Original subtitles

♪ "Dido's Lament: When I Am Laid In Earth" by Alison Moyet

♪ When I am laid,

♪ am laid in earth

♪ May my wrongs create

♪ No trouble, no trouble in, in thy breast

♪ When I am laid,

♪ am laid in earth,

♪ May my wrongs create

♪ No trouble, no trouble in, in thy breast

♪ Remember me

♪ Remember me

♪ But ah!

♪ Forget my fate

♪ Remember me

♪ But ah!

♪ Forget my fate

The entry phone buzzer went, and when I answered it, it was the police.

And they asked to come up.

I said, "Is it about my brother?"

Because he'd been having a lot of problems, I'd lost contact with him.

I think I said to them again, "Is it about my brother?"

And they said, "Well, let's come in and talk"

and they did the classic thing of saying, "Would you like to go and sit down?"

Which at that point I knew,

I knew that it was going to be that he died.

It's sort of just like it...

just like it is in all the dramas and the movies.

So I sat down, and they said that he'd been found dead that morning

in a hostel for homeless people.

Great, thank you, Sam. See you soon.

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

I got in touch with Cara.

I was pretty traumatised, I have to say but,

at that point, I could barely leave the flat.

So she very kindly agreed to come here

and talk to me and also to Paul,

who was Richard's partner for 15 years.

They haven't been together for some time now.

But Paul's still been very involved

through Richard's various crises over the last 20 years.

-Where do you want? -Shall I go here?

Yeah, if you go over there.

-Oh, gosh.

-All right.

(dog barks)

Oscar, for God's sake.

I'm sorry, hun.

-It's all right, don't worry. -Oh, I wish I hadn't brought them now.

-Sit! -Oh, they'll be okay.

I sort of had in my head, you know, this body in this awful state being,

you know, having had the post-mortem or the autopsy whatever,

and thinking about what would happen to him?

It's so weird.

Like today, because I spoke to the coroner,

and then I've been speaking to the hostel and various people,

I suddenly got really embarrassed that he might be in this awful dirty state.

You know, looking rather rough.

-I suddenly got really kind of freaked about it. -What, Richard? Yeah.

You know, because I know sometimes the state he's got himself into,

that's always horrible...

I've always felt that one of the most difficult things to deal with has been the neglect.

-Yeah, he was a very well-groomed, handsome man wasn't he, when he was well.

So seeing him in that kind of state of dishevelment,

which we have done is just quite shocking, really.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But we can go and see him to say goodbye then, can we?

Of course. Of course. Yeah, you can do that at any point, so.

It wasn't like talking to a funeral director, it was just like talking to a friend about,

you know, what would you like to happen?

It just felt really, really easy, like, it's hard to explain.

All right, tell me what you want for Richard's ceremony?

You know, tell me what you've thought about for the day.

You know, the type of things that would be important to him and to you

to involve.

I suppose is there a...

like my sister's funeral, it was quite prescriptive because it was a religious one,

and we actually had to run everything by them.

-So to check that it wasn't... -Right, okay...

It depends really. So for the ceremony, you can either have a celebrant,

who will come and meet with you and discuss

the whole structure and content of the ceremony and support you with

the eulogies or what you want said.

Or if the family and extended family want to speak,

maybe if other family members do,

then that might be, fill in the time for you,

because then you don't need anyone outside coming in to add things, you know.

GILL: He was an incredibly intelligent man.

He'd had a psychology degree. He'd had an incredibly successful career,

amazing partner, had an amazing life.

Things for him were really going so well until he hit his mid-30s.

That's what makes the death in a way, so tragic

because he did reach a point about 18 months before he died,

where he eventually went into residential rehab,

which was fantastic,

but it did mean him giving up his flat, but it was brilliant because it did work.

So for about nine months,

actually got Richard back, he was sort of more like his old self, it was wonderful.

And he worked very hard at it. He did very well.

But unfortunately,

a couple of months before he died,

very tragically, my elder sister died of pancreatic cancer.

It had all been very sudden and very difficult and...

When he heard that, he went into relapse and went out on a sort of drinking spree,

so just this terrible, terrible time.

I would normally say to people, once death has occurred,

it's time to just sort of take stock, and try and just recuperate a bit

and know there's no immediate rush to do anything.

You know, you'll have plenty of time for madness and exhaustion.

I think just after the death, just try and look after yourself and each other.

I became a funeral director by chance in life really.

My father had already died. Then my mother died.

And it was through the process of arranging her funeral

that I came out the other side thinking, what do those strange funeral directors do?

Questioning quite a lot of what was done, why it was done,

there were things that stuck with me.

The fact that I didn't know necessarily where my mother's body was after she died,

where she was kept, who touched her, who was involved in dressing her.

I had no idea if she was embalmed.

And at the time, it felt weird

but obviously, there were lots of new strange things going on

and emotionally charged.

So, I didn't really process it until the other side.

It's the space between the loss of an individual and the funeral.

That's the kind of... that's a big space.

And ritually, there isn't anything in there

to kind of...

allow people a space to really be held and be in a calm spot.

(car door shuts)

Oh, hi Hannah, it's Cara.

Thank you.

The woman came in, we sat down and just had a quick chat between us.

And then...

it was very much...

"Right, well, could I see your mum now?" and it was all very quietly done.

-Hang on there, I'll just get my colleague.

SARAH: They came through with something to carry mum in.

And it was lovely and it was a cloth, sort of woven...

HANNAH: You could imagine her feeling, just feeling taken care of in there.

SARAH: Most definitely.

I think if you've been sitting with someone,

holding them, holding the hand, if you've been present,

until somebody takes their last breath,

that's, firstly, if you love them,

there's an awful lot going on at that point, there are feelings of, you know,

deep loss, but also feelings of release that the suffering is over.

HANNAH: The women there were fantastic, really.

We were given the option to go and visit our mother,

to be with her,

to help in any way prepare her.

We took some clothes in for her,

which was very much part and parcel of who she was.

SARAH: I'm absolutely reassured that she is comfortable.

And as she would want to be.

HANNAH: We weren't ready for her to change

from being there to her not being there.

SARAH: Yes.

HANNAH: Mum had chosen that funeral directors because it was attractive.

Because it felt organic, it felt very green,

very natural.

And that completely appealed to her.

She was a very powerful character.

She was very much into theatre. She loved directing.

SARAH: Bit of a force of nature.

(laughs)

I think we probably both agree.

Yes. Powerful woman.

Yeah. Yeah. Feisty.

Oh, it was really sad to hear about your mum.

-Oh, yeah. Well, it was a bit of a shock.

-Yeah.

I mean, we knew that she was ill. But we were there, though.

You know, she was at home. That's what she wanted.

Promise was fulfilled.

To do that at home.

There was this sort of balancing act, I think, around us knowing

that she was going to die, and that could be imminent.

And I did manage to bring it up once

and just said, "Look, I'm really nervous about what to do."

-Personally, I think I respected her wish not to want to speak of it.

I don't know that that made things any easier for me personally.

But if Victoria, if mum, made up her mind about something,

that was it. There was no, there was no discussion sometimes.

-Yeah. -And the end came quickly.

HANNAH: Yeah, it was clear then that the light was going out.

-We just stayed with her until the end, really. -We just stayed with her, indeed.

And some close friends came.

And we were with her right to the end. Yeah.

CARA: That's cardboard. That's a green one, but they come in woodgrain effect, or white.

And again, these can be written on during the ceremony.

GILL: I'm not sure about that.

PAUL: No, I don't want him to have a cardboard coffin.

I just feel like that's the cheap end of it.

I feel really strongly about that, actually.

-Yeah? Well, that's good to have that...

-I think that's ideal. I like that one. Yeah.

-Okay. Yeah.

-Yeah, I feel happier if he has... -Yeah, okay. Yeah.

-No, I was looking at the willow.

-Which, these?

-These are willow. Or there's woven.

PAUL: And what's bamboo?

CARA: They're the bamboo.

GILL: Yeah, even the bamboo. PAUL: Bamboo maybe?

GILL: I quite like that.

But, you know, I think you might feel more strongly about that than I do.

-No, it's just the cardboard I don't want him to have. -Just don't want cardboard.

Yeah, I don't.

I know it's probably un-PC. But that's just me, isn't it?

Um, yeah.

There is some paperwork.

-Do you feel okay filling in paperwork now? -Yeah.

Fine. If you begin with your details, and then your brother's details

and just work your way through the form.

GILL: You've got two dogs, haven't you?

CARA: Yeah. Harold and Maude.

PAUL: Harold and Maude, that's brilliant.

(laughs)

PAUL: He's a rescue dog.

-Is he? -Yeah, he is.

-Bless him.

PAUL: (to dog) You woken up now?

Do you know or suspect

that the death of the person who has died was violent or unnatural?

It was violent or natural, is it?

Violent or unnatural.

Or unnatural.

I think for that, you can, erm...

just put in the next box up there, the coroner is involved.

-Yes. If there is a post-mortem. -Yeah.

And he's- Obviously, you're saying to people to donate rather than flowers?

-Yeah.

And do you want any flowers? Will you have some flowers? Will you...?

PAUL: I wouldn't. GILL: No.

PAUL: He wouldn't approve.

GILL: It was the sort of thing he just thought was unnecessary, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Oh, that's probably a bit odd.

No, I think that's great because sometimes people say that...

PAUL: Tell you what you could do.

One white rose of York. How about that?

-Yes, he'd like that probably, wouldn’t he?

Yeah. One white rose of York.

Or I could get a white rose for each of us to put on his coffin.

-Yeah, yeah. -How about I do that?

-And that could be something that you all bring with you on the day.

-Maybe place as you come in.

Yeah, why don't we do that? Because that would be symbolic.

-But it wouldn't be over the top. -And it would be the kind of thing he'd like.

He'd like that. The House of York and all that.

It is the white one, isn't it? Lancashire's the red!

-Oh God, can't get it mixed up.

The thing that I think is difficult for the family obviously,

is the bit where you're saying goodbye to mum, you know,

that's...

That's a tough thing for the family to do.

And, you know, I'm more than happy to read words.

But obviously, I just need to agree with you what those words will be.

Right? What, actually on, with the curtain drawing?

Yeah. If you want the curtains closed, do you want the curtains to close or?

Gosh, man.

Well, again, being theatre, that's what she'd want.

Curtain call or...?

Curtain comes down. Everyone applauds.

Do you know what I mean? (laughs)

HANNAH: We went to the crematorium. We had a little look.

SARAH: We saw the chapel.

HANNAH: Maybe about a week ago.

SARAH: Yeah, to see the space and how it works.

HANNAH: Yes. And that was very fitting that she will be behind curtains.

You know, she is now backstage.

SARAH: And once the curtains have closed, and there's been a moment of reflection,

then there will be an opportunity to start

a round of applause. Yeah.

HANNAH: Which feels really natural.

-Give her a clap, you know? -Absolutely. Yeah.

Well done, lady. You know, you did really well.

-Yeah. -Really brave journey.

And it might be, um...

unconventional,

as a part of a funeral service.

-She was an unconventional lady. -That's for sure.

A traditional service would be the one thing she'd come and haunt us about.

(laughs) Yes. "What were you thinking?" -Which I think was a threat, wasn't it?

I think that she wouldn't have liked us to struggle with what to do

upon her death, because it was going to be hard, you know, it's hard.

I began working in the funeral world in 1998.

It was more traditional than today, on the whole.

I worked for a traditional large national firm.

The minute that I walked through the door

and dealt with the dead, I knew that was my passion,

I knew that's what I needed to be doing.

So, it was just a case of

morally and feeling comfortable with working in the way that I felt was right

in supporting people in death and dying.

I didn't particularly enjoy where I worked. It was...

I found no choice was given to the public.

There wasn't really any transparency of how they did things, or why they did things.

I came from a world of empowering people,

so I wanted to continue that in the funeral world.

(bell rings) Come on in. -Hello. Nice to see you.

Have you met Sarah before? She has seen you do wonderful things.

CARA: I'm just going to tell you what's happening today.

Sarah and Hannah are about to leave on a funeral.

So they're here, but then they're...

So is this your funeral outfit, Sarah?

-This is my funeral outfit. -It's gorgeous.

-We had them made, didn't we?

We couldn't really find anything that was suitable.

-Have you all got the same?

Sarah and I have just got those at the moment. And Hannah has the older model.

-The older model on the younger model.

(laughs)

CARA: Right so, quite a little place of loved things really.

Fabulous.

And then this is where people come so they can just sit with people,

they can wash and dress people in here and do whatever they want to do really.

Have a cup of tea or coffee. You know, it's quite informal.

FRAN: Yeah, but it's lovely.

CARA: Aw. And even though it's mad out there,

the traffic is mad, everything's mad in Brighton,

you can still have a sense of calm in here, which is good.

FRAN: It feels beautiful. How long have you been here?

About 10 years now, I think. So yeah, this is our mortuary space.

Two fridges. This one was here when we moved in.

FRAN: Great. So you could just start straight away.

Yeah.

This is our practical area.

So we can store coffins here,

we have our collection stuff here and everything like that.

-You can't help but touch these, can you?

I know, they're so lovely. And knowing that they're all as snug as a bug.

-Snug as a bug. -But, yes, come on down.

So I was a lost soul wanting to do this work

but not knowing how I would fit because I didn't fit, you know,

so I worked there for probably about a year.

And then there was some trouble around an interview for a trainee funeral director.

I went for the job, but all they asked me was

about my young son and how would he be cared for?

It's a brutally difficult industry.

-Yeah.

And it's a massive multi-million pound machine that's...

you know...

CARA: I think funeral directors are known for their bad taste in decor.

Quite stark, quite cell-like, you know, with maybe a cross on the wall.

Good morning. We're mourning.

(laughs)

Why don't they think about

the space that people are walking into and it's already a difficult...

You know, they're coming to see their loved one that a stranger has just

pumped with fluid and dressed

in a suit, perhaps the person hasn't worn for 10 years.

And they're coming to see them lying in a box,

you know, so it's already a weird situation.

And they make it worse by having terrible decor in the room.

(laughs) That's my opinion.

So...

finding that the traditional funeral world in a large firm wasn't for me,

I started looking at the world of embalming to see why they did that.

And I did train to be a freelance embalmer, which was quite bizarre at times.

So I found myself travelling around the South East,

going to different funeral directors and embalming their dead,

preparing them for viewing, so dressing the bodies.

As you can see, I prepared the body with great care and attention...

And whilst, technically, it's very interesting embalming, it's not needed.

It's invasive.

I pump 3 to 6 gallons of dyed and perfumed solution,

glycerine, borax, phenol-alcohol and water into her rectal passage.

So you're going into the arterial system, and you're pumping...

fluid in, embalming fluid in, and you're pumping out body fluid.

And embalming will just keep a body preserved for a short amount of time.

I've pinned together Mrs Murdston's lips in an attitude of healthy repose.

If she looks comfortable,

we feel comfortable.

I came out from doing that thinking it's the last thing

that I would want done to someone that I loved,

after their struggle was over and death had happened.

It's not needed for viewing a body or touching a body.

It's only needed if a body is being repatriated overseas.

(door opens)

We just made a list of things that maybe we could sort of confirm now.

It all looks really good. I loved the way you'd written it.

PAUL: It's really good, yeah.

But do add any words that describe him, you know,

anything like that would be wonderful.

Be really nice to be able to just make it as personal as possible.

-So, anything. -Lovely.

There were just a couple of little things we wanted to tweak about

the use of "close" and "closest" and things like that.

Just so... we haven't done that yet.

You've got plenty of time, so that's good.

-Thank you.

♪ "Far Away" by Rita Lynch

♪ I give my whole life

♪ I give my whole world

♪ I grieve silently

♪ Until you return

CARA: My mother's funeral, it was a traditional Catholic ceremony.

We'd hired a hearse and limousine for the family because that's what

we just thought you did.

And there was this man standing by the door of the car.

It felt as though we couldn't do anything until he told us what we should do.

And you know, I can remember saying to Stuart, my brother,

"What do we do? Do we get out?"

And there was no involvement of us

about asking if we wanted to help carry my mum's coffin in.

If we wanted to see it being carried in, it was like it just happened.

And so that was my first introduction to the funeral world.

♪ Far away from me

♪ Far away from you

♪ I dream violently

♪ Until you return

I think it's hard when people talk about the power a funeral director has

because I suppose, up to this point, we as a society and the public have been happy,

perhaps, not knowing but relieved to give that power to someone else.

I don't want to be negative about traditional because

there's some wonderful things that come out of tradition.

What I struggle with is that

as we are all different in life, we are all different in death.

We all have different needs and beliefs

and respect different things. And...

I feel that if someone wants to employ a funeral director to support them,

then the funeral director needs to be open to all ways of being.

I've heard some quite upsetting stories for me to hear,

let alone the people who had to go through it.

There was one lady who rang me who was told by the funeral director,

that she couldn't use a VW camper van to carry her son's coffin to the crematorium

because it wasn't respectful,

which I found alarming that a funeral director would even

begin to suggest that something like that wasn't respectful.

To what? To who?

It's such a shame that that poor woman at that time was

dealing with such difficult emotions, not just around the death,

but around the practicalities and how she could say farewell to her son.

You know, there's just different ways of looking at things, so people

with less money, don't feel that they're lacking in respect.

I think that's the thing.

Everybody can have a wonderful personal, meaningful funeral

that doesn't cost the earth in many senses.

What we've always strived to be is just ourselves.

You know, we're not coming from a world of we know best,

we're not coming from a world of "We've learned this so this is how we do it."

We are coming from the fact that we've been through a bereavement,

we have lived life,

and we are walking alongside people

to find the best way for them to say farewell to their loved one.

We're just normal people.

Some people might not think we are. We are in Brighton and

you know, sometimes when we go outside of Brighton,

people look at us as freaks.

But there's many of us freaks out there now and the tide is turning.

Mum used to absolutely love coming up to this very spot here,

and just sitting, looking out at the view across the Downs.

A lot of mum's, well, Denny's paintings

were inspired by these immediate surroundings.

So...

it was natural for her

to want to rest here.

And so that's what we've done.

Mum died in circumstances that were just unfortunate.

She developed pneumonia and she was hospitalised.

And she never came out.

Mum was brought here.

And we laid her overnight in her studio, so she could spend the night here.

And then on the actual day, all the rest of the family arrived.

When everybody had had lunch,

we decided that we would bring her up the rest of the little journey

up the hill and gently lay her down.

Then eventually, we gently covered her over.

My partner at the time, Colin, he really appreciated the naturalness.

And when we had to write our own wills,

Colin decided to not undertake anything that might be damaging to the environment.

So yeah, he was very pleasantly influenced.

Colin was very fit. He led a very healthy lifestyle.

He had a really positive outlook on life.

He had no reason to think that he wasn't going to continue

living a full life.

So it was a real shock when he started to become ill.

And then everything happened quite fast.

Hmm.

It will be a slightly different tone to the rest of the whole...

-It will be beautiful if we have him outside in the sunshine just...

and he would have wanted that, wouldn’t he?

Absolutely. Yeah.

We needed to fulfil Colin's wishes,

and approached the natural burial ground

and selected his own specific plot.

Um, and...

felt very strange, but felt right.

LOUISE: Great, and we're also going to do some painted foliage.

And so for that, what I want to do is take the full measurements of the coffin.

SARAH: The coffin will be this size. Yeah. Just like the one over in the corner there.

LOUISE: So we'll be adding in also, the personal leaves that people bring.

SARAH: Yeah. LOUISE: Now, Peter Owen Jones

is then going to do what,

for want of a better term, referred to as a guided meditation.

-Right, lovely. -But...

a few people have objected.

Um, so...

what he's going to do is sort of pick up on the song.

PETER: When you have undertakers that have a much broader view,

they're going to have on their books

men and women who are able to lead funerals from all different faith perspectives.

Whereas when I first became a priest, most undertakers just had a

couple of old lisping vicars and myself.

I think the lovely thing about this is that Peter Owen Jones is

just the best person for this, isn't he? -Oh, yes!

And he will be very confident to just kind of, you know,

go with the flow and just,

do things in the spirit that Colin and yourself would have wanted to have.

LOUISE: Colin had been admitted to a hospital.

And it was clear that there was no further help that could be given.

And he was transferred to a hospice.

We had some actually very beautiful times there.

But at no stage was Colin admitting that he was about to die.

I was with Colin when he actually died.

I knew that Arka were going to come and take him back

and then care for him.

It was a real relief because it meant that we could then focus on

the other aspects of what Colin would have wanted,

knowing that he was safe,

but also knowing that actually could still go down there and care for him too.

Hmm.

SARAH: I noticed his ponytail.

LOUISE: Yeah. He managed to retain that even through the chemo.

-Did he? -Yeah.

(laughs)

LOUISE: His hair did start to grow back. SARAH: Yeah.

LOUISE: Yeah, I'd love to do some anointing.

-Yeah. Do you want to do that on your own?

-Yeah, could I?

-Okay, thank you.

(door closes)

(water runs)

(door opens)

Thank you very much.

SARAH: Louise, you're very welcome.

CARA: It's very easy at this time, isn't it, to just perhaps hand over to others?

LOUISE: Yeah.

And it's not until people come out of the other side of the whole experience

that they recognise that perhaps they needed to be more hands-on or more involved.

-Fear of mortality.

LOUISE: Can I just double check I've got all the music that we need?

So that I know that it's all downloaded. Yeah, that would be great.

So starting with Ali. Right okay, so I've got all that.

-Anything else? -That's it.

-I'm on call over the weekend, so if you've got any questions or any worries,

or anything, just give me a ring.

-Good. I won't get in touch, so if I do, panic, okay?

Okay, thanks ever so much.

-You're very welcome. All right.

-All right. Bye. -Thanks, Louise. Bye-bye.

I think the more open funeral directors are beginning now to really understand

it is simply much more healthy for undertakers not to be a wall

between the body and the family.

But undertakers that are now

encouraging family members to come and wash the body,

to prepare the body,

you know, this to my mind is very, very healthy.

But this is kind of, undertakers coming up with a much more,

I think, humane

and humanitarian model of holding that particular role.

And it's not an easy role to hold.

♪ "Louisiana" by Underworld

♪ I fell asleep last night

♪ On a roundabout

♪ A cloud of wings

♪ From the glass around you

♪ Light reflects

♪ The sun on your skin

♪ When you touch me

♪ Planets in sweet collision

♪ When you touch me

♪ Bullets in conversation

♪ Quietly violent

♪ Quietly violent

We've supported families with people who have died tragically, suddenly, brutally.

And they have still come to view the body here and we supported them with that.

And I think with honesty and openness

and reality and rawness, it can help.

(door closes)

Just to say,

no more pain, no more heartache.

No more feeling scared.

You'll always be in my heart, you know that.

Lala Salama

as they say in Mombasa.

Be peaceful.

Love you.

(door opens)

SARAH: We were told one of mum's wishes was to be in a cardboard coffin,

which she wanted Hannah to decorate, to paint.

And that was a surprise to us.

We'd already thought that perhaps choosing a willow coffin would be more fitting,

and would certainly look more beautiful, be more natural,

and might well have been mum's choice anyway,

at the back of her mind.

And Hannah knew of a coffin maker,

who we were able to speak to very quickly

and make those wishes possible.

Shortly after he gave us the opportunity to go to his workshop,

you know, we were desperate to say yes, "Let's go and do it."

MAN: So we've got six of them to do.

HANNAH: Okay. Yeah. Sure. (laughs)

Won't be as tight as yours.

-Keep it nice and tight.

-See how you get on.

Yeah, you've got to have a bit of strength, eh?

-Yeah. Dig those thumbs in to get...

-Then this one? -Yeah.

-You can make this a practice one.

(laughs)

Yeah, so what are you trying to say?

Yes, sorry, not getting there.

-That's okay. No worries. Whatever works.

Well, it makes it original, at least.

It's nice to do something a bit practical.

SARAH: Just having that opportunity has been so important to us.

And felt so right.

We were given every sort of freedom under his guidance.

-Really pull that one back. I see, right.

SARAH: To do a little bit of weaving of the willow on the coffin lid, which was just fantastic.

-And so this bit is really important that we get nice and tight.

-I'm going to leave that to you.

Okay, so eventually we'll have our stick in here,

but we just sort of test it for length, so I can see that's a good length.

-Right.

So I think that looks okay actually there.

-That's a relief.

(laughs)

Yeah. Right.

(sniffs)

Yeah.

It's fine.

HANNAH: Of course, the coffin is beautiful.

It's beautiful because

I feel we know the person who made it.

(water splashes)

CARA: So here we have already dressed Victoria.

So I'm just going to finish with washing her face.

And ease her eyes closed.

So I'm just going to put some nice wild rose cream.

Strong hands.

When we collected Victoria,

she was lying pretty much how she is now in her beautiful bed

with strong daylight coming through the window, and she looked so peaceful.

And I think she still very much looks that way.

See that some of her lipstick is here

and she's already got some of her kohl eyeliner on.

Perhaps we should put her shades on now if they're to be with...

I don't know, she looks too peaceful to put those on. I'm not going to put them on.

And her rescue remedy.

We can't actually put glass into the cremator, so I will give that back

as well as her sunglasses.

And there she is.

Women have always been involved.

It would always be the women who laid the body out at home

and allow friends and family to come and say their farewells.

Women go through childbirth, periods,

gore, you know, so they're more used to dealing with rawness and

what life and death brings.

So it's great that more and more women are getting into this world.

There's nothing that men do in the funeral world that women can't do.

Women can do it all.

Because we don't embalm,

we have fridges,

and up to nine people can stay with us.

I would always say that I find this moment

quite a privilege because

I'm the last person who will see Richard

and the last person to touch his body.

This is our trusty hoist.

And it's just a very gentle way of transferring him to his coffin.

Richard has got a pillow with him

that will go with him into his coffin as well.

So I'll just put that on top of there.

So take the buckle off, and I just slide that.

We just snuggle him in,

and I always like to make sure that people's feet are snugged in as well.

And rest well, Richard.

Plan it before you go.

Leave the instructions in a file marked 'Death'

with a skull and crossbones on it. That's what I've got.

That's just going to help a few people out.

Decide when you're writing in your death file,

"I want to be laid on a couple of pallets with an old horse blanket upon me.

And that'll do me fine, really no more than that."

Or "I'd really like the super deluxe model

and here's three and a half grand cheque to pay for it."

You know, just get it all clear.

Bit more, Harvey. That's it.

Okay.

Well done.

Production values were very important to her

and still will be.

SARAH: Absolutely.

So there's no getting away from that.

You know,

and I think striking the right tone, actually.

SARAH: Very important. HANNAH: Is the absolutely right thing to do.

HANNAH: And I think we've done all right actually. SARAH: I think we have.

SARAH: I think we found the right words and the right way

and that she would be pleased with it.

Yeah, we've done her justice.

♪ Cellist tunes cello then plays instrumental

We've come here to remember,

to celebrate, and ultimately, to say goodbye to Victoria Thompson.

In June 2016, came the shocking diagnosis of ovarian cancer.

As was her usual way, she remained positive and determined to fight it.

Never one to turn down the opportunity of an audience,

she even helped to raise funds for the Sussex Cancer Fund

by taking part in a catwalk fashion show last December.

Just unbelievable.

A stay in hospital at the beginning of this year

brought the news that the time was short.

Victoria died peacefully at her home in Hove

with her daughters at her side.

This is Victoria's statement.

Welcome to the last directed piece of work

from the person you knew as Victoria.(people laugh)

The cast list is exactly what I would have chosen.

And this is also true of the life which has just finished.

As you will all know, I do not believe that death

is anything more than the beginning of the next phase.

I am looking forward to seeing what roles will follow.

As you listen to some of the words and sounds

which this piece of theatre contains,

please remember that there is only the present moment which is real

and by the time you have digested this, it has passed.

Therefore, no tears.

♪ Cellist plays "Conversation" instrumental

SARAH: Thank you, Hannah. That was absolutely beautiful.

-Thank you.

We're now coming to the end of our ceremony here.

And we need to say goodbye to Victoria.

We cherish so much the memory of her words and deeds,

her creativity, her drive and her humour.

We cherish her friendship,

but most of all, her love.

Victoria, we say goodbye.

(people applaud)

As we finish, she would want us all to leave on a high

and to encourage us to do that, here's one of her favourite singers.

This is Elkie Brooks and Givin' It Up For Your Love.

(people applaud)

(people clap in rhythm)

♪ Givin' it up for your love Right now

♪ Givin' it up for your love I said, everything

♪ Givin' it up for your love Right now

♪ Don't want your money Don't need your car

♪ I'm doing all right Doing all right so far

♪ I'm givin' it up for your love Everything

♪ Givin' it up for your love Right now

♪ Givin' it up…

I think we'll use his hemp jeans and cotton shirt.

-Lovely, what do you want to put on first?

Shall we do his shirt?

-Yeah, that sounds good.

So I'll just lift him up gently

from and then if...

sort of head and shoulders and if you can

push that around the back of him, that'll be fantastic.

That's it.

Then just push it down his back.

-Quite heavy, aren't you, Colin?

(laughs)

There we go.

Colin lost so much weight in his last months

that these should fit nice and readily.

Right, I will leave you to give him a little message...

-Yeah. Thank you. -See you in a sec.

(door opens)

(door closes)

♪ "Colin" by Matthew Bird

♪ He drunk whisky

♪ Through the soul of the night

♪ Your hope and straight justice

♪ Are like angels in flight

♪ You're so intertwined

♪ In a natural desire, it's your way

♪ Your unwavering stare

♪ And limitless care, words can't say

♪ "The Green Man" by Martin Donnelly

♪ The Eostre Sun

♪ It cuts my eyes

♪ Open to the wind and rain

♪ All around, the Earth breathes deep

♪ I come alive again

♪ I am the Green Man of the woods

♪ The wounded and the broken land

♪ I am the fire in the red stag's eye

♪ The touch of a lover's hand

♪ Of a lover's hand

Now, just close our eyes. Close our eyes.

I try and invite people into a space

where they can reflect upon their true and deep feelings

in relation to the loss of this human being.

But that naturally is mirrored back in

the notion of their own impermanence.

I think funerals are times for all of us, each one of us, to reckon

with our own impermanence, our own beautiful impermanence.

You open your eyes.

♪ In a natural desire, it's your way

♪ Your unwavering stare

♪ And limitless care, words can't say

Flautist plays "Paddy O'Rafferty" traditional Irish music

PETER: Okay, let's gather right in close now.

If you can all gather right in close...

Now let's link arms.

We give thanks

for this life well-lived.

We now commit Colin into the care of the earth,

in the care of our love.

♪ "The Green Man" by Martin Donnelly

♪ The Eostre Sun

♪ It cuts my eyes

♪ Open to the wind and rain

♪ All around, the Earth breathes deep

♪ I come alive again

♪ I am the Green Man of the woods

♪ The wounded and the broken land

♪ I am the fire in the red stag's eye

♪ The touch of a lover's hand

♪ Of a lover's hand

LOUISE: In almost everything he did,

he wanted to do something that was of value to others.

And I think he would have really approved 100% of the day.

In fact, absolutely every single part of the whole process.

♪ I am the Green Man of the woods

♪ The thistle and the corn

♪ The spark in every creature's heart

♪ The dancer in the storm

♪ The dancer in the storm

♪ "Missing" by Everything But The Girl

♪ I step off the train

♪ I'm walking down your street again

♪ And past your door But you don't live there anymore

♪ It's years since you've been there

♪ Now you've disappeared somewhere

You're here gathered to say farewell to a unique,

funny, generous and beautiful man

who brought so much to your world.

Laughter, kindness, stress, worry,

but also a lot of love in his own highly original way.

MAN: Growing up, Richard played a huge part

in being the person that I am today.

-You ok?

-Do you want a drink?

So...

I can close my eyes and see two of the most important men in my life growing up.

And that was Paul, and that was Richard.

He was a great friend.

He never ever changed the core of who he was, no matter how

down he got.

He was a kind-natured man, and that's how, always how, I'll remember him.

I'll miss you, Richard, your friend always.

Thank you.

-Thank you, darling. Thank you so much.

There is now an opportunity for you all to write a memory of Richard.

As the music plays,

write a memory of the Richard that you knew

and the cards will stay with him.

I think with Richard's funeral,

it was really important that

all the people who came knew about

the troubles he'd been through.

I think that came over very strongly that people saw

the person beneath the problems.

And it was, in essence, it was actually a real tribute to him.

And it was lovely.

CARA: We're now, oh...(baby shouts)

Sorry, Archie. (laughs)

We're now going to say a final farewell to this exceptionally kind,

engaging, troubled, but lovely man.

♪ "Board Games" by Tagore Chayne Well I believe in endings

♪ Yeah, foot to floor pretending

♪ Sleeping with the maker

♪ Of the enemy contending

♪ Well it's hard to get the message

♪ When no one's even said it

♪ I'm sure you'll find it in a bottle

♪ When it's too late to make a difference

♪ And hard stop

♪ Don't rock

♪ The boat, the boat, the boat

♪ And as I wade through alphabetic shapes

♪ I'll just float on

♪ Letter L boats

♪ Staring at the ceiling

♪ So, so long

CARA: I think what I found with my own experience when my mum died

was if I had had the opportunity to maybe go and gently wash her face,

gently dress her,

I really would have done that, and I know that she would have valued

that as well.

I think it can really help with the whole grieving process

if you become more involved,

and are just given gentle permission to do all the things that

are not off the wall,

not weird, not unusual, it's probably the most natural thing in the world

to do for someone that you love

and someone who has nurtured you for you to nurture them to the last point.

I'd rather that it'd been me than a stranger, I suppose.

I know getting involved and getting hands-on isn't for everyone,

I completely get that,

but I think in the difficult time that they're in,

they need to allow themselves more time than perhaps is normal

to make decisions that don't seem perhaps that big now

but might feel huge after the event.

♪ "Pictures of You" by Robert Smith

♪ I've been looking so long

♪ At these pictures of you

♪ That I almost believe that they're real

♪ I've been living so long

♪ With my pictures of you

♪ That I almost believe that the pictures

♪ Are all I can feel

♪ Remembering you

♪ Standing quiet in the rain

♪ As I ran to your heart to be near

♪ And we kissed as the sky fell in

♪ Holding you close

♪ How I always held close in your fear

♪ Remembering you

♪ Running soft through the night

♪ You were bigger and brighter

♪ And wider than snow

♪ And screamed at the make-believe

♪ Screamed at the sky

♪ And you finally found all your courage

♪ To let it all go

♪ Remembering you

♪ Fallen into my arms

♪ Crying for the death of your heart

♪ You were stone white

♪ So delicate

♪ Lost in the cold

♪ You were always so lost in the dark

♪ Remembering you

♪ How you used to be

♪ Slow drowned

♪ You were angels

♪ So much more than everything

♪ Hold for the last time then slip away quietly

♪ Open my eyes

♪ But I never see anything

♪ If only I'd thought of the right words

♪ I could have held on to your heart

♪ If only I'd thought of the right words

♪ I wouldn't be breaking apart

♪ All my pictures of you

♪ Looking so long at these pictures of you

♪ But I never hold on to your heart

♪ Looking so long for the words to be true

♪ But always just breaking apart

♪ My pictures of you

♪ There was nothing in the world

♪ That I ever wanted more

♪ Than to feel you deep in my heart

♪ There was nothing in the world

♪ That I ever wanted more

♪ Than to never feel the breaking apart

♪ All my pictures of you

♪ There was nothing in the world

♪ That I ever wanted more

♪ Than to never feel the breaking apart

♪ All my pictures of you