guess. Why?
847
00:39:07,681 --> 00:39:09,808
I don't know. I was just wondering.
848
00:39:29,328 --> 00:39:32,372
How do you like this song? Sugar tits.
849
00:39:32,414 --> 00:39:34,833
- What did you just say?
- I'm so sorry. No, no. I just... I just...
850
00:39:34,875 --> 00:39:37,294
Did you just call me sugar tits?
851
00:39:37,336 --> 00:39:39,379
Maybe. Maybe.
But I really don't remember what I said.
852
00:39:39,421 --> 00:39:41,131
- It wasn't anything like...
- Donny.
853
00:39:41,173 --> 00:39:44,092
My dad used to call me that.
854
00:39:53,852 --> 00:39:57,564
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
855
00:39:57,606 --> 00:40:01,485
it's time to get funky!
856
00:40:01,527 --> 00:40:05,739
[FUNK PLAYING]
857
00:40:05,781 --> 00:40:08,242
Wait. Don't...
Don't you wanna stay and dance?
858
00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:11,745
Not to this. Go tell them
to change it back to good music.
859
00:40:11,787 --> 00:40:12,955
Yeah.
860
00:40:14,831 --> 00:40:17,543
♪♪♪
861
00:40:26,218 --> 00:40:27,719
Let's go dance.
862
00:40:33,433 --> 00:40:34,685
No.
863
00:40:42,234 --> 00:40:45,070
- Whoo!
- What's going on?
864
00:40:45,112 --> 00:40:46,363
Uh-uh.
865
00:40:46,405 --> 00:40:48,365
Mom. Mom.
866
00:40:48,407 --> 00:40:50,033
Can we change the music
back to my music?
867
00:40:50,075 --> 00:40:52,369
What? Donny.
You've had your music on the whole night.
868
00:40:52,411 --> 00:40:54,454
Us adults need to celebrate
your party, too.
869
00:40:54,496 --> 00:40:55,914
I suggest you walk away
and find your friends.
870
00:40:55,956 --> 00:40:57,875
Okay, but, look,
I don't even know where they went. Okay?
871
00:40:57,916 --> 00:40:59,877
And this is my party,
and I haven't even gotten to, like...
872
00:40:59,918 --> 00:41:02,421
Okay, this conversation is over.
873
00:41:02,462 --> 00:41:03,964
Thank you.
874
00:41:04,006 --> 00:41:05,716
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
875
00:41:05,757 --> 00:41:07,551
Great party, too.
876
00:41:07,593 --> 00:41:09,511
Ohh!
877
00:41:11,054 --> 00:41:12,931
What a bunch of hypocrites.
878
00:41:12,973 --> 00:41:14,892
Oh. And why are they hypocrites?
879
00:41:14,933 --> 00:41:17,352
They spend their whole lives
telling us to grow up.
880
00:41:17,394 --> 00:41:19,438
How are we supposed to know how to grow up
when they act like this?
881
00:41:19,479 --> 00:41:23,066
Is this what being an adult is like?
Acting like a drunken child?
882
00:41:23,108 --> 00:41:26,069
You are just a ray of sunshine,
aren't you?
883
00:41:26,111 --> 00:41:27,487
Yeah.
884
00:41:27,529 --> 00:41:29,072
[LAUGHS] Okay.
885
00:41:29,114 --> 00:41:31,283
Since when do you smoke?
886
00:41:31,325 --> 00:41:33,327
Since I found out my dad does.
887
00:41:33,368 --> 00:41:36,413
Your dad smokes?
Oh, my God. That's so fucking hot.
888
00:41:36,455 --> 00:41:38,081
- Yeah. Yeah he smokes.
- Oh, my God.
889
00:41:38,123 --> 00:41:39,917
And it's not hot. My dad is not hot.
890
00:41:39,958 --> 00:41:43,962
He's a degenerate,
Appletini-drinking narcissist.
891
00:41:44,004 --> 00:41:46,256
He drinks Appletinis?
892
00:41:46,298 --> 00:41:50,093
Yes. I mean, I'm sure he needs it
to put up with my bitch of a mother.
893
00:41:50,135 --> 00:41:52,137
Michelle, it's always
a pleasure talking to you.
894
00:41:52,179 --> 00:41:54,348
Just kidding. You're a bitch.
But, uh, if you don't mind,
895
00:41:54,389 --> 00:41:57,184
I'm going to actually try
and enjoy my evening.
896
00:41:57,226 --> 00:41:59,686
Uh, so excuse me.
897
00:42:02,064 --> 00:42:04,233
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- BOY: Ow! My glasses!
898
00:42:05,234 --> 00:42:06,818
Can I trust you?
899
00:42:06,860 --> 00:42:08,445
No.
900
00:42:09,238 --> 00:42:10,239
Fine.
901
00:42:15,285 --> 00:42:18,121
Holy shit.
902
00:42:18,163 --> 00:42:21,250
So, who is this Party Pooper?
903
00:42:21,291 --> 00:42:23,794
Well, he goes by the name of Vaal Dh'o.
904
00:42:23,836 --> 00:42:25,629
Vaal Dh'o?
905
00:42:25,671 --> 00:42:27,297
I thought he was a myth.
906
00:42:27,339 --> 00:42:32,135
No. The story goes he was
a foreign exchange student from Russia.
907
00:42:32,177 --> 00:42:35,806
At 13, he was invited
to his first big party,
908
00:42:35,848 --> 00:42:37,641
and nobody knows
why or how it happened.
909
00:42:37,683 --> 00:42:40,060
But halfway through the night,
he shit his pants.
910
00:42:40,102 --> 00:42:41,562
- No!
- Yeah.
911
00:42:41,603 --> 00:42:43,397
Three people died that night,
912
00:42:43,438 --> 00:42:45,732
and he hasn't been invited
to a bar mitzvah since.
913
00:42:45,774 --> 00:42:48,402
So now he spends his days
taking vengeance
914
00:42:48,443 --> 00:42:52,656
on all the parties he wasn't able to enjoy
by being a party pooper.
915
00:42:52,698 --> 00:42:54,992
What a monster.
916
00:42:55,033 --> 00:42:56,577
You gotta help me find him.
917
00:42:56,618 --> 00:42:59,162
He's already shat at two bar mitzvahs
this month.
918
00:42:59,204 --> 00:43:01,498
Now you know how serious this is.
919
00:43:01,540 --> 00:43:03,375
Okay. Okay.
920
00:43:03,417 --> 00:43:05,878
So, do we have any idea
what this man looks like?
921
00:43:05,919 --> 00:43:07,171
Any other leads?
922
00:43:07,212 --> 00:43:08,797
Unfortunately,
he's a master of blending in,
923
00:43:08,839 --> 00:43:12,426
so it's hard to locate him, but we know
he has poor vision and a bad knee.
924
00:43:12,467 --> 00:43:15,345
Poor vision. Bad knee.
925
00:43:15,387 --> 00:43:16,638
Yeah.
926
00:43:17,598 --> 00:43:18,974
Hold on a sec.
927
00:43:19,016 --> 00:43:20,392
Wait.
928
00:43:22,769 --> 00:43:24,146
[PHONE BEEPING]
929
00:43:24,188 --> 00:43:25,439
[LINE RINGING]
930
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:27,149
MAN: Suicide prevention. Please hold.
931
00:43:27,191 --> 00:43:28,358
Hoo-ah!
932
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,360
[HORN HONKS]
933
00:43:31,862 --> 00:43:34,489
♪♪♪
934
00:43:36,325 --> 00:43:39,203
[HORN HONKS, DOG BARKS]
935
00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:44,374
DADDY: No sandwiches when I get home.
I want a hot meal!
936
00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:46,502
- KAREN: Ouch! You're hurting me!
- Shut up, Karen!
937
00:43:46,543 --> 00:43:48,545
- Daddy, stop!
- I said shut up!
938
00:43:48,587 --> 00:43:51,715
- You're hurting me!
- I said shut the fuck up!
939
00:43:51,757 --> 00:43:53,800
[GUNSHOT]
940
00:43:53,842 --> 00:43:57,387
[BEEPING]
941
00:43:57,429 --> 00:43:59,640
Prick it. Pull it. Fuck it.
942
00:44:03,393 --> 00:44:05,187
Oh, my God, Gerald.
You're actually doing it.
943
00:44:05,229 --> 00:44:07,022
AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: You've got mail.
944
00:44:07,064 --> 00:44:11,610
[MOANING]
945
00:44:13,654 --> 00:44:19,910
[ROARING]
946
00:44:22,871 --> 00:44:24,831
Holy shit, Gerald. You did it.
This is our guy.
947
00:44:24,873 --> 00:44:26,458
Well, what now?
948
00:44:26,500 --> 00:44:29,294
It's time we get Vaal Dh'o.
949
00:44:29,336 --> 00:44:33,298
♪♪♪
950
00:44:42,516 --> 00:44:44,101
[SNORTING]
951
00:44:49,565 --> 00:44:50,899
[SNORTS]
952
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,217
Bobby, please, okay?
I really need your help.
953
00:45:17,259 --> 00:45:20,137
All right? We need to find a way
to change the music back to my music.
954
00:45:20,179 --> 00:45:21,889
Donny, I can't deal
with this shit right now.
955
00:45:21,930 --> 00:45:24,600
I'm serious. All right?
So just go bother Michelle or something.
956
00:45:24,641 --> 00:45:25,601
Please. Yeah?
957
00:45:25,642 --> 00:45:28,228
- All right. Yeah. Yeah.
- Please. Thank you.
958
00:45:30,272 --> 00:45:32,107
Bobby, what are you doing at my table?
959
00:45:32,149 --> 00:45:35,527
Susie. Hey. How you doing?
Uh, I gotta talk to you.
960
00:45:35,569 --> 00:45:37,446
No. We have nothing to talk about.
961
00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:39,656
- I wanna be Squirtle's dad.
- Oh, my God.
962
00:45:39,698 --> 00:45:42,576
I do. I wanna raise him as my own.
He's our son.
963
00:45:42,618 --> 00:45:47,581
That deejay is a talent. Oh, my God.
He's a gift from the heavens.
964
00:45:47,623 --> 00:45:51,460
So, uh, what are you two people
talking about over here?
965
00:45:51,502 --> 00:45:53,545
Nothing. Bobby was just leaving.
966
00:45:53,587 --> 00:45:55,589
Oh, come on, I just got here.
Bobby, don't go.
967
00:45:55,631 --> 00:45:57,925
Yeah, Susie, why is Bobby leaving? Huh?
968
00:45:57,966 --> 00:46:01,929
I mean, I think that I should be able
to stay here and hang out with Gary.
969
00:46:01,970 --> 00:46:03,764
- Don't you?
- Yeah, Suse, I agree.
970
00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:05,349
I think I should make the choice myself.
971
00:46:05,390 --> 00:46:08,936
Yeah. Well, you know,
what I think is best for Gary
972
00:46:08,977 --> 00:46:13,190
is if you weren't here 'cause you
don't know the first thing about Gary.
973
00:46:13,232 --> 00:46:16,401
Okay, yeah, well, be that as it may,
I mean, I can still learn, couldn't I?
974
00:46:16,443 --> 00:46:18,403
- Just kind of like you did.
- Yeah. I learned.
975
00:46:18,445 --> 00:46:23,033
After many, many sleepless nights
because Gary is up all night crying.
976
00:46:23,075 --> 00:46:25,369
Suse, I wasn't... I guess I was crying.
977
00:46:25,410 --> 00:46:28,956
Look, do you know how many fucking diapers
Gary goes through in one day?
978
00:46:28,997 --> 00:46:30,958
Suse, that is private. That is off-limits.
979
00:46:30,999 --> 00:46:32,626
By the way, Bobby, I'm down to five.
980
00:46:32,668 --> 00:46:36,255
Consider this a favor, okay?
Nobody wants a Gary.
981
00:46:36,296 --> 00:46:38,465
All right? There's nothing fun about Gary.
982
00:46:38,507 --> 00:46:39,967
I like to clean out the tub.
983
00:46:40,008 --> 00:46:42,010
Well, look, if you hate Gary so much,
984
00:46:42,052 --> 00:46:44,137
then maybe you should
just get rid of him, right?
985
00:46:44,179 --> 00:46:46,723
Yeah, I would if I could.
I think it's a little too late now.
986
00:46:46,765 --> 00:46:48,183
I don't think so.
987
00:46:48,225 --> 00:46:53,188
All right. What the heckity heck heck
heck heck heck hell is going on here?
988
00:46:54,815 --> 00:46:56,316
Gary, I'm pregnant.
989
00:46:58,026 --> 00:46:59,987
What?
990
00:47:00,028 --> 00:47:01,321
It's a baby, Gary.
991
00:47:01,363 --> 00:47:04,658
A baby? That's what that is. Pregnant?
992
00:47:04,700 --> 00:47:09,955
Oh, my God. This is... I'm numb,
yet I'm... yet I'm so full of life.
993
00:47:09,997 --> 00:47:12,624
I'm over the moon,
yet I'm under the stars.
994
00:47:12,666 --> 00:47:14,293
Look, uh, congratulations, you guys.
995
00:47:14,334 --> 00:47:16,545
- GARY: Thank you so much.
- I am so, so happy
996
00:47:16,587 --> 00:47:18,630
for the thing
that you guys did together.
997
00:47:18,672 --> 00:47:20,924
Alone. Just the two of you.
998
00:47:20,966 --> 00:47:22,968
Yeah. Congrats, guys.
I'll see you out there.
999
00:47:23,010 --> 00:47:24,761
[SNIFFLES] We'll see you out there.
1000
00:47:26,889 --> 00:47:29,516
Honey, this is amazing. I mean...
1001
00:47:29,558 --> 00:47:32,227
It's a miracle.
I don't think we've had sex in years.
1002
00:47:34,354 --> 00:47:36,356
ERIC: Dude, dude, check it out.
1003
00:47:37,900 --> 00:47:40,903
- Ooh!
- So hot.
1004
00:47:40,944 --> 00:47:43,447
Holy shit.
1005
00:47:43,488 --> 00:47:46,700
- That was really fucking hot.
- CHASE: Hell, yeah.
1006
00:47:46,742 --> 00:47:49,036
Okay. Um...
1007
00:47:49,077 --> 00:47:51,079
- GIRL: I think it's called a dyke.
- Capowitz.
1008
00:47:51,121 --> 00:47:52,956
Truth or dare.
1009
00:47:52,998 --> 00:47:54,583
Um, truth.
1010
00:47:54,625 --> 00:47:56,210
Pussy.
1011
00:47:56,251 --> 00:47:57,711
Oh, my God.
1012
00:47:57,753 --> 00:47:59,963
Okay. Is it true
that you've got a big dick?
1013
00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:01,298
Wait. What?
1014
00:48:01,340 --> 00:48:05,010
Rumor is you have a big dick.
Is it true?
1015
00:48:05,052 --> 00:48:07,054
I don't know. I... I guess so.
1016
00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:08,805
SAM: You're a liar, Capowitz.
1017
00:48:08,847 --> 00:48:10,390
Wait. What?
1018
00:48:10,432 --> 00:48:12,935
- [CHANTING] Show us your dick!
- Show us your dick!
1019
00:48:12,976 --> 00:48:15,354
Show us your dick!
1020
00:48:15,395 --> 00:48:17,064
Show us your dick!
1021
00:48:17,105 --> 00:48:18,857
Show us your dick!
1022
00:48:18,899 --> 00:48:20,400
Show us your dick!
1023
00:48:20,442 --> 00:48:22,569
I'm not showing you all my dick.
I'm out of here.
1024
00:48:22,611 --> 00:48:25,656
- Aw!
- Pussy!
1025
00:48:25,697 --> 00:48:27,533
SAM: Oh, shit!
1026
00:48:27,574 --> 00:48:31,036
Oh, what are you,
some sort of monster?
1027
00:48:31,078 --> 00:48:33,539
That's gotta be
at least three and a half inches.
1028
00:48:33,580 --> 00:48:36,208
Geez. Pull your pants up.
1029
00:48:36,250 --> 00:48:38,043
TOM: Oh ho ho ho!
1030
00:48:38,085 --> 00:48:40,170
Oh, yes!
1031
00:48:40,212 --> 00:48:42,130
Yes!
1032
00:48:42,172 --> 00:48:43,924
Let's fucking do it!
1033
00:48:43,966 --> 00:48:45,551
What's that? What do I have to do?
1034
00:48:45,592 --> 00:48:48,846
You have to do a beer bong
up your ass.
1035
00:48:48,887 --> 00:48:50,472
MAN: Yeah!
1036
00:48:50,514 --> 00:48:52,474
Yeah, baby. It is amazing.
1037
00:48:52,516 --> 00:48:56,186
Trust me. You will get
totally messed up, guaranteed.
1038
00:48:56,228 --> 00:48:57,896
What, are you crazy? I'm not doing that.
1039
00:48:57,938 --> 00:49:00,858
I know it might seem weird
for a person from your country,
1040
00:49:00,899 --> 00:49:03,277
but it's very common practice
here in America.
1041
00:49:03,318 --> 00:49:06,780
I am an American. I'm from Jersey.
This is not common practice.
1042
00:49:06,822 --> 00:49:09,157
Come on. Don't be such a stiff.
1043
00:49:09,199 --> 00:49:12,077
Get off of me.
Who the hell made this stupid game?
1044
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:14,204
Uh, I did. [SNIFFS]
1045
00:49:14,246 --> 00:49:15,914
You know what? I tried.
1046
00:49:15,956 --> 00:49:18,041
I tried really hard
to go along with the night,
1047
00:49:18,083 --> 00:49:21,003
but you people are sick in the head.
1048
00:49:21,044 --> 00:49:23,922
Drinking beer through your ass? Seriously?
1049
00:49:23,964 --> 00:49:27,593
This isn't a party. This is a whorehouse.
1050
00:49:27,634 --> 00:49:30,554
[EXHALES] My wife and I will be
leaving now. Come on, honey. Let's go.
1051
00:49:30,596 --> 00:49:31,972
- I'll do it.
- What?
1052
00:49:32,014 --> 00:49:34,224
I'll boof the beer.
1053
00:49:34,266 --> 00:49:37,144
All right! Step right on over!
1054
00:49:37,186 --> 00:49:38,770
Okay, I need your...
1055
00:49:38,812 --> 00:49:41,607
- Now, you may feel a slight pinch.
- Okay.
1056
00:49:41,648 --> 00:49:43,609
Oh!
1057
00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:45,652
[DISTORTED] Oh!
1058
00:49:53,827 --> 00:49:55,370
[SNEEZES, FARTS]
1059
00:49:55,412 --> 00:49:56,872
[LIQUID FLOWING]
1060
00:49:56,914 --> 00:50:00,459
[SIGHS]
1061
00:50:02,294 --> 00:50:04,463
Wow.
1062
00:50:04,505 --> 00:50:05,881
Mazel Tov.
1063
00:50:08,634 --> 00:50:12,888
[CHEERING]
1064
00:50:12,930 --> 00:50:16,934
Mrs. Wang, you're a fucking legend.
1065
00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:18,143
Who's next?
1066
00:50:18,185 --> 00:50:21,021
Ohhh!
1067
00:50:22,689 --> 00:50:24,525
"Tell your kid he's adopted."
1068
00:50:24,566 --> 00:50:27,361
Yes, Gary. That one's for you, bro.
1069
00:50:27,402 --> 00:50:28,987
- I can't wait.
- Where's Sam?
1070
00:50:29,029 --> 00:50:30,364
Sammy.
1071
00:50:35,494 --> 00:50:38,872
Ooh. Ooh.
1072
00:50:38,914 --> 00:50:41,750
All right. Let's get this over with.
1073
00:50:41,792 --> 00:50:44,461
GIRL: I heard she has pubes.
1074
00:50:44,503 --> 00:50:47,798
Okay, look, I can't do this.
I'm gonna pass.
1075
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:51,677
You pass, you leave. We all have to play
by the same rules, Sam.
1076
00:50:51,718 --> 00:50:55,931
I'm not gonna do this, okay?
It's not fair, in my point of view.
1077
00:50:55,973 --> 00:50:59,184
You know why?
'Cause we all know Hannah has herpes.
1078
00:50:59,226 --> 00:51:02,312
And that means if I kiss her,
I'm gonna have herpes,
1079
00:51:02,354 --> 00:51:05,357
and I'm gonna die, okay?
Kick the bucket.
1080
00:51:05,399 --> 00:51:07,192
I don't have herpes.
1081
00:51:07,234 --> 00:51:09,278
Stop lying. We all know you do, man.
1082
00:51:09,319 --> 00:51:13,365
Hey, Donny. Yo, my boy.
Hannah has herpes, right?
1083
00:51:13,407 --> 00:51:14,950
What?
1084
00:51:14,992 --> 00:51:18,203
You said Hannah has herpes
and I shouldn't dance with her.
1085
00:51:18,245 --> 00:51:20,956
What the fuck?
Why are you telling people I have herpes?
1086
00:51:20,998 --> 00:51:23,667
Um, I can explain.
I did tell Sam that you have herpes,
1087
00:51:23,709 --> 00:51:25,669
but that's just because
I didn't want him to dance with you.
1088
00:51:25,711 --> 00:51:28,380
- What the hell is your problem?
- Um, that came out wrong.
1089
00:51:28,422 --> 00:51:31,008
I just... I wasn't ready to tell Sam
that you and I are, you know,
1090
00:51:31,049 --> 00:51:33,302
boyfriend and girlfriend, so I just said
the first thing that came to my head
1091
00:51:33,343 --> 00:51:36,346
- so he wouldn't dance with you.
- What are you talking about?
1092
00:51:36,388 --> 00:51:39,391
We are not boyfriend and girlfriend.
1093
00:51:39,433 --> 00:51:42,686
What, are... are you breaking up with me?
1094
00:51:42,728 --> 00:51:46,023
No. We were never boyfriend, girlfriend.
Are you crazy?
1095
00:51:46,064 --> 00:51:48,901
But last night on AOL,
you said you'd be my girlfriend.
1096
00:51:48,942 --> 00:51:51,195
No, I didn't. That never happened.
1097
00:51:51,236 --> 00:51:54,281
You said
"I knew I loved you before I met you."
1098
00:51:54,323 --> 00:51:57,868
Donny, that's my "away" message.
1099
00:51:57,910 --> 00:51:59,620
What?
1100
00:51:59,661 --> 00:52:02,372
You know. The automatic response
when I'm away from my computer.
1101
00:52:02,414 --> 00:52:04,374
I know what an "away" message is.
1102
00:52:04,416 --> 00:52:06,835
And by the way,
that's a weird "away" message to have.
1103
00:52:06,877 --> 00:52:09,004
It's a song...
1104
00:52:09,046 --> 00:52:10,380
by Savage Garden.
1105
00:52:10,422 --> 00:52:12,257
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
1106
00:52:12,299 --> 00:52:15,385
So, you, uh, don't wanna be my girlfriend?
1107
00:52:15,427 --> 00:52:16,428
SAM: Ooh!
1108
00:52:16,470 --> 00:52:17,804
Be your girlfriend?
1109
00:52:17,846 --> 00:52:20,432
You told everyone I have herpes.
You can go fuck yourself.
1110
00:52:20,474 --> 00:52:22,476
Oh, Donny, come on.
1111
00:52:22,518 --> 00:52:24,686
It was a mistake. I said I'm sorry.
1112
00:52:24,728 --> 00:52:27,439
I don't care if you're sorry.
You're an asshole.
1113
00:52:27,481 --> 00:52:29,233
I would never go out with you
in a million years.
1114
00:52:29,274 --> 00:52:31,610
- Ohh!
- Ooh!
1115
00:52:31,652 --> 00:52:34,571
Okay, yeah, well, at least
I didn't get finger blasted
1116
00:52:34,613 --> 00:52:36,240
watching "Bill Nye the Science Guy."
1117
00:52:36,281 --> 00:52:38,200
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
1118
00:52:38,242 --> 00:52:40,410
Hello! Hello!
1119
00:52:40,452 --> 00:52:42,287
- Ooh!
- Shit!
1120
00:52:42,329 --> 00:52:44,748
- What the fuck?
- Fuck you, Donny.
1121
00:52:44,790 --> 00:52:47,125
Ooh.
1122
00:52:47,167 --> 00:52:49,628
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
1123
00:52:49,670 --> 00:52:52,089
BOY: Dude, he's got a boner.
1124
00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,842
So, um...
1125
00:52:54,883 --> 00:52:58,846
I-I-I don't really know what to say here.
1126
00:53:00,806 --> 00:53:02,516
Does she or doesn't...
1127
00:53:04,226 --> 00:53:06,144
Oh, fuck.
1128
00:53:06,186 --> 00:53:09,273
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
1129
00:53:09,314 --> 00:53:11,358
Yo, I think I just found the giveaways.
1130
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:13,652
Hey, yo, bro,
maybe we shouldn't touch those.
1131
00:53:16,154 --> 00:53:17,573
What is it?
1132
00:53:17,614 --> 00:53:20,367
Really? You don't know what it is.
1133
00:53:22,202 --> 00:53:23,328
- It's a head sword.
- Really?
1134
00:53:23,370 --> 00:53:26,290
I wanna get one of these.
Everybody get one.
1135
00:53:26,331 --> 00:53:28,125
This is awesome.
1136
00:53:28,166 --> 00:53:30,335
Nice.
1137
00:53:30,377 --> 00:53:33,046
My mom has a bunch of these at home.
1138
00:53:35,841 --> 00:53:37,092
[CHUCKLES]
1139
00:53:45,851 --> 00:53:48,812
Damn, I don't see him anywhere.
You sure he's here?
1140
00:53:48,854 --> 00:53:50,981
AIYMAH: Positive.
We have to keep looking.
1141
00:53:51,023 --> 00:53:52,024
Okay.
1142
00:53:53,734 --> 00:53:55,194
[SQUISHING]
1143
00:54:05,162 --> 00:54:06,955
Still warm.
1144
00:54:12,085 --> 00:54:13,962
He's close.
1145
00:54:21,220 --> 00:54:22,221
BOY: Dad?
1146
00:54:26,892 --> 00:54:28,977
- Hey, Mr. Drucker.
- Oh, Je... Oh!
1147
00:54:29,019 --> 00:54:33,440
[CHUCKLES] Jesus, David.
You scared the shit out of me.
1148
00:54:33,482 --> 00:54:35,817
I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]
1149
00:54:35,859 --> 00:54:37,319
- [SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
1150
00:54:37,361 --> 00:54:39,404
That's okay.
What are you doing out here?
1151
00:54:39,446 --> 00:54:41,990
You know. Just getting some fresh air.
1152
00:54:42,032 --> 00:54:44,201
Yeah. Me, too.
1153
00:54:44,243 --> 00:54:46,870
Hey, that was quite a scene in there
on the dance floor, huh?
1154
00:54:46,912 --> 00:54:49,414
You got some serious moves, young man.
1155
00:54:49,456 --> 00:54:51,917
You're not half bad yourself.
1156
00:54:51,959 --> 00:54:53,752
Thanks. You know how it is.
1157
00:54:55,462 --> 00:54:56,964
Yes, I do.
1158
00:54:57,005 --> 00:54:59,842
Well, wha-what the hell
are you doing?
1159
00:54:59,883 --> 00:55:02,928
I think you know exactly what I'm doing.
1160
00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:06,807
Whoa! Ho! Whoa! David!
David, are you serious right now?
1161
00:55:06,849 --> 00:55:09,017
It's okay. Nobody's watching.
1162
00:55:09,059 --> 00:55:11,144
Wait a minute. Are you... Are you...
1163
00:55:11,186 --> 00:55:14,064
Gay? Yeah. And so are you.
1164
00:55:14,106 --> 00:55:15,482
What?
1165
00:55:15,524 --> 00:55:18,485
[STAMMERS] No. No, I'm not gay.
1166
00:55:18,527 --> 00:55:22,531
Mitch, I know that you're hiding
because I'm hiding, too. Okay?
1167
00:55:22,573 --> 00:55:25,200
Your body language.
The distance from Sherryl.
1168
00:55:25,242 --> 00:55:28,036
The Appletinis.
That all points to one thing.
1169
00:55:28,078 --> 00:55:30,372
Appletinis are delicious.
1170
00:55:30,414 --> 00:55:32,499
Okay, straight men don't know
all the lyrics
1171
00:55:32,541 --> 00:55:34,376
and dance to "It's Raining Men"
like you do.
1172
00:55:34,418 --> 00:55:36,879
Hey, that's enough.
This conversation is over.
1173
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:41,008
You are clearly out of your mind
and cannot be reasoned with right now.
1174
00:55:41,049 --> 00:55:42,342
- We are done here.
- Mitch, wait.
1175
00:55:42,384 --> 00:55:45,387
I said this conversation is over.
1176
00:55:45,429 --> 00:55:47,222
I'll eat your ass.
1177
00:55:52,936 --> 00:55:54,563
Make it quick.
1178
00:55:56,648 --> 00:55:59,276
ON CAR RADIO: ♪ You're not my dad
No, you're not my dad ♪
1179
00:55:59,318 --> 00:56:01,820
♪ You're not my dad
You're just a stranger ♪
1180
00:56:01,862 --> 00:56:04,114
What are you doing out here, Donny?
1181
00:56:04,156 --> 00:56:06,241
- ♪ You're not my dad ♪
- Nothing.
1182
00:56:06,283 --> 00:56:08,327
[MUSIC STOPS]
1183
00:56:09,661 --> 00:56:11,830
[BOTTLES CLINKING]
1184
00:56:13,373 --> 00:56:14,374
Jesus.
1185
00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:18,879
[EXHALES] You all right, man?
1186
00:56:18,921 --> 00:56:20,297
I'm fine.
1187
00:56:20,339 --> 00:56:22,674
All right. You don't have to talk.
1188
00:56:22,716 --> 00:56:24,760
[SIGHS] We can just chill, man.
1189
00:56:24,801 --> 00:56:26,678
Just chill here and not talk.
1190
00:56:26,720 --> 00:56:29,848
I am gonna light this here joint
if you don't mind.
1191
00:56:35,938 --> 00:56:38,232
Fuck this party, man, and fuck my life.
1192
00:56:38,273 --> 00:56:40,150
- Whoa, dude.
- No, I'm serious, okay?
1193
00:56:40,192 --> 00:56:42,027
Why am I crying at my own party?
1194
00:56:42,069 --> 00:56:44,780
Everyone else is in there
having a great time but me.
1195
00:56:44,821 --> 00:56:47,741
Why should they be having fun?
This is my party, not theirs.
1196
00:56:47,783 --> 00:56:50,702
This is my party. It's not fair.
1197
00:56:58,335 --> 00:57:01,296
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, Donny.
1198
00:57:01,338 --> 00:57:04,925
This party, it's not for you, man.
1199
00:57:04,967 --> 00:57:07,344
I mean, I know it's your party,
1200
00:57:07,386 --> 00:57:10,806
but this party isn't for you.
1201
00:57:10,848 --> 00:57:12,015
You know?
1202
00:57:12,057 --> 00:57:13,851
I mean, you're 13 years old, dude.
1203
00:57:13,892 --> 00:57:16,478
The top-shelf vodka, not for you.
1204
00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:19,064
The caviar hors d'oeuvres, not for you.
1205
00:57:19,106 --> 00:57:21,066
You see the trend here?
1206
00:57:21,108 --> 00:57:22,651
Look, these parties, man...
1207
00:57:22,693 --> 00:57:25,404
these parties are nothing more
than an opportunity for parents
1208
00:57:25,445 --> 00:57:29,491
to spend a ridiculous amount of cash
on over-the top shit
1209
00:57:29,533 --> 00:57:31,535
for a party that they wanna throw.
1210
00:57:31,577 --> 00:57:34,663
And you wanna know why?
Because in any other situation,
1211
00:57:34,705 --> 00:57:37,624
your parents would look
like complete jackasses
1212
00:57:37,666 --> 00:57:39,293
tossing all this cash around.
1213
00:57:39,334 --> 00:57:44,798
Except tonight, it's all justified
because it's all for Donny.
1214
00:57:50,345 --> 00:57:53,390
If Valet Mike was Donny...
[BLOWING SMOKE]...
1215
00:57:53,432 --> 00:57:55,559
I would march right back in there
1216
00:57:55,601 --> 00:57:58,103
and try to have the best night
of my damn life,
1217
00:57:58,145 --> 00:58:02,524
because at the end of the day,
none of this shit fucking matters, man.
1218
00:58:06,737 --> 00:58:09,656
Valet Mike laying down those thoughts.
1219
00:58:15,579 --> 00:58:17,164
You ever smoke weed, Donny?
1220
00:58:17,206 --> 00:58:18,498
Huh? No. Why?
1221
00:58:18,540 --> 00:58:20,042
Okay, 'cause you're about to. Try it.
1222
00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:23,420
Whoa. Whoa, man. I can't, okay?
If my mom found out, she'll kill me.
1223
00:58:23,462 --> 00:58:26,006
Uh, yeah. No, yeah,
you're definitely right about that.
1224
00:58:26,048 --> 00:58:30,928
But sometimes you have to make decisions
that are best for yourself by yourself.
1225
00:58:30,969 --> 00:58:35,057
You know? You can't be sitting
in your mom's prison cell all day long.
1226
00:58:36,975 --> 00:58:38,894
I... I don't know, man. It's kind of...
1227
00:58:38,936 --> 00:58:40,938
I... I... No, I don't wanna put...
1228
00:58:40,979 --> 00:58:42,940
I don't wanna put pressure on you
or anything.
1229
00:58:42,981 --> 00:58:46,401
I just... You know.
I think it would calm you down.
1230
00:58:46,443 --> 00:58:50,197
And based off what I'm hearing,
your night can only get better.
1231
00:58:51,615 --> 00:58:53,116
Am I right?
1232
00:59:00,707 --> 00:59:02,960
- Hey.
- Hey. Um...
1233
00:59:03,877 --> 00:59:06,004
I'm sorry. I'll, uh...
1234
00:59:06,046 --> 00:59:07,589
I'll go this way.
1235
00:59:07,631 --> 00:59:09,633
Bobby, wait.
1236
00:59:09,675 --> 00:59:11,844
I hate to see you like this.
1237
00:59:11,885 --> 00:59:13,804
It's... pathetic.
1238
00:59:13,846 --> 00:59:16,515
Look, why do you wanna be a dad so badly?
1239
00:59:16,557 --> 00:59:20,352
I don't know. Um, 'cause everyone
just thinks I'm a fuck-up.
1240
00:59:20,394 --> 00:59:22,646
And I guess I thought
that if I had this kid
1241
00:59:22,688 --> 00:59:25,399
and, you know,
I was, like... like, a good dad
1242
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:28,735
that it could be the first thing
I do right.
1243
00:59:28,777 --> 00:59:32,281
But here's the thing, Bobby.
You... You are a fuck-up.
1244
00:59:32,322 --> 00:59:36,785
You know? Completely and entirely.
1245
00:59:36,827 --> 00:59:38,495
But you know what?
1246
00:59:38,537 --> 00:59:40,581
I know that one day in the future,
1247
00:59:40,622 --> 00:59:44,293
you are gonna meet
a really nice slutty girl,
1248
00:59:44,334 --> 00:59:46,086
and you are gonna knock her up,
1249
00:59:46,128 --> 00:59:50,632
and I know that you're gonna be
one hell of a terrible father
1250
00:59:50,674 --> 00:59:53,385
until Child Services arrives.
1251
00:59:56,680 --> 00:59:59,933
Thank you, Susie. I... I mean,
I really appreciate you saying that.
1252
00:59:59,975 --> 01:00:02,603
Well, I really mean it.
1253
01:00:02,644 --> 01:00:05,439
So, uh, you wanna touch the baby?
1254
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:07,274
- Shut up. Really?
- Yeah.
1255
01:00:07,316 --> 01:00:09,443
- Really?
- Go ahead.
1256
01:00:09,484 --> 01:00:11,445
Okay.
1257
01:00:11,486 --> 01:00:14,448
Oh. No, that's, uh...
1258
01:00:14,489 --> 01:00:16,742
that's not where the baby is.
1259
01:00:17,826 --> 01:00:18,785
Okay.
1260
01:00:18,827 --> 01:00:20,621
- Okay.
- It's all right.
1261
01:00:22,122 --> 01:00:25,167
Dude, I can't believe she slapped you.
1262
01:00:25,209 --> 01:00:27,961
Is it true that she gave a blow job
during "Bill Nye"?
1263
01:00:28,003 --> 01:00:31,256
Nah. She just, uh...
She just got finger blasted.
1264
01:00:31,298 --> 01:00:34,384
- Oh, that's classic.
- Yeah.
1265
01:00:34,426 --> 01:00:37,054
Man, how high are you right now?
1266
01:00:37,095 --> 01:00:38,388
What?
1267
01:00:42,434 --> 01:00:45,479
Nah. She just, uh...
She just got finger blasted.
1268
01:00:45,521 --> 01:00:47,147
Nice.
1269
01:00:47,189 --> 01:00:50,400
I hate my family.
1270
01:00:50,442 --> 01:00:52,694
You can't always love 'em.
1271
01:00:52,736 --> 01:00:55,656
I mean, I... I never love 'em.
1272
01:00:55,697 --> 01:00:58,700
My family is so fucked up.
1273
01:00:58,742 --> 01:01:00,786
Dude, every family is fucked up.
1274
01:01:00,827 --> 01:01:03,413
That's what makes a family a family.
1275
01:01:03,455 --> 01:01:07,835
And the sooner you accept
the fucked-upness of your family,
1276
01:01:07,876 --> 01:01:11,713
that's when you actually are a family.
1277
01:01:11,755 --> 01:01:15,300
Do you understand?
Does that make sense?
1278
01:01:15,342 --> 01:01:16,510
Kinda.
1279
01:01:16,552 --> 01:01:21,515
Okay, good, 'cause I'm... I'm super high
right now, so I don't...
1280
01:01:21,557 --> 01:01:23,058
You know. Sentences.
1281
01:01:23,100 --> 01:01:25,310
Yeah.
1282
01:01:25,352 --> 01:01:28,814
How am I supposed
to deal with my family?
1283
01:01:28,856 --> 01:01:30,649
I... [SCOFFS] ...I don't know, dude.
1284
01:01:30,691 --> 01:01:32,401
I'm... I'm Valet Mike. I'm not...
1285
01:01:32,442 --> 01:01:35,195
I'm not withholding all the answers.
1286
01:01:35,237 --> 01:01:37,364
If I had all the answers,
I'll be... I'll be Dr. Mike.
1287
01:01:37,406 --> 01:01:39,700
- Dude, President Mike. Oh, my...
- President Mike.
1288
01:01:39,741 --> 01:01:43,704
There you are! Where the hell have you
been? I've been looking all over for you.
1289
01:01:43,745 --> 01:01:46,582
I don't know. I've just been
chilling here. Why? What's up?
1290
01:01:46,623 --> 01:01:49,168
We're all about to do the dance.
Yeah. Everyone's waiting.
1291
01:01:49,209 --> 01:01:52,004
Dance? I can't dance right now.
I'm way too high.
1292
01:01:52,045 --> 01:01:54,548
I can't believe you smoked.
What the hell were you thinking?
1293
01:01:54,590 --> 01:01:57,926
You know what? You know what?
You know what? I can take care of this.
1294
01:01:57,968 --> 01:02:01,930
A couple gulps of this bad boy,
and you'll get moving, baby.
1295
01:02:01,972 --> 01:02:03,515
What is it?
1296
01:02:03,557 --> 01:02:05,184
Tradition.
1297
01:02:05,225 --> 01:02:07,644
It's time to become a man.
1298
01:02:07,686 --> 01:02:09,229
- Achoo!
- Gesundheit.
1299
01:02:10,647 --> 01:02:14,026
♪♪♪
1300
01:02:14,067 --> 01:02:16,570
DJ DeWeezy, play my favorite song.
1301
01:02:16,612 --> 01:02:18,363
- Gotcha.
- Yeah.
1302
01:02:18,405 --> 01:02:19,740
MAN: Hey, yo, what it is?
1303
01:02:19,781 --> 01:02:22,117
DONNY: All right, boys. All right,
you guys ready for this dance or what?
1304
01:02:22,159 --> 01:02:23,869
- Come on.
- CHASE: This isn't our song.
1305
01:02:23,911 --> 01:02:25,913
Just trust me. Just go with it.
1306
01:02:25,954 --> 01:02:30,000
Big fat asses and them big brown titties
with them pepperoni nipples.
1307
01:02:30,042 --> 01:02:34,046
♪ I got bitches
all on my dick every day ♪
1308
01:02:34,087 --> 01:02:36,048
♪ Suckin' on my balls ♪
1309
01:02:36,089 --> 01:02:37,966
♪ Lickin' on my balls ♪
1310
01:02:38,008 --> 01:02:40,636
♪ Bitches, they know ♪
1311
01:02:40,677 --> 01:02:42,554
♪ Stick it in that bootyhole ♪
1312
01:02:42,596 --> 01:02:44,723
♪ My balls, my balls ♪
1313
01:02:44,765 --> 01:02:46,558
♪ Suck on my balls ♪
1314
01:02:46,600 --> 01:02:48,727
♪ All up in that asshole ♪
1315
01:02:48,769 --> 01:02:50,354
♪ Let me hit that booty raw ♪
1316
01:02:50,395 --> 01:02:53,023
♪ Lickin' the dick, suckin' the balls,
swallow it all ♪
1317
01:02:53,065 --> 01:02:54,608
♪ Beatin' down your pussy wall
to the ground ♪
1318
01:02:54,650 --> 01:02:58,570
AIYMAH: Gerald, I found Vaal Dh´o
on the dance floor at your 11:00.
1319
01:02:58,612 --> 01:03:00,614
- Check the picture to see if it's him.
- Okay.
1320
01:03:08,455 --> 01:03:09,957
Yep. It's him.
1321
01:03:09,998 --> 01:03:12,042
Vaal Dh´o.
1322
01:03:13,377 --> 01:03:14,920
Freeze, motherfucker!
1323
01:03:16,380 --> 01:03:18,632
You are the mother that fucks!
1324
01:03:39,027 --> 01:03:40,654
BOBBY: Oh, shit!
1325
01:03:44,491 --> 01:03:47,536
- Are you okay?
- Oh! My water just broke.
1326
01:03:59,506 --> 01:04:00,716
BOY: Ow! My glasses!
1327
01:04:05,179 --> 01:04:11,059
♪ We can save goodbye
for tomorrow, mm ♪
1328
01:04:13,562 --> 01:04:16,857
{\an8}Great party, man. This has been...
Oh, the dancing's been great.
1329
01:04:16,899 --> 01:04:19,860
{\an8}You know, you're a kid.
You're just a little kid.
1330
01:04:19,902 --> 01:04:22,571
{\an8}And, um, now you're all grown up.
1331
01:04:27,576 --> 01:04:29,328
- Where's Vaal Dh´o?
- I lost him.
1332
01:04:29,369 --> 01:04:31,288
Well, we're never gonna find him
in this chaos.
1333
01:04:31,330 --> 01:04:32,748
I got an idea.
1334
01:04:33,916 --> 01:04:37,002
Everybody freeze!
1335
01:04:38,295 --> 01:04:40,839
- Okay, is that... No.
- I don't see him anywhere.
1336
01:04:40,881 --> 01:04:44,092
AIYMAH: What about... Oh, shit.
1337
01:04:44,134 --> 01:04:47,054
GERALD: Where the fuck did he go?
He was standing right there a minute ago.
1338
01:04:47,095 --> 01:04:50,432
- AIYMAH: Is that him?
- What? No. He don't look like that.
1339
01:04:50,474 --> 01:04:52,518
AIYMAH: Okay, what about... No.
1340
01:04:52,559 --> 01:04:53,936
GERALD: There he is.
1341
01:04:56,021 --> 01:05:00,025
- [RATTLING]
- [GUESTS SCREAMING]
1342
01:05:00,067 --> 01:05:02,236
- Gerald, what the hell are you doing?
- I can explain.
1343
01:05:02,277 --> 01:05:03,695
Do you have any idea
how much this cost?
1344
01:05:03,737 --> 01:05:06,907
- I can explain.
- You have ruined my party.
1345
01:05:06,949 --> 01:05:08,742
[RATTLING]
1346
01:05:08,784 --> 01:05:11,453
Everything is ruined.
1347
01:05:11,495 --> 01:05:13,580
[GUESTS YELLING]
1348
01:05:13,622 --> 01:05:16,083
[SOBBING]
1349
01:05:16,124 --> 01:05:18,377
Oh, fuck.
1350
01:05:19,795 --> 01:05:22,756
Whoa. I mean, that was something.
Am I right?
1351
01:05:22,798 --> 01:05:27,010
That's what we call
some high-quality entertainment.
1352
01:05:27,052 --> 01:05:28,303
What the hell are you doing?
1353
01:05:28,345 --> 01:05:30,097
Ladies and gentlemen,
1354
01:05:30,138 --> 01:05:34,810
please put your hands together
for Gerald!
1355
01:05:34,852 --> 01:05:38,063
He has been working for months
on this performance.
1356
01:05:38,105 --> 01:05:39,815
Clap, motherfuckers.
1357
01:05:41,900 --> 01:05:42,860
Yes!
1358
01:05:42,901 --> 01:05:47,990
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1359
01:05:49,908 --> 01:05:51,326
Bravo!
1360
01:05:52,536 --> 01:05:55,414
Mommy. Mommy.
1361
01:05:55,455 --> 01:05:56,790
Mommy, wake up.
1362
01:05:59,793 --> 01:06:01,420
Thank you.
1363
01:06:05,507 --> 01:06:08,218
Get your ass off the ground.
1364
01:06:08,260 --> 01:06:10,596
[GRUNTING]
1365
01:06:12,431 --> 01:06:15,100
WOMAN'S VOICE: Danny Trejo.
1366
01:06:15,142 --> 01:06:18,187
You didn't really think you were
gonna get away with this, did you?
1367
01:06:18,228 --> 01:06:20,314
Danny Trejo. But how?
1368
01:06:20,355 --> 01:06:22,649
You're not the only one that can hide.
1369
01:06:22,691 --> 01:06:26,653
And now I finally got you,
you party-pooping son of a bitch.
1370
01:06:26,695 --> 01:06:28,363
What the hell is going on here?
1371
01:06:28,405 --> 01:06:32,034
Danny Trejo, ma'am. Professional actor.
Everything's under control.
1372
01:06:32,075 --> 01:06:33,160
What?
1373
01:06:33,202 --> 01:06:35,787
Please, you do not understand.
1374
01:06:35,829 --> 01:06:39,499
All I ever wanted to do
was dance at party.
1375
01:06:39,541 --> 01:06:42,336
But instead, I make mistake.
1376
01:06:42,377 --> 01:06:44,129
I poop in pants.
1377
01:06:44,171 --> 01:06:45,506
[GUESTS GASP]
1378
01:06:45,547 --> 01:06:47,549
So demeaning.
1379
01:06:47,591 --> 01:06:49,718
I did not know...
1380
01:06:49,760 --> 01:06:52,596
I did not know I was lactose intolerant.
1381
01:06:52,638 --> 01:06:54,056
...lactose intolerant.
1382
01:06:54,097 --> 01:06:57,518
All I ever wanted to do...
1383
01:06:57,559 --> 01:07:00,062
was dance at party.
1384
01:07:00,103 --> 01:07:02,564
I didn't know I was lactose intolerant.
1385
01:07:02,606 --> 01:07:04,233
Donny, what is wrong with you?
1386
01:07:04,274 --> 01:07:06,443
Man juice, Mom. It's okay.
1387
01:07:06,485 --> 01:07:07,945
Let him stay.
1388
01:07:07,986 --> 01:07:10,656
But, Donny, you don't understand.
1389
01:07:10,697 --> 01:07:12,574
He stays.
1390
01:07:12,616 --> 01:07:14,701
SHERRYL: Okay.
1391
01:07:14,743 --> 01:07:16,620
He can stay.
1392
01:07:16,662 --> 01:07:18,705
[HANDCUFFS CLICK]
1393
01:07:18,747 --> 01:07:20,791
Thank you, Donny.
1394
01:07:20,832 --> 01:07:22,709
I love you, Donny.
1395
01:07:22,751 --> 01:07:26,255
I love you like man loves boy.
1396
01:07:26,296 --> 01:07:27,840
I... I'll go.
1397
01:07:27,881 --> 01:07:29,550
- Yeah.
- I'll go. Okay, thank you.
1398
01:07:29,591 --> 01:07:31,385
- There's drinks in the back. Yeah. Sure.
- Thank you.
1399
01:07:31,426 --> 01:07:35,222
All right. I know it's late,
and it's been one hell of a night,
1400
01:07:35,264 --> 01:07:37,933
but this party ain't over just yet.
1401
01:07:37,975 --> 01:07:42,062
We got one more song for y'all.
Deejay, spin that track!
1402
01:07:42,104 --> 01:07:44,106
Say no more.
1403
01:07:58,287 --> 01:07:59,746
- Oh, get in there.
- [SLURPING]
1404
01:07:59,788 --> 01:08:01,748
You tell me what I had for supper.
1405
01:08:01,790 --> 01:08:03,709
{\an8}You tell me what I... Oh!
1406
01:08:03,750 --> 01:08:05,586
{\an8}- [SLURPING]
- Oh! I'm gonna c...
1407
01:08:05,627 --> 01:08:06,920
"Come on Eileen"?
1408
01:08:06,962 --> 01:08:09,464
- ♪ Come on Eileen ♪
- No fucking way!
1409
01:08:09,506 --> 01:08:10,883
{\an8}"Come on Eileen."
1410
01:08:10,924 --> 01:08:12,342
{\an8}Oh, my... Fuck!
1411
01:08:12,384 --> 01:08:13,719
{\an8}- Let's go!
- Yeah!
1412
01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:17,014
{\an8}♪ Poor old Johnny Ray ♪
1413
01:08:17,055 --> 01:08:19,057
{\an8}♪ Sounded sad upon the radio ♪
1414
01:08:19,099 --> 01:08:22,102
♪ Moved a million hearts in mono ♪
1415
01:08:22,144 --> 01:08:24,229
♪ Our mothers cried ♪
1416
01:08:24,270 --> 01:08:27,357
Ohh! He is really in there. Okay.
1417
01:08:27,399 --> 01:08:29,234
I'm so glad you're here.
1418
01:08:30,986 --> 01:08:32,738
I'll always be here.
1419
01:08:38,202 --> 01:08:40,120
{\an8}- I get it. Yeah. Go.
- Okay.
1420
01:08:40,162 --> 01:08:43,040
Have fun. I got this.
1421
01:08:43,081 --> 01:08:47,377
{\an8}I don't know what that does.
I'll just take this.
1422
01:08:52,090 --> 01:08:54,510
♪ Come on Eileen ♪
1423
01:08:54,551 --> 01:08:56,220
{\an8}Let's go. Let's go.
1424
01:08:56,261 --> 01:09:00,224
{\an8}Oh. Did you play trumpet?
1425
01:09:00,265 --> 01:09:02,225
{\an8}"Come on Eileen."
1426
01:09:02,267 --> 01:09:04,895
{\an8}Wait for me!
1427
01:09:04,937 --> 01:09:06,897
{\an8}[BODY THUDS]
1428
01:09:06,939 --> 01:09:09,608
♪ Come on Eileen ♪
1429
01:09:12,361 --> 01:09:14,904
{\an8}Come on, man.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
1430
01:09:14,947 --> 01:09:18,242
{\an8}Some people just aren't cut out
for these type of parties.
1431
01:09:18,283 --> 01:09:21,995
{\an8}I guess you're just one
of those type of people.
1432
01:09:24,997 --> 01:09:27,417
Here comes Gary!
1433
01:09:27,459 --> 01:09:28,961
Whoo!
1434
01:09:29,002 --> 01:09:31,755
♪ These people round here ♪
1435
01:09:31,796 --> 01:09:34,131
♪ Wear beatdown eyes
sunk in smoke-dried face ♪
1436
01:09:34,174 --> 01:09:36,718
♪ So resigned to what their fate is ♪
1437
01:09:36,760 --> 01:09:38,929
♪ But not us, no never ♪
1438
01:09:38,970 --> 01:09:41,180
{\an8}♪ No, not us, no never ♪
1439
01:09:41,223 --> 01:09:45,644
{\an8}♪ We are far too young and clever ♪
1440
01:09:45,685 --> 01:09:47,938
♪ Toora loora ♪
1441
01:09:47,979 --> 01:09:52,401
♪ Toora loo rye ay ♪
1442
01:09:52,442 --> 01:09:57,990
♪ Eileen, I'll hum this tune forever ♪
1443
01:09:58,031 --> 01:09:59,491
{\an8}♪ Come on Eileen ♪
1444
01:09:59,533 --> 01:10:01,577
{\an8}♪ Oh, I swear what he means ♪
1445
01:10:01,618 --> 01:10:06,623
{\an8}♪ Ah, come on
Let's take off everything ♪
1446
01:10:06,665 --> 01:10:09,751
♪ Pretty red dress
Eileen, tell him yes ♪
1447
01:10:09,793 --> 01:10:12,296
- ♪ Ah, come on, let's ♪
- [SQUISHY FARTS]
1448
01:10:12,337 --> 01:10:15,299
♪ Ah, come on, Eileen ♪
1449
01:10:15,340 --> 01:10:17,551
{\an8}Use this?
1450
01:10:17,593 --> 01:10:19,970
{\an8}Here we go. And...
1451
01:10:20,012 --> 01:10:22,347
{\an8}Goddamn it.
1452
01:10:22,389 --> 01:10:23,974
{\an8}I love this song.
1453
01:10:24,016 --> 01:10:27,895
{\an8}[BABY CRYING]
1454
01:10:27,936 --> 01:10:32,399
{\an8}♪ Come on
Let's take off everything ♪
1455
01:10:32,441 --> 01:10:36,111
{\an8}♪ Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means ♪
1456
01:10:36,153 --> 01:10:41,074
{\an8}♪ Ah, come on
Let's take off everything ♪
1457
01:10:41,116 --> 01:10:43,410
Hey, Sherryl. Hey, Mitch.
1458
01:10:43,452 --> 01:10:47,539
I am so sorry for being such a sourpuss,
1459
01:10:47,581 --> 01:10:53,170
but can I just say that cumming on Eileen
was just so much fun.
1460
01:10:53,212 --> 01:10:54,796
I mean, who would've thought?
1461
01:10:54,838 --> 01:10:57,841
Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov.
1462
01:10:57,883 --> 01:11:00,469
- Mazel Tov.
- Thank you.
1463
01:11:04,223 --> 01:11:07,351
[RATTLING]
1464
01:11:07,392 --> 01:11:10,270
Bobby? Do you wanna meet your son?
1465
01:11:10,312 --> 01:11:12,356
Squirtle.
1466
01:11:12,397 --> 01:11:14,066
More than anything.
1467
01:11:14,107 --> 01:11:17,027
[SQUIRTLE COOING]
1468
01:11:17,069 --> 01:11:19,029
- Oh, my God.
- What?
1469
01:11:23,408 --> 01:11:25,702
- Susie.
- Yeah.
1470
01:11:25,744 --> 01:11:27,996
He looks just like me.
1471
01:11:28,038 --> 01:11:30,749
Ha ha. I see you've met our son.
1472
01:11:30,791 --> 01:11:33,335
Hey. Yeah, I think he looks
a lot like his father.
1473
01:11:33,377 --> 01:11:37,089
Oh, he sure does. He sure does.
1474
01:11:39,716 --> 01:11:41,301
Okay, well, you guys are...
1475
01:11:41,343 --> 01:11:44,221
- Look what I did.
- Wow. All right, we gotta go.
1476
01:11:44,263 --> 01:11:46,473
- Um, Gary shit his pants.
- Look what I did.
1477
01:11:46,515 --> 01:11:50,018
Okay, Squirtle.
Hey, Daddy loves you, okay?
1478
01:11:50,060 --> 01:11:51,895
Okay. I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy.
1479
01:11:51,937 --> 01:11:53,438
SUSIE: You can't... You can't say that.
1480
01:11:53,480 --> 01:11:55,774
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Bobby.
1481
01:11:55,816 --> 01:11:59,111
- Okay, congrats, Gary.
- On what?
1482
01:11:59,152 --> 01:12:00,779
I... Congratulations.
1483
01:12:00,821 --> 01:12:02,698
[BOTTLES CLINKING, GLASS SHATTERING]
1484
01:12:02,739 --> 01:12:03,740
Watch it!
1485
01:12:05,492 --> 01:12:06,952
Hey.
1486
01:12:06,994 --> 01:12:08,245
Hannah.
1487
01:12:08,287 --> 01:12:10,080
What, Donny?
1488
01:12:10,122 --> 01:12:12,791
I'm really sorry
for what happened earlier.
1489
01:12:12,833 --> 01:12:16,086
I know I messed up, and I'm really sorry.
I just don't want you to hate me.
1490
01:12:16,128 --> 01:12:19,756
I don't hate you. I'm sorry I slapped you.
1491
01:12:19,798 --> 01:12:22,050
That's okay. I deserved it.
1492
01:12:22,092 --> 01:12:26,054
I saw what you did for the party pooper.
It's really sweet.
1493
01:12:26,096 --> 01:12:29,641
Yeah, well, uh,
everyone kind of deserves a second chance.
1494
01:12:29,683 --> 01:12:32,352
What's up with you right now?
1495
01:12:32,394 --> 01:12:34,104
What do you mean?
1496
01:12:34,146 --> 01:12:36,607
You're so... chill.
1497
01:12:36,648 --> 01:12:40,194
Yeah, well, I'm really drunk
and high right now.
1498
01:12:40,235 --> 01:12:43,238
I think I like you
when you're really drunk and high.
1499
01:12:54,333 --> 01:12:58,629
WOMAN: ♪ I like the way your eyes
begin to cry ♪
1500
01:12:58,670 --> 01:13:02,466
♪ I like how it feels when you smile ♪
1501
01:13:02,508 --> 01:13:07,304
♪ I like the way you watch me
when I walk away ♪
1502
01:13:07,346 --> 01:13:10,390
♪ Say you'll stay ♪
1503
01:13:10,432 --> 01:13:14,478
♪ I like to feel your breath on my face ♪
1504
01:13:14,520 --> 01:13:16,522
♪ I like to swim around... ♪
1505
01:13:42,506 --> 01:13:45,717
Okay, yeah.
I'll, uh... I'll see you in school.
1506
01:13:50,222 --> 01:13:52,224
{\an8}MAN'S VOICE: Mazel Tov.
1507
01:13:55,060 --> 01:13:57,396
And... cheese?
1508
01:13:57,437 --> 01:13:58,730
Oh, yes. A picture. Yeah.
1509
01:13:58,772 --> 01:14:00,732
Guys. Drucker family. Everyone.
Come here real quick.
1510
01:14:00,774 --> 01:14:03,151
Last of the night. Come on.
1511
01:14:03,193 --> 01:14:05,529
Donny, are you okay?
1512
01:14:05,571 --> 01:14:06,697
I feel funny.
1513
01:14:06,738 --> 01:14:10,701
Oh, my little baby's become a man. Hm.
1514
01:14:10,742 --> 01:14:12,703
So, who was the baby you were holding?
1515
01:14:12,744 --> 01:14:14,788
That's the son I secretly have with Susie.
1516
01:14:14,830 --> 01:14:17,708
He'll never know I'm his father,
but, uh, his name's Squirtle.
1517
01:14:17,749 --> 01:14:19,376
- He has your eyes.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
1518
01:14:19,418 --> 01:14:21,879
Sherryl, there's something
I need to tell you.
1519
01:14:21,920 --> 01:14:24,047
I am a flaming homosexual.
1520
01:14:24,089 --> 01:14:26,925
I just got my ass cleaned out,
and I want a divorce.
1521
01:14:26,967 --> 01:14:29,720
Whatever makes you happy, dear.
All right. Let's do this.
1522
01:14:29,761 --> 01:14:31,471
Oh. Okay.
1523
01:14:31,513 --> 01:14:34,391
Oh. Also, I, uh... I never quit smoking.
1524
01:14:34,433 --> 01:14:36,894
Are you fucking kidding me?
You never quit smoking?
1525
01:14:36,935 --> 01:14:38,896
[ALL ARGUING]
1526
01:14:38,937 --> 01:14:44,401
And... cheese!
1527
01:14:55,537 --> 01:14:57,331
♪ Making my way downtown ♪
1528
01:14:57,372 --> 01:15:01,001
♪ Walking fast, faces pass,
and I'm homebound ♪
1529
01:15:04,338 --> 01:15:05,589
[SIREN BLARING]
1530
01:15:05,631 --> 01:15:08,217
♪ Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way ♪
1531
01:15:08,258 --> 01:15:14,389
- Pull over.
- ♪ I'm making my way through the crowd ♪
1532
01:15:17,392 --> 01:15:19,478
♪ And I need you ♪
1533
01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:22,147
♪ And I miss you ♪
1534
01:15:22,189 --> 01:15:24,358
♪ And now I wonder ♪
1535
01:15:24,399 --> 01:15:26,068
Seriously, Mike. How long you
gonna keep doing this for?
1536
01:15:26,109 --> 01:15:28,737
You're old as fuck to still be valeting.
You know what I'm saying?
1537
01:15:28,779 --> 01:15:30,906
Nobody wants some deadbeat loser
1538
01:15:30,948 --> 01:15:33,867
parking their cars
and hanging out with their kids.
1539
01:15:33,909 --> 01:15:36,870
Jesus Christ. You smell like shit, man.
1540
01:15:36,912 --> 01:15:39,039
I mean, you should take a shower
every once in a while.
1541
01:15:39,081 --> 01:15:40,666
L'Oréal. You ever heard of it?
1542
01:15:40,707 --> 01:15:43,293
I mean, I can't believe they even let you
inside this children's party
1543
01:15:43,335 --> 01:15:45,754
looking like a fucking pedophile.
1544
01:15:45,796 --> 01:15:47,381
Do you wanna make out?
1545
01:15:49,007 --> 01:15:51,009
Obviously.
1546
01:15:51,051 --> 01:15:53,679
Seriously? Oh, my...
1547
01:15:53,720 --> 01:15:57,307
♪ I wonder if you ever think of me ♪
1548
01:15:57,349 --> 01:16:00,227
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLARING]
1549
01:16:00,269 --> 01:16:03,188
Shout out to the kid
that fell into the chocolate fountain
1550
01:16:03,230 --> 01:16:06,275
and then all of the drunk adults
start licking him.
1551
01:16:06,316 --> 01:16:08,902
He's in the hospital,
and we've got news that he's fine.
1552
01:16:08,944 --> 01:16:12,072
Donny's was the best.
I mean, the decorations, the...
1553
01:16:12,114 --> 01:16:13,115
Ow! My glasses!
1554
01:16:14,491 --> 01:16:16,994
♪ And I'll miss you ♪
1555
01:16:17,035 --> 01:16:20,581
♪ And now I wonder ♪
1556
01:16:20,622 --> 01:16:22,583
Hey, uh, Bobby, we need to talk.
1557
01:16:22,624 --> 01:16:25,043
- Yeah, what's up, man?
- I'm a homosexual.
1558
01:16:25,085 --> 01:16:26,753
Like... What do you mean?
1559
01:16:26,795 --> 01:16:30,007
Like, I'm gay.
I'm attracted to men, penises.
1560
01:16:30,048 --> 01:16:33,552
Okay, so, you're, what,
like, attracted to me then?
1561
01:16:33,594 --> 01:16:35,596
What? No, no. Just listen. I...
1562
01:16:35,637 --> 01:16:37,806
You're my best friend, and I just wanna
be completely honest with you.
1563
01:16:37,848 --> 01:16:41,101
- Yeah.
- I am currently seeing your dad.
1564
01:16:41,143 --> 01:16:43,896
I know. It's kinda crazy.
It just sort of happened.
1565
01:16:43,937 --> 01:16:48,150
First, I'm outside. Next thing I know,
I'm straight out eating his butthole.
1566
01:16:48,192 --> 01:16:51,653
- So, you do eat butthole, right?
- Yeah. I do.
1567
01:16:51,695 --> 01:16:54,281
- So we both eat butthole.
- We both eat butthole.
1568
01:16:54,323 --> 01:16:57,910
- Dude. That's... That's awesome.
- Yeah.
1569
01:16:57,951 --> 01:17:01,205
♪ Drown in your memory ♪
1570
01:17:01,246 --> 01:17:03,207
♪ I, I ♪
1571
01:17:03,248 --> 01:17:05,250
♪ Don't wanna let this ♪
1572
01:17:05,292 --> 01:17:10,088
Oh. What if cocks were nipples
and nipples were cocks?
1573
01:17:10,130 --> 01:17:12,758
Then would size really matter?
1574
01:17:12,799 --> 01:17:16,303
Hmm. The more you know.
1575
01:17:16,345 --> 01:17:18,639
Donny, mazel tov. We're so happy.
1576
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,265
- Susie and I are so...
- Congratulations.
1577
01:17:20,307 --> 01:17:22,309
- We're so excited to be here.
- We're so happy for you.
1578
01:17:22,351 --> 01:17:24,186
- You're a man now.
- You're a man,
1579
01:17:24,228 --> 01:17:26,480
- but I always knew you would be.
- Yeah. Well...
1580
01:17:26,522 --> 01:17:27,523
And, um...
1581
01:17:27,564 --> 01:17:31,026
And hopefully,
you have a great role model like, um...
1582
01:17:32,528 --> 01:17:33,779
Benjamin Franklin.
1583
01:17:33,820 --> 01:17:35,906
And if you ever need life insurance,
you know who to call.
1584
01:17:35,948 --> 01:17:40,452
{\an8}Your boy Gary.
1-800-YOU-KNOW-THE-REST.
1585
01:17:41,787 --> 01:17:47,501
♪ If I could fall into the sky ♪
1586
01:17:47,543 --> 01:17:51,338
Never have I ever been
on a serial killing spree,
1587
01:17:51,380 --> 01:17:54,341
launched a nuclear warhead,
thrown baloney at children,
1588
01:17:54,383 --> 01:17:56,343
glued my buns to my dad's face,
1589
01:17:56,385 --> 01:17:58,136
jumped... Oh, wait. I have jumped.
1590
01:17:58,178 --> 01:17:59,888
Can l do another? Can I do another?
1591
01:17:59,930 --> 01:18:02,516
Never have I ever called
my dentist a butthole
1592
01:18:02,558 --> 01:18:05,060
and then challenged him
to a fight to the death.
1593
01:18:05,102 --> 01:18:07,646
Goddamn it.
1594
01:18:07,688 --> 01:18:11,817
♪ Do you think time will pass me by? ♪
1595
01:18:11,859 --> 01:18:16,363
♪ You know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪
1596
01:18:16,405 --> 01:18:21,702
♪ If I could just see you ♪
1597
01:18:21,743 --> 01:18:27,124
♪ If I could just hold you ♪
1598
01:18:27,165 --> 01:18:30,586
♪ Tonight ♪
1599
01:18:46,518 --> 01:18:48,103
Mommy.
1600
01:18:48,145 --> 01:18:51,523
Why won't you wake up, Mommy?
1601
01:18:51,565 --> 01:18:53,775
Mommy.
1602
01:18:53,817 --> 01:18:56,904
Why won't you wake up, Mommy?
1603
01:18:56,945 --> 01:18:58,322
Mommy.
1604
01:18:58,368 --> 01:19:00,805
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